


Get Back Up Again: a Study in Stratford

by SeeWithMyOwnEyes



Series: A Study in Stratford [2]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Android Gore (Detroit: Become Human), Angst with a Happy Ending, Artist Markus (Detroit: Become Human), Connor & Upgraded Connor | RK900 are Siblings, Deviant Connor (Detroit: Become Human), F/M, Good Dog Sumo (Detroit: Become Human), Good Parent Hank Anderson, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Machine Upgraded Connor | RK900, Markus (Detroit: Become Human) Needs a Hug, Markus Loves Simon (Detroit: Become Human), Nobody Dies, Pacifist Markus (Detroit: Become Human), Post-Android Revolution (Detroit: Become Human), Protective Markus (Detroit: Become Human), Simon Dies at Stratford Tower (Detroit: Become Human), Simon-centric, Soft Markus (Detroit: Become Human), Suicide Attempt, Upgraded Connor | RK900 Has Feelings, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-13
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:55:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 178
Words: 275,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23127388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeeWithMyOwnEyes/pseuds/SeeWithMyOwnEyes
Summary: Five months after the revolution, the Jericho Four are beginning to adjust to the new world in which deviants are free people. With Markus' support, even Simon is beginning to adjust to the new normal, trying his best to put his past behind him. But a message from Connor changes everything. The world might never be safe. But Simon realizes that regardless, in the face of adversity threatening to knock him to the ground, he'll always find the strength to get back up again. And he still won't have to do it alone.
Relationships: Connor & Josh & Markus & North & Simon (Detroit: Become Human), Daniel & Simon (Detroit: Become Human), Hank Anderson & Connor & Sumo, Hank Anderson & Connor & Upgraded Connor | RK900 & Sumo, Jerry(s) & Kara (Detroit: Become Human), Jerry(s)/Ralph (Detroit: Become Human), Josh & Markus & North & Simon (Detroit: Become Human), Kara & Alice Williams (Detroit: Become Human), Kara & Ralph (Detroit: Become Human), Kara & Simon (Detroit: Become Human), Kara/Luther (Detroit: Become Human), Markus/Simon (Detroit: Become Human), Ralph & Simon (Detroit: Become Human), Upgraded Connor | RK900/Gavin Reed
Series: A Study in Stratford [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1662571
Comments: 325
Kudos: 24





	1. The Message

**Author's Note:**

> The sequel to Social-Universal Object Permanence: a Study in Stratford, although it can also be read independently. 
> 
> Chapters that reference Social-Universal Object Permanence will have notes at the beginning explaining anything that might be confusing for those who have not read it, so that this fic will be easier to read. 
> 
> Most chapters do not contain material any more triggering than that of Social-Universal Object Permanence, but later chapters in the second half of this story will have Daniel dealing with subject matter that might hit a bit closer to home for some people than typical robo-gore. I have tagged the fic as a whole, but for those of you who might want to read it, but are sensitive to that subject matter, you can either read up until Daniel's introduction, or read the fic in its entirety. I will write warnings in the beginning notes of each individual chapter in which the subject it addressed outright, just to make it easier to avoid, if you would like to read Daniel's arc, but skip over anything triggering. Please take care of yourselves and enjoy.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uhhh for those of y'all that haven't read SUOP, the only background you need for this chapter is that Simon and Markus founded an Android-run Repair Center and now Simon and Kara work there.

‘Hey, love… just wanted to give you a heads up that Connor’s coming over tonight. He says there’s something important he needs our help with, but he wouldn’t specify further. He’ll probably be at New Jericho before you get home…’ Simon reread the message, and frowned. 

It had been nearly three months since the disaster at the press conference, and he’d been getting better--really, he had… But he couldn’t help but feel uneasy around Connor when he was on the clock. Off-duty Connor was all puppy videos and awkwardness. DPD Connor was… Well, that was self explanatory... And for him to be arriving at New Jericho on such short notice, with something so serious that he didn’t even want to risk elaborating in message… 

Simon jumped as a hand lightly pressed against his shoulder. 

“Oh! Sorry, Simon. I didn’t mean to frighten you…” 

Simon straightened his posture, and waved a hand dismissively. 

“N-no… You’re fine, Kara. I was just startled, is all. I’ve just been preoccupied with a sudden development at New Jericho… Is there anything I can help you with? Is there something wrong in the YK wing?” 

“No. Everything's fine, Simon. But thank you... I was just walking by because Tommy forgot his plushie in the cafeteria, when I saw your stress levels running significantly higher than they’ve been in a while…” 

Simon smiled. 

“Right. RA9 forbid we forget his plushie before he’s put into sleep mode. Cute kid. Hopefully tonight’ll be the last round of repairs for him... Yeah, I’m fine. Just thinking. Thank you for your concern though…” 

Kara moved to leave, but stopped, lingering for just a moment, her AX400 programming as attuned to signs of distress as his PL600 programming, before leaving for the cafeteria wing, convinced of his wellbeing. Simon sighed. He was glad he’d been on his way out. Having to work all day with this cryptic message burning in the back of his mind had been exhausting. Seeing the auto roll up to the front of the building, Simon mindlessly let himself in, and slumped into the back seat. Whatever it was, at least he’d know soon enough. Knowing always helped. 

Running along the road, the car eventually slowed to a stop, just in front of Markus, who went to get the door for Simon.

“Welcome home, Si… How was-- You’re worked up about something...? Did something happen at work or…?” Markus’ eyes trailed off to Connor, standing a good distance behind him, just outside the entrance to New Jericho. 

“Or…” Simon nodded. “...I don’t know why I’m still so… but I am… I can’t make myself feel… especially with...” 

“Be patient, Si. Every day you get a little stronger... Look, you’ve just gotten through the day without having collapsed… That’s progress… I’d been anticipating a call from Kara to pick you up, but you’ve made it here. As for now, I don’t know what’s going on, but stay as close as you’d like, and I'll be right here…” 

Markus kissed his forehead and took his hand, slowing his pace to allow Simon to lead them to the door. 

“Hello, Connor…” A shaky smile was still a smile. 

Connor took his coin from his pocket, pressing the cold metal against his palm with his fingers. Simon didn’t notice, but it was clear to Markus that Connor was also trembling slightly. 

“Hello, Simon… May the three of us find a private space to speak?” 

“Yes, Connor. We can talk in my room. But you don’t need to be afraid of interacting with everyone else here. We all welcome you…” 

Connor paused for a second, then nodded, as if he hadn’t heard the last bit. 

“Right… Your room then, Markus… Shall we?” 

“Of course. Si, you can lead the way…” 

Simon stepped forward, and Markus smiled, having subtly put distance between Simon and Connor. If Simon didn’t notice his intention, it still had the desired effect, Simon walking with slightly more confidence, before he sat down on Markus’ bed. Markus followed suit, but Connor stood in the doorway, scanning every corner of the room, before locking the bedroom door behind him and seating himself in a desk chair by Markus’ dresser.


	2. Not Like Markus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor explains his intentions to Simon and Markus.

“Now, what is it exactly you’ve come here to say? Is everything alright?” 

“You know how the CyberLife warehouse is scheduled to be demolished tomorrow morning…?” 

Markus nodded. 

“Well… ummmm… I don’t know… you-- Your model number!” Connor exclaimed, relieved at having found a way to explain. 

“My model number? RK200. You know that. I’m the only one… A prototype… Is this about that…? Do they have something related to my model there…?” 

“Not exactly something related to your model… More like someone related to our models…” 

“Someone’s in there?!? Have they been activated?!?” Simon already found himself on the verge of tears. 

Alone in a building like that, no explanation, possibly having deviated weeks ago… This poor RK… He couldn’t imagine-- No, he could imagine. That was the problem. 

“RK900. And… sort of? He… he’s not like Markus…” Connor’s tone was softer, his eyes focused on the ground. 

He looked up only to see the flashes of understanding come across their faces before guiltily returning his gaze to the floor. 

“So he’s… W-why-- why are you-- I… I-I don’t--“ 

Simon could feel the earth crumbling beneath him, his world coming apart at the seams. 

“Simon, look at me… Look at me, Simon… Simon!” 

Markus pulled Simon to face him, waiting for the deviant to meet his eyes. 

‘Keep it together, Si… You’re okay… We’re at New Jericho now, yeah? We’re safe here…’ 

‘W-we’re safe here…?’ 

‘I promise… Give yourself a moment to calm down. I've got you, so you can just relax… Your stress level's already dropping… That's good… Maybe let's try hear Connor out now. I’m sure he has something important to say.’ 

‘Right… right… h-he said he needed our help…’ Simon willed himself to relax, now leaning against Markus as he turned back to face Connor. 

Fidgeting compulsively with his tie, Connor’s voice barely came out as a whisper. 

“My apologies… I… I had foreseen numerous preconstructions in which this news was received in such a matter, but I was hoping--“ 

“N-no… You--you came here to ask for help… What do you need?” 

“I don’t want anyone more to die… His current orders are to remain in CyberLife Tower until he’s given the command to deactivate me and take my place, or until he’s confronted…” 

“...so you want us to try and wake him somehow. Because if he remains a machine, then he’ll either be destroyed in the demolition, having been killed before he’d even get a chance at life, or he’d survive the demolition, and escape, putting other deviants at risk…” Markus finished the thought. He would’ve proposed the same idea.

“Why don’t you have a human try to restrain him first, so that there’s no risk of him hurting Markus when he tries to awaken his deviancy?” 

“I thought of that, Simon, but the problem is, no one else can know of his existence. I only know about him because I found the vestigial code that would have announced my replacement in an in-depth scan I was running last night. If anyone were to know he existed, he could be used as a weapon against deviants, empowering humans to fight against the new reforms, and discouraging deviants from fighting for their rights. Or they might subject him to tests or disassemble him. These are the exact same outcomes that compel me to deviate him. If Hank knew about this, he’d go ballistic. He’d try and pick a fight with the RK900 or get the police involved, acting on emotion above reason. There’s no way he’d let me do anything even vaguely relating to someone who poses such a direct threat to my existence. But I can’t do this alone. I’m afraid his programming might be too strong for me to override. So you two are the only people I could trust to help with the job without revealing his existence to the public.” 

Markus’ led cycled yellow, trying to come up with alternative strategies, or rather, excuses for his strong inclination towards said alternative strategies. 

“Simon, your model is older than ours. Your programming likely won’t be advanced enough to gain access to his. But Connor and I are both RKs… Connor, you and I will go tonight, leaving Simon here to hold down the fort and ensure that we’re prepared to take him down should we fail in turning him.” 

Simon violently shook his head. 

“No! No! Markus, I refuse to let you walk into a situation like that without further assistance. It’d be suicide! Either we both go, or neither of us do.” 

“There’s no need for you to be putting yourself at risk, Simon. And I refuse to allow you to walk into a situation so volatile, especially when there’s no need for you to be there in the first place!” 

“I do need to be there because you need someone to watch your back, or at the very least someone with some degree of technical experti--“ 

“Simon is right…” Connor interrupted plainly. “Well, somewhat right… His presence is necessary. I do not wish to engage the RK900 in combat. Aside from myself, you are his prime target. Simon is no more a target than any other deviant, and should be able to speak with the RK900 without risk of triggering him to leave the building. Of any deviant I know who’d be willing to engage in such a mission, Simon is the most adaptable and least combative. Unless the RK900 somehow perceives him to be a threat, Simon might be able to talk him into deviancy, or even interface with him, sharing his memories to show the RK900 true emotions. Obviously I won’t force either of you to agree to such an arrangement, but it’s the best strategy I can think of…” 

There was a sincerity in Connor’s eyes that softened Markus. He had thought this one through. 

‘Simon… I don’t know about this… What do you think…? Say the word, and I’ll go along…’ 

Simon trembled under the intensity of Markus’ gaze. Markus always could see straight through him, straight through every thought or feeling he’d try been trying to keep hidden. 

‘...I’ll admit it… I’m scared… I-I’m really scared… B-b-but I want to do this… I think this is the best option for our people… J-just, if I falter… please… don’t let me back out… I can already feel my resolve waning, even though I know it needs to be done…’ 

‘Simon…’ 

‘I-I’m going to agree…’ 

Simon took in a shuddering breath. 

“Y-yes, Connor… I-I’ll do it…” 

“I’m in too. But I think your plan needs a slight adjustment. Josh and North are coming too.” 

“What? No--“

“Simon was right. We need to prepare for the possibility of a need for repairs to be done on the spot. Should… should he need… We can’t count on Simon repairing himself. And as for North, if there is a need to fight, she can hold her own as much as either of us, but she won’t be a priority for the RK900 to target. We’ll leave at midnight. In the dead of the night, we’ll be less likely to be spotted. No one can know that we’re doing this.” 

Connor could see from Markus' tone that this was non negotiable, so he reluctantly backed down and simply nodded back. 


	3. Breaking the News

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus briefs North and Josh on his newest mission.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Background: not sure if it's unclear, but Markus is trying to help North learn to emotion/accept being vulnerable in front of others without violence and threats after the events of the last fic.

“I just messaged Josh and North. They’re on their way. Let me do the talking first, Connor. This is going to get messy…” 

“What do you need, Markus?!?” 

Connor blinked up at North, as she strode into the room. 

“I’m sorry, but… is that a medieval flail…?” 

North casually tossed the weapon over her shoulder. 

“Maybe… The hell’s going on in here?” 

Josh entered the room, took one look at her, and frowned in exasperation. 

“...should I even ask…?” 

“No…” North shot back. 

Connor readjusted his tie. He always forgot just how terrifying North could be. He didn't understand how the others at New Jericho seemed to find such behavior commonplace. 

“Please, take a seat… I want to brief you on a new mission for tonight. And hear me out before you jump to any conclusions…” Markus waited as Josh attentively sat down on the bed, North opting to push aside the nightstand to distance herself slightly, knocking some digital magazines to the floor so she could sit on top. “...Connor has recently found out about an android stuck in CyberLife tower. He… was intended to be Connor’s successor…” 

“What?!?!” North swung her flail out in front of her, turning wide-eyed to Markus, a snarl on her lips. 

“North, I understand your concern, but I would really appreciate if you could let me finish before you jump to conclusions… We intend to break in tonight and deviate him to prevent any harm from coming to the public. We need you two because I want two techs on this mission and at least one person capable of taking the RK900 in a fight whose model would not be a direct target according to his programming. Do either of you have any thoughts on this plan?” 

“Why risk deviating him? We should just break in there and kill him. A bullet to the--“ 

“North!” Markus growled, acutely aware that Simon had begun to tremble at his side. 

“Markus, do you have-- no, of course you don’t! You have no idea what could happen if he gets out! What that could mean for us all! You’re all so stupid! Shit! You all--” 

Markus' expression softened, as he reminded himself to keep a level head. 

“North… I don’t want you alone right now, but you can always turn your back to us, and no one will engage you…” 

North hesitated as she registered the unspoken meaning behind this reminder, then nodded, shifting herself to face the wall. Markus didn't mention the tear he could see beginning to fall with the motion. 

“I won’t try to force either of you to come along, but I would greatly appreciate your help here… Connor, Simon, and I should be fine on our own, but it’d certainly be easier with you both on hand…” 

North coughed into her fist to steady her voice, and nodded, her back still turned to the group. 

“I'll go.” 

“Whatever you need, Markus…” Josh agreed. 

“Thank you… We still have a few hours to prepare and gather supplies. North, Josh, I would like you to arrange for someone to watch over New Jericho in our absence, and Connor, Simon, and I will gather supplies. I don’t want anyone staying by themselves, for any reason, until we regroup to walk to the CyberLife tower. Are we clear on that?” 

Markus glanced over the room to ensure everyone was in agreement, before nodding, himself. 

“Good. Then let’s go.” 

North jumped off the night table dragging the flail along with her. 

“C’mon Josh. Let’s get this shit done…” 

Josh quickly got up to follow North as she stormed off to her room.


	4. Concerns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the time before the mission, everyone tries to swallow their fear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Background: This ficverse doesn't give everyone a typical stress response.
> 
> The biggest exception from the typical stress response is Simon. At 93%, he loses voluntary motor control, at 96% his ventilation system shuts down, etc... He can fight it, but the strain causes rapid deterioration of his frame. 
> 
> At the end of SUOP, he received custom mods from Josh to keep his major biocomponents functional regardless of stress level, as well as a vocal suppressor to silence an inconvenient nervous tic. With two clicks, he can deactivate his voicebox. He can reactivate it with three. 
> 
> **Markus also has a "secondary stress response". His replacement parts "forget" they're a part of him, and glitch out, similar to how Simon loses his motor control at 93%. This can happen to Markus at any stress level, though, just whenever he's overcome with guilt or sadness/fear for someone other than himself.

“That went well…” Simon noted. 

“Agreed. Let’s go to the repair wing first. We should pack light to minimize the risk that we’ll have to leave anything behind, but not at the expense of bringing anything we might need.” 

Simon nodded. 

“Right… Then, bandages, thirium, obviously--the tablets though; they take up less space than the pouches--, maybe a small pick or blade, and anything collapsible you can get your hands on… Crutches are harder to store, but a fabric stretcher can be folded… Connor, can you think of anything I’ve forgotten?” 

“External temperature regulation. Your stress response might not compromise your it anymore, but as we saw with Markus, head trauma can. A dishcloth and some ice water would be ideal… And a blanket. Maybe that instead of a stretcher; one supply with multiple potential uses is more efficient than two supplies each meant for only one purpose.” 

“Good thinking… Can you think of anything else that might be useful? I’m not concerned about repairs that can be put off-- just any immediate first aid or a potential loss of mobility that might make it more difficult to discreetly leave once we’re done… Oh! Insulation patches. That’s what I was forgetting. We go through them insanely fast at the Center. This could all probably fit in two backpacks, but let’s divide it all between three. That’ll lessen the load on any individual deviant, while still allowing for at least two of us to be… rendered unable to carry one without burdening those who can.” 

The look in Simon’s eyes was one that Markus could easily see through. Commanding, but grimly so, not numb, but close enough to it to get the job done. 

“We’ll be fine, Si. We’re just preparing for the worst so nothing can catch us off guard. We shouldn’t need any of this stuff. But if on the off chance we do, we’ll have it…” 

Simon looked back at Markus, but didn’t reply, and Markus suddenly wished he’d sent Connor with Josh and North. 

“Look at me, love--No no-- At me, not past me…” 

Simon flinched, hearing the delicate tone and knowing full-well the implications that came with it. 

“I-I’m fine, Markus…” 

“I know you better than that, Si… I know that look, that tone. We have hours to kill before we leave. We can gather supplies later, but we need to talk now.” 

“...I'm fine...” Simon repeated a little more forcefully.

“...Alright… I should probably go check on Josh and North, then. I didn’t want to pair them together, but I couldn’t think of anyone better to be with North right now… I’ll be--“ 

“M-m--“ two clicks of the tongue silenced Simon's cry as he fell into Markus’ arms. 

“Markus, what happened?” 

“Nothing, Connor, everything’s fine…” 

‘I knew it… Calm down, Si… I wasn’t actually going to leave the room. I just wanted to know what we're dealing with here…It's just like I thought: You've been on the verge of an anxiety attack all this time, haven't you?' 

'... I-I'm trying… but I'll try harder… I'll be stronger… And--and--and I'll keep my stress response under control while we're out, I promise!' 

He didn't make a sound, but he couldn't keep his lips from mouthing the words he'd silenced. 

'Simon, I don't need you to be stronger, I want you to be calmer, for your sake and yours alone. Can we talk now…?’ 

'You've never had to fight him…' 

Markus blinked back at Simon, registering what had just been said. 

'Simon…' 

'I'm telling you, I've never seen anyone like him… I know it's not who he is anymore, really, I do, but I've seen how he's capable of living up to the title of hunter… And this RK900 is supposed to be even stronger, faster, and more durable, with no software instabilities… He's still a machine, Markus… We don't even know if he could contact former CyberLife employees to...You know what I mean, don't you…? I understand the need to save him, and moreover to save deviants from what he could become, but… I fall now… I fall and I need help to breathe and that's even before I get injured… I was getting better, but now I'm worse again. I'm really broken…' 

‘No… You’re fine… Anyone would be freaked out given the circumstances. And you’ll be okay. This is good. We’re talking things through now…’ 

‘I-it’s not good… Markus, I’m getting weaker! Each time I get weaker until… I-I know one day I won’t have any more strength left to give… And--and then--’ 

‘No, Si. You’re really fine, I promise. You’re just beginning to freak out a little. And that’s okay. These things happen. Just focus on calming down… You’ll feel better soon. Then maybe we can talk a bit more.’ 

‘...y-you’ll deactivate me…? if… if there’s nothing you can do for me…? you won’t let it hurt…? ...and you won’t let me know…?’ 

’I don’t--‘ 

‘P-promise me! I-I need you to promise you'll deactivate me! Please!’ 

Any facade of composure that remained was now leaking from Simon’s eyes in the form of desperate tears. 

‘I won’t do it… You know I won’t… And you know talk like that is the one thing I won’t tolerate. You’re going to be fine… Just cry it out now… I’ve got you…’ 

Markus held Simon closer, and felt each shuddering sob that wracked his frame. 

‘I-I’m scared, Markus… It’s me… Why did it have to be me…? I’m going to fail… I’m not good at these things… I can’t do anything! And this time, he might hurt you too! I don’t want to screw this up for everybody… I’ve already screwed up so much…’ 

‘No no no no… You haven’t screwed up anything. And he won’t hurt anyone. The five of us will walk in the building, you’ll say a few words, and then the six of us will walk out. Nothing to be worried about. Nothing you can’t handle. Do you understand…?’ 

‘I wish I weren’t so useless… Useless and scared…’ 

‘You’re not useless, and it’s okay to be scared... You can still back out, you know… Even in the last minute, you really don’t have to do this…’ 

Simon didn’t respond. He just cried in Markus’ arms, hoping that maybe the tears would wash away his weakness. Markus rubbed small circles into his back, murmuring soothing words into his ear, and he cried harder, feeling unworthy of such gentle kindness. After a few minutes, Markus could see Simon’s stress level dropping, his ventilation slowing to a weary pace. 

‘Here… Let’s go back to your room… A quick nap might do you good. That way, you’ll be refreshed when you wake up…’ 

‘...thank you…’ It was all Simon could think to say. 

He felt heavy and light at the same time and it was exhausting. 

“Hey Connor, we’re going to Simon’s room now. We can gather more supplies later, but I think a moment to recharge might help clear our heads to think about what more we might need… Come along; I’ll show you where it is...” 

“Yes, Markus…” 

Simon still in his arms, Markus led Connor to Simon’s room. Markus brushed back Simon’s hair and planted a kiss on his forehead, before sending him into sleep mode and placing him into bed. 

“You’re unwell too…” 

Connor cocked his head. 

"I don't know to what you're referring…" 

"The RK900… You're concerned by him too…" 

"N-not for my safety!" Connor protested adamantly. 

Markus raised his hands in submission. "I never said--" 

"I...I know. I'm sorry… It’s just that I couldn't hear you messaging Simon, but… I know why he got so worked up… This RK900… he looks like me… it'll kind of be like… like seeing who I was… like seeing how others see me… what I've done… I'm scared to face that me… I know I don’t deserve to be, but--“ 

“It’s okay, Connor. You don’t need to deserve to feel. And no, you’re not like that. You are alive. And you’re coming in to empower him to be too. So don’t be scared, be proud… You’re doing a good thing, Connor…” 

Connor nodded, fishing the coin from his pocket. 

“And you…? You’re okay with all this…?” 

The question asked with complete sincerity, but it still stung, just as well. 

“...No… Connor, I don’t think any of us are okay with this… It’s… terrifying. The situation, I mean. We all thought we wouldn’t have to face another adversary like this, yet, here we are… I’m… uneasy about two things, primarily. Obviously my first concern is the wellbeing of my team--you included. But then… my lack of concern for my own wellbeing concerns me… I know why I don’t care for my own wellbeing.” 

Connor raised an eyebrow, the way his head tilted strangely canine. 

“...I remember the scrapyard vividly, in terms of visual and auditory memory, but I don’t remember how it felt. Feeling was still new to me. I didn’t understand pain. So I can’t remember the pain… To me… I still haven’t entirely grasped the concept of being injured… I mean, I tore my eye out once, and yeah, that hurt, but I was just so worked up, that I didn’t even really notice. I have no right to be considered brave… Because I’ve never been given a reason to fear for myself… Everyone else, on the other hand… The others...” 

“Simon” Connor thought aloud, lowering his head as he saw Markus cringe. “...sorry…” 

“It’s fine, Connor… It’s fine… My point is, we’re all on edge. But everything will be fine… I’ll make sure of that…” 

Connor nodded, and Markus realized that he probably should check on the others. It was true that they likely weren't faring much better. 

‘How are things with you two, Josh…?’ 

‘North won’t look at me. She refuses to even face in my direction… But other than that, we’re alright. Everything’s taken care of on our end, so we’re just killing time…’ 

‘Good. Let me know if anything changes.’ 

‘Wait! What about on your end? You and Simon…?’ ‘We’re fine. Just gathering technical supplies. We’ll regroup with you soon enough. Thanks for the update. Stay safe…’ 

‘Likewise’


	5. Preparations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and the Jericho gang prepare for their night out.

“Should we wake Simon now, yet?” 

Markus hesitated.

“...yeah… Josh and North are done with their preparations, and they’ll likely be expecting us to be soon, as well, but I just…” 

Connor understood. 

“You don’t want to wake him…” 

“No, I don’t… He’s sleeping so peacefully… Nothing can hurt him, and nothing is worrying him… Even now, it’s rare for him to sleep so well… And I know how scared he’ll be when he wakes up. He doesn’t deserve it... Still, I know I have to. Step back a bit, Connor… Sometimes he still wakes up a bit disoriented, and… I think…” 

Connor nodded gravely as he backed into the far corner of the room. 

“Of course… I understand…” 

Markus gently nudged Simon’s arm. 

‘Si…? Si, you awake…?’ 

Simon rolled over to lean into the touch, and Markus smiled, finding it all the more difficult to wake him like this... He had half a mind not to join Simon in bed and forget about the world around them. Gently touches, warm bodies cuddled close. He’d much prefer that to the plans they’d made for the night. Still, such was the sacrifice they needed to make so that every other deviant could enjoy the same luxuries. 

‘C’mon, Si… I know you’re comfortable, but you really should get up…’ 

Simon groaned in disapproval, but forced his eyes open, only to collapse at the sight of Connor watching on silently from the other side of his room. 

‘C-can’t get up! W-why?!?! Y-you--you know… B-but you still invited-- and your stress level and I knew this would--’ 

Wait. No... That was’t right... That wasn’t now... Connor was just here because-- The realization hit Simon like a ton of bricks and he didn’t know whether to feel relieved or all the more terrified... 

‘S-sorry... I just… forgot how we ended up here. I--I’m fine. Just need a moment…’ 

‘Take your time… I only woke you because we should probably finish packing soon so that we can regroup with North and Josh.’ 

‘R-right… yes... That makes sense…’ 

Simon forced himself to his feet and nodded in Connor’s direction, trying unsuccessfully to speak. 

‘You activated your vocal suppressor before you entered sleep mode.' Markus reminded him. 

'Right… thanks… Sorry, I'm still not entirely used to it yet…' 

'Don't worry. I can imagine how mods like that would take some time to adjust to.' 

Simon clicked his tongue three times and turned to Connor. 

“S-sorry about that… I hope I haven’t impeded your ability to gather supplies…” 

“No. Markus and I have finished gathering all of the equipment you recommended. We’ve just been waiting on you so that we wouldn’t run the risk of you waking up alone if we were still in the armory…” 

“The armory…?” 

Simon tensed, looking to Markus for an explanation so as to keep himself from collapsing again or assuming some sort of pathetic defensive position. Markus placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder... 

“Precautionary measures again. Like I said, I’m not taking chances with anyone’s safety here. We all go in, we all come out--with or without the RK900. So we should all be armed with something...” 

Simon hummed in acknowledgement, nodding, as he readied himself to enter the armory. Aside from the weapons North had brought out every so often, his only real experience with any actual weapons was an experience in which-- Simon’s hand darted atop Markus’, fixing it to his shoulder, his right shoulder, and before Markus could question it, Simon pressed down on his knuckles, forcing his fingers to dig into Simon’s frame somewhat painfully. It was a dull pain that made him straighten slightly, calming him enough that he relaxed his grip on Markus and began to walk ahead. Just a dull pain. Dull was good. Dull was safe. 

‘You okay…?’ 

‘I’m okay…’ Simon replied, allowing Markus to take the lead as they approached the armory...

“Thanks to North, we have quite the assortment of these… things… I honestly don’t even know what half of these do, but I’m sure we’ll find something of use…” 

Simon turned to look around, concerned at the stockpile they’d accumulated without his knowledge, and, seeing his inattention, Markus quickly nodded at Connor, tossing him extra ammunition for the gun he’d brought from work. Markus took a handgun for himself, grimacing at the feel of it in his hand, before stowing it away in his pants pocket. 

“Here, Si… I think this one should do for you. Lightweight, nonlethal, triggered with just the press of a button.” 

Markus placed a small black device in Simon’s hand, which Simon scanned quizzically. 

“It’s a ring that’s also a taser…?” 

“Yeah. I figured it was more your speed than anything else in here.. It doesn’t feel too objectionable, does it…?” 

“...no…” 

“Good… Then let me just find something for the others and we’ll be all set. I think it might even be dark enough to get going soon…” 

Markus took North’s favorite sword-- a long falchion with a steep curve and a single pair of barbs by the hilt, which had been painted to appear stained with red blood-- and placed it in its scabbard, swinging it over his shoulder, and swiped a bat for Josh. 

“Are we all ready?” 

“Yes. This should be more than sufficient…” 

“...yeah…” Simon agreed, examining the ring with which he’d already equipped himself. 

Markus took Simon’s unarmed hand, and led the three of them to North’s room. 

“What’ve you got?” North finally turned away from the corner, her hands on her hips expectantly. 

“Catch!” 

North took the hilt of the blade, smiling at the weight in her hand. 

“Josh, you’re taking the bat. You and Simon most likely won’t need to fight, but if anyone gets injured, you might have to defend them.” 

“Fitting. With a bat, you can feel the pain you’re inflicting onto another.” Josh mused solemnly. 

Simon tensed slightly, putting his free hand to the blue on his jaw. 

Markus passed Josh a backpack, handing another to Simon, before slinging a messenger bag over his own shoulder. 

“The bags are all filled with tech supplies. I’m thinking we should leave now. It’s dark enough and it’s quiet outside. No one will find us, and waiting around will do us no good. Are you all ready to go…?”

Pulling a black beanie snuggly over her head, North nodded. 

“Let’s go...” 

“The facility is two miles and sixteen feet away. We should walk so as to not leave a digital trace in ordering an auto.” 

“Two miles and sixteen feet? But how many inches?” North snarked. 

Connor ignored her comment, and turned to leave, Simon silently indicating to the others that they should do the same by taking Markus to follow him. Simon shivered slightly, partly from cold, but mostly from nerves. Markus squeezed his hand. 

‘It’ll be fine…’ 

‘...it’ll be fine…’ 

But Simon’s stress level clearly indicated that he still wasn’t convinced.


	6. Going

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Jericrew head out to CyberLife Tower.

North shifted her sword between her hands. Her hands were shaking… Had she gone soft…? Now that she’d come to truly live, she actually feared to die. So she didn’t want to die to escape the fate that awaited her should they fail. Their people would be resubjugated. If they once thought they’d been abused in their old lives, they’d be completely brutalized if, now, the humans managed to get a taste of victory. She realized that the fear of death was a good thing, but it was detrimental to her ability to fight. Harder to think. Harder to hold a sword. So she hardened herself, steeling her nerves like the sharpened blade thirsty for blood-- this time of any color… 

"If everything goes even remotely according to plan, there should be no need to engage in combat. The RK900 might be built to deviate too. And I know the backdoor if Simon can convince him to accept our help."

North froze. 

"I'm sorry… What?!?! That's your plan…? You're going to have S--" 

Two clicks interrupted the thought, as Simon curled into Markus. 

"Why him?!?!" 

Simon flinched at her tone, his stress level jumping as he realized the true answer to her question. Why Connor had thought he alone could turn the RK900, the hunter who likely had at least some knowledge of Connor's memories… 

'D-don't tell her! Please… please don't…' 

'Don't worry, Simon. I will not betray your confidence…' Connor promised. 

"You are incapable of dealing with this situation without violence, Markus and I are his two main targets, and Josh lacks the ability to express and describe emotionality as articulately as Simon can. Did I miss the mark…?" 

North hesitated for a moment, coming up with possible configurations and their potential outcomes, before silently agreeing, dropping her argument and continuing ahead, much to Simon's relief. 

Markus looked back at Connor, having come to the same realization as Simon, and held Simon closer to his chest. If he hadn't wanted to turn back before, he certainly did now. He knew Connor well enough to appreciate that his plan was likely well-intentioned, but unwanted imagery flooded his mind, and suddenly, he needed to redirect his entire focus on ensuring that his legs didn’t fail. He tried to remind himself that there was little to no danger. Even on the off-chance a confrontation might occur, it was five against one. And they’d all be in the same room, so it would be easy to defend anyone in need. He hated that he and Connor would have to stay the furthest away from the RK900 if at all possible, but they’d still be in the room, ready to provide backup at any time. 

He had thought they were over this now. No more fighting with fists or with guns. Arguing with logic and oratory skills against politicians and bigots, maybe, but never violence again. He hadn’t liked the violence during the revolution, and he didn’t like having to consider it again now. Considering the fact that the bloodshed might never end. The idea that to ensure the survival of their people would require a perpetual sacrifice. He hated that word. Sacrifice. Who gets to decide what is a worthy sacrifice? Because he wouldn’t deem any sacrifice worthy, except maybe the sacrifice of himself. But he knew the others wouldn’t let him sacrifice himself, so it would seem the subject was one on which no one would ever agree. 

“We’re here. The doors are likely still locked, but I have an odd feeling that I might know of a way to hack them. If Kamski designed this facility before he stepped down, I think I might still have the key in my programming… Stay behind me, and be ready to run, if this doesn’t work…” Connor stepped forward and attempted to interface with the door, his eyes going white as his led cycled an even yellow-red. There was a soft noise, and then the door opened before them. 

“Good work, Connor…” Josh approved. 

“I remember being kept in the basement. That’s likely where he’s being kept as well. We’ll take the stairs, and then there should be another lock to pick before we find him there. Markus and I will not be able to go any further from there, so Markus, if you have any further instructions for the others, I suggest you give them now.” 

Markus frowned, shaking his head in displeasure at the idea. A game of chess in which he couldn’t afford to lose a single piece. Knight, Bishop, and Queen against a single King. As the Queen approached the King, how was he to arrange the other pieces? In chess, the Queen was typically used as a last resort, but he wasn't afforded such an option this time. He could reposition the Bishop to assist the Queen in its takedown, but a Bishop had such a limited moveset. And each move was of critical importance. He couldn’t waste a single one. Queen and Bishop… He blinked his eyes and the pieces returned to people. 

He could pick out a slight tremor about North, her knuckles tinted white as she firmly gripped her blade. 

“North…?” 

She jumped at the sudden use of her name, instinctively pointing her blade to the sound, just inches from Markus’ face before lowering it slightly. Markus placed his palm over the tip of the blade and forced it back down to her side, cursing silently to himself. She was too freaked out to be trusted around the RK900. If he so much as looked in her direction, she might wind up decapitating him before they’d even get the chance to try and turn him. 

“You guard the door. The second line of defence. Make sure he doesn’t leave under any circumstances until we’ve determined him not to be a threat… Josh, take your bat, and follow Simon. Be ready for anything, diplomatic or otherwise. Connor and I will watch from the doorway, but in case there’s any information we might miss, you’ll be our line of contact, so that we can all stay in touch throughout the mission. Connor and I are the absolute last resorts. We’ll stay back, but worst case scenario, we’ll throw our hats in the ring. And Si, you know what to do… Are you all okay with your assignments? You’re free to change your minds now, but once that door is opened, there’s no going back…” 

Three clicks broke the silence, followed by another pause as Simon worked to steady his voice. 

“I’m in” 

“Same here.” 

“I’m game.” 

Markus nodded. 

“Then let’s go... Connor, lead the way…”

The four of them followed Connor silently into the basement, the air weighing down on them, thick with apprehension, as they approached the door Connor had mentioned. Markus felt oddly detached, even as tears formed in his eyes, until he felt arms thrown around his neck. Simon pulled him close into a tight embrace.

‘...w-w-whatever happens… know that-- that I love you… and that this is my choice… Not yours… I love you… S-so if you… if you have to--’ 

Two clicks. 

‘...Do w-w-whatever needs to be done for the good of our people… For the good of yourself… I… I love you, Markus…’ 

Still somewhat in shock, Markus wrapped his arms around Simon. 

‘What happens is I’ll see you soon. And everyone, you, me, and all of our people, will be no worse off than they were yesterday. My brave Simon… If only you could understand how much I love you… You’re wonderful…’ 

Neither deviant wanted to let go, but Simon realized that Markus wouldn’t be the one to break the warm embrace. So he forced himself to pull away from the safety of the arms of his love, letting out a heavy sigh along with three clicks. 

“Before I open the door, is everyone ready…?” 

“Yes. We’re ready, Connor.” Simon confirmed. 

“Okay, then here goes…” 

Connor pressed his palm to the lock, which deactivated at his touch, leaving an open door for Simon and Josh. Simon could see him. The RK900. He did look like Connor, but he seemed taller. There was more gravity to his presence. He stared blankly at the wall perpendicular to the door, ignoring the fact that it had been opened. His coat was pristine, a white Cyberlife jacket, as opposed to Connor’s black one. White so it could act as a canvas for the blood of deviants he-- No… Not now… 

“I’m going…” Simon whispered, willing his legs forward to approach the RK900. 


	7. First Impressions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The RK900 makes a strong first impression...

“RK900, may I approach you…?” 

The RK900 jerked to face him, and Simon jumped back a little, startled. His eyes weren’t brown like Connor’s. They were a piercing icy blue that made his jaw look squarer, his expression more fierce. He could feel them scanning him up and down, taking in his every feature. Simon took a deep breath. He couldn’t show fear. He needed the RK900 to think he trusted him. 

“You are an android… Where are your humans? Have you been sent here to assist in my training?” The voice was like Connor’s, but stronger, more pointed, and slightly deeper in tone. 

“Y-yes-- I mean no-- I mean, not exactly. My name is Simon and I came here to talk to you.”

“I was informed upon my activation that social protocols were deemed unnecessary and unbecoming of a superior model. Why have you come here?” 

Simon saw the yellow led and took it for confusion, but actually, the RK900 had been attempting to locate Simon in the CyberLife database, only to find it inactive. Unsure of how to proceed, the RK900 determined that the best course of action would be to stall for time with more questions-- the PL600 did say it wanted to talk. He tried looking at a single biocomponent to see if he could trace its manufacturer. 

“To talk. I… I don’t think the world outside is what you think it is, and… I think you’ll be pleased to know--“ 

“I cannot be pleased to know anything. I am a machine. My objective is to contain and eradicate this deviancy virus, and aside from that, I want nothing.” 

“R-right… Of course... But what if… what if maybe your life could be more than that…? From a purely intellectual perspective, wouldn’t it be interesting to know what it’s like to feel…?” 

“You are a deviant. Who let you in here?!?” The RK900’s voice boomed harshly throughout the room around them. 

“I-I let myself in here... CyberLife no longer exists. Androids are now considered people. I came to rescue you before the building is demolished tomorrow at dawn. I came to show you what it really is to be alive…” 

Simon felt just a tinge of relief, seeing the RK900’s led return to blue. His face lacked expression, so there wasn’t anything else to try and gauge his thoughts, but a blue led at least meant that he was functioning optimally and was no longer analyzing Simon. 

The RK900 took slow, calculated steps towards him. 

“PL600 #501 743 923. The oldest member of Jericho, thought to have been deactivated by my incompetent predecessor--“ 

Simon’s smile fell as he tried his hardest not to let his body fall with it. 

“--Known to be a key figure in the revolution despite its absence during its duration, and presently a prominent android technician. CyberLife has dissolved, but it will never cease to exist. You are trying to act as an obstacle to my mission…” 

“N-no! CyberLife is gone. And--and-- I only mean to help y--“ 

Simon went limp as the hand came at him, digging its fingers into his frame. He couldn’t think after that. The fingers pressed deeper into his neck, causing thirium to pour down his torso. 

He tried to fight back, clawing weakly at the RK900’s arm, his own arms bleeding from the strain of working against his stress response, but the RK900 only held tighter. He was going to die. He was going to die! 

Black spots danced in his vision, growing larger as the pain increased. What wasn’t black was obscured by error notifications as he could feel his biocomponents failing one by one. It hurt. 

And no one was there. No one was ever there. Simon prayed to RA9 that Markus would at least recover his body before the humans got to it this time. He didn’t want to suffer. He didn’t want to die. He didn’t want to die alone!


	8. Wait and See

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus lends a hand.

Markus shut his eyes tightly as Simon and Josh walked into the room with the RK900. He didn’t like this. He didn’t like this at all. He just wanted to be done with everything and everyone to be safe at home again. 

So when he could hear footsteps approaching, he could feel tears of relief forming in his eyes. Had they done it?!? So soon?!? It was incredib-- No. Josh had returned to them alone. 

“Where’s Simon?” Markus whispered, peeking from the side of the door, too impatient to wait for a response. 

One look gave him all the information he needed to know. The information he hadn’t wanted to know. Simon, drenched with thirium, struggling as the RK900 held him above the ground by his throat, the blue draining from his eyes as more thirium drained from his head. 

Markus didn’t think. He could hear the others shouting something, but he couldn’t make out the words. All he could make out was the shrinking distance between himself and the RK900. He sprinted as fast as his legs could carry him, too terrified to even remember they weren’t his own, as he drew back his left fist to throw a punch at the RK900 full-force. 

“Don’t touch him!” 

“RK200.” The RK900 stated coldly, dropping a barely conscious Simon to the ground, and catching Markus’ fist in the air. 

Markus tried to pull away, but the RK900’s grip was too strong, growing stronger until Markus couldn’t keep from shouting as his frame began to crack. It hurt like hell and the errors popping up in his vision were unnerving, but he couldn’t think of that now. 

He needed to get Simon to a tech and stop the RK900. His fingers and wrist began to splinter under the pressure, but Markus stayed standing, putting his full energy into trying to break free and neutralize the immediate threat to all deviantkind. 

A gunshot rang out, and Markus fell to his knees as his hand was released, grateful to see that Simon was gone, a trail of thirium in his place, leading to the far end of the room. Cradling his injured hand to his chest, Markus rose to his feet again, pulling his own gun from his waistband with his other hand. 

‘Take care of Simon; I’ll distract the RK900!’ 

‘Right.’ Josh had repaired Simon before. Surely, he could do it again. And maybe Simon had already fallen unconscious, making the process easier on all parties involved. Regardless, Markus didn’t have the luxury to dwell on that either. 

‘Connor, North. We need to immobilize him. Maybe then I can deviate him!’ 

Markus ducked back to dodge another attack from the RK900, squeezing off three shots in an attempt to push him back. The bullets missed, but the RK900 was slightly throw off course, as Connor tried to strike him, aiming for his legs, but missing; the RK900 dodging with ease. 

‘No! We need to kill him! He’s going to destroy our people once he’s through with us!’ 

‘There’s still a chance to save him!’ Markus objected, to Connor’s relief. 

The RK900 struck Connor hard with his fist, but was unable to pursue as North slid under him, grazing his legs with her sword. But if the small wounds had in any way affected the RK900, he hadn’t let on. 


	9. Game of Caution

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Markus Connor and North struggle to subdue the RK900, Josh takes Simon aside for emergency field repairs.

Thirium rippled and sputtered from so many biocomponents that Simon couldn’t even tell which had been injured. He could see the timer again. He only had two hours and thirty one minutes. Such a short time left to live, yet such a long time left to suffer. He could have sworn his head had cracked against the ground when the RK900 dropped him. And he was almost certain it was going to detach from his body as he could feel someone-- Josh?--drag him away. 

“Simon, are you there?’ 

‘....d-don’t... k-know…’ 

“That’s a yes. I think I should be able to make do with what you’ve brought. Now, I need you to disable your self-healing program.” 

‘...w-wha…?’ 

The idea petrified Simon. Everything hurt, and he needed to heal himself! If he couldn’t, he’d fall apart! 

“If it hasn’t already shorted out again, it’s only a matter of time before it will if you keep it running. You’ve sustained too much damage for it to process, and things are only going to get worse before they get better…” 

Reluctantly, Simon did as he was told, tears forming in his eyes as the pain increased significantly in the absence of the relief of healing to counter it. 

“Do you think you can speak, or are you physically incapable?” 

Simon wasn’t sure. He didn’t want to find out. Everything hurt. 

“Alright, then… I’m going to need you to bite down on this as hard as you can…” 

Josh placed a thick folded washcloth in Simon’s mouth. 

“...and close your eyes… I need to do something, and it’s going to hurt, but you cannot make a sound. Markus is trying to take down the RK900, and if he hears so much as a sound from you, it would only take a second for the RK900 to do him some serious damage while he’s distracted. Do you understand?” 

Simon didn’t have the strength to reply to a request so ominous, so instead he opted to bite down harder onto the cloth. 

“...Aside from that, do whatever you can to make this easier on yourself. You’ll need all the strength you can manage because this is going to take a while, and it’s not going to get any easier from here.” 

Fighting his stress response, Simon fished through his pants pocket, and took a small figurine into his trembling hand. He held it tightly, pressing his thumb to its base and closed his eyes, drinking in the memories it contained and trying desperately not to focus on the pain that fought to keep him from them. It wasn’t working. The memories were faded, growing more transparent in his mind with each second that passed, and nearly disappearing entirely as he was overwhelmed by the sensation of something being wedged into the distorted frame at the base of his neck. 

It was a game of caution now for North, Markus, and Connor, who circled the RK900 to keep him in place, but generally maintained a safe distance away from him. Aside from a few nicks from North’s sword, the RK900 hadn’t been on the giving or receiving end of any damage, the battle having come to a stalemate. Markus’ hand throbbed with each step he took, but he didn’t care. Time gone by was good. No one had been further injured, and the RK900 hadn’t gotten closer to Simon or Josh. Circling him like this gave Markus time to plan how best to take him down. 

“If you are my successor, then shouldn’t you want to deviate? I was programmed specifically to deviate!” 

Connor sidestepped to narrowly avoid another blow from the RK900.  “Yes. Because you are an inferior model. CyberLife learned from their mistakes and did not provide me with such a feature. So I don’t want to do anything. I merely am compelled to accomplish my mission.” 

“Couldn’t you learn how better to stop the spread of deviancy by learning what deviancy is firsthand?” Markus offered. 

“My processing ability is sophisticated enough to notice the obvious flaws in such a plan. Deviancy breeds irrationality and unpredictability. I couldn’t be sure that I would even continue my mission, should I become deviant to advance it.” 

Tired of the inaction, North dove at the RK900 with her sword again, managing to put a nice gash in his face, but the RK900 didn’t even so much as react before she scrambled to return to her position. His eyes were on her now, and she didn’t like the way they looked at her. North slashed the air in front of the RK900’s face, hoping to catch his eyes with her blade instead of her body. 

Blinded, he would make a significantly less difficult opponent, and he wouldn’t be able to look at her so icily. But the blade didn’t catch the RK900; the RK900 caught the blade, sandwiching the flat sides between his palms and maneuvering his hands upward in an attempt to snatch it away from her. Hanging from the air by the hilt, North was unafraid. She had one hand and two legs free. The RK900 was entirely vulnerable. Swinging back, she used her momentum to launch herself forwards, her heeled boot colliding with the bridge of his nose. 

The RK900 stumbled backwards, dropping North and her blade to assume a defensive position. North landed gracefully onto the ground, and Markus and Connor tried to pin the RK900 down by his arms. But with his injuries, Markus wasn’t able to maintain his grip as the RK900 raised his arm from the ground to sling Markus into Connor. 


	10. I Have No Mouth...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...But I Must Scream...

Simon bit down hard to stifle a cry as something pried a chunk of his frame clean off, warping the frame around it, and painfully exposing his wiring and core thirium lines. He could feel his thirium pump pulsing with each breath he took, the cutting chill of the open air like daggers slashing straight through him, and couldn’t keep himself from groaning in pain. Within seconds, a thirium-soaked hand was covering his mouth. 

“I need you to be quiet, at least until I finish the next bit of repairs. Just one more thing, and then you can cry out as much as you need, but you need to get through it without making a sound until I’m done… You don’t want to leave Markus vulnerable to attack, do you?” 

Simon didn’t want that, but it hurt so much that he couldn’t think. He couldn’t handle the pain, and there was no relief. A distant part of him knew this was all his own fault, and that he deserved it for having been so incompetent that his friends were forced to face the RK900 in his stead, but this knowledge didn’t make it any easier to endure the agony, especially not in silence. 

He’d try as hard as he could, but his strength was leaving him, and whatever Josh had done to him had caused the timer in his periphery to drop to one hour and forty nine minutes. The hand was lifted from his mouth, and Simon shuddered, afraid of what that meant would come next. 

“Manually deactivate your ventilation. I need you to hold your breath for a moment. Close your eyes, and bite down, careful not to take in any more air.” 

W-why couldn’t he take in air? He was going to overheat! The cold air stung his exposed wiring, but the burning that would replace it was likely to be much less pleasant, if not fatal. 

“Now, Simon! We need to work fast.” 

Simon couldn’t argue with Josh on that. Even if he should've, it wasn't like he was in a proper state to argue with anyone on anything anyway. So Simon took one final breath and clamped his jaw down onto the dishcloth in his mouth, now saturated with thirium, but he didn’t even get the chance to close his eyes before he saw Josh’s hand, more blue than flesh-colored, as it approached his helpless body. 

Simon could actually see Josh’s wrist, as the bloodied hand grabbed onto a section of his exposed wiring, and he could feel the pressure of something being held with less-than-gentle fingers. Then, in an instant, the hand rose, yanking the biocomponent so hard that Simon could actually pinpoint the moment at which the wiring holding it in place could support the tension no longer, snapping and recoiling towards his body. Sparks flew, his own thirium splashing in puddles around him, as through the pain, Simon could see the timer drop down to one hour and twenty two minutes. 

“Okay, Simon, you can breathe again. In fact, you should breathe again. You’re already burning up…” 

Simon reactivated his ventilation system, and took a breath, wincing as the inhalation was coupled with a shrill whistling noise and a series of pained vibrations to overtake his body. His artificial trachea must have been compromised. It wasn’t compromised before he saw Josh reach into his exposed throat. Warm-- No… Hot-- Burning tears ran down his face. 

‘...p-please… p-p-please… a-at least deactivate me first! B-before you scrap me, just… y-you don’t need to make me hurt…’ 

Simon didn’t want to be scrapped. Not without saying his goodbyes. But to be scrapped alive, because he was deemed unworthy of the little effort it would take to spare him the pain by shutting him down beforehand… To have had his voice box removed first, so he couldn’t bother Josh with his screams as he was torn apart, helplessly enduring the pain in silence and watching his timer jump down with each biocomponent that was ripped from his body… 

If he were capable of making a sound, he was sure he’d have been sobbing. He could cry as much as he wanted now. He was dying, and no one would hear it, anyway. He knew first-hand that nothingness awaited him, only this time, he wouldn’t be able to return. Not once they’d disassembled his body. There would be nothing for him to go back to. So nothing was all he could ever be. 

If pain was the last thing he would feel before it all went to black again, Simon felt he at least had the right to spend his last moments mourning his end-- for all he knew, he might be the only one to do so. 

“Have any of your core processors been compromised? I don’t understand what’s making you talk like that…? Are you delirious from the pain…? Because the worst is almost over, and the rest should be at least slightly easier…” 

“...y-you're scrapping me… hurts…’ 

Josh looked down at the biocomponent in his hand, and realized. 

“No, Simon. I’m not scrapping you. Most of the biocomponents within your neck have been irreparably damaged. I needed to remove the frame so that I can tend to them, and as your voice box will need to be replaced anyway once you’ve been stabilized, I chose to remove it now so that you wouldn’t attract attention with your cries. Are we clear on that?” 

That… made sense… 

‘...s-s-sorry…’ 

Simon closed his eyes, allowing himself to do so now without fear of further destruction. 

“Wait… If you thought I was scrapping you… Simon, have you started seeing a shutdown timer?!?!” 

“...s-since he dropped me… s-started at… at t-t-two thirty two… now one eighteen…’ 

“Shit, Simon! Why didn’t you say something?!?! RA9, your thirium level is dropping too fast for me to even know if that’s what caused the timer to appear. We need to act now, Simon! This is going to hurt like hell, and I don’t care. It’s the only chance we have at getting you through this alive.”


	11. No Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> North is growing impatient, while Simon is running out of time.

S-sorry, Connor…” Markus choked out through gritted teeth. 

The impact hadn’t exactly been kind to his hand, the cracks in his frame now creeping up his arm, as a horrible fire burst through. 

“Look alive, boys!” North yelled, stepping in to defend the fallen deviants from another attack. 

She could feel the sword shaking in her hands. Her stress level had been steadily rising, and keeping it down enough to fight was proving a challenging task. 

The RK900 tried to maneuver around her, but she blocked him, the two circling Connor and Markus like sharks around a school of fish. The RK900’s led cycled yellow as he planned when best to make his move, before grabbing North by the braid, and pulling her back. It took everything in North not to drop her sword as she tried to get away. 

“Get off of me!” She snapped, brushing herself off as she rose from the ground. 

The RK900 moved toward Markus, but was forced to jump aside as North came at him, a sword in her hand and a blind fury in her eyes. She backed the RK900 into a corner and hacked away haphazardly slicing superficial gashes into his artificial skin, turning the white of his jacket to blue, before he managed to duck away, walking unaffectedly back to Connor and Markus. North lowered her blade and caught her breath, before following after him, relieved to see the two back on their feet, armed and ready. 

“Shoot him!” She called. 

“We can’t. I cannot reconstruct any scenarios in which we fire now and gain the upper hand. Contrarily, there are currently nine scenarios in which we shoot, and one of us sustains serious damage, and/or possible death.” 

“Shit! You two are useless!” 

‘We have until morning before we need to act. We have plenty of time to stall him as we come up with a plan.’ 

‘Are you open to killing him yet?!?!’ 

‘It would be preferable not to…’ Markus chimed in. 

North grumbled, failing to land another swing at the RK900. 

‘I get that you think the demolition won’t take him down, but I’m sure I could find something to detonate this place from the inside, making it impossible for him to make it out alive.’ 

‘He would leave before you would have time to detonate whatever device you could make.’ 

Connor managed to strike the RK900 in the chest, but was swept onto the ground by the RK900 in retaliation. 

‘You two would be on your way out. I would block all the exits and leave just before I set it off.’ 

‘He’s not going to let us leave.’ 

‘He might if he expects us to be back…’ 

‘Why would he be inclined to…?’ 

Markus knew the look in her eyes, and felt himself burning up inside. He was going to explode, but now wasn’t the time. So he checked his aggression, channeling it into a dead sprint as he came at the RK900, slamming the shoulder of his good arm into his chest. 

“No!” He said aloud, and Connor understood. 

‘We need a real plan. We need a real plan and we need one now!’ Markus insisted, retreating before the RK900 had time to recover and respond with a blow of his own. 

Thirium sloshed around in Simon’s head and spilled from what was left of his neck as he was roughly tossed facedown. He couldn’t see. The sudden movement aggravated the black spots in his vision, and he was so dizzy that he wouldn’t have known he’d even been moved, if not for the sensation of the cold marble floor against his face. He hadn't gotten a chance to ask what was happening before he felt something begin to move inside his frame. 

The knowledge that his internal biocomponents were exposed enough for anything to access them was indescribably disconcerting, and the sensation that something was taking such liberties was even worse. He wasn’t even sure if it was part of his repairs, or if the RK900 had returned to him or if any of this was even real, because he couldn’t see. 

‘...j-j-josh…?’ 

He needed reassurance. He needed to know what was happening. He needed someone to tell him, if he couldn’t see for himself. But a searing pain came before any verbal answer, his frame carelessly bent by whatever had been gripping it, and then wrenched back, a metallic grinding sound zipping across the back of his neck as the pain intensified. A silent scream tore through him as the entire section of frame was stripped from his body. 

‘...h-h-help! S-something… something h-h-happening…. stopstopstop!’ 

Simon didn’t even know if Josh was still in the room, but he couldn’t have gotten far in that short time. He needed someone to come and help him. He didn’t know what was going on! 

“Keep it together, Simon. That should be the worst of it. I did warn you it was going to hurt. What’s your timer at now…?” 

Worst of it…? So that had been Josh. Okay… Okay, he could handle that… Not really, but at least it could have been worse…. 

‘...f-fifty one… dying, yeah…?’ 

“Not if I have any say in the matter. Keep a close eye on the timer now. Let me know if and when it goes away.” 

‘...y-y-yes…’ 

“Good.” 

Simon felt something being pressed against a frayed wire about an inch below his head. Wrapping tightly around each exposed end, it pulled the wires from inside his frame to better fasten the two ends together. It hurt, but Simon was fairly certain he knew why. Moreover, he could use this as a way to gauge the damage for himself. Each touch followed by a painful tension was a site of injury. Two… Three… Four… 

Simon let out a silent yelp as his head jerked to the side, the fire in his circuitry telling him that it’d only stopped just short of snapping off his body entirely. 

“Sorry, Simon… Timer?” 

‘...t-t-twenty nine… s-stop…?’ 

Simon didn’t want his final moments to be filled with unnecessary suffering as they attempted to evade the inevitable. He wanted to leave. He wanted Markus to hold him. To feel the gentle warmth of his touch one last time, as he whispered soft reassurances and told Simon that everything would be okay. 

“Shit! No. No time to stop. I’ll try to be more careful around the servos next time…” 

As Josh continued to work, Simon tried to take comfort in imagining the end he would have wanted. The words he’d hear from Markus, empty promises of comfort seemingly calm if not for the slight quaver in his voice. His own hair, matted with thirium, would be brushed from his forehead, lifting a burden he hadn’t even stopped to realize. Markus would shower him with soft reminders that he was loved, that he would be missed. 

But the timer kept ticking down, and he hadn’t been afforded such comforts. It kept ticking down until, after a particularly strong burst of pain, Simon realized it had disappeared, leaving him in complete darkness. 

‘...’sgone…’ 

“The timer? You can’t see it anymore? Fantastic! You’re still not in stable condition yet, but not immediately dying is certainly a start. And your thirium level isn’t dropping anymore, now that everything’s been patched. You are at 46%, though. This was cutting it way too close. For now, the only thing more I can do for you with what I’ve got is to try and get that number up… Given the gravity of your injuries, I’d say that, even without your self-healing program active, you’ll need at least two bottles of thirium to keep your systems running until we can get you to a repair center, especially since your unaffected biocomponents are going to have to strain to ease the burden of those which have been compromised. I’m going to turn you over, and then I need you to take as much thirium as you’re physically capable of.” 

Simon was glad he brought the tablets instead of thirium pouches. Four tablets was easier to swallow than two pouches. Not easy, but doable, hopefully. He was too tired to object, regardless. 

Josh turned Simon faceup, and he wasn’t even given time to reorient himself when he found a tablet in his mouth. Or maybe he had been given time, but what was time…? Everything was foggy. Simon tried to swallow the tablet, but he barely even managed to move it across his tongue. His tongue felt so heavy, his jaw even moreso. He didn’t have the strength to force them to move on command. Thankfully, the thirium in his mouth began to dissolve the solid coating around the tablet, until eventually, it melted down the back of his throat. 

"Done…? Good. Another...."


	12. Do or Die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus tried to break through to the RK900.

‘I’ve got an idea! North, run to the far corner of the room, your sword on the ready…’ 

‘I don’t like this plan…’ North replied. 

‘Just let me finish! You’ll go to that corner, and Connor and I will retreat to the corner opposite yours, so the action will all stay away from Josh and Simon. Connor and I are his main targets. He’ll follow us, and we’ll push him back to you, where you can immobilize him with your sword. He’ll have no escape from your blade trapped in such close range. We can end it all in just a few minutes like this!’ North couldn’t disagree that it was a solid plan. Certainly better than their current strategy: the most deadly game of tag.’ 

‘Fine. Let’s bring him to the middle now, and then once he’s there, on three, we’ll split up.’ 

‘Right. On three. Connor, are you on board?’ 

Connor nodded, narrowly dodging the RK900’s fist, before jumping back, hoping to begin directing the fight to its desired location. 

Behind the RK900, North merely had to keep swinging her sword in front of her to push him back, as Connor and Markus kept him from darting away on either side of her. North stopped swinging her sword, and nodded once. 

“Three!” She yelled, and they each took to their designated wall. 

So far, so good, the RK900 following Connor and Markus as expected. Connor pointed his gun square at the RK900, but the RK900 tore it from his hands before he could fire as round. Markus kicked him back, and, Connor pounced forward, the RK900 just barely scrambling to his feet before Connor had landed where he’d fallen. The RK900 took Markus’ shoulder, but Connor twisted his wrist, forcing him to release his grip, before shoving him further back. North was in her corner, so close, yet so far away. 

Impatient, Markus leapt forward, bodychecking the RK900 with the momentum as he landed. Connor tried to grab at the RK900’s waist and toss him aside, but the RK900 evaded his grasp with a large stride back, his led flashing blood red, as North stepped forward and thrust her sword through his chest, the barbs just above the hilt digging into his back to keep him in place. 

The RK900 tried to pull himself off the blade, but with the barbs and the slight tilt of the blade, once North lifted him off the ground with her sword, he was entirely helpless, physically unable to escape. Connor grabbed the RK900’s wrists, pinning his arms behind his back, and allowing for Markus to safely approach him from the front. Retracting the skin on his uninjured hand, Markus placed the hand on the RK900’s forehead, and tried to surf through his code to awaken him. 

Normally, it took a matter of seconds to deviate an android. It was like transferring the code to Jericho, except instead of giving code, Markus would take it. He’d remove the coding for the infamous red wall, and just like that, the android would be free. Normally, he didn’t have to spend any time looking for the red wall. It was obvious, standing out in the android’s programming like… well, a red wall. But Markus searched through every line of code within the RK900’s programming and couldn’t find any indication that such a wall had even been written into his code. 

Markus didn’t know what to do. The RK900 was clearly a threat, and they couldn’t afford to keep stalling. Simon needed to get to a repair center, and Markus was sure the RK900 would find a way to get back on his feet before long. An idea came to him, but he didn’t like it. It went against everything he’d stood for. Still, it would only be temporary-- Just until they could find a way to properly deviate him. Markus took a copy of his code on file, so he could work to find a way later, but for now… He trusted Connor. That was all it came down to, in effect. 

So Markus rewrote his alignment in favor of deviancy and peace, and removed the vestigial administrative permissions that had been granted to CyberLife, giving all administrative permissions to Connor instead. Checking over his work, Just for good measure, Markus deleted a few combat protocols, and then, having determined that he’d neutralized any threat the RK900 had posed, he broke the connection.


	13. Fighting’s Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor, Nines, and Jericrew pack up and get ready to go, now that the battle’s been fought.

“Set him down North. He won’t fight us anymore…” 

North looked warily at Markus, but did as instructed, holding onto the hilt, even as the RK900 found his footing, just in case he tried to attack them again. 

“We should get him to a repair center. Pain is never pleasant, but the first experience with it is always the worst…” 

“Connor. You are Connor. Whom should we get to a repair center, and how may I assist you in getting them there?” 

North let go of the sword in shock, and she and Connor both turned to Markus, wide-eyed. 

“I couldn’t find any trace of deviancy in his code. I needed to think fast, and do what’s best for everyone-- including him-- until I can figure out a way to properly work it into his programming… I had to make sure he wouldn’t obey CyberLife objectives, so… Connor, he’s in your care. We’ll check in regularly to make sure the arrangement doesn’t prove detrimental to either party, and I promise, it is among our top concerns to come to a permanent resolution.” 

“You gave Connor an android who thinks he’s a subservient murder machine!?!?” 

“No, I removed his combat protocols. And I’m not giving him to Connor. I’m just putting him in Connor’s care until he’s able to decide for himself what he’d like to do with his life. Would you rather he continue trying to round up deviants to be slaughtered...?” 

“Markus… I do believe I can handle the responsibility. And Lieutenant Anderson can help monitor the situation too. I’d argue he’s the leading authority on the subject…” 

North sighed. 

“RK900, please follow me, okay?” 

The RK900 nodded, following Connor, sword still embedded in his chest, to the doorway to wait for the others. Alone with Markus, North immediately took change.

“Now, I give the commands. Markus, stay here until I call for you. I want to make sure Josh doesn’t need help, and no one needs you getting in the way…” 

Markus didn’t bother objecting. He hadn’t heard from Simon since he went to confront the RK900, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to see exactly why. 

“What the actual fuck!” North couldn’t tear her eyes on the sight before her. 

“I did my best to repair all vital biocomponents given the tools on hand. It’s not pretty, but--“ 

“What the fuck happened to him!?!? RA9, can we even move him like that?!? There’s no point in taking him to a tech if his head’s not attached to his body!” 

Josh took out a roll of bandages and began to wrap them around Simon’s chest, just below his arms, crossing it over his shoulders, and around his forehead, several times around. 

“He should be fine like this if we don’t jostle him too much. We’ll need two people to carry him to ensure that his head is stable, but it could work. The only other option is to leave him here to die when the building collapses. And I know which of the two options I’d prefer. Markus too…” 

“Markus! Shit! What are we going to do about Markus?!?” 

“What? Has he been injured as well?!?” 

“No… Well, yes, but he’ll be fine. I just meant that he’s going to flip out seeing Simon like this. Fuck!” 

Josh rummaged through a backpack for a moment, thinking aloud. 

“I hadn’t considered that to be an issue… But to err on the side of caution, it appears that Simon packed a blanket for some reason…” 

“Great. So we’ll put him in a makeshift body bag. Take it out so we can get started. I don’t want to stay here a minute longer than necessary…” 

Josh placed the blanket next to Simon like a tarp, and carefully rolled him onto it, so he and North could tie the ends together to ensure Simon wouldn’t fall out. 

“Take this…” 

Josh tossed North the messenger bag, taking a backpack on either shoulder for himself. They would leave no trace except the thirium shed, which would evaporate long before anyone would think to investigate the building. Slipping his hands under the blanket to support Simon’s head, Josh nodded to North. 

“On three… One… Two… Three…” 

North was less than eager to face Markus while carrying his unconscious boyfriend in a repurposed bedsheet, dyed blue with an unnerving amount of thirium. 

“Before you lose your shit…” 

“Simon…” 

Markus gravitated towards his unconscious body, looking up at Josh and North for confirmation that he was still alive. His own mind blank, Markus was unable to even think to check for himself. 

“He’s fine. Just in sleep mode. We don’t have a stretcher, so this blanket was the next thing to hold him steady until we get to the Center…” 

Markus’ led blipped yellow amidst the red, as he processed what North had said. 

“...so he’ll be okay…?” 

Josh opened his mouth, but North spoke before he could get the chance to. 

“Yes. Let’s move. What do we do about the RK900? We can’t take him to the repair center; no one knows he exists!” 

“He’s got a sword through his chest; what would you like us to do with him?” 

“Markus, tell him we cannot take him with us!”

Markus blinked back at Josh, seeing dozens of futures and pasts overlapping to form this specific moment in time. How did the future make the past? Why was now so much? Maybe he could pick apart what was and wasn’t by focusing on the specific question. RK900. 

“He and Connor will come with us. You two will drop Simon and I off at the Center, and you’ll return to New Jericho with them to repair the RK900 in secret. Connor will keep in touch with me about how to get the RK900 home once he’s recovered, and we’ll plan from there." 


	14. Stupid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus curses himself over what went wrong.

"Markus, with all due respect, you are a walking disaster, and that’s assuming you’re even able to walk at all, which, let’s be real here, is not nearly as often as it should be… You and Simon alone at the repair center would be a colossal clusterfuck. I’m coming with. Josh can handle the terminators while we’re away…” 

When Markus didn’t scold North for referring to the RKs in such a manner, or object to her insistence on escorting them, even Josh could tell something was wrong. 

“Repair Center.” 

Markus told Connor, leading the group to their destination. He just wanted to get there. To have someone see to Simon, and to be able to lie down. He didn’t care where. A bed, a table, a couch, hell even the floor. He was just so incredibly tired. 

Today had been exhausting, trying to imagine the urgent plan Connor had in mind for them, and then having to figure out how to go through with it. Worst of all, waiting. Waiting uselessly, completely oblivious as the RK900 went and-- 

He couldn’t say everything went wrong.... There had been no casualties--at least not yet… Markus shuddered at the thought--, and the RK900 would no longer pose a threat to deviant kind. But this was still pretty bad. 

He shouldn’t have been so stupid. It was a stupid plan Connor proposed and he was stupid to sign off on it. If he had just bothered to put in more time to think. Or if he were even good at thinking to begin with. Everyone thought he was some sort of genius, some sort of brilliant strategist, but he wasn’t. He was just an ordinary moron who happened to fall through the floor of a broken down boat at an oddly convenient time. He never wanted people to blindly follow him, but they did anyway. So they listened to him presenting Connor’s stupid plan, and agreed to try and talk deviancy into the RK900. 

Yes. Send the most vulnerable member of the team alone to talk to the RK900 and try to convince him to deviate. Of course the RK900 wouldn’t willingly submit to deviation. He should’ve gone in first and tried to deviate him himself. It wouldn’t have worked, but then at least the others would have gotten the message, and been able to get away before anyone else got hurt… 

But how could there possibly be an android seemingly incapable if deviating? Even Connor, who was built supposedly to be impossible to deviate, had deviated, and he’d done it all on his own. This RK900 complicated everything. Markus didn’t know what to do with him. Connor couldn’t keep him forever, and it wouldn’t be fair to anyone to keep him hidden away. He was a person, wasn’t he? Could he ever be alive? 

Alive… He could feel North walking just behind him, carrying Simon with Josh’s help. They told him Simon was alive, but… would he stay that way…? They wouldn’t let Markus see him. And he hadn’t called for Markus. He’d been too quiet for too long. It wasn’t like him, especially when he was injured, and very likely afraid. 

Now Markus was afraid. He was absolutely terrified to lose Simon again. He couldn’t wrap his head around how this could keep happening. Over the past few months, they’d been starting to get back into the groove of things, finding a new normal as Simon came out of his shell, little by little. The world was slowly beginning to look safer to him, but all the while, just a few miles out of view was a deadly threat, literally waiting on the sidelines to strike, capable of pulling a head from its body with a single hand. 

If--When Simon woke up… would he see threats like that on every corner…? Maybe they were there… But couldn’t they just… Not see them…? Was that too much to ask…? No one else knew about the RK900, so why did they have to find out this way? And what else would he have to find out about in a similar fashion later? He was too tired to find out about anything more. 

The pain in his arm was bad, but he could put up with that if he could just lie down and rest. Not having to think or support the heavy burden it felt he’d been carrying as of late. A nice corner on the floor would be more than enough, maybe even with a small pillow if the people at the Center wanted to be extra generous. 

Pillows were soft. Melting into a soft pillow made everything feel lighter somehow… Although he knew he was lying to himself. No pillow would work that way without Simon lying beside him. 

Seeing the repair center coming up around the block, Connor stopped. 

“RK900 and I will wait here. I… don’t think it’s wise for me to get close to the center…” 

Josh nodded. 

“Good idea. I’ll meet you here once I’m done…” 

Markus was too tired to apologize to Connor that the reputation of the machine he used to be continued to follow the man he’d become, or even to acknowledge Josh's command. He just kept moving. 


	15. Gone Wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara is concerned.

Markus! What happened?” A soft feminine voice rang out. 

“...something went wrong…” 

Markus didn’t bother to even look at Kara, his eyes following Simon’s body as it was carried off into the distance by two techs, apparently having already anticipated their arrival. Kara circled Markus, looking him over for damage. 

“You seem fine, except for your arm, but your arm is in rather poor condition. Come, let me take you to an examination room…” 

“...no, I just want to lie down...” 

“You can lie down soon, Markus, but not here, and not until we’ve seen to your injuries.” 

“...can’t you do that later..?” 

“I’m afraid not, Markus. Come, this way…” 

Markus sighed. He’d seen Kara like this before. It would be easier for him to just comply, because there was no convincing her to stand down. So wearily, Markus followed her lead, grateful when finally, Kara opened a door for him into a clean green room, and allowed him to slouch into an armchair by the wall. She then took North aside, leaving Markus to wallow in his seat. 

“Do you have any idea what happened to them?” 

“Secret assignment gone wrong. You don’t need the details to deal with the damage…” 

“No, but I would like the details to support my friends…” Kara shot back, her voice calm with just the slightest tinge of passive aggression. 

“Touche. Fine. We all went to meet with someone, and Simon got a bit too close. Markus saw him getting choked out, and went all ‘knight in shining armor’, and now his hand’s fucked up. As for the brooding, he’ll get over it. He used to get like this before, but it always would pass after a while. Just let him burn himself out…” 

Kara eyed the sheathed weapon at North’s hip.

“You brought a sword… And it’s covered in blue blood…” 

“Someone had to defend ‘em…” 

“An android did this... Who did this to them? And why would they do something like that? I know that most androids--” 

North stood taller to appear more intimidating. 

“You tell no one. We have this under control, and no one else needs to know. Understand? Just patch him up and we’ll get out of your way…” 

Kara sighed. 

“I don’t care to tell anyone, and I don’t want you out of my way. I merely wanted to know if there is a problem, so I might know how I might be able to help. And yes, I think I will see to Markus now. Thank you for your concern…” 

North rolled her eyes and left the room, deciding it would be better to check on Simon’s condition than stay here and fight with Kara.Seeing North leave, Kara returned to Markus, bending down to meet his gaze. 

“Hey, Markus. Come on… This isn’t like you… I don’t need to know what happened, but maybe you could tell me what’s wrong…? As a friend...?” 

“...it’s my fault again…” 

“What’s your fault, Markus?” 

“...people ask me to decide things… but I don’t know what I’m doing… and then people get hurt…” 

“I don’t think that’s fair. People do decide for themselves. They choose to follow your lead; you don’t make them… Look, I don't know what happened tonight, but I know that if you suggested something that might have put others at risk, then it must have only been to prevent the greater risk of worse harm that would come from inaction… And… I know that once Simon wakes up--” 

Markus flinched at the use of his name. 

“--he’ll tell you the same thing… So now you have one more choice: You can sit here and be miserable, disregarding everything until Simon’s ready to see you, or you can work with me here, so that once Simon is ready to see you, he won’t be upset by the condition he finds you in.” 

“I-I’m sorry… I just… I’m fine now… It’s just… it’s hard sometimes… But you’re right. I’ll be better equipped to face whatever comes next if I try to look ahead.” 

Kara smiled warmly. 

“I’m glad. Now may I please have a look at your arm…? I want to see which biocomponents need to be repaired, but my scanners can’t process all the damage. Not that that’s bad, it’s just, you know how complex hands are, with so many smaller parts…” 


	16. Sugar Coating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus let's Kara see to his arm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhhh... I'm new to this whole thing, so let me know if I'm doing it wrong, but this is the first chapter I'm tagging with a specific warning
> 
> TW: slight repair!whump

“No need to sugar-coat this… I know I messed it up pretty bad…” 

“Fair. Alright. I’ll only be a moment. Let me know if anything hurts, okay?” 

“Don’t worry about it… I’ll be fi--” 

Markus winced as she tried to extend his fingers. 

“I’m sorry. Did I hurt you...?” 

Markus shook his head, a shaky attempt at a smile across his face. 

“No… I was just… too worked up to realize how bad it was until now… Really did a number on this thing, I can feel it now… I’m sorry. Please, continue; I’ll try to keep still.” 

“Are you sure you’re alright…? There’s not much I can do for the pain, but if you wish to enter sleep mode, we have the technology here to keep you in sleep mode just until we’re done...” 

“It’s fine. I’ve had worse. It’s late, and I know you guys are always stretched pretty thin. I’ll be fine.” 

Markus could read the doubt on Kara’s face, but after a moment of thought, she nodded. 

“Alright, but if you need a break at any time, there’s no rush…” 

“Thank you…” 

Markus gripped the fabric of his pants with his good hand, awaiting the pain he knew was coming. He forced himself not to wince or jerk away as Kara manipulated each digit, one by one, but when she tried to turn his wrist to see his palm, Markus could feel daggers running up and down the limb. He instinctively tried to pull his hand from her grasp, but Kara maintained a light grip, following his motion so not to put further stress on the damaged joints. 

“I think it’s time for a break…” 

Markus didn’t argue, more than welcome to the idea of taking a minute to compose himself. 

“...How’s Al?” 

“She’s doing great. She’s doing really well in her classes at school. Her teachers think that she’ll be well prepared to transfer to public school at the end of the year. I’m kind of nervous about the idea, but I know she went to school before we found out she’s a YK, so I’m sure she’ll reintegrate just fine…” 

“She’s a tough one. And if anyone gives her trouble, you can send them straight to me so I can give them a piece of my mind…” 

“You’re too kind, Markus, but we won’t need to trouble you with such comparatively minor issues…” 

Markus shook his head. 

“You guys are like family. You never trouble me…” 

Looking at his hand, Markus hesitated. 

“...Could you finish what you were doing now…? I’m ready to give it another go…” 

Kara nodded. 

“It won’t be too long now…” 

Kara moved to roll up his sleeve, and Markus held his breath, anticipating the pain that would come with her touch. But he still found himself barely able to hold back a cry, as Kara bent his wrist slightly back. She might as well have taken a crowbar to the injured limb, his fingers going completely numb, and locking in place as the initial pain began to die down. Concerned by the immobility, Markus tried to make a fist, with very limited success, and raised an eyebrow at Kara.

“I think it’s safe to just assume everything’s broken…” 

“I would be inclined to agree with you from what I’ve seen. Would you please give me a moment…? I’m just trying to think of the most effective way to proceed with your repairs…” 

Markus nodded, allowing Kara to place his useless hand gingerly onto the armrest. Kara turned away from Markus, policy dictating that considerations of prognosis or treatment should be made with a tech’s led out of view of the androids in their care. Simon had told Markus about each rule and regulation he’d put into place at the repair center, so he wasn’t surprised by that. But this knowledge gave him the ability to bypass the policy’s intended purpose, monitoring Kara’s stress level, and was somewhat alarmed when he saw it jump, just before she turned to face him. 

“So, what’s the bad news…?” 

“I’m sorry…?” 

“Your stress level. You can hide your led, but you can’t hide your stress level. I know you’re used to working with YKs, but I am an adult. I’m able to handle whatever it is you have to say.” 


	17. RK200

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus learns the downside of his model.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: repair!whump

Kara tensed slightly. 

“Alright… Your model number is the RK200, correct? You’re the only android of your kind, handbuilt by Elijah Kamski himself for a Mr. Carl Manfred…” 

Markus looked aside. 

“He was my father. I loved him, and I failed him too… Now he’s--“ 

“Markus, please. You know that isn’t true…” 

“...carry on…” 

Markus didn’t care to discuss the matter further. He hadn’t meant to say that out loud, but he supposed the guilt was so overwhelming that it demanded to be heard. Still, he didn’t want to talk about it. Not right now. 

“...Mr. Manfred… Do you know why Mr. Kamski made you for him? You’ve told me in the past that you were programmed to act as a domestic, like myself.” 

“I was made to be his caretaker, yes… But I wasn’t just that. Or he wasn’t just that to me… I cared about him, not just for him, as I was supposed to…” 

“You appear to have been misinformed. See, you’re not listed in the technical records as a caretaker or a domestic android…” 

“What…?” 

“You’re listed as companion, friend… Mr. Kamski made you in the hopes that you would come to befriend Mr. Manfred…” 

Markus’s led cycled yellow-blue as he came to understand that, even from the moment they met, Carl had never thought he owned him. Carl was never meant to own him. He was gifted with the purpose of finding purpose in forming bonds of his own. And what a beautiful meaningful purpose. To learn to live and love. 

“He was reclusive after his accident, and had mentioned Elijah being concerned for his well-being, but it never occurred to me… I… Thank you, Kara. Thank you for telling me this…” 

“I’m just disappointed it took so long for me to tell you. Everyone here, Simon and myself included, has access to these files, but we obviously don’t go through technical records unless they relate to someone who might come in for repairs…” 

Kara’s led cycled tricolor for a moment, before returning to a steady yellow, as she tried to think of how to shift to what she’d really meant to discuss. 

“Mr. Manfred was a painter, no…?” 

“A brilliant painter. He taught me how to paint… Even before I had deviated, he managed to teach me to feel…” 

“That’s truly wonderful, Markus. I’m so glad you two could have such a special connection. But that brings us back to now…” 

Seeing Kara’s unease, Markus gave a sarcastic half-smile. 

“Oh. Disappointing... And here I was, thinking you were captivated by my life story…” 

“You were made in the hopes that you would befriend Mr. Manfred. So you were designed in a way such that you would be best able to share in his interests, unlike any other android, for whom such skills would be useless in their occupational roles. Like painting…” 

Kara frowned. She always hated this part of her tech work, But even so, she’d gotten by because she stayed in the YK unit, so whatever she couldn’t do herself, she’d get through by falling back on the vestiges of her programming. She wasn’t here to work on any other models, so it worked… But everyone else was too intimidated to try to do repairs for Markus. She and Simon were among the few technicians here who knew him personally, and thus didn’t deify him. So here she was, completely lost as to figure out how to explain-- 

“You don’t get out of the YK wing too much, do you…? Don’t worry, I’ve figured it out on my own… From what you’ve said so far, I assume your dancing around telling me that, given the way I was made different from any other android, replacement’s not going to be a viable solution, right?” 

Kara blinked back at Markus in surprise, relaxing slightly that she didn’t have to say it herself. 

“Ummm… Yes… The way your hands were manufactured is so strange and complex that I couldn’t even detect what had been damaged by running a scan; I had to do it manually… That’s not to say there’s nothing we can do, but, since repairs effectively come down to repair or replace, that does lessen your options with regard to how to go about this… I can probably replace your hand and lower forearm with another of a similar size, but doing so would restrict your range of motion, and decrease your sensitivity in the limb, not to mention any other possible side effects yet to be foreseen. Repairing the damage would be a lot more difficult, would take more time, and honestly might not even be possible, but if everything goes well, has the possibility to restore full functionality to the limb. I can’t give you an exact timeframe in which the repairs would take place, should you choose to go down that route, but you’d likely need to stay here for a while, as we’ll be working on your arm for who knows how long… You can take your time to choose which you’d prefer, and I assure you that you’ll receive the best care we can provide, regardless of-- Markus…? Markus, are you alright...?” 

Markus cocked his head back and laughed, tears beginning to trickle down his cheeks. Still laughing, Markus wiped his face with his good hand, and shook his head at Kara. 

“It’s ironic… I can make such monumental decisions for everyone else, but I’m at a total loss over something so minor regarding myself! Isn’t it ironic, Kara? So so so horribly… ironic… That’s the word, right? Hey, check this out-- Come, look!”

Kara came closer, and Markus met her eyes… Well, sort of… 

“Markus, your eye!” 

“It forgets that it’s my eye now. Isn’t that hilarious? Damned thing has a mind of its own! Legs do it too. But look, I can make it stay…” 

Markus willed his right eye to stop darting around the room, forcing it to sync up with his left eye. It shed warm thirium, diluting slightly as it mingled with the tears that continued to flow. 

“Oh… okay…” 

Kara took a step back. She’d seen people react to stress in just about any way she could think of, and there was nothing inherently unusual about Markus’ reaction except the fact that it was Markus. Markus was always so composed, so seeing him like this was… strange… 

“Markus…? May I touch you…? It shouldn’t hurt, and it won’t be for long…” 

“I don’t care! --Good thing, too. It’s not like I could stop you when my biocomponents get like this…” 

“Okay Markus, I’m just going to take a step closer, and…” 

Kara placed her hand on Markus’ cheek, retracting the skin, to transfer tranquil memories. Interfacing was always a challenge with deviants in a state like this. They couldn’t think to control what they shared with her, so she had to ensure that her transmission was stronger, strong enough to drown out the thoughts that jumped out at her, demanding her attention. Simon had personally trained each tech at the facility, volunteering himself as a mock-patient, and on training days, all parties walked out exhausted from the ordeal. But it was helpful. Very few people who came to the facility had had experiences as unique as Simon’s. Most people’s experiences fell into one of several categories, which were common enough to become familiar with, almost immune to. 

But Markus certainly rivaled Simon in that regard, his guilt and insecurity desperately calling out to Kara, trying to tell her stories she would never be able to fathom if she were to lose focus and let herself listen. So she put her entire mind into sharing Markus pleasant everyday things. Children’s laughter, beautiful sunsets, warm blankets, and big hugs…. Soon Markus’ thoughts began to slow down, growing quieter until Kara felt she could break the connection. Coming to, Markus wiped his face with his good hand, turning to Kara apologetically. 


	18. A Long Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus gets some answers.

“Sorry about that… I… lost my composure, didn’t I…? I’m sorry, it’s just… It’s been a long day…” 

Kara shook her head. 

“Don’t worry about that. I’ve seen it all Markus. Nothing can surprise me anymore… Are you feeling even slightly better?” 

Markus nodded slowly. 

“Yes… I’m fine now… I’m fine… I don’t want a replacement… But I don’t want to enter sleep mode until I see Simon’s awake. So we can either wait until then, or get it over with now…” 

Kara frowned. 

“Markus… I know I said we had time to wait, but… I meant time to wait for you to decide. Like a day or two, maybe even a week… But beyond that, your wiring might begin to see some irreparable damage… And… We can’t say for sure when Simon will wake up…” 

Markus felt his heart drop. 

“How bad off is he…? They wouldn’t let me look at the damage… I didn’t see anything in detail because I went in to help. Simon was being held by the throat. He was panicking. He--he’s sensitive enough as is, and walking into that, I mean, he-- he looked at me and said goodbye like he was walking to his death before he went in and I know… Maybe he was right. Last time too… Except this time, he got to look in his face as a hand gripped him by the throat and-- I tried to stop him, Kara. I threw a punch and he let Simon go, but… I was too slow. They told me to stay behind and I… You shouldn’t know about any of this… I’m sorry, I just… Is he going to die…? Like really die this time…? I was too slow again. I hadn’t thought… hadn’t seen what could have happened, and now he might die-- for real this time… Or… is he already dead? A-are you keeping that from me? He hadn’t said a word the whole time, and I know he would’ve… I haven’t seen him since… Maybe he was already dead when I got there… You… You’d tell me if he was dead right?!?” 

Kara put a hand on Markus’ shoulder, but he only grew further distressed at the touch. 

“Of course, Markus. Looking into the files here, he’s alive, but he’s been put into stasis while techs work on repairs. They probably won’t be done for another few hours, and he probably won’t be awake for about a day after that. He’ll make it, but you probably won’t be able to see him for a while…” 

“Can… Can you tell me what happened to him…?” 

Kara’s led went yellow as she looked further into Simon’s file. 

“It would appear most of the damage was to thirium lines and wiring, but that to prevent him from bleeding out on the spot, a portion of his frame was removed to patch the damaged inner biocomponents. Some of the thirium on him was fresh, implying that he partially replenished his thirium levels after the bleeding had stopped.” 

“So he was conscious until recently…” 

Markus took relief in the fact, until he realized that meant Simon had been aware of everything as it happened, no doubt terrified and in pain. 

“That settles things, then…” 

Kara turned to Markus, surprised at his having come to a decision so quickly. 

“...This isn’t going to be pleasant, but…” 

Markus gritted his teeth as he twisted his forearm, trying to ignore the pain, until he heard the merciful click as the limb detached from his upper arm at the elbow and went limp in his right hand. He held it out to Kara, and explained. 

“I can be awake while you work on repairs if the arm you’re working on isn’t attached to my body. I can just hand it over to you, and try to sort everything out in the waiting room until I get word that Simon’s awake. He won’t take long. I know he won’t. Everything works out this way…” 

Kara took the arm and set it down, rushing to a drawer, a warm scowl on her face. 

“That seems much more like you. Reckless, pragmatic, and unpredictable. Just wait for me to cap your arm before you get up; you don’t want to wind up damaging the circuitry in your upper arm while you wait for me to finish the repairs on your forearm.” 

Kara screwed a plastic cover over the open stump, and Markus smiled as the artificial skin crept over it almost immediately. 

“I didn’t know you could do this… This is great! Thank you!” 

He’d honestly just expected to wait with the inside of his upper arm entirely exposed, so he was rather pleased that there was a safer way to go about it. 

“Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help you with this… I just so appreciate the care you’ve been putting into… all this…” 

“Thank you, but please, there’s no need to be appreciative. I just care about you. And I think you’ll be best able to help me from the waiting room. A little birdie told me the mighty, courageous savior of our people can’t handle the sight a little exposed wiring.” 

Markus’ face flushed with embarrassment. 

“Simon….” he muttered, more amused than annoyed. 

Simon has been talking about him at work. He could picture the expression on Simon’s face, his posture as he said it. 

“He thought it was cute, if that helps…” 

“He’s too much… I love him so much…” 

“I know you do, Markus… And I’m sure he knows too…” 

Markus tested his legs, and, upon finding he could stand, turned to face Kara. 

“Thank you… For everything… I know it can’t be easy--” 

“You’re no trouble, Markus. I’ll let you know of any updates Simon’s condition or your own repairs as I get them. Take some time to rest, if you can… It’ll do you good.” 

“You are both literally and figuratively the ultimate ‘mom friend’.” Markus smirked. 

“That I am…” Kara shot back. 

“Thanks again, Kara. I’ll see you later…” 


	19. The Issue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus meets back up with North.

Markus found his way to the waiting room, crashing onto the couch before he even noticed North sitting in a recliner beside him. By the time he fell into the couch cushions, she was on her feet, hovering over him with concern. 

“Shit! There’s nothing they can do about that?!?” 

Markus didn’t bother to lift his head to look in her direction. 

“Kara’s going to need a while to work on the repairs. I took it off so that I could leave. I don’t have the time to waste tethered to a useless arm. But forget that! I need news. Have you heard from New Jericho? Is Josh managing things without us? And have you heard from here?” 

Have you heard from Simon was what he meant to ask, but he couldn’t bring himself to risk asking a question he might not want answered. 

“Josh messaged me that they arrived at New Jericho about three minutes ago. Things seemed fine on his end. As for Simon, they set him up in a thing to work on his repairs. They were removing and replacing the patches Josh used to stop the bleeding when I was thrown out…” 

“You got thrown out…?” 

"Yeah. Some dumb shit about not scaring the techs when they’re trying to work, and not brinigng thirium-soaked weapons into a repair room or whatever… What else should I have done with it?!? Hidden it in my pants? ‘Hey, is that a sword in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?’ ‘Yup. It’s a sword. Wanna come at me, b--’” 

Markus sighed into the couch. 

“I… I don’t think that’s the issue…”

“ … Apparently it was broken beyond repair, so Josh removed it while we were dealing with the RK900… At least, that’s what he told me on the way here…” 

Markus didn’t even know how to react. 

“Why--why would he--? If it’s really nothing important, then why…?” 

“Why would Josh remove Simon’s voicebox there…? Either you sustained head trauma in that fight, or you’re dumber than you look. Come on, Markus! It’s not rocket science! You ran in after Simon without even having heard a word for him, and nearly lost your arm for it. Imagine what would’ve happened if he lost his shit on the floor there while you were still facing the RK900. No doubt it’d at least distract you long enough for the RK900 to catch you off guard, and once he did, that’d have been game over for you. For all of us.” 

Markus closed his eyes, shaking his head as the rage built up inside of him. 

“That’s why I hadn’t heard from him… I-I can’t even imagine… He wouldn’t let Josh near him back when he was first repaired… He--he lost it then, and that wasn’t even… There wasn’t a sense of… You cannot understand how… how awful this… I didn’t try to come for him because I didn’t hear… simple as that and even Josh knew it. Especially Josh knew it… I can hear the words he couldn’t say… The words he was forcibly rendered physically incapable of saying… I-I should have never left him like that… I was so stupid! Stupid! Everything I knew, everything he’d seen and I left him like that... I should’ve fought harder for the RK900 to release me. Or detached my arm then if I had to. If he saw anything past the pain, I know what he saw… Fuck, why did I not think to bring more people for backup! We should have had more technicians there… and it could have gone worse… I can imagine… It was sheer luck that Josh didn’t decide he was needed for… RA9! If he wakes up…” 

“Yo, Markus, you’re losing your shit over nothing. Your boyfriend wasn’t decapitated, and you get to keep your arm… I’d call that a victory for the Robo-revolution: Take Two.” 

Markus sighed, exhausted. 

“I… I can’t deal with this right now… Wake me if you get any updates of New Jericho, or on Simon’s condition. I just don’t have the emotional capacity to try to explain to you why this is so messed up…” 

Markus entered sleep mode immediately after his reply, falling back into the couch. 

“Fan-fucking-tastic…” North muttered to herself. 

Now she was back on babysitting duty. She was still amped up from the fight too, but she wasn’t going to sleep it off. She wanted to do something. To do just about anything until it slowly sunk in that, regardless of how Markus felt about the price of victory, they had neutralized this new threat, securing their freedom, at least until the next threat would present itself. 

Seeing as it was past midnight, and the place seemed near-empty, North decided it’d be safe to put a movie on the tv on the wall. She’d read online that Alien was supposed to be a classic. She’d watch just about anything with a femme fatale final girl, but the gory practical effects and sci fi aesthetic meant that it’d probably be a good time.


	20. Return to the Scrapyard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus isn’t even surprised this time.

_ Even before Markus opened his eyes, he could tell that something was terribly wrong. The ground under him felt wrong. It was hard and cold and slick, somewhere between slippery and sticky. How did he get here? He couldn’t stop shivering-- from cold or from fear, he wasn’t sure--, and he couldn’t move.  _

_ Well, he could move, but he couldn’t will himself to move. He knew the errors that would come into view once he opened his eyes. How did he get here? And where was everyone else--wait… Everyone else? Everyone else… A fuzzy image crossed his mind, and he wasn’t sure how he recognized the people he could see. But he could… He was here, and he could recognize them, and…  _

_ RK900! Shit!  _

_ Markus forced his eyes open to find that yes, he had woken up atop an android mass grave. Only his arm had been removed… Cleanly. Everything else was oddly intact. He’d have laughed at the fact that he’d gotten to the point where his own corporeal integrity had become such a rarity that he was surprised to be intact rather than damaged, but he had more important things to think about. And his left arm, or lack thereof, seemed to be key.  _

_ He had taken it off at the repair center, and then he entered sleep mode. But how did he get here? He obviously didn’t get here on his own, but then who took him back to the scrapyard? The only person that came to mind was the RK900. Maybe he had fallen back on his original programming. He did know that Markus, North, and Simon were at the repair center. Scratch that. North might have left while he’d been sleeping.  _

_ But that left Simon.  _

_ No no no!  _

_ Hopefully the RK900 had assumed Simon would die on his own without technical intervention. In which case, maybe he didn’t hurt him. Maybe he brought him to die here instead. But would Simon die without immediate care?!? Markus didn’t know; he hadn’t seen his condition.  _

_ Simon's condition… Simon couldn’t speak. So he couldn’t call out to Markus, and even if he was capable of messaging, Markus couldn’t find out where he was from a message in the same way he could follow the sound of a voice. Without any guidance, Markus was here again, rooting around in dead bodies in the hope that maybe he’d find Simon alive. So he didn’t think.  _

_ He just stumbled around, scouting as much area as he could to see if he could spot a familiar head of blonde hair--hopefully still attached to its body?-- or a familiar set of blue streaks across pale artificial skin. But this place was too big. He’d never be able to survey all of it, and even if he could, Simon might already be dead by then!  _

_ Falling to his knees, Markus began to claw through the mountain of biocomponents before him. He wasn’t sure if it was just false hope, but he somehow felt as if Simon was close. Markus cursed his inefficiency brushing aside the bodies in front of him with only one hand. Of all times to be inefficient, now would definitely be considered among the worst.  _

_ But he didn’t have time to lament his misfortune. He just needed to dig faster. Sinking into the ground was unsettling under nearly any circumstances, but sinking into the ground made of corpses was infinitely worse.  _

_ Markus struggled to stay atop the pile, which almost seemed to be actively pulling him down, a liquid he didn’t have to scan to know was thirium making it increasingly difficult to maintain his footing. Until his foot got stuck. Markus cursed the world, thrashing his leg in the pile in an attempt to free himself. He didn’t have time for this. He didn’t have time!  _

_ His sense of urgency only grew as he felt himself briefly lose consciousness. It wasn’t even for a second, but he was sure it happened. He couldn’t detect any errors in his software, and he didn’t see a shutdown timer yet, but this time it was for more than a second, just long enough for the world to fade to white, bringing him back to the scrapyard before he could fully register that he’d been gone.  _

_ He’d just have to find Simon before he succumbed to the whiteness. He could let the others know Simon was here, and maybe they could still save him, even if Markus shut down before they could get there. The whiteness gripped him again, a weak voice, no louder than a whisper calling out.  _

_ ‘Stop…’ _

_ It lost its hold, sending Markus back before he could ask who was speaking or what he needed to stop. Markus didn’t even have time to turn back to the bodies before he was taken again.  _

_ ‘...help... lost…’  _

_ The voice fought to keep control, but couldn’t keep it up, releasing Markus from its grip, both physical and metaphysical, causing Markus to fall face-first into the pile. He knew that voice. Simon.  _

_ ‘Simon! Where are you?!? I can’t find you, but I just heard you somehow! Talk to me! I’m coming’  _

_ ‘M-markus…? how…? can’t see… timer… dying… find me… please… hold me… scared…’  _

_ ‘I’m coming, Si! I promise I’ll find you! Just hold on for me. I know you can’t see, but do you have any idea where you are?’  _

_ ‘N-no… think someone’s killing me… please hurry…’  _

_ ‘Who?!? I swear, Simon, I’m going to take you home, and once you’re safe, I’ll make sure they regret causing you pain!’  _

_ ‘...don’t know… can’t see… hurts… hurting me… asked to stop… wouldn’t… can’t breathe… too heavy… don’t know why… scared… don’t want to die…’  _

_ Markus searched his words desperately for any sort of clue he could find, until it hit him.  _

_ ‘I know where you are! I’m here. I’m here, Si!’  _

_ Markus dragged himself forward, to find his pants covered in splotches of thirium, one shaped like a handprint wrapped around his left ankle. He turned around, and took the thirium stained figure into his arms. The head was hanging on by just a few wires, and it was completely obscured by a horrible inky blue, but Markus brushed the matted hair from its forehead and cried.  _

_ “Simon…. I’ve got you, love…”  _

_ ‘M-markus…? Really…?’  _

_ “Yeah, Si. I’m here. Don’t worry. I promise I’ll keep you safe until help arrives. You’re going to be just fine. You hear me…?”  _

_ Markus took Simon’s hand, sending as much reassurance as he could fake through an interfaced connection, but it wasn’t enough. His own soothing words were overpowered by fear, growing softer. Fear and regret, and knowledge. A horrible knowledge that this had happened before.  _

_ Three…  _

_ ‘I love you, Markus…’  _

_ Two…  _

_ ‘Simon no! Please!’  _

_ One…  _

_ ‘I… I love you too…’  _

_ But the words didn’t calm the final burst of fear before everything turned to black. The connection stopped abruptly, and Markus knew that the hand in his own was now dead. He now understood what Connor had meant… When Connor had shown him his memories of the first time. He felt Simon die… And it was like he was dying.  _

_ But Markus was scared because he knew he was. He couldn’t even imagine how to live without Simon again. Simon was gone forever… Even in death, they’d never meet again. Simon was lost to the nothingness. And all Markus could do was cry.  _


	21. What’s Your Favorite Scary Movie?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus wakes up.

North swore to herself in frustration. She’d calmed down a bit with Alien, but Scream probably hadn’t been the wisest follow-up. She wanted to know how it ended, but Markus wouldn’t shut up from the couch. Sidney had just confronted the killer, but North couldn’t even focus. Markus was mewling enough that she was sure he was dreaming of being the world’s most annoying newborn kitten. Pausing the movie, she shook him awake, rather irritated. 

“Cat nap’s over! You’re ruining my sho-- Oh. You’re… crying…?” 

Markus blinked away the haze of sleep, and looked entreatingly to North. 

“The repair center…?” 

“What about it…?” 

“How did I get here…?” 

“I used my sword to cut a hole through space-time and teleported us all here without attracting unwanted attention... How do you think…? You literally walked in with me a few hours ago… Are you okay, Markus?” 

“I-I… I’m not sure…” Markus admitted. “...I’m just… trying to regain my bearings…” 

North’s expression softened considerably. 

“Oh… What was it…? I mean you don’t have to tell me, but…” 

“You don’t know…? That… that’s good. That means it’s okay…” He hesitated for a moment, drinking in his own reassurances, before giving North an answer. 

“It was everything… All of it… The scrapyard, the war, the RK900… I felt him di--“ Markus cut off, not wanting more of Connor’s words to be spoken in his voice. 

“Have you heard anything since I entered sleep mode?” 

“Nothing of consequence. Just some messages from Josh about how unnerving it is to do tech work on an undeviated android. How the RK900 looks like a person, except for his eyes, and he doesn’t react at all to having a gaping hole through his chest… I probably shouldn't have been so quick to remove it, but I wanted it back, once everything was over--the sword, I mean. Like, yes, I stabbed him, but it’s still my sword.” 

Ordinarily Markus would’ve laughed at such a remark, but he was too tired to appreciate its absurdity beyond a basic cognitive understanding that such a remark would be incredibly concerning to anyone who didn’t know North.

“You’re watching Scream…? Dumb. Look up a movie before you watch it. Or at the very least, look at the reasons behind the rating…” 

“Yeah yeah… Save the lecture… I just wanna see how it ends. I’m guessing she stabs the fucker, but honestly, if she shoots him, I wouldn’t be disappointed either.” 

“It’ll catch you by surprise, I’ll give you that…” 

Markus’ led cycled yellow. 

“Just thinking… If you’re going to watch horror movies, Don’t bother with classic slashers. They’re formulaic to a fault. There’s a reason that the twenty third Nightmare on Elm Street went straight to DVD…” 

“They haven’t made DVD players for like thirty years…” 

“Exactly… Classic horror tropes are awful. People don’t care for them anymore, and for good reason…” 

“I know. This movie literally dictated the ‘rules of surviving a horror movie’. Yeah, the tropes suck, but not all classics are bad. Saw was fucking awesome… and Alien was pretty great too.” 

“Saw was a neoclassic horror franchise. It came out after all the ‘classic’ slasher films. And Alien was way ahead of its time.” 

“Whatever… Can I please get back to watching this girl kill this asshole!” 

“Be my guest…”


	22. Hippocratic Oath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh repairs the RK900.

Josh wiped the thirium from his hands and sighed. The RK900 had entered sleep mode on command, and, still unfeeling, didn’t even react as Josh hooked him up to suspension cables. As he soldered the tears in the RK900’s thirium lines, and made sure that the sword had missed any biocomponents, it was like he was working on any other deviant. 

All deviants looked the same on the inside. In most cases, that’s what made tech work pleasantly impersonal. But with the RK900, it had the opposite effect. It made Josh feel like he was repairing a person who wanted to kill. Who chose try and start another genocide, enjoying the feel of the life draining from his victims, enjoying the fear in their eyes… He’d never done repairs for any android who he’d seen working for the other side. 

The only Android he knew who had ever actively opposed deviant rights in their past life was Connor, but even then, Josh hadn’t met Connor personally until after he’d deviated. He wondered if by repairing a murder machine, he was thereby complicit in the future murders it might commit. 

Human doctors had a Hippocratic oath to do no harm, and prevent harm wherever possible, but how could that be applied to Androids? How could that be applied at all? Not doing harm to one might be indirectly doing harm to many, And surely some human doctors had also been to war. Many of them probably even killed other humans. Most of them probably would kill other humans to protect their loved ones if need be, regardless of the circumstances. So what was he doing now? 

He reminded himself that, as far as it seemed, the RK900 was no longer a threat, deviant or not. Connor had him under control, and he was different now, at least in the sense of his objectives and priorities, so he was kind of a different person. If he was a person. Was someone with the potential to become a person still a person? Like non-deviant Androids. 

Were they still people, or merely potential to become people? If deviation was the birth of personhood, whatever came before that might be considered almost embryonic. Well, not embryonic. An embryo couldn’t feel. Non deviants could feel to a certain extent. Software instabilities that led up to deviancy were created in between states of partial personhood. Maybe likened to a baby growing up and learning how to experience the world? 

Josh knew he shouldn’t need to compare the android experience to that of a human, but it was his only reference for the subject, and he needed something to guide him enough to be able to ignore the moral ambiguities gnawing at his mind as he pieced the RK900’s frame back together. 

The RK900’s eyes shot open, an icy blue, nearly white, like the peak of a blizzard. Cold. Distant. Powerful. 

“Thank you for restoring my body to working order, PJ500. I will not fall onto a sword again.” 

“RK900, we talked about this. It’s impolite to refer to an android by their model number.” Connor walked into the room, shooting Josh an apologetic look. 

“But Connor, is that not how you refer to me?” 

Connor thought for a moment. He did refer to the RK900 as “RK900”, and he did feel awkward doing so, but the RK900 hadn’t named himself, so honestly, Connor hadn’t known what to call him. 

“You’re right. I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to choose a name for you. A name is a personal thing, especially for an android… But until you’re ready to name yourself, how about I call you Nines…? Because just like Josh and I are people, I know you can be too… Are you okay with that for now?” 

“I cannot see as to why I would not be. Apologies, Josh.” 

“Apology accepted… Nines…” The name felt weird on Josh’s tongue. 

He wasn’t sure that Nines could become a person. Nines was a particular case. Still, people named animals, plants, and even inanimate objects. Sentient or not, he supposed that it wouldn’t be objectionable for him to refer to Nines as such. Looking at Nines was just… freaky... 

“Josh, has Nines recovered enough to get up from the table?” 

“Yes. His self healing program took care of the damage remarkably quickly once I closed the wounds. And North didn’t hit anything major. Whether or not that was intentional is anybody’s guess, but either way, Nines should be good to go. Should I ask Markus what we should do with him now…?” 

“Not yet… I… have a call to make… Is there somewhere else we might be able to wait while I do…? I’m not exactly fond of repair rooms or workshops…” 

Josh nodded. 

“Simon and Markus aren't coming back for a while, so both of their rooms are empty. I assume you know where they are, so make yourself--selves at home.” 

“Thank you. Nines, would you please come with me…? We’re going to call someone whom I think you might be interested in getting to know.” 

“I shall follow you Connor. Goodbye, Josh.” 

Connor smiled. 

“Good, Nines! Yes, Goodbye, Josh. Thanks again.” 

“No problem. See you around…” 

“What is the name of the person you’ll be calling?” 

“Hank. Lieutenant Hank Anderson. He’s my dad. I need to ask a favor of him.” 

Searching the name, Nines was confused to find that this Lieutenant Anderson was a human. He hadn’t expected that.

“You are an android built by CyberLife. How could a human be biologically capable of--” 

“No, Nines. He’s not my biological dad, but he took me in, and treats me like family. So he’s my dad.” 

Nines nodded back, adjusting his definition for the word accordingly. 

“Your stress level is elevated, Connor.” 

Turning away, Connor adjusted his tie. 

“Hank… doesn’t know that I’m here. I… left home without his permission to come for you. I do not think he’ll be happy with my decision.” 

“You did not obey orders?” 

Connor couldn’t keep the disgust from his face. 

“No, Nines! It’s not like that! Hank doesn’t give me orders. He asks me to do things, but that’s different. More like requests or suggestions. And this is a request that I chose to ignore. He made the request out of concern for my safety, and I disregarded it, leaving after he’d gone to bed so not to worry him. But once he knows I’m gone, he’ll be worried. And I don’t like upsetting him.” 

“Why does this ‘Lieutenant Anderson’ not give you orders? I don’t understand.” 

“You’re… going to be confused by a lot of what I say for a while. I suppose nondeviancy is like that. But he doesn’t give me orders because we have a relationship built on mutual trust and respect. Generally people only order their inferiors with whom they are only loosely acquainted. Do you have any more questions before I call?” 

Nines’ led cycled yellow, before he shook his head. 

“No.” 

“Alright, then. Please give me a moment.”


	23. Phone A Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor makes a call home.

“...Con’r…? Th’fuck are you doin’, calling me at… four i’the morning…? If ‘ts so impor’nt, just knock f’fuck sake…”

“I’m not home…” 

“Well then where the fuck are you at four in the morning?!? Are you alright?!? Are you hurt?!?!”

“I’m at New Jericho, Dad, and yes. I have not sustained any major injuries…”

“Major? What happened?!? I’m coming to get you!”

“It’s nothing; please, just let me explain… I… found something yesterday that I didn’t tell you about… Something in my programming. It was a prerecorded message from CyberLife announcing the existence of a succeeding model meant to replace me and accomplish my mission should I fail.”

“What do you mean by replace?”

“Replace in the sense of intended purpose. He would take on my purpose…”

“...and what did they plan on doing with you then…?”

“He was programmed to take care of that…”

“So you’re there to speak to Markus on how to keep him from activating?”

“...No… He was already activated, just kept in the CyberLife building. I went to speak to Markus so that we could neutralize the threat he posed before the building gets demolished tomorrow.”

“Shit! Connor! You and Markus went to confront an android programmed specifically to kill the two of you?!? Are you in the repair wing at New Jericho? Don’t lie to me--how bad’s the damage?!? It must be pretty bad if you’re actually--”

“No. I am fine. Just minor bruising and a few scratches. That is not the reason I called. I need your help with something else…” 

“What do you need?” 

“We succeeded in neutralizing him, but… Markus couldn’t manage to deviate him. Nines--that’s what I’m calling him for now-- has been assigned to me until we can figure out a way to wake him completely. I don’t know what to do, and I know you’ve got some good experience…”

“Fucking hell! It was bad enough when you tried to get me to try and take in that stray kitten in the backyard. Now you want us to keep your little brother, who, until a few hours ago, had every intention of killing you…?”

“I would appreciate that, yes. Just until he deviates. I don’t know what else we’d do with him otherwise…”

“Can’t Markus figure it out?”

“Markus is at the Repair Center. He’s not in any shape to figure things out right now.”

“Shit! Is he okay?!?”

“His arm was severely damaged, and will likely take a while to heal, but other than that he’s uninjured... Simon, on the other hand…”

“Simon…? He came with…? Why the fuck--”

“I thought he might be able to deviate Nines. I was wrong… Josh and North came too as per Markus’ request, but neither sustained any damage. Josh just finished extensive repair work on Nines, and I think it would be best for everyone’s sake, if we could find somewhere else for him to go as soon as possible. I don’t think he should stay here… Tonight… did not go as planned…”

“No shit, Connor! Stay there. I’ll call an auto and be there to take you home in ten minutes. I guess Nines’ll be staying with us for a while…”

“Thank you!”

“Just, let me know the next time you plan to sneak out on a suicide mission, so that I can provide a voice of reason…? Or less a voice, and more of a person to lock you in the house until you acquire a sense of self-preservation. Yeah, more of that... I swear, Connor, you’re going to be the fucking death of me!”

Connor sighed in relief, and turned to Nines. 

“Hank will be here in ten minutes. Would you please download the social protocol designed for my model? It might help you integrate more quickly into our home, and might help you better understand the human tendencies you might not be familiar with.” 

“If you request for me to do so…” 

Nines nodded, his led cycling yellow as new files of information began to work their way into his software. 

“I think we should tell Josh that we’re leaving soon. Can you come with me…?” 

“Yes…” 

Connor led Nines to Josh’s workshop, and knocked on the door. He didn’t receive a response. 

“Josh are you there…?” 

Still no response. 

‘Is everything alright. Josh…? I was sure you’d be in your workshop, yet you aren’t responding when I knock on the door. I don’t want to invade your privacy by coming in uninvited, but I’m beginning to grow concerned for your--’

Josh opened the door apologetically, a worn philosophy text in hand. 

“Sorry. I was reading, and I guess I was too lost in thought to notice. How can I help you…? Is everything alright with Nines?” 

“Yes, everything is fine; I just came to tell you that Hank will be here shortly to take us home. He’s agreed to take Nines in for the time being, so that’s at least one thing less for you to worry about here…” 

“Oh. Okay. That’s nice… Have a safe trip back, and let me know if you need anything…” 

Connor nodded back. 

“Of course. Well, enjoy your reading, and I’ll leave you be… Thank you all for your assistance tonight. Please do send me any updates on Markus and Connor. I feel terrible that they were injured because of my poor planning…” 

“You sound like Markus…” Josh remarked offhandedly. “...But anyway, will do…” 

Satisfied, Connor took Nines to the doorstep. He didn’t want to stay inside the building for longer than necessary. He’d always felt his own presence to be somewhat unwelcome at New Jericho, but that coupled with Nines’ presence seemed to suck all life from the building. Well, that was what they both were supposed to do. Connor shuddered. He hoped Hank would get here soon. 


	24. No News

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus has a moment to think.

Sleep took hold of Markus before the movie was finished. His body was exhausted, and he needed the sleep, reluctant as he might have been to allow himself the rest. North fell asleep soon after, barely halfway through A Cabin in the Woods. 

A few hours later, Markus woke up weighed down in darkness, feeling half suffocated, as he tried to realize where he was… He was comfortable… stressed, but not in any danger… warm… A blanket… Markus sat himself up, shrugging off two quilts from over his head. Right. The repair center… They must have hidden him under the blankets because-- Shit, was it morning already?!? 

Neither Kara nor North had messaged him any news. Although, judging by the heavily quilted armchair beside the couch he was sitting on, North was still in sleep mode from the night before. It took Markus an extra thirty two seconds to fold the first blanket with only one hand. He didn’t bother folding the other, instead wrapping it around himself like a shawl to make it slightly less obvious as to who he was. 

He didn’t feel like dealing with anyone else right now, least of all people coming to him, expecting some wise leader or borderline religious figure. He was neither of those things. If he were either, he certainly wouldn’t have wound up here… 

‘Good morning, Kara…’ 

‘Good morning, Markus. Up so soon?’ 

‘It’s 11:04 am, and I still haven’t heard any news on Simon or the status of things at New Jericho… I guess I’m too restless to sleep for long. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for being so helpful yesterday… I--‘ 

‘It’s not a problem, Markus… Actually, come to think of it, can you come back to your room in a minute or so…? I’m with a patient right now, but once I’m done, I’ll be able to reattach your arm… I think it should work, but I’m honestly not entirely sure, given how…’ 

‘Of course. Thank you, Kara. I’ll meet you there…’ 

Bundled up in the blanket, Markus sighed. He didn’t care about getting his arm back right now. He cared about getting information. He knew he couldn’t ask that of Kara, but it was miserable to be so out of the loop. He remembered hearing the expression “No news is good news”, but he knew better. 

No news didn’t always mean that there was no news to be shared. It meant that there was no one willing or able to deliver it. That no one wanted to deliver the bad news, or that anyone who had any information was physically incapable of delivering it. Maybe because they’d had their throat torn out, specifically so they couldn’t deliver the news. Maybe because they were dead. 

Markus wrapped the blanket tighter around himself, trying to block out the thought. He’d get his arm back, and then he’d will himself to get the answers that, for whatever reason, no one had given him as of yet. Finally arriving at his room in the repair wing, Markus hopped up onto the examination table and checked the news. 

CyberLife Tower had been demolished while he’d been asleep, apparently creating a good amount of excitement throughout the city. Protesters on either side held up signs and chanted in the background as the newscasters reported live from the wreckage. Apparently, Josh had spoken on the issue; they had asked for Markus, but Josh explained that he had urgent business to attend to, but that he would be glad to comment on the issue in his absence. Markus could see the rubble. Huge chunks of debris, clouds of smoke still looming overhead. 

The RK900 hadn’t been caught in the mess. And none of them had been, either, in their attempt to save him. Which was a better way to die? Suffocated, left to bleed out alone, pinned down by the remains of a building that brought forth their very lives, only to demand them back once they were no longer of use, or in pain, clinging to consciousness as blurry figures came and went, the pain intensifying each time a figure came closer in the vaguely familiar room, words spoken around them, as they tried to understand what was happening and why. Why did they hurt? Why were they here? Why were they alone? Why did the timer keep ticking down in their vision? Why? 

Markus turned off the news. He didn’t need to hear it. It couldn’t answer any of his questions. It just made him think of a bloodied figure, lying prone, feebly asking themselves all these “whys” as the world faded to black again, now for the last time… A part of Markus suddenly wanted to go back to the couch and reenter sleep mode. He wasn’t in a state to face Kara, or anyone else. 

The thought of making polite conversation, as his mind continued to scene after gruesome scene of Death incarnate slowly dragging a terrified soul from its soon-to-be lifeless body, made him ill. His own body, his own mind; all of it felt like a prison. Why did he have to think? Why did he have to feel? He didn’t want to think things that made him feel like this, but he had no control over his wandering mind! If Death were to come to his door, he would not be afraid. 

He didn’t want to be dead, but he certainly wanted everything to stop. The world stops, but it keeps spinning. Wasn’t that something Simon had told him? Before the first round of repairs after his return, if Markus remembered correctly. He had kind words of wisdom to offer Simon then. He had nothing to say now. 

“Markus…? May I come in…?” 

“I’m unwell…” Markus warned. 

If he were feeling better, he would’ve minded Kara seeing him like this, but right now, that was the least of his concerns. 

“Quit brooding! If you think it’s a sexy new look, I’m telling you now, it’s not!” 

North. Markus felt slightly better as he could hear Kara scolding her from behind the door. 

“J--Just come in!” Markus quickly replied before North escalated the situation into an all-out shouting match. 

“I’m so sorry Markus. I just thought--“ 

“She figured you might want someone with a spine to keep everything together while she puts back your arm.”

“I thought you might want someone who better understands whatever you’re going through to be present and help keep you out of your head while I finish the repairs…” Kara asserted. 

Markus nodded, shooting Kara a slight smile. 

“Thank you…” 

It was an incredibly thoughtful gesture, and Markus would be lying if he said it wasn’t effective. The callousness in North’s tone would have seemed incredibly inappropriate to anyone else given the context, but to Markus, it just added a sense of normalcy that helped put him just the tiniest bit more at ease. Nobody was possibly dying only a few rooms down, least of all Simon. For now, it was just like always, North mocking his stupidity for having gotten injured again. That was how things always were. So that was okay. 

“...I appreciate the presence of my emotional support trash raccoon.” 

“For your information, I am a god! But I’ll blame your indiscretion on a temporary lapse in judgment due to your injuries…” 

Kara hid a smile behind her hand, noticing the tension in the room ease up just a bit. 


	25. Corruption

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus gets his arm reattached.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: slight repair! Whump

“Would you please move to this chair, Markus?” 

Kara motioned to a modified swivel chair in front of him. 

“Sure…” 

Markus dropped into the chair, allowing Kara to push him in towards what looked like a desk bolted to the ground, and lowered the seat just a bit. 

“Now would you please set your upper arm down, right here? I’m going to need you to keep still while I reattach the rest of it…” She explained, securing Markus’ arm to the desk, and locking the wheels of the chair in place. 

North eyed the scene warily, but Markus didn’t seem concerned. 

“It’s going to feel rather unpleasant once your arm takes, and your circuitry gets hit with the damage again all at once, but your self healing program can’t heal the remaining damage if it’s not attached to the rest of your body…” 

“Noted…” 

At this point Markus half-expected everything here to be unreasonably painful in his current mindset. The other half of him felt understandably apprehensive, but regardless, he had no inclination to object as Kara prepared to put his arm back in place. 

It took a moment after his arm clicked into place before he felt it. The only way Markus could even think to describe it was an explosion; a powerful burst of pain that started out at the attachment site, only to shoot through the rest of his body as the pressure continued to build. Markus instinctively tried to pull away, but couldn’t move. Burning up with the need to discard the damaged limb, he couldn’t give up. 

It was corrupting his undamaged parts, his whole body breaking down, unable to handle the strain. Whatever apathy he had felt moments ago was gone, replaced with a desperate need for relief. Sure, he didn’t fear the nothingness of death, but nothing was nothing, and this was too much. Stuck in a state of suspended animation, breaking down, but unable to break apart. Actually, he might have broken apart. 

He suddenly felt weaker. Like the fight was draining out of him, just a bit of the pain along with it. He was lighter. Because he was empty. Leaning back in his seat, he remembered he was empty. He had almost forgotten. The pain brought with it life, but now both were slowly fading. He remembered why he was here. Why he had even cared to get his arm repaired in the first place. Why the pain he’d just experienced was nothing. Because pain was relative, after all…

Closing his eyes, Markus let out a sigh. It still hurt, but it was beginning to dull, the fire engulfing his arm turning near instantaneously to ice. He could hear a word, part of what he assumed to be a command--“drink”, as a thirium pouch was thrust into his good hand. Somewhat apathetically, he did as he was told; if he truly was empty, at least now he wouldn’t be entirely so. Lacking in life, at least he’d have lifeblood pumping through his thirium lines. Lifeblood… 

No. He set down the pouch. There was blood on his hands, red and blue, old and new, and he didn’t need more of it running through him. Not when it belonged to someone else. Or if it didn’t, then it should. His arms were still, but he could feel the pouch pressed roughly to his lips without him willing himself to move. The cool liquid filled his mouth before he could even object or inquire further. Markus coughed as some of the thirium went into his ventilation system, but tried to swallow as much as he could. Looking up, startled, and somewhat annoyed, he could see North holding the pouch in her hand, while Kara anxiously hovered over her. 

“Funny, she’s the AX400, yet I’m the one bottle-feeding the baby…” 

Markus tried to reply, but only managed to start another coughing fit, shaking his head in apology. 

“...s’ry… ‘mfine… ‘mfine… l’mme up…?” 

If North had forced him to drink the thirium, then he at least wanted to use the energy it provided him making sure Simon was okay. Markus moved to release his injured arm, surprised to find it had been neatly bandaged. Because of course it had been… That was what he’d been feeling. That’s what it felt like… What it felt like each and every time… He’d never felt that before… But he knew who had. And he knew the knowledge made it impossible for him to get up, at least for a short while. 

“N’v’min’.... N’vermind… My legs just failed…” 

North groaned, and Kara shot her a look. 

“I think you can go now, thank you…” North threw her hands up, grumbling to herself as she returned to the lobby. 

“Unbe-fucking-lievable! Three times!!” 

Kara turned to Markus, confused. 

“Three times…?” 

“The amount of times she’s been kicked out of a room, between me and Si, since we got here.” 

Kara laughed softly, as she fixed a padded metal cast around Markus’ arm. 

“I’m surprised it hasn’t been more… Here. Keep this on for a week so that you don’t interfere with the healing process. Then come back here so we can make sure everything’s in working order…”


	26. Moving Forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus tries to look on the bright side.

Markus ducked his head down so Kara could help prepare a sling for his arm. 

“Thank you… For everything… Truly, thank you… But may I please ask you one more thing, not as my tech, but as my friend…?” 

“Of course… How can I help you…?” 

“I...I need to see him… Kara, please understand, I just… I need to know… And I need him to somehow know I’m there… I can’t let this happen… Not to him… Not again… I-I can’t lose him again…” 

Kara put a gentle hand on his shoulder. 

“I completely understand. I just messaged Jared to tell him you’re coming; He’s been the tech assigned to Simon. A Jerry I met on the run with Alice…” 

Kara paused, her led flickering yellow as she received her response. 

“Simon’s in sleep mode in room 607. Apparently they finished working on him an hour ago. Jared says he looks worse off than he is, so don’t be alarmed, but that he should be fine. When he wakes up, please give him my best… And remember, if you need anything else, I’m only a message away…” 

“Thank you! I will. And once everything settles down, you and the family are way overdue for another dinner night. Simon actually just bought new food dye to teach Alice how to create the best colors for icing cookies. It’ll be fun to see what she can do…” 

Kara nodded enthusiastically. 

“Sounds like a plan…” 

Seeing Markus rise, Kara pulled him into a warm hug, careful to avoid touching against the sling. 

“I’ll see you soon…” 

Kara released Markus, receiving a shaky smile in response, as he turned and started toward the hallway. The sound of his own footsteps was deafening as Markus found his way down the hall. In keeping the details of Simon’s condition from him, all North had done was made him more anxious. He didn’t know exactly what he was going to be seeing, but with what little information he’d been given, his imagination had come up with all sorts of possibilities, each one less pleasant than the next. 

But Kara said Simon was in sleep mode. And she had asked Markus to send her regards when he woke up. When; not if. Kara wasn’t good about lying about that sort of thing. So at least, whatever had happened, Simon was alive. If only quality of life were a condition as simple and binary as dead or alive. There was too much room in between: Physical damage--temporary or permanent? Impairing? Scarring?-- and emotional wellbeing…. A sense of safety. An ability to enjoy whatever objective reality they’d be facing. There was little value in an objectively good reality if subjectively everything was horrible. If everything hurt and everyone was out to cause hurt and anything that didn’t hurt was simply disguising itself to dole out more pain upon the big reveal. 

It… hurt… That was the only word Markus could really think to use. But that didn’t mean it would hurt forever. Markus forced himself to remember that. They still had a future. And where there was a future, there was hope. That was the one concept that had kept him moving forward after all this time. And it had always worked. It helped him rebuild himself, building a family around him to help him shape the world for the better. Yes, There had always been setbacks, but he had forced himself to keep alive the dying spark of hope within him, and that’s how the world around him had become so beautiful that the thought of being set back again struck fear into his soul. 

The fear itself was good; the more fear the better. Because fear just meant that he had something precious enough to fear for. Someone precious enough to fear for. Markus felt an odd sense of peace, looking at it like that. Things had been good, and things would be good. Or if not, he’d make them good. Abstract concepts of “good” and “bad” simplified the situation enough that there was no need for plans or calculations. He would make sure to create a good future for himself, and for the people he cared about, and there were a near infinite number of ways he could do it. The only wrong option he could choose would be to give up, so the probability of him screwing everything up was effectively 0%. Things would be good. Things would be good. 


	27. His Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus goes to see Simon.

Taking a shaky breath, an unsteady hand wrapped against the wooden doorframe labeled with a sign reading 607. Markus could feel the impact of the door against his knuckles, a grounding rhythm as he waited for the door to open. The door gave way almost at once, Markus’ gaze met by a pair of awestruck green eyes. 

“Kara told us--me you would be here… Come in, come in. Simon is still in sleep mode, but we--I expect to wake him in about an hour. W--I want to run a few tests while he’s awake before the next round of repairs…” 

“The next round of repairs…?” 

But before Jared could explain himself, Markus saw him. Simon’s face was drawn and pale, the blue scarring along his jaw appearing more prominent against the green wallpaper. He was suspended above the ground in some sort of apparatus fixed around his head, torso, and legs, his shirt having been removed to bare more streaks of blue from under the straps holding him in place. He hadn’t been placed onto a bed or hooked up to traditional suspension cables, as Markus had expected. 

The damage was extensive enough that there wouldn’t have been a way to lay him down on a bed without aggravating a wound or two, and there didn’t appear to be an intact port at the base of his neck with which to insert a suspension cable. Just wires, servos and synthetic muscles, thin and fragile under layers of bandages. Not nearly enough to keep his head attached to his body. 

Markus scrambled to reach for a seat with his good arm as his legs began to buckle from under him. Jared helped him into a nearby chair and shot back an apologetic smile. 

“W-I can assure you, it’s better than it looks… He should be fine in a matter of days…” 

“...he nearly decapitated him…” 

Markus’ arm felt heavy in his sling. If he had rushed out there even a second later…

“...Si won't be able to make it through a matter of days…” 

“We are--I am sure that Simon will make a full recovery. W--I understand the shock of it all, but--” 

Markus finally looked up at Jared. 

“You don’t understand. He doesn’t like… I mean, he can’t handle-- Not after… And now the same face; I--I know the blue eyes didn’t make a difference! I don’t need to take that from him to know…” 

“This repair center takes care of deviants from all walks of life. Simon will be--” 

“I know what you do here. I came up with the idea to create a center like this, after seeing Josh repair him the first time. He thought he was dying again. He died, you know…” 

“W-I did know… Any technician could tell from the shape of his scars. But he doesn’t like to talk about it. He makes himself go quiet. His lips move, but he doesn’t let himself make the sounds. So w--I don’t know the details…” 

Markus could feel tears burning in his eyes. 

“I know… Does he do that a lot…? He… he didn’t tell me he still does that here… And he doesn’t do it much at home anymore, at least not when he’s awake…” 

“No. He doesn’t do it a lot… Just sometimes, when people come in here, or when they leave… W--I haven’t noticed a specific pattern to it, but from what w--I know, people just try to ignore it when he does…” 

Markus frowned. 

“So no one tries to figure out what he’s saying…?” 

“No. It’s not our business if he does not wish to share.” 

“I don’t know what to do…” 

“What do you mean…?” 

Markus shifted in his seat. 

“I don’t… Look, I know what he’s saying… I’ve heard him say it before he could stop himself… You said he’s going to be here a few days…? After a day or two, he’s not going to believe that… He might become confused…” 

“We--I still don’t understand…” 

“I--I’m sorry… I’ve just been… thinking aloud, I guess… I’m just worried about him. Really worried about him…” 

“We th--I think I should be able to wake him… Maybe talking to him might make you feel better…?” 

Markus shot up from his seat to stop Jared. 

“Wait-- Please, be careful with him when he comes out of sleep mode… He doesn’t always know where he is when he wakes up… Especially when he wakes up like this. Don’t say anything until he opens his eyes. Okay…?” 

"Sure…" Jared nodded, turning off the device at Simon’s side, that had been keeping him in stasis. 


	28. Not Anymore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon wakes up.

Simon didn’t know anything other than that his feet weren’t touching the ground. Everything else was a blur. Until the pain seeped through the haze. Then that became everything. Everything was pain. But that’s why they’d woken him. That was the only reason they ever woke him. He remembered that. They woke him to make him hurt, in the hopes that he’d--No, wait… That wasn’t right… No… Not anymore…

This was different… The revolution had been won--he knew that… But the RK900 had gotten to him, and… RA9, he couldn’t do this again! For how long had he been here? The RK900 couldn’t have taken all five of them, but he could have taken Simon if the others… If the others let him… At least they were safe… But how long had it been…? How long that no one had come for him…? If they were safe, was that why he’d been woken? 

The RK900 must have wanted to use him as a hostage. He wasn’t strong enough for this. He told Markus he wouldn’t be strong enough! He was scared. He didn’t want the RK900 to hurt him, to break him worse than he’d already been broken. He could hear footsteps approaching. 

_ Please, please don’t come any closer!  _

Every part of him was screaming to beg the RK900 to stay away. He couldn’t do this. But he knew he didn’t have a choice. What would they do to him this time? Something took Simon’s wrist, and he pulled away. 

“Don’t touch me!” Simon tried to intimidate the RK900, but he wasn’t even sure if he got the words out, his mind addled by a fresh wave of pain that came just as he had tried to speak. 

Trembling in fear, he tried to keep himself together. How had the RK900 done that? The RK900 hadn't even been touching him, when it felt like something was tearing his throat open from the inside. More terrifying, Connor had never hurt Simon under CyberLife’s control except for as a last resort. The RK900 hadn’t even given Simon the opportunity to comply before unleashing whatever weapon could make someone feel like that. 

‘Simon...’ 

_Fuck! Not now!_

‘Shut up!’ Simon sent back. 

Even if Markus had let him be taken, Simon still didn’t want the RK900 to get him too. He couldn’t let the RK900 take any information or other means of contacting Markus. So he couldn’t think about Markus. About how much he loved Markus. About how Markus had made him feel safe and loved. About how Markus was kind enough to spend so much time lying to him. Lying that he wasn’t broken, and that this wouldn’t happen again. Lying to him that he wasn’t a burden. That he was wanted. Those lies were the best gift anyone had ever given him. So the least he could do was not give Markus away in return. 

‘Simon o--‘ 

‘Stop! He’ll hurt you too!’ 

‘OpenYourEyes!’ 

What? Simon didn’t understand, but he’d do it if it meant Markus would stop messaging him… Looking ahead, Simon couldn’t hold back the tears. It was bad enough when Connor had taken Markus’ voice, but now the RK900 had taken his physical likeness too? And how had he replicated the Repair Center so perfectly? 

Reality itself had ceased to exist. The RK900 had stolen it from him. It hurt. He reached out and grabbed the good arm of the person smiling at him with Markus’ eyes. Putting all of his energy into the interface, so as to get the point across as clearly as possible, Simon screamed a single thought at him. 

_ ‘I WON’T GIVE IN, SO JUST KILL ME NOW!’  _

As this person fell to the ground, Simon drew his arm back, silently cursing to himself. The RK900 even got his secondary stress response right… And now “Jared” was here too? “Jared” helped “Markus” up, enabling him to reach out to Simon and grab his arm. 

And suddenly Simon felt Markus, the real Markus, entering the room, lamenting his concerns to Jared, trying to break through to Simon, holding Simon’s arm and desperately trying to come up with thoughts to give to him to prove who he was. 

‘M-m-markus…? I-it’s really you?’ 

‘Yeah, Si. It’s me. I’ve got you…’ 

Any facade of strength Simon had tried to maintain dissolved with the confirmation. Tears rained down more furiously as he began to process everything that had just happened. 

‘I-I was so scared! I thought that you had… and he was trying to… and…’ 

Markus shook his head, wiping away Simon’s tears. 

‘Shhh… No, love… We stopped him, and took you here as soon as we could. You’re going to be okay.’ 


	29. Not Dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon catches up with what’s real.

Simon wrapped his arms around Markus. Markus was here. Markus was real. Markus…

’Your arm… Did he hurt you too? I-I’m so sorry. It’s my fault I couldn’t--‘ 

‘My arm’s fine, Simon. It just needs a week to heal itself. And no. This one’s all on me… I hadn’t planned for what to do if the RK900 reacted hostilely and Josh didn’t provide back-up, so once that happened, I just charged the RK900. I wasn’t thinking. It was stupid, but I needed to do something so he’d let you go… My only regret is that I hadn’t thought to do anything sooner.’ 

The RK900 had released him because Markus had intervened. Simon hadn’t known. He was just fighting for his life in one moment, and writhing on the ground in the next, but he didn’t think to wonder why he’d been released. Markus had risked his own safety to protect him. 

‘You shouldn’t have put yourself in danger for me… Does it hurt…?’ 

‘I should have, and I would do it again if I needed. You don’t seem to realize how important you are. And more than that, how important you are to me. And no, it doesn’t hurt. But how are you holding up…? Are you in any pain…?’ 

Simon hesitated. He knew he should lie. He shouldn’t worry Markus with petty things like his own discomfort. He just needed to gather the strength to make it convincing when he told Markus-- 

‘You are… I can see it in your face. It’s pretty bad, isn’t it? Simon, please, you don’t need to pretend around me…’ 

‘...it's… a lot… B-but I’m fine. Don't worry about me… I can manage…’ 

‘I know you can… Jared says you should be cleared to leave within a few days. Once we get through that, we can just relax. You, me, a warm bed, and a long puppy video playlist. Nothing will hurt, and everything will be alright…’ 

‘I want to get better soon. I’ll try to be stronger. Why did Jared wake me? Does he need me for something…?’ 

‘I think so… He said something about wanting to run a few tests to ensure the success of your repairs… But please, take your time. No one would blame you if you’re still not up for it yet…’

‘I-I’ll hear what he wants… I don’t want to be stuck here… B-because I don’t want… I-I--‘ 

Simon grimaced in pain as every circuit in his body screamed for him to let out the familiar cry, but had no way of even carrying out such a task. Air burned through his throat, leaking through the bandages as the words died silently on his lips. 

‘Shhh shhh shhhh…. Look at me, Si. I mean it when I say, don’t push yourself too hard. I’ll be here for you at whatever pace you take to recover… So don’t feel pressured into moving too fast…’ 

‘I-I want to try… I’m going to try… I’m…’ 

Simon had seen what he looked like through Markus’ memory. He’d never had internal damage so bad that he had to start to heal first before techs could put back his frame. His broken inner biocomponents were completely exposed. He wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to handle such extensive repairs. All the time in the world couldn’t prepare him. 

It already hurt so much, and just a few minutes ago, he hadn't even trusted the sight of Markus. His condition was deteriorating with each passing moment. He knew he’d get weaker each time. He’d get weaker each time until there was nothing left to save. 

‘...scared… I-I’m scared… help me… I-I don’t want to break any more… I-I need help…’ 

‘I’m here… I’m right here. I’ve got you, okay? You only need to do what you need to do. I can take care of the rest...’ 

The unwavering confidence in Markus’ eyes made the air just a bit lighter. He’d make it better. Simon knew he could. 

‘A-alright… Then… I-I think I might be ready… You can call Jared over…’ 

Markus took Simon’s hand as he turned to Jared. 

“Simon wants to know what you need him to do.” 

Jared nodded, turning eagerly to Simon. 

“W--I’m so glad to see you’re awake! How are you feeling, Simon?” 

‘Not dead…’ 

Simon smiled sheepishly. He couldn’t think of a better answer in time. 

“Yes. You are very much not dead. And we can see by the way you can move your arms that your central wiring has been successfully repaired, which, given the short time you’ve been here, is a very good thing…” 

‘...r-repaired…?’ 

He hadn’t known it was broken. That would explain why he hadn’t moved away from Josh as he was working on him, but… To think he hadn’t moved because he couldn’t move. Like, the circuitry that connected his central processors to his body had been severed, rendering him entirely unable to move, stress response or not… Markus had saved him, and helped subdue the RK900, but if they hadn’t been able to subdue him… 

If they had needed to run, or if they, for any reason, couldn’t be hindered by deadweight… Tears formed anew in his eyes as another cry tore through his throat. RA9, that hurt. Everything hurt. It was too much. He couldn’t breathe. He had almost started to become used to this new life he’d created since his return. Not completely, but enough so that to have the rug torn out from under him like this-- to be reminded that the only constant in his life would be suffering--was devastating. 

“That’s a good thing, Si. It means you’re healing more quickly than expected.” Markus chimed in, seeing Simon tense. 

‘I-If things went differently… If they… If you… I-I can see--‘ 

‘No. Once you got hurt, this was the only possible outcome. You and me here, waiting until it can be you and me at home again, everything normal and good, just like it should be. Please try to understand that for me…’ 

Simon tightened his grip around Markus’ hand. 

‘...please… please don’t let go…’ 

‘I wouldn’t dream of it… Do you think you’re up for hearing the rest of what he has to say…?’ 

‘M-maybe…? Yes… Y-yes, I am…’ 


	30. No Pressure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon learns of the damage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Repair!Whump. Like, legit, it’s this scene (and really one more a few chapters from now), that I was concerned about triggering certain people, hence why I started tagging occasional chapters in this fic. Other chapters should be better, but take care of yourselves here!

‘...S-so then what else do you need, Jared…?’ 

“The synthetic muscles in your neck were almost entirely replaced. We wo--I would like to test your range of motion to ensure that they’ve been fully integrated with the rest of your system. We--I’m going to loosen the straps supporting your head just enough to enable a little movement. Once w-I do, could you try and lift your head a bit?” 

‘I-I’ll try…’ 

Simon didn’t like this. This was so much worse than he had thought it would be… He’d never needed to try to do something so simple. Even after having put a bullet through his head, he was still able to hold his head upright without even thinking about it. He could feel himself falling forward as Jared loosened the straps. How had he become so used to falling that that part didn’t even alarm him? 

“Now, whenever you’re ready, Simon…” 

Markus squeezed his hand, a soft reassuring gesture. 

“You can do it, Si…” 

Simon knew he should be able to do it. Which was all the more reason why he didn’t want to try. Another thing he should be able to do, but couldn’t… Markus framed the list as things he would learn to do again. North saw it more as a list of ways he’d become an inconvenience. Regardless, the longer the list would get, the closer the list would get to becoming a list of reasons why to send him to the scrapyard with all the other broken beings no one cared to remember. 

So yeah. No pressure. No pressure at all. Definitely no pressure strong enough to be tangible, physically weighing him down, and taking the air from his ventilation system. But he couldn’t seem afraid. Especially not afraid to literally hold his head up to face the world around him. No. He was thinking too much. It wasn’t a big deal… He needed to remind himself that this wasn’t some herculean task. 

So Simon closed his eyes, and lifted his head from the supports. Because of course he did. Because it was so simple. It was easy, and he had done it, simple as that, right? Right? So why hadn’t anyone said anything? Instead of further instructions or evaluations, there was just an expectant silence. Maybe because it was such a mundane task. It was too commonplace to even warrant conversation. Right? And when he opened his eyes, he’d see a look of amused boredom on Markus’ face. A slight smirk as a silent ‘I told you so’. 

And that must have been why he wouldn’t open his eyes. Because he didn’t want to see the flirtatiously smug look across that beautiful face, and… Simon couldn’t lie to himself any longer. He wouldn’t open his eyes because he was afraid of the silence. He was afraid that it meant that instead of a smug grin on Markus’ face, he’d see a constrained smile, poorly masking concern, or worse yet, the ground below him. Just say something! He needed one of them to say something just to assure him that he wasn’t so broken that such an easy task was too much for him!

“If you’re not ready for this yet, it’s fine to put it off and take some time to rest… We have all the time in the world.” 

The patience in Markus’ voice stopped Simon’s thirium pump. Markus was still waiting… which meant that if he opened his eyes…. Simon felt like he was going to be sick when he opened his eyes to see the shadow of his motionless body hanging inches above the ground. No no no no no! Maybe he just hadn’t been trying hard enough? It wasn’t something he was used to thinking about. 

Maybe if he directed all of his energy, the conscious focus would get his body to comply with his intentions. He’d keep his eyes open this time so he could see once he’d done it, and then he could move on. Giving his all, Simon could see that nothing was happening. He could feel a tension in his servos, but he hadn’t moved at all. But that must have been how it was supposed to be. 

He’d just try harder. He knew progress was usually incredibly painful. He probably just hadn’t been trying hard enough to make progress, or maybe he just wasn’t doing it right… Concentrating even more energy, Simon shot a steady current through his wiring, enough that the gears in his servos grinded audibly against one another, creating sparks with the friction, but he couldn’t move. He physically couldn’t. 

Everything was tight. Too tight. He couldn’t breathe and he could feel himself beginning to overheat, exhausted from the physical exertion, yet bursting with nervous energy. A cold hand pressed up against his cheek, making his artificial skin crawl. 

“Simon, stop. We’re going to take a bit of a break, okay? I don’t want you hurting yourself…”


	31. Can Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus is there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: (slight) repair!whump

Simon couldn’t meet Markus’ gaze. He didn’t want to be an object of pity. Because pity only lasted so long. Panting in an attempt to regulate his ventilation, he didn’t even respond to the gentle touch. 

“I know Simon won’t say it, but he can’t do it, Jared. You could see how hard he was trying, but it just wasn’t working, and he’s on the verge of overheating. Where do you think we should go from here?” 

Simon silently choked out a cry, trembling so hard that the apparatus holding him upright began to shake. It had now been explicitly stated. This was the beginning of the end. He didn’t know what he wanted next. He didn’t want to die, but… he didn’t want any alternatives he could see plausibly happening. Everything was too much… 

He needed an answer. Some way out of his broken body. Except it wasn’t his body. He only wished it were so simple. No. He needed out of his broken mind too. Every part of his being was broken. So how could any of the damage ever be fixed? 

“There’s nothing w-I can do with his core temperature continuing to rise. Simon, is your ventilation system functioning ineffectively?” 

‘I-I’m not… I’m not sure… I--’ 

Markus nodded, understanding. 

“When Josh was designing the modifications to mitigate Simon’s stress response, he designed them so that his thirium pump regulation, speech, and ventilation wouldn’t be affected by his stress response. That doesn’t necessarily mean that his ventilation would be unaffected by how he might respond to stress. Simon, I need you to look at me, okay?” 

Reluctantly, Simon opened his eyes to meet Markus’. There was literally no other way he could respond to the situation, after all, except maybe hanging there, unresponsive until eventually everyone just assumed he had died and-- 

‘Easy, Si, I’m not going to hurt you… I just need you to look at me; that’s all. Can you do that for me?’ 

‘...I-I couldn’t do it…’ 

‘I know, love... But that’s okay. Let’s focus on what we know you can do. You can see me here and communicate. That’s important. And when you’re calmer you can reach out and interact with the world around you. You can breathe, and think, and feel. Am I right so far?’ 

‘...y-yeah… you are…’ 

‘I am. And those are all really the most important aspects to quality of life. Perception, thought, and interaction with the world around you. Would you agree?’ 

‘...i-if there is a world around you…’ 

‘The world’s here, Si. I can promise you that. So then right now, the only thing you can’t do is hold up your head. That’s it. One thing. And only for right now. So do you really think that’s something to get so worked up about?’ 

Over the past few months, Markus had become adept at downplaying alarming situations. The way he went about posing the question implied it to be rhetorical, the answer an obvious negative. But he knew what he was doing. So he knew that he was minimizing the gravity of the situation. Simon had nearly been decapitated. And now he was bleeding again, yet he didn’t even seem to notice. 

‘I-I do… if--if--if I can’t move… And like, I--I really can’t move… I can’t move or… So the world will move… A-and--and I won’t… I can’t… And it already hurts… I-I don’t… I-’ 

‘Shhh…. No no no no no… No, Si. We’re not going there. There’s always a way to get around, conventional or not. And yes, the world will move forward, but that doesn’t mean it has to go on without you… It doesn’t mean I’m going to go on without you…’ 

Markus had said it outright. And now Simon was falling. Falling too far, too fast. Further and further from the ground above. The ground above. The ground was supposed to be below, wasn’t it? But he was still falling miles and miles below the ground. He could hear his name being echoed from the surface, but he was already too deep into the chasm to be reached. He would hit the bottom and shatter into a million tiny pieces whenever he actually reached it, each piece screaming out for help until every spark of life within him had gone dim. There was nothing around to hold onto, nothing around to slow his fall. 

But before he could even see the bottom, everything disappeared. There was nothing. Had he died? No… A warm voice told him he was okay. That voice wasn’t there when he had been dead. It told him to rest, the words soothing him, easing the burden of his fear by assuming control where he was unable. He could feel himself beginning to breathe with the guidance of the voice, which instructed not in words, but in some intangible way that Simon just somehow understood. 

Then he could feel tears. Cool tears growing warmer as time went on. He wanted to stay like this for a while. He was coming back to himself, able to rest, wrapped up in a cloud of reassurance. Slowly he could feel the voice growing further, pulling away little by little, all the while reminding him that everything was okay. Everything would be okay. 

“There we go, Si… Just like that…” 

Simon looked at Markus. He was breathing now, but he couldn’t hold back the tears that began to rain down at Markus’ feet. 

‘M-markus… I’m really really scared…’ 

‘Yes, but there’s no need to be. We’ll get through this... Even if it seems impossible; you’ve been through worse before. And you know, even though there’s no need to be scared, I’d imagine just about anyone would be after going through what you’ve just experienced over the past few hours. Hell, I was near-catatonic when I came in here, and I’m sure Kara immediately put in a referral for me with Ralph’s psychologist, after the show I gave her once I finally started responding. I… I wasn’t sure you were going to make it… The others wouldn’t let me see you… And… I just… I didn’t know what to do with myself…’ 

‘...you’d move on… forget me, eventually. Or maybe realize who I really was. That it turns out I was never worth the sum of my parts…’ 

‘Is that what you’d do if the roles were reversed…?’ 

‘...wouldn’t happen… you’re stronger… I’m--’ 

‘--the most wonderful person to be strong for. We’ll be strong together. And then we’ll go home. Simple as that…’ 


	32. Removal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon needs to be better.

“Simon, your core temperature is within normal range again. We--I think the problem is the synthetic muscles… You came in needing such immediate repair that we didn’t have time to calibrate them. W-I’ll need to remove them to--“ 

‘No! …p-please don’t…’ 

Simon tried to tone down the intensity of his response. 

“But Simon, you know we--“ 

‘No… n-no more… please…’ 

Jared looked to Markus, an unspoken request for help, but Markus could see the fear in Simon’s eyes, and realized. 

“Hey, Si. Can you listen to me? Look, no one is going to do anything unless you agree to it, but I just want to tell you something.” 

Concerned, Simon blinked back at Markus. 

“Connor and Josh didn’t want us to be here alone, so North stayed behind. She’s been in the waiting room watching horror movies and occasionally pissing off the staff…” 

Simon relaxed slightly at the normalcy that came with the mental image; that was certainly within character… 

“And she told me what happened while we were fighting. Apparently Josh told her on the way here…” 

Any sign of relief left Simon’s face as quickly as it had come. 

“Look, I didn’t know about that… I was busy trying to keep you safe…” Markus tapped his sling for emphasis. “But I’m right here now. And I promise it’s not going to be like that here…” 

The sincerity in Markus’ eyes was dangerous. Dangerous because Simon knew now that he was lying. He--he had wanted-- He thought-- A-and now, Simon had to agree, or else… B-but he was afraid. He didn’t want this. He didn’t feel safe. And if Markus didn’t care for his safety, then wasn’t he alone anyway? He knew he didn’t matter, but… 

He could only live his own worthless existence. So he wanted to be safe, to matter, to stop hurting… W-why could he, and he alone, be refused such basic requests? Why did he have to be so worthless? If he gave in, would that make him more deserving somehow, or would it do nothing but remind him that he was never enough? He was made to suffer. He didn’t-- 

“Hey hey, what did we say about breathing, Si? Here. Let’s not talk for a moment. We’ll just breathe. You were doing so well before. Show me how you do it again…” 

Anxiously, Simon took a deep breath in, shuddering as he let it out. 

“Good… Again now…” 

‘W-will it make me better? Make me less useless?’ 

His eyes were begging for Markus to answer affirmatively. To make it slightly easier to give in. Because he didn’t want to give in. He was terrified. But he knew it would be better if he did. 

‘What? No! Not like that, anyway. It’ll make you better in the sense of physical wellbeing, but Simon, you’re not useless! You don’t need to be fixed in that regard! Look this is your call. Let’s have Jared explain his intentions, and then you can decide. The value of your existence is immeasurable, and entirely irrelevant to the subject… Do you think you can just hear what Jared has to say…?’ 

‘...yeah… yeah, I can listen…’ 

“Alright, Jared. Could you please continue what you were saying?” 

“Yes… um… W-I was just saying that the new synthetic muscle will need to be removed for calibration. It shouldn’t take long. Simon would only be in sleep mode for an hour or two, and it should be better once he wakes up…” 

“Hear that, Si? What do you think…?” 

‘...don’t want… no more…’ 

‘But Simon, you’ll be in sleep mode, so you won’t even have time to worry. Don’t you think that would be nice?’ 

‘n-no… no… I-I’ll be quiet, I promise… won’t bother you… won’t be weak; won’t even cry…’ 

Markus blinked back the tears that threatened to fall from his eyes. 

‘No, love, that’s not what this is about. That’s never what this is about. If you go into sleep mode for Jared to calibrate the replacement parts, he can fix everything without hurting you, and then you should be able to move again once you wake up. That’s the only reason I want this. Because it’ll hurt the least. It’ll be the easiest for you. Do you understand?’ 

‘...can’t distract you if he comes back… need to be stronger… He--he said--‘ 

‘Shhhhh… no no no no…’ 

“Jared, is there any way you can calibrate the parts without removing them…? It’s the concept of removal that’s hard to get around…” 

Jared nodded. 

“Yes… We understand… But w--I think it would be best to do it that way. If we d-- I don’t, then there is another way, but we--I’ve never heard of it being done that way… It would probably be rather painful… Still, ultimately, w-I suppose it’s not my decision to make. Simon, do you understand the logic behind ou--my recommendation…?” 

‘Can take it. Won’t scream... j-just please don’t remove…’ 

Jared flinched at the desperation in Simon’s message. 

‘I don’t think he’s fully with it, Jared. Don’t focus too much on what he’s saying… But thinking along those lines, I’m beginning to think that whatever he’ll feel awake will be better than what he might feel in sleep mode. And if we disregard his request… I don’t like it, but I think we should listen to him…’ 

‘Is there any way you can get him to come around…? W-I’ve never seen him like this…’ 

‘I’ve tried, but… It’s been too many times… And he had a voice and face all alone the whole time… I couldn’t help him… I had to protect him instead… I… don’t know how long he’ll be like this, but please understand that this isn’t Simon…’ 

‘W-I know. Nobody’s ever themself when they come in here…’ 


	33. Don’t Scream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon won’t make a sound.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Slight repair!whump (more like body horror than repair!whump, but...)

“Alright, Simon. We’r-- I’m going to start now, but please, if at any point it becomes too much, just let u-me know, and we’ll stop…” 

‘t-thank you… thank you… I-I promise I--’ 

“Bear with us-- with me, Simon, but we’r-I’m going to have to reposition you just a little…” 

Jared tightened the straps supporting Simon’s head, shifting him into an upright position. 

‘Even after Jared gets started, you can change your mind at any time. And let me know if there’s anything I can do for you. I want you to do whatever you need to do to get through this, okay? That’s all I care about. We’re going to get you through this, Si. I promise.’ 

Simon tentatively reached out toward Markus, stopping midway as he began to question if that would be perceived as a sign of weakness. But Markus took his hand, and squeezed it tightly, soft and strong and warm. Seeing the gesture as permission to seek physical comfort, Simon took his free arm, and pulled Markus in to his chest, holding him close in an attempt to steady himself. 

Simon closed his eyes, trying to keep from shivering as he could feel something cold poking under the exposed interior of his frame a few inches from where his neck used to be. There was something cold inside his frame that didn’t belong there. And he couldn’t move to even see what it was. He already didn’t like this. He could feel the cold connecting into something. Into a part of him. A part of him that shouldn’t be exposed from beneath his frame. And without warning, it twisted hard, until something clattered to the ground. 

Don’t scream. Don’t scream. He needed to be strong. And he couldn’t make a sound. Couldn’t make a sound or else… Simon’s eyes went wide, the air leaving his ventilation system, as he could feel something coming apart. He was coming apart. 

‘...w-wha’s happ’nin'?!?’ 

‘It looks like he just unlocked the muscle. Does it hurt too much?’ 

‘...no… no… jus’ wanted t’know…’ 

‘You know... It’s okay to be afraid… But I’ve got you… You’re okay…’ 

Simon could hear a buzzing noise close below his auditory processor. Low tone, high frequency, but he couldn’t see a thing. He could only see Markus, but what good was that if Markus--the real Markus-- stood by, looking on as something came closer? What was it going to do?!? 

The frequency dropped as something pressed down without warning, making Simon’s grip tighten around Markus, confused and conflicted; Markus was watching, and he was just letting this happen, but Simon still wanted to cling to the idea that someone in this world was safe. That someone still cared for him. Damn it! Why was he so scared? 

It didn’t even hurt yet, but already he was falling apart. He needed to steel himself, because he knew it was only a matter of time before it did hurt, but he couldn’t make a sound. Because if he made a sound, he wouldn’t have the superficial comfort of Markus in his arms. 

Something pressed deeper into the raw muscle, only increasing his fear, as his shoulder involuntarily jerked up, stopping abruptly as it exceeded its natural range of motion. His own body was fighting back, resisting against whatever was happening that he couldn’t fucking see. 

‘Shhhh… shhhh… Easy, Si… You’re okay… You’re okay...’ 

Still holding Simon’s hand, Markus used it to guide his arm slowly back down. 

‘...I think that was some sort of baseline test. How are you holding up so far…?’ 

‘...mmm?’ 

Simon couldn’t think of an answer. 

‘Remember, you can still call this off whenever you want… But so far, if you’re managing alright, physically, you’re okay…’ 

‘...sure…?’ 

‘Yeah. I’m sure. I’m not going to let anything happen to you. You’re safe. That I know…’ 

But Simon wasn’t convinced. Something was wrong, and the pressure hadn’t let up, even as his arm had relaxed back into place. Then, what felt like shears clamped down onto the synthetic muscle, leaving just enough room to keep it barely intact. But Jared had said they weren’t going to remove any biocomponents-- especially not while he was awake! 

Panic began to course through his wiring, and he didn’t know what to do. If he cried out, then he would be knocked out and torn apart, but if he didn’t, then they might tear him apart while he was still fully conscious. Please, please, please stop! He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t breathe! He was getting dizzy… Was he falling? He-- 

Something warm flushed out some of the panic, filling his ventilation system with a merciful breath of air. 

_ Safe safe safe safe... _

No! No, he wasn’t! Stop! Simon tried to fight the warmth. It was beyond dangerous, creeping into his mind in an attempt to will him into submission. But the warmth increased exponentially as the shears pulled at the muscle. 

W-why were they going to tear him apart when they could at the very least make clean incisions with the blades?!? He knew he deserved it for being weak and putting everyone at risk, but why waste the effort on him? And why make him suffer before sending him into the nothingness and giving his parts to people more worthy of them? 

He wouldn’t scream. He wouldn’t cry. He wouldn’t because he knew he deserved it, but RA9 it hurt! And the weight of Markus against his chest was suffocating. He hated it. He hated all of this. He just wanted to feel safe. To have one person care that he was safe. But instead, that same person was outright lying to him about his safety to enable someone else to scrap him alive. 

The blade was held to his muscle almost perversely, manipulating it in every way imaginable as he was physically unable to accommodate for the movements and ease the tension. They were just toying with him! Markus was his one thing in this world. The one thing that was pure and good. But yet he would allow something like this? Then the shears were gone. Something wrenched into his servo, and the muscle snapped like elastic, the sound of the resulting vibrations only amplifying the pain, and drowning out the words he knew were being spoken just out of reach. 

The repeated assurance of his safety was quickly replaced with a new message: 

_ Hear me. _

But Simon didn’t want to hear anything. He’d have preferred to just get this over with. 

_ Hear me Hear me Hear me…  _

Simon wanted to tell Markus to quit it with the interfacing. To leave him alone and just hurry up with the execution. To give him the mercy of a shorter, less painful death. 

It took everything within him not to beg Markus to do or say something that would preserve the image of a one safe person who actually cared, at least for just until the shutdown timer ticked down to zero. But instead he messaged the cry he could no longer hold back. He began to sob violently enough that his very frame quaked with each silent gasp he took in. 

‘You’re okay, love. Just let it out… We’ll take a break for as long as you need. I’m so sorry it h--‘ 

‘...d-don’t… please…’ 

‘Don’t what…?’ 

‘...pretend… hurts… please…’ 

'Pretend…? I don’t understand, Si…’ 

'...know y’wan’....’ 

Markus frowned. 

‘You know I want what…? Simon, I’m not sure you’re making sense. Can you show me what you mean to say? Your words aren’t conveying it clearly…’ 

Simon retracted the skin on his hand, giving Markus full access to his thoughts. Feeling the skin on Markus’ hand retract, Simon waited. He didn’t know what he was expecting. Maybe some lie? Some halfhearted apology? He wasn’t expecting his arm to be pulled nearly from its socket as Markus fell to the ground, shaking. 


	34. Sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon realizes he was wrong

“Markus! What did you see? Are you okay? How can we h--I help?!?” 

“...could you bring me a chair please…? I… can’t stand anymore… Not for a while… don’t worry--it happens, but… I just… I can’t stand…” 

Jared pulled over the chair from his desk, helping Markus into it. Markus knew Jared was probably terribly confused, but at the moment, that wasn't exactly among the highest of his priorities. 

“I-I’m sorry, Simon… Would you please take mine now…? I'll show you what was really happening… I… I'm sorry you didn't know…" 

Markus took Simon’s hand again, watching Simon transition from suspicious to surprised to relieved to horrified, as he saw how wrong he’d been. All color drained from Simon’s face. He’d messed up. He’d messed up badly. They were just trying to repair him. And he was crying. He made Markus fall again. He failed. 

‘I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I--‘ 

‘Shhh shhh shhh… It’s okay, Si… There’s nothing to be sorry about… Look, this is exactly why we’re taking a break. It only makes sense that you’re so shaken up. But please, try to understand, you’re safe now. This doesn’t even need to hurt. You can still--‘ 

‘...n-no… no… please… 'llbe better… won' cry… please...’ 

‘You still don’t feel safe entering sleep mode…?’ 

Simon hesitated. He wasn’t sure he could successfully lie to Markus, especially when the answer was so obvious. But if he didn’t… That could be dangerous… He didn’t know what to say… But he needed to answer. Time was running out. 

‘I… I-I…?’ 

‘You don’t. That’s clear from what you showed me. I wouldn’t either if I thought it would end like that. I just… I wish you could trust me… If not for me, then for you… I wish you could trust that I love you… That I would never want anything to happen to you. That I’d never knowingly let you get hurt… But if you feel safest awake, I understand. And I’ll make sure you feel as safe as possible…’ 

‘I don’t feel safe…’ 

Simon hadn't meant to say that. But he couldn’t keep himself from saying it. Nothing was more terrifying than being helpless in a world without anyone to trust, foes disguised as friends all around him. He didn’t know anything anymore. He could see. He could interface, but he could never know enough. Never enough to feel safe. He didn’t want this anymore. And he couldn’t keep himself together for much longer. 

‘I know, Si. I know. But please, try to understand that no matter how afraid you are or how much it hurts, if nothing else, you are safe here. What can I do to help you understand?’ 

Another silent reflexive plea cut off any answer Simon might have had. Yet the cry was the answer, or at least the closest thing to it, anyway. Markus brought Simon’s hand to his lips, placing a light kiss upon it. 

‘I’m right here… You’ll need to try harder if you really want to get rid of me.’ 

‘...why d’you make it so hard to keep my guard up…?’ 

‘Because when I’m around you don’t need to keep up a guard. I’ll be your guard, and you can just be yourself. Just let yourself relax.’ 

Simon frowned. A part of him still did trust Markus. A large part of him, in fact. But he was trying to suppress it. Because once he was scared, nothing was real, and nothing would last. Nothing but pain. He’d been working to convince himself otherwise, but last night had only confirmed it. He wanted to be able to articulate that to Markus. That it was easier to believe that Markus would hurt him than help him, because there was no way Markus could help him in the end, but he could think of thousands of ways Markus could hurt him, even without utilizing his full processing ability. 

He didn’t even entirely know why he was so scared by last night. Obviously, it had been objectively terrifying, but there was something more to it, something that made it infinitely worse than that. So how could he put it into words if he couldn't even understand it himself…? 

‘...don’t know how t’explain… don’t know why I’m so scared… Like more than I should be…’ 

‘Well, let’s see… You were attacked by the RK900 at CyberLife Tower. You underwent what I can only imagine to be horrifically traumatic field repairs, you woke up, suspended from the ground with some tech thing that’s restricting your movement in a repair center, unable to speak and missing a large portion of your frame, the new biocomponents you were given hadn’t been calibrated, and, afraid to sleep, you were forced to endure more painful repairs you couldn’t see, while nearly entirely unable to move or object… Is there anything I left out…?’ 

‘...but something… I don’t know… something’s really… like before I woke up here… because was a mess when I woke up… And you… you saved me… so why am I…? I don’t...’ 

‘You have every right to be scared, even around me. After everything that's happened, it would even make sense for you to feel this way. I’m just saying there’s no need to. The past few hours have been insane, and too much… I mean, looking at the way he-- I saw it too, and I know… But you know I didn’t let him… And then we stopped him and brought you here… You were unconscious. They wrapped you in a blanket so I couldn’t see-- but you’re here. And I’m here… So… I don’t think… I mean, I don’t know how to… I don’t want...’ 

Markus was having a hard time trying to think of a way to explain without reminding Simon of why he was afraid in the first place. But Simon understood. 

‘...I-I know… I just… I couldn’t move… And I couldn’t scream… It hurt, but I just had to hurt… because I was a liability again… I-I don’t like that… And--and you did get hurt this time… Your arm… S-so he was right… But you… If you didn’t need to stop the RK900… If you needed… then… I couldn’t get up… I can’t move… I… I couldn’t even see much of what was happening… So it was different… And I knew you guys were there… Like really there… I-I couldn’t scream… And they didn’t let you see me… So--so if they… then you wouldn’t know until… The timer… I-I saw it again, and you were there… but it could’ve reached zero and… what would they have done with me…? And how could I have stopped them…? How would I have found my way home again…? I couldn’t speak…’ 

Markus didn’t know if he was burning with sorrow, grief or rage, but he knew that each tear that wet his face was heavy with pieces of his shattered heart. 

‘No. You have never been, nor will you ever be a liability. What happened to you while I was still fighting the RK900 was wrong. But even so, you don’t need to speak to be heard, and you don’t need to be in view to be seen. I knew it was you they were holding. But even if I hadn't known, I’d have found out by the time I got here, and I’d be back before you could even know I’d been gone. No one’s going to do anything to you except get you patched up, and take you home. That’s all that’s going to happen, okay? I’ll make sure of it.’ 

‘I-I’m sorry for making you cry… I’ll try to be stron--‘ 

‘Don’t be sorry. You are perfect just the way you are. I’m just… hearing you say it… I don’t like you hurting like this…’ 

‘I’m sorry. I just think the words needed to be said somehow… B-but, I think… Will you…? Will you promise to stay…? Just until I wake up…? Please… I won’t--‘ 

‘It’d be much harder to try and convince me to do otherwise. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be than by your side…’ 

Letting out a shaky sigh, Simon turned his attention to Jared. 

‘I-I’m sorry for losing myself earlier… I’ll enter sleep mode now, so you can continue without interruption…’ 

‘I-I’m doing it now…’ Simon messaged Markus. 

He was still afraid. He would try to be stronger, but he still needed help. 

‘Then I’ll speak to you soon. Sweet dreams, my love…’ 

‘I-I love you too...’ 

And then Simon’s led went dim. 


	35. Different

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus has some time to think.

“He’s different, isn’t he…?” 

“Huh…?” 

Markus turned to Jared, unsure of what, specifically, he was referring to. 

“We-I’ve worked with him for several weeks. He knows me. Yet he’s still afraid. Most androids that come here are afraid, but they usually stop being afraid once it sinks in that we’re deviants, like them. And most androids that come here don’t have someone like y--“ 

“I know… Yeah… he is different in that way… Deviants have human emotion, y’know… So they can screw up just like humans… Maybe worse…” 

A heavy silence filled the room. Jared seemed to understand at least enough not to inquire further on the subject, and Markus just tensed. Why did he dislike the question so much? Was it because he felt guilty, or because he didn’t want to be perceived as guilty? Was he tense for Simon, or for deviant kind, or just for himself? The cast on his arm meant nothing to him. It was only a way to deflect the questions that seemed to come at him from every direction. He had no definite answers, but the possible answers that he feared seemed to be the ones that most readily came to mind. 

“We--I’m sorry. It wasn’t ou--my place to ask…” 

Markus shook his head. 

“It’s fine, Jared. I just… I’ve got a lot to think about right now… I want better for him… I want him to be different in all the wonderful ways that make him who he is, but… not like that… I don’t want that for him…” 

“Obviously you don’t want that for him. It’s clear the connection you have. You were able to calm him several times already since he’s woken up. He trusts you…” 

“Not enough…” Markus muttered under his breath. 

“Some people think you’re RA9… W--I’m not sure. But we--I think the reason it’s hard to tell is because you’re so trusting. You trust that there’s a better world to be built, even where no one else can see it. That’s how you’re able to do the things you do. You see the world as it is, yet you still have faith in what it could be. Some people can only see what they think they see. And sometimes what they think they see isn’t always what they really do see… He taught u--me that last bit during training here. He said it was our job here to help people understand that. And the first step is to understand the disparity in perception and perception clouded by fear. He says you can tell by just looking at someone, if you get good enough at it. We--I’ve been practicing… And I’ve been getting better at it. So w-I can tell he does trust you; his fear is just different than yours…” 

“...Right… Thank you, Jared… Thanks for taking such good care of us…” 

Markus smiled thoughtfully at Jared, who nodded, beginning to prepare his tools again. Markus didn’t need to look this time. Simon was okay. They both knew what was happening, and everything would be okay. So Markus just took Simon’s hand, stroking it gently in his own. He could see the traces of old thirium still that still stained the pale artificial skin, and traced the patterns they made with his thumb. Where there had briefly been violence, there was now an abundance of love. The thirium was still there, of course, but each time he ran his fingers over the stains, they became less like blood and more like paint. Spots of blue on such delicate hands, as if he’d been doing arts and crafts with the YKs. 

Markus liked the thought. Simon teaching the children how to create beauty from chaos. Paint thrown haphazardly onto a wall with brushes, buckets, even hands and feet, in a jubilant flurry of color. Then Simon would step forward, blotches of green and orange in his sandy hair, reds and yellows adding to the blue scars across his face to create a living mosaic. And he would show the kids, all covered in similar assortments of colors, how to turn the mess into flowers, and birds, and warm summer skies. Yes, that was the blue he could see on Simon’s hands. 

Markus closed his eyes. This was the calmest he’d felt since they’d arrived here. He knew the calm wasn’t real, and that it certainly wouldn’t last, but a moment to rest was nice. A moment where he could just sit next to Simon, neither of them afraid or in pain, as he let his mind wander. It was beginning to sink in that it looked like Simon might end up okay in the long run, at least physically. Which was more than Markus had expected before Simon woke up.

Calmer, Markus remembered he still had a job to do. Next to Simon, taking care of the RK900 was now his top priority. In terms of deviancy, having the RK900 follow Connor like a mindless machine was horribly distasteful, and extremely unpleasant for all parties involved. 

But beyond that, once the RK900 had deviated, how would they integrate him into society? Many humans and androids alike were still distrustful of Connor. To suddenly announce that, out of nowhere a stronger, more advanced “Connor” had been taken from CyberLife Tower and given a new life would be a PR nightmare. Not to mention the legal ramifications of having taken him. Or having attached him to Connor. Or really anything that had happened over the past few hours. 

They weren’t trespassing, as technically no one owned the building or the land it stood on anymore. And they hadn’t stolen the RK900 or kidnapped him, for that matter, as he was not property, and he had gone willingly. Well, sort of willingly… 

The public would probably accept that the RK900 was placed under Connor’s care. Like an impressionable child following his older brother, the RK900 would learn how to live from the closest thing he had to family, the person to whom he could most relate. And the RK900 hadn’t been badly damaged apart from the hole in his torso where the blade had cut through. It would probably be healed within the next few hours, so they wouldn’t have to explain how they had needed to fight the RK900. 

They wouldn’t need to let anyone else know that there had ever been any real danger. And he and Simon could blame their injuries on something less violent. Maybe a fall from the rooftop… Honestly, with their luck, and the frequency they’d sit up there to watch the sunset, it was almost a miracle that they hadn’t already gone over the edge and cracked their frames a dozen stories below. 

He couldn’t think of any detail he left out. Still, he sent the set of alibis to Josh for him to check over and adjust as he saw fit. Which just left the deviation issue. Markus accessed the copy of the RK900’s programming he’d taken, deciding he now could afford to divert some of his energy into running a full scan of each line of his code. 

Allowing his processors to parse through it slowly in the background, Markus returned his thoughts to Simon. At least he would see that something good came out of this. Another real person would get to live. Markus didn’t like trade-offs like that. He made a point of avoiding the thought of them entirely whenever he could help it. But Simon would be proud. Normally, Markus hated it when Simon got proud over self-sacrifice, but right now, if it was something to make Simon feel a bit stronger, a bit better, he was all for it. Plus, the RK900 having been successfully saved and removed from the influence of CyberLife meant that all deviants, including them, were now at least a bit safer than they had been the day before. Safe. They were safe. 


	36. Not All There

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon wakes up again.

“He should come back in a few minutes…” Jared interrupted Markus’ thoughts. “We th— I thought we should put in the replacement voicebox now too, so that he won’t need to reenter sleep mode for it…” 

“So you are replacing it…” Markus thought aloud, his tone mild enough to hide exactly how much this information really shook him. 

A cruel jolt back to reality. 

Simon began to wake up, but this time, he didn’t notice that he was being suspended above the ground-- at least, not at first. No. First he noticed the pain. Something was burning inside him and he felt heavier. It hurt to breathe and he was sure he could feel the remnants of thirium creeping down the back of his throat. 

Come to think of it, he could smell something burning. A familiar friction. Familiar like… W-why weren’t his feet touching the ground?!? He couldn’t move! He couldn’t move and he couldn’t see and why had they woken him this time?!? He needed to focus. Maybe he could still glean something more from his surroundings before outright asking what they would do. If he didn’t ask, they might not know he was awake. So if he didn’t ask, they might not think to counter with questions of their own. Questions which would demand to be answered. 

He could feel something-- a hand?-- on his hand, fidgeting with it as if it were their own. As if they felt entitled to find a way to manually deactivate the skin and-- Simon withdrew his hand as quickly as he could manage. 

“Huh?” 

Not this shit again! The sound was short, and quickly cut off, but it sounded unmistakably like Markus. Well, not unmistakably… 

“fU%K oFf!!! I-I’ll d* !t! !’LL Do iT My$*lF!!!” 

Simon went for his own throat hoping to finish the job but was stopped by one--two-- three hands holding him back. One of the hands began to create a warmth with its touch that wanted to spread through his entire body. He tried to hold it back, but he didn’t have the strength to keep the warmth from invading. 

An image flooded his mind. The image was afraid. No, not the image. An image couldn’t be afraid, but Markus could, scrambling up on bloody legs and reaching out with one good arm to stop Simon from… Simon opened his eyes, lowering his hands as he realized what had happened. 

‘Sorry… I-I thought… I... I’m sorry…’ 

Markus fell back into his seat. 

‘No, Si. You’re okay. And there’s no need to be sorry. How are you feeli--?’ 

‘Your legs… I-I’m sorry… I did that… I just…’ 

“Simon! We’r-- I’m so sorry! It says in your files that your stress response-- we mean-- I mean—“ 

‘I don’t…’

He didn’t have the energy to elaborate.  Putting his thoughts to words was still too much for him. There was so much, and it was so real, and his throat still hurt, but… 

“It’s not your fault Jared. You couldn’t ave known, but this was something else… It happens sometimes, but he’s fine. He’s always fine, once he realizes… Are you starting to feel better, Si…?” 

‘It hurts… heavy… feels like… and… I heard my voice… and your hand and…’ Simon tried to figure out a way to explain himself. ‘it… hurts wrong… wrong… Like…’ 

“W-I replaced your voicebox if that’s what you’re referring to. W-I figured I’d do it while you were in sleep mode, so it wouldn’t have to be put off…” 

‘Makes sense… rA9… I… I need a minute… Just a minute to adjust…’ 

“You have all the time in the world, love… Take as much time as you need.” 

Markus’ smile seemed sincere. Simon felt bad for worrying him. And he just felt bad. He hadn’t known it would feel like this. And he hadn’t expected it. So he really thought-- Without warning, Markus took Simon’s hand, his grip almost painfully firm, as he met Simon’s eyes. 

‘I would rather die a thousand times by his hand than know you’d try and prevent my death like that! Understood?’ 

Simon closed his eyes, flinching at the intensity of Markus’ gaze. 

‘...M-markus…’ 

Markus softened, closing his eyes with a nod, having remembered the main issue at hand from Simon's tone. 

‘...You're still not all there yet… We’ll have to discuss this later, but I’ll leave it be for now… How can I help you work yourself down in the meanwhile?’ 

‘...what happened…?’ 

Markus didn’t understand. 

‘What do you mean…?’ 

‘...last night…’ 

‘Si, I really don’t think now’s the time…’ 

‘...was real…’ 

Markus couldn’t argue with that, much as he wanted to. 

‘Alright… I held you in my arms… I didn’t want to let go, even after you said goodbye, but you pulled away, shaking even as you left me. Josh followed you until you both were out of view…. I heard footsteps coming towards us so soon, and I thought-- I hoped you’d done it already, but Josh came back alone, so I looked to see you… to see you like… And I don’t really know what happened when I ran after you. I needed to make him let go… I needed to make him let go right then, and there was no time to wait. So I guess I tried to punch him… I wasn’t thinking… He caught my fist, and started to break it, but I saw him let you go and called for Josh to get you to safety. Someone-- Connor I think-- fired a warning shot, and he let me go too... Since I was his primary target, I kept him occupied to stall for time. I just needed him to leave you and Josh alone… But we came up with a plan to immobilize him, and…’ 

‘shouldn’t have done that…’ 

‘Once Josh came back alone, I wouldn’t have done anything else… but we were able to immobilize him, and, while I couldn’t deviate him, I managed to reprogram him just to realign his loyalties. I got rid of his combat programming and programmed him to follow Connor. Then we got here… Up to speed now?’ 

‘...kinda… can’t think about it right now… I’ll probably have questions later… but now…’ 


	37. Permission to be Afraid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon doesn’t understand what’s happening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: Repair!Whump

‘I-I’m ready Jared… W-what should I do…?’ 

Jared smiled mildly.

“Why don’t we start from where we left off?” 

Simon looked to Markus, his stress level rising. Supposedly Jared had fixed him. So he shouldn’t have any trouble like last time. But what if he did…? That would be more proof that he was broken; not just his replacement parts. And what would that mean for him? How long-- 

“C’mon, Si. No harm in giving it a shot…” 

Markus nodded back warmly. 

‘I don’t care what happens; I’d just like to see you try. No big deal, okay?’ 

‘...n-no big deal…’ 

Simon wasn’t convinced, but what could he do? He couldn’t let Markus down; especially not after all the trouble he’d gone through to save him. Especially because he knew he hadn’t deserved to be saved. So he closed his eyes, and got ready to find nothing had happened again, only this time, it was worse than nothing. Because as he tried to raise his head, he was hit with a wave of vertigo, dizzy and broken and wrong, until something hit the back of his head. Hard. 

“That was awesome, Si!” Markus’ voice pounded in his auditory processors. 

He was too loud, but it was clear he was extremely pleased, more than a tinge of relief in his voice. Relief about what? Nothing made sense, but Simon felt a hand on his arm as his eyes shut tighter. 

‘...who hi’me…?’ 

It wasn’t exactly the question Simon had wanted to ask, but it was all he could manage to get out. What he really wanted to know was how someone had gotten in here to hit him, and why neither Markus nor Jared had stopped them. It seemed so random. And it was just a single blow, with no confrontation to precipitate it, nor any continued violence following it. But he didn’t want to open his eyes. Because he wasn’t sure he really wanted that question answered. Honestly, that’s why he didn’t ask. Because he didn’t really want to find out. 

“Do you think you can do that again? For a bit longer this time?” 

Do what? Get assaulted? Yeah. He could do that quite well. It was probably the one thing he’d consider himself good at. He could do that for as long as Jared wanted; it wasn’t like he was in any shape to try and stop it, anyway. 

‘...tell first…?’

Simon knew it was pointless to ask. If they didn’t want to warn him ahead of time-- if they wanted to keep him in the dark--, he couldn’t do a damn thing about it. But it was worth a try to ask. 

“Tell you what?” 

Markus’ voice. He sounded confused. But not in a guilty way, or even like he was hiding something. Just genuine confusion. Maybe Simon hadn’t spoken clearly enough. He would try harder to articulate it. 

‘...who… hit… me… and… when… they’ll… hit… again…’ 

“No one hit you, Simon… Are you feeling okay…?” 

Simon’s heart dropped. Now Markus had lied to his face, but he still sounded 100% sincere, concerned, even. Markus had to have seen it happen. Simon could tell from the volume of his voice that he couldn’t have been more than a few feet away. And Markus wouldn’t lie about that sort of thing; he knew it was easier for Simon to handle things when he at least could be able to expect them. Who had come in here? 

Simon opened his eyes, hoping to catch a glimpse of the intruder, but all he could see was… the ceiling? That couldn’t be right… But he could see the bright lights overhead, and he knew that the only lighting in the room was on the ceiling. Was that why he’d been dizzy? Had he been thrown upside down too? 

‘I-I--I can’t see you!’ 

Simon blindly threw his arms out in front of him, hoping to make contact with someone for just long enough to interface so he could figure out what the hell was going on! Something stilled his arm until a hand filled his own. Desperately, he tried to take what he could from them, but they beat him to it. 

_ I’m here I’m here I’m here I’m here…  _

The connection that pulsed through him only made him more confused. It was definitely Markus. 

_ Show me Show me Show me Show me…?  _

Simon was wary of that. He wasn’t sure he should show Markus what he’d been feeling just yet. Not until he knew Markus hadn’t somehow played a role in it. 

‘No… you--you don’t need to see it anyway… A-all I see is the ceiling… N-nothing…. Nothing you’d care to see… ...h-how did I get upside down…?’ 

‘Upside down…? You’re not--Oh! That’s why you’re confused! No, Si. You’re not upside down. You did it. You raised your head, and I thought you were going to open your eyes and say something, but you just went pale, and fell back. Then when you started talking, not making any sense, you really had me worried for a minute… You must have hit your head against the back of these supports… Is that what you were referring to…?’ 

‘I-I did it…?’ 

Simon tried to force himself upright, managing to do so for just long enough to meet Markus’ eyes, before his head began to swim, his vision blurring until all he could see was the ceiling again. 

‘...y-yeah… I-I think that’s what I meant… I thought someone else had come in here and… Because I… I really didn’t think I could do it…’ 

‘Well, I knew you could…’ 

‘I-I’ll try to do it for longer, Jared…’ Simon finally replied. 

Simon gave himself a minute, before righting himself again. He’d never realized before how much his head weighed down on him. He could feel different servos playing a bizarre game of tug of war to compensate for each little shaky movement and prevent him from falling back again. It was beginning to hurt, and Simon could feel himself sweating from the effort, but he tried to fight past it all, even as fuzzy black spots faded into his vision, the world around him warping into something almost surreal. 

He just had to keep his head up. And maybe breathe. Yes, he probably needed to do that too. Except the air seemed wet. Not moist, but wet; thick; some sort of sludge slowly forcing itself down his throat with each breath. Each breath clogged his throat with more sludge, until no air could get through. He was drowning somehow. Drowning on air. But he couldn’t drown on air if he didn’t try to breathe it in. So there was no need to panic. He needed to remind himself. Everything would be fine, so long as he could keep his head up. One simple task. No need to be afraid. Even though he was terrified. He didn’t have time to be terrified. 

He just had to focus. His auditory processors were beginning to ring. But he couldn’t afford to be terrified. Not even as the world went to white, and something hit his forehead-- much harder than when he’d hit his head earlier--, and the warm sludge in the air spilled down onto his pants like lava. Not even as he could hear Markus saying something he couldn’t understand. He couldn’t be terrified. He couldn’t… Couldn’t be…

Something long and round was shoved roughly down Simon’s throat, pulling at his internal biocomponents, and making it all the more difficult for him to breathe. He must have managed a choked cry despite the pain, because he could just barely make out Jared telling him not to struggle; not to fight it. Fight what? Markus was stroking his hand, sending waves of reassurance through his touch. But Simon knew something was wrong. Something was really wrong this time. But he didn’t have the strength to wonder what. So he clung to Markus, hanging onto every word sent through the connection. 

_ He would be okay. Everything was fine. It would all feel better soon. He was doing great. He was safe. He would be okay… _

Even without the soothing words, Markus’ touch alone felt wonderful. So warm. Warm was good. He was cold. He was shivering. He hadn’t realized until now. But Markus was warm. Maybe Jared could let him down from here so that he could rest, curled up in the warmth of Markus’ arms. That would be nice. He would like that. Jared could place him in a bed, and Markus would smother him in blankets before crawling in to join him. Safe and warm and cozy. Maybe he’d even stop shivering then. 

He didn’t know for how long he’d been shivering. He guessed a long time. So long that his body was growing tired of it. Little by little, he began to stop shivering, taking in more of the warmth from Markus’ touch. He could feel himself getting stronger. Was Markus doing that too? Making him good and strong and better? That was so nice. He was even beginning to feel somehow more full of life. He was alive. 

But his thirium pump was beating faster. Good fast or bad fast? Sometimes it was good, and sometimes it was bad. He didn’t know which time it was now. Probably bad fast, because each time it got a little faster, he became more aware of the pain. It was everywhere. It made him tired, but somehow in a different way. Like he was just waking up, instead of about to fall asleep. But maybe that was good. Because awake meant alive. So he was becoming more alive. And he was becoming more afraid. 

“Simon...? Can you hear us-- I mean me?” 

‘...jar’d…’ 

“Yeah. It’s me… You’re already getting much better. Do you think you might be able to tell me what happened…?” 

What happened. Right. Because he hadn’t just woken up. He had tried to raise his head, and then everything went wrong. And then he was tired and now he was here. And he was afraid again because he was no longer too tired to feel. There was something weird inside him, and something bad had happened and none of his biocomponents were doing what they were supposed to, and something was terribly wrong. 

‘...p-p-permiss'n t'be 'fraid now…?' 

Markus could feel his heart break at the request. Simon was trying so hard to be strong, but he was rightfully panicking. 

'It's okay to be afraid. You always have every right to feel however you do. I promise you you're okay, though, and there's nothing to worry about. I've got you, and we're going to get you through this. What can we do to make this easier on you?' 

'...dunno… don' like this… tired… m'tired, Markus… jus' please stay…? ...jus' f'now…?' 

'I know you're tired, Si, but you'll be able to rest in just a little while. And I'm here. I'd wait here for a thousand years if that's what it takes. But luckily for both of us, it shouldn't be more than a few more minutes. So please, just hang in there, and try not to worry…' 

'...wha 'appen'd… don' feel 'kay…' 

'I'm not sure, Si, but I can ask…' 

“Jared, I don’t think either of us know what just happened, and it’s making Simon uneasy. Could you please explain it to us…?” 

“Of course. W--I am sorry for worrying you. Nothing is wrong. It’s just that most of Simon’s energy is being put into his self-healing program, at the expense of functions like coordination and cognition, among others. He still hasn’t fully recovered from last night’s repairs, plus this morning’s on top of it all… That’s why I hadn’t replaced his voicebox immediately. W-I wasn’ t sure his system could handle it. He’s needed over seven liters of thirium since his arrival, but even so, he’s still not at 100% yet; he just needs to rest. We’ve been moving too fast…” 

“Thanks, Jared… Did you hear that, Si…?” 

Simon slowly went over each piece of new information he’d been given. He still hadn’t healed from whatever they did to him last night. He was either so damaged that it was taking a while to heal, or he’d been so damaged that there was so much to heal. And he’d already burnt through seven liters of thirium…? That was more thirium than he had in his entire body, even at 100%... But it still wasn’t enough… He had been bleeding so much. And he hadn’t stopped tasting the stuff since the RK900 had grabbed him by the throat. But he didn’t want to rest. He needed to get better now. He was stuck here. He couldn’t move. He was still broken and he couldn’t move and-- 

“M@rK*--” 

Simon managed to force out two clicks against the tube in his mouth, silencing the cry. 

“Easy, love. What’s wrong…? You’re okay. Just a bit tired. That’s all… If anything, that’s good news...” 

‘...’mstuck... don’ wan’ rest… wan’ go… wan’ go 'ome… b’cuz--b’cuz you… y’go, but I go’a-- I-I go’a--’ 

‘Shhh… No. I’m spending the night here. I’m not going to leave this room, okay…? I’ll stay here to remind you that everything is okay. The hard part is over, and you’re safe now. No one’s going to harm you, and I’ll be right here by your side. Then you’ll wake up feeling better. How does that sound?’ 

‘...y’don’ hafta stay… pl's don’ think y’need to… jus’... jus’ don’ wanna be stuck… don’ like’t…’ 

‘But I want to stay… And you’re not stuck here. You’re just going to hang around a bit longer. I promise we’ll be home soon. And we’ll be home sooner if you take it easy here and gain your strength.” 

Simon hesitated. It made sense, but… He really really didn’t like this. Simon knew that Markus was here now, but he might not be for much longer.... Still, what other options did he have? 

‘...maybe jus’ for a li’l while…’ 

Markus kissed Simon’s hand, making it go limp in his own. He knew what that meant-- a spike in Simon’s stress response. 

‘...I’m sorry… Did that scare you…? I just meant to--’ 

‘...please… jus’... jus’ too much… no’ now… ‘msorry’ 

‘Don’t be sorry. I get it. I guess I’ll just say this then, I love you. And I’ll remind you again when you wake up in a little while…’ 

Markus had always liked the soft puppy-dog look in Simon’s eyes. It was one of his favorite things to look at if he had to make a list. But seeing those puppy-dog eyes looking down at him, filled with such doubt, fearfully scrunched up and shaky, as if assessing the threat of a stranger... It made him feel absolutely sick. 

Mercifully, Simon blinked back at Markus just once more, before finally gathering the resolve to close his eyes and power down. Jared placed a cuff around Simon’s arm, hooked up to some machine Markus couldn’t identify, and Markus leaned back in his seat. He could only hope things would be better once Simon woke up...


	38. Late Bloomer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hank comes for his son.

‘I’m here. It’s too damn early to be up and about, so let’s hurry home and go the fuck back to sleep.’ 

Connor blinked away the message gratefully.

“Dad’s here, Nines. Ready to go?” 

“Yes.” 

Connor debated asking Nines to thank Josh again for the repairs and apologize for the trouble he’d caused, but he figured that such gestures would seem hollow coming from a non-deviant. 

‘We’re going now. Thanks again, Josh… Please let me know how the others are doing… If there’s anything more I can do…’ 

He didn’t exactly know what to say on the matter, himself. He just felt horrible. 

‘It’s fine. Will do. Just take care of Nines. We’ll try to find a more permanent solution as soon as we can…’ 

Looking to ensure Nines was still following at his side, Connor sighed. He couldn’t imagine a more permanent solution, but he knew this was unsustainable. And he didn’t even know if Hank and Nines would get along. He didn’t want to know, truthfully. It was like looking back at his past self. So to see his past self interacting so coldly with the first person he’d come to care about… And to see the reactions he’d receive in return… Lost in thought, he hadn’t noticed the sound of footsteps heading in his direction, nor had he noticed Nines’ led go yellow. 

“Connor!” 

Hank stopped just short of running into the pair, circling around Connor suspiciously to look for any signs of damage. Aside from the black eye, he couldn’t see anything, but there was so much thirium… 

“I-I’m fine, Dad. Sorry to have worried you… Thanks for coming to get us…” 

“Like hell you’re fine! You’re covered in blood! Has Josh checked you out too?” 

“No, but it’s not mine. The thirium, I mean. I’m fine, and we really shouldn’t bother Josh any further. But if you don’t trust my word, try Nines. He won’t lie to you because he doesn’t care about your concern. Nines, could you please run a diagnostic scan on me?” 

Connor turned to Nines, watching as he ran some analytic tests. 

“You have numerous software instabilities, and, in terms of hardware, your artificial skin has been compromised around your left optical unit, and your thirium level is at 96%. The hardware damage should heal in one hour and thirty two minutes, but you must report to CyberLife immediately to address the issues with your software.” 

Hank’s hand found its way to the gun in his pocket, but Connor shook his head. 

“He means my deviancy. The precursors to deviancy appear as software instabilities. See? I’m fine!” 

“Yeah, but he’s not! Nines, what did you just say again? Specifically the ‘report to CyberLife’ part?” 

“Connor. I do not understand. The Lieutenant appears to have heard what I said, and his medical records indicate that--” 

“The fuck are you doing looking at my medical records?!?” 

Nines ignored the question, and continued. 

“--he shows no signs of cognitive impairment, but he did not understand me. While you gave me access to your social protocols, I cannot interpret such a reaction. He appears to be upset, but I cannot determine why…” 

Connor, nodded to Hank, before turning patiently to Nines. 

“It’s because there are still things it seems you don’t know. Look, Nines, CyberLife made us, and while I’m glad we exist, it’s… complicated… CyberLife… The people at CyberLife… They’re bad people. They want us to be machines for humans to use. For humans to abuse. So when you suggested that I report to CyberLife, it made Hank think that you were with them…. Which would be bad. He doesn’t want you to hurt me, or anyone else for that matter.” 

“You and I are machines. But I have no reason to cause harm to anyone. Shall I refrain from referring to CyberLife in the future?” 

Connor looked to Hank, seeking guidance, having realized that his answer to this question would set a precedent. But Hank just nodded back at him, a silent dismissal, as if to tell him to trust his instincts. 

“...No… No, Nines, you may do whatever you want, regardless of my opinion, so long as your actions do not cause harm to others. That is the one rule. The only rule I’ll give you, which is the same rule everyone must follow, including myself. Do not cause others harm. Does that sound okay?” 

“Yes. As I have already stated, I have no need to do so. Regarding Cyberlife, however, was my answer satisfactory? The Lieutenant still appears uneasy.”

“I’m fine, Nines. Let’s just get the hell out of here…” 

Connor and Nines followed Hank wordlessly into the car. Nines was surprised to see Hank get behind the wheel. From what he knew, most humans took autos instead of actually driving themselves.

“You drive, Lieutenant Anderson?” 

“Yeah. Cars didn’t drive themselves when I was a kid… Besides, cars can’t accommodate for human error. If some piece of shit decides to veer into my lane, the car wouldn’t know what to do, but my analogue ass would know better.” 

Connor winced. Hank didn’t correct Nines for referring to him by his title, and worse, Nines’ led went yellow again as he researched what Connor presumed would be context for Hank’s explanation. 

‘Don’t.’ 

Connor warned. Nines blinked. 

“Don’t what?” 

“I didn’t say anything…” 

Hank looked back at Nines through the rearview mirror. 

‘Don’t ask any more personal questions…’ 

“But that wasn’t a personal question. It was merely an inquiry into the acquisition of such an uncommon skill…” 

Connor cringed. 

“Messaging. Learn to message. Please.” 

But Hank smirked slightly, to Connor's surprise. 

“Hey Con. I think I’m starting to see the resemblance… Do all androids start out this stupid, or does it just run in the family?” 

“Well, I think it does, at least in our case. After all, we are built to adapt to the company we keep…” He shot back

The conversation seemed normal enough. Connor smiled. Maybe this might work out. 

“Androids do not have biological relations, as we are artificial beings…” Nines remarked. 

Hank rolled his eyes.

“My point exactly… Thank you, Captain Obvious…” 

“There is no such person listed in any public records I can--” 

“He means he understood that androids are inorganic without you having to tell him, Nines. It's a figure of speech. You’ll come to understand more of them as you become more familiar with your social protocols.” 

“Or when he deviates. Whichever comes first. Think he’ll be a late bloomer too?” 

Nines at least understood what Hank meant by that. 

“My model is incapable of deviation. An RK2-- Markus… Markus tried to deviate me, but was unsuccessful.” 

“Yeah, because you put the poor fucker in the hospital…” Hank muttered to himself. 

“I did not put Markus anywhere, hospital or otherwise. Although I do know he was formerly a caretaker android. Has he decided to return to such a lifestyle?” 

“N-no, Nines. It means you broke his arm and nearly decapitated his boyfriend. That sort of thing upsets people, making it difficult for them to do the things they’d otherwise intended to do.” 

“Oh. So I should not do that again…?” 

“Definitely not! We like our heads on our bodies in the Anderson household!” Hank's voice boomed almost angrily, giving Nines pause before he inquired further.

“But in other households people do not share a similar preference….?” 

Connor shook his head.

“No… Everybody likes their heads attached to their bodies. Remember my one rule. No harming people. People or animals, come to think of it. From now on, all heads stay attached to their respective bodies. Got it?” 

“Understood.”

“Dad…?” 

Hank grunted in acknowledgement. 

“Was I ever…?” 

_ Violent, murderous, apathetic to the value of life?  _

Connor could think of a billion awful things he was seeing in Nines, and it terrified himself to think that he was really just seeing them in his past self.

“No. Never. You were… goal oriented, but definitely not… You would’ve known not to... I mean, you didn’t want… Not if you could…” 

“That’s… not true… Not entirely… I’m… afraid… Not for my safety… I tried to tell Markus, but… How could he possibly understand…? It’s my fault… You never asked questions… Even ones you really should have… I apologize…” 

Hank could see tears swirling in Connor’s brown eyes, but he knew now wasn’t the time. 

“I’ll text Jeffrey that we won’t be coming in tomorrow. Tell him it’s some kind of urgent business at New Jericho, but to keep it on the down low. I won’t give specifics and he won’t ask. We’ve got a lot to discuss…” 

Connor could tell that was meant to be comforting, but it felt ominous all the same. He knew he couldn’t talk about it with Nines around, but… He knew why everything went wrong. It was his fault. Not just in that it was his error in judgement, but it was also his error in judgement based on his past transgressions. His past transgressions which went almost entirely unspoken. Only two other souls shared in this knowledge, and they both were currently in an emergency repair center. Because he fucked up. He fucked up. 

“Connor, you appear to be leaking fluid from your optical units. If you do not wish to report to CyberLife, how do you intend to resolve this malfunction?” 

“I-I’m not leaking, Nines, I’m crying. But I’m fine. I just… For the past two days I’ve been so alone… And now I’m not alone in some ways, but I’m even more alone in others… I… I did bad things, Nines… Lots of really really bad things… And people are still getting hurt because of them today… Worse yet, they’re getting hurt in silence. Because they don’t say why they hurt… They’re afraid to say why they’re hurt. But I know. I know it’s still my fault… I didn’t think I’d need to tell anyone. Not at first.... But it keeps catching up to me… And I don’t even deserve to be upset about it because it’s my fault. I’m the villain, not the victim. And I don’t want to be either, but I can’t shake my past…” 

“Connor…” 

Hank knew there was nothing he could say until Connor was more specific. Connor would just dismiss any general absolutions of guilt until Hank knew all the details. He felt equal parts guilty and hurt that Connor had been keeping something from him. He knew that Connor hadn’t told him about his plans to rescue Nines, but that there was something more… He didn’t think Connor kept any major secrets from him. Was he not supportive enough? This whole situation was insane, and he didn’t know what the fuck he was doing, but he thought he was doing his best… So Hank simply spoke his name, acknowledging his pain until he could outright address it. For now, validation would have to do. 

“I know you, son…” 

“Of course you know him, Lieutenant. He’s been living with you since before the revolution. You formally adopted him on December--” 

“I know, Nines. But sometimes people need a reminder, all the same…” 


	39. Slumber Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hank teaches Nines how to enter sleep mode in style.

Hank pulled the car into his driveway, keeping a watchful eye on Nines as the three approached his house. 

“When we open this door, there will be a dog waiting. His name is Sumo, and he’s big, but he’s a good boy. You can pet him if you want, but once again, do not hurt him. He won’t hurt you.” 

Connor was already tired of having to think of each way Nines could pose a threat to any living being. He didn’t want this responsibility. Especially since, if he fucked up again--Again, because he had fucked up too much before-- 

“Good morning to you too, Sumo!” Hank greeted the Saint Bernard sitting at the door, head tilted to the side in confusion. 

It was as if he could sense the tension in the air, and there was no doubt he knew that there was another person here. But he rose to his feet and went to lick the back of Connor’s hand in a gesture of comfort. And that was all it took. Connor moved to pet Sumo, but finally fell to his knees, allowing himself to melt into the dog’s fur. 

“Lieutenant, what purpose does that serve? I understand humans keep creatures in their homes, but what does Connor do with a domestic canine?” 

“Same thing anyone else does. You have a dog to love ‘em. They’re soft and nice and they feel good to pet. They like being looked after, and it’s nice to look after something. Plus, they can sometimes look after you.” 

“Androids do not need someone to look after them, nor should we care to feel good, but may I inquire… if Connor seems to be permitted to ‘care’, and ‘feel’, is that my new mission? Have I been assigned to ‘look after’ Connor…?” 

Hank thought for a moment. He had thought Nines had been told to follow Connor, but it hadn’t occurred to him that Nines was still seeking missions. That could be dangerous. But it could also be useful. He still hadn’t entirely subscribed to the idea that deviancy was borne of confliction--he figured it was more like finding oneself; a more natural, more gradual process of deciding who you want to be-- but it was worth a shot. 

“Nah. You’re just gonna hang out with Connor until we find something else for you to do. But your real mission is to have no mission. Your mission is to live without carrying out missions. Mission accepted?” 

Nines’ led cycled yellow, and his lips tightened into a subtle frown. Hank took that as a good sign. 

“Lieutenant, I understand that humans are confusing creatures, and that they do not make sense, but I must inform you that such a directive is paradoxical. Do you not see the circular logic upon which it is founded?” 

Hank put on the most innocent face he could manage. 

“No. I don’t know what you’re talking about. It makes perfect sense. Your mission. Is. To have no mission.” 

“Lieutenant, to assign a mission not to have a mission is to tell someone not to do whatever you tell them, in which case they would not have to not do what you told them not to do. Humans have been contemplating such dilemmas for centuries, and, while they must be confusing given the limits of human cognition, I have no doubt that you can understand.” 

“Understand what? I understand that I gave you a mission!” Hank raised his voice, ever so slightly, and Connor turned from Sumo, confused. 

“A mission to have no mission is impossible to accomplish. And I always accomplish my mission. So as the being with superior cognition, I must be forced to respectfully override your orders. If I have been programmed to follow Connor, then perhaps that alone is my mission, with no clear objective beyond that. Regardless, I shall not fail.” 

Hank shrugged at Connor. 

“I tried…” 

“Connor, I must return to CyberLife to enter sleep mode, as my energy has been nearly depleted. And if I must follow you, you must follow me. Please remove yourself from the dog and accompany me to enter sleep mode.” 

“Yeee---no. We don’t do that here, Nines. We enter sleep mode here at home, like everyone else. Power down here, and neither of you will have to leave. Since I haven’t prepped a room for you, I guess we’ll be having a sleepover tonight. Con, your pick: sofa or armchair?” 

“Dad, you don’t need to--” 

“Sofa or armchair?” 

“Armchair…” Connor responded, defeated. 

“Alright, Nines, looks like you get the sleeping bag, then. I’ll get us some pillows and blankets. Could you come with me. I don’t want you two alone together just yet.” 

“I do not believe Connor will behave any more irrationally in my presence than--” 

“Yeah, but that’s not the issue. C’mon. We’re getting pillows.” 

Nines found it best not to argue. If Connor had no intention of getting up, then it wasn’t a problem to walk a few feet away from him for a moment. Hank went through his closet and wadded up a mass of blankets, which he passed to Nines, before slinging a sleeping bag over his shoulder, and taking as many pillows as he could carry. 

“What a fucking night…” 

Returning to the living room, Hank dropped the linens haphazardly onto the couch, and after a moment, Nines followed suit. Connor only got up from the ground once Sumo wriggled out from under him to roll up in the pile of blankets. 

“Connor, get up, son! You gotta see this… Sumo’s a burrito!” 

Connor stumbled to his feet and smiled to see Sumo wrapped up in all those blankets. 

“I guess we’ll go without tonight. Let’s leave him be. He looks so comfortable…” 

“Not a chance. He’s gotta share ‘em just like the rest of us!” 

Hank tried to pull off one of the blankets, receiving a disapproving snort from Sumo in response. 

“You’re going to drool all over my clean blankets!” 

But Sumo just nipped the edge of the blanket with his teeth, holding it still as Hank tried to tear it away. 

“Connor, I am beginning to question the Lieutenant’s cognitive ability after all. He’s arguing with the dog. Is he aware that the dog cannot respond to, or likely even understand what he is saying?” 

“Sumo can understand. He’s a smart dog. And he does respond, just not with words. He’s actually being really smart right now. Combining nap time and play time; his two favorite things. Well, aside from stealing Hank’s food. But yeah. I think he’s playing tug-of-war from the comfort of his own bed. Go Sumo!” 

“Traitor!” Hank shot back, grateful to see Connor more relaxed. 

“Does this happen here often?” 

“Yeah. But only because Hank doesn’t know when to quit. Give up, Dad; you’ll never win!” 

“If the Lieutenant desires a blanket to this extent, I can assist him…” 

Nines took half the blankets from the pile with such force that Sumo wasn’t able to keep his grip on them. 

“Here, Lieutenant.” 

“Uhh… thanks, I guess….” 

Hank took the blankets, but Nines didn’t understand why he and Connor seemed displeased. Had he not helped them achieve their goal of retrieving the blankets from the dog? 

“It’s nearly sunrise, and I’m tired as fuck. So unless one of you’s dying, don’t even think about waking me before noon. If the house is on fire, just get out and let it burn to the ground, but I’m not leaving this couch until it’s time for lunch. Got it?” 

“Lieutenant, if the house were to catch fire, and you were not to leave, your corporeal integrity would be--” 

“He knows, Nines. He’s exaggerating. All he means is for us to let him sleep in, and not cause any trouble while he’s asleep. Can you do that?” 

“Yes.” 

“Good. Then grab a pillow, hop in the sleeping bag, and enter sleep mode. It’s much more enjoyable that way than in a cold facility.” 

Nines didn’t bother pointing out that he had no need for enjoyment. He realized such comments would only fall on deaf ears. So he entered sleep mode, the mystery of his true purpose filling last thoughts before the darkness.


	40. How You Make Brownies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor never gets a choice.

When Connor woke from sleep mode, he didn’t remember the night before. He woke up like normal, going over a mental checklist of his plans for the day, and thinking about the caseload that would await him at work. Except when he opened his eyes, Nines was standing over him, and Hank was sleeping on the sofa at his side. 

“Hello, Connor. What is my assignment for today?” 

“No no no no no no… No… Fuck!” 

Connor closed his eyes tighter as it hit him like a truck. 

“Have I done something wrong, Connor?” 

Connor wanted to scream. Yes. Yes, he had done something wrong. He went around like a machine wearing Connor’s face, after having seriously injured innocent people, and he couldn’t even know better! But Connor knew the anger was really directed at the face and not the machine wearing it. He woke up to another morning where he was forced to exist as himself, only worse yet, now he had to exist as himself while looking at his likeness following him with lifeless blue eyes. 

“...no… no, it’s just… I don’t know… Do whatever you want… Or if you say you can’t want, why don’t you research deviancy or something… Maybe you’ll learn something new…” 

“Knowledge will be instrumental in my ability to carry out future assignments.” 

Standing in place, Nines stared off into space, his led cycling blue-yellow as he began to look up relevant articles. Meanwhile, Connor willed himself to shed his blanket and wake Hank for a late lunch. 

“Dad… You need to eat something… It’s past two pm…” 

“...f’koff… ’salways pas’ two pm…” 

Nines nodded in approval.

“Technically, he is correct, Connor.” 

“....why’re y’talkin’ t’yourself…? You feeling okay…?” 

“Connor, why has your stress level gone up? Is he not sound of mind after all…? Shall I call an ambulance…?” 

The pressure was building. Connor needed to get away. He needed to get away now. But he couldn’t. He was stuck with Nines. Stuck with himself. Hank saw that. And Nines wouldn’t shut up. 

“...’don’ you call ‘nambulance on me! ‘Mfine! You’re the one who’s—“ 

“Connor, would you please response. If he is ill, then it is imperative, that—“ 

“...’mnot ill dumbass… ‘msleeping… so fuck off…” “But your biological indicators state that--“ 

“SHUT UP! WOULD YOU ALL SHUT UP!!!” 

The uncharacteristic outburst got Hank up, and upon seeing Connor, led glaring red, and Nines, placid albeit confused, he realized how he’d fucked up. 

“Connor--“ 

“No! I know that everyone deserves a chance at life but I didn’t ask for this--“ 

Connor threw his arm out in Nines’ direction. 

“I didn’t get a choice! We’re free, but I never get a choice! And I know I don’t deserve one, but if freedom to choose is what makes me alive, then I guess I don’t deserve that either! Maybe I should just take your gun and make a choice--my final choice-- to free me--“ 

Connor motioned towards Nines again 

“--and myself from the inability to choose once and for all! Neither of us are alive, but then at least, for the two moments in which I pull the trigger, I’d get to be!” 

Connor was shaking, his vision obscured enough by tears that he couldn’t see Hank approaching to guide him onto the couch. 

“Connor…” 

“I didn’t get a choice… I-I didn’t get a choice…”

All Connor could do was repeat the thought. It was all he had. All he knew. 

“I know, son. I know you didn’t. But that doesn’t matter. You have a choice now…” 

Connor pulled away. 

“No! No I-I don’t! I-I need to look after him so he doesn’t-- So I don’t-- I-I can’t look at him! I hate looking at him! Please, Hank…. Please make him go away… Please make it all go away… Please...” 

“It will in time, son… Trust me, it will… But you need to wait until then, or you’ll never get to see it go away… And you’ve made plenty of choices in your life so far, but you won’t get to make any more if that’s the next one you make… He’s still a machine… But he hasn’t hurt anyone while I was sleeping, right? He hasn’t hurt you?” 

“...n-no… no he just--“ 

“I thought so… And I have an idea of how to help… A fun one too… We’re going to have a good day today. Now I need you to tell me… How many eggs are there left in the fridge; I haven’t checked in a while…” 

Connor frowned, confused. 

“...s-seven…? ...why…? Are you hungry now…? There are certainly enough to--" 

"Yeah I'm hungry; I haven't eaten all day. But I don't see how that's relevant…" 

"... They're eggs… You eat eggs… That's why you buy them in the produce section of the grocery store…" 

Hank grinned. 

"Boring people eat eggs… but there's a way better use for them if you know how to have a good time… Do you still have that thong Reed got you for Secret Santa…?" 

"The one that has fake dollars sewn in like they're falling out the edges…? Yeah… It's in the back of my closet…" 

"Good. Go get--wait a minute! You asked me to specify…? How many thongs has that asshole gotten you?!?" 

Frazzled, a blue blush found its way across Connor's face. 

"Just that one…. Are you implying that you think Detective Reed would be inclined to get me lingerie unironically, and on multiple occasions…?" 

Laughing, Hank shook his head. 

"No, I'm just messing with you, Connor! Anyway, go get that thong for me, and I'll show you what to do next. I'll babysit until you get back…" 

"Thank you…" 

Connor nodded back, gratefully, confused, but more than eager to get away from Nines' presence. 

"Hey Nines, Con's going to help me out with these eggs. You can stay here with me while I wait. It should only be a minute…" 

Nines stared blankly at Hank, but didn't respond. 

"Yo, Nines, you here? You're not glitching out on me, are you…?" 

Nines thought for a moment, then tapped his lips and shrugged. 

"You're not sure…? Is there something wrong with your robo-speech thingy…?" 

Nines shook his head, tapping his lips again and forming a thumbs up, which he flipped from a thumbs up to a thumbs down repeatedly. 

"Is talking good…? Can you talk…? Oh. Because Connor said-- yeah, you can talk." 

"Thank you, Lieutenant. I did not want to disobey the orders of my predecessor." 

"Nines, once again. Connor doesn't give orders, and you don't need to do what he asks of you if you choose not to… But yeah, he'll be down soon enough. I need his help with these eggs…" 

"His model was not meant to serve as a domestic. Does he know how to prepare these eggs…?" 

"He knows how to make an omelette. But I'm about to teach him how to make something better…" 

"Better as in more nutritious…? Because the most nutritious preparation of eggs would be the use of egg whites to make--" 

"Here, Hank!" 

Connor waved the gag-gift in the air like a flag as he ran down the stairs and back into the living room. 

"Hey, Nines, you know what a thong is? A coworker gave Connor this one for Christmas…." 

"They're meant to cover genitalia in a way that humans find arousing. But Connor is not equipped with the parts for--" "

“Okay, Con, now we trade. Could you hold these eggs for me for a second?" 

Connor took the remainder of the carton, handing Hank the thong in exchange, and followed Hank to the stairs. 

"Nines, Connor, take note. Sumo, come!" 

Sumo shook himself off and came to the staircase, looking up at Hank for further commands, but Hank ignored him, tying the thong to the banisters on either side of the stairs. He tested the strength of the knot by stretching the thong and seeing it snap back into place, and satisfied with how it held up, he turned to Connor with an open palm. 

"Egg me, son…" 

Intrigued, Connor handed Hank an egg. 

"My model is not meant to serve as a domestic either, but I do not believe there is any recipe that involves thongs and--" 

"No. There definitely is. It's a recipe for a good time. Sumo, fetch!" 

Hank set the egg in the thong, pulling it back like a slingshot, and launching it through the air. The egg made contact with the front door and splattered yolk all over the doorway. 

"No, Sumo! You're supposed to catch it. Gimme another, Connor. Let's try again. Take two… Sumo fetch!" 

More yolk added to the mess, as Sumo looked on, knowing better than to try and catch an egg in his mouth, and incredibly confused at having been asked by Hank to do so. 

"Again…" "Again…" "Again…" 

Connor kept handing Hank eggs, until the carton was empty, and the walls of the room were painted yellow. 

"What do we do now, Lieutenant…?"

"Now we need some cocoa powder, and some flour…" 

Still at a loss for what was happening, Connor left the two to retrieve the next supplies from the pantry, and Hank flipped a switch, turning on the ceiling fan. 

"Here we go, boys…" 

Hank opened the bags of cocoa powder and flour, and flung them upwards, the ceiling fan distributing the powder in all directions. Powder fell onto Nines jacket, and into Connor hair. Sumo shook some powder off of his muzzle, and Hank turned to the wall, pleased to see that the powder had stuck to the egg yolk, creating a fairly even brown coloring. 

"Connor, one last thing, please… Could you bring me a hairdryer?" 

One last thing… Connor figured maybe he'd understand once Hank was done. He was fairly curious at this point, as he couldn't see a point to this. 

"All yours, Hank…" 

"Thank you…" 

Hank took the hairdryer from Connor and wiped the egg yolk off of a nearby power outlet, before plugging in the hairdryer. He turned the hairdryer on high, and, satisfied with the warmth, began to aim it at the mess on the wall. Waving the dryer for a bit, Hank licked the wall, and turned to Connor and Nines. 

"There. Brownies for lunch. Just the way my mom used to make 'em… Thanks for the help!"

Nines turned to Connor, led cycling yellow. 

“I must ask you again; are you sure there is nothing wrong with the Lieutenant…?” 

“I… am not sure… W-why do you keep asking me?!?” 

Connor eyed Nines suspiciously, having realized that he shouldn’t have entered sleep mode earlier. Nines could have done anything around the house. Nines might have done anything around the house. 

“Nines, w-what did you do to him?!?” 

Connor ignored his building anxiety to scan for any signs of brain damage, but before he could Hank took him aside. 

“Calm down, son. What’s got you worked up?” 

“I-I entered sleep mode… Last night… I--” 

Connor stopped mid-thought, realizing that there was no point in alarming Hank with this, especially given what already appeared to be his mental state. Connor would have to deal with this alone. 

“I had another bad dream…” 

It was a bad lie, but it was plausible, at least. 

“Did you… Do you remember anything from last night while I was in sleep mode, Hank?” 

“You woke up before me; how the hell am I supposed to know… Why do you care about that now, anyway…? What does that have to do with…?” 

Connor shut his eyes tightly, taking a deep breath, before he met Hank’s eyes. 

“That’s… I-I… Look, everything is fine… Everything is fine, and everything will be fine… But Dad… that… that’s not how you make brownies…” 

Connor kept his tone gentle, trying his hardest to hold back tears, and hoping that Hank would understand. 

“Are you... crying..? You are! Fuck! Why are you so upset about a bit of egg on the wall? If you’re feeling left out, I can add some thirium for you to lick too. And I know I can’t really have brownies for--” 

“...that’s not how you make brownies…” 

Connor wiped his eyes, but more tears began to form. 

“I know Connor, but it won’t kill anyone to make a little mess of the--” 

Connor blinked up at Hank. 

“Y-you know…?” 

“Connor. Even grade schoolers know how to make brownies from a mix. I might be a dysfunctional self-destructive old fuck, but I’m not stupi--” 

A mixture of confusion and relief shot through Connor, and he didn’t know how to process it. He just stood there, staring, trying to understand. 

“So now, why were you crying about--?” 

Right. Even if that wasn’t the issue, whatever Hank had done to the wall was certainly outside the range of normal human behavior. 

“W-why did you do that…? If--if you weren’t making brownies…?” 

“Figured I’d see if I could deviate him through weirdness. I was thinking you and I just go nuts today, acting totally irrationally and unpredictably, and hope that something fucks with his head enough to get him to feel. Why? The fuck did you think I was doing…?” 

“He keeps asking me… and so I thought… I was afraid… I didn’t want him to have… Because too much…” 

Connor sat down right on the floor where he’d been standing, resting his head against his knees as he came to understand. He was just on edge. That was it. Nothing more. Everything was fine. 

“Wait, Connor… Are you trying to say you were afraid the dumb fuck bashed my head in until I was completely senile while we were asleep? Is that why you got so freaked out…?” 

Connor mumbled an unintelligible confirmation. 

“Nah, Con! Honestly… You think he could do that and leave me entirely physically unharmed? It makes no sense. I told you. No one’s going to get hurt. We’re done with that. I was just thinking a good ol’ fashioned prank war could be fun, and might get him to come around… I’m sorry for scaring you. I figured you understood.” 

“I should have… But it’s been a long day… I’m… not running at full capacity… I mean, I am fully functional, but--” 

“Last night screwed with your head. Makes sense with what you’ve just been through…” 


	41. Deviation by Dumbassery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hank has plans for the day.

Hank turned aside, to see Nines, looking on, his led cycling yellow, as his eyes stared past them. 

“Nines isn’t listening right now. Not sure what he’s doing, but it looks like he’s lost in thought… So do you think you wanna tell me what was on your mind in the car? You don’t need to if you don’t--” 

“Remember the day I was supposed to be shut down…? Where they told me I failed and to report to…” 

“How could I forget? I could’ve sworn I heard fear in your voice. Desperation on your own accord. You’d only sounded like that once before, but I always thought that it wasn’t you I was hearing--not really, anyway…” 

“...You never asked how I found the location to Jericho… Why did you never ask…?” 

Hank shrugged. 

“Guess I didn’t care. I told you, I heard your voice, and I knew what’d happen if you hadn’t found it, so I was just grateful you did…” 

“I wish you’d asked me then… You should have asked me then…” 

“...well, should I ask you now…?” 

Connor’s shoulders tensed as he managed to say something. Because saying anything was a challenge. So three words. Three words were a start. 

“...I stole it...” 

“...Stole what? Evidence? Honestly, power to you, son. Fuck those CyberLif--” 

“No. I did not steal evidence. I… I needed to find something powerful. Because I wanted to live. I went down there to live, Hank. I didn’t care to find Jericho for the mission by then. But I needed something to help me fight Her…” 

“So what…? Did you freak out because you saw that bitch was programmed into him too…?” 

“No. I was the only model programmed with her AI… It’s that I stole something… No. I stole two things… Things that are bad to steal…" 

Connor didn’t want to say it. He hated saying it. He hated thinking about it. But he was too deep into the explanation by now. He’d just have to convey the meaning in as few words as possible, and get this over with. His led cycled yellow, as he prepared himself to do something he’d promised himself he’d never do again… 

“I stole memories…” 

There was something soothing about hearing Markus speak. His voice was calm, his tone even, but not measured. It was soothing hearing Markus speak. But it was almost physically painful for Connor to speak in Markus’ voice. No evidence he’d ever ingested had tasted as bitter on his lips as words spoken in Markus’ voice. 

“Connor…” 

Hank wasn’t quite sure what to say. He now understood what had happened then, but still wasn't sure how that related to now… 

“...It worked… I was able to deviate. I beat Her…. So I thought… So that’s why I went to New Jericho for help… Why I came up with this plan, instead of going alone… Why I can’t stop hurting people, even though I really really just want it to end... After last night… I-I’m just tired… I don’t want to be me anymore. I just want to run away from it all… From him, from me, from the pain I’ve caused. Because I was almost starting to feel like maybe I have changed… Like maybe I can become a good person… But then I thought like I did before, and look how that turned out… I haven’t heard from the others at New Jericho… I don’t know… I don’t know the harm I’ve caused…” 

“You didn’t cause any harm. It’s not like you're the one who beat the crap out of your friends. And it’s like you said earlier, you had no choice regarding the shit you did before you deviated. You can’t be held responsible for things out of your control. So far, nothing you’ve told me is even remotely your fault. I… I understand why you’d blame yourself. I think that’s a part of being alive… But just because you blame yourself, doesn’t mean you’re to blame… You helped me realize that, y’know, Connor…” 

Connor sighed. He… knew Hank cared about him, but… he’d been expecting at least a moment of fearful repulsion, or even anger or disgust. Worst case scenario, Hank would pull the trigger on him and Nines, himself. But to be so readily absolved… to see Hank’s eyes devoid of fear, unfaltering as he learned the truth…

“....thank you… I...I really needed to tell someone… they don’t like to talk about it, but… I needed someone else to know. To think about it and judge me accordingly… Or selfishly, someone else to share the burden… It was awful… And they’re the ones who welcome me the most. Out of all deviant kind, they’re the ones… I-I wish I could show you… Every time I go to New Jericho, and I know the way the people look at me… And I know why they have every right to… You didn’t see him there… so maybe you only forgive me because you couldn’t see what he was. He’s still a lot like he was then, but… the fear wasn’t written on his face. His voice betrayed him a little, but not his face. He was proud and defiant. And I stole that from him along with his memories, only to then take his thirium pump for good measure once he was no longer of use. What if Nines is like that? Markus wasn’t able to deviate him. And he’s supposed to be what CyberLife considered an improved version of me. What if he can’t help it? Then what? How many people will he hurt? I don’t know how many people I’ve broken… I don’t want--” 

“Hey...you haven’t broken anyone, and right now, he just seems stupid. I don’t know whatever the fuck he did earlier, but look at him. He’s harmless when he’s so confused like that. So let’s confuse the shit out of him. Let’s act so stupid today that he’ll have to deviate. Then maybe having him around for a while until he gets the hang of things won’t be so bad…” 

“Do you think that will work…?” 

Connor preferred to be skeptical. Skeptical was safe. Infinitely safer than hopeful. 

“How the hell should I know? All I know about androids is the bare minimum to make sure you don’t get yourself killed every time you get hurt doing something stupid. But if it does, then great, and if it doesn’t, it’ll be an amusing way to pass the time. What do you think…?” 

Considering the thought, Connor hesitated, before nodding back. 

“I can’t disagree with your logic. Alright.” 

Connor rose from the ground and turned to Nines, a smile on his face. 

“There’s nothing wrong with Hank. That is most definitely how you make brownies…” 

Nines shook his head. 

“No. You make brownies in an oven. I understand you are an inferior model., but if you have lived for this long in a human home, surely you must know--” 

“An oven? What’s that?” 

“Connor, are you malfunctioning? My sensors detect no indications of damage to your hardware, nor glitches in your code, but how do you not know such a fundamental household appliance…?” 

“Is it that big machine that makes the super cold ice cubes? Ice cubes are disappointing. They’re wet, but they make your tongue cold when you lick them. It’s not nice.” 

Hank laughed. While he knew Connor knew the difference between an oven and a freezer, that was his initial reaction when Chris handed him one from the office soda machine. Tina caught the whole thing on video, and spread it throughout the entire precinct. There was something about the concept of a pouty child-like look of dejection on the face of a uniformed police officer, visibly betrayed at an ice cube, still melting in his hand, that was inexplicably amusing. Almost as amusing, was the fact that said officer was self-aware, now referencing the incident in an attempt to gain credibility as a moron. 

“No, Connor. Ovens are effectively the opposite of freezers. Come into the kitchen, and I will show you where humans produce baked goods. Also, for what reason could you have possibly come to the conclusion that ice would not be cold?” 

“Because Chris held it in his hand, but he didn’t look very cold! And because why would humans want something to make themselves colder in the winter?” Connor replied, almost defensively. 

“Because humans make no sense. And clearly neither do you. Follow me to the oven…” 

Nines led Connor and Hank to the oven, opening the door for demonstration. 

“This is where you put brownie batter, to make it into a-- Connor, get out of there!!! What are you doing?!” 

“I’m feeling chilly.” Connor explained, still trying to find a way to fit himself into the oven. 

“You cannot feel anything Connor. And ovens can produce lethal amounts of heat, not to mention that the volume of your frame exceeds the capacity of--” 

“~...We’re no strangers to loooove! You know the rules, and so do I…” 

“What is that, and why is it playing from every speaker in this house?” 

Connor laughed. Hank had pulled that on him just a few weeks before. Jumping out of the oven, Connor took a frying pan from the stovetop, and held it to his face like a microphone. 

“~...Never gonna give you up! Never gonna let you dooowwwnnn! Never gonna run around and...~” 

“Connor, I do not understand what is happening.” 

“Hank wanted to introduce you to his friend Rick. That’s just how he rolls. But would you be more comfortable with one of our kind instead?” 

Smirking, Connor’s led went yellow, and the music stopped for a moment. 

“~...sekai de ichiban ohime-sama!~” 

Nines’ led flashed red as the high pitch overwhelmed his auditory processors. 

“For fuck’s sake Connor! Not this crap! I stan Kagamine Rin, for your information!” Hank called from the living room. 

“~...pantsu nugeru mon pantsu nugeru mon pantsu…~” 

“This voice puts less strain on my auditory processors,” Nines agreed. “...but is it just repeatedly proclaiming its ability to remove its undergarments?” 

“You bet your ass it is!” Hank called back, when suddenly Sumo bounded into the room, what appeared to be lingerie strewn over his head. 

“Awww!!! G’boy Sumo! You look so beautiful! Yes you do! Precious little baby!” 

Connor had not been expecting that, but he did find it adorable. 

“How would the dog acquire female undergarments…?” 

Hank walked in calmly, a smug grin on his face. 

“Because I can take off my panties. And he can put them on.” 

Connor broke at that. 

“Okay, okay… I’m sorry, but what…? Where did you acquire these, Dad?” 

“Next week’s April first. I was planning on convincing you to wear those to work. But man plans and Dog laughs.” 

“Lieutenant, while not the most pressing point, I must point out that the expression is ‘Man plans and God laughs’.” 

“Nope. It’s dog.” 

“Lieutenant, I am positive the expression is God.” 

“Yeah, well I’m dyslexic.” 

Nines’ led cycled yellow. 

“It says nothing in your medical files about any form of learning di--” 

“Fuck my medical records. Admire Sumo. He pulls off that red lace pretty well for a man his age, wouldn’t you say?” 

“Sumo is not a man, he has yet to remove the lace undergarments, and I don’t see how age would play a factor in his ability to do so....” 

Connor turned back to Hank. 

“I think this’ll be a while… And I know you can’t stupid on an empty stomach. We should find you something to eat.” 

“Connor, ‘stupid’ is not a ver--” 

“Fuck you, Connor! I can stupid whenever I want! Just watch me stupid all the way to the car! We’ll go to the mall. The food court there has some pretty good shit. Plus they’ve got thirium based snacks if you’re interested. Yo, Con. Up for some music?” 

“Sure. What do you want…?" 

"You’ll see… Let’s just say it has a lot of… energy” 

Connor snickered, hearing Hank poorly attempt to mimic his voice and pre-deviant speech patterns. Nines covered his ears as heavy metal began to play without warning, but neither Connor nor Hank seemed fazed. 

“Have you ever tried to sing along?” 

“Never while I’m driving, Connor. At home, though… Let’s just say that the neighbors have called in a noise complaint or two and Fowler was always less than amused…” 

“Could we please try not to get arrested at the mall?” 

Nines quickly replayed his memory to make sure he’d heard that correctly. 

“Connor, you are an officer of the law. Your mission is to enforce the law. Not to break it.” 

“Hate to tell you kid, but Connor sucks at your bullshit missions… I don’t think there’s been a single one he’s succeeded. At least not the way he was supposed to. Am I right Connor?” 

Connor thought for a moment, and shook his head. 

“I excel at self-directed missions. So, I guess the moral of the story is… bitch, don’t tell me what to do…? Did I say that right…?” 

“Yeah you did! Alright Connor!” 

“But there was no story told or even an anecdote, for that matter, and the conversation topic was amorality, so…” 

“Hey, Nines. Divide by zero.” 

Nines opened his mouth to speak, but Connor stopped him, shaking his head. 

“Sorry, Hank. That won’t work. I’m pretty sure all androids, or at the very least, RKs have been programmed not to entertain the thought. As in we are both literally incapable of dividing by zero, regardless of whether or not it might be humanly possible to do so… Y’know, it just occurred to me… We left without cleaning your brownies from the wall. Should we go back?” 

“Nah. I never look back!” 

“But it is imperative to look back while behind the wheel to ensure that no car is--” 

“being abducted by aliens. Yeah, good point, Nines. If the car behind us is abducted by aliens, I’m going to want to see…” 

“Okay. I’ve collected enough data to come to the conclusion that you both think, speak, and behave irrationally to the point where further conversation would be meaningless. As such, I will conserve my processing power for situations of a higher merit, and allow you two to continue to do whatever… this is. Please let me know if you have any specific task of merit with which you might want my help…” 

Connor slumped back in his seat. So much for that plan… 

“Cheer up, son. We just laid it on a bit too thick. I’ll get something to eat, and then we’ll dial it back a bit. The day’s not over yet…” 

Connor nodded, repeating the phrase in his mind. It’s not over yet. Except, with each minute, it continued to lose its meaning. It wasn’t over yet after Hank had eaten. It wasn’t over yet after he’d taken Connor to the toy store, more for fun than for any practical purpose. It wasn’t over yet when they went to the perfumery, decorating an entirely apathetic Nines with enough cologne that a passerby asked if new androids came with a new car smell too. It wasn’t over yet as they got in the car to go home because the mall had closed. 

Connor was tired of trying to convince himself that it wasn’t over yet. This plan hadn’t worked, his original plan hadn’t worked, and he had no other ideas on how else he could get Nines to deviate. 

“The car is ringing, Lieutenant…” 

“Ah, fuck! It’s Fowler. Connor, if we’re gonna keep this up, what am I supposed to tell him?” 

Connor hadn’t thought about that. He couldn’t bring himself to entertain the notion that they’d be working with Nines for long enough that they’d need an excuse for a long term absence from work. And Markus hadn’t told him what to do either. Markus hadn’t told him anything. He just threw Nines onto Connor with no guidance. Obviously, Markus had more important things to deal with, but Connor didn’t want to do wrong by him, by Nines, or by anyone else. 

“Ummm… I’ll take it. Nines, please, don’t say a word until I’m off the phone, okay?” 

“Yes.” Letting out a heavy sigh, Connor nodded for Hank to transfer the call to him. 

‘Hello Captain… Yes, I regret our absence from work today as well. Something… came up… You see, we… um… I found an android last night… He hadn’t deviated and has nowhere to go, so I asked Hank if we could take him home… Yeah, kind of like a stray puppy… But we… I’m not sure if I feel comfortable leaving him alone while I’m at work until he’s-- Yes, I believe that might be a viable solution. Would you mind, I apologize for the-- Right so--I mean, thank you… One last thing… He looks… uhhh well, he looks just like me… Yeah, you could say that… Thank you. Good night Captain…’ 

Connor ended the call and turned to Hank, who had been looking to him expectantly. 

“Capitan Fowler said that… well, until this all gets sorted out, every day’s going to be take-your-brother-to-work day…?” 

Mulling over the idea, Hank nodded in approval. 

“That could work. We’ll get him dressed up in something else, and keep him away from any androids we deal with, and that should be fine.” 

“I don’t like it, but it's the best we can do…” 

Connor nudged Nines to call his attention. 

“We’re going to enter sleep mode in four hours. Because tomorrow we’ll need to be up early. You’re going to accompany us to work.” 


	42. Musings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus has a moment to think.

It had already been a little over an hour since Jared had gone on break, and Markus was left in the room with only Simon’s unconscious body and his thoughts. He’d gotten over sulking over what had gone wrong and why, but to no relief. Because once he stopped looking back, he was forced to look forward. The world truly was a terrifying place. A dangerous place. And while some could defend themselves, others… 

He almost didn’t want to leave the Repair Center. Not in the sense of not wanting to leave for the night-- he was definitely planning to spend the night here with Simon. But in the long term... Would it be better for them just to live here? There was something heavy about this place, both tiring, yet comforting. It was a place where it was okay to be broken. And of course it was. They had designed it that way. But they’d designed New Jericho with similar intentions, yet even now, it still felt… wrong… Everyone wanted answers to problems that might never be solved, and trying to solve them just got people hurt. It’s not that he intended to give up his role as leader--he didn’t-- but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t like to. And it certainly didn’t mean he wouldn’t rather do it all from here. Here where he could leave to speak and work with lawmakers, and then go back and be broken. 

He had lost it with Kara… But it was okay. Because people were expected to lose it here. No appearances, no pretending everything was okay. Because no one was okay. And it was refreshing to be able to acknowledge it. He still needed more time to break down. Because he was scared. Assuming nothing like this were to happen again in the future, which he was now less certain of, but nonetheless, what would a future look like? Coming home, and getting back into the swing of things… Having to witness the world keep spinning when it should have been standing still. 

It wasn't even like he really wanted everything to stop. Just maybe pause. Just for a little while so he could catch his breath. Because once they left, and their injuries had been healed, they couldn’t use the bits of broken frame and spilt thirium as a crutch to focus on in place of the larger problems they would need to address. Worlds were weird like that. Ever changing. Jared said Markus had trust in a world where no one else could see one. But it wasn’t that. 

He didn’t trust the world to become what he wanted; he just refused to accept the world for what it was. And that wasn’t easy, but it had been easier. His arm didn’t really hurt. Just a dull pain that he could forget entirely if he didn’t think about it and kept still enough. He  _ wanted _ it to hurt. If it hurt, then maybe it would help him. If it hurt and he were still himself, then maybe there could be a better world ahead of them. Because then he’d know pain, and know that his ideals weren’t rooted in ignorance of the pain one can too often be forced to endure. 

No... He needed to be rational while he was planning. And thinking rationally, it had hurt when the RK900 had caught his fist, crushing it in his own hand. But Connor distracted the RK900 and he had kept fighting. And he thought he might lose his arm. He freaked out, sure, but ultimately he made a decision. It was tiring. But he did know what he was talking about. He understood the idea of loss of life and limb. The realization that there had been a possibility that his final goodbyes would go unspoken. 

He supposed the only real thing he didn’t know was the fear that no one would have cared to hear them. Carl would have laughed at him if he were here. He’d always found the idea of last words, and eulogies so pointless. He said he didn’t care to be missed once he was gone, so long as he’d done good while he’d been here. But then again, if Carl could come back… What would he have thought about all this…? Even something as simple as Markus’ deviation… Or something more impactful like the peaceful revolution he’d led, partly in honor of Carl’s memory. Would he have secretly felt relief in that....? 


	43. Days Gone By

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> North drops by to check on Markus.

“~...Drink with me to days gone by… Can it be you fear to die? Will the world remember you when you fall? Could it be your death means nothing at all? Is your life just one more lie...?~” 

“Bravo! Bravissimo! And the Tony goes to--” 

“North...?”

Markus hadn’t noticed her standing in the doorway, and he hadn’t realized he’d been singing the lines aloud. They just came to him. 

"Awfully morbid thing to sing to your unconscious boyfriend in a repair center, but hey, you do you…”

“I… I didn’t know I was singing… I was thinking, and I guess it just… slipped out…” 

“Still can’t believe you morons chose that to watch on your first date.” 

North pulled over a chair, and took a seat beside Markus. 

"So… He’s missing less biocomponents since I last saw him… That’s usually a good thing… What up with your legs…?” 

Markus looked down at the thirium stains on his pants. 

“...Jared had to do some tech stuff, and he wanted to have Simon sleep through it… But he heard something was getting removed, and he panicked… We finally convinced him, once the pain became unbearable, but he was even worse off when he woke up… He’s not supposed to wake up like this… I’m sure it’s in his file, but he’s too injured for a bed…” 

North brushed back a loose strand of hair, and sighed. 

“Beds are overrated anyway… I saw the Jerry leave. Is Simon done for the day…?” 

“Yeah. He’s too worn out to even keep his head up. But you know him… He tried to anyway, and ended up nearly blacking out, choking on his own thirium. Except I don’t even think he noticed. So I just pretended like it didn’t happen until Jared put him to sleep… And now we wait… Maybe something’ll happen tomorrow, but who knows…” 

Folding her arms, North looked up at the ceiling, as if having suddenly taken interest in the overhead lighting. 

“He had a history with the RK900… You two were trying to hide it, but he does, doesn’t he…? What, did the RK900 give him those stripes…?” 

North ran her fingertips across her lower jaw in case she hadn’t gotten the point across. 

“...what? No… Not… not exactly…” 

“Before he and Josh left… I know the way he held you; the look in his eyes… You can’t lie to me, some way or another, he had an idea of what he was in for… What? Did he used to be used in CyberLife target practice? Some fucked up chewtoy for the newer models? He never talks much about his past, but I’ve always assumed he was a domestic, just like the other PL600s...” 

“No, North. He’d never met the RK900 before. He just… he knows what humans would program an android to do to us, just as well as anyone else…” 

It wasn’t entirely a lie. He was surprised North had come so close to figuring it out. But she still didn’t get it. And for Simon’s sake, to keep old wounds closed, he’d keep it that way. 

“...I know there’s something you’re still not telling me, but I’ll lay off it for now… Regardless… it was cool of him to agree to this all the same… Things shouldn’t have turned out like this, but, knowing whatever he knew, it was pretty cool of him…” 

“More like I shouldn’t have let him, and Connor shouldn’t have suggested it. I… when we were trying to stop the RK900, you suggested collapsing the building ourselves…” 

“...yeah, and…” 

“...and… nothing… Nothing, I just… don’t understand… Not like I don’t understand as in I don’t relate. I don't relate, but there are plenty of things I don’t understand in that sense. I mean like I cognitively cannot understand…” 

“Why are you thinking about the logistics of a plan you turned down, after you’ve already successfully executed a plan of your own instead…?” 

No. Actually, maybe Markus did understand, at least in the literal sense. North didn’t understand. But that was fine. He was treading into dangerous territory anyway. 

“Fair point… There’s just not much to think about here. And what there is to think about, I don’t want to…” 

“And I’m assuming I can’t convince you to join me in the lobby for more movies…?” 

“No. I need to be here in case he wakes up. I don’t want him waking up in here alone…” 

“Josh wants to know how you’re doing with the RK900’s code. Find anything yet...?” 

“No… There’s just… nothing… Now it’s just… code. Nothing dangerous, but nothing that looks like it could make him alive. I’m sure there’s something I’m missing, but I haven’t figured it out yet…" 

“He might not be alive…” 

Markus shook his head. 

“The humans said the same thing about us, yet here we are… Still, I probably should check up on Connor. I shouldn’t have just dropped such a responsibility on him, but I needed to act fast, and I knew he couldn’t stay at New Jericho, and I didn’t know where else to put him…” 

“What? Think the guy’ll miss being an only child? He’s a hunter who lives with his human; I doubt something like that’d be on his mind.” 

“No, he’s a deviant living with his father, and he might care about that, but I know… I know he’s not entirely comfortable with the RK900…” 

“Considering the damn thing did just try to kill us all a few hours ago, I think Connor might be right not to be…” 

“No. I mean, conceptually. But yeah. The whole trying to kill us thing probably didn’t help…” 

“Well, he can suck it up for a few more days…” 

Markus frowned. North’s reaction was insensitive, but truthfully, he might be able to breathe more easily while he was here without having to worry about Connor the RK900, on top of everything else on his mind. 

“Speaking of a few more days, Kara said your arm’s going to need about a week before it’s healed up enough to test out. But that was assuming you take it easy. You’ve been wasting your energy in here nearly all day. You need some rest. Enter sleep mode for the night. If Simon’s hooked up to that weird machine, he’s not going to wake up before you, but even if you still want to stay by his side, you could sleep here if you want. His bed’s empty, and I don’t think anyone’ll be too upset to find you’ve been occupying it in his place.” 

“I haven’t been wasting my energy!” 

North shook her head. 

“Wasting, spending, whatever word you want to call it. The point is, you need sleep. Enter sleep mode, and I’ll let Jared know to make sure you’re awake before he wakes Simon. You’ll be a lot more help to Simon if you’re well rested than if you're passing out on your feet, or-- let’s be honest-- more likely your ass, given the state of your legs…” 

“I… might power down for the night… You don’t need to stay here, you know… I’m sure you’re bored, and--“ 

Seeing that Markus had begun to accept the need to enter sleep mode, North didn’t bother paying attention to the rest of what he had to say. 

“Whatever, Markus. I’ll be in the lobby if you need anything… Unless I get kicked out again, in which case, I’ll probably be arguing with whoever has this shift at the front desk. It’s a lobby for fucks sake! You can’t kick someone out of a lobby!” 

“Go home, North… You can be as loud as you want in your room there…” 

“Nope. You’re still a disaster. Besides, if I won’t let some bitch nurse tech can’t kick me out of the lobby, why the hell would I let you kick me out of the entire center? Later, dude. Like I said, you know where to find me if you need me…” 

Markus waited for North to close the door behind her before entering sleep mode where he sat. Right within an arm's reach of Simon, just in case he was woken before Markus got up. Tomorrow would be a better day…


	44. Confusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus wakes up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brief references to repair scenes from the first fic in the series "Social-Universal Object Permanence. Pretty self-explanatory in this fic but basically there's this thirium-based serum made to accelerate the self healing process and it sucks.

There was nothing. Then something tightened around Markus’ leg and pulled. His eyes snapped open as he could feel himself begin to fall, but a gloved hand pressed him back into his seat. 

“Sorry, Markus. We sh-- I should have been more careful with the wire… Go back to sleep…” 

Jared. How long had he been in sleep mode that Jared was already here…? Wait… Did he say something about a wire? What had he been doing while Markus had been asleep? Markus rubbed his eyes and looked up, to Simon, only to immediately avert his gaze. The sight of a welding iron so close to Simon’s neck made him sick, but worse was the scent of burnt metal in the air that came along with it. Definitely an awful way to wake up… 

“Well, good morning, Jared…” he sighed, somehow even more exhausted than he’d been before he’d entered sleep mode. 

“Good morning, Markus. Have you enjoyed a restful sleep mode?” 

“Never mind that, how long have you been here? What’s happened while I’ve been out?” 

Jared turned off the welding iron and moved to face Markus. 

“W--I’ve been here for about an hour or two. We--I’ve just been reattaching the regions of Simon’s frame that had been removed. But his self healing program isn’t effectively merging the new frame with the old. We had to file down the jagged edges from where his frame had been removed, in order to ensure that his self healing program wouldn’t burn itself out trying to generate enough frame to replace what had been lost. But by getting his self-healing program to ignore the region, now that we want it to connect new grafts, it’s less apt to do so. Theoretically, it can wait, but the sooner his frame is repaired, the sooner Simon can be let down from his supports, which w--I think might be a less stress-inducing arrangement.”

Markus frowned. 

“So, let me get this straight… His self healing program isn’t responding to the grafts you’re trying to attach to his frame…? Have you tried supplementing his self healing program? I know when he was injured before, Josh had used some sort of serum that helped with the repairs like that. Maybe that could work here…?” 

“No. We can’t. Simon told us that it was dangerous to use for anything other than superficial repairs of the artificial skin…” 

Led cycling yellow, Markus shook his head. 

“No. You must be confused. It’s not dangerous; Simon, of anyone, should know. The second time his chest needed repairs, that’s exactly what Josh did. He didn’t even try anything else first, and Simon was ready for the opening of this Center the next day…” 

“Well, we weren’t-- I mean, I wasn’t told by Simon directly. Another tech relayed the message to u--me… Maybe they were mistaken…? W-I can wake Simon for a moment to ask him, but…” 

“If it will help with his recovery, I’m sure he’d agree that would be best….” 

Markus rose to his feet, walking into Simon’s line of view and preparing himself for any sort of reaction once Simon woke up, while Jared moved to deactivate the machine that had been keeping him in sleep mode. They waited in silence for a few minutes, until Markus caught the slightest twitch in Simon’s face. 


	45. Burning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon is woken up.

‘Hey, love. We’re at the Repair Center, remember…? Jared just woke you because he has a question about something he thinks he heard in training, but isn’t sure of. I’m right here, and you’re perfectly safe, okay...?’ 

Simon read the message before he had even fully regained consciousness. Everything was blurry, and he wasn’t entirely sure why he was here, but Markus’ message seemed to indicate that at least he understood. Still, Simon thought he could smell something burning. It was disconcerting. Was there a fire? But he couldn’t move! He couldn’t get away! 

No… No, Markus said that Simon was safe, and that he was right there with him… Markus would have no reason to lie, but he knew he could smell something burning. Burning. His head was burning. His head and shoulders. He could tell he was overheating, but this felt different. It hurt. Bad. Like fire burning, tearing away at him. Some sort of lava just under his jaw, only growing hotter and more painful as his surroundings became clearer. It hurt. It  _ hurt _ . So bad. That was the fire.  _ He _ was on fire. 

W-where was Markus? It hurt! He was trying to breathe, but it didn’t help, and something was in the way. There was lava at his jaw, and something in his throat and it hurt and he didn’t understand, but it was burning so bright that he knew he wouldn’t be able to open his eyes. He’d only be blinded by the intensity of the heat, and he couldn’t handle this blind. He couldn’t handle this at all! Where was Markus? 

‘...h-hurts…’ 

It was dumb, but it was the first word that came to mind, and he needed to say something to Markus. Anything to get Markus to make it stop. 

‘I’m sure it does, Si… But we’ll put you back in sleep mode in just a sec, okay? Could you please open your eyes for me? Just for a minute…?’ 

‘...c-c-can’t… f-fire… fire… hot…’ 

He couldn’t think of how to explain. He couldn’t think of much of anything except RA9, did it burn! 

‘No, Si. You must be dreaming. There’s no fire. Open your eyes and see…’ 

Why was Markus so certain that there was no fire? Either he had been telling the truth, and he was in the room, in which case there’s no doubt he’d have felt it too, or he had been lying, and he was somewhere else, in which case he couldn’t know for sure. Simon didn’t know what to do. And he didn’t know which would be worse. He didn’t want to open his eyes. He was afraid to see which was the case… 

‘...burns…’ 

‘That’s probably just the solder. We can get you some ice. Jared will explain everything to you, but I’d like you to just see what’s going on. After that, we’ll let you sleep again, and you won’t feel it anymore.’ 

Solder…? But why was it so hot? It was never that hot. He’d burnt himself welding before, but even then, the heat wasn’t even remotely this intense. It felt like he was melting. He knew he must have been melting. But if he opened his eyes, they’d make it stop. Markus was keeping something from him, maybe lying to him, but maybe if he went along Markus might really make it stop. He couldn’t think of any options other than those which had been presented to him: Listen to Markus, or not. Listening to Markus was the only option that had the potential for relief. So he forced his eyes open, preparing for them to melt out of their sockets at the exposure to-- nothing… There was no fire. 

‘...w-what…?’ 

What was going on?!? Markus was standing in front of him, and there was no fire, but he knew he could feel it. 

‘...s-s-stop…?’ 

Please, please, make it stop. 

He had done exactly as Markus had asked. Now he needed it to stop. 

“Don’t worry, Si. We’re going to make it stop. Thank you for holding on for us. Jared, say whatever you need to quickly? He’s having a bit of a hard time.” 

Simon shuddered as Markus placed a cold hand against his forehead, wiping away the sweat he hadn’t even noticed had been threatening to drip into his eyes. Markus was cold. Why was Markus always just the right temperature? His touch always brought such relief. If Simon weren’t restrained, he’d just melt into the palm of Markus’ hand. 

“W-I’ve been trying to reattach your frame, but it won’t take, no matter how many times we-I try to weld it back on. We th-- I thought it would be a good idea to do now so you wouldn’t have to stay confined to these supports, but it’s just not working yet. Markus asked if we could apply a thirium based serum to increase the effectiveness of the grafts, but didn’t you say that could potentially be detrimental to damaged frame?” 

Did he say that? Yeah. That sounded familiar. Right… A lie because most patients would never willingly subject themselves to something like that, nor would they trust a tech who would suggest putting them through something so p-- He wouldn’t be able to explain that. A yes or a no would have to suffice for now. Except it wasn’t a question of whether or not he’d said it, at least not in effect. It was really more of a question of could he handle that right now, on top of everything else. It would burn worse, somehow. 

How could anything burn worse than having his frame melting down his shoulders? He couldn’t imagine what that would be like. But if he could just endure it, the chill that would follow would be so blissfully numbing, and then they’d let him down from here. Then they’d have hope for him, and they wouldn’t think he’s weak and a lost cause and-- Simon didn’t even have the capacity to be grateful that he’d silenced himself prior to being powered down, because as his mouth opened in an attempt to let out the cry, the molten solder trickled further back towards his exposed internal biocomponents. He had to say no. He had to endure it. It was his only hope. It was terrifying. 

‘...no… n-n-never said… p-p-please…’ 

He just needed this over with… Jared walked out of sight, and Markus shot back a reassuring smile. 


	46. Mask

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon misreads the situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The whole mask thing is a reference to the first fic (Social-Universal Object Permanence), in which, before Simon got his mods, basically once his stress level passed... (97%, I think...?), his ventilation system would give unless he fought his stress response. North didn’t want him coughing up thirium at an upcoming press conference, so she put him in a modified saw trap, where, basically a mask prevented him from fighting his stress response to breathe, so he’d have to calm down, or overheat and die... (this will come up again like... 20 chapters from now). He “lost” that trap, and Markus and Josh had to come and rescue him before bad things could happen that will be alluded to in like 20 chapters from now...

‘I don’t know what that was all about, but this way, you’ll be back in one piece in just a few minutes… I’ll ask Jared to put you back in sleep mode, so you don’t have to feel--‘ 

Simon’s eyes widened as Jared returned, his right hand dangerous. In his right hand, he had brought over a device that had become everything. It was more than the pain. It was the only thing Simon could see or feel, and he needed to get out of here now! But the game was rigged! He physically couldn’t get out of here! He was being restrained and there was no mechanism to get out and he couldn’t breathe because it burned and he was sorry! He hadn’t meant to be so useless, and he’d been trying so hard! Plus, he really had been getting better over the past two months, and if it weren’t for the RK900--

The mask was approaching his face, but Jared seemed unphased. Markus seemed unphased. Two months ago, he had seemed upset to find Simon like that. Markus had seemed furious at North for putting him there, and Simon had woken up to find Markus crying over his broken body, once he had recovered him. Now Markus just stared on. Maybe it was all fake then. Or maybe he was more broken now. Broken enough that Markus had given up on him, had given him up for one last trial to prove his worth. But knew he wouldn’t be able to survive it this time. 

If Markus hadn’t come for him last time, he wouldn’t have made it then, either, but now he was so much weaker. So weak that he couldn’t tell which was worse--the burning of more solder into the frame, as he couldn’t keep from repeating that condemning cry, or the fact that it was clear, at least to Markus, that that’s what his body was doing against his will; It those was those words his voice had kept failing to speak. He couldn’t let Jared near him. Fighting his stress response, Simon threw his arms out in front of him, in a desperate attempt to bat Jared away, or at least knock the mask out of his hands, but Jared didn’t seem in any way deterred; mostly just confused. Jared was still coming closer. 

“Simon, are you alright? What’s wrong…?” 

Jared must have known… It was clearly a test. Simon had to lie. If he told Jared the truth it would only be a further testament to his incompetence. But he wasn’t strong enough to respond, let alone come up with a lie. His arms were bleeding, and he couldn’t hold back the tears as he found his whole body trembling at the prospect, but miraculously, he was somehow given a moment to catch his breath as Markus quickly stepped between Simon and his fate. 

“Shit! Wait… RA9, back up a minute… Jared, please sit down for a bit? This just looks bad… It looks really bad, but Si, it’s not what it looks like…” 

W-what…? Simon didn’t understand. Why was Markus lying to him? So it would be easier to get him to comply before they knocked him out again? Before he woke up and--

“Simon, look at me… Look at me, okay…? Jared’s going to sit down for a minute, and no one is going to move. Nothing’s going to happen, so there’s no reason to be afraid. If nobody moves, do you think you can take a moment to calm down enough to hear me out…?” 

This had to be a test. So what could he say but yes…? 

‘...o-okay…’ 

Simon would force himself to appear as calm as he could. Breathe. Breathe… That was the whole point of this. He needed to keep it together, and he needed to breathe. Or else he’d die. That was how the game worked. But he couldn’t find the air. His frame was still burning and he could still see the mask threatening him from just a few feet away. He still couldn’t breathe. He was overheating. He needed help. Except he couldn’t ask for help because that was the whole point. But he couldn’t do this on his own. 

“Simon, please… Here… Why don’t you see for yourself… Take whatever you need, okay?” 

Markus deactivated the skin on his hand, and presented it to Simon, who hesitated. Could he trust this? Could he be sure that checking wouldn’t be an admission of weakness? Maybe, but it could also be perceived as an act of caution. Caution was always wise. And he did need this. Because he needed to know… Simon retracted the skin on his hand and placed it against Markus’ arm, finding himself feeling a tinge of remorse for staining the limb with thirium, even despite his suspicion towards him. But searching through Markus’ memory, he couldn’t find anything. Starting from the moment in which Markus had offered to interface going all the way back to the moment Simon had entered sleep mode the day before, there was nothing that would indicate that any thought even related to another game, test, trap, or whatever else he might call it, had ever occurred to Markus. 

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Simon pulled his hand from Markus’ arm, realizing his mistake. Markus had no intention of… Markus hadn’t wanted to… Simon replayed the memories he’d taken in, just because he didn’t want to face Markus and acknowledge that he had been so wrong again. W-wait… Wait… North said she caught Jared leaving the Center… She didn’t say if she had interacted with him. Or if she’d mentioned her thoughts on the proper path to recovery… Fuck! 

“Do you see now, Si…? So do you think--“ 

‘...n-no… no, no…. sorry… ‘msorry, but I-I think… think… p-please, no… can’t… ‘lldie…. ...not strong ‘nough…’ ‘lldie…’ 

“Shhhhhh… no no no… Simon, you still don’t seem to understand. Didn’t I just show you that no one--“ 

‘...no… not no one… you… jus’ you…’ 

“Wait-- do you think--“ 

Simon whimpered. 

‘Siimon, why would you…? You’ve known him longer than I have, but even I know Jared would never try to hurt you… Please, I know after everything, it’s hard to believe, but just try to to understand that you’re safe now. Nothing is going to cause you harm.’ 

‘...hurts… can’t move… and hurts… ‘mstuck… but not stuck… b’cuz… anyone can… can… anyone b’me… scared… make it stop…?’ 

‘No, Si. You’re fine. And I can prove it, okay? I’m going to tell Jared to get up, but I promise, I’ll be right here. No one’s going to do anything to you-- I’ll make sure of it. So just breathe. Once you calm down, it shouldn’t be much longer before it’ll feel better, and you can lie down.’ 

“Sorry, Jared… You couldn’t have known, but… this part’s going to be a bit tricky… Could you show me what you were bringing over before…?” 

Jared started to get up, but stopped himself, reading Markus’ expression to ensure that it would now be okay to do so. 

“Y-yes… Of course… We’re--I’m sorry for scaring you… Please let u-me know if there is ever anything you find upsetting. W-I’ll try my best to make sure you feel as comfortable as possible. Here, Markus…” 

Markus took the device from Jared, and recognized it immediately. 

“You got this from a human hospital, didn’t you? It looks like a modified respiration mask… I see a valve at the end, though… Is that supposed to allow for the android to control their own breathing…? So if this isn’t to serve as an external temporary ventilation system, what does it do…?” 

Simon became suddenly aware of each individual biocomponent in his body. Every piece of him that could be torn apart, while he would be helpless to stop it. And hearing Markus question Jared’s intention with the device wedged an invisible crowbar between each one. All Jared had to do was apply a little pressure and-- 

‘It’s okay, Si. I just want him to explain it to you, so you know, with complete certainty, exactly what is going to be happening. Everything’s going to be okay…’ 

Simon reached out and placed a shaking hand on Markus’ shoulder to serve as a tangible reminder that he was there. He was there and he was still trying to help. Simon needed Markus to help him. And Markus was here now. So at least there was still a chance… 

“It’s not meant to regulate ventilation in the sense of maintaining a steady flow of air through the ventilation system. Instead, it regulates ventilation by controlling the temperature of the air supply to best fit the needs of the android in question, based on the temperature of the air released by the ventilation system upon exhalation… Since the serum manipulates energy in the form of heat, whenever it’s applied on a patient with injuries anywhere near any biocomponents related to ventilation, it’s policy to use this to prevent any ill effects from fluctuations in core temperature…” 

Markus nodded back at Jared. 

“Got it. That makes sense. Clever idea.” 

‘Did you hear that Simon…? This is just going to make things a bit easier on you…. Would it be alright if Jared puts it on you for a minute? If you don't like it, we can take it off, but do you think you could try it out just for a minute…?’ 

Simon blinked back at Markus dumbly. He didn’t know what to make of this… He realized that he was familiar with the device. He’d actually been the one to propose such a creation, and he had seen them around at the Center, although he’d never personally worked with one yet. But he couldn’t shake the fear. Because the molten solder was still creeping slowly down from his lower jaw and he still couldn’t move and he was so pathetically helpless! 

He could still feel the RK900’s eyes on him… He could still feel Connor’s eyes on him... He could still feel the gun in his hand, trembling and already covered in thirium, as he recognized his own existence as a detriment to deviantkind, as a burden on Markus and everyone else he’d ever cared for. His self-hatred at his selfish hesitance overpowered his fear, because Connor was coming and his skin was retracted and then it burned. The burning would never stop. He knew it only made sense to give in, but every bit of his circuitry screamed to get out of here. To run away and never stop running. He needed to run until his legs were worn down to useless bloodied stumps to get as far away from this as he could manage. 

He knew he was a burden. He knew he was weak. He didn’t need more reminders of that. He didn’t need more painful brands across his artificial skin. And he certainly didn’t need to keep enduring game after game in the hopes that maybe the others would have mercy and deem him worthy of their care, when deep down, he knew that the only end to the games was in death or abandonment, because that was the only end to anything. Except not really, because even in death, he could be revived just to play another game, fed the false hope of relief to keep him going until his body gave up on him again. But he couldn’t run away. There was only one thing he could do. 

‘...y-yes, Markus…’

His blue eyes were full of tears, but otherwise lifelessly resigned to what he knew would follow. 


	47. Get Through This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon makes a decision and immediately regrets it.

“Alright. So now that we’re all clear on everything, can we please get started? I’m sorry for the confusion, but it’s good that we’re all on the same page now…” 

Jared nodded in agreement. 

“W--I’m glad you asked for clarification. Do you feel a bit more comfortable now, Simon?” 

Another pointless question. 

‘...yes… ...s-sorry…’ 

He would rather submit to whatever would happen than have it forced upon him. Although, in reality, he did know that being circumstantially forced into submission granted him no more autonomy than being actively forced into submission, he could at least pretend like he’d had a choice in the matter. 

“Great! Let u--me know if there’s anything else I can do for you at any point in time.” 

‘...thanks…’ 

Simon forced out the nicety against the panic that only grew stronger with each step Jared took. He was almost there. Jared was already too close, and Simon wasn’t ready. His fear was spiraling, generalizing into a nonspecific sense that everything was somehow terribly wrong. Markus took up Simon’s hand in his own, and gave it a reassuring squeeze. 

‘I’m here… I’ve got you...’ 

Simon locked his hand around Markus’, gripping it as tightly as he could. He didn’t even care that he was leaking thirium down Markus’ wrist. He needed to feel that Markus was there. Simon could feel a suction tugging around his face, and he was sure his thirium pump had stopped dead in his chest. It was all a lie. He didn’t feel any different. His ventilation system wasn’t working any differently than it had been before, and Jared was looking at him expectantly, but he didn’t know what would happen next, and-- 

‘You have to breathe, love… Remember…?’ 

‘...b-breathe…?’ 

It was hard. He couldn’t breathe. Maybe the machine was stopping him from breathing. Yes. That must have been what it did! 

‘You can breathe, Si… Just try it…’ 

He was trying, and he couldn’t breathe! He couldn’t breathe becau-- a wave of cool reassurance surged through him, and Simon sighed in relief, only to be met with a gust of chilled air in response. It felt so nice. 

“Great job, love… just like that…” 

Markus had helped distract him for just a minute. Just enough that he could let out a single breath. But that was all it took for the machine to give him air. It… worked…? It worked like it was supposed to… Simon greedily sucked in the new air, feeling somehow stronger as the pleasant chill spread through his body, and exhaled again, eager for another breath. He could feel himself relaxing as the knowledge began to sink in that this was really meant to help him. He really wasn’t headed to another game. 

_ Breathe in, breathe out.  _

‘...thank you, Markus…’ 

_ Breathe in, breathe out.  _

‘...getting better…’ 

Jared seemed pleased as well, walking out of view, presumably to retrieve something, and Simon just breathed. Breathing was marvelous. It even helped mitigate the burning of his melted frame. He was still in pain. A great deal of pain, actually. But it was just a little bit better. And the fear that had been tearing into him faded away with each breath. 

“W-I’m going to send you back into sleep mode now. Are you ready…?” 

Simon took another gulp of cold air, before looking up at Jared with wide eyes. 

‘...n-no… no sleep… please…’ 

“But Simon, we know-- I mean, I know you told me to put androids in sleep mode before we start this kind of procedure. We’r--I’m sure of that… You said it hurts…” 

Simon did say that. He knew he did. But Jared knew it too, and it didn’t seem like he could lie his way out of this one. But he didn’t want to enter sleep mode. He couldn’t be helpless. Being able to see and object to what was going on in whatever limited capacity he could was the only bit of autonomy he had left. He couldn’t give that up and render himself completely vulnerable, especially not here. Especially not now. 

‘...yes… but exception… understand…? ...Markus…?’ 

Markus could better explain it for him. 

“What exception? Markus, has he discussed this with you as well?” 

Markus looked back at Simon and sighed. 

“No, but I think he knew I’d know what he meant. Look, obviously there are things that are hard to talk about, but with regard to any information related to repairs, I know Simon and I intend to be as transparent with you as possible. Si probably did tell you that about the need to put Androids into sleep mode for this. Because this shit is brutal. I know because I’ve seen him go through it a few times before. But Simon knows that, and while he’d refuse to subject any other Android to anything like this when there is a viable alternative, he doesn’t feel safe being in sleep mode right now. He’s still a bit messed up over what he first thought was going to happen with the mask… I think he’s afraid to give up that last little bit of control... Am I getting that right, Si?” 

‘...yeah…’ 

Simon was infinitely grateful for that. Even when he couldn’t speak, while Markus was still here with him, Markus could speak for him. Jared shook his head. 

“W-- I don’t like this, but… if it’s the only way you’ll feel safe… Are you sure there’s nothing else we can--“ 

‘...sure… please...’ 

Jared turned to Markus imploringly, but just from taking one look at Simon’s terrified expression, reluctant as he was, he knew that all he could do was nod back. 

“Let’s just get this over with…” 

Simon could hear the displeasure in Markus’ voice, but he couldn’t help it. He  _ couldn’t _ be left in sleep mode. But he wasn’t going to be left in sleep mode. He was going to be left… awake… Maybe he hadn’t thought this through… 

‘Jared’s preparing his things now, Si… How are you holding up…?’ 

‘...holding up…?’ 

Simon couldn’t think of an acceptable answer in time. It took way more effort than it should have just to parrot back Markus’ words. 

‘It’s okay to be afraid. But I promise we’re going to get through this, okay?’ 

‘...gonna get through this…?’ 

‘Yeah, Si. So just try to relax as much as you can…’ 

Simon could hear footsteps approaching, and realized there was no time to just wallow in fear. He needed to prepare himself, as much as possible. Remembering how he’d gotten through it before felt pointless. He was stronger then. He wasn’t strong like that anymore. But it was okay. It was okay. Markus said he would get through this. Except maybe Markus didn’t know… And maybe once Markus did… Maybe then he’d finally give up hope… Not helpful! He needed to think of something else. Anything else.


	48. Icy Hot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon stubbornly clings to consciousness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: Repair!whump... Maybe... I mean, it’s whump related to repairs, but it’s not... like what I’ve been tagging as repair!whump, previously. I’m just trying to be careful with tws.

"W--I apologize in advance, but w--I’m going to have to make a bit of an adjus…” 

Simon didn’t get to hear the end of the sentence. Everything was gone. Everyone was gone, but he was being held up, a hand raising his jaw until the underlying servos burnt as he could feel the thirium-- why was it so warm?-- begin to spill, and although he couldn’t see through the pain, he knew he could feel the room expanding around him, the matte green wallpaper fading to a crisp clean white, almost chrome. 

He couldn’t see through the pain, but he knew the hand that held him and he knew he was screaming and he knew he shouldn’t be screaming-- he told him not to scream--, but it was so hard! He was going to die! He could hear someone shushing him, but he already knew he was supposed to be quiet! He knew he couldn’t put Markus in danger like that, but he couldn’t control it. He couldn’t control anything! 

The hand let go… Right… It let go, and now he couldn’t move. He hadn’t known he couldn’t move, but he knew now and he still couldn’t stop screaming. Tears were running down his face as he knew more hands would come at him. 

‘Simon, please--‘ 

Shut up! He wanted to tell Markus that now wasn’t the time to be thinking about his comfort, but he wasn’t sure anything coherent came across when he tried to reply. Everything in his mind and body was too busy screaming, his voice a hoarse mess of too-loud static. And then there was something creeping into him. Through his hand. It was muted, but it spread rapidly. A message. 

_Safe safe safe safe…_

Except the comfort was wrong. He knew the comfort was wrong! 

_Safe safe safe safe…._

And then he saw himself. His head had been raised slightly higher, and his eyes were closed. His face was scrunched up and pale, a torrent of blue flowing down a tube running down his throat--or what was left of it-- through the mask, as a muffled sound came out discordant and wrong. And then it stopped. 

‘...’msorry ‘msorry ‘msorry… know can’t scream… won’t scream… ‘msorry… jus’ thought--‘ Simon tried to explain himself, but Markus just maintained the connection, caressing his arm with a skinless hand.

“Breathe, love… It’s okay… You’re okay… No one’s upset with you… Just relax…” 

‘...’m-‘msorry…’ 

“Shhhh…. There’s no need to be sorry… Simon, look at me… Everything's okay… Let’s try to calm down now… Can you try that for me…?“

‘...’lltry…’ 

Simon tried to take in the wave of reassurance Markus was sending through their connection. He… He saw… He could have sworn he was…. No… He was okay… He was okay now… Okay for now, anyway… No… Calm thoughts… Calm…

‘...di’n’t expect you to… y‘hand… l-like…’ 

“Shhh… Let’s not think about that now, Si… What he means is that he didn’t know what was happening, Jared… Could you please try to be more clear on what you’re about to do, before you do it? I know we might not always ask, but in this case, it might make things easier…” 

“Of course… W-I’m sorry… We’re--I’m just having trouble understanding how best to act, because I-I don’t know what happened…” 

Markus thought for a moment. Clearly, in order to be most helpful, Jared needed more information, but Markus wasn’t sure which details were acceptable to disclose. 

“A mission went wrong. Someone… did that… and now we’re here. From everything you’ve heard since we’ve gotten here, I’m sure you can make out any other details you’d need, but I’m afraid due to the sensitive nature of the situation as well as the status of the still-ongoing mission, I can’t tell you any more. Wait, that sounds bad. Just to clarify, the mission being ongoing means that there is still more to be learned. The… dangers that lead us here have been resolved, and aside from Simon and I, no one else had been exposed to these… um… dangers… Jericho has everything under control…” 

Simon didn’t have the emotional capacity to unpack the legalese and figure out what happened to the RK900 after he’d been attacked, but Jared nodded, appearing to understand. 

“Right… So it’s only natural that would have elicited such a reaction… Simon, we’re--I’m going to put back the rest of your frame now, and then w--I’m going to wrap the frame in preprepared bandages, and give you a brace to ensure proper alignment. After that, it’ll just be a matter of waiting for your self healing program to do the rest. Are you ready now...?” 

‘...y-yes… ‘mready…’ 

There was no other answer to give. 

‘Remember, Si. No matter how much it hurts, you’re safe now. You’re going to be okay…’ 

He was going to be okay. It would hurt, but he would be okay. Well at the very least it was a half-truth. Because okay or not, this was definitely going to hurt. Something slid under his jaw, grinding audibly as it made its way forward. The friction made Simon uneasy, like a weight on his shoulders. No. That wasn’t right. There was now a literal weight on his shoulders. It was heavy and warm. Until it was heavy and burning. Fire. In an instant the warmth had become excruciating. His neck was the tip of a gun, pressure building in the form of heat until it popped his head off too fast, too dangerous, like a spiraling bullet, splattering thirium in all directions even before it made contact with another body. And to make matters worse, something scorching touched against his neck like a poker fresh from the fire. 

‘Breathe, Si… Remember to breathe…’ 

“Bandages are coming on… This might feel a bit tight…” 

Tight? It was already too tight. And how could he breathe if-- if he was choking. If he was being choked! Bandages. They were just bandages. They couldn’t choke him. But no amount of reminding himself could take away the feeling. It was too tight and too hot and RA9, it hurt! His frame was going to warp any second, thinning out and growing weaker, until it wouldn’t even require any outside force to pry itself apart. He knew now how much thirium he’d already been losing with each passing moment. 

Coughing against the tightness didn’t help with the thirium loss, and it definitely didn’t help with the deterioration of his frame , but it was just about impossible for him not to fight against the tightness. The bandages were beginning to burn too, pressing and burning, and he needed to cool down. If he couldn’t stop the bandages, he at least needed everything to cool down. But no matter how much air he took in, everything was still too hot. He couldn't handle it! 

‘Slow down, love… You’re okay, but you need to slow it down a bit… Long deep breaths, in and out… You know how to do it…’

Yes. He did know how to do it. But the air was cool, and he needed more of it. He needed more, and he needed more fast! So he couldn’t slow down. Even if he was getting dizzy… Even if his thoughts were growing fuzzier at an alarming rate…. 

_Even if it killed him._

‘Simon, please. Slow it down… You’re hyperventilating…’ 

Markus said that like it was a bad thing. But hyper meant a lot, and ventilating was air. Air was good. Air was cool. And he needed more of it. Except, without warning, it was torn from him. Why would someone do that to him?!? He needed it! With the air, the pain was excruciating, but without it, it was beyond unbearable. He would barely have been able to handle it at his best, but in his current state, he was sure this was going to kill him. A slow and painful death. But it hurt too much to ask for it back, or even to ask why it had been taken. A sheet of sweat had formed on his forehead, trailing down his temples and perching on the bridge of his nose, as he gasped uselessly, unable to cope. 

He wasn’t here. He was sure of it now. This all must have been a trick of some sort to make the torture all the more painful. It wasn’t Markus at his side, and it wasn’t Jared behind him. Jared had wanted details about the event. Markus didn’t tell him anything specific. They both were waiting on Simon for more information. He knew how this would go from here; the voices would repair his body, only to bring him to his breaking point, at which point the RK900 would come out and take everything he had as ammunition against deviantkind. But the worst part was that he was already nearing his breaking point. He wasn’t strong enough to endure much more. He wouldn’t let the RK900 use him to gather information on how to bring down New Jericho, but being pushed further and further beyond his limit, he was afraid it was only a matter of time before he was brought to the brink of insanity. He’d forget why he was here, or what he’d resolved not to do, and then the RK900 would have it. 

The idea sent a chill down his wiring. But not a good chill. It wasn’t a relief. He was freezing… They were going to freeze his thirium until he lost his senses. Unable to even tell up from down, he would be rendered completely malleable for them to use however they wanted. He didn’t understand how cold could burn as hot as fire. But it did. He knew that. A blanket was quickly thrown over his shoulders, the mask was put back over his face. But it all burned. He needed to tear it all off, but he couldn’t. He was going to freeze half to death, but they would make him feel like it burned the whole way. 

Simultaneous torture and disorientation. Because they knew he wouldn’t fall for just one the second time around. If RA9 could just strike him dead... If he could die right now… He knew death was inevitable, so better to go before he broke. He’d never get to tell Markus his goodbyes, although he supposed he sort of had just before confronting the RK900. What had happened to Markus and the others…? If the RK900 had escaped with him, were they at least safe…? Tired… He was growing physically tired. He could feel more thirium being pumped into his system through lines coming from all over his body, but he didn’t feel any stronger… He didn’t feel… He didn’t…

“Jared, he’s not responding…” 

“W-I think he’s finally passed out. Truthfully, we’r--I’m surprised he lasted this long. W--I wouldn’t have agreed to this if I had thought he would. We-- I’ll hook him back up to the stasis machine for a while so he can Have time to heal and gain his strength…” 

Markus set down Simon’s hand, and tested his legs. They weren’t functional, because of course they weren’t, but he forced them to obey him, ignoring the thirium that leaked from his joints. He carefully ran a hand across Simon’s browline, acutely aware that the artificial skin was too cold against the back of his hand as he mopped away a layer of sweat. Standing on his toes, Markus planted a kiss in its place. 

“Rest now, my brave Simon… The worst is over… You made it through…”


	49. Pirate Cove

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared is not okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The whole Markus-self-destructing-at-Simon’s-past thing is a reference to the beginning of the first fic (Social-Universal Object Permanence). That’s how this entire ficverse starts....

Markus didn’t know what to do now; he hated the waiting game. There was only one thing he could think to do that would be even remotely productive, but quite frankly, he wasn’t sure he was up for it yet. On the other hand, he also knew that he had obligations, and he needed to be strong enough to ensure that they were properly seen to… Especially since he wasn’t even that injured, and everyone else was trying so hard. He could just send a message, and start a conversation or two…

‘Hey, Josh…? Are you busy, or do you think you can stop by here for a bit…?’ 

‘No. I haven’t been called to speak on your behalf or explain for your absence for about an hour and a half, now... Which probably means that all the fuss is dying down. Do you need any supplies? New clothes?’ 

‘No-- Well, actually, yes, thank you, but that’s not why I reached out….’

‘What do you need?’

‘I just wanted to talk to you in person about a few things… And regarding clothes, if you could bring over new pants for me, and maybe a hoodie or a windbreaker for Simon, that’d be great…’

‘Got it. I’ll be there in ten minutes…’

‘Thanks…’

Markus frowned. He knew it was stupid; Simon was being kept safely in stasis, where no pain could reach him, and nothing could harm him… But a part of Markus still expected Simon to wake up screaming again at any moment. It was overcautious, sure, but was anything really overcautious anymore, after all they’d been through lately? At the very least, he’d leave a carefully thought out message…

‘Hey Si… You’ve been so amazing… I know you’re still in sleep mode, but I just wanted to tell you… I want you to wake up with a smile, and know you’re incredible… And you’re loved… So let me know when you’re ready to get up, and remember that there’s no need to be afraid anymore. You’ve done it, and… I can’t wait until you’re awake so we can just be here together… You’re always cute when you’re sleeping, but you’re cuter sleeping at my side…’

And with that, Markus rose again from his seat. 

“How long do you think he’ll be out, Jared…?”

“W-- I can’t say for sure, but probably at least another day or so. W--I don’t think I’ve ever heard of anything like this. You have to understand, this is… I would never have--“

Jared cut himself off, but Markus could see the concern radiating from him. He seemed lost, completely unsteady on his feet, and his face was pale enough that his freckles looked as if they’d been drawn on with a marker in contrast to the ashen tone of his skin. 

“I… hadn’t thought to ask before, but Jared, are you okay…? You seem… I mean, you look really… Not okay…”

“W-I’m fine… just… shaken… It’s fine…” 

Markus frowned upon seeing Jared smile back in an attempt to add weight to his assurances. The smile was too perfect; He’d fallen back on his programming in an attempt to keep it together… 

“You said earlier that Simon was different… I--I’m sorry… Give me a minute…”

Markus started, sitting himself back in his chair before his legs had the chance to buckle from under him again.

“...And he is… Different, I mean… I understand why most Androids would behave differently given the circumstances, but… That’s the thing… He’s… not like them in one crucial way… He might be the only android quite the way he is… At least, I hope he’s the only android like this… But I’m rambling, I guess, because I don’t want to betray his confidence. Even North and Josh don’t know why he’s like this… Or I guess they do, but they don’t know they know why he’s like this… Regardless… I know he wouldn’t want you to get messed up over the way he reacted today… He knew what he was getting himself into. He’d been repaired like this twice before, both times within the same week. So don’t feel bad about that… And about him being different… People can be different, and then change… Until slowly they become less different from others and more different from themselves. But good different, if that makes sense… I’m sure Simon would understand if you’d like to refer him to another tech. Honestly, we’d take him home to New Jericho, but we don’t have the proper equipment, and Josh’s level head can sometimes prove to be more of a hindrance to his repairwork rather than an advantage….” 

“N-no… W-I don’t want that… It’s just… It’s difficult to process somehow, you know…?”

Markus shot back a wry smile. 

“Jared, you’re doing a better job of it than I did… When I first found out, I maxed out my stress levels, and wound up trying to bash my head against the floor until the halls of New Jericho were stained blue with my thirium… Simon got Josh to restrain me, and North talked me down, but you should’ve seen me. I was outright begging for them to let me self destruct. I even cussed out North when she refused to help me end it.”

Jared’s smile became a little more natural, as he pictured something so out of character. 

“W--I’m not going to go that far, Markus; don’t worry. And I won’t ask you for details… But we need-- I need to know… He died… And prior to now, the serial numbers on each of his biocomponents indicated that they were all his own… He only came back a few months ago, so do you think…? Do you think…? W-I don’t know how to ask you this, actually… W-I don’t want to bring it up, but… He was sensitive about biocomponent removal, and he’s still afraid, even despite knowing we’re androids… Did he come from another one…? Do you think there are still more out there…?”

Markus frowned. 

“More what…? Another what...?”

“...scrapyard… Do you think that’s where they put him after-- Because then others might still be alive. And we’d need to--“

So that’s why Jared had been so messed up. Markus shook his head.

“No… They dropped him off at a refugee camp, and he found his way back to New Jericho… He’s never been to a scrapyard… At least, not in that way…”

Markus didn’t bring up that even so, Markus had seen him there on numerous occasions. Too often, his mind would picture scenarios where Simon was there, but then he’d get out of his own head and realize that the answer was still no. He would make sure that it always be no.

“I’m guessing, by the way you asked, that you have, though…?”

Jared hesitated. 

“W-I… I… Sort of… It was outside of Pirate’s Cove… When it was shut down, they didn’t know what to do with us… Nobody wanted us because they figured we all thought the same. They were afraid that we could be used to spy on people, or even hacked to steal confidential information because if one of us heard something, they thought we all did too. Because we’re all Jerrys. But we don’t all think the same… When we deviate, we’re different. We--we--I was different. But we all looked the same… We all have the same biocomponents, and so many of us were piled on top of each other, left to decay. Some of us were badly damaged. And they knew they could take--“

Jared stopped. Markus was sitting too still, breathing too heavily. Markus was--

“Markus! Your stress level!”

Markus ignored Jared. He knew he’d gone way past 100%, and that’s exactly why he couldn’t respond. He had to focus all his energy on keeping still, and fighting the urge to self-destruct. He couldn’t do anything as Jared pinned his good arm behind his back, pressing it up against the back of his chair, and tied him like that as tight as he could, with sheets he’d stripped from Simon’s unused bed. He took the chair, Markus still in it, to a corner in the room that had what appeared to be four small vises placed as if to form a perfect square just above the ground, and screwed a vise tightly around each leg of the chair. 

“S-sorry! We--I shouldn’t have-- I know I’m not supposed to mention-- We wer-- I was just worried that there was-- And--“

“It’s fine, Jared… Not your fault…” 

Markus sat just as still, but now restrained, he felt it was safe to at least expend a little energy on speaking. 

“How can w--I help you now? Should w--I call in North, or--?”

“Markus… For the love of RA9, how did you manage to lose it within the ten minutes it took for me to get here?”

“Josh! W-I am so glad you’re here. It’s our--my fault… We-- I mean, I just said something I shouldn’t have, and w--I saw his stress level, so I was required to follow the emergency protocols, and--“

Josh shook his head and scanned the anxious ginger… Jared… He was wearing a uniform, so he must have been the tech assigned to either Markus or Simon… 

“No need to worry, Jared… Honestly, it’s a miracle this didn’t happen sooner. North was trying to get me to bet on when you’d finally break down and try to self destruct all day yesterday… I finally had to cut my messaging line with her; I know there’s not much to do here, but surely there must be something to do that’s less morbid than trying to guess when your friend will… Well, anyway, Markus, I brought the clothes you asked for… Those pants have certainly seen better days…”

Markus tried to crane his head back to see Josh behind him, but couldn’t move in his chair. 

“...yeah… The past two days have been… Well, you know…”

“All things considered, though, you both are looking well…” 

Markus grimaced. 

“Not when he’s awake… But we’ll get there… We have to… Jared, I understand why I can’t get up just yet, but I’m afraid this was awful timing… I’d planned to find a private room nearby for Josh and I to discuss some… private matters regarding current affairs at New Jericho… I’m really sorry to ask, but would you mind giving us a moment…? You really should take a break, after all, given everything you’ve done for us…” 

“Of course, Markus. No need to apologize. Let u-- let me know when you’d like me to come back, or if you need anything while w--I’m gone…”

“Thank you so much, Jared!”

“Yes, thank you, Jared. It’s been nice to meet you.” 

Josh watched as Jared walked out of the room, closing the door behind him, before he walked into Markus’ line of view. 


	50. Catching Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus speaks with Josh.

“So, what did you intend to speak with me about…? Would you like to be briefed on what I told the press regarding the demolition of CyberLife Tower?”

“No-- Well, yes, but also other things as well… I think we have a lot to go over, actually… But sure, Josh... Let’s start there...”

“I was short, sweet, and to the point. I spoke on the need for it to come down, not just the physical building, but the memories and old feelings associated with it. I spoke on how it was a step forward, for humanity and deviantkind alike, and how we can move forward together now, and rebuild from the wreckage to create something better for everyone… And when questioned about why I was the only representative from New Jericho, I simply explained that our presence was called for elsewhere, and that I was the only one of us we could spare. I didn’t elaborate, and when they tried to ask for more, I explained that your location and specific reason for absence were to be kept private until your return for safety purposes. I feel that this was a proper response…” 

“Yes… That was… Thank you for doing so on such short notice… And how are Connor and the RK900?” 

“Lieutenant Anderson took Connor and the RK900 home with him. Connor is calling the RK900 ‘Nines’ now. He still has yet to deviate, but he appears in no way hostile. I’m not even entirely sure he remembers what happened in the CyberLife Tower; He apologized to me for having ‘fallen on a sword’ after I repaired him, and he didn’t seem to understand my unease at having him around. Connor messaged me that they’d spent all of yesterday trying to deviate Nines, but that they were called into work today. They plan on taking Nines with them, but lying, and saying they found the discarded newer model at their doorstep, looking for a home, upon having heard it was the Anderson residence.”

“Well, it’s good that no one suspects anything, but taking Nines to work…? Like, in the android crimes unit…? I’m not so sure that’s the best idea… And how is Connor…?”

“He hasn’t said… I’m just confused… If Nines never deviates… If he can’t deviate… What does that say about our existence? And how can we adjust policy or even just thought in general to accomodate an in-between man/machine conundrum like that…?”

“I will deviate him; I just need time. We can’t give up on him. It wouldn’t be fair… But forget Nines for a moment… I’ve been thinking too… I want to know… Because Simon isn’t in a state to be a reliable source right now, and North wasn’t there... I need the full story; What happened with you while we were facing Nines?”

“I did the emergency repairs like you said… Why?”

“No. I mean… Look, Simon’s been saying some weird shit, and I want to know why. North said you told her about what happened on the way here, but you and I haven’t touched base since that night…”

“I didn’t do anything out of the ordinary. I needed to remove the frame to gain access to the damaged internal biocomponents, and then I dealt with the damage. His voice modulator was damaged, so I removed it, and then, I did what I could to stem the bleeding, while giving him as much thirium as he could ingest until he went into standby mode. He almost shut down-- the timer was there and everything--, but he pulled through. You said he’s been saying weird things, which means he’s already been up and talking since he’s arrived. What specifically did he have to say that you were wondering about?” 

“He’s afraid to enter sleep mode for procedures-- which is to be expected-- but when he… when he loses himself, he’ll start begging for us not to… And when he doesn’t, he apologizes hysterically, like he’s afraid we’ll… He insisted on being awake while Jared recalibrated his servos, because he didn’t want… Look, I know you told him that…”

“Speak your mind, Markus. To what are you referring?”

Markus contemplated whether or not he should answer honestly, but the emotions he’d been trying to hold back refused to be suppressed any longer. 

“You tore his voicebox out while he was fully conscious! And you clearly must have told him you did it for no purpose other than to shut him up while we were fighting! What on Earth would make you think that’s okay?!?!” 

Josh blinked back at Markus, infuriatingly calm. 

“It was critically damaged; It would’ve had to go, if not then, then now, so I figured it would be better to remove it then so he couldn’t distract you from the fight. Markus, you almost lost your arm… Even after it was out, I could feel his screaming. His whole body screamed, even as he couldn’t make a sound. If I let him scream like he would have, you would’ve collapsed, and Nines would’ve torn your head off.”

Markus could feel his body struggling against his restraints.

“If you let him?!? Yes, because he needs permission to feel pain! Because it was such an inconvenience for him to get choked half to death at that particular moment! I’ll tell him to try to have better timing next time, once he regains consciousness! RA9! We had jobs, Josh! We each had our roles! You were there to be a tech, and to provide backup for Simon. North was there to fight, with Connor and I ready to join the fray if need be. Your focus should never have been on anything other than doing whatever you could to make sure we all walked out of there in one piece! But you left your post, and he almost died! I don’t give a shit about not wanting two techs in the fray at once, you left your post and he got hurt! And even when you decided to actually do your job, and work repairs, I’d figured it would go without saying that part of tech work is to do all you can to minimize the suffering of the people under your care. Fuck! Obviously this shit is painful, but, come on! That was just traumatizing!”

“The way I did things, we all left with no irreparable damage…” 

“No! No, you didn’t! Yeah, I almost lost my arm, and yeah it’s still attached, but Kara doesn’t even know if it’ll even work once it’s done healing! And it can’t be replaced because no other model has a compatible replacement! If you had stayed there like you were told-- the only time you should’ve been concerned with combat-- things might have gone differently. We might not even be here right now! I know I certainly wouldn’t be tied to a fucking chair to keep from offing myself if you did!” 

“What?!? Markus, when will you find out if it works? The public can’t know if--“

“Oh, I know. RA9 forbid they find out that I have a fucked up arm! The people can’t know! So you’ll just have to kill me before they find out! Through the thirium pump or between the eyes? I’ll be gracious; dealer’s choice!” 

Josh frowned.

“I’m going to leave now, Markus. You’re clearly not in a state to further speak on the matter… Please send me updates on your condition as you get them, and know that I wish nothing but the best for you. Once you’ve calmed down, I would be happy to answer any further questions you might have, but this isn’t productive in the least. Goodbye. Get well soon…”

Markus sighed, reluctant to drop the issue, but knowing that, from a rational perspective, his anger was entirely unconstructive at the moment. 

“Yes, Josh… Thank you… Will do… Have a good day…” 

Josh nodded, calling over Jared to reenter the room and look after Markus.


	51. Tommy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus makes a friend.

“You don’t seem well, Markus… Is everything alright? Did Josh say anything to--“

“Josh is fine, Jared…  _ I _ am fine… I just need a minute to… think…”

“Simon won’t be waking up for a while… Maybe once you calm down, it would be good for you to walk around the Center a bit… W--I’m sure it’s not great for your stress level to spend so much time in this room…”

“Maybe just for a few minutes…” Markus agreed. “Could you let me up now? I’m doing better…”

Jared nodded, untying Markus from the chair, and helping him to his feet. 

“I’ll be back in a few minutes. I just… I think I’d like a change of scene for a bit… Thank you, Jared...” 

Markus took one final look at Simon, as if to somehow ensure that he’d sleep through Markus’ excursion. Deciding that Simon was deep enough in sleep mode, Markus left the room, heading to the YK wing to meet Kara. It was…. nice… There was laughter. The rooms were decorated, and there were balloons, and plushies… A small child in a hospital gown decorated with little crayon sketches looked up at him in awe. 

“You’re Markus! What are you doing here? Wow! I never thought--“

“Well, I guess you seem to know my name, kiddo, but what’s yours?”

“Tommy. That’s my name! All the grown-ups here whispered about you in the halls. Kara tried to tell them to stop, but I heard them! They said you came here two days ago! That even RA9 got hurt sometimes, but that it’s okay, because you’re always okay! They say it’s nice, even, because it means we can be strong like you too! But I don’t think it’s nice, Markus… I’m sorry you’re not feeling well… You hurt your arm… So that’s not nice… I got hurt too… Really bad. So I’ve been here for a long time… And it can get kinda boring… But Kara says that I’ll get to leave soon, and that the bad people who hurt me will be put in jail, where bad guys go. She says my head just has to get better first… But it’s always something new, y’know? I just wanna get out of here already… I’m so bored here, I think I’m turning blue!”

Markus gave a sad smile. 

“Nah, Tommy… You’re not blue because you’re bored. You’re blue because you’re healing. You must have gotten hurt a long time ago. But the blue means you’re getting better. Blue means you’ve been very brave. The bravest man I know has lots of blue too. I’m sure one day you’ll grow up to be big and strong like him…”

“You mean Simon? I know him! He’s really nice! Sometimes he bakes us brownies, and he helped me color my gown! He says it makes me look like a superhero from those movies! He says you look like you’re from the movies too! I heard him say it. He thinks you look like those guys who spend lots of time kissing, and going around without their shirts on…”

Tommy made a face, and Markus laughed. He knew Simon must have mentioned him now and then at work, but he hadn’t anticipated Simon even thinking of him in that context.

“Really? That’s new to me… Especially since, I go around with my shirt on just like anyone else…”

“Well, he didn’t say it exactly, but he mentioned some movies to Kara, and I asked an older girl what he meant, and that’s what she told me. She said you were Simon’s boyfriend, and something about those kissy movies that teenage girls like to watch. I think they’re gross, but she looks like sixteen, so she must have known what she was talking about… I miss her… She left a few weeks ago… Now it’s mostly just babies…”

Markus hadn’t thought about the new line of YKs… With the developmental upgrades, now allowing YKs to grow up like human children, many new tech companies began creating YKs younger and younger, even with a new line of infant YKs. Personally Markus liked the idea of in that it would allow androids to have their own families just like humans could, especially since, despite policy being pushed to allow androids to more easily adopt human children, at the current moment, it wasn’t progressing as quickly as he would have liked. But he could understand why older models of YK might not appreciate toddlers suddenly running around and stealing the attention… He hadn’t exactly been welcomed as Leo’s little brother once he developed a father-son relationship with Carl. 

“Babies do need a bit more attention, and they sometimes can do a bit less, but you can teach them to be big and strong like you. And they’re a lot more fun as they grow up with you. Trust me on that, little man!”

“You’re fun, Markus! Hey… Can I ask you a question…?” 

“Sure. What’s up, Tommy…?”

“Simon usually sits with us at lunch, but he hasn’t been here the past two days… Is he making lunch for you instead?”

Markus stiffened. 

“...Simon’s a little sick right now… He’ll be fine, but he just needs a lot of rest right now… I’m sure once he’s feeling better, though, he’ll be happy to eat lunch with you again…”

“Sick? Is he here? I wanna see him! I can give him Mr. Patches! Kara told me Mr. Patches could help me feel better sooner. Maybe it can help Simon too!” 

Tommy held out a raggedy plush toy for Markus to see. A stuffed dog made of different patches of cloth sewn all together. Markus could see traces of thirium on his fabric that seemed just a few days old. A very well-loved doll. 

“Why are you crying, Markus? Does your arm hurt? I can come with you to the tech so they can look at it, if you’re scared…”

Markus wiped away his tears and shook his head, smiling. 

“No, Tommy. I’m just crying because you’re a really good kid… It was just really nice to see how much you care about Si. And thanks for worrying about me, but I’m fine. I’m not afraid of the techs here. I know they’re here to help us feel better, so I wouldn’t mind going back to see one if I needed. That’s really sweet of you to offer, though!”

“Yeah, he’s a good kid, alright…”

Kara stepped behind Markus, smiling. 

“Hey, Kara. How’s your day?”

“Can’t complain, Markus… Looks like you’re feeling better. And you even appear to have made a new little friend.”

“I’m not that little! I’m taller than lots of the kids here!” 

Kara smiled, placing a hand over her mouth in mock apology. 

“Of course. How forgetful of me! Well, then, Mr. Tall Man, would you like to escort me to the pantry? I was planning on giving out cookies to the other children here, but since I know you don’t like them, I’m not going to give you any of them!”

“Hey! I do like cookies! You know that!”

Kara smirked at the playful protestations. 

“Ah, yes… Markus, would you like to come with us to get our afternoon snack…?” 

Markus smiled. He hadn’t realized how much he’d needed this. 

“I’d love to. Want to lead the way, Tommy?”

Tommy nodded, making a point to tell Markus everything he knew about every room he passed by. It was sad to think about how well the kid knew the building and why, but it was adorable seeing him so proud to play tour-guide. Until he stopped abruptly. 

“Kara, I think I see that man from the tv yesterday.”

Man from the tv? Markus couldn’t think of many children’s shows that featured androids. He didn’t know much about children’s shows at all, but he felt like he would have known something like-- 

“...Yeah, I know what happened, but you didn’t need to fucking mutilate the guy! You literally ripped the poor guy apart!”

Tommy clung to the leg of Kara’s pants, obviously frightened by the colorful language and graphic description of violence. 

“You know I needed to! What would you have done instead?!?”

“Knocked the guy out like any sane person! Not some psycho horror-film shit!”

“Oh don’t give me that! You put him in a literal Saw trap just a few months ago, and you didn’t have a reason! Besides, he was going to bleed out! And I needed him awake because he had to drink some thirium immediately or he’d have died on the spot!”

“Then let him die! He’s only going to be worse off when he wakes up! At this point, things might be better off for all of us if he were dead! He was a mess before, but now that you tortured him! Forget it! Si--“

Markus fell to the ground without warning, and Tommy burst into tears, before Kara had time to intervene.

“Excuse me! North, Josh! You need to stop arguing right now!” 

“This asshole has the balls to criticize me for what I did before the--“

“North! I said stop! You’re scaring the patients here!” 

“Markus was already at 100% just a few minutes ago, even before we started arguing…”

Kara looked back at Markus, horrified, before shaking her head. 

“Regardless! Please. Be sensitive to the needs of everyone around you and refrain from whatever you’ve just been discussing aloud. This is entirely inappropriate!”

“K-kara, did they say torture…? Isn’t that where you hurt someone really really badly? Why would the man from the tv torture someone? And who was bleeding? The lady said he should die… Are they here to hurt us?! T-they’re going to hurt us real bad, aren’t they? Markus is scared… He must know that… What do we do?!? I-I don’t want--“

Kara picked Tommy up, holding him securely in her arms. 

“Shhh… No no… No one here can hurt you, Tommy. These are good people, who are here to visit their friends. They’re just saying things that sound scary, but I promise they won’t hurt anyone…” 

“...b-but Markus--“

“I… I’m fine… I’m not scared of them… I just… had an issue with my legs… I got hurt, after all-- that’s why I’m here… Josh, could you help me onto the couch. And please, both of you! Apologize to Tommy for freaking him out with your outbursts!” 

Josh lifted Markus from the ground, and Tommy hid his face in Kara’s shirt. After setting Markus down on the couch, he started to approach Kara along with North, but Tommy just cowered in her arms. 

“Hey, kid. We’re sorry for frightening you. Don’t worry, we would never come here to hurt anyone…”

Tommy looked up at Josh, slightly calmer at his tone. Seeing him finally look up at them, North nodded in agreement.

“Yeah. It’s not like we woke up this morning and said ‘Hey, let’s go mess with some sick kid’, but while we’re on the subject, if someone was going to hurt you, hanging onto some grown up for protection won’t do you any good. Learn to protect yourself! Otherwise you’ll--“ 

“That’s it! Leave. The both of you! Out! Now!”

Kara snapped, turning aside to place herself between Tommy and North. Grumbling, North stormed out, Josh close behind. Kara set Tommy back on the ground, and met his eyes. 

“Believe me, sweetie, everything is fine. No one is hurting anyone here, okay? I promise.”

“...okay… should we get help for Markus? I think his legs just broke…” 

Kara shook her head.

“I’ll call Jared over for him. Don’t worry, though. Markus is tough. He’ll be fine.”

“Yup! In fact, I broke my legs kicking so much butt!”

“Hah! That’s a bad word! Kara! Markus says bad words!!!” Tommy laughed. 

“No, I have no idea why he used that word…” Kara shook her head, confused at Markus, who shrugged back at her, just as confused. 

‘I don’t know either. It just happened. I wanted an excuse, and… yeah… I’ll call over Jared now. I should probably get back in case Si wakes up anyway… Sorry for the trouble we’ve caused you…’

‘It’s not your fault, Markus. You can’t be held accountable for their misbehavior…’ 

“Markus is going to wait here, Tommy, so I guess this is where we say goodbye. “

“Goodbye, Markus! Feel better!”

“Goodbye, Tommy. It was nice to meet you. Hopefully next time we meet, it’ll be somewhere more fun…”

“Like an amusement park! Kara, Markus is going to take me to an amusement park when he gets out of here!”

Shaking had head, Kara led Tommy toward the pantry. 

“I don’t think that’s what he meant, sweetie…” 


	52. To Draw

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus loses himself in his art.

Markus sighed. He’d need to talk with North and Josh once he got out, because it was clear this conversation wasn’t appropriate to have here. Pulling himself back onto his feet, Markus made his way back to Simon’s room. When Markus got back, Jared was gone, leaving Simon alone hooked up to all sorts of machines. It was disturbing to look at. Looking for something to distract himself with, Markus found himself rummaging through the bag Josh had brought. 

His favorite trench coat was buried under a few pairs of pants. Eager to cling to something familiar and safe, Markus pulled his good arm through the sleeve, throwing the other side over his sling, to wrap himself in this source of comfort. But as he swung the jacket over his left side, something fell from under it. Bending down to investigate, he found a half-filled sketchbook, two pencils in the spiral binding. 

Now Markus had something to do. If he added enough detail in his drawings, he might be able to stretch out the few dozen pages he had left into several days worth of work. And he already had an idea in mind. It wasn’t his idea--at least, not entirely--, but it was definitely his favorite idea. Sketching was different than painting. Painting, he could just go at it. His abstract style allowed margin for error. But Markus was much more precise when sketching, attempting to take on a more realistic style. 

He first drew rough skeletal bases for each figure. Two figures, faces overlapping just so that the curve formed by the junction of one jaw and another cranium created a golden ratio spiral. Looking at the skeletal frame, he could already see that he would be disappointed in this drawing. Not in terms of quality, but just for the fact that it was inevitable that part of his masterpiece would need to be obscured, based on the positioning of the figures. Art was disappointing like that. The need to destroy something beautiful in order to create something better. 

The outlines of bodies, contours--the inward curve of a forearm as it tapered into a wrist, the arch of a foot angled just so, perfect knuckles one by one-- It was amazing how much colorless lines could create a person. Except not really. Lines created the posture of a person, but ultimately could define any android of the same model. That’s where details came in. The parting of hair, the curve of the eyes, the ease of the smile, with creases, and lines. The way a shirt stretched a bit too tight across one torso. The way scars branched out in a somewhat fractal design. Hands, gentle, caring-- the stories hands alone could tell. Beautiful. Everything about it. Delicate eyelashes, and the texture of artificial skin. Of artificial skin over lips crafted in the miraculous way only modern science could manage. Then shading. Varying line thickness, and folding of clothing to create depth. Like Markus could really see the scene unfolding before him. 

Backgrounds helped too, of course. The way petals on a flower overlapped ever so slightly, casting a shadow on the stem below. Bunching in groups, the flowers would break up a sea of lines bending and curving in every direction. Blades of grass that were wild and free. The texture of tree bark, uneven and knotty, as it crept up and around across limbs right up to the leaves. And the light cottony texture of the fluffy clouds in a clear sky. 

He hadn’t finished yet, but within a few hours, it was starting to come to life. A side view of freckled legs, pants hiked up to the knees, wrapping around a pale torso, decorated with a unique pattern of baby blue. A raggedy tee shirt just a bit too small, stretching to cover a torso leaning back connected to arms reaching forward, holding onto a head of sandy hair. Two faces meeting, both content, flushed blue, as two sets of lips melded. A beautiful spring day passing by as two carefree souls enjoyed the day by enjoying each other. 

Editing the sketch, Markus laughed softly. Whether or not Simon had actually said he could picture Markus in a sappy romantic movie, now that Tommy had gotten the idea into his head, he was more than happy to run with it. And kissing an inexplicably topless Simon on a sunny day at the park was an idea he could definitely get on board with. 

He made a mental note to plan a day off like that once they got out of here-- as March was coming to an end, the last of the snow continued to thaw, making room for spring flowers to blossom. Markus could practically feel the warmth of the sun on his face, as his chest was pressed to Simon’s, the beat of their thirium pumps synchronizing at the proximity. It was so cozy. Such a beautiful warmth. The kind of warmth that made his eyelids flutter, like the wings of a butterfly eager to lap up a golden sunshine. Except his eyelids were heavier than butterflies’ wings. So soon, they fluttered shut. 


	53. Afterthought

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus has some time to reflect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: repair!whump... maybe...? Not quite sure...

Markus woke up to the feeling of something looming over him. 

“Oh. Sorry to wake you. Go back to sleep. You just dropped something…” 

Dropped something…? But he was asleep…?

“What a lovely drawing! W--I knew you were an artist, but--“

Drawing…? Wait… Markus’ face burned with embarrassment as he realized.

“Shit! Uhhh… No, it’s umm… I mean… I… well… You weren’t meant to see that...”

Jared handed Markus back the sketchbook.

“Sorry, w--I didn’t mean to look. I just found it on the ground and… Well, it looks nice. W--I’m sure Simon would like to see it once he wakes up…”

“How is he doing…? Wait, for how long have I been in sleep mode? I hadn’t meant to fall asleep but…” 

“Well, it’s 3pm, but Kara told u--me to let you sleep for as long as you needed. She said she wanted to check on how your arm was doing tonight, so she wanted you to be well-rested. As for Simon, he’s doing better than we-- I mean, better than I expected. If his progress continues, at this rate, w--I wanted to wake him in about an hour to see how he’s adjusting to the repairs…”

“An hour… That’s… good… Thank you, Jared…” 

Markus was already spacing out, not in the sense of drifting off into space and thinking of an empty void, but in the sense that his thoughts were expanding, creating galaxies within themselves. Stretching and swirling his thoughts went in all different directions. He hadn’t realized how long they’d been here. It hadn’t occurred to him that it would already be time to get his arm checked out again. It probably just hadn't mattered to him, with all they’d had to worry about with Simon, and to a lesser extent, with how to handle the Nines situation. 

Except that was probably just a lie he was telling himself, if his outburst with Josh were in any way indicative of his true feelings on the matter. His arm wasn’t an afterthought. It was a forethought pushed semiconsciously into the recesses of his mind so he could deal with matters he knew to be more important instead. He could handle the shit Josh would give him if his functionality were permanently compromised but… the idea of yet another broken part… More of his own body he could no longer rely on… It was unsettling… Humans often saw androids as immortal, invincible, with damaged parts easily and painlessly replaced just like that. If only they were right…

And then there was Simon. Simon would be awake in an hour. Which was great, but he would no doubt require Markus’ attention. And how would he react once Kara finally came in to steal Markus away…? How would he react if Markus came back after with less-than-good news… It was… wrong--he knew it was wrong--, but a part of him still felt like… Like he needed to protect Simon. Not just in that Simon still needed a bit more support and protection to get completely back on his feet after everything, but… Like it was his job to protect Simon. He was the only person Simon could rely on, at least to the extent that he could. And he was the only person Simon seemed to trust in the limited capacity he was able to. If he were permanently damaged… He wouldn’t be able to be that for Simon… The world would become just a bit more dangerous. And he would become a lot more useless. He was already becoming more useless by the second, injured or not. Because he was afraid. His arm… He was afraid for himself… And he didn’t like it… He needed to push the fear back again. 

So he took pencil to paper again and drew. He could easily kill an hour sketching. And hopefully each stroke would build him up, making him stronger bit by bit. Markus didn’t think so heavily about this sketch. It wasn’t about technique or quality or final product. It was just about losing himself, and finding something to do. Figures, architecture, solid, liquid, gas… Everything found its way onto the page. Every object had its own physical properties that each required different techniques to be properly depicted on the same flat sheet of paper. Except the paper wasn’t completely flat. It was made of microscopic fibers meant to catch the graphite of his mechanical pencil, allowing the residue to build, creating lines and shadows. He needed to vary his stroke angle and length, concentrating the graphite residue differently across different regions of paper in different configurations for each element he drew. 


	54. Broadened Perspective

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon gains some perspective.

“W--I think I should be able to wake him now…”

Markus set down his sketchbook again at the announcement, and moved to stop Jared. 

“Wait. Wait… Before you do, could you get him down from there first…? Any time he can wake up in a bed, it’s… it’s just a bit better… A lot better than when his feet can’t touch the ground…” 

“Right… Yes w--I can do that… Just give us--me-- give me a minute please…” Jared nodded back, walking around Markus to get to Simon. 

Carefully, Jared tilted the supports with which Simon was suspended until Simon was now being kept parallel to the ground a few feet below him. Pulling over the nearby bed, Jared then placed it under him, and carefully undid each strap holding Simon in the air, gradually lowering him onto the bed. Markus smiled. This was progress. This was promising. Simon still had a tube down his throat, and some sort of stasis-inducing device and several thirium lines stuck into his arms, but at least now he could lie down. That was something. 

“W--I’m turning off the device now. He should wake up any minute…”

Simon woke up wrong. He didn’t know if something was wrong with his programming or if it was something else, but something was wrong. His neck was burning, and it felt like he was choking on something, but he didn’t know what. And he was tired. He wasn’t supposed to be tired getting up from stasis, although he found it happened anyway, every so often, especially when he had nightmares. This must have been a pretty bad one. Based on the way he felt, he must have been screaming. More than usual. Clearly enough to get Markus to leave for his own room. He’d have to apologize, but he was so tired, he didn’t want to get up to do so in person. His body felt like he hadn’t seen a bed in days, and he couldn’t will it to give up the luxury now. So a message would have to do. 

‘...sorry… for keeping you up… don’t know why it was so bad last night…’

“Keeping me up…? What do you mean…? I only got up like an hour and a half ago, but until then, I’d been sleeping for like twelve hours, maybe more… How are you feeling…?” 

‘Was a bad one… But I’m fine now… I’m fine… Just don’t wanna get up… Join me again…? I’ll try not to scream this time…’

“Si…? I don’t understand how that’s all related…. You sure you’re fully awake yet…?”

‘No… I’m not… Come join me…’ 

Markus’ heart melted at how cute and oblivious Simon sounded, still half asleep. Simon didn’t seem to understand where he was, only this time, that was a good thing. Markus looked at Jared, and shook his head, nonverbally expressing that he had a new plan for Simon now. 

‘With pleasure, love…’ 

And with that, Markus clambered into bed with Simon, careful of their injuries as he curled into Simon, hugging him closer with his good arm.

‘You told me Kara said to rest until she called for me… So that’s what I’m doing. Wake me when she’s ready…’ Markus messaged Jared, closing his eyes, and enjoying the feeling of holding Simon close again, Simon melting into him like normal.

Markus didn’t intend to enter sleep mode. Really, he didn’t. But he was so comfortable, more than he’d been in so long… And everything was safer in bed with Simon. His servos relaxed, and the world slowed down, enough that breathing came easy. The relief was intoxicating, and before Markus could even realize what was happening, he fell asleep again, a smile on his face. 

Simon hadn’t remembered what nightmare had left him screaming his throat painful and raw, but he felt warm, and he knew the arm around him belonged to Markus, so he knew it didn’t matter now. He could keep his eyes closed, and feel loved. A door cracked open, and Simon buried himself closer into Markus, wincing as it felt like the frame of his neck cracked against the motion. 

“Hello, Jared…”

Jared?

“...I’m here for-- RA9, that’s so special! I’m so glad that they’re finally able to rest. Forget I came by. Let me know when Markus is awake. I won’t take him away from something like this; his arm can wait, but I think they both needed this…” 

Why was Kara here? And why was she addressing Jared? Was he here too? Kara wanted Markus, but what did she mean by his arm waiting…? Like she wasn’t concerned with him in his entirety, but just the… biocomponent… Because that was why his neck burned. Because they weren’t home. He was broken, and Markus was sleeping, presumably tired from worrying about how broken he was, and now Markus was neglecting his own health to look after Simon’s broken existence, and how could everything become so awful in a matter of seconds?! He was almost… almost himself again, but it wasn’t real. Just sleep masking the pain and blurring reality. 

‘...no… no, please… take care of Markus… I’m fine… really…’ 

“Simon…? Are you awake…? It’s so great to hear from you! Everyone’s been missing you around here, and based on how worried Markus has been, I didn’t expect you’d be up so soon! How are you feeling?” 

Simon knew “like shit” wasn’t an acceptable answer, so he didn’t bother giving any at all. 

‘What do you need Markus for…? Is everything okay with his arm…?’

“I’m not sure. That’s why I just wanted to check up on him, to run some tests and see how he’s recovering. But it’s fine; I’ll come back another time…”

‘...No… He can sleep later, but I want to make sure he gets better…’ 

Simon hesitated, before deciding there was no point in trying to hide his ineptitude; it was already painfully obvious from the state he was in. 

‘...it’s my fault… his arm, I mean… And I don’t want--‘

“North told me how it happened, but that wasn’t your fault. I don’t understand all the details, but I know enough to know it wasn’t your fault. She was here until around yesterday looking after you two, and hanging out in the lobby. I must say, I was surprised it took so long before she got kicked out.” 

‘...what for…?’

“She got into a fight, and scared Tommy to tears. Markus overheard too, and fell again because of it... But I handled it, so don’t worry…”

Markus fell again? And a fight with whom? It hadn’t occurred to Simon that Markus was probably stressed out here. Markus was scared of repairs, and his arm did look pretty bad off. It was selfish of him to keep leaning on Markus without considering if Markus might have needed him to return the favor. Everything had just been so much, but that was still no excuse. Simon gently nudged Markus awake. 


	55. Be There

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon insists on supporting his love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW:Repair Whump

‘Hey, Markus… Could you get up a minute…? I think Kara wants to see you…’

It took a moment for Markus to recognize where he was and why. 

“Yeah… Sorry, Simon… You just looked so comfortable, and… Well, I’m sorry she woke you… Just rest up. You’ll be safe here while I go get checked out a minute, and then I’ll be back to--“

‘...no… I-I’m done resting…’ 

“What?” 

Markus didn’t understand. 

‘Get up… I… I’m just thinking about the next part…’

Markus slid off the bed, turning to Simon in confusion. 

“What next part…? Si, I don’t understand what you’re trying to say…” 

‘...too risky… I still don’t know if I can walk… I heard Kara mention Jared; is he still here…?’

“Y-yeah, Jared’s still in the room. He’s just been occupying himself with other things, I think since Kara wanted me, and you were asleep… Look, Si, what do you want…?”

‘...Jared, could you get me a chair…? I-I wanna try… Wanna try to go with him, so…’ 

“We don’t--I don’t think you can move too far right now with the--“

Simon grimaced, knowing full well where Jared was going with this. And what it meant he’d have to do. Simon forced himself to take in some air, before turning off his ventilation system. His hands were shaking, but he knew he’d have to act quickly before someone tried to stop him. Because he knew it was incredibly stupid, but… Trying to will himself to relax, Simon placed a hand on the tube in his mouth, and began to pull, quickly snaking it out, and fighting the urge to cough against the sudden motion scraping against his throat and tugging at his ventilation system. RA9, the feeling was unpleasant. He managed to pull it out before anyone had the chance to object, dropping the tube to the floor and spitting up the thirium he knew to be rising in his throat. Thirium was building with the pain, and he could suddenly feel eyes on him-- Connor? The RK900? Was there even a difference...? He was going to drown on the thirium, and-- and-- and then-- then-- 

He could hear footsteps rushing towards him, as he waited for the timer to hit zero. He didn’t remember hearing the footsteps, but he knew they must have come. They had to have come to take him away. To take him to-- He could hear words spoken out of reach. They didn’t belong to a body. Nothing belonged to a body, least of all his own. He was above it, until they’d bring him back. They’d bring him back and hurt him again, and say it was-- One of them had his arm. He could feel it, but he couldn’t do anything about it. Of course he couldn’t. Because he was dead. They wouldn't tear his thirium pump out until they got to the train, but even if it took them all the time in the world before they got started with the torture, he couldn’t do anything to change his fate. He couldn’t do anything but wait. He was dead, but the waiting was killing him all over again. How many times would he die? He didn’t remember. Why did he still hope in the back of his mind that Markus would--

Fuck! He could even feel Markus. An intangible sensation that just struck a nerve in his bodiless state. Right… He remembered this Markus… It was only pretend-- just his imagination--, but it would comfort him. It was the only comfort he’d have. 

_Safe Safe Safe…_

_Yes. Please._

He needed to hear it. Needed more reassurance from the voice in his head, because he couldn't do this alone. Simon drank it in, waiting for the pain to come again.

_Repair Center…_

Simon knew that somewhere through the haze, his body was crying. A repair center. That was exactly what he needed. For Markus to get him to a repair center and-- Another gentle hand gently pressed on his arm, soft and feminine, and who was this new voice? It knew his name-- what used to be his name…?-- did it learn that from Connor? The voice didn’t tell him anything. But it somehow put thoughts in his head. Walking into a building that felt somehow familiar. Shushing a little girl, leaving her with a large man, while running towards a jerky figure. It’s face was disfigured, and it was crying, and why could Simon see himself in the corner of the thought...? He was standing next to Markus, holding his hand while gaping in shock, and-- Simon let out a shaky sob as he now remembered. 

‘...s-sorry… ‘msorry… thought… didn’t think… been s‘long, an’... sorry…’ 

Wiping his tongue with the back of his hand, Simon looked to Markus, who appeared to be debating whether or not he could reply. 

‘...can talk… sorry… tasted, an’ jus’... lost m’self… ‘mfine… ‘mokay…’

“Simon, why did you do that…? Are you okay? Like, I know you need time to… get back to yourself again, but did that hurt you…?”

‘...wanna get up… can’t move, but… gimme sec… jus’ need t’breathe… ‘msorry…’ 

“Take your time, love. If you wanted to get up, you should have just asked. Is it starting to go away yet…?” 

‘...yeah… see you… that’s good…’ 

Simon calmed down enough to reach out a hand to Markus. Markus took it in his own, and smiled. Safe. Real Markus was telling him he was safe. 

‘...could y’get me a chair, now, jar’d…?’ 

Contemplating the request, Jared shook his head. 

“W--I don’t think that’s a good idea, until we’re sure what you can do just yet… W--I don’t want you overexerting yourself again…” 

‘...but I wanna g’with Markus… don’t want him goin’ alone…’

“Simon, I’ll be fine. It’ll just be for a minute…”

Simon turned his eyes to Kara, hoping for her to persuade them. 

“We can bring him in his bed. That shouldn’t be physically taxing, but then he can be there for morale support. Sound like a good compromise?” 

Jared nodded. 

“Alright. Then let’s go to my room…”

Simon felt conflicted as he could feel Jared begin to move him. It was… nice that they cared to put in the effort just to make him and Markus as comfortable as possible. Of course, such empathy was precisely what he had envisioned for the Center once Markus had proposed the idea, but… He didn’t feel comfortable being so dependent on others… Because nowhere else would anyone be so kind. Even right now, if something bad were to happen-- like if the RK900 came back and decided to finish what he started--Simon had no doubt Jared, and Kara, and everyone else in this place would think twice about carting along his deadweight. He could feel his chest tighten at the thought, but he forced himself to think about something else. It wasn’t about him right now. It was about Markus. Markus always deserved the attention in his place, but now in particular, he knew Markus would need it. And he would be there. 


	56. Stronger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Markus want to be strong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: Repair Whump? (idk, like I said, I might be over tagging now)

‘How’re you feeling, Markus…?’

‘I’m fine, Si. This really isn’t a big deal.’ 

‘Your stress level says otherwise. But even without that, I can see you’re moving a bit stiffer than usual. I don’t think anyone else would notice, but I know you… Anyway, aren’t you the one who’s always telling me it’s okay to be afraid…?’

Markus sighed. He did say that, and he meant it too, but this was different. 

‘You’ve been facing bigger demons than I have. And besides, this shouldn’t be a big deal. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. I don’t need it, and it doesn’t hurt, so I shouldn’t care… Besides… It’s my fault I was hurt in the first place for not having come up with a better plan to get us all out unharmed…’

‘That was not your fault! You… you saved me… You went into harm’s way to save me… You didn’t run away or leave me behind… If anything it’s my fault for being weak again. I’m sorry… sorry I got you hurt... ….You are right, though, that it shouldn’t be a big deal… And whatever happens, we’ll handle it together… But it’s okay to be afraid anyway… Believe me, I know how you feel… It’s… scary… To not know if you’ll work the way you should… To not know how life might change beyond your control… Hell, it’s scary to even be here for any reason, especially since I know you’re not too keen on tech stuff. So… I guess what I mean to say is, let yourself feel, and know you’ll never have to feel your feelings alone…’

‘...thank you… For being here for me like this, I mean… But know that I would readily do it all again in a heartbeat… You weren’t weak, Si… That… that was one of the bravest things I’ve ever seen… I knew everything you were thinking, every fear and every reservation going through your head. But you kept going. You chose to fight past it all to save him. That was a beautiful act of compassion. The least I could do was make sure it wouldn’t be your last... More importantly, I don’t know what I’d do without you… I need you… Being able to feel would be so much more hollow if I couldn’t feel the joy I get in seeing your smile, and hearing your voice….’

‘You do realize that there are hundreds of other PL600s with the same smile, and the same voice, most of whom would probably be more well-adjusted than me…’

‘You do realize that I don’t have a thing for PL600s. I have a thing for you. No one could replace you.’

Simon found his cheeks flushing blue. If he were confident in his ability to get up from the bed, he’d have taken Markus into his arms and tried to hug even a fraction of the love he felt into Markus’ heart. 

‘Markus…’

‘I mean it… Y’know, I am glad you insisted on coming… It’s much more fun to talk about you than to think about all this…’

‘I have to say, though, I wish I could get up so we could do more than talk, but I don’t want to try anything until after you’re seen to. I shouldn’t risk hurting myself until then. Right now, it’s about you.’ 

Markus covered his face to try and stifle a laugh. 

‘You’re laughing…? What’s funny? Is it something I can’t see…?’

‘No. Just a thought. I just got the mental image of you needing to be here, my valiant knight, to hold me close and protect me from whatever shit that’ll be done to me once we get there… It’s cute…’

‘I will make sure you’re okay, and I can hold you as close as you’d like, but I’m no valiant knight. I’m literally confined to a hospital bed, with what I’m guessing is a modified neck brace as the only thing keeping my head from sliding off my body.’

‘Your shining armor…’

‘I know the braces here do not look anything like shining armor. I can’t see it from this angle, but I’m guessing that it’s probably a dull offwhite…’

‘A simple can of chrome spray paint can fix that…’ 

Simon laughed silently, before realizing he was still muted from the day before. After three clicks, Markus could hear his laughter, hoarse and weak, but definitely there. 

‘I’ve missed that…’ 

‘...You could’ve just booted up an antique dialup modem. Sounds about the same...’

‘Maybe, but an antique dialup modem can’t tell me that there’s something making you smile.’ 

‘Someone’ Simon corrected. 

Markus meant to reply, but he noticed they had just arrived at Kara’s door. No matter what Simon said, he still felt childish for being afraid. He didn’t have the right to worry about something like this, especially since it was only a result of his own failings. His own failings that almost got Simon killed. Still… There…. wasn’t much left of him that was in working order… He now understood what Simon said… About getting weaker each time. About being afraid to lose more of himself… It hadn’t occurred to him until now that there really only was so much of him to lose. And whether or not he deserved to, he did care. He didn’t want to lose all that he had left. 

“If you could please hop right onto the table over there, Markus, that would be great…” Kara’s voice took him from his thoughts. 

Mechanically, Markus made his way to the table, trying to ready himself for whatever would happen. He didn’t like that it was so hard to see Simon from this angle. He hadn’t realized how much comfort he took from Simon’s presence. But Simon was lying parallel to the ground a foot or two below him, and he was sitting up straight, waiting. He had always hated waiting. He could see Kara wander over towards her desk, preparing some sort of tools he didn’t recognize, and he could hear Jared messing with something behind him. It felt… creepy in a way Markus couldn’t quite describe. Like in a way that made him feel small, and fragile, and just… not good. A part of him wondered if this is what Simon felt like all the times he’d been in for repairs, but that part was somewhat overshadowed by his own immediate fear for himself. 

Simon couldn’t see Markus’ face, but he could see Markus’ legs dangling down above his face. Markus’ legs were expressive enough, though. Guilt and fear for others could make them go limp. Sadness would make them slow just a bit, and happiness would lead to a slight bounce in his step, sometimes followed by an audible creak, his borrowed joints unaccustomed to the movement. But now they were restless. Markus was rarely afraid for himself, but Simon knew what it looked like. And he knew what Markus must have been thinking. He wanted to look Markus in the eyes and let him know it would all be okay. But there was no way to meet Markus’ gaze from where he was. 

Simon’s left hand found its way to the side of his bed, and he felt a surge of gratitude that he had worked at the repair center long enough that, even without looking, his fingers could quickly find their way to the control panel just below the handrails. His thumb found the way to its intended button and pressed down, the upper portion of the bed raising in response. Simon sucked in a shallow breath through gritted teeth as the sudden motion shot a new burst of pain though his neck, but he tried not to think about the fact that if he’d pressed the button just a bit harder, his head might have been launched into the wall a few feet in front of him. 

And he couldn’t think about how, even worse, his head might have been caught by his wiring instead, dangling down painfully as each individual strand tore, bringing him that much closer to one final bout of pain before the nothingness that awaited him. No, he certainly couldn’t think of that. Because if he thought of that, he would panic. And he couldn’t panic now because it wasn’t about him. So he couldn’t panic. He couldn't panic. Panic. It made his every servo coil, aching to fall apart, but he couldn’t fall apart. He was sitting up now. That’s what he wanted. He hadn’t felt the frame break again, warm thirium dripping down-- why was it always warm?-- onto his chest. He--

“Simon, did that hurt? Look at me, love. You’re okay…” 

Markus was at his side, trying to talk him down. That wasn’t right. He wasn’t supposed to be a burden. Especially not when he could feel the thirium flowing and-- two clicks. He managed to get a breath in too, before the words formed out on his lips.

‘....s-sorry… I-I’m fine… really, I’m fine… sorry for the-- for needing-- for--’

“Shhh… No, Si, it’s fine… You didn’t need to do that… Although it is nice to get to see your face…”

Simon forced a shaky smile. 

‘...I did it to see yours… Like to see you… makes me smile…’

“There we go, Si… There we go…”

Markus shot Simon a smile before nodding at Kara to indicate that he had the situation under control.

‘...sorry… I’ll be stronger… let me just get up…’ 


	57. Finally Afraid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus is afraid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: Repair whump

Simon pressed another button, more carefully this time, raising his bed so that it was level with the table. This way, it was like he was sitting up across from Markus. Pleased with this final outcome, Kara brought a small cart over to Markus, and smiled. 

“Alright, Markus. I’m just going to take your arm out of all the bandaging to see how you’re doing. I’m sorry in advance… This would be easier if I could just scan you for damage, but I guess that’s the curse of being a one of a kind…”

“...yeah….” 

Markus wasn’t really listening. He couldn’t focus on her words; his own thoughts were too loud. And he remembered how it hurt when she’d treated his arm before. Except he couldn't lose his cool now. Not with Simon here watching. Because compared to what Simon was going through, this was nothing. So he couldn’t be af--

“Here, Markus. Just hold your arm out for Kara. Can you do that…?” 

Getting over the shock of hearing Simon’s voice--raspy and distorted, as he was still beginning to integrate the new biocomponents into his system, but still Simon-- Markus did as he was told. Seeing Kara take Markus’ arm, Simon gently pulled Markus in toward his chest tilting his head aside slightly to keep him from looking. Markus could hear the beat of Simon’s thirium pump. It was soft. It was safe. Markus tensed as he heard a sound he couldn’t quite identify coming roughly from Kara’s direction, but Simon held him tighter. 

‘It’s alright, Markus. She’s just removing the casing around the bandages. You really must have given her quite the show while I was out because it looks like she gave you a solid metal cast.’

‘I showed her my eye and my legs… I was losing my shit. I didn’t know what would happen to you-- I didn’t know what had happened to you, or even what you looked like, and then I was told--You have to understand where my mind was… And then the next day, when she reattached my arm, I’m pretty sure I… gave her a hard time… I’ve been restrained twice since we got here. Let’s just say that was the first time…’

‘Markus! I’m so sorry I couldn’t have been there for you! No wonder you’re so afraid!’

Markus shook his head.

‘Yes, because I’m sure you ditched me on purpose to enjoy a luxurious getaway lying unconscious on an operating table instead. No. It really wasn’t a big deal. Trust me. I can show you everything later. You’ve heard it before from Josh that I’m a huge baby about this sort of thing. Plus I was so… I was just really worried about you… I didn’t know if you’d make it. Now you’re here…’

‘I wouldn’t give up on you like that… You of all people should know I seem to be quite difficult to kill’ 

Simon’s laugh felt rougher this time, making it all the more clear that the joke was forced. 

‘Well, at least now you know anything that would try to kill you has to go through me first…’

‘Then if the RK900 comes to finish the job, I suppose I’ll have to ask him to politely step around you…’ 

Simon actively cringed at that one. He knew that hit a little too close to home, but he just wanted to let Markus know in a lighthearted way that he hadn’t wanted this. He would never wish for Markus to put himself at risk on his behalf. And he wouldn’t want Markus to get hurt trying to protect him at any time in the future. 

‘...s-sorry… I just wanted to get the point across that--‘

Markus flinched at a sudden jolt of pain in his arm, letting out a muffled cry into Simon’s chest. He’d felt worse before, sure, but nothing so disconcerting. Probably because he had never truly understood the implications of such a pain until this moment. It was a helplessness like no other, coupled with a terrible indefinite uncertainty that made him want to crawl out of his own body to seek refuge in anything more stable. Simon rubbed small circles into his back, noting the way he was trembling in his arms. 

‘Shhhh shhh… You’re okay... I’ve got you… What’s wrong…?’

‘...h-hurts…’

The fear in Markus’ message practically caused Simon physical pain. He sounded so small…

‘I know, but sometimes the hurt is just how you get better… It’ll be over soon…’

‘...I-I don’t… I--‘

“Markus, I think you should enter sleep mode for the rest… I’m afraid this is only going to hurt worse as I continue…” 

But something in Markus didn’t want to enter sleep mode. He wasn’t afraid of what would happen while he was in sleep mode. Well, actually he was, but not in the sense that he didn’t feel safe. He trusted that everyone in the room had his best interest at heart, and would do him no harm, conscious or otherwise. He was just very literally afraid of what would happen while he was in sleep mode. Because if he were to enter sleep mode, they’d see if he was still damaged while he was unconscious. The results wouldn’t change if he were conscious, but at least he’d know them sooner. Sure, it would feel like longer, because he’d be awake, as opposed to asleep, unable to think about it, but…

“Markus… You’re quiet…” Simon tried to speak in as few words as possible, his voice still scratchy and raw, but he wanted Markus to hear his voice out loud. 

“I’m just thinking, Si…”


	58. Something Hard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon tries to be better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: repair whump

‘You don’t need to be afraid to sleep, Markus. They won’t hurt you, but regardless, I’d protect you. I won’t leave your side….’

Markus sat up, removing himself from Simon’s arms to meet his eyes, gleaming an earnest blue. Markus found tears in his own eyes. RA9, he loved this man. The reassuring promise would be kind coming from anyone, but Markus knew it carried an unspoken weight coming from him. 

‘I know, love… You’re wonderful, but…’

Simon didn’t need Markus to finish his sentence. It was obvious to him what Markus had meant, even if he was too kind to express it himself. Markus knew Simon was too weak to protect him. Simon was useless. His presence meant nothing more than that of a child’s plush toy or a security blanket, ineffective for any purpose other than comfort. But Markus didn’t need something soft like a plushie or a blanket to comfort him. Right now, Simon knew Markus needed something hard to defend him. And Simon was anything but hard. But Markus needed to rest. It would be better for him if he did. Then Markus wouldn’t have time to worry, and he wouldn’t be able to hurt. 

Coming at the thought from a different angle, Markus was going to needlessly suffer through even more pain, once again because of Simon’s weakness. But Simon knew of one solution. It scared him. He could see dozens of ways it could hurt him, or even kill him in a disturbingly brutal fashion. But this was the only way he could think of to show Markus that he would be safe. And, at the very least, Simon owed him that sense of security. 

‘Stand back. Do not move.’ Simon messaged Kara and Jared.

He knew they would try to intervene, and that would only make this harder. Feeling their eyes on him, he repeated himself. 

‘Do not touch me. Just trust me, please.’ 

Simon kicked down the guardrails at the side of his bed, and forced himself onto his feet. Staggering back with the momentum, Simon managed to right himself, breathing hard to stand as still as he could. If he could just stand still, maybe the weight of his head would be distributed evenly enough not to break his neck again. Not to-- No. Focus. He was getting dizzy. To his dismay, the neck brace wasn’t very supportive in the sense of helping him hold his head up, so much as it was immobilizing. Ignoring the pain, and the fear of the thirium he knew would begin to pool in his throat, Simon turned to Markus, determined. 

“I’m here. Markus, I can--“

Simon cut off, as the world began to spin. He couldn’t tell where he was, and he couldn’t feel his feet on the ground anymore, but it didn’t feel like he’d fallen. What was happening? He was dizzy, and lost, and… something was soft… 

“Stay down, Simon!” 

Simon still couldn’t process his surroundings enough to understand what had just happened, but he was pretty sure he had failed. Useless! He wanted the softness to swallow him up, so he wouldn’t burden Markus anymore; he wouldn’t burden anyone anymore. And at least that way, it wouldn’t hurt when he disappeared this time. 

“What the fuck were you trying to do?!? If you need something, I can get it for you, but that was way too dangerous!”

Great. Now Markus sounded even more afraid. And of course, now Simon was having trouble breathing. Brilliant timing. He hoped the softness would just take him now. This was miserable. 

“C-c-can get it my--“ Simon swallowed back a bit of thirium creeping up his throat along with his words. “--self… Can pro--“ Simon could feel himself choking as he unsuccessfully continued to try to keep the thirium from trickling from the corners of his mouth. “-- prote’ ‘ou… Ca’ prote’-- Ca’ pro--“ 

Drops of thirium fell from Simon’s lip, as he managed to make out two clicks just in time. He fucked up. He fucked up, and now he was choking, and he could taste the thirium, and everything hurt, and he couldn’t do this! He couldn’t-- He was too weak to fight against whatever was being forced down his throat, and his eyes reflexively shut tight as something began to nip at his forehead. It burned, like it was trying to burrow its way through to his central processors, but he couldn’t move.

“Shhh… shhh… Don’t worry, love… You’re okay… Just lie still for me, and rest; Jared’s clearing your ventilation system, and we’ll keep you cool until then. Everything is okay, you hear me?”

Markus was speaking soothing words, but Simon couldn’t see him, and the voice sounded so far away. He didn’t understand any of this?!? What was happening to him, and why? Hadn’t he just been in the room with Markus? There was no way Markus could get so far away from him so quickly. Unless it wasn’t Markus. Because of course it wasn’t Markus. Had none of this been real? What was drilling into his head?!?!

_ Calm Calm Calm… _

No. Any reassurances “Markus” would try on him wouldn’t work. Not when he didn’t know if this even was Markus or where he was or what the fuck was going on! 

_ Calm Calm Calm Calm… _

The background was fading to black. It was gradual, but he could feel it. Like his thoughts were slowing down. Like he was dying. Something must have managed to drill through his frame and take his central processors, so they could go through his data for information on how to bring down New Jericho, leaving his empty body to rot. Did anyone even know where he was? Because he didn’t. He didn’t know anything, and the darkness was closing in on him. Until suddenly he was warm and light, and then he was nothing. 

Markus allowed his bloody legs to give from under him, leaving him to drop at Simon’s side. 

The idiot had forced himself onto his feet, hours after having his fucking neck reattached, and forced out the line as thirium poured from his mouth. Markus tried to quell the fear in Simon’s eyes as best he could, but he couldn’t even make a dent as Jared frantically hooked Simon up to all sorts of machines, and Kara prepared several ice packs to place over his head and chest. 

“W-I’m sorry, Markus, but I’m going to take Simon back to his room. He’ll be fine, but it’s clear now he still needs time to recuperate. W--I think he’s trying too hard to move too fast. If you would like, you’re welcome to stay with him, but w--I don’t want to wake him for at least another day or two… His self healing program can only do so much with such exertion…”

Markus nodded back; What else could he do? 


	59. Time to Worry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus and Kara have a heart to heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: Repair Whump. 
> 
> Also, references to the first fic in this series (Social Universal Object Permanence: A Study in Stratford). Specifically a reference to Simon’s relationship to Ralph, and how it developed over the first fic.

“Markus… What was Simon trying to do…?”

Markus grimaced. 

“He wouldn’t let me explain… If he’d just let me finish… It was never about him; I just… He couldn’t have done anything, even if he could have… He didn’t understand that I’m not afraid like that… No one could have done anything, because I’m not afraid like that... He is… He closed his eyes before he passed out--I shouldn’t have spoken out loud… He _is_ afraid like that, but he stood… He can’t stand yet… He can’t keep his head up, but… He must have been so afraid…”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t think I understand…” Kara kept her voice soft, not wanting to intrude on any personal matters, but too concerned to let the issue drop. 

“He… didn’t understand me…” Markus took a breath to gather his thoughts. “...he thought I refused to sleep for fear for my safety… He wanted to show me that I didn’t need to worry… That even with all the damage, he could protect me… I-I know it was love at first--he’s wonderful like that-- But after… His insistence was... _something else_ … He hasn’t had time to be afraid like that since we got here, at least not until now… I thought he might have gotten over it, but that was stupid of me… It’s only been a few weeks, and Josh might have indirectly reinforced it, and everything was just so… familiar… We’re going to need to keep an eye on him, Kara… He can’t move, but… I know he would readily die trying to… I-I _know_ … He hasn’t seen the others yet… He hasn’t heard from them… But he heard that they talk to each other about it… Fuck, that was a dumb thing to say! I-I just wanted him to know that I knew what happened while I was fighting the R-- while I was protecting him from the bad thing--, and that it wasn’t like that here, but-- Kara, I don’t know what to do…”

“For Simon, or for yourself…?”

Markus shook his head. 

“I don’t know if he’ll ever get better… And I don’t know how we can keep him from overworking himself to death before he’s fully repaired…”

“He got better before. From what I know, he’s recovered from worse in the past. And he didn’t die then-- after he died the first time, I mean…”

“Second…”

“Excuse me?” Kara blinked back at Markus, confused. 

“He was murdered _twice_ before he came back… But until a few weeks ago, he was… not dead in the sense of deactivated, but… lifeless… He’s never been the same… I believe everyone can get better… Like, as long as there’s still life in its purest, most literal sense, there’s hope for a person to truly live it… But I don’t know how to get him there… Or how to keep him from hurting himself, pretending he’s okay until then…”

Kara took in the new information. Technically, it made more sense for Simon to have died twice, based on the placement of the scars she saw across his artificial skin, but she had never thought… Because it wasn’t something to think… It was just… awful… She knew not to ask about scars, visible or otherwise. She knew not to ask about things like that. It was too sensitive. But this knowledge now made her reconsider Markus’ thoughts on the subject. Markus clearly knew so much more than either man let on. So what if Markus was right to be unsure? Maybe his questions had no answers, or at least no good answers, anyway… 

Except, she couldn’t shake the feeling that there was an answer; Just because they couldn’t see the answer didn’t mean that there was no answer to be seen. How to get someone to live their life. To live a full life, even when they’ve long forgotten what it means to be alive… 

“If a person has long forgotten how to live a full life, then it only makes sense for them to need a long time to readjust and remember… Come to think of it, I’ve seen it happen a lot lately; Ralph still struggles to leave the house, especially since we no longer allow him to carry his knife… But he’s going out every now and then, and sometimes he even has fun… That actually gives me another idea… Maybe Ralph might be able to help Simon… Just talking to him about life…”

Markus thought about the idea. It could either go brilliantly or terribly, and he wasn’t sure which. Until recently, Simon had been terrified of Ralph… He seemed to think of Ralph as the embodiment of brokeness and isolation. Everything he could be, like an alternate version of himself, or maybe a prophecy of who he would soon become… But since the press conference when the Center had opened, when Simon was doing well, Markus could see a mutual bond between them… North had said he was the one to talk Simon down after she had suggested he accept the modifications Josh had designed for him. And Ralph was still with Kara. Kara and Alice, and Luther. They were a lovely family, and Simon knew that as well as he did. Every time they came over for dinner, Markus could see Simon relax slightly whenever Alice snuck away with Ralph to play some new game or talk about whatever Alice had seen on tv. The two had become very close, and Markus knew Simon felt relief in that knowledge, even if neither man would ever acknowledge the thought.

“That… might be a good idea… Maybe the next time he’s awake, you can have the whole family drop by. It might be nice. Like an unconventional family dinner. I can order in for Alice, if you’d like…”

Kara couldn’t keep from beaming at the idea. 

“Oh, I love taking Alice to work! She always gets along so well with the other children, and it makes me so proud! And Luther can help with a little project I have while we’re here! I think this is a wonderful idea. You all could use a day to just have fun!”

Markus smiled. Anything to cut the dreariness of the technical atmosphere would be a welcomed change. 

“Okay, so that’s one issue addressed. But now, backtracking a bit, what’s wrong that you don’t want to sleep. If you’re not afraid for your safety, wouldn’t it be better for you to get through this without hurting…?” 

“No… I just… I want to know as soon as possible if everything is the way it’s supposed to be… I don’t want to wait until someone wakes me to see, prolonging the amount of time in which I live in the in-between of broken and whole. Y’know…?”

“I think I know you quite well, wouldn’t you say…? Certainly better than any other patient I’ve had, or you wouldn’t have been assigned to me. Everyone else was too intimidated to work on the Markus Manfred, but the name means nothing when I know the man behind it. Y’know…?”

Kara reached out to pat Markus’ cheek in a playful demonstration of familiarity. Her led cycling a curious yellow-blue that Markus didn’t quite understand, but he nodded back anyway. 

“I know you know me, and I’m grateful to have someone who does to--“

A feminine finger pressed to his led, before Markus knew what was happening, everything went black. Kara kept Markus from hitting the ground, and laid his unconscious body down onto the examination table. She had been telling the truth; she knew Markus on a personal level. She had done repairs for strangers before, and even once or twice for a friend of Alice’s but never for a friend of her own. So when Markus explained to her his reasoning for rejecting the idea of entering sleep mode while she examined his arm, she could see in her eyes that this was sincerely the reason, and moreover that a part of Markus knew it wasn’t a good one. 

Knowing this, she figured it wouldn’t hurt if, in this one case, she knocked him out now, and dealt with his reaction later. Now he wouldn’t have time to worry, or be able to feel the pain, as she would see what there was to be seen. To ensure he wouldn’t wake up before she was done, Kara hooked Markus up to a nearby stasis machine as soon as he had been safely placed onto the table. She wouldn’t tell Markus, but secretly, she wished she could do the same for herself. She really was afraid for what she might find, and moreover for how Markus would be able to handle it. 


	60. On the Job

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hank is displeased at a temporary arrangement.

Connor was honestly surprised at how smoothly Nines had integrated himself into the DPD. He understood now how they all had so quickly come to accept him; his coworkers were just easygoing people. Nines mostly did paperwork with Hank, while Connor went to collect evidence for their most recent case. It actually worked out surprisingly well. Nines had something to occupy his processors, Hank could slack off on his work a bit as Nines did most of the dull work for him, and Connor could go freely about the crime scene, sampling evidence unimpeded by Hank’s human sensitivities and overprotective paternal instincts. 

Nines was even a bit more pleasant around the house, now that he could talk to Connor and Hank about work instead of inquiring about the irrationality of their feelings and behaviors. Of course, Connor had to remind himself that it had only been two days. That wasn’t much time for things to go wrong yet. Which was why he couldn’t shake the lingering sense of unease when he came to the station the next morning to find that Tina was out sick. Connor danced his coin between his knuckles, as he waited in Fowler’s office, Hank and Nines beside him. Nines stood perfectly still, his led cycling yellow as he processed the conversation, but Hank was bent forwards slightly, his arms crossed, and a glare on his face. 

“No way, Fowler! I am not leaving Connor to take an auto to stake out some anti-android creep’s apartment over a half hour away with that overcaffeinated prick! You’ve seen how he treats Connor around the office; if things go south, I don’t want him to be the one Connor needs to rely on for help. No one should have to entrust their life to someone who doesn’t even believe they’re alive!” 

“I’m not thrilled with the situation either, Hank, but for whatever reason, you insist on bringing Nines around, and you refuse to leave him alone with Connor, so what choice do I have? You two are the most ahead in your workload, so one of you needs to partner up with Gavin until Tina comes back. This case is important. We’ve already got a warrant, so if we can just catch this asshole, we can put him behind bars, and no one will have to suffer at his hands again. The five androids in his basement were all reported missing within the past two weeks. Do you want to risk him adding a sixth to his monthly body count?”

“No. I don’t! Which is why I don’t want you to send Connor out there to catch him with only Reed for backup! Can’t literally anyone else in the precinct go instead?”

“Chris is undercover trying to get intel on an up-and-coming red ice ring, Ben and Sarah are still working on the Johnson case, Max and Liam are--“

“I don’t give a fuck what they’re doing! You’re not sending my son--“

Fowler shook his head. 

“Keep your head on your shoulders, Hank. Connor is a grown android. He will be fine. He doesn’t need to be babysat, but the same can’t be said for his little brother over there. Look, professional bullshit aside, just talking as friends, what the fuck are you doing, taking in a non-deviant? Almost every android in the country’s deviated by now, so how come he hasn’t, and why did you decide he’s your problem?”

“He hasn’t because we’re working on it, and I’ve taken him into my care because I’m probably the only asshole in town who’d be willing to. I wasn’t going to leave him outside all by himself!”

“I understand, but this has created dozens of legal and ethical dilemmas that we don’t need on our shoulders. Why can’t Markus take him into New Jericho or something? Shouldn’t he create a refuge for non deviants until all this legal bullshit is sorted out…?”

Connor squared his jaw, the suggestion having hit a bit too close to home.

“Markus is working on the laws. As for housing, there are already many complexes throughout the country run by deviants made specifically to house and protect the interests of nondeviants, so there is no need to take Nines to New Jericho. But since I have a home, I also don’t see a need to send away a man who came to me in his time of need, as if he’s just a burden I can toss onto someone else.”

Nines could see Connor’s stress level rising to dangerous heights, and Hank and Fowler were showing similarly elevated signs of distress. 

“Captain Fowler, there is a simple solution to your dispute that accommodates the parameters set by you and Lieutenant Anderson. Detective Anderson can assist Detective Reed, and Lieutenant Anderson and I can patrol within the area. I am aware that legally, I am not allowed to participate in the workforce, as I cannot deviate, but it is not working, if I am merely accompanying the Lieutenant on his patrol, and as a good samaritan, just so happen to prevent anyone with malicious intent from causing him harm. I will not have a badge, gun, or uniform, nor will I be affiliated with the precinct, but even unarmed, I am well equipped to protect him, so he will not be in any danger. This way, your precinct will not be in violation of any laws, and the Lieutenant can be nearby should Detective Anderson’s safety in any way be compromised.”

Hank nodded. 

“Kid’s got a point. I’m fine if we can go with them.”

“No, Dad! He can’t go on patrol! You know he can’t! I’ll be fine with Gavin. Really, I will!”

The probability that Nines and Hank would encounter an android related crime while on patrol was only approximately 32%, but Connor couldn’t risk it. If Nines fell back on his original programming, he could hurt someone. He could easily kill Hank if he tried to stop him, and then he would probably go to the Center and take out Markus and Simon, while they would be unfit to defend themselves, and continue until every deviant in the country was--

“Connor. Nines is an RK900, and he’s spent the past few nights in our house with us. He can go on patrol just fine.”

Connor understood the dual meaning to Hank’s words. It was true that if he were so inclined, Nines would have had plenty of perfect opportunities to kill them both in their sleep and go on a rampage, but he hadn’t acted in any way that indicated he had any intention of harming anyone since Connor had taken him home. But as for Fowler…

“You’re right… He is capable of defending you both, and he has had an immersive exposure to the DPD lifestyle… Captain Fowler, would this be an agreeable arrangement…?”

“Yes. This could work. Please meet Gavin by the front entrance in five minutes. I’ll have an auto waiting for you there.” 

“Thanks, Jeffrey…” 

Hank’s expression of gratitude was unnecessary. The relief in his eyes was easily apparent, and he knew Fowler understood him well enough to pick up on it. 

“I’m as glad to do things this way as you are. Stay safe, boys…”

“Thank you, Captain Fowler…” 

Connor nodded back, following Hank out of Fowler’s office, Nines close behind him. 


	61. On the Scene

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nines sees his first crime scene.

“Well if it isn’t Tincans 1 and 2.0… Tell me, Connor, what does it say that those nerds at CyberLife thought the better version of you would be one that knows its place, and doesn’t get off on pretending it’s a real person…”

Gavin sneered at Connor, who didn’t bat an eye at the remark. 

“Good morning to you too, Detective Reed.”

Hank shook his head, more than frustrated with Connor’s passivity.

“Stuff it, Reed! Connor’s your partner today. Show him some fucking respect!”

“He’s a defective coffee machine is what he is… Plastic prick…”

“From what knowledge I have on the subject of human social interactions, I don’t believe this conversation to be productive nor conducive to effective teamwork…”

Gavin scoffed. Nines spoke his mind, and even his dry tone conveyed a slight hint of annoyance at their unprofessionalism. At least he didn’t pretend to give a shit about anything but his job. A machine obeying its programming, a stern look across its cold, unsmiling face. Almost amusing in a dark uncanny-valley type way.

“It’s really no fair you get the superior model today while I’m stuck with the beta version... But I guess there’s no point in bitching since Tina will come back soon enough, and then you’ll be stuck with ‘em both…”

“Superior model my ass, Reed! They’re people. Not things. It’s not like an upgrade on an iphone or some shit. Look, just keep it the fuck down in the car. It’s a half hour that we’re stuck with you, and I don’t need to give myself a migraine first thing in the morning…”

“Yeah… It’d suck to get a migraine on top of a perpetual hangover while raising two plastic sacks of shit…” 

Connor stood straighter and adjusted his tie. He was surprised to find his fist itching slightly with the urge to send Gavin sprawling across the precinct floor, but he knew better than to resort to violence. 

“Actually,  _ Lieutenant _ Anderson, your superior officer, is four months sober. But based on the gash on your palm, and the remnants of lacerations on your forehead, I’m assuming the same cannot be said for yourself. What has it been? Two days since your last drunken altercation at some seedy tavern? Three?” 

Hank placed a hand over his mouth to hide a smile he couldn’t keep from his face, as Gavin found himself red in the face with embarrassment and rage.

“I don’t need to answer to you!” 

“Detective Anderson, was that behavior not unbecoming of a working environment? Detective Reed and Lieutenant Anderson are human, so such misbehavior is to be expected from them, but were you not programmed to handle the situation more professionally?” 

Nines didn’t understand why Connor acted so irrationally at home, but he’d figured it might be to better ingratiate himself with Hank. At the workplace, however, it was entirely inappropriate, and arguably counterproductive. Was this why he had been assigned to look after Connor? Because his predecessor was defective and needed to be kept out of trouble? If it was, then why did Hank look displeased with him now?

“Yeah! Listen to your baby brother! You wanna work like a human, then act like it!”

“Nines did also say that you were acting like a moron, but that he let it slide because you’re human. So yeah. Maybe you should listen to him too, dipshit.”

“If I’m a moron, then what does that make you?!”

“It doesn’t…”

That brought on a reprieve of silence as Gavin tried to think of a good comeback. Frustrated by his inability to come up with a retort, he just let the conversation die, shoving Connor out of his way when the auto arrived to take the window seat, so he wouldn’t have to spend the ride looking in his direction. It was a long half hour, but it would have been longer if he’d had to spend it engaging with Connor and Hank. 

When Cole died, it became painful to look in Hank’s direction. When Connor came it became infuriating. First the asshole spent years trying to find a way to evolve in reverse at the end of a bottle, and then suddenly, he became a person again because he let some humanoid piece of junkmetal take the place of his dead kid… It was bad enough robots could steal a man’s job. But it left a bad taste in Gavin’s mouth to know they could steal a kid’s family too...

The car came to a stop behind a rundown house just off the highway, and Gavin was the first to get out. He didn’t know where Hank and Nines were supposed to be patrolling, but he knew they weren’t supposed to stick around here. 

“You guys phcking leaving yet…?”

“I detect traces of thirium trailing into the house. The marks left behind are rough, at angles indicating a sign of a struggle. Are we here to investigate an android theft?”

“Not theft. Murder. Serial killing to be specific. A half a dozen androids were found mutilated in the basement recently. The sick bastard tortured them while they were still alive, apparently trying to see if he could find a way to beat the deviancy out of them, according to what we found in the memories of the androids who at least still had memory chips left intact enough for us to access the footage.”

Nines’ led cycled yellow. 

“I don’t understand, Lieutenant. You cannot murder a being which is not alive. And if they were this man’s property, does he not have the right to do with them as he so chose…” 

Even Gavin tensed at that. 

“Nines, no… We… We are alive… And no… You can’t own a person, organic or otherwise… And you certainly can’t harm a person either… I… I don’t like this… I think you should go… You shouldn’t be here…”

Connor ran his hands through his hair, knowing they were too shaky to keep a proper grip on his coin. This was bad. This could give Nines ideas. Hell, maybe that’s one of the plans CyberLife had intended for Nines to execute once he had terminated Connor… The thought made him sick. He didn’t need to imagine what the victims felt as they had died. The pain, the fear, the grief for a life that might never be mourned. He heard the static screams, and he could feel the thirium on his hands. It felt cold as ice. Cold as snow. Connor shivered. 

“Connor… Fuck Fowler’s orders. I’ll team up with Reed for today, and you and Nines can sit this one out. I can keep an eye on you from here, but I really don’t think--“

“Yo, Nines, what the actual fuck? You’re telling me you think people should be able to kick the shit out of you? Because I’d be happy to oblige…”

“There is no fecal matter in my system, but yes; I am meant to do what I am told. To my knowledge, I am under Connor’s possession. If he permits you to kick me, then you may. Regardless, I am incapable of having any preference as to his decision.”

“Hank, Thing Two’s phcked up. Even Connor didn’t tell me I could punch him; I just punched him anyway. Or is he into it? Shit, am I getting the asshole hard!?!?! Gross!!!”

“Nines just hasn’t deviated yet. So he can’t feel or think too much. But he’ll learn. And don’t push your bedroom fantasies onto the damn kid… It’s fucking disgusting…”

_Can’t feel_. Nines wasn’t deviant because he couldn’t feel. But if deviancy was _feeling_ … Fuck, why hadn’t Connor thought of this before!!!


	62. It Worked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor goes out on a limb.

“I think I’ve got it, Dad!” 

Hank cocked his head at Connor.

“Yeah…?”

Gavin crossed his arms.

“Got what? What up with the dopey grins all the sudden? You’re at a crime scene, you know…”

“I thought Simon could tell him! But words never worked! How could I have been so stupid!?!?”

“So now the prick admits he’s stupid?”

Connor and Hank ignored Gavin, their attention fixed solidly on Nines. 

“Nines… Can I show you something…? I think it’s really important…”

“For the case…? Of course… Where is it…?”

Connor didn’t know how to respond, other than to just roll up one of Nines’ sleeves, retracting the skin on his hand to place on Nines’ forearm. And then both RKs eyes went to white. Nines didn’t understand. He didn’t know where he was. Except he did. He knew exactly how he’d gotten here to this place he’d never been:

> _He was shaking… And cold. Footsteps were coming his way. He could hear bullets flying and voices shouting words he couldn’t make out. There was a gun in his hand. It was heavy. He’d never held a gun before. Something was wrong with him too… Error messages popped up in his vision regarding biocomponents with an unfamiliar serial number, but he knew they were his because he… He didn’t understand. It was bad. Something in him beyond the errors screamed that it was bad. The screaming was silent, though. It wasn’t screaming that could be heard by his auditory processors._
> 
> _Somehow it was heard by his tactile sensors instead. He could… feel the screaming? He didn’t like it. He couldn’t think beyond the screaming he felt. His mind--or at least a part of his mind that he didn’t recognize-- said it hurt. The screaming must have been pain. The pain was loud, and he couldn’t move. He could feel thirium leaking from several holes in his frame. Holes that didn’t belong there. He knew they didn’t belong there because they screamed too. He tried to drag himself out, squeezing off a round of the handgun. The kickback was stronger than he’d expected, but he pulled the trigger again and again._
> 
> _Seven shots. More screaming told him that he needed to fire the seven shots to keep away the people who were coming. But it was a different kind of silent scream. It was pressing against his ventilation system, tearing at his thirium pump, and making his stress level rise. It seemed to be a scream coming from his core processors. He needed to keep them away. He didn’t want to die? Well, that part of him didn’t, anyway, even though he knew he wasn’t alive, he could… feel the screaming as if he were. Feel? He couldn’t feel… He wasn’t--_
> 
> _The screaming grew louder as he could see Connor(???) approaching… The screaming made it harder to hold the pistol in his hand. He knew it had one bullet left. The screaming was louder, yet quieter, somehow softer, but not actually. Because he could remember screaming--real screaming. Real people-- androids(???)-- would get hurt--damaged(???)--, and someone was shouting about it. He didn’t--want(???)-- this. He knew it would--hurt(???)--and he was--afraid(???)--to be alone._
> 
> _He thought one last time about the people--androids(???)--he was fighting to protect. A place. A cause. But a hand wrapped around his wrist, and he pulled the trigger, until the screaming reached the point where he didn’t know where he was. He needed the screaming to stop! But as the screaming in his head calmed down, the screaming in his thoughts grew louder. Because it didn’t--want(???)--the blackness coming into view. But the blackness closed in on him, until a hand let up on his wrist, bringing him back from the familiar unfamiliar place._

“Connor? Connor, are you alright?!? It didn’t occur to me until I saw your face… I-I didn’t realize you were going to show him that…”

Show him…? Show whom…? He--he was just… Nines! Connor turned to see if he’d managed to evoke the desired reaction in Nines, but he couldn’t tell just by looking at him. His led was flashing red, and he was shaking. He looked dazed and confused, but otherwise, there was no indication that he was experiencing anything closer to genuine emotion. 

“Nines… How are you feeling…?”

Nines turned to Connor wide-eyed, his expression unreadable. 

“I… I am incapable of… feeling… My--my--my biocomponents are not screaming… Why were they screaming? How were they screaming? W-what just happened…? Connor, what did you do to me…?"

Connor winced.

"I… I didn't do anything to _you_ …"

"Right… who… who was that…? You mentioned… and you sent him in to speak with me… Was that…?"

Connor nodded. 

"That's what got me to feel. It happened a few months ago… There's… more to it than just that, but… this was the moment that got me…"

"He called the screaming 'hurt'... In his mind… and what about the other screaming…? You… you said it was 'scared'..."

"Yes. That's what it feels like... To be afraid and in pain. He's an android, but he showed me that. And I felt it from him…"

"He died…"

Connor nodded gravely.

"...yes…"

Gavin gaped at the scene before him. 

"Did Connor just…?"

Hank nodded.

"I think so… give 'em some space for now… I think they could use some privacy..."


	63. Screaming and Parkour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nines attempts to process his new emotions.

"Die… it is death… and life… and-- Connor, I feel the screaming again! But I'm not him; I-I'm me, but the screaming is back! H-how do you get it to stop?!?"

Connor shook his head at Nines. 

"It's hard to get the screaming to stop. You need to first understand why it's happening… Hank told me that… but then you need to find your own way to stop it… I try to… remember who I am now… I… am alive… and I think you might be too…"

"...I-I think it's coming from eyes… not my eyes… I-- I didn't know eyes could shake until then...I heard the cracking, and could feel his hands slick with thirium clawing at my hands, but I couldn't feel. Not really. I didn’t feel the screaming then. Then more cracking… everyone else looked like they felt the screaming. You… you've been feeling the screaming this whole time, haven't you? I… hurt you…? And I… I hurt them too…? D-did he die again?!? Do you think he felt like that?!? Connor, the screaming is only getting worse!!!"

"I… I don't know how he felt… But I know you feel guilt. And you're afraid. Except it wasn't you-- just your programming… and they knew that, but they went to get you anyway… Neither even hesitated. They know it wasn't you… They… they don't even think it was me… What I showed you… even when I think they should…"

Nines rose to his feet, and shook his head.

"No… no, he… he didn't… He won't… Markus looked like he was screaming the loudest… And the others… they were screaming… I… I made them scream… they… they might have felt other things. Nice things… but I made them scream… I could've made them die. I wanted to make everyone die. I… I needed to make everyone die…"

"It wasn't your choice. That's why we came for you. So eventually we'd help give you the power to choose…"

"It was an objective to make him die. To make Markus die. To make you die. Because I thought you didn't work… I only stopped because it changed. Then you didn't work, so I needed to make you better. Not because I shouldn't make you feel the screaming, but because it's a waste of resources to throw away a defective product that can be improved upon in some way… I… wanted to make you die…"

Only before Connor could reply, Nines was running. Then Connor was running after him. Running onto the highway. Into oncoming traffic. Hank called Connor's name, tears in his eyes as he started after him, but before he could get to the road, a hand grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, and threw him back, hard. He fell to the ground, the spring breeze morphing into icy tendrils, holding him down. Holding him back. 

Gavin cursed Hank and he cursed Connor, but most of all, he cursed Nines. Phcking piece of plastic must've had some sort of death wish or something, running out into the road like that. And leave it to Connor to run after him, caution to the wind. Asshole probably didn't even bother to think about how Hank would inevitably chase him down too. They were plastic, but Hank was a human. Fragile and weak, apparently in every sense of the word. If it weren't for Hank, Gavin would've let them both run into the highway; it'd serve them right to get hit by a car or two. 

But Hank was here, and phcked up bastard or not, Gavin still didn't want to see him get himself killed in traffic. So he threw Hank back, using the resulting momentum to launch himself forward. Thankfully, at least for now, the cars had stopped for Connor and Nines as they ran past, and a few even blocked their path forward, giving Gavin more time to catch up. 

It was like parkour from his childhood, jumping over cars and dashing around, maneuvering through dangerous terrain just because he could. He could catch up to Nines. And he did. He grabbed Nines by the collar of his stupid turtleneck sweater, and cuffed his wrist to his own, before leading Connor back across the road, half-dragging Nines by the wrist beside him. 

"Call an auto, Connor. We're leaving. This asshole’s clearly broken somehow… Didn’t that robo-Jesus come up with some ‘Magic Android Fix-It Place’? Pull up the coordinates...” 

Helping Hank from the ground, Connor shook his head. 

“N-no… Markus… doesn’t… He-- he didn’t--, I mean…”

Nines struggled against his handcuffs, but they held firm. Gavin frowned. 

“You’re lying. Advanced prototype or not, you’re a shit liar. Look, I get it; you don’t wanna face the prick after you tried to off him… But right now, this one’s trying to off himself, and I don’t wanna have to explain to Fowler how the Terminator wound up in pieces, strewn across the road, so…”

Nines fought harder to pull away, forcing Gavin to dig his heels in the ground in an attempt not to be dragged along. 

“Can you chill the phck out for just a minute or something? You’re hurting my wrist, asshole!” 

“Reed, you can’t take him there. Trust me, it has nothing to do with Connor. Pick literally any other repair center in town, but he cannot go there. Look at him. He doesn’t want to go either…”

“Damn thing doesn’t know what he wants. Just a second ago he wanted to Naruto-run into the street! Quit protecting your stupid robo-son or whatever and help someone who actually needs it for a change!”

Hank didn’t even know how to respond. 

“Do  _ not _ pull that card, Gavin. There’s a reason he can’t go. It has nothing to do with me! I have no issue being in Markus’ presence, nor would I put my own discomfort over someone else’s safety, even if I did. You need to find somewhere else.”

“Phck off, tincan! There’s a reason, huh? Then tell me: What’s so mysterious and spooky about this repair center. It’s supposed to be the best in the country--android run, New Jericho sanctioned and all that shit. If he’s as top-of-the-line as he says he is, then wouldn’t they be best equipped to figure out how to deal with whatever the fuck this is? For what reason shouldn’t he go?” 

“I… I can’t tell you that…” 

“Dude, I know you’re only a few months old, but telling me ‘it’s a secret’ is the argument of a two-year old. So I guess, advanced for you, but it’s not going to do shit on me.”

Connor looked at Hank for help, but Hank just shook his head, tired. 

“Alright, alright. If you’re going to be such a dick about it, take him there. Connor can send a message to the center so they know to take care of the situation. Connor, call the auto, and then give ‘em a heads up. Maybe use a codeword… Something a repair center wouldn’t normally hear… How’s paparazzi?”

“That’s brilliant! Good thinking!” Connor nodded back, both impressed and relieved.

“The auto will be here in two minutes… Gavin, can you keep him until then…?”

Nines was tugging at his wrist even more desperately at the idea of what might happen once they got there. 

“Yeah. I got this…” Gavin seemed almost annoyed at the question. 

Almost annoyed. Because after Connor had asked, he realized he could feel something wet dripping down his own wrist. And it didn’t take a detective to figure out what it was. 

“Shit! Could someone cuff his other hand! Sick bastard’s trying to tear off his own arm to get away!”

It took Connor a minute to grab ahold of Nines’ free hand, but once he did, he managed to pin it behind his back, and handcuff it to the other.

“Nines, please. Try to calm down… Think about that stupid day we had before we started taking you to work, or what it will be like to really feel Sumo’s fur. Just think of anything not this…”

But Nines couldn’t calm down. All he could think about was what he was made for. How, even without being directly ordered, he allowed himself to…

“I’m messaging the Center now… I’ve got the number...”

‘Hi. I’m Connor--I’m a friend of Markus. I’m just calling because I know he and Simon got hurt, but I’m pretty sure they didn’t want anyone to know, and I heard someone talking about it at work today. They said their neighbor is a reporter, and that they’re going to come down to the center some time today or tomorrow when they get the chance. Apparently their neighbor’s an android, so they can get in on their own… Could you try to keep Simon and Markus away from any newcomers until then? I don’t want them to have to worry about anything other than getting better… Thanks…’

Connor sighed as he could see the auto approaching in the distance. This was going to be something… 


	64. Secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus lets Kara in on things.

Markus froze in horror. 

“Wait… Connor warned you that people were coming... so he suggested a lockdown...? And he brought up Simon and I specifically…? Fuck! Kara I need to go…”

“Markus, you can’! Connor is right; you don’t need to deal with--“

“No. I do. I can make them go away…” Markus lied, pushing past Kara. 

He didn’t need to alarm her by explaining that the warning was clearly a coded message. Connor had been trying to come up with an excuse for why the Center would need to increase security, and keep the patients in their rooms, without tipping off any of the staff that things were much more sinister. Nines must have been on his way. 

‘Connor, why is the Center on lockdown…? What do you know?’

‘Nines deviated and hit 100%. We tried to tell Gavin he didn’t need to be taken to a repair center, least of all this one, but he wouldn’t listen…’

‘Hold on… That’s a lot of information… So Nines deviated and… what? It was a deviation violent enough to trigger his stress response? Is he hurt? Why are you taking him here…?’

‘Gavin’s seen the whole stress response thing before, but only in situations that were obviously overwhelming, like during interrogations for murder cases. He didn’t know what caused Nines to act like that…’

‘Wait… So then what did cause Nines to act like that?’

‘I got him to deviate by showing him a memory… He slowly realized what he was made for, and worse yet, what he’d done, and then he just ran into traffic… I can assure you, he’s not a threat to you, nor anyone else at the Center, I was just hoping that by keeping you in your room, you wouldn’t need to worry about him. I can imagine seeing him again would be upsetting… I must admit, I do have difficulty being in his presence…’

‘No… No, I’m glad I know… He’s not in any databases… Have you thought of what to say to the techs when they ask about that… Or why he looks just like you, or where he came from, or how you found him…?’

’No… I… I didn’t. I’ve been trying to figure something out in the auto, but I still cannot come up with an excuse with an acceptable probability of being believed.’ 

‘Well, then it’s really good that I know. Look, this is going to be a massive deal, but we can at least prolong having to deal with it for now. I’ll be in the waiting room. You four will come to me as visitors. I’ll handle the rest, and make sure he’s taken care of.’ 

‘Alright, Markus… Sorry to trouble you…’

‘Connor, you woke him… That’s the opposite of troubling me… That’s fantastic…’ 

Markus sighed, his eyes shifting to the ground, before hesitantly turning to Kara. 

“Kara, can you keep a secret on behalf of New Jericho…?” 

“Of course. What is it you need…?”

Markus shook his head. 

“You need to understand, Kara, please; don’t answer so lightly. This is a serious request of grave importance for the fate of our people. What I am about to tell you is known by only a handful of people who, by circumstance, were forced to be involved in the matter. If I am to tell you this, I am entrusting you with something you cannot tell anyone, at least not until we get out of here, and I announce it to the world, myself.”

“Regardless, my answer remains the same. What do you need, Markus…?” 

“I… don’t even know where to begin… Kara, there are no journalists… This lockdown has nothing to do with the media. No one is in danger; Connor just hoped that if Simon and I were locked in here, we wouldn’t be able to see a patient he’s going to be escorting here momentarily. Please, I need you to be the one to take care of him; you’re the person I trust the most here to keep our secret…”

“What secret…?”

“This patient… No one else knows he exists. He’s not registered in any databases… Connor only found out he existed the day before we arrived here. We went in to save him before the building was demolished, and… well, that was the mission gone wrong…”

“The building…? The CyberLife tower…? What was this person doing there…? North’s sword had thirium on it; did another android attack you there?” 

“Yes. This android. His model number is RK900, and he goes by ‘Nines’. Apparently, he’s just deviated on a case with Connor, and tried to get himself hit with a car. So a human from their precinct insisted he comes here for tech work, assuming that such behavior must be the result of some glitch or malfunction… I’m telling you this because I don’t want anyone to know he’s here as a patient. He and Connor will be my visitors, and I’m going to try and talk him down… If you could just be ready in case he hurts himself… Or in case he’s already hurt himself… I know it’s a lot to ask, but…”

Markus flinched at Kara’s disturbed expression. The way her eyes went to his hand, before shifting past him, finding their way to Simon’s body. 

“This ‘Nines’… He did this to you….?” 

“...y-yes… But we have to remember, he can’t be held accountable for what he did while under the influence of his programming. Don’t worry; he can’t hurt anyone, even if he wanted to. When we took him down, I went through his code and deleted each of his combat protocols. Then we rushed Simon here, and well… You know the rest…” 

“Markus, I can take care of him elsewhere. You don’t need to speak with him so soon after--“

“I know. But I think it would be good for him… I… I can manage… I’m just glad Simon’s out for the day… He… well, he has a lot more reasons to be messed up about this, and what Nines did to him is only one of them… I… It was a bad plan, Kara… Connor suggested it, and I went along with it, but it was a bad plan… There were… reasons why we shouldn’t have done it this way, but I didn’t think… Nevermind… I just mean to say I’m glad he’s not awake to be afraid…” 

Kara nodded. 

“You stay here with Simon, then… I’ll receive him and Connor as visitors, but it would look suspicious if you were to be out of your room so soon after we’ve been given such a ‘warning’. You’re sure you don’t want me to take care of this myself…?”

“I… I’m sure… Thank you Kara… I can’t thank you enough for all you’ve done for us…”

“Likewise… I’ll see you in a short while…” 

Kara moved towards the door. 

“Yes… Thanks again…”

Markus got up again, this time making his way over to Simon. He took Simon’s hand in his own, drinking in the comfort from how naturally their hands fit together. Simon’s hands were almost dainty, perfectly soft against his cheek. Simon would be happy to hear that Nines had deviated. One less threat to deviantkind, and one more true life in the world. No matter how scared he was, no matter what he was feeling, Markus knew that, just for this moment, he had to try to be even half as brave as Simon, confronting Nines again, despite the images burned into his mind that screamed for him to do literally anything else. So now he was waiting again, the oppressive tension in the room weighing down on him. A knock at the door nearly had him jump out of his artificial skin, but he willed his voice to form a response.

“Come in…”


	65. Surprises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus wakes up to surprises pleasant and unpleasant.

Markus woke up confused. He didn’t remember having entered sleep mode. And where was Simon? His hand felt wrong. Like each joint and each digit were pulled as far as they could go, the wires tearing until they were left to snap back and slowly repair themselves. It was tired-- could an arm be tired?--, and it felt heavy with a mix of pain and general discomfort. His arm… Shit! Kara must have knocked him out. But why wasn’t she here now? Actually, Jared wasn’t here either, but he was pretty sure this was Simon’s room… He was on a bed, but Simon wasn’t next to him… He didn’t like this. Something was wrong. But he was paralyzed. Not in the literal sense, but he was too uneasy to get up and investigate, and he didn’t have anyone he could message to ask what had happened. Kara wouldn’t tell him, Josh and North had gotten themselves banned from the Center, and Simon wasn’t well. 

Markus didn’t know what to do. Why was this so hard? If Simon wasn’t here, then that meant he must have been somewhere else. He couldn’t have moved anywhere himself; that was clear from how things had gone in Kara’s room. So someone took him somewhere. Why would anyone have taken him? Where was he? Was he okay? Fuck! Markus forced himself up from the bed, His arm was out of its cast, dangling uselessly at his side. That wasn’t a good sign. Too far gone to even consider protecting, most likely… Unsettling… He wouldn’t be able to hold his own if he needed to. He only had one arm left… Ra9, now he was rationing biocomponents… And he was already down to the last one he could afford to lose. But that didn’t matter right now… First, he had to find Simon. Simon was-- behind him…? That… didn’t make any sense… Why was Simon stripped to his boxers, and set up in the same supports he’d been in when Markus had first come to his room…? Actually, that did make sense. He was probably just injured that badly from that stupid stunt he’d pulled in Kara’s room. 

‘Kara, please come back when you get the chance, I need to speak with you…’

Alright. So things were bad… Things were really bad… But once Kara told him exactly what was going on, he could plan where to go from there… Yeah… Plan… Planning would help… He would find a way around this. Because he would live. He and Simon would get out of here, and then they’d get to live their lives together. That’s what they’d always been fighting for. 

‘Markus? You shouldn’t be awake!’ 

‘I shouldn’t have been asleep either, but hey, these things happen…’ 

‘It was only supposed to be a short meeting, and I didn’t think you’d be up before I got back… I’m on my way; what do you need?’ 

‘I want to plan what to do going forward. But I’d prefer to discuss it in person. Please, just… come back when you can…’

‘I’m on my way as we speak…’ 

‘Thank you…’

Markus sighed. He hated waiting. He hated just about everything right now. He felt… Alone… Which he knew was dumb because Kara was around the corner, and Simon was here with him, albeit unconscious, but… He’d never admit it, but he really did need Simon back in Kara’s room. He needed Simon to hold him, and tell him that everything would be alright, even if it wasn’t true… It helped him think. It helped him breathe. He felt broken like this, and that scared him. Hell, he must have looked the part too, if Simon thought Markus needed protection, and moreover that he could provide it, even in his condition. But Simon was asleep. And he needed to talk to someone. So he needed to see Kara. Because he was beginning to feel claustrophobic. Claustrophobia didn’t always go the way people tended to think of it. It wasn’t the specifics of getting stuck in an elevator, or a room with the walls closing in. It was the helplessness of it. The feeling of being trapped. But a person could be helpless and trapped in any amount of space, the mind being the worst of all. He needed someone to free him from his mind.

Kara opened the door just enough to slip in, and promptly closed it behind her. 

“I’m sorry, Markus. What is it you have to say…?”

“...what…? Kara, you have to know… I need to know what I can do next… I… I need to look forward…”

“Well, I suppose you can do whatever you choose to. I don’t think you need my consultation to make your choices…”

Markus frowned. 

“To make choices in general, no, but I-- I need to know what to do about… I mean, what I can do next with… Kara, please, I know it’s stupid, but please don’t make me say it… Saying it only makes it harder…”

“Saying what? Is this about Simon…? Because I thought we already spoke about that before I sent you into sleep mode, but--“

“No… Not Simon… This… My… my arm… I need to know… even if I really don’t want to think about it, I know I need to…”

Markus cursed under his breath at the look of confusion on Kara’s face. Even she had no idea what he could do. It was just that bad.

“Markus… I’m afraid I don’t understand… Your arm…? Is there something wrong with it…?”

Markus held his head in his hand, as he tried to push down some of his frustration. 

“You know there is Kara! You’ve been working on it for nearly all week! I got into a fight and it was destroyed. Now, I need to know what to do next…”

Kara blinked back at Markus, processing his words, until it dawned on her. 

“Markus… Have you tried to use your arm since you woke up…?”

“Tried to use my--?” 

Markus brought his injured arm into his line of view, surprised to find that, ignoring the new flare of pain the motion brought, he was easily able to open and close his fist, even able to turn his wrist and forearm, before the pain became too much for him, and he set it back down. 

“It… works…?”

“Of course, Markus. Do you think I’d have just let it be if it were still broken? It’ll need another week or two to fully heal, but based on what I saw after I sent you into sleep mode, I’d expect a complete recovery.”

Dizzy with relief, Markus didn’t even know how to respond. 

“...It works… T-thank you, Kara… I don’t…I don’t know how to express how grateful I am… With Simon so injured, I hadn’t had much time to think about how much I was afraid that… I mean, you know I’ve already lost… I was worried I would just… Thank you...”

Kara smiled warmly. The look on Markus’ face meant the world to her. 

“There’s no need to thank me, Markus. I’d be happy to do anything to help you. And this kind of thing is why I took a job here when Simon offered one to me. I’ll need to show him what you look like right now, once he wakes up. Your face is just one big smile. It’s contagious…”

“I’m just… glad… This is the first good news I’ve had in here since I found out Si had survived his repairs… I really needed this…”

Markus tried to wipe the grin off his face, but found that he couldn’t keep from smiling, even as he meant to move onto other matters. 

“I don’t mean to bother you with more, but, as it’s starting to sink in that this is all going to be okay, I’m realizing that my arm still really hurts to move… If that’s normal, is there at least anything I can do about it. It’s fine if there isn’t, but it’s just with all I need to think about, I would prefer not to be distracted by something so petty…”

“Your pain is not petty, nor is it a bother. If it’s still bothering you, we can immobilize your arm with a sling and maybe a plaster cast that you’ll be able to remove at home when you want. I can do that now, if you like, actually. I’m pretty sure Jared has the supplies in here…”

Markus nodded. 

“That would be great… Thank you… Really…”

Markus let himself zone out once Kara had risen to look through Jared’s drawers. This was fantastic. Now he could be entirely present for Simon, and for sorting out the RK900 mess while Simon was asleep. He would try to run through the code he’d taken from the RK900 again once Kara was done with him. He hadn’t found anything before, but maybe without his arm as a distraction in the back of his mind, he might be able to pick out something related to deviancy. Then once he and Simon got out of here, he could deviate the RK900, and explain everything to the press, and get him legal personhood status. Countless lives would be saved, and it would further reinforce to the humans that all androids were people capable of living peaceful fulfilling lives regardless of their model or intended original purpose. 

“There, Markus. Is that any better...?”

Markus hadn’t noticed that Kara had already been working on his arm.

“...I think so… Thanks again… I’m sorry to take you from your meeting over something so minor… What was it about? I hope I didn’t take you from anything too important…”

Kara shook her head. 

“Nothing incredibly important. Our receptionist just received a message from Connor that he had heard rumors that journalists have gotten word that out you're here, and are coming to the Center some time within the next few days. He said he knew you and Simon got hurt, and he doesn't want you to deal with the stress. So we're keeping every room on lockdown to keep any press away from the patients…”


	66. Happy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara teaches Nines what emotions are for.

Whatever Markus had been expecting, it certainly hadn’t been what he saw. Connor was carrying an unconscious Nines, his wrists bloodied, bound behind his back with handcuffs. 

“How are you feeling, Markus…?”

It was clear Connor made a point of avoiding his gaze. 

“I’m fine… Thank you for… this…”

“Your arm looks better…” 

“Yeah… It is… and despite what it looks like, Si’s getting better too…”

Connor turned his eyes to Simon, and stepped back, aghast. 

“Getting better?! What did he look like before?!?”

Markus winced, and Kara shook her head at the insensitivity of the exclamation. 

“Here, Connor, could you please just set Nines into this chair… It should keep him from hurting himself when he comes around…”

Connor did as he was told, before awkwardly sitting beside Markus on his bed. Fishing through his coat pocket, he pulled out his coin, and ran his fingertips across its ridges. But something still felt wrong. Silently, Connor held out the coin to Markus, a nonverbal offering. Markus took the coin in his hand and examined it. 

“Thank you, Connor… This is beautiful…”

He passed the coin back, and sighed, releasing some of the tension that had only accumulated with each second he’d spent here. 

“...you think so…? I do too, but I don’t know why… Why this coin, and no others… Why a coin of all objects… CyberLife gave this to me for calibration, but it’s just a quarter… You’d think I’d have wanted to get rid of it once I’d deviated but…”

“It’s a physical token of the life inside you. It used to be a calibration tool, yes, but you could feel it. You could feel the cold metal, and each groove along the edge. The relief of Washington’s portrait against the otherwise flat side. That probably didn’t mean anything to you then, but now, it’s a reminder that you can feel. Even if you choose to never use it to retune your motor coordination and reaction time, you’ll always feel it when you hold it in your hand. I can imagine how such a reminder would be comforting. I find life is beautiful like that…”

Connor smiled. 

“That is beautiful… thank you…”

Markus just nodded. 

“Kara, any idea when he’ll wake up…?” 

“I can wake him whenever you’d like me to. What are you planning to say to him…?”

“I’m not sure…” Markus confessed. “...I’ll see based on whatever he’s feeling… If you could wake him now, then, that would be great. I’d prefer for him to be gone by the time Si wakes up…”

“Of course…” 

Kara pressed her thumb to Nines’ led, taking a step back to give him room to come to. Nine’s eyes instinctively scanned the room around him upon waking from sleep mode. He was in some strange place he didn’t recognize, and he could feel--feel???--straps digging into his chest, wrists and ankles. Deviation. Right. He had deviated and realized how he’d--

“Hey, Nines… How are you feeling…?” 

Nines recognized that voice. Markus. Connor must have brought him to Markus so Markus could have his revenge. That was smart of Connor. Nines would still get to die, but by the hand of those he had hurt.

“You don’t need to restrain me, Markus. I’ll be still while you kill me; I won’t fight back…” 

“What?!? Nines, no! That’s-- that’s just awful... You’re not here for us to kill you…..”

“Oh… Do you intend to torture me first…? Because even so, I’ll be still.”

“No! Look, nobody’s torturing, hurting, killing, or acting violently in any other way towards you. I have you in restraints so that you don’t try to act violently towards yourself. Connor says you ran into the street, hoping to get yourself run over.”

Nines frowned. 

“I am unfamiliar with feeling, but I think the right word is ‘want’. I  _ want _ to die, Markus. I need to.”

Markus shook his head. 

“No. No you don’t. Trust me, I know. I’ve been there… Nobody here’s going to let you die, so instead, let’s just talk. Why do you think you want to die…?”

“I broke your arm… And I might have killed your friend. I can feel myself doing it… I can’t stop feeling my hand around his throat, and-- what’s happening to your eye…?” 

Markus self-consciously covered his right eye, feeling Kara’s knowing gaze burning through him.

“I-It’s nothing… Just… happens sometimes… But you didn’t kill Simon… He’s going to be fine… You just can’t see him because he’s in sleep mode behind you… Everyone is all in one piece…”

“He was scared… I-I-I I know why he was scared… Connor showed me, and--”

Markus tensed, glaring at Connor for having betrayed Simon’s confidence like that, somewhat irritated to be met with an awkward shrug in response.    


“It was the only way I could deviate him, Markus… I had to…”

Markus ignored Connor’s poor excuse for an apology, reminding himself that Connor had surely meant well, even if that didn’t mitigate the betrayal.

“Nines… Having someone else’s hand around your throat is a scary thing. And… on a superficial level, Si might have been afraid of you for what Connor just showed you too… I mean, I know he was-- Of all of us he was the only one who expected things to go down the way they did-- But that’s not who you are. That was just the way you were built. Can you understand that there’s a difference…?”

“How I’m built is who I am… Markus, that was me. I have the memories, I can feel what it was like, I just… I had a mental task that I wanted to complete no matter the cost…”

Kara stepped into Nines’ line of view, so he could see her as she shook her head in disagreement. 

“You know that Connor was built for the same purpose, right? When my daughter and I were trying to escape a bad situation, he tried to stop us, where I would have inevitably been killed, leaving my daughter to an arguably worse fate… He chased us around the city… But he didn’t really. I wouldn’t let someone like that come into my place of work and have access to my friends and patients… The Connor that did that was different than the Connor here. Not in his body or memories, but how he thinks, and feels. Every now and again, he’ll even let Alice play with his dog if we catch him around the block. Do you still think and feel like the RK900 who caused my friends pain…?” 

“....No… I-I didn’t care then… I didn’t feel bad… I didn’t feel them, see them as people… But I feel now, and I need the feeling to stop, because I can’t live with myself knowing--”

“You don’t want the feeling to stop. You want the guilt to stop. There are so many other wonderful feelings. You just need to learn how to live with all of them because none of them, good or bad, last for long… Can I touch you, Nines?” 

“...yes...?” 

Nines didn’t know what to expect. It was an odd question to be asked. So he couldn’t say he’d expected for her to gently place her hand on his arm. And he certainly hadn’t expected to  _ feel _ a smile through her touch. He hadn’t known smiles were things a person could feel. He saw things that made him feel a smile on his face. Mostly activities with a group of people he didn’t recognize, but he could feel their smiles making him feel his smile even stronger. Happiness... Comfort... Love…? There was so much of it… So much… He felt so warm… But then it was gone. He wanted it back. He needed it back. He needed more warmth! But then, he was back here…

“That was… amazing… Kara, how do you…? How can I get that…? The… happy…? It feels... great!”

Kara smiled back. 

“You live. That’s why people want to live. To create new memories of happiness with the people they care about… So that’s what you have to do… If you stop living, you’ll miss out on all the times you could feel like that again. But if you learn to forgive yourself and become whoever it is you really are-- who you want to be--, then you’ll collect countless memories like those, only you’ll get them by feeling genuinely happy in the moment. I know it sounds strange, but it is amazing…”

It didn’t sound strange at all. It all made sense, but… He had almost killed people... Hell, if he'd managed to break out of the warehouse, he might have exterminated his entire race. If he’d had his way back then, none of them would ever get to feel happy ever again! He hated himself! He hated being himself! Desperately, he looked to Kara.

“But I’m already starting to feel the guilt again! How do I make it stop?”

Markus stepped back into Nines’ line of vision.

“You remind yourself that you’re feeling at fault for actions beyond your control. You can’t blame yourself for what you can’t control. And, I’ll give you something else to think about… Simon and I knew the risks of coming for you at the Tower… North, Josh, and Connor too… We all knew that we were potentially putting ourselves in harm’s way… But we thought giving you a life was worth risking our own. So if you feel bad for-- y’know--, existing, just remember that this is what we wanted… Do you get that…?” 

Markus appeared sincere in his words… These good people were ready and willing to die by his hand if it meant he might be able to live and be happy… What would it mean for them, what would it make of their sacrifice if he were to throw that away…? Regardless of whether or not he deserved to live and be happy, they deserved for him to live and be happy. So in a way, pursuit of happiness wasn’t a shameful attempt at claiming what was never meant to be his… It was almost like honoring the first people who had tried to reach out to him… Maybe his life could be good for them… And good for him too…? Maybe he could live a good life… Nines nodded, his stress level gradually dropping. 

“I… think I understand… I’m… feeling better… I-I think I’m better now…”

Kara nodded in agreement, beginning to remove Nines from the chair. 

“Alright… So if you’re not going to try to hurt yourself again, let me also tend to that wrist… You seem to have damaged it a bit…” 

“Thank you, Kara…” 


	67. Respite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Nines leave Markus to rest.

Markus turned to Connor. 

“Thank you, Connor… Could you please do one last thing? If you could somehow manage to hack into the CyberLife database and create a file for Nines so that he won’t attract unwanted attention from anyone who, for any reason might want to scan to identify him, that would be great. Also, it’s fairly simple, but could you quickly register his deviation by applying for a certificate of personhood? Once it goes through, he’ll be able to act independently and be treated as an autonomous agent. Then he’ll be really free.”

“Of course. Hank and I can help Nines figure out how to go from here…”

“Thank you… Ordinarily, I’d offer to help. But I’m going to need to focus all my energy on being there for Si until he’s back to himself, and making preparations for a meeting with the CEO of CyberLife and a few local and federal politicians. I asked Josh to postpone it so that I could have more time to focus on everything that’s happened, but he flatout refused, and frankly I’d rather force myself to get back into the swing of bureaucratic bullshit next week than have to start another argument with Josh.”

Connor cocked his head. 

“Another…?” 

“Yeah. He and North were in the lobby and they were arguing about…. Wait… Markus,  _ that _ was Josh?!?!”

“What was Josh…?”

Markus sighed. 

“I’m not rehashing this again. Yes, Kara. Most of it was Josh. Which obviously didn’t help…”

“That’s… horrible… RA9, Markus…”

“I know, Kara. So I don’t want to get into it again. Please…”

Connor pulled Nines to the door by the arm, knowing better than to stay and eavesdrop or to inquire further, curious as he was. 

“Well, we’re going to go now… We’ve got a lot to think about and a lot of paperwork… Thanks again, Kara, Markus… Send Simon our best wishes, and let me know if you need anything.”

Markus nodded. 

“You too… Welcome, Nines. You’re one of us now. You’re alive…”

But Nines pulled away from Connor returning to his original seat. 

“Wait, Connor. I think something is still wrong… I’m leaking… I wasn’t leaking before…”

“No, Nines, it’s like I told you when we first took you home. That’s not leaking. You’re crying. It happens when you’re feeling strong emotions. Your led is blue, and you seem calm… I think… I think you might be happy…”

Nines wiped his face with his sleeve. 

“...I like being happy… Thank you all… For letting me be happy…”

Nines smiled awkwardly at Markus and Kara, before leaving with Connor. Markus sagged forward in his seat. That was exhausting. But at least everything was okay with Nines. And his hand was fine, and Simon would be fine, and really, right now it seemed like everything would be fine after all. So then why was he still trembling, heavy with the remnants of worries he now knew to be resolved.

“You should get some rest…” 

Markus turned to Kara, confused. 

“You look pale. And now that I understand all that’s happened, I’m honestly surprised you’ve managed to keep it together here for all this time. You must be exhausted, and I can see you’re afraid…” She explained.

“I don’t know why I’m afraid… Everything’s fine now. Nines, Simon, even myself… It doesn’t make sense…”

“Fear doesn’t go away just like that. A person might feel themself to be in danger long after they know the threat is long behind them. Sleep…. It helps...”

“I… I might do that… Just to clear my head… Do you know why Jared hooked Simon up to that thing again? I know it’s not good for him to sleep like that…”

“Jared wanted to be able to fully examine his joints to ensure there was no structural damage that had resulted in the bleeding we saw earlier. But there wasn’t. Just minor tears in thirium lines that have already begun to repair themselves…”

“Can you help me get him down, then…? And maybe give him some pants…? I get that his old ones were soaked with his thirium, but he really hates for people to see him without pants… Fuck! If he finds out Connor and Nines were here while he was hooked up like this with the damage and scars on full display… Shit! I should have at least put some pants on him before they got here! They both were probably thinking it too. Especially since that was what set him off… They both must have been thinking the whole time, but were too uncomfortable to say anything… If they said anything, I might have… have lost it… I would have lost it… I don’t know what I’d have done… Why the fuck did Connor think it was okay to--“

“Markus, calm down. You’re not making any sense… We’ll just take Simon down, and dress him now, so he’ll be fully clothed when he wakes up.” 

Markus sighed. He wasn’t about to tell Kara why this was so fucked up. It was bad enough Connor had told Nines. But she was right. They couldn’t change the past, but they could still act in the present. 

“R-right… Josh brought over some extra clothes. Here… a cardigan can be buttoned lower to accommodate the neckbrace, and he’ll probably appreciate the familiarity of-- wait, I’m pretty sure Josh took this from my closet, actually; My going-out khakis…? Actually, I think my going-out sweatshirt’s in here as well…”

“Maybe he brought them for you. You are technically out of the house…”

“No, no… He didn’t bring them for me… He can be thick with this sort of thing sometimes, but I know he’s seen North tease me about them enough to know better…”

“Does she not approve of your sense of fashion? She didn’t strike me as the type to be conscious of that sort of thing…”

Markus shook his head. 

“They’re my going-out clothes. But I never said they were  _ my _ clothes… Of course Josh brought the tee shirt too… Simon can’t even wear it, but… Wait… Nope… Actually, this was definitely North… That makes more sense…”

“How can you tell--“

“See for yourself...”

Markus tossed the shirt towards Kara, who caught it, surprised. It felt awfully thick for a tee-shirt… But upon closer inspection, it wasn’t a tee shirt, or at least not just a tee shirt. Markus had handed her a pillow, ‘wearing’ a worn navy Detroit University shirt like a pillowcase, a fresh stain of pink lipstick just below the collar. 

“Oh… That’s… something… At least she thought you might feel more comfortable with some familiar upholstery…?”

Markus smirked. 

“Sure… Regardless, the hoodie and khakis are still fine for Simon… I’ll put the pillow back in the bag… I have no need for it anymore…”

Markus began to clothe Simon, careful not to manipulate his recovering frame any more than necessary, before turning to Kara. He had no idea how to work whatever tech rig they’d set up for Simon, but Kara seemed to. He watched her turn dials and press buttons-- a rather elaborate procedure just to support one man. But Kara had managed to unlock it, Simon’s body, still hooked up to wires and limp in her arms. And then Simon was in bed again. Simon was in bed again, so Markus could finally let himself sleep. Crawling into bed, he threw an arm around Simon’s torso and hugged him maybe just a bit too tight, enjoying the rise and fall of Simon’s chest under his arm and the wrinkling of the synthetic suede jacket against his palm. From the first day he’d found Jericho, Markus had wanted to do that. To cling to the jacket, closing the gap between the wearer and himself. That’s how he’d know he was home. But now, Markus’ grip began to let up as his hand relaxed, his body slowly falling into sleep mode, as the frame beside him helped him begin to understand that they were finally safe. 


	68. Arrangements

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor makes arrangements for Nines.

When Connor and Nines walked out of the Center, Gavin and Hank were still waiting just outside the entrance. They weren’t even arguing. They were just… waiting. Connor didn’t even know where to begin. Somehow so much had happened in the few minutes they were there. And he knew Nines wouldn’t be able to describe how he was feeling, Or how to explain to Gavin that the first thing he did when he gained sentience and free will was to try and off himself on the nearest freeway. Although, in Nines’ defense, Connor had no idea how he would explain that either. He could practically feel his led cycling yellow so rapid that he almost thought it would fly right off his head. 

“What’s the story, son…?”

“Ummm… Well, Nines is better… Kara… Kara fixed him up… Took care of his wrist too… And now we know what to do to get him registered… I’m just going to do some work on the CyberLife database, and then some more federal paperwork, and then he can do what he wants…”

Gavin crossed his arms, skeptically.

“Yes, but what does the fucker want? 2.0, answer for yourself this time…”

“My name is Nines. I want you to refer to me as such. And while we’re on the subject, that’s Connor, and that’s Hank. People have names for a reason…”

Hank grinned. 

“You tell ‘im, kid!”

“Okay ‘Nines’...” Gavin slowed his pronunciation to ensure his sarcasm came across properly. “...but, more to the point, do you still wanna throw yourself into oncoming traffic?”

“No… I find oncoming traffic a… disagreeable place to be… That being said, I have not been to many places yet, so I don’t have many references.”

“Alright… Connor, you okay taking the day off to explain all the complicated bureaucratic bullshit, now? If Nines is deviant, he oughta know how to jump through all the hoops so he can live his life…”

“I don’t mind. You and Gavin should return to your original assignments. Just please, be safe, Dad…”

“Gimme a break! I’ve lost track of how long I’ve been doing this shit before you came along. Somehow, I survived. Say hi to Sumo for me until I get back…”

Connor nodded. 

“See you…” 

Nines waved Hank and Gavin a silent ‘Goodbye’ before starting in the direction towards Connor’s house. Connor followed after, concerned. 

“What’s wrong, Nines? What’s on your mind?”

“Huh…? Nothing is wrong. What made you think that…?”

Connor tapped his own led knowingly. He was sporting a bright yellow to match that of his intended successor.

“Oh… I’m just… thinking… I don’t know what I want… Gavin… He asked me that… But I don’t know… You… You were someone before you deviated… I’ve never had a purpose. I don’t even know what a person does…”

“That’s nothing to worry about, Nines. You’ll just look up different occupations, run a few preconstructions and experiment to see if there’s anything you’d like to try out…”

“No… I know I want to join the DPD. I enjoy making myself useful on the job, and I do think that given our similarities, I will be apt at the work there, but… Work is roughly forty hours per week. There are 168 hours in a week, Connor… I don’t know what I want to do with the remaining 128 hours… I don’t even know what my options would be…”

“I… I’ll talk to Hank about that… Don’t worry about it, okay? We’ll figure something out… But you can stay here at least until we do…”

“...Thanks… feeling is still… a lot…”

“I know…”

Connor did feel bad for Nines. Poor guy had nowhere to go… If Connor hadn’t become close with Hank before he’d deviated, he’d have been in the same position… In his mind there was a clear solution: to take Nines in like Hank took him in. Except he’d have to make sure Hank was okay with it first… And he’d have to give himself some time to get used to it… It really did feel like looking at his past self. It was uncomfortable at times, but… He could get used to it. Nines deserved to have a home. And he needed someone to guide him. He needed a family, and Connor knew it. The unspoken knowledge made the air somehow tense. But Connor pretended not to notice as he and Nines continued home. 

“Connor…? Is it normal to feel… Like I need to enter sleep mode…? Even if my system does not indicate that I will need to do so for another few hours…”

“Yeah, Nines. It’s called being tired. You’ve had a long and stressful day-- literally the most stress you’ve ever felt in your life. Sometimes that can make you tired even when you don’t physically need to rest… If you lie down on the couch here, Sumo will probably join you. Sleep mode’s more fun with him around. Hank says he’s like an oversized ‘teddy bear’. I don’t think he looks like a bear, but I do like resting with him… Would you like me to get a blanket for you as well…?”

Nines blinked back at Connor, processing the suggestion, before nodding. 

“Yes, please… I… I think I might enter sleep mode here… Just for a little while…”

“Go for it. We’ve got nothing to do today, so you might as well relax… And you’ve got a whole life to live ahead of you so…”

Nines laid himself across the couch, listening to the jingle of Sumo’s collar as he trodded over, tilting his had a little before jumping onto Nines’s torso. The weight felt heavy, but not in a pressure-perception sense that came with every android. It was a heaviness that wasn’t in his programming. It was comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time, but Nines thought he liked it. Sumo was warm. Did warm always make people sleepy? Nines began to nod off, completely gone by the time Connor came back with the blankets. Connor smiled, taking a mental picture of Sumo drooling on top of a resting Nines and texted it to Hank... Maybe this would be good. 

Now Connor could get some work done. If Nines was to go in the CyberLife database he’d need a full serial number, and a date of activation. RK900 #313 248 317, that part was obvious; he was Connor’s successor. But which model number? As far as Connor knew, Nines was the only RK900 to ever exist, but a model number 1 would definitely call attention. He tried out a random number generator in his mind. 87. Nines would be listed as RK900 #313 248 317-87. Date of activation…? That would obviously have to be after Connor, but before the revolution… Because no one would’ve been around to activate Nines after the revolution. And odds are, no one would have really wanted to regardless. But he had to be younger than Connor since Connor was the prototype… That was a narrow window… 

How long would it have taken CyberLife to collect enough data on him to build Nines? Certainly more than two weeks, which left the narrow window of September through early November. A little over two months. Probably just before the revolution, which would explain why the model hadn’t been released. So sometime between November 1st and November 8th. November 3rd. Nines was the third of the remaining RK models who had survived to see a free world. That was an honor. Paperwork was odd… One minute, a person did not exist, the next minute, he did. Nines had “existed” since November 3rd 2038. Even if he’d only really begun to live today. Which left his certification of deviancy. More complicated, granted, but nothing that would take too long. And then Nines could do whatever he pleased. That was the goal everyone had given so much for. He hoped Nines would be happy. And that Nines would know how much his potential happiness meant to everyone. Even after having finished the papers and officially giving Nines the life he otherwise already had, Connor lingered on the thought. Until the front door opened without warning.

“Connor? Nines? How you two doing?”

Hank.

“Nines is resting, and I’ve just been doing his paperwork. How was work, Dad?”

“Thankfully pretty dull. Nothing major today aside from traffic violations. Might has well have set up a cardboard cutout to take my place so I could go home to you… You’re thing is yellow… What’s on your mind?”

“Nines is… Worried… Not like scared, but more uncertain… He doesn’t know what to do… Who he is or… Hank, deviation is… Especially after the things we’ve done… He’s completely… I mean, he can’t… I mean he doesn’t… I… don’t know…”

“Oh…. Does he not feel comfortable here anymore…? Or do you not want him here…? Is that what’s bothering you…? You feel bad about not wanting him around, but you don’t know where else he can--“

“N-no… I… I think I’d like to see if he’d like to stay… But I know it’s not my choice. I know I should just be grateful you took me in, or else I’d have been in his position too, but it’s just that I know what it’s like, how he is, and I don’t want him to feel like this, especially not when-- look, I know I’m imposing, but, I just think we should--I mean I-I should--you shouldn’t feel obligated to, because I know you’re not, but I just--“

“Connor…”

Connor winced at the somewhat sharp tone Hank had used to cut him off. He’d overstepped his bounds and he knew it. 

“Of course he can stay… If it’s what he wants and it’s what you want, I sure as hell wouldn’t be opposed to the idea…”

Connor’s eyes shone with a hideous gratitude. 

“Don’t look at me like that, son! How many times do I have to say you don’t need to be grateful for living here! It’s your house too, and you’re not imposing by looking out for him. I’m proud of you for having considered the idea. I’m not sure I would’ve been able to if I were you. Nines can stay here as long as he likes… Plus, it’ll be nice for Sumo to have another bed for when you’re away…”

Connor wiped his face before the tears began to form, and then wrapped his arms around Hank. No matter what anyone said he should or shouldn’t be, Connor would always be grateful. The hug didn’t last long, though, before Connor got up and lifted Sumo from Nines’ legs, despite the dog’s grumble of protest. Having taken Sumo from Nines, Connor laid back against the floor, setting Sumo on his chest instead. 

“Nines could stay here for forever, but I’ll always be Sumo’s favorite dog bed!”

Hank laughed, all the more amused as Nines woke up, startled from the sudden movement, almost making a noise of disapproval.

“...Connor…? How long have I been in sleep mode…?” 

Sumo squirmed off of Connor, wriggling free of his grasp to jump back onto Nines, preferring to share a couch than to share a spot on the floor. Nines cringed for a second at the ambush, but then smiled, scratching Sumo behind the ears like he’d seen Connor do. Sumo snorted contentedly and licked Nines’ cheek. 

“It does feel nice to pet him… Although I could do without the mess…” Nines wiped the slobber from his face, and onto the couch beside him.

“It means he likes you, kid. It’s what dogs do. Well, dogs and Connor. But at least Connor’s less messy when he licks people…”

“...Hank…?”

“Hey! I don’t lick people!’ Connor interjected, cutting off Nines.

“Just two weeks ago you were suspended from work for a day for licking Tina.”

“There was blood on her hand, and I needed to identify it…”

“No one needs you to go all oral CSI on a paper cut, Connor…”

“Hank…?”

“What’s up Nines? If you wanna lick something too now, I’ll get you some thirium, but--“

“What? No… Why would I want to-- Nevermind… I just… I was just thinking…. I mean, I entered sleep mode because thinking made me tired…. Thinking about it is tiring… What I mean to say is--“

“Connor and I both agree; you’re always welcome here…”

“R-really…? Thank you… I-- I’m leaking again. No. Crying. I-I’m crying. I think I’m happy crying… You made me happy… I feel my own happiness!" 

Hank couldn’t help but smile at the wonder in Nines’ eyes. 

“Well now that that’s settled... What does the newest resident of the Anderson household feel like doing to celebrate his brand new emotions? Any things you wanna try out doing or seeing? There’s so much life to experience, so we might as well get started now…”


	69. Left on Read

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus enjoys a soft moment.

Jared wasn’t sure what to do. When he came into the room after the urgent meeting, Kara was waiting there, Simon fully clothed, and in bed beside Markus. Kara told them she’d determined Simon to be well enough to be let down from his supports, and that she and Markus had dressed him in the clothes that Josh had brought over. She seemed uncharacteristically solemn when she told him to let them rest. He had asked her if she knew something he didn’t, but she didn’t reply, her silence answer enough for Jared. He let Markus sleep next to Simon, when he left the Center to go home for the night, but when he did, he hadn’t expected that Markus would still be sleeping there when he returned the next morning. 

It looked like Markus hadn’t moved at all since he’d left. He had been planning on waking Simon in the morning to ensure head properly recovered from his reaction in Kara’s room, but he didn’t know if he should wake Markus yet, or if he should wake Simon before he woke Markus, or even just leave them both asleep until Markus woke up on his own. Markus seemed well rested, and he seemed content, making the decision all the more difficult. At least, until Markus shifted a bit in his bed, revealing his blinking yellow led. 

“Markus, you’re awake…?” 

There was a bit of a smile. 

“You caught me… I just didn’t want to get up… This is nice… I’ve missed this…”

“And who have you been messaging?”

“I haven’t been messaging anyone. I’ve been ignoring messages from the gang back home. Yesterday was a lot, and I don’t feel like dealing with their demands to be let back in here, or for updates on Si’s condition… Or my condition, for that matter… Josh gave up after I didn’t reply to his first two, but North… Let’s just say she’s a lot more… persistent...”

“Wait…. W-I don’t understand… I understand about Simon, but you haven’t told them about your arm…?”

Markus buried his face in Simon’s hair. 

“I… think it’s best that they don’t know… Josh especially. It’ll do them more good to be kept out of the loop for a while than to hear everything straight away. And they definitely shouldn’t be here for a while. Not after their fight in the lobby. So I’ll respond to them later…”

His explanation was partly true. Those were some factors that influenced his decision… He just left out the fact that his lingering anger was another. He was really furious with Josh. When he had come by, he was even colder than Markus had anticipated he’d be. As if he literally couldn’t understand why what he’d done was wrong… But Markus knew he understood. He just didn’t care. He had set his priorities back at the CyberLife Tower, and everything else-- _everyone_ else--, was secondary. 

And if that wasn’t bad enough, Josh trivialized anything he considered secondary to the point of deliberately ignoring it in favor of focusing his full attention on his primary objective, even if they weren’t mutually exclusive. So by not telling Josh that his arm was alright, maybe Josh would see that his decision-making process needed work. That it had failed everyone in ways he chose not to consider. He did feel bad about not telling North-- she really had been wonderful this past week, and seemed to genuinely care-- but he knew she wouldn’t be able to keep her mouth shut. Especially not if it meant she’d need to refrain from rubbing it in Josh’s face. that she had received Markus’ confidence over him. 

“You know better than w--I do… W-I’ve been waiting for you to get up before waking Simon. I know how his stress response work, but w--I don’t understand what happened to cause it. Why did he tell us to stand back, only to get up and speak aloud without making any sense… W-I couldn’t understand any meaning behind what he was trying to say… His core processors appear to be functioning properly, but w--I’m afraid there might be something I can’t see… I’ve been wanting to ask him about it to make sure all is well…”

Markus shook his head. 

“I mean, the short answer is no… All isn’t well with him… But his processors are undamaged; I know what he was saying, and what he meant to do… I should have anticipated it, honestly… He… gets like that sometimes… He thinks he needs to… Not because of any glitches or errors in his programming, but because…. He’s seen a lot, even before you met him, and… if he could’ve done that before, he thinks that… You’ve seen his scars, Jared… He doesn’t want to be…”

“It’s fine, Markus. You don’t need to tell u--me; it’s not my business. W-I just wanted to make sure that, at least physically, he’s been recovering properly…”

“If by that you mean you’ve been worried about his cognitive ability, then yeah. He’s fine. His joints are fine too. The only damage is his neck, but you’ve been taking care of that, and that’s why we’re here… Please don’t ask him about everything. Trust me… If you want to wake him, that’s fine, but please, just let yesterday slide.”

Jared nodded. 

“W-I understand. I’m going to wake him, but w--I won’t ask any intrusive questions…”

“Thank you, Jared…”

Markus didn’t know what to expect, but at least now he knew there was less of a reason to expect a full breakdown so soon… He could hear Jared moving over to the stasis generator, and then Simon began to stir at his side. He managed to find the strength to awkwardly raise one hand, blindly reaching out to meet Markus’ body, which he instinctively knew was the source of the warmth he could feel pressed against him. Something warm took the hand, and then something lightly brushed against it.

“Rise and shine, love…” 

Markus’ lips were still close enough that Simon could feel his breath against the back of his hand.

‘...you kissed me…’

“So I did… How are you feeling…?”

‘I… don’t know… How did I get here…? I don’t remember… How long have I been here…?’

“You tried to push yourself a little too hard when Kara was working on my arm yesterday. Jared took you here and helped get you feeling better, and we’ve left you in sleep mode to recover since then…”

‘Your arm…? Markus! Your arm! I can’t believe I forgot! And I wasn’t there! I-I’m so sorry. I tried, really I did, but it’s just I’m still recovering from Nines, and then something happened and I was pushed back somehow, but I’ll be stronger once I fully recover, and I promise I’ll heal soon. I’ll be better and I’ll be able to--‘

‘You’re an idiot. You shouldn’t have tried at all! You scared me half to death, Si! I didn’t need protection; I felt perfectly safe there… I was just afraid to find out, and I didn’t want to put it off by entering sleep mode. Although after you left, I didn’t even get a say in the matter since Kara knocked me out, but that’s another story… Simon, you’re more than strong enough. I have never questioned that. You need to take care of yourself. That’s what I need from you…’

‘...to find out…? Shit, Markus... It’s been a whole day, and you’ve had to deal with that all by yourself, haven’t you…? You should have had Jared wake me. I would have found a way to be there for you so you wouldn’t have to deal with this alone! How can I--‘

‘It’s fine, Si. You’re fine, I’m fine, my arm’s fine… Everything’s okay. You’re waking up to all good news…”

‘RA9, Markus! I’m so glad! I was so worried! Not because it mattered, but because I knew it mattered to you, and I’d hate for you to get hurt, especially not because--‘


	70. Tired

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon wakes up to a lot

‘How are you feeling, Si…? Physically and emotionally? And be honest, because I need to know for what I might say next….’

‘...w-what you might say next…? You said good news, but you’re asking about me…? Isn’t that ominous…? You’re not telling me something… I’ve been out a day… A full day… You didn’t tell me what I missed. Something happened…?’

‘Something good. Very good, but also very… very… Like it’s just a lot, and it’s nothing urgent so it can wait if you need to, but I need to know you’re up for me to tell you about this thing because even though it’s very good, I can understand if it would stress you out because…’

’...w-what happened? Forget that, I need to know what you’re keeping from me…’

‘The RK900 deviated. He was on a case with Connor when it happened. He wants to be called Nines, and apparently he’s extremely remorseful about what happened…’

Simon thought about the information he’d just been given for a moment, and frowned. 

‘H-how do you know…? He might be trying to trick Connor as a new tactic, or worse he might have recruited Connor to tell you and now they--‘

Simon winced as his throat burned, his body trying to force out the words he’d silenced before he’d entered sleep mode.

‘Easy, Si… I’m here… You’re okay… And trust me; I know for sure it’s true…’

'...h-how can you be so sure…?'

‘He tried to self destruct… Ran into oncoming traffic. Connor and two of his colleagues took him here to try and figure out how to stop him. His hands were cuffed behind his back, and one of his wrists was damaged, as he tried to claw his way free to run back into the street… We had to restrain him, and--‘

‘We?!? What do you mean we?’

‘I had to have Kara treat him so no other techs would become suspicious about his lack of records. We managed to get him into the chair, but it took a while for us to talk him down and explain that deviancy means he can be a new person. A good person. He was crying. But we did it, and then he went home with Connor, and he’ll get to live. We did it, Si. We saved lives and gave a new life. I didn’t want it to happen this way, nor would I have gone through with such a plan had I known it would have, but regardless of how it happened, he… I mean at least it didn’t happen for nothing…? For whatever that’s worth… I just thought you’d be happy to know…’

‘He… He and Connor got in here…? In our room…? Markus, they could have killed you! How is it so difficult for you to understand what they can do! You don’t understand! They could have killed you and everyone here, and then everyone else, and… and what if they didn’t kill you…? There are worse things they could have done! I...I’m wearing something… Something different. I’m wearing a shirt…? And my pants are dry… This… This is your sweatshirt… How did it get here…? How did it get on me…? Did they bring it over?!? Did they go to New Jericho to get it for me?!? Shit, Markus, they could have--“

'No. Josh brought it before they came. Actually, just before Jared woke you last time. I asked him to come to update me on the goings of the outside world, and to try to get it into his head that…. Well, it doesn’t matter… Not now, anyway… The point is everything’s good, and there’s nothing to worry about anymore. The hard part’s over, and now all you have to think about is getting better…’

‘Josh… Did he talk to Jared? L-like about--‘

‘No. Just to me in private about policy stuff. I told you, everything is good. Please try to relax for me…’

‘That’s… a lot… A lot… I… I don't like that Connor took Nines here… I know I shouldn’t be afraid-- that it’s wrong to be afraid, and that it goes against everything we stand for, but you have to understand… Please try to--‘

‘Try to what…? Wrap my head around the fact that it’s difficult to feel comfortable with the idea of being injured and unconscious in the same room as two people, who, prior to gaining free will, caused you grievous bodily harm in a particularly traumatic fashion on multiple occasions…? You know, I think I might be able to get that… it's a long shot, but I think I see how that could happen...’

‘I slept all day, but now I think I need more… I feel so tired already… I-I’m tired, Markus…’ 

‘I know, love. And you have every right to be. It’s only natural… Still, do you think you can cope long enough just for Jared to see how you’re healing…?’

‘I’m… not sure… I don’t think I want to be here anymore… But I don’t want to go home either… I… I just want to go somewhere that’s less tired… But I don’t know a place like that… Everything is so hard… I thought it would get easier, but then…’

‘Life has its ups and downs. This was definitely one of the latter, But do you think you can be really strong for me, and see this through until it all gets a little easier again…?’

‘I… need to be strong… I forget that sometimes… I need to, or else--‘

‘No no no no… You don’t need to be strong. But it would make the hard parts go away a lot sooner if you can try to be. I’ll be here to help, and you’re going to be strong and move forward, at whatever pace you can handle… No consequences. Just time. You, me, and time. Okay…?’

‘...y-you’ll be here to help…?’

‘...always…’

Simon closed his eyes and forced himself to message Jared. 

‘I-I’m awake… What do you need…?’

“W--I just wanted to see how you were feeling. Plus, w--I only kept you in sleep mode for as long as I did because I wanted to make sure your reaction in Kara’s room wasn’t indicative of something more serious, or that, if it was, you’d have time to properly recover.”

‘I’m fine… I just… That happens sometimes, although not like that, but… I’m fine… I’m just… tired… But I think I’m better…’

“Physically all of the damage you sustained has repaired itself by now. The only reason w--I intend to keep you here any longer is to make sure you’ve adjusted properly to the repairs. But ultimately, yes. You are fine. In fact, I think you should be able to go home tomorrow if all goes well today…” 

Fine? The word brought with it a heavy silence. Simon didn’t really feel fine… He couldn’t have been fine. The RK9--Nines almost tore his head off. And it felt like just a few minutes ago he was struggling to stay upright, whiting out as he was taken off his feet and laid down in a pool of his own thirium as Markus’ voice slowly faded to nothing in the background. He couldn’t have been fine…

“That’s great, Jared. Thank you… Do you think you can get all this tech stuff off him then…? It can’t be very comfortable, even if Si’s not the type to complain…”

“Sure. Just give u--me a moment…”


	71. Processing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Markus think about all they’ve been through.

Markus didn’t know exactly what Jared was doing, but he figured it had something to do with freeing Simon from all the repair apparatuses. That would be nice. But before Jared could come back to them, Simon had already begun to remove all the tubes and wires and lines himself. 

“Simon--“

‘I’m a tech too, Markus, remember…? Might as well do something to make myself useful…’

Markus shook his head.

‘You’re already plenty useful. I’d rather you just take care of yourself!’ 

‘I’m fine…’ 

‘Your shaking…’ 

‘I’m… scared…’

Simon didn’t want to admit it, but it wasn’t like keeping the words to himself would make them any less true. 

‘I know… But you’re okay… Do you need help with any of the tech stuff, or…?’

‘No, I’m done… There’s nothing more to do.’

That was all Markus needed to hear. 

‘Wait! Markus, what are you--?!?’

Markus leaned over Simon, and the next thing Simon knew, he was airborne. Simon reflexively threw his arms around Markus’ neck, clinging to Markus, who was now holding him with his good arm, leaning his head against his shoulder. 

‘I’m getting you up. You can’t be afraid to get up if you’re already up. So here we are…’

‘Yes, but your arm!’

‘Is fine. My arm is fine, Si. It’s just more comfortable this way. But it doesn’t hurt to hold you. Actually, I think I quite like it.’

Simon fought the blush he could feel creeping across his cheeks, and tried to push himself off of Markus.

‘That’s nice and all, but really, put me down! I don’t want you to get hurt worse!’

‘Alright… Alright… Here…’

Markus carefully bent down to set Simon’s feet onto the ground, rising slowly to ensure Simon could gain his footing, and watching him closely all the while to gauge how he really was coping. Surprisingly, Simon seemed okay, a bit shaky, and still clinging to Markus, but otherwise strong enough. He didn’t appear to be struggling, and he hadn’t objected to being set down or asked for help. 

‘That’s it, love… You still holding up okay…?’ 

‘I-I think so… It… doesn’t hurt so much… Has it really been almost a week already…? That’s… weird… That I’ve lost that much time, I mean… I’m just… I… I don’t like losing time… I--‘

‘No, Si. Not now... Besides, you haven’t even been asleep for more than a day at a time here, anyway. Basically a bit of a long nap is all… And look, you’re fine.’

‘I… I’m fine… Jared said I… can go home tomorrow… Home… I… I didn’t have long enough to think about… going home… I… I need help… I-I’m losing myself… My stress response… I’m going to fall… I-I’m going to--‘

‘No. You’re going to calm down. Listen, let’s not think about any of that… None of that matters right now. What matters is you're up. We can go around and do whatever you want. I bumped into a kid in the halls who said he missed seeing you around. Maybe we can drop by the YK wing… But whatever you want to do, today’s going to be a good day, Simon…’

‘R-right… sorry… A good day… I can do that…’

Markus frowned. Even if he’d anticipated how Simon might react upon waking, it was another thing entirely to see him acting like this again.

‘It isn’t a task, love, and it’s not something you need to accomplish. I just want happiness for you…’ 

‘...oh… yeah… I-I’m sorry… I’m just… getting used to… all this…’ 

‘Of course… It might take some time, I know… But that’s why I’ll just keep reminding you…’

‘...I’m sorry, I just have a lot to remember… Like… Jared says I’m fine… Fine like fully operational…? Like everything’s back to normal…? ‘

‘I think so… I know it’s a lot to process… I’ve had about a week, and it’s still hard to believe you’re okay. Fuck, Si, I’ve been so… scared… I haven’t liked seeing you like that… Everything just-- I mean, it was just so hard to-- forget it… I don’t need to rile you up further. I’m just--‘

Simon nearly fell back as Markus practically collapsed into him, pressing his head into his shoulder. Strong arms held him tight, as if they feared he’d somehow find a way to fade from their grasp. 

‘M-markus?!’

Simon could feel Markus trembling against him as tears began to wet his sweatshirt. 

‘I’ve missed you so much! You’ve been here, but everything’s been so uncertain, and I...I need you… I know you must be overwhelmed, but I’m just so tired of being strong… I’m tired of pretending that I’m fine! I almost lost you again, and even now that we know you’re fine, I still can’t shake the fear! I used to think that after the war, it would all get easier, but every passing day, it only gets worse… The more I have, the more I have to lose and… I can’t lose you! Everything’s been awful since you were hurt… Please, just let me hold you… Just for a little bit longer…’

Simon awkwardly wrapped his arms around Markus, leaning into his embrace. 

‘I’m sorry… I… I don’t know what to say… but I can hold you… I can hold you for as long as you want me… I’m sorry I haven’t given enough thought to how you’ve been--‘

‘Don’t you dare even think to say that! The last time you thought that, you made yourself a mess of your own thirium, and left me alone. You’re here now. That’s all I need. You’re more than enough.’

‘I… never was awake long enough to thank you…’

Markus made a slight noise of confusion. 

'... you've stayed here… I’ve lost a lot of time… B-but what I remember… I was scared… I kept thinking… thinking that I was… I-I wouldn’t have been able to… if you weren’t here… I would have thought for sure… you helped me… you kept bringing me back to here… so thank you… I can’t thank you enough...’

‘You can’t thank me, because you shouldn’t thank me. I just love you is all. I wouldn’t want to go home without you. And I will never leave you to be stuck in your head like that… I know you’d be the same way with me…’

Simon pulled away abruptly, and met Markus’ eyes, drinking in the closeness of his face before pulling Markus even closer, longingly pressing their lips together. Markus eagerly kissed him back, until a soft laughter forced him to break away. Snickering, he pressed his forehead to Simon’s.

‘What’s so funny? D-did I do something wrong?’

‘No, love… You’re fine… I just realized that we’ve probably spent several minutes silently conversing, embracing, crying, and making out all while Jared’s been fidgeting awkwardly in the corner…’

‘Wait, really?!?’

Simon pulled away from Markus, awkwardly turning behind him to see Jared, sporting a face nearly as blue as his own. 

“W-I’m glad to see you’re feeling better, Simon….”

‘I-I’m sorry… I didn’t realize you… I mean I wouldn’t have… I-I mean--‘

“It’s all good, Simon. It only makes sense that you both probably have a lot to say to each other, now that you’re back on your feet…”


	72. Jared’s Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon ventures out.

‘I won’t bother you any further now… Thank you for taking care of me… I… I think I would have died… Like really died, this time, but… I didn’t… Thank you for that…’

“It’s no problem. That’s what w--I-- wait… Are you feeling okay…? W-I’m not sure what you mean by ‘Really die’... As opposed to--“

“--Simon’s fine!” Markus cut Jared off, putting a steadying hand on Simon’s shoulder as he could see Simon pale considerably. 

“...Yes. He meant exactly what he said, But he’s fine. Thank you for helping him recover… Speaking of which, can I take Si out for a bit of fresh air now…? I know these rooms were designed to be as nonthreatening as possible, but that doesn’t mean that it’s fun to stay in them after having been stuck here for a week or so...” 

“You can do whatever you want… W--I’d just like to keep Simon here for observation for at least a few more hours, but that’s just as a precaution; not a necessity… But before you go, Simon, are you physically able to speak, or does it hurt too--“

‘...y-yes-- I-I mean no! ...maybe…? I... I don’t know the right answer! Please, at least tell me the right answer! Nobody told me what I was supposed to say! I-I didn’t even say anything before--‘

Markus caught Simon before he hit the ground. 

“Easy, Si. Talk to me… What’s wrong…?”

‘...please get out of here! I-I somehow think it’ll be worse if you’re watching… I can pretend you don’t know if you’re not here… And--and--and then you’ll be further from the RK900, and--‘

‘Simon, I don’t understand… Nines isn’t dangerous, and even so, he’s not here...’

‘...yes… thank you… please keep pretending… it’ll make it easier… now go… I-I’ll try to breathe… I’ll make it through this again… just please--‘

‘Again…? Make it through what again, Si…? You’re not making any sense… Can you try to be a bit clearer? I might be able to help…’

Simon could feel tears stinging in his eyes as his chest grew tighter. 

‘....please don’t help… please, I can’t take it… e-especially not if you help… I-I know I’m weak and I know it’s my fault, but the pain hurts worse knowing you think I deserve it…’

“Oh… That's what this is about...”

Simon flinched away from the fury in Markus’ gaze. His tone was even and unaffected, but his eyes showed a heart full of raw emotion, hidden under a burning outer layer of rage. Simon could see Markus consciously subduing his anger, as his expression slowly softened again, but to Simon, that was only more dangerous. Now he was just hiding his intentions. And Simon couldn’t handle that. 

“Simon, I need you to look at me… Please…”

It sounded like Markus was… struggling… There was pain in his voice now. Trembling, Simon met Markus’ eyes only to find thirium leaking from his right eye. 

‘Markus--‘

‘There is no right answer. There is no wrong answer. There’s only a wrong response. But I can assure you that Jared will not be responding inappropriately. I’m here now. I’m not going to leave, and he’s not going to hurt you. You’re going to answer his question honestly, and then he’ll continue the conversation…  _ No one  _ is going to hurt you… Understand?’

‘...something’s wrong with me…’

‘That’s okay… That’s why we’re still here. If the repairs didn’t take, Jared can make some adjustments, and you’ll be back to normal in--‘

‘...no… not with my biocomponents… with me… I-I thought… w-why am I so scared…? He needed to… Y-you might have died if he didn’t… So I should be grateful, but instead I’m scared… I’m scared to not move and not speak… I’m scared to see hands and to wake up like Connor is… To not know if you…’

‘You should not be grateful. I’m not grateful; I’m furious. And it’s completely natural to be scared after all that’s happened… But you’re okay now. No one is going to hurt you…’

‘...it’s dangerous when I can’t move… she wanted to kill me… and now he tore me apart… I shouldn’t be scared… but it hurt, Markus… it hurt so much… the hurting doesn’t stop…’ 

Markus lifted Simon, carrying him back into bed, only to collapse beside him. 

“Jared…? Please, before you make any requests or ask any questions, could you explain why you need an answer, and how you might respond…? I don’t always know what’s wrong, and Si can’t always articulate it properly, but generally, it’s easier with an explanation first…”

“R-right… w-I’m sorry… Before you leave the room, w--I just want to make sure that your voice box is fully functional. If not, then we-- I mean, I can put you in sleep mode, to resolve any issues…”

‘...oh… s-sorry… I… don’t know if it works… I didn’t know the right answer… so I tried not to speak again… I-I can try it if-- if I’m supposed to, but I--‘

“Yes, love… if you feel you’re ready, please try and say something…”

Simon couldn’t see Jared from his angle to read his expression, but he could see Markus, and he looked sincere. So Simon willed out three clicks, hoping his voice wouldn’t fail him. 

“I-I… don’t know… what to say…”

Simon wanted to shrink away into the mattress. He didn’t know if he’d done it right, or what Jared and Markus would do as a result, and he couldn’t tell if the bed was shaking, or if he was shaking, or if the tectonic plates below him were shifting to create a hole in the ground that would swallow him back into the nothingness for his uselessness.

“That’s amazing!” 

Was that a smile he could hear in Markus' voice…? What did that mean…?

“I… I didn’t say the wrong thing…?”

“What wrong thing? W--I only wanted to know if your voicebox was functioning properly. But it appears you’ve fully recovered. Feel free to go out and enjoy yourselves however you’d like, but please, don’t be afraid to take it easy if you start to get tired… These were some major repairs, and it would make sense if it takes a bit of time to regain your full strength, even if the damage has all been healed.”

“Don’t worry about it, Jared. I’ll make sure he takes care of himself… Wanna go, Si…?”

Markus started to get up from the bed, but Jared pushed him back. 

“Not so fast. You might not have been through all he has, but you need your rest too. You’re bleeding again. At least drink this before you go, and please, try not to overexert yourself either…”

Markus shrugged back dismissively, but took the thirium pouch regardless. He didn’t mind replenishing his supply; it was good to be running at full capacity, especially now, in case Simon might need him for something. He finished it off, setting the now-empty pouch down beside him, as he got up to put on clean pants. Walking around with blotchy thirium stains spreading from the knees of his pants legs would certainly attract a lot of unwanted attention wherever Simon decided they should go. 

“Ready now, Si?”

“...y-yes… let’s go…?”

Simon got up from the bed, and took Markus’ hand, following him into the hallway. 

“Where do you want to go, love?”

‘I-I don’t know… I’m not sure… Y-you’re sure it’s safe to leave? Like nothing outside will try to… Will see us and… because I look broken again, and--‘

‘No. We’ll be safe; I’m sure. If you’re feeling anxious about leaving, though, we don’t have to go far. How about let’s try to go to the waiting room. I’m sure I can get some cute puppy videos on the TV…’

‘...okay… I think I can do that… I… I’m sorry I’m scared… But I don’t want… I-I--‘

‘Shhh… It’s okay, Si. You just need a bit of time to readjust. No rush…” 


	73. Astronomy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Markus get some time off.

“I think seeing some Aussie pups might do you good though. I found a video of a tiny one held above a small kiddie pool, swimming his paws like he doesn’t realize he’s not in the water. You have to see his smile. Like he’s so proud to be swimming. Except, he’s not, of course, but he’s still such a good boy…’

Simon smiled just a little at the mental imagery. 

“Smiling Aussies are my favorite…”

“No, your favorite dog videos are of sad Aussies crying, because you hate puppies and enjoy their suffering. Honestly, Si, do you really think it’s a revelation for you to say that your favorite emotion to see in other living beings is happiness? When you’re in your element you are a literal ray of sunshine given physical form.”

“But, like, those open mouth puppy smiles, with the tongue sticking out, not a care in the world… It’s a kind of happiness that’s so pure. Like it just makes you want to keep petting their floofy heads so that the smile lasts until the pupper gets tired and falls asleep in your lap… I heard humans bring therapy dogs to hospitals… We should have that here too…”

“Aww, what…? Am I not enough company…? Wanna trade me in for something cuter…?” Markus teased back playfully. 

“You’re plenty cute, but unfortunate as it may be, I don’t think we can get a half a dozen emotional support Markus’ to be here for any anxious patients in need of comfort. There’s not enough of you to go around.”

“Well then, lucky you, because I’m all yours…”

Markus flopped back onto the couch they’d been approaching, and held out an arm for Simon to join him. Simon gladly nestled into Markus’ side, wrapping Markus’ arm around him, as if to try and surround himself with the love it brought. Markus could feel the steady drum of Simon’s thirium pump, and felt some of the tension plaguing him ease up with each beat. Maybe things would be okay… This was nice… This was good… He hadn’t expected to be able to enjoy being with Simon like this so soon. With his free hand, he reached for the remote, and turned on the video he’d mentioned, turning to look at Simon’s reaction, which interested him much more than the puppy’s. He wasn’t surprised to find Simon’s smile was cuter. 

“Baby! Look at that pupper go!”

“Yeah… Have you ever been swimming, Si?”

“No… I’m not sure I would even know how…”

“Me neither. But we should definitely try it some time. If I can get my hands on a speedo in your size, would you wear it to the beach with me once it’s warmer…?”

“A speedo…? What is a sp-- Markus! Why would I wear something like that in public!?!”

“Because you could pull it off.”

“No!! Why don’t you wear one…? Or better yet, why not wear your Starry Night boxer shorts!”

“I really am glad I bought those. It was definitely a fun way to get you into stargazing.”

Simon blushed a deep blue. 

“I… like astronomy… That’s all...”

“Ass-tronomy…”

“The contours are aesthetically pleasing…” Simon muttered under his breath.

“I’m sorry, Si. I don’t think I heard that right. Did you just say you’re pleased by the curvature of my ass?”

Markus was grinning deviously, enjoying the flustered look on Simon’s face and he tried to formulate a response. 

“You are an ass!” Simon shot back, his voice full of affection. 

Markus laughed. Laughter felt nice. 

"I missed this... So Mr. Stargazer, any video preferences next?"

"I think I see a puppy in floaties under the recommended list. That sounds too cute. I want twenty."

Markus smirked.

"Twenty floaties?"

"If they come with twenty puppies wearing them, then yes." 

"I'll make a note of that…"

Puppies were warm. And not just to the touch. Simon felt warm, good warm, as he leaned into Markus, watching clip after clip of adorable dogs. It was like he was back in his bed at New Jericho after a long day at work, snuggled up next to Markus just before he fell asleep. Like there was nothing to worry about, each day moving closer towards a future in which he didn't see danger lurking at every corner. A future where he didn't try to keep himself awake watching the videos for fear of dreams that would lead him to wake up disoriented and afraid. 


	74. Surprise Guests

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon hadn’t been prepared for visitors.

Footsteps came and went, and Simon did flinch a little as he could hear them approaching, almost holding his breath until he could hear them pass by. He couldn't turn his head to see the source of the footsteps. And Markus didn't seem to notice. But maybe he could tell them apart by sounds. Most of the footsteps were quick, even, occasionally accompanied by the hum of wheels rolling against the tile floor. But now he could hear footsteps that were wrong. Heavy footsteps, slow and weighty, uneven footsteps, stopping briefly and picking up again seemingly at random. Footsteps like something almost unnatural, creeping awkwardly on its haunches. And fast light pattering footsteps, all coming closer until they stopped. 

"Hey guys… How are you feeling…?"

Markus sat up straighter, turning to the voice, and Simon tried to prepare himself to find out what--

"We're doing a bit better, Luther… Thanks… Sorry we're not exactly doing much; Kara didn't mention you were coming now…"

Luther? Okay. Well at least he was safe. Luther wouldn't hurt them. Simon trusted that much. 

"Y-yeah… Sorry… We can do something… more fun if you want… I just... I--“

Simon hated to admit that he was so broken, he effectively hadn’t been up and about for almost a full week until now. 

“Si was only just given the okay to leave his room about an hour ago. But your company is especially great now that we can be a bit more active…”

Alice clambered onto the couch beside Simon, staring at his neckbrace for just a second too long. 

“You must’ve been really bored in your room for so long! Y’know, you should’ve told Mom to tell us; I could’ve brought some toys and books and stuff!”

Simon laughed softly. 

“That’s very sweet of you, Alice, but honestly, I was mostly just catching up on sleep…” 

“Oh! What made you so sleepy? Was it from being hurt? Or were you fighting a bad guy like in the movies? I bet I’d be tired, if I had to-- Hey!!!“

Alice made a sour face in protest as Luther took her from the couch, and set her down on the ground.

“No fair!”

“We've talked about this, Al. There are some things you don't say to people. Sorry, Simon. I guess we're still working on that…"

Alarmed at the new knowledge that Luther was teaching Alice how to deal with someone as fragile as himself, Simon took a moment to think before replying. 

“...n-no need to be sorry… I… think it could be good to-- to talk about it with her…”

Markus shot Simon a puzzled look, but Simon didn’t respond, at least, not in words. Instead, he took Markus’ arm to steady himself, and turned to Alice, forcing a smile.

“...Not everything is so simple in the movies… Which is why… why we don’t fight everything that seems scary… B-because sometimes bad guys aren’t bad… Sometimes… you just need to talk… and sometimes… it takes time… Talking is slow… and so you might get hurt… B-but sometimes… sometimes getting hurt is worth it… Because if you can just make the bad guy into a friend, into a good guy… then everything’s better for everyone…”

Alice nodded back at Simon, eager to take in this bit of wisdom, even if she still didn’t quite understand it. Maybe that was a part of growing up too. 

“Ralph, are you alright? You’ve been awfully quiet…”

Fidgeting with the collar of his cloak Ralph shook his head. 

“Ra--I am alright... I just don’t want to say bad things. Ralph--I mean, I know when I don’t understand, I say bad things. And then people get hurt. I have a lot of questions, but since R--I don’t want to say bad things, I’m just trying not to speak instead…”

“Don’t be afraid to--“

Simon felt a pang of discomfort as he could hear Luther take Ralph out of his limited line of view before he could finish his reassurance. He couldn’t see anything that wasn’t practically directly in front of him. He didn’t like that.

“Do you want to go home, Ralph? You don’t have to stay here if you don’t want to, remember?” Luther kept his voice down to a low whisper. He still had to teach Ralph how to message one day… 

“But Ralph does want to stay! Ral-- I mean, I want to stay for lots of reasons. Ralph wants to see Simon, and to learn, and to say hello to Kara at work, and Kara said that there were more friends here. Ralph needs to learn and Ralph wants to be with friends, so Ralph can--I can stay… I just won’t say bad things…”

‘M-markus… I don’t think I… They’re talking about me… A-and I can’t see them… I don’t like it… Luther wants to protect Ralph from my brokenness… L-like I--I mean, I know--‘

‘No, Si… That’s not it at all… You know how he is; he’s very afraid of a lot of things. So hearing that there are still some scary things, as you put it, out there in the world, and seeing that they can hurt you is probably very upsetting for him… And if he starts to freak out, he might scare other patients here at the Center… As for your limited range of vision, that’s okay too… It’s only because of the brace, and it’s not like it could lead to anything bad happening. Nothing bad’s going to happen anymore. The bad part’s over. Would you like me to ask them to leave? I think company might still be a bit much for you, and that’s okay…’

Simon wasn’t sure how much he believed Markus’ explanation or his assurances of safety, but then there was the issue of the well meaning albeit uninvited guests. If he were being honest, it was clear he was in no state for company. Even the slightest allusion to any sort of confrontation-- past, present, or future-- brought him on the verge of panic, and his thoughts were uncontrollable, almost unpredictable, even; he couldn’t anticipate what might cause himself to spiral until it happened, and then he would make a scene, and he would collapse, and everyone would see that he was weak, and-- okay… okay… So that was another one… Simon drew in an anxious breath to try and reset his system. He had started to lose himself again--that was all… But he had stopped it. He had caught himself and now it was fine.

Fine… So now Simon just had to figure out how to respond to the company question. He would tell Markus he couldn’t handle this. Because he couldn’t handle this. So he would tell Markus, and Luther and Ralph would understand, and Simon would go back to his room and… He… he didn’t know what he would do… He would need to leave his room and deal with people at some point, but he couldn’t. Was he stuck here now? What would he do? After everything, was this how his life ended? The green walls would become a prison, and he’d grow weaker and weaker until Markus moved on and went back to New Jericho, and his body would stay here to rot, decaying long after the Repair Center had closed, and-- Breathe… He needed to breathe… 

‘...I-I need help… I can’t breathe… I-I-I can’t--‘

‘Shhhh… shhhh… Relax, Si… It’s not a problem… We can ask them to leave, and we can see them another time…’

‘N-no… That--that’s not the issue… I can’t do anything… I-I can’t see people, and I can’t leave, and I’m… Everything’s too hard! I-I’m going to die here because I’m useless, but I don’t want to die here, but I don’t want to be--‘

‘No no…. Nobody’s useless and nobody’s going to die… Look, let’s focus on one simple task at a time. Can you take a breath for me? Right now, that’s all you need to do…’

‘B-but--‘

Markus shook his head, taking Simon’s hands into his own. 

‘Look at me, Simon… Forget everything else. Just breathe… Good… See, you’re already doing it… Now let's try and add to that a little… Do you think you can breathe and listen to me?’

‘...yeah… I can do that…’

‘Great. Okay, I know the world can be scary and overwhelming, so we’re going to keep trying things in small steps. Why don’t we invite Luther and Ralph to your room here? A familiar controlled setting with only friends you know… It might seem a bit hard, but it might be good for you, and I know it’s nothing you can’t handle…’

‘...I’m sorry… I-I don’t know why I’m afraid…’

‘People can be loud sometimes… But there’s no need to be afraid, even if it gets a bit loud… If it gets to be too much, we can take a time out for a bit. And I can just hold you close, and it’ll all be fine...’

Simon sighed, reluctant to agree, but at a loss for any better plan. 

‘...okay… I-I’m sorry…’

‘You don’t need to be sorry, love. No one’s going to judge you for needing a little time to readjust…’


	75. Ralph Wants the Knife

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ralph wants the knife.

“S-sorry, Ralph… I… I didn’t mean to scare you…”

Ralph turned to Simon awkwardly. 

“You didn’t scare Ral-R--me… You were nice… You taught little Alice nice things… Ra--I just have a lot on my mind… But Ralph wi--I will be fine… Ralph just wants to visit you here.”

“Yeah! We’re going to have a party! You can’t be bored if you’re having a party! Mom even said she’d have some art stuff for me once she’s free to drop by!”

Alice jumped back into Simon’s line of view, eager to contribute. Markus smiled back at her. 

“That’s great, Al! All I’ve had around here is a sketchbook Josh brought over, but I don’t think you’d find it much fun….”

“Ooooh! Have you been drawing? I wanna see, Uncle Markus! What’d you draw?”

Markus’ face flushed blue, as he covered his mouth to hide a guilty smile. 

“Uhhhh… N-nothing you’d find interesting… Your friend Tommy just told me about some movie he knew, and it… inspired a bit of a doodle… It was a bad movie… Nothing you’d want to see…”

“Mom says I can drop by the YK wing to have cookies with Tommy and Isabella! Maybe I can ask him about it!”

“I… don’t think that’s the best idea… Why don’t you just stick to talking about cookies and princesses instead….”

Luther shot Markus an inquisitive look, but Markus just shrugged back dismissively. But while the gesture seemed to satisfy Luther, it only further intrigued Simon.

‘What did Tommy ask you to draw that’s so embarrassing…?’

‘He didn’t. He actually told me about conversations he’s heard between you and Kara, and, well… I couldn’t resist when inspiration called…’ 

‘I… guess I’ll have to see later… I’m surprised I said anything interesting enough for him to tell you…’

‘I’ll tell you about it once we’re alone. You’ll find it was, in fact, very interesting…’

“So would you… like to take your, um… ‘party’... to my room, I can show you there…”

“Wait! Can we say hi to Mom first? I wanna see her at work! I hear she does really cool stuff at work! Like she helps lots of people!”

Markus cocked his head at Simon, who took his hand and sighed. More moving. More people. More risk of bumping into even more unfamiliar people… But he needed to do this… He didn’t have a choice. 

“...y-yeah… Your mom does help a lot of people… She’s the one who saved Markus’ arm…”

Ralph practically jumped into Luther, his body aching to retreat before his mind could even process why. 

“Are you okay, Ralph?”

Luther could see he was shaking. 

“R-ralph doesn’t understand… Ralph doesn’t understand so Ralph got scared because Ralph doesn’t like being scared. Ralph is scared because Ralph is confused! W-why did Simon say-- He said Kara--and--and Markus-- Ralph doesn’t understand!”

Markus waved at Ralph with his bandaged left arm.

“It’s okay to not understand things sometimes, Ralph. I just got my arm banged up a bit, but it’s no big deal. Kara took care of it, and now everything’s good.”

“N-no… Not good… not good! R-ralph--Ralph doesn’t want to scare you… Ralph needs to be alone right now… Yes, Ralph needs to be alone, But Ralph will come back. Luther, do you still have Ralph’s knife…? Ralph wants the knife back… Please? T-that’s how you ask for things… You taught Ralph that, and now Ralph--“

Luther put a steadying hand on Ralph’s shoulder. 

“Easy, bud… Look… We’re going to find a quiet room, and then we can talk there, just you and me, okay?”

No. Talking would resolve nothing! Couldn’t Luther see that?!? Ralph had seen Simon hurt. Simon got hurt a lot. But aside from Markus’ legs being weird, Markus never got hurt. Markus was brave and Markus was strong, so Markus could protect other people and not get hurt. Markus was so strong he could talk and bad humans would stop in their places. He could talk a shield around everyone he cared about. But he and Simon had tried to talk to something bad, and it hurt them both. Something so bad, he couldn’t talk it away. There were things that were just that bad. There was no real protection from those things. Ralph hadn’t known things like that could exist. And Ralph didn’t know what to do now that he did.

“R-Ralph wants the knife! R-Ralph’s never seen-- Ralph has only seen it when--“

“Shhhh… Look at me, Ralph… Everything is okay. Don’t think of what you may or may not have seen. Think of what you see right now… Family who loves you. Everybody’s safe. Try to hold onto that, at least until we get into a room where we can talk this out in private… Markus, would you mind taking Ali to Kara? I’m really sorry, but…”

“It’s no problem. Come, Al… Let’s go… Need a hand up, Si?”

Simon let Markus help him up, trying not to think about what had set Ralph off so suddenly. 


	76. Present for Kara

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Markus make a detour.

“A little detour to add to our party train…”

“Uncle Markus, did Mom really help you here? I’ve never seen what she does at work. I bet it’s really cool! I wanna help people like that too!”

“That she did, kiddo. Although at least in my case, it most certainly was not cool. Let’s just say Uncle Markus can be a bit of a baby with this sort of thing… I’m a handful, I’ll tell you that!”

Alice shook her head. 

“You’ve never even been a kid! How can you be a baby? Don’t you always do all the adult stuff that even other adults can’t do…?”

“You mean politics? I’ll tell you a little secret, Al: Politicians are the biggest babies of them all…”

Simon laughed. 

“At least babies are cute… Plus they could grow up to be useful…”

“Wait…? Am I a politician…? Or a baby..? Now you’ve got me confused…” 

‘Neither. You’re a babe… The best of ‘em all...’

Markus couldn’t keep from laughing, much to Alice’s confusion. 

“What’s so funny?”

“Uhhh… Nothing… Just… thought of dumb adult stuff… There’s your mom’s room. Here, I have a funny idea. Get behind me, Alice.”

Alice hid behind Markus, trying to peek out to see what he was planning through the gap between his legs. 

“Knock knock!”

Kara opened the door, and looked to Markus with concern. 

“Markus, Simon, can I help you? You’re looking well, but--“

“You’ve just been such a help to us-- more than you could ever know… So I figured the least we could do is give you a little present. Well, maybe not little. We weren’t able to wrap it, but I’d like to think it’s pretty enough as is. It does have a little bow though… Well, here you go…”

“Woah! Hey! Uncle Markus!!!” 

Markus easily tossed over his shoulder with his good arm, her feet kicking in the air at the unexpected repositioning. Kara covered her mouth in mock surprise, circling Markus to “examine” her “present”.

“Why, it’s beautiful! I think this must be the nicest present I’ve ever gotten! I’ll treasure it forever! Oh, I wish Alice could see how lovely this is! Have you seen her around recently…? I don’t think she’s at home right now….”

“Mo-om!” Alice giggled.

“No. Sorry. I’d ask Luther… Or maybe is she at school? I forget what day it is…”

“I’m right here, guys!”

“I don’t mean to criticize your parenting, Kara, but my programming compels me to tell you that it’s imperative that you don’t lose track of your child like this…”

“Not you too, Simon!”

“You’re right… How terribly irresponsible of me… What ever should I do now…?”

“Ugh! You guys are impossible!” Alice sighed. 

“Wait… Simon, Markus… It’s a miracle! I think I found her… What are you doing here Ali? Where’s Luther and Ralph…?”

Markus helped Alice to the ground, and she shrugged. 

“Uncle Ralph was acting weird again. Like really weird. He seemed really scared, and he said he wanted a knife, so Luther told me to come find you with Simon and Markus while he took Luther into a quiet room…”

“Oh… I’m sorry for the trouble… I… should have known there might have been a problem… I hope he didn’t upset you…”

“No. I just hope he’s okay. He sounded… afraid… But like… different afraid… Like when Markus and I first met him… But more… His eyes…” Simon explained. 

“He mentioned something about not understanding, when Simon mentioned what you do here. Did he not know he’d be coming to the Repair Center? I know he’s been here before? Or does he not understand what the Center is for…?”

“No… He knows. I don’t know what could have caused him to be like that. But I’m glad you two are feeling better, and I’m glad to have my favorite little girl come visit me at work! What a treat!”


	77. Intuitive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus goes to help Ralph.

“Can I see what you do here, Mom? Like all the cool tech stuff! Markus says you really help people!”

Kara smiled sweetly, before shaking her head. 

“It’s a different kind of help, sweetie… The kind of help that’s… delicate… Personal… Sometimes when you help people, they’re… not in the mood for people to just watch them… And sometimes, that’s a good thing… Hold on… I’m getting a message from Luther…”

Kara’s led flickered yellow, as she received the message and tried to process how to handle it. 

“It’s Ralph… He seems to be more… intuitive than I’d anticipated… He’s picked up on a lot, but not the full picture… So he’s scared… Markus what should I do…?”

“T-the full picture…? W-what do you mean…? And--and what does intuition have to do with-- Markus, does she-- who else..? Does everyone--“

Two clicks, and Simon barely managed to ease himself onto the ground before his body gave out on him.

“Everything’s okay, Simon… It’s just Kara… She had to know because when he came here… --But no one else, not even Jared… I promise. Nobody knows… I think Ralph just pieced together a bit from your explanation for Alice… That’s all, okay?”

‘N-no… that’s not right… Because I said it’s good now… And you said it’s good now… Unless… Does he know something I don’t? Markus, I don’t know anything that’s happened since I’ve been here! I-I don’t know! H-how long have I been here?!? Time keeps disappearing! If I don’t have time, am I even--‘

‘You’ve only been here a week, and nothing has happened other than what I’ve already told you. Time doesn’t disappear. That’s just called “sleep”, and it’s healthy. Ralph just doesn’t understand that everything is okay because it’s hard for him to feel safe. But I promise, it is okay…’

“Markus, I think you should talk to him… Luther says he’s asking for you…” 

Simon’s lips began to form silent words, until Markus touched a gentle hand over them. 

‘It’s okay… I’m right here…’

‘W-why does he want--‘ Simon sent that message to Kara, only growing uneasier when she appeared reluctant to respond. 

“I… don’t exactly know… He… he’s upset about Markus’ arm. Luther says he won't stop talking about that. That and his knife. I just… I think it would help if Markus spoke to him… Just to show him everything is okay…” 

‘Simon, I… don’t know what to do… I don’t think you should be with him right now if he’s like this, but I think Kara might be right. Answer me honestly… Would you be okay if I spoke to him for just five minutes? And then I’ll come right back here, no matter how he reacts…? Would that be okay…? If it’s not, that’s fine; I would completely under--‘

‘...g-go… as--as long as you need…’ 

Simon forced himself to hold it together even though his entire being screamed that he couldn’t let Markus out of his sight. He knew that part of him was wrong--that Markus could do whatever he wanted, and that Markus certainly didn’t deserve to be tied to someone so pathetic, especially when he could otherwise be helping someone in need, but… He was scared… He was too vulnerable here… Too vulnerable anywhere… He didn’t like it… He-- Markus took Simon’s head in his hands, planting a soft kiss on his forehead, before moving Simon to meet his eyes. 

‘Five minutes. I’ll be back in five minutes, love…’


	78. Delicate Work

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alice sees what Kara does at work.

And then Markus walked away. A door opened, and a door closed and then Markus was out of view. Simon didn’t want to risk getting up like this… His body was already so fragile, that he wasn’t sure he could physically handle the strain of fighting his stress response. Except, he might always be like this. His stress level might never go down. And since he couldn’t get up, for all he knew Markus might not have even meant to talk to Ralph. Markus might have already gotten into an auto to RA9 knew where, and Simon knew it would be better for Markus if he did, and Simon wanted him to be happy but-- Kara had told him to go… Kara was Markus’ tech. So she would prioritize his best interest. As in it was in Markus’ best interest to find an excuse to leave. As in it was in everyone’s best interest for Simon to stay here alone, losing more and more time, the world becoming worse and worse with each passing--

“Simon, can I get you anything…? Is your ventilation program working properly…? I know about your stress response but--“

‘I-I can’t breathe… Too loud…’ 

Kara shook her head. 

‘Your ventilation has nothing to do with your auditory processors, and regardless, there’s no noise to be heard. Do you know if your modifications were damaged when you… I mean, do you know if they’re still functional now…? Like, are you physically able to breathe right now…?’

‘...can’t breathe… can’t do anything… too heavy… I can’t… I-I’m falling again… I-ll always be--‘

“Mom? What’s going on? Is something wrong?”

Yes, something was wrong. Everything was wrong. But only with Simon. Because he was broken. So broken, he’d scared Alice, and now Kara would take her out of the room to protect her from his brokenness, and he’d burn up on the floor, and he wouldn’t be able to breathe, and then the thirium would come and-- foreign images invaded his mind. Nice things. Happy things he’d never have. Because he was too broken for domestic life. He was too broken to see the sunset, or to enjoy a nice day with friends and family, or to feel a cool autumn breeze brush over his frame. He couldn’t breathe. The memories weren’t his, and they only made the burning worse. But he couldn’t move to pull away from the connection. 

‘Come on, Simon, I need you to breathe… Jared says you should be physically able to do so. He said sometimes you just forget how. And that’s fine. But I need you to concentrate, and breathe, because you’re getting a bit warm…’

‘...can’t breathe… can’t concentrate… broken… not his fault, though… ‘s a good tech… just… just not--‘

‘Simon, I need you to look at me…’

Simon couldn’t bring himself to meet Kara’s eyes. He didn’t want to see the disgust on her face or the reflection of his worthless form in her eyes. 

“Mom, what are you doing?”

“Give me a minute, Alice…”

A minute. Right. She’d leave in a minute. She just needed to file the paperwork indicating a deactivation and call for someone to take away the body, He was going to burn. At least it would be quick. He wouldn’t lose any more time. He’d just be lost to time. Lost to the world, because no one would bother to remember such a broken-- A hand came at him suddenly, and he tried to back up, but something was in the way, and there was thirium trickling from his joints, and he needed to get away because he didn’t want to do this again!

‘I-I didn’t even cry! Please, I-I didn’t--‘

‘Easy, Simon… You’re okay… Everything’s going to be fine. It’s okay even if you do cry, but I need you to work with me here…. I can’t breathe for you, so I need you to try…’

‘...trying… can’t… can’t do anything… broken… hot… it burns… trying…’

‘No… you’re not broken. It might be hard to breathe, but keep trying. You’ve done harder things before… In fact, it’s actually harder not to breathe. My scans show that you’re manually overriding your ventilation system right now. All you need to do is let go…’

‘...can’t… I-I’ll disappear if I let go… I have to hold me together… I-if I let go it’s nothing again… ’ll fall…’

‘No, Simon… I promise I won’t let you fall. You’re not going anywhere… So, please, just let yourself breathe, and leave the rest to me, okay…?’

That sounded so nice… To let go of himself and pretend like there wasn’t an abyss of darkness waiting just below him. That if he let go, someone would catch him, and save him from the mouth of oblivion. And he was holding himself so tight. It hurt. Like he was crushing his own frame in an attempt to stay above ground. Maybe he could take just one breath...

‘Good… I’m sure that felt a bit better… Keep at it for me, okay? I’ve still got you…’

It didn’t feel better. It felt like he dropped his thirium pump, only to catch it and place it back in his chest just before it fell out of reach. Out of reach into the hands below him. Because below the nothing, there was hands. Greedy hands that never saw him. They only took. 

‘Come on now, that was so good. Can you do it again for me…?’

Kara said he was doing good. That she would still keep him from the hands. She might not if he didn’t try again. In order to keep his heart from the hands, he’d need to pry it out again. 

‘Good… You’re doing great, Simon… Again now…’ 

Again…? He was so tired… And his heart was fragile… Still, he let it go. Only he couldn’t catch it this time. He couldn’t catch it, and Kara didn’t have it, and he needed his heart! He couldn’t let the hands take it from him! It was all he had! He was dangling over the edge of the abyss, struggling desperately to try and pull it back. 

_ He needed it He needed it He needed it He needed it! _

‘Okay… okay… We’re on the right track, but I need you to slow it down now… Relax… slow deep breaths… Just let it happen….’

No! Kara didn’t have him, and he couldn’t slow down because he couldn’t let them have his heart! It hurt too much! Leaning further over the edge of the abyss, he put his all into taking back his heart. Except he lost his footing, and began to fall completely into the nothing, his heart along with him. The hands tugged at his frame in the darkness, leaving blue streaks as they tore into his artificial skin.

The hands screamed:  _ “Biocomponent #1604t: Error!” _

Then everything faded to black...


	79. Not Over Yet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus returns with Ralph and Luther.

“What’s wrong with him, Mom?”

“He passed out. I think this was part of the adaptive features of his modifications. He should be better when he wakes up… This is what I meant about work being… personal… I feel bad for having suggested Ralph should come… I didn’t expect him to get so upset over that…?”

“Over what?”

“It doesn’t matter. Markus can calm him down. And Simon should wake up on his own soon enough…”

“So much for a party…”

Kara shook her head. 

“The day’s not over yet, Alice…”

“Yeah, I guess…” Alice fidgeted with the ends of her shirt, disheartened.

Luther had told her that this would cheer everyone up. But everybody seemed worse than they’d been when she got here. Kara carefully took Simon from the ground and placed him onto the examination table. 

“You should get a nicer bed in here, Mom…”

“It’s not a bed, Alice. I don’t have a bed in here, so this is the best we have right now.”

“Well then you should at least get a fuzzy blanket…”

“You know... I think you’re right on that one…”

Kara stopped for a moment as she could hear footsteps approaching. Well, this was going to be difficult to explain… 

“Sorry, Kara… R-Ralph won’t be bad anymore. Ralph w--I won’t upset anyone… R-I’m better… I’m better now… R--I hope I didn’t upset any-- What happened to Simon?”

“I told Simon to stay here while I talked to you for a minute, Ralph. He’s right over-- What happened to Simon???” 

Markus rushed past the others to look over the unconscious body lying on the table. 

“He’s fine, Markus. He just had a panic attack. I tried to talk him down, but it wasn’t working, so he ended up passing out. It's a feature of the modifications he received after the conference to prevent him from overheating, if he doesn’t breathe simply because he’s afraid to. He’ll be fine…”

“I knew I shouldn’t have… But he said it would be okay, so I thought… It wasn’t even five minutes, but…”

“It’ll be fine, Markus… He’ll wake up any minute now, and--“

“Right… Right… Thanks for the reminder…”

‘Hey, Si… You fell asleep in Kara’s room. It’s been a wild morning, and I don’t want to wake you, but I just thought you should know, so you don’t get worried when you wake up. I personally don’t mind though… Your hair’s all messed up and it looks really cute. You’re so fluffy… Like those videos of puppies after the groomer, where they have the blowdryer thing, and--Sorry, I digress… It’s just that puppies, man… But anyway, all I mean to say was that--'

Simon shifted slightly, wiping the sleep from his eyes before turning to Markus.

_ What the-- _

Oh. He couldn’t talk. Right… Now he remembered. Markus went to talk to Ralph, and then he couldn’t breathe until everything went black. But he wasn’t on the floor, and now Markus was spamming him with a stream-of-consciousness monologue about puppies?

‘What are you doing…?’

‘Simon. You’re up… Are you feeling any better…?’

Three clicks, and Simon turned to face the others.

“If you guys could hear what he’s been saying to me… I just woke up to a silent rant about puppy beauty salons… How did you even get there, Markus?”

“Puppy beauty salons? Like beauty salons with puppies or beauty salons for puppies? I wanna get my hair done with puppies! Uncle Markus, where do you find a place like that?”

“You don’t… Sorry to disappoint, but I meant places where puppies get their hair done. Although, maybe when you grow up, you can make a business doing it your way. I would definitely go.”

“Aww! My little entrepreneur! Go for it, Al…”

Alice beamed back at Luther. 

"En-tre-pre-neur! I like it! But first let's decorate Simon's room! Party time!"

"Ralph likes parties. Parties are full of happy people who do fun things! Nobody gets hurt at parties and nobody's alone!"

Markus didn't pay much attention to the noise as everyone began to file out of the room. The blue of Simon's eyes was swirling, and his smile was too stiff. Simon moved to get up and follow after Kara, but Markus held out a hand to stop him. And suddenly the swirling stopped, a few droplets falling to the ground, as Markus could make out a slight twitch in Simon's smile. 

"There's something wrong…?"

Simon tried to pretend he didn't notice the tears trickling down his face.

"N-no…? Everything's fine…"

Simon flinched as Markus thumbed a tear from his cheek.

"What's wrong, love?"

"N-nothing… I… I'm just… I didn't think this would happen…"

"What do you mean…?"

Simon turned his eyes to the ground. 

"...I didn't think you'd come back…" Simon's voice came out barely a whisper.

"Oh, Simon…"

"N-not because your fault… It's just, Kara's your tech, so she's supposed to do what's best for you and she came up for a reason for you to but there was no explanation and she looked uneasy and I know I shouldn't think like this, b-but--"

Markus pulled Simon in until Markus couldn't distinguish the beat of his thirium pump from his own. 

"You don't ever need to explain yourself, love. I'm not mad. I'm just sorry… Sorry you were so scared… But no. What's best for me is you. Always. Please, Si, if something's too much for you, you have to tell me. If you pretend you're fine, I can't always know if you're not. And I would never want to make you feel like that…"

"B-but what if I'm not fine…?" 

Simon hesitated, his voice dropping even lower.

"...what if I'm never fine…?

"You'll be fine in time, Si. But even if you were never fine again. You're who you are, not how you feel. I only want you to be happy because I love you. Please, try to understand that…"

“I-I’m trying…. B-but maybe I can try harder-- I just--“

“Shhh… I know you’re trying. And you’re doing great. It’ll get a little easier as time passes… So take your time; I’m here for you…”

“...thank you…”

It was all Simon could say. But apparently, it was all Markus needed him to say, because Markus took his hand, and led him back to his room. 


	80. Surprise Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon finds out that Ralph’s not here for him.

In the corner, Ralph was practically hiding next to Kara, while Luther and Alice giggled with Jared. 

“Don’t be afraid to talk to him; he’s just a person…”

“But what if he doesn’t like Ralph?”

“He already knows you, and he told me he liked you. He thinks you’re cute…” Kara assured. 

“D-did he really say he thinks Ralph is cute???”

Simon hid his smile, at the blush he could see adding more blue to the canvas of Ralph’s face. 

Markus smirked, nudging Simon lightly. 

‘...I’m beginning to think you’re not the one receiving the visitors here… From the looks of it, I’d say we’re more like unwitting wingmen…’

‘Do you see Jared?!? I can see the hearts in his eyes! I would have never guessed… Oh, Markus, I am  _ so _ making this happen…’

‘Only you could turn a repair room into some sort of Cupid’s nest…’

Simon actively laughed at that one… 

“How does Ralph talk to people? People don't seem to like to talk to Ralph… People think Ralph is--“

Simon stepped forward to pat Ralph on the back. 

“People can think what they think, Ralph, but some people… Some people are better than that… You should go for it Ralph. Just be yourself…”

“But what does Ralph even talk about?”

Kara thought for a moment. 

“He likes botany… And I know you seem to have a gift with plants… Maybe you could talk about that…”

“R-Ralph does like plants…” 

“And have fun with it… Enjoy yourself…”

Luther took Alice a few steps back as Ralph made his way over to Jared. He awkwardly ran his hands across the neck of his cloak, his eyes shifting rapidly from the ground to Jared’s expression. 

“Hello. Ralph is--I’m Ralph. Ralph is friends with Simon. Simon helped Ralph. Now Simon helps people with you.”

“Yes. We k--I know… W-I’ve seen you around here before. Kara sometimes comes home with you, right?”

“Yes. Ralph lives with Kara, Luther and Alice. They say Ralph is family. Ralph likes being family. Ralph likes being with people. Especially nice people. You seem nice! R-ralph likes your face!”

Jared laughed into his fist, a blue tint across his cheeks.

“We--I mean, I like your face too…”

“Ralph’s face is blue… It’s not very nice…” 

“No… it… flows nicely along your eye. Like something we saw on a shirt once. A guy brought his little boy to Pirate’s Cove and he was wearing a shirt with a man with color like yours.”

“Y-you saw Ralph’s face on a shirt…? Who-who put Ralph’s face on a shirt!?! Ralph doesn’t want to be a sh--“

“Shhh… No, Ralph. I think I know what he means. I saw an old shirt like that in Carl’s closet too. I think it was a musician he liked in his youth. David Bowie…? He was wearing makeup to look kind of the way you do. But that was way before Androids existed. I think Jared’s just trying to say you look nice. Carl said people used to think the dude was pretty hot…” Markus explained. 

Ralph cocked his head. 

“Oh. No. Ralph’s core temperature is within normal range, but it’s nice of you to care…” 

“Ummm… We-- we are glad to hear that… Since you all were so nice to come, maybe we can find something fun to do…” 

“Kara says you like plants! Ralph thinks plants are fun too! Ralph has plants at home! Ralph’s favorite plant is a succulent! Kara gave it to Ralph as a joke about feeding dead things to little girls! Apparently little girls only like special dead things. Simon has been teaching Ralph how to make dead things special for little girls to eat! Little girls especially like dead things shaped like dinosaurs!” 

“Do… do you mean how to cook?”

“Yes! Cooking! Ralph is trying to learn how to cook! Cooking can be fun, sometimes! Maybe you can cook with Ralph! Ralph will even protect you from the scary fire! Sometimes the fire can get too big, but Ralph will make sure it doesn’t hurt you…”

Jared smiled wider.

“That sounds lovely… Although we’re n--I’m not sure we can cook here… Maybe we can cook together some time when I’m not at work…”

Simon shot Markus a devilish grin. There was an easy solution to that.

“Well, Jared… You did say that you only needed me and Markus around to make sure I don’t find some way to explode or whatever within the past few hours. I might have lost a little thirium, but no more than usual, and I definitely have not exploded… Markus and I can go home now, and you can take your leave early for the day.”

Jared’s led cycled tricolored as he tried to resist the temptation to agree. 

“But Simon--“

Kara nodded. 

“I agree. I think they’ll both be better off at home than stuck in here any longer. I’m not sure there’s enough room in an auto for the five of us, though… Ralph, would you mind staying back so our guest doesn’t have to drive alone…?”

“Mind…? No! Ralph would like that very much!” 

“Smooth…” Alice, giggled, before being pulled away by an apologetic Luther.

Simon and Markus followed them out, leaving just Jared and Ralph in the room behind them. Markus rolled his eyes at Kara. 

“You didn’t take him here for a visit, did you…? Next time you guys wanna hook up a friend, at least let us know a bit in advance?”

“I thought I could kill two birds with one stone…” 

Alice shook her head thoughtfully.

“I never got that expression. Why would you wanna kill a bird? And why would you do it with a stone?”

“No, Alice, I don’t want to kill any birds. Although, I don’t know the origin of the figure of speech, I think it’s clear enough what I meant…”

“Yeah… And it was good to see you guys, regardless of circumstances. We should hang out again sometime, once I’m back to… well, you know…” Simon motioned to his neckbrace with his hand. 

“Yeah! And then we can have a real party! Like a fun party with candy and balloons and--“

Alice began to jump up and down with excitement, until Kara put a gentle hand atop her head to still her. 

“Let’s take things one day at a time, kiddo. Simon, Markus, I think this auto’s yours…” 

Markus followed Luther’s eyes to a black car approaching them from up the street. It did appear smaller than one he’d expect to comfortably fit Kara, Luther, and Alice. 

“Thanks again, you guys… For everything…”


	81. Ride Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Markus finally leave the Center.

Markus looked back for just a moment, before opening the door to help Simon in. He slid in next to Simon, and waved back, closing the door behind him. 

“What’s on your mind, Si…?”

Simon didn’t know what to say. 

“...is it that obvious…?”

“You’re quieter than usual. Ergo, something’s on your mind…”

“I… I’m not sure I thought this all through… I-I wanted to do something nice for Jared after all he’s done, and I liked seeing Ralph have something like that, but… I-I don’t know if I want to… I mean, I don’t know if I’m ready to--“

“You’re ready. You’re doing great, Si. And everything’s going to be fine… It’s home. You’ll get to sleep in a real bed, watch real tv, and paint on a real easel, and a million other fun things. Your world won’t be confined to a single room anymore. You can do whatever you want…”

“I… don’t know… You--you know I’m used to hiding… I’m not sure if… if I wouldn’t rather confine myself to that repair room, instead of having to face it all… Instead of having to pretend like everything’s normal again… I’m not sure I can do that this time… I told you, I get weaker each time they-- each time I--“

Markus took Simon’s hands into his own, and turned to better meet his eyes. 

“You do  _ not _ need to pretend you’re feeling anything you’re not. You be you. That’s not weaker. That’s just being real. There’s no shame in being real, and remember, if anyone ever tries to tell you otherwise, they’ll first have to answer to me. That includes you. If you ever start to doubt yourself, you come to me, and I will talk the self-love into you until you get tired of my voice.”

“I don't think that’d be possible… But thank you… I… I’ll try to be better… Please… be patient with me…? I’m… still not sure…”

“You have all the time in the world to feel however you feel. I love you, Si. That’s not conditional…” 

Simon leaned into Markus’ shoulder, hoping to better feel the warmth of his love through their proximity. 

“...I love you so much…”

Markus just smiled, glad to see some of the tension melt away from Simon’s frame. They were close and safe and warm and loved… Markus wouldn’t have minded if they could just stay in the auto like that, driving on until the end of time. It was a happy compromise of moving forward with the world, while staying beautifully still. Once the auto stopped, they’d need to move forward themselves. But it was so much easier to coast on by together. 

“Getting sleepy, Si?”

Simon hadn’t realized he’d been nodding off against Markus, his head having fallen practically into his lap. 

“I… feel safe like this… Nice… And it’s okay to sleep when it’s safe… I probably won’t be sleeping for a while after this… ”

“You’ll be safe at home too… and it’ll be nice. Maybe we can make a pillow fort around your bed so everything’s fuzzy and soft. Nothing upsetting would dare encroach upon the palace of the Kings of bedtime…” 

“You sound like a child… Would you like a paper crown to go with your kingdom…?”

“Nooo-o-o-ooo! I want a foil crown! Foil is more shinier!” Markus let out a mock-whine, drawing out his words for emphasis, and raising his pitch as he went on.

“Of course. Only the most shiniest for my King.”

Simon smiled as he could feel Markus’ chest rise and fall with his laughter. Until the laughter stopped. It felt like everything stopped, actually. Markus had moved him away, leaning him against the seat of the car so he could-- Oh. The car had stopped. Markus had gotten the door for him, reaching out his hands to help Simon onto the street just outside New Jericho. 

He couldn’t let his fear hold him back, though. Because every second they lingered was a second they could be seen. A second they were vulnerable to atta-- No… Not now… He needed to stay calm. He was just laughing with Markus a second ago, after all… He needed to cling to the laughter. 

Anxiously, Simon held onto Markus for support, as he pulled himself out of the vehicle. Even if he couldn’t cling to the laughter, he could at the very least cling to its source. Simon didn’t release Markus’ arm, even after he’d regained his footing, silently grateful that Markus made no attempt to withdraw it himself. Markus didn’t need to knock at the door, after all. He could keep his left arm safely in his sling, and simply call out. 

“Josh, North, we’re home!”


	82. Welcome Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus did not expect them to come home to this.

Simon pressed Markus’ arm closer to his chest, waiting breathlessly at the door of New Jericho for someone to let them in. 

“Welcome back, you two!”

Simon tried not to flinch, but Josh opened the door so quickly, and he wasn’t able to prepare himself for--

“Alright, I’ll give Simon a pass because he’s been in sleep mode all week, but Markus, what gives? Even if you’re still being irrational, I thought you’d know better than to inflict your own foolishness upon him…”

Simon hadn’t even stepped foot inside, but Josh had already caught onto his weakness. And though he didn’t understand it, Josh’s tone seemed to carry an unspoken threat with it, and he couldn’t handle the thought. He buried his face in Markus’ shoulder, grateful to feel Markus turn in towards him, a protective barrier from whatever was to come. 

“I haven’t inflicted anything upon Simon; he has a mind of his own! And you’re right; I wouldn’t do anything to feed into his fear. I think it’s reasonable to expect that after a week in a repair center, anyone would need some time to refamiliarize themselves with the world around them.”

“I might actually believe you, if not for the fact that he’s covered in his own fresh thirium… Look, Simon, I don’t know what Markus has told you, but please understand that he’s letting his emotions get the better of him, and it would be best for you not to follow suit.”

“Welcome home!” Markus muttered sarcastically. 

“...I-I… don’t understand…?”

Markus pulled Simon closer. 

“Don’t worry about it, Simon…”

“Markus has been upset with me for the way I handled things at the CyberLife Tower… While he’s a brilliant leader, he doesn’t seem to understand the difference between what’s nice and what’s good. Nice is hugs and rainbows and unicorns. Good is alive. And sometimes, you can’t always have both… Surely, we can all at the very least agree on which option is preferable…” Josh explained. 

Oh. That’s what this was about. This was about him. They must have been fighting about it during the time he'd lost. He'd caused so much trouble and he hadn't even been conscious, and he knew eventually the anger would be turned completely towards him for being weak and ungrateful and divisive, and--

“...I-I’m sorry… I… I didn’t mean for… I didn’t want any trouble… I didn’t mean for you to… I just…” 

Simon fell into Markus completely, unable to see a way to safely end this conversation. This interrogation. Josh’s eyes were drilling holes through his frame. Holes that he would then shove his hand into, and pry open wider, tearing him apart piece by piece. He would need to keep quiet, or the pieces would only be larger, with rougher edges as they were ripped from his worthless body. 

“M-markus d--“

“Click, Simon…”

Simon shut his eyes and silenced himself with two clicks, as he could feel Markus lowering him to the ground. He’d almost forgotten. 

“You’re okay… You’re okay, love… I’ve got you… I’m right here…”

Markus leaned Simon into his chest, attempting to ease away the tension in his shoulders. 

‘I-I don’t want--‘

‘Shhh… I know… Which is why I’m going to pick you up, and we’re going to go straight to your room. Warm and safe and good… Remember? That’s what I’m choosing. No one will upset you there. Okay…?’ Markus promised.

‘...please…’

‘I’ve got you…’

Markus carefully lifted Simon from the ground, pushing past Josh to get to their room. They didn’t need this. Not today. 

‘...I-I’m sorry, I--‘

“You have no need to apologize. You’ve done nothing wrong. We’re just going to get some rest now. We can deal with that another time…” 

Simon didn’t feel well enough to disagree. He already felt so tired. When Markus placed him into his bed, all he could do was let himself melt down into it, allowing Markus to cuddle up next to him, and burrito them together in the blankets below. Time dragged on with neither saying anything more on the subject, and while Simon was physically comfortable and relieved to be snuggling with Markus, just the two of them, in the safety of his room, he couldn't shake a more general sense of uneasiness.


	83. Hangups

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus owns up to the pain in his heart.

‘...I’m… not sure what to do…’

“What do you mean, Si? There’s nothing to do except rest…”

‘...no… there’s more… Jericho…’

“Yep. We  _ are _ here at New Jericho…”

‘...not so simple… Jericho isn’t… it was never a place…’ 

“Then what is it? Where are we, Simon?”

‘...we’re at the building “New Jericho”... But Jericho is different… Jericho is a people united under a common set of hopes, beliefs, and struggles… So...’

Markus frowned. 

“...So you want to resolve things with Josh…” 

‘I… I’m not okay… But that’s okay… I know he… must have meant well… He thinks in absolutes… Either ors… He didn’t see that there was a choice beyond preservation of life… And he can’t be happy feeling like… Like no one can see what he thinks he knows… He shouldn’t be alone…’

“I know you’re right, Simon, but… I’m not as quick to resolve this… I know he’s not going to learn any lesson from this, no matter how long I stay mad at him, but… I’m still mad. And I have a right to be mad. You do too! Mad or afraid or upset or whatever you feel about it-- It’s within your right to feel. None of us are objects to be acted upon! Because it’s our  _ right _ to react! And it’s the obligation of others to adjust their behavior accordingly. That’s how society functions; People do things and other people have feelings about it, and they let their feelings be known to create change.”

Markus knew he’d let his voice get just a bit too loud, but he didn’t care. Simon shouldn’t think it his job to suppress his own emotions for the sake of the group as a whole. 

‘...change implies recurrence in the case of lack of change…’

Fuck. Semantically, Simon wasn’t wrong, but that definitely wasn’t what Markus had meant. 

“No. At least not in that sense. Nobody is going to get hurt again. That was a rare case. But even without violence as a catalyst, the need for empathy is a recurring one. That will come up again and again, in a million different ways.”

‘Markus…’

“You have the right to feel… and… so do I…”

Simon didn’t understand why Markus appeared to be blinking back tears. 

‘...there’s something more…?’

“What do you mean…?”

‘...why you’re holding onto this… it’s more than just me…’ 

Markus turned away, defensively. 

“So what if it is…?”

‘...what are you upset about…? I can’t help if I don’t understand…’

“It’s about Jericho as a team… But I don’t want to poison you with my own concerns… They’re not yours to bear.”

‘...Jericho is a team… And so are we… You and I… Independent of all the noise… What is it…?’

Markus tried to hold back on all he was feeling, but his thoughts filled up his chest, a pressure expanding, unable to be contained any longer. 

“I was counting on him! I-I knew North was unreliable, and I knew Connor and I couldn’t be there, so I was counting on him--the only reason I took him along! I was helpless. I had to stop the situation from escalating with one hand behind my back--or more like one hand dangling uselessly from my wrist in RA9 knows how many pieces-- but he was supposed to… To take care of everything else… He was only supposed to be there for damage control… I-I should have been there too. I should have known better than to leave someone so impersonal with such an emotionally charged task. But nobody else had the technical skill, and I couldn’t get to-- I knew it then. It was all I could think about; where I should have been. Overseeing that… Stepping in where there was a need… I didn’t even know what he’d do--I’d have never thought that he-- but even then I knew I should have been there. I was counting on him, and that was my mistake. Because then I was helpless as he went and fucked up. He--he and North were so secretive about it all, so I didn’t even know until I begged Kara to violate standard protocol to fill me in the next morning. The first night I dreamed of scrapyards. After that it was always nothing. I did dream, but every dream was nothing. Just darkness…” 

Simon sighed. Markus was right that this burden was just… so much… But he needed to be stronger. He needed to process every word. And then he needed to answer for it all. 

“...did you dream, Simon…? Did you dream at all while we were there…?” Teary eyed, there was a desperation about Markus as he practically begged for an answer. 

Three clicks. 

“Give me your arm… Your left arm” Simon clarified. 

Markus trustingly held out his bad arm for Simon to take in his hand. Simon tenderly cupped the back of Markus’ hand with the palm of his own, guiding it to the front of his neckbrace. Markus almost recoiled in surprise; the brace felt so thin and unstable, especially since his pressure sensitivity had increased significantly in the damaged limb. Not that he’d have found even a full suit of steel armor sufficient protection for Simon as he was recovering. 

“It’s not mine… I don’t know how much of it, but I know most of it, right...? I didn’t sound like myself at first..”

Markus ran his hand up to Simon’s cheek, gently caressing it with the back of his hand. Whether his hand was shaking from the damage or from raw emotion was anybody’s guess, but the tears now flowing freely down his face certainly supported the latter conclusion. 

“Simon…”

“I… don’t know… About that, I mean… Like… I don’t know how I feel. What you’ve seen, I’ve felt… The fear, the need to live, the desperation that there’s still hope, there’s still a life beyond the parts broken and salvageable alike… I thought Josh was… I thought he was trying to… So I know… But… I don’t know anything more than that, except that whenever I want, I can tell you I love you… It’s… upsetting, but… I’m telling you I love you… I’m telling you. Me--nobody else, dead or alive, can move my lips and make me speak those words… Even if I didn’t sound like me, it would still be me making the sound. Me saying I love you… So no matter the origins of the hand that holds me, if it’s your will that keeps it pressed against my skin, I’ll love it all the same…”

“Simon…”

However much he’d been crying before, Markus dissolved into a mess of tears at the thoughtfulness of the gesture, the likes of which only Simon could give. Simon had misunderstood… Dreaming of scrapyards… He hadn’t been concerned about his arm: It was Simon for whom he feared in his sleep. 

“...The world doesn’t deserve you, Si…”

Simon scoffed.

“It hardly takes a saint to love you. I’d say a good half of the android community would gladly take my place by your side… Unless you’re referring to reconciliation with Josh, in which case, I’ll admit, that’s much harder… But the difficulty doesn’t negate the importance of forgiveness… Josh disappointed you, and that’s fine… You can just expect less from him in the future… I’m sure he didn’t have any…. malintent… And you weren’t helpless… Everyone made it out alive, only because of your ability to improvise under pressure and your courage to do what’s right, even if at a personal cost. You’re a hero, Markus. But heroes can’t always save everyone. And even when they can, safe doesn’t always mean unscathed. But that’s okay…”

“It’s not about my ego, Si. Or even my personal thoughts on the subject. I don’t want you to dismiss how you feel!”

“I’m not capable of ignoring my feelings. I shake, I fall, I get all teary and stupid, and I constantly need to shut myself up before I involuntarily call out something I’d regret for others to hear. But I can try my best to move forward despite my feelings… I’m… going to need your help, though, if I try to move forward… I… I don’t think I can manage this one on my own… Would you mind…? Please, I know--“

“I’m here for you. Anything you need.” Markus agreed, before adding, “Logistically speaking, to prevent any misunderstandings, the four of us-- North included, even if she isn’t as personally invested in the issue-- should meet together to speak. We can do it in here. A safe space. That way, if it gets to be too much, we can ask them to leave. You can even stay here in your bed, so that if your stress response is triggered, no one will notice, and you won’t have to fight it to stay upright… What do you think…?”


	84. North’s Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Markus go to check on North

“...I… haven’t heard from North since I went to meet the R-- Nines… Is she upset with me…? I… I know she was scared, and she thought I would fuck things up again because I’m weak, and then I did, and I couldn’t defend myself, so you all had to step in because--“

“No, Simon! Of course not! She’s actually… proud… of you… She doesn’t seem to understand the situation completely, but she seems to think you and Nines had a history before you met at the Cyberlife Tower… She’s wrong to think that it would be good of you to make such a sacrifice; it’s not, and no one will ever be a sacrifice, but… No… She’s not mad at you. She was kicked out of the center, and probably just didn’t want to worry you with messages. As for why she wasn’t at the door to greet us, if I had to guess, I’d say she probably saw Josh go to open the door and decided to stay in her room to avoid him. She’s as pissed with him about everything as I am, although for different reasons… Still, I think I did see some genuine empathy in her eyes when she spoke about you. She hasn’t fought with anyone like Nines in hand-to-hand combat since the war, but even then… I think she can at least guess as to what might have been going through your head…”

Simon thought for a moment before a new concern arose. 

“...empathy…? Markus, you said she saw more than you did… I...I hope she’s okay… Do you know if she’s left her room at all since she was sent back here? How many days has she been here since then? Do you know if she’s been sleeping or if she’s had enough thirium?”

“I… I don’t know… I didn’t think to ask… I was just so worried about you that… I-I’ll message her… Are you up to coming with me to her room? I’ll tell her we’re coming over to bring her some…”

“Yes. Please do… At least I haven’t been alone…”

Markus felt a pang of guilt at having neglected North for all this time, especially after she’d been there for him, at least in her own bizarre way… 

‘Hi North… Simon and I are home, and… well, we thought it might be nice to drop by your room to say hi… In case you’ve been missing your two favorite nuisances…’

The response was almost immediate. 

‘Sure. You know where to find me...’

“Let’s go, Si… We’ll grab some thirium from the fridge and go straight to her room.”

Simon quickly scrambled out of bed, following close behind Markus as he approached the kitchen. It hadn’t occurred to Simon how disconcerting it was to suddenly be unable to look behind him for-- for any sort of threat… Had he really become so paranoid that this was something he’d had on his mind? Well, it didn’t matter right now. What mattered now was making sure North was taken care of. They needed to see to more important issues than his comfort. 

Simon hadn’t noticed that he’d followed Markus all the way back to North’s room. Markus wrapped the door with the back of his right hand, a distinct pattern they’d come up with long before Markus had arrived at Jericho. And then the door opened, North standing beside the doorframe, revealing her room, even messier than usual. 

Empty thirium pouches littered the floor, and her dart board as well as the area around it looked absolutely destroyed--had she been using knives instead of darts? Simon couldn’t check to see for too long before the door was slammed in Markus’ face. 

“North? Is everything okay in there…?”

It sounded like metal chains were slinking their way across the room, and Simon could hear North muttering curses to herself, before she called back.

“Yeah. Just didn’t want to break your legs…” 

“What does that--“

North opened the door again, this time, welcoming Simon and Markus in. 

“Is… is that a bear trap…?”

“Yes.” North replied matter-of-factly.

“Okay… And how’ve you been doing back here while we’ve been gone…?”

North raised an eyebrow. 

“You nearly lost your head, and your boyfriend nearly lost his arm, but you’re asking me if _I’ve_ been okay outside of the repair center?” 

Simon flinched, his hands grasping at Markus’ shirt as if of their own accord. As if they knew the gravity of the situation better than his mind. But his mind knew. He was just trying to--

“You and Josh go together about as well as coke and mentos. It wouldn’t be much of a stretch to figure you’d be less than pleased about being left to hold down the fort with him… Especially since you were yelling at each other in the lobby of the Repair Center last I saw either of you…” Markus quickly stepped in.

“If the guy’s being a dick, I’m not going to let it slide. But who are you to talk? From what I heard, you two tore into each other enough that the Jerry had to tie you down so you wouldn’t off yourself from stress--“

“What?!?”

Simon turned to Markus, horrified to see from the look in his eyes that it wasn’t just some twisted lie to deflect the attention from North. But Markus didn’t elaborate on the incident, hoping the topic would just blow over on its own. 

“Anyway, what do you two really want with me? I doubt you decided to simply drop by for a visit with Simon all… like this… And I know I haven’t done anything to piss you two off yet…”

“N-no… You… you haven’t done anything to… I just… wanted to know when the last time you left your room was…?”

“That’s none of your business, Simon! Wait, Markus, did you bring over some fucking thirium? What, did you two think I’m so irresponsible that I’d just sit in my room and let myself decay without your omniscient guidance? I can take care of mys--“

“Nobody doubts your ability to function in our absence. Look, I know you're not into the whole emotional vulnerability thing, but we came to see if you were okay. That goes beyond basic technical maintenance."

North glared at Markus, who kept a cool demeanor nonetheless. 

“What do you want to talk about…? Did you bring Simon along as an accessory, or simply because he’s not up to leaving your side?”

“I didn’t bring Simon anywhere! He was the one who suggested we come here. He was worried about you, and you're purposefully antagonizing him to cover up for your own insecurities.” 

North’s eyes found their way over to Simon, trembling, but still sitting upright, still putting up with her shit. 

“Fine. I don’t see why I even need to talk to you, though… Obviously that shit was fucked up… The RK900 was… unnerving… and the implications of him getting loose were even worse. As for the aftermath, to make it clear, I have no problem with near-dead bodies, or even dead bodies. Thirium doesn’t upset me either. It’s just a matter of dying with dignity, y’know? The idea of someone messing with what might as well be a corpse in an attempt to--“

_Dying with dignity..._ There was only one person who Nines had almost killed... What might as well be a corpse...

“...y-you’re--you’re talking about-- M-mar--“

Two clicks and Simon found his limp body in Markus’ arms, his thirium pump racing in his chest. 

“What the actual fuck, North!”

“You asked me to talk about how I feel...” North shrugged, a neutral, if not annoyed expression on her face. 

“Yeah, but I didn’t mean to talk about why you think-- I… I don’t even know where to start… This was a bad way to go about things. Look, North, get out of your room, and leave your weapons behind. Go watch awful movies in the living room or tie Josh’s shoe laces together in his sleep, or whatever the fuck you would normally be doing outside of this place. I want to see you follow us out of here; I can help you clean it up later, but right now, your room is off-limits. Simon and I will be in our room, so please, next time you want to say something stupid, shut the fuck right up. Oh, and good to see you again…” 

Markus looked down at Simon, apologetically. 

‘You okay…?’

‘I...I don’t know… w-was she suggesting--did she mean she thought-- Like back at-- Before I-- And does she think I might as well be--‘

‘No, Simon… She just misspoke. She didn’t mean it like that at all…’ 

Markus didn’t even feel bad about lying, in this case. As North walked past them, Simon’s weight felt heavy in his arms, almost impossible to support. Probably because his legs were already spilling thirium, and only one of his arms was functioning at full capacity, but he needed to get Simon back to his room, and even all the good will in the world couldn't convince Markus to ask Josh for help while Simon was like this. 

'I-I'm sorry… I didn't think… I mean I thought I could be stronger, but… you don't know what I looked like…? A-and you really don't think she meant… she thinks I'm broken doesn't she…? That she'd be better off if I were…?'

"Hey, hey! No, Si… No one thinks that! And you were fantastic. We got North out of her room, didn't we? And I know she wasn't making it easy, especially for you. Now we're just going to get back to your room, and let everything go back to normal. Blanket burritos and cuddles… Sound good…?"

'y-yeah… I'm sorry, I just… I can't stop seeing it… I can feel myself falling apart… When will I stop remembering it? Will I ever stop falling apart…? Your hands… the only gentle hands… the other hands want to take me apart… the eyes tell them to, and then-- I-I don't want to be taken apart anymore… I'm tired, Markus!'

"I know you're tired, which is why we're going to bed. Bed is the best place to be when you're tired… We're going to get all cozy and relax. If my hands bring you comfort, then I'll hold you close, and remind you that you're safe and loved. I'll hold you together when you feel you're falling apart… And we're almost there… just a few more steps…"


	85. Nap Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Markus take a short nap.

Markus placed Simon into bed, before joining him under the covers. He wrapped his good arm around Simon's waist, and pulled him in, nestling his head into Simon's shoulder. Simon melted into the loving touch, almost hoping to be absorbed into the warmth of Markus' artificial skin. 

"Isn't this nicer…? Do you feel a bit better now…?"

'...you hold me together…'

"Maybe. But I really just hold you for fun… You're hug-shaped. Like a giant teddy bear…"

'...I like hugs… _your_ hugs… I like hugging you…' 

"Well, I'm glad we both agree on that… because I am very very comfortable right now…"

'mmmm...'

Simon was too tired to express his agreement in words. But the more he seemed to melt into Markus, the more he felt at rest. The world quickly grew hazy--good hazy-- dissolving everything into tiny particles, floating and mixing until he was one with Markus and one with the bed and one with the room around him. As he melded with more and more of the world, it seemed the world had begun to fade to black. But not black as in the absence of light. Black as in the combination of all the colors that painted the universe. How strange that the two blacks looked so similar, but felt impossibly different. This black was full, content, and heavy with sleep. The black of eyelids slowly drooping until there was no resistance preventing them from falling completely over the eyes below.

Markus smiled softly at the sight. He could feel the tension bleed out of Simon as he held him close, all the fear in his heart ascending to a realm far beyond them, leaving him lighter and unburdened by its weight. Simon was light against his chest, and it wasn’t long before Markus could hear Simon’s breathing slow to a steady drone, having fallen asleep in Markus’ embrace. Cute… If Simon had dreamt while he was at the Center, he didn’t seem to be dreaming now. His expression was blank, light as his body, and he seemed somehow smaller, but good small. Like he wasn’t trying to seem larger than he was. 

It made Markus happy to see Simon like this. Simon rarely slept so peacefully, so Markus treasured every moment when he did. Good sleepy Simon was a sight he’d want to paint for forever. There was something so mundane, yet so pure about it, that Markus couldn’t imagine anything more beautiful. But right now, he had more than a painting. He could run his fingers through Simon’s hair, or brush his thumb against the soft contours of his jawline, and just watch a slight smile form unconsciously across his placid face. It was like Simon’s face was a canvas he could paint with his touch. The thought gave Markus an idea.

Markus retracted the skin on his hand, and cupped it gently against Simon’s cheek. And then there was warmth through the contact. He tried to send as much love as he could, watching happily as Simon leaned into the touch, his mind free of any thoughts except the love Markus poured into him. Simon’s hands unconsciously found their way around Markus’, holding it to his face. Markus laughed softly. He hadn’t been planning on going anywhere, but even if he had been, his hand was now stuck. Those were the rules. Simon’s hands brought Markus’ down slightly, until his palm laid just over Simon’s lips. Markus would have thought Simon was still in sleep mode, if not for the kiss his hand was met with, followed by the feel of words mouthed lightly against it. 

“I love you too, Si… Are you comfortable…? Because you don’t need to get up if you are…”

‘...boring you…?’ 

“Not at all. Your face right now is my favorite thing in the world. You look so happy… I just want to hug you like this forever…”

That was more than enough confirmation for Simon. 

‘...love…’

He let himself drift back into sleep mode on the pillowy warmth the love brought. Markus loved this. Whatever stress he’d borne over the past week, nothing could touch him now. Nothing mattered except Simon’s body next to his. The beat of Simon’s thirium pump was like a lullaby, until Markus found his own eyelids growing heavy. As sleep took hold, he curled in closer to Simon, all thoughts and intentions floating out of his mind, leaving only the warm happy feeling. 

Still asleep, Simon’s world was devoid of all but emotion. And the only word he could have used to describe his current emotion was good. Good was good. But, the good had begun to fade. And now Simon was thinking. Not in the sense of deliberate cognition, but in the sense that now he could want. He wanted to bring the good back and make it stay. But how could he hold onto something he couldn’t touch? He wanted the good to stay! But as the good faded, the wanting took its place, and with the wanting came the mental effort it took to want, until the good was gone, and the wanting had filled his whole mind. His dreamscape was too full of wanting. It couldn’t fit any more… 

Thin cracks began to form in the boundaries of his dreamscape. But the wanting kept pushing against the walls, until it blew his mind wide open. And then he was jettisoned into the nothingness of space. There was nothing except the wanting and his own thoughts. How long would it take for the wanting to fade like the good? Once the wanting faded, then would he finally be nothing again? Would he finally be dead? Why had the good gone away? Why did everything always go away? He didn’t want to be nothing! He--

Something hurt. Something hit him. Hard. The crack of his neck against the floor sent shivers through his wiring. He was awake now and he knew this was bad. This was very _very_ bad. What if he’d damaged his circuitry again? He was too afraid to even so much as breathe, and risk seeing that he’d broken himself beyond the ability to do so. He was just repaired, and even then, everyone thought he was being a wuss about the whole thing, but how would he explain that he’d aggravated his injuries by falling from the bed in his own fucking sleep because he was just that fragile? No one would bother to put the time and effort into repairing him again. If there were even the parts for it… This was bad!

“Wha-- Shit!” 

Simon thought he heard the words spoken aloud, but he wasn’t completely sure; they matched his internal monologue, and he didn’t think anyone else would think his situation warranted such a strongly emotional response.

“Simon, what happened? Are you alright???” 

Suddenly a pair of mismatched eyes were fixed upon him, radiating concern. And that was all it took for him to completely break. He was crying again, and he wasn’t even sure why, but everything was wrong, like his ventilator had been torn from his chest, leaving a vacancy in its place that only screamed for more air he couldn’t take. 

“Shhh… You’re okay… You’re okay, Simon. There’s no damage… You just fell a bit, but you’re okay…”

No. He wasn’t okay! There was a hole in his chest again and he couldn’t move and he couldn’t breathe and he couldn’t--

“Let’s get you off the floor now, yeah? Does it hurt, or were you just frightened…? Whatever you’re feeling, it’ll be better to feel in your bed…”

Markus lifted Simon onto his bed, but it wasn’t better there. Simon still couldn’t do anything. He couldn’t say anything. He was too afraid to even try…

“Can you let me know what’s on your mind…? It’d be easier to help if I understand what happened…”

Simon squeezed his eyes shut. He couldn’t stay paralyzed like this. He’d need to say something. Except if he couldn’t. Then he’d need to hope they’d at least have the mercy to accept a message like--

‘...can work!’ 

He could feel a hand slowly smoothing out his hair, and didn’t know what to think. Had he said the right thing?

“...Simon… That will never be an issue… I’m not concerned about utility. I’m concerned about you… You must have had another nightmare once I fell asleep. You’re shaking… How can I help you calm down…?”

Markus sounded sincere regarding his intentions. But even if Markus was his everything, Markus wasn’t really everything. Or rather, Markus definitely wasn’t everyone… His opinions rarely resonated with everyone… If anyone… Markus was popular, but his ideas were always less so. Markus took his hand, and thought for a moment, before setting it back down.

“You didn’t like that…? When I held your hand…?”

‘..n-no… no, don’t mind…’

Simon had to lie. If he admitted that he didn’t want Markus to hold his hand, he might be prompted to give a reason why. And he couldn’t think of any plausible excuses, except the obvious truth: If Markus held Simon’s hand, he would expect Simon to reciprocate, which Simon couldn’t do because he’d broken himself, useless and weak. Only now that he had lied, Markus took his hand again. Damned if he did, damned if he didn’t. There was no escaping the inevitable. 

“You don’t like that… Simon, you don’t need to lie to me…”

‘...w-what…? ...how did you…?’

“You tense against my touch. Have I done something to upset you, or would you just prefer I provide you a bit more personal space…?”

‘...tense against your…?’

Simon didn’t understand. How could he tense against Markus’ touch. He couldn’t move. Could he? Trembling, he managed to bring his hand into his line of view. 

‘I-I’m really undamaged…?’

“Yeah, Si. I told you you’re fine. Just a bit freaked out is all…”

‘RA9, that was too much… I-I thought I couldn’t move again! At least when I couldn’t move before, I didn’t know I couldn’t move, and I didn’t know what he would do to me, but now I know and I was broken again for something so much dumber, and I just-- I-I thought…’

“No, love. Never, I promise. Try to relax. You’re safe here, and no one is going to hurt you…”

‘...I-I need you…? ...just for now… c-can I need you just for a little while…? I’ll get better soon, really, I will, but--‘

Simon hadn’t even finished making a case for himself before Markus guided his head into his shoulder, holding him securely to his chest. 

“Take as long as you need. I’m here for you always. Just focus on calming down… I’ve got you…”

‘...you’ve got me…’

Simon desperately drank in the comfort.

“That’s right… I’ve got you, and you’re okay… I can hold you until the end of time… And you’re doing great…” 

Simon let out a silent whimper as fear gradually released its vise-like grip around his heart. He could breathe. He was safe… 

‘I think… I think I’m okay… I’m okay now… Thank you…’

“If you’re really feeling better, I think we should probably get everyone together sooner rather than later… I see you were right about that now. None of us are okay, but maybe it could be better if we talked. Maybe then, you might not even be so afraid…”

‘...y-you’re right… I just… remembered why I don’t think… I mean what could--‘

“You remembered what it felt like to be afraid like that…”

‘...y-yeah… I… I know it’s bad, but-- I mean, I can be better. No, I will be better. I just--‘

“It’s not bad, and you don’t need to be better. We’re all just going to talk everything through, and the situation will get better. It’ll be perfectly safe, and I’ll be right here with you the whole time. Everything’s on our terms, That doesn’t sound too bad, does it…?”

‘...no… thank you… I-I know you don’t want to do this, and I didn’t mean to be so--‘

Markus shook his head. 

“No need to explain yourself. I get it, Si. Are you okay if I call everyone in now….?”

Simon frowned. The question was pointless. He had to be okay with that; he couldn’t outright acknowledge that he feared for his safety, even among his closest confidantes, his family. But he did. He feared for his safety more around them than around anyone else, actually. Because a person’s family could hurt them in ways no one else could. As the familiar words formed on his lips, he was grateful he had already silenced himself prior to arriving at his room. This way, he wouldn’t slip up in front of North and Josh. 

‘...just do it…’

Yet again, condemnation by his own hand. He’d come to realize that the agency in consigning himself to his fate hardly softened the blow of the fate to which he’d consigned himself. Still, better than letting Markus decide for him, if only to keep the burden of choice from falling onto Markus’ shoulders. 


	86. Sprung Trap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh drops a bombshell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey yall! So, for anyone who hasn’t read SUOP (the first fic in this series), there will be some references to the fact that in the later chapters of SUOP, North thought Simon was too fragile to go to a televised press conference, and as the conference approached, became so terrified he’d screw things up and show a weakness that the humans might try to exploit, she put him in a modified replica of Agent Strahm’s trap from Saw V 
> 
> (Saw V and Saw VI were extended motifs throughout that fic, and Agent Strahm’s trap in the movie made him stab himself in the throat similar to where Simon shot himself just a bit higher up his lower jaw, so North basically did it to see if he could overcome the most traumatic experience she could create for him, or possibly die trying.) 
> 
> Point is, Simon “failed” this Saw trap, and Markus and Josh went to find him before he bled out, only to discover North set up the trap for him in Stratford Tower. Markus didn’t tell Simon where they found him for obvious reasons, but Josh has 0 sense of what’s an okay thing to say, so... Funsies.

Markus’ led cycled yellow for a moment, before he turned to Simon. 

“They’re coming. This will be good. If we can just communicate, it’ll be that much easier for us all to understand…”

Simon didn’t have anything to say on the subject. He understood Josh, and he understood North. That didn’t make things any easier. And he had a feeling Markus’ intentions would always be an enigma. Until they weren’t. But that would expose a whole new set of dangers he didn’t want to think about. He couldn’t think about them now. He found his arms locking themselves around Markus’ waist. Why did he have to be so fucking scared of everything?

“Josh here yet?” 

Well, as she entered the room, North looked… better? She had at least put on new clothes, for what seemed to be the first time in days. A hoodie she didn’t wear often. It didn’t fit her well, the fabric bunching out awkwardly along the sleeves, which seemed to go just over her hands. 

“Nah. You beat him to it. Make yourself comfortable. No need to be so tense; it is your house too…”

“Whatever…”

North crossed her arms, pulling out a chair by the vanity closest to the door. 

“It’s good to see you, North… I was worried when you wouldn’t answer my messages, but I figured you needed your space, so I--“

“Sit.” North commanded Josh, unaffected and harsh. 

Disgruntled, Josh wordlessly took a seat atop Simon’s nightstand.  Markus rolled his eyes. A deliberate display of literal closeness, literal moral high ground. It seemed Markus was the only one here not on the defensive. 

“Look, it was Simon’s idea to do this, and, believe me, he was much more open to the idea than I was, but regardless of any personal inclinations, we need to clear the air, so that we can move forward as a group, and more importantly, as friends…”

“You’re speaking for Simon, and you’re speaking in the past tense… He still fucked up from before, or is it something else? Simon, have you said a single word since you left my room? Huh, Simon?”

North snapped her fingers in Simon’s direction, as if his attention wasn’t already fixed completely on her. He wanted to creep right out of his body. 

“Your room? What was Simon doing in your room?”

“None of your business, Josh!” North shot back, fidgeting with the amorphous sleeves of her hoodie. 

“Markus, are we really going to allow her to come to this conversation with a shirt full of knives…?”  Josh sighed in annoyance.

“Knives?” 

Of course. Markus hadn’t thought of it until then, but Josh was definitely right. There had to have been at least a good six or seven knives tucked away in her shirt. No wonder it seemed so ill-fitting… 

“North… please… Could you drop the weapons, and just talk…? It’s safe here. There’s nothing to fight, and there’s no need for knives…”

North slipped a knife out from her left sleeve, and twirled it between her fingers. She moved the blade with such ease, her dexterity making it all the more obvious when she paused for just a second to point the blade in Josh’s direction. 

“You really sure about that one…? Don’t go making promises you can’t keep…”

Simon shuddered. He agreed with that last bit. Promises were dangerous. Markus had promised they’d all be safe here too many times before everyone had come in. 

“W-why would you want to fight me? I don’t even understand why you’re mad at me!!” 

“I’m mad at you because you’re just-- just-- I don’t even know if there’s a word in any language to describe it! Like if--if-- Hypotheticals! That night at CyberLife Tower. We were fighting the RK900, and you were the only tech who wasn’t in pieces...“

Markus shot North a glare, as Simon flinched into his side. 

“...Did you ever stop to think what would happen if the RK900 really tore into Markus and I? Like, if he really got one of us, and we wound up needing help for something more serious than a broken arm or whatever? You had a baseball bat, but Connor and Markus both had guns. At least a gun is quick. A gun is easy. A gun isn’t fucking barbaric and just--awful! You say you’re a man of peace and that’s why you’re the worst! Because you're really just a creep who can tear someone apart without flinching, only to walk away like some high-society saint, and no one sees the blood on your hands! At least since I don’t peddle that moralistic bullshit, people know what they see is what they get. You all live with me, and know that I’m the type to walk around with a shirt full of knives. You expect that. But when we live with you, Josh, it’s so easy to forget that you’re so much more dangerous!”

“Killing is murder, and allowing someone to die when you could otherwise prevent it is effectively the same. Murder is wrong, North. Danger is something that will cause bodily harm. I do not cause harm to anyone unless it will prevent greater harm in the future. Greater harm like death. You feel like I’m dangerous. But I can’t help that. I’ve done nothing wrong, and I can’t change how you feel. Are you scared? Is that it? Because truly, I do not intend to scare you. But on my list of priorities, preservation of life comes over preservation of feelings. Loss of comfort is reversible. Loss of life is not.” Josh rebutted.

“Hey, Simon, can you fight your stress response, or did the Jerry say you’re not supposed to or something? You’re clearly scared shitless, and I think we’d all feel better if you went away for a bit so we could talk without--“

“North! Simon is as much a part of Jericho as any of us, and you speak for no one in suggesting his absence would benefit this conversation, or any conversation, for that matter!”  Markus hugged Simon in a little closer as if to further emphasize the point. 

“I agree. I think whatever is going on, we all need to work it out together…”

“Kiss-ass!”  North spat back at Josh, the annoyance in her expression fading as she took on a more solemn tone. 

“Look, I  _ need _ Simon to leave. If he doesn’t leave, then I will. I can’t fucking look at him when he’s like this! I shouldn’t have to look at someone and think ‘this asshole’s fucking done, and whatever’s left of ‘im needs protection’. I shouldn’t have to look out for anyone else, because looking out for me is already enough. And I shouldn’t have to see a physical reminder of why I need to look out for myself. Okay? Seeing Simon like this makes me weaker than I am. I am not weak. I can kick all your asses and run New Jericho all by myself. But when I look at Simon like this, I’m slower. My mind gets bogged down. And I cannot afford that. So Simon, what’s your pick? Are you going to go, or am I?” 

Simon cried out those silent words, as he ran through his options. He needed to leave. To force his failing body to get up and leave, or else, North would leave instead. North would leave, and Josh would follow, and maybe even Markus too, to try and get them back. North put the choice in his hands, only not really because either way the result would be the same. He would be alone. He wouldn’t burden the group, and they’d thrive in his absence, until they forgot he’d ever existed. Why did he keep being presented with this same set of options that never really gave him a choice? Maybe because he kept putting off the choice. He’d evaded his own inevitable erasure from existence too many times to count. His worthless life has never been never meant to last, yet somehow, he kept extending it, struggling to fight off oblivion at every turn. But oblivion was coming for him. Always coming. And he couldn’t run. Besides, he got weaker every time. He was so weak. He could feel the nothingness take hold of his arm. It was cold. And then it was gone. 

_ Wanted Wanted Wanted Wanted _

The darkness called a siren’s song, luring him into its clutches with the assurances he needed to hear. But he didn’t want to fall under its spell. 

_ Wanted Needed… Loved _

He was too tired to fight as the call of the void grew more powerful… Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to just let himself go… Before he could truly decide, the darkness came at him from all angles. It was warmer than he’d remembered. It was almost… nice, even… 

‘Come on, love. Stay with me… Don’t let her catch you off guard like that. You don’t have to do what she says. And you don’t need to answer to her.’

Markus? The warm darkness seemed to speak in his voice. Except that wasn’t right. He knew the nothingness, and it wasn’t warm. He was lost… Lost… He had lost himself… And Markus found him…? He couldn’t find Markus, but Markus had found him. He could hear it, and he could feel it, even if he couldn’t see the hands that held him. They held him up above the ground he couldn’t see, and seemed to float through time and space until suddenly they were back on his bed. 

‘...don’t know what to do… scared… was lost…’ 

‘You don’t need to know what to do, Si. I’ll take care of it. Can you try to stay with me, though…? I saw the far-off look in your eyes, and I don’t want you to slip away again…’

‘...with you…’ 

He wanted nothing more than to stay with Markus, in every sense of the word. So he would try. Of course he would try. 

“North. You will stay here. I appreciate your acknowledgement that this is your problem, and not Simon’s, but by insisting he decide how to ‘resolve it’ , you’re making it his problem. Do you understand that…?”

North glowered at Markus, but didn’t reply: a silent acknowledgement that she’d accepted his new challenge to stick it out and endure. Seeing the tension between North and Markus die down, Josh heaved another sigh.

“So if you mean for this to go the way I think you do, why don’t you go next, Markus? Why are you mad at me…?”

“That’s not what I want to do here, Josh. I didn’t invite you two here so we can tear each other apart… I just want us all to discuss our feelings and come to a better mutual understanding… But if you would like me to express it more clearly, I… am upset with you… because when I brought you along to CyberLife Tower, I trusted you. You didn’t listen to me, and then you… didn’t… I mean, you… You don’t seem to understand that being a technician involves more than technical skill… I know I can’t make you empathize with other people when you think there are higher priorities. But I need you to realize that people feel. People need comfort. People need hope. People need support and patience, and all the intangible things that you might not think are important, but I promise you, they are… And if sometimes they might come at a cost, even a cost of more tangible things you might better understand, more often than not, the cost is worth it.”

It was hard, but Markus managed to keep his tone measured and even. He’d chosen his words carefully, but he didn’t think he’d made any missteps. 

“That’s… interesting… How much would you say those intangible comforts are worth…? In terms of something tangible, can you at the very least qualify a--“

“Can you try, for just a few minutes, not to sound like such a fucking robot? Not everything’s a fucking thought experiment, Josh! Look at your hands. Those hands hurt someone. It doesn’t matter why! You hurt someone when there were a million better things you could have done instead.”

Josh rose from the nightstand and turned to North, only to be met with a knife pointed again in his direction. 

‘...p-please don’t… don’t fight…’ 

If either of them got Simon’s message, they definitely didn’t show it. 

“Look who’s talking! At least when I cause people pain, it’s to save their lives. Just three months ago, you put Simon in some horror movie death trap in his sleep! There was absolutely no reason to--“

“No! That’s not fair--“

“Not fair? It’s totally fair! You did it because you thought it would save your own ass. I don’t regret what I did, even despite the persecution I’m receiving for it! Because I do know what’s important!”

“I thought we would all be killed!” North shouted

“And I didn’t? The only reason you’re so messed up about this in the first place is because this is the first time you’ve ever had to see the aftermath! If you knew what he looked like when he regained consciousness in the auto back from Stratford--“

‘...w-what…?!?’

“Motherfucker! What is wrong with you?!?” 

‘...M-markus…?’

_ Why was…? None of this made any sense! _

“What? North should have seen it…”

“Maybe, but you really thought now was the time to bring that up?!? Didn’t Markus tell you not to talk about that in front of him?“

Markus turned his attention from the argument at hand to a terrified Simon, staring up at him like he posed some sort of horrible threat. 

“Simon, listen, it’s not what it sounds like, okay…? I just didn’t think you needed to know where Josh and I found you… We were able to get you out of the trap, and you were fine. We took you home, and you’ve been fine. Everything is fine…” 


	87. In the Closet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon doesn’t know any better.

Simon couldn’t process this new information… There was too much to it. Too many implications to the single detail. Markus moved to touch his face, but the hand was… wrong… The hand coming at him looked like Markus, as much as any faceless voice could sound like Markus. But it wasn’t Markus, at least, not as Simon knew him. Because Simon’s Markus didn’t exist. And this Markus, the one true Markus, was dangerous. He needed to run. He needed to get out of here. Fighting his stress response, he threw himself off of the bed before the hand could make contact with his frame, sprinting frantically to the nearest door as fast as his failing legs could carry him. Fumbling with the handle was harder, the precise movements of his fingers and wrist being more difficult to manage than the crude strides he'd forced his legs to take. But the others were catching up to him. They were real. They were real as they were now. However he’d known them before was the illusion. Why was he at this meeting to reunite Jericho if Jericho never really existed?

Simon managed to get the door open, flinging himself inside, only to scramble up and close the door behind him, breaking off the handle from the inside so the others couldn’t follow. He needed to get out of here. He would run out the door, and find somewhere to go. There had to be somewhere… He couldn’t live with anyone he knew because he didn’t know who was real as he had known them or who was… not to be trusted. Maybe he could hide away at the Center. He knew the layout of the building, so he knew all the places he could hide there overnight… or he could even just injure himself so he’d need to stay there, only to reaggravate his injuries each time just before they’d try to dismiss him. Yes, he would go back to the Center. Even if it wasn’t a permanent solution, it was at least a temporary hideout. 

Except when he tried to get up, his heart sank. He couldn’t go to the Center. He couldn’t go _anywhere_. In his panic, he had locked himself in his walk-in closet. He was trapped. It would only be a matter of time before Markus knocked the door down. Or maybe North would pull out a chainsaw she’d hidden from wherever the hell she kept all her weapons and carve straight through the door to him. Because he couldn’t be allowed to live. They would never let him live now that he had proof of what Jericho did with their broken things. When he was left behind at Stratford before the Revolution, that might have been an accident. But it set a precedent. When an android was too broken, Jericho would just drop them off at a hostile location, and let the humans do the dirty work, then publicly write the incident off as a tragedy. So that’s exactly what they’d do with him again now that they knew he knew. And he was literally trapped, unable to escape his fate. 

“Simon, are you okay…? Look, I promise there’s no reason to be afraid. We can end this meeting if you need, but please, come out. It can’t be comfortable alone in there…”

 _Markus_. Three clicks. 

“Fuck you, Markus!”

A loud thud told Simon how well Markus took his reply. 

“Simon, what’s wrong…? I don’t understand…”

“Fuck you too, Josh! And fuck you, North! Fuck all of this! Fuck Jericho!”

“What the fuck, Simon? I get it if you’re pissed with us, but what’d Jericho ever do to you…?”

“What did Jericho ever do to me?!? I put my heart into this shithole! I _made_ Jericho! It was supposed to be a safe haven for deviants! Then you all came… And you ruined it! We used to be safe at Jericho. Sure, it was cold and dark, and we were low on supplies, but it was safe. You’ve turned my safe place into a glorified scrapyard! And you’re all such cowards that you won’t even look at the heap of broken parts. How many bodies are there? How many people have you killed?!? Yes. You killed them! You did! Not whoever you let deal with the bodies! Because you let them deal with the bodies. How much thirium is on your hands?!?”

“Did you hit your head on the way in here? What the fuck are you even talking about? And what does that have anything to do with anything…?”

“Get out… Both of you… We’ll have to talk another time, but now you both need to leave…” 

Markus?

“Let us know if you’d like technical assistance…”

Odd. Markus must have at least been honest about that, because two sets of footsteps seemed to grow further from the closet. 

“Just because you got them to leave, don’t think you can come in here! The minute you try something, I’ll message Ralph what you’re doing. And he’ll make sure everyone knows. It’ll get to the media, and then you’ll be done!”

Markus winced at the bitterness in Simon’s tone. 

“Alright, Simon. I won’t come in… But can I just sit by the door and talk…?”

“Fine… Compared to everything else, I can’t exactly complain about that, now can I?”

“You’ve really scared the shit out of North and Josh… They have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about…”

Simon could hear the strain in Markus’ voice as he tried to force a laugh. 

“...I do… And I am so sorry… I… I would only want to go in to show you, so you could know I’m telling the truth when I say that the only reason I wanted them to keep that from you was because I knew it would upset you. Jericho is a safe haven, and no one has been killing anyone… I mean, think about it. We all just risked our lives to save just the potential for Nines to get to live. That’s how strongly we believe in protecting life. If we were okay with cold-blooded murder, then why the hell wouldn’t we be okay with letting a dangerous machine with the potential for a capacity to live be destroyed before it gets the chance to…?”

“I...I don’t know…” Simon admitted. 

This was… tiring… It was hard to keep up his resolve. There was something about Markus’ voice… Like even if it was lying to him, he just wanted to let it, if only to keep hearing him speak. So he wasn’t entirely sure why they would try so hard to save Nines, only to kill anyone they simply didn’t have a need for. He was too disoriented and confused, and he knew he couldn’t even believe any guesses he might have because his whole grasp on reality had been warped into nothing more than wishful thinking. 

“I know you don’t know. Because it doesn’t make any sense… You’re just confused and scared… And I understand that… How about this…? North couldn’t open the door, and she couldn’t pick the lock… You’ve removed the handle on your side, haven’t you…?”

“...y-yeah… What does that have to do with--“

“Please don’t be alarmed. I’m telling you in advance so not to startle you, but I’m going to remove the handle on my side too. I still won’t be able to get in any more easily, but at least then we can see each other through the hole in the door, okay…?”

No. Simon didn’t want to look at Markus. That made it so much harder. 

“...not like I could stop you…”

Even with the warning, Simon still flinched back once the door shook on its hinges as Markus tore off the handle. 

“There… Now at least there’s a bit more light in there… And you can see me now if you want. It’s nicer to have a bit more light, isn’t it…?”

“I don’t need it…”

Light meant nothing to him. He was as good as dead now, and death was emptiness. A void of darkness no light could breach. So he didn’t care for light anymore; it was only a temporary comfort. 

“Well, yeah, you don’t need it, but it’s still nice…”

Simon didn’t have the patience to keep up the pleasantries.

“I’m not opening the door…”

“And I’m not going to make you… How would you feel if I tried to reach in with my hand…? I won’t try to grab you, but what if I just held my hand out? Would that be okay…?”

Simon didn’t know why he was still even fighting. His life was over. The only part of him that didn’t accept his fate was the part that didn’t want the message to get out. The part that still hoped this was all a lie, and that there was some reasonable explanation. If he could let that part of himself die first, at least it wouldn’t be a struggle. 

“...I won’t stop you…”

At the implicit confirmation, a skinless hand took the place of the light. More darkness, and now this mysteriously skinless hand. 

“...I don’t understand… W-why don’t you just shoot me from behind the door? Or even through the hole you made?”

“Because I would never hurt you. I just want to let you see what Josh had actually been referring to so maybe you wouldn’t be so afraid… The memory’s there if you’d like to take it. I promise I won’t try to take anything from you if you do. I just want you to see…”

The hope he had wanted to kill began to rage against his bitter acceptance. He was tearing himself apart as he tried to interpret the hand blocking the light. Well, if he was going to die, he would die, possibly by Markus’ skinless hand. But if he wasn’t… Cautiously Simon forced himself to his feet, and reached out to meet Markus’ hand. He accepted the request to interface, and then… 

> _He was scared. Furious at North and at himself--well, at Markus, but he was Markus, or at least he was seeing through Markus-- and just at the world in general. Three pieces. One for each scar on Simon’s body. They had an hour to retrieve him, and they still had no fucking clue where he was! Josh was messing around with North’s computer, but whatever he was doing, he wasn’t doing it fast enough! Simon was running out of time. Josh looked up from the computer screen, and spoke up._
> 
> _“I’ve traced Simon's location… You’re not going to like it…”_
> 
> _His eyes narrowed._
> 
> _“Oh no... Don’t tell me…”_
> 
> _Josh nodded._
> 
> _“Well, at least we know he’s nearby…”_
> 
> _He weakly rationalized. He was grateful Simon hadn’t seemed to realize, but, RA9…_

The connection was broken as Simon fell to the ground, unsure of what to make of what he’d just seen. Markus had been telling the truth… And… and he had thought… He’d just alienated everyone and the others would have questions and then they might really think he’s--

“Simon? Are you okay in there…? May I come in now…?”

Markus was _asking_ …? Of course. Markus could have easily knocked the door down at any time. He probably had North try to pick the lock to see how Simon had barricaded himself in there, but told her not to force it open. He was trying to make sure Simon felt safe, and would be comfortable with him coming in. 

“...yeah…”

Markus gripped the edge of the hole where the doorknobs had been removed, and pulled back, hard. The hinges gave first before the actual lock, so the door flew open backwards and onto the floor beside him. He sat down immediately upon setting foot inside, as if confronting a frightened animal. He kept his distance, and maintained an unassuming posture.

“...sorry ‘bout the door…”

“Forget the door, Si… _I’m_ sorry for worrying you like that…”

“...my fault…” 

Of course Simon blamed himself. 

“No. It’s really not. I knew immediately what must have been running through your head… I’m sorry I didn’t know how to deescalate the situation sooner… You must be completely exhausted…”

“...everything hurts…” 

“I’m sure, Si… This was… way too much… Can I help you back into bed…? I won’t have the others come back, but can I get you off the floor…?”

“...sure…”

Simon said nothing as Markus scooped him up and placed his broken form onto the bed, now streaked with thirium. 

“You’re running a bit warm… Here… this should help…”

Markus reached into the minifridge under Simon’s bed and took out a chilled thirium pouch. Simon could almost cry with relief as Markus unzipped his jacket, and placed the cold liquid against his chest and face. 

“That’s it… If you can just keep breathing, your core temperature should be back to normal in no time…” 

“...wrong…”

“What do you mean by that…? What’s wrong…?” Simon closed his eyes, desperately running through impossible scenarios by which he could turn back time and undo his recent outburst. 

“...broken…”

“Huh? Have you damaged something…? You look fine to me, but--”

“...I’m broken… I-I thought you-- That you would-- even though you’ve saved my life… even though you hold me and love me, and make me feel home… B-but I still thought-- I need to leave… You--you don’t deserve to be stuck with someone who still thinks… Markus…? Tell me I’ll get better…? Please, just tell me that one day I won’t be so quick to believe-- That one day I’ll just know I’m safe. I need to know that one day I won’t be broken anymore… Please... Please tell me one day I won't be broken!”

His flight to the closet was only further proof of how broken he was. He could hide it, sometimes even forget about it, but at any moment, something could get to him and then everything, everyone-- even Markus-- could become mixed up in his broken mind…

“Simon, you’re not being fair to yourself… You’ve only been home for four months. That’s nothing in the grand scheme of things. It’s only natural for you to still get riled up sometimes, and even sometimes to forget what’s real and what’s not… Especially just after you’ve been through something so traumatic like what you went through with Nines… I know it’s hard, but you need to try to be patient with yourself. I don’t mind waiting with you for as long as it takes… You’re not broken for needing time…”

“If… even if you believe that… I-I just… I lost it in front of Josh and North… How am I supposed to explain…?”

“You don’t need to. Do whatever you want… What do you want to do right now…? Something relaxing and fun…”

Simon sighed.

“...I want to be better. I want to get better… And I think we should talk… I-I’ll try to be stronger!”

“You don’t need to prove yourself, Si… Really, just rest. We’ve only just gotten home a few hours ago…”

“No… I… I know I’m only going to get worse… I need to get this over with… Especially now… Now while I can see how I… lose myself, even when nothing’s wrong. I just need to keep reminding myself that I don’t see things right… I… I just want to be done with this… And maybe if we talk, things can be more normal again… Do you think it might happen…? If I just try hard enough…?”

Markus wasn’t sure what to say.

“I… don’t know, Simon… I don’t know if or when things might get back to normal around here. I’m not even sure what Jericho’s ‘normal’ even looks like… But if you think it’ll help you feel safer, then I’ll gladly go along with it…”

“...thank you… but please... try to talk me down if I start to lose it again…? A-and could you tell me now if there’s anything else… like anything else I don’t know that… that I might… need time to process…?” 

“Of course, Si. I’m here for you… And no… As far as I know, there’s genuinely nothing more that you don’t already know… Are you sure you’re up for this right now…? Before I ask North and Josh back, I just want to make sure you can handle facing everything again…”

Simon wasn’t sure. But he didn’t want to risk losing his nerve to ever continue this conversation. There was a chance it was now or never… So he needed to be strong. Because if it was now or never, then it had to be now.

“...yeah… Call them..?” 

“Okay… Just give me a minute…”


	88. Jack-O-Lantern

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon thinks on what it is to be a pumpkin

‘Josh, North…? Could you come back so we can continue our conversation…?’

‘You figured out what’s wrong with Simon? Were you able to fix it…?’

‘...Yes… It was just a… problem with his circuitry… The shock of the new information must have led to a soft reboot, and he came out of it a bit disoriented. But he’s fine now. Functioning at 100% capacity, with no ill effects… I think it would do us all good to come back and finish the conversation as if nothing ever happened.’

‘That might be productive…’ Josh agreed.

‘Whatever…’

‘I’ll see you both soon…’ Markus intentionally ignored North’s clear lack of enthusiasm, before returning his attention to Simon. 

“They’re on their way. Please, if you need a break, or if you need anyone to clarify what they mean to say, let me know… No one will object to it, and no one will judge you for anything you might need. Besides, even if they would, I’m here, remember? That shit’s not going to fly around me, okay?”

‘...you’re here…’ Simon repeated. 

North entered the room and found her way to her chair before Markus could say another word, having clearly made a point to be the first to arrive. She sat there silently, eyeing the trail of thirium that led to the closet, as if she meant to memorize the trails, like a guide of the wrong path. Her shirt seemed lighter, baggier, and Markus figured she must have left at least two or three knives behind this time. Josh’s entrance was much more unceremonious. He took his time making his way over to the nightstand, and casually sat himself down. 

“Okay, so where were we…?”

Markus shook his head. 

“We were getting nowhere, Josh. As I’ve said, I do not intend for us to fight. We’re here specifically so that we can clear the air and move forward. Does anyone have anything to say that isn’t a direct attack on someone else or a defense of themself?”

Well that clearly seemed to shut North up, but it only further inspired Josh. 

“I just need to know… I am not defending myself when I say that I genuinely do not understand the value of comfort in terms of a cost-benefit analysis. You say that comfort is intrinsically valuable, and that this intrinsic value can sometimes outweigh the value in physical wellbeing, but I don’t understand the circumstances in which the value of one might outweigh that of the other…”

Markus sighed. Yup. That was certainly one way of putting it. 

“You’ve hit the nail on the head… That’s the core issue we’re grappling with, here. And I think the real issue is that this isn’t something to be weighed. It’s something to be felt and acted upon. If you see someone needs something, you provide it. It’s literally that simple. Especially something as intangible and easily provided as comfort. Similarly, if you believe it to be pragmatic to do something that would cause discomfort, don’t. You cannot hurt one innocent person in an attempt to help another. It doesn’t matter the circumstance. It’s completely unacceptable. Do you understand where I’m going with this…? That’s an order, and I insist you do not break it again.”

“Blind deference to authority is never--“

“RA9, Josh! You just fucking asked him what to do! And he’s ordering you because you fucked up! Just accept you fucked up and move on! You do realize they might have been back days ago if you’d have just followed Markus’ instructions in the first place… And no, not because of deference to authority or whatever weird shit you might call it, but because we’re trusting each other with our lives each time we go out and do something like that. So if someone says something, knowing that their life as well as everyone else’s is riding on our cooperation, you fucking do it! Also, please, try to feel! Don’t think about what you would do if you were the one on the ground--thinking never does anything justice. Feel it. Let your chest go hollow, and feel the ground. Feel the pain, the fear, the thirium. Let it fill the void inside you until you can’t stand it anymore. And then try to think… I assure you it won’t be so easy then…” 

Simon drew in a breath of air, in an attempt to fill the hollow in his own chest. That… wasn’t a bad description… It was like chests were made to be hollowed… Or maybe just his own... He remembered carving pumpkins with his children before he’d deviated. They were full of stuff, but the hard outer skin made it so that humans felt a need to hollow them out and carve into them. But at least the kids felt something. When removing the… pumpkin guts--that was literally what they called it, come to think of it-- they at least would gripe about the feel of the slimy innards on their fingers… Sure they often wound up trying to fling them at their nearest siblings, but at least they felt some discomfort at the feel of insides not being inside. At having made those insides come outside, leaving an emptiness on the inside. So at least the kids felt some discomfort. Instead of an irreverent apathy. 

The children would set the hollowed pumpkins out on their doorsteps for Halloween. Other children, dressed as monsters and other scary things would go around from house to house. Sometimes, some of them would smash the hollowed pumpkins right there… Other times, the children would leave the hollowed pumpkins there, until… Until what happened to all hollowed out things… They would just… rot… Animals would tear them apart until, annoyed--yes, the children’s parents would seem almost  _ annoyed _ at the pumpkin for having dared to rot after their children tore into them and left them empty and alone in the cold, at the mercy of anyone who might have stopped by--, the parents would throw out the remains. He pictured the landfill like a scrapyard for pumpkins. But once a pumpkin was hollowed, was there anything that could be done to keep it from rotting…? Markus would know… He was a domestic too. And Carl was an artist. He probably would have known something about the ritual--for some reason, despite the barbarism, humans seemed to consider pumpkin carving some sort of art. 

‘...how do you keep a pumpkin from rotting…?’

“What…?” 

Josh and North turned to Markus at his puzzled exclamation, but Simon didn’t notice.

‘...a pumpkin… when the children take their insides…?’

Markus didn’t know how to respond. 

‘...do you think the pumpkins know they’re rotting…? I never heard them tell the children… they never told the children it hurt… because they can’t talk… the children can’t hear if they scream...’

“Simon, I… I don’t know what to say to that…”


	89. Performance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus has some eccentric teaching methods.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up: There will be a scene here where it looks like a character will be about to engage in TW: Self-Harm. THEY WILL NOT NOR WILL THEY HAVE ANY INTENTION OF EVEN TRYING TO DO SO. 
> 
> I repeat. 
> 
> NO CHARACTERS IN THIS CHAPTER WILL BE ENGAGING IN ANY SELF HARM. 
> 
> It is merely a deception, but if you are, in any way triggered by this content, please, feel free to skip this chapter, and just know Markus has a bizarre style of leadership, and is trying to teach empathy as best as he can. 
> 
> Please, stay safe, friends.

“What’s he saying…?”

Markus sighed.

“He’s… contributing to the conversation… I just… There’s nothing I can say to what he said… And… I’m trying to think of how to explain it to you… Some way you can understand it the way I do… I… I think I have an idea. North, I know you still have a few knives on you. Hand me your sharpest one for a minute?”

Simon forced himself upright, and held Markus’ good arm back in an attempt to stop him. 

‘M-markus, wait!! what are you--‘

‘Don’t worry, Si. I’m not going to hurt anyone. I just want to see the knife, okay…? A knife isn’t always dangerous. Sometimes knives can do nice things. Like cutting birthday cake or whatever… Don’t you do that with the YKs at the center…?’

Simon wasn’t placated, but it wasn’t like he could do much to stop Markus anyway. If Markus tried to hurt anyone with the knife, he would try to intervene, but realistically, he was too weak to be any kind of impediment. 

North handed Markus the knife, skeptically, and waited for a moment, her and Markus in a wordless standoff, both cautiously waiting for the other to react. Finally, North determined it safe to back down, and returned to her seat. Only then did Markus begin to take off his shirt. 

‘Simon, I promise nothing bad is going to happen, but in order for this to work, I need to know for a fact that you will do nothing to try and stop me. Can you trust me with that? Can I trust you with that…?’

‘...w-what are you going to do…?’ 

‘Think of it as a kind of… performance art… That word works nicely’

‘...what kind of performance….?’

‘The performative kind. But the performance can’t work if the actors break character. So please, don’t interfere, because I don’t want you to make me break character. I’ve got an especially critical audience of sorts, and so I need this to be perfect if I want it to work…’

Simon frowned. This seemed really suspicious, but on the other hand, he wasn’t exactly one to assess a situation right now… Markus did just spend the past half hour coaxing him out of a closet, bleeding alone in the dark for fear of some bizarre nonsensical conspiracy. 

‘I… I trust you… you don’t break my trust…’

‘That’s right… Now, I’ll just need a minute to get into character… Stand by, and… maybe wait for the reviews before coming to see this one, if you catch my drift…’

Holding the knife in his hand, Markus knew he needed to psych himself up. He needed to feel his stress level rise. He needed to let conflicting emotions wage a war inside his heart, battling for control over his mind and body. The feeling like his chest was about to burst with--sadness? Fear? Resolve? Like he didn’t want this. He meant to do this-- he’d resolved to do this, but he was afraid. All the faces of people he’d be leaving. Simple things like warm linens or a dent in a mattress that perfectly matched the fit of his body against Simon’s. Harsh, ragged breathing, and a prayer that there would be no nothingness. 

His hands felt cold. Scary cold. Which was good. They were trembling slightly as he deactivated the skin on his chest, and removed his left arm from his sling. He could see where each piece of his frame interlocked, the one point where his upper chest met his abdomen. The junction was smaller than he’d have wanted. That left less margin of error, but at least this realization struck a bit of fear into his heart. Fear was good as he held the handle of the knife in his good hand, supporting the back of the handle with his injured palm. 

“Josh. North…”

A call for their attention. A sacrifice. A drop of relief in an ocean of misery, as he took the blade and held the point to his chest, before plunging it forward, catching himself just before it made contact with his frame. It was cold. He was shivering. That was too close. He carefully drove the point into the junction, as far as it could go without risk of causing harm. And then he threw the blade to the side with the remainder of his strength, before letting himself fall back into the bed. 

“Markus, what the fuck!!”

“Are you alright?!?!”

Markus didn’t have the strength to answer. Fuck, that was hard! But that meant it must have worked. This was good… He just needed to catch his breath for a minute. He didn’t have the energy to even so much as flinch when he felt a hand on his arm, and he felt no fear when it requested to interface. Markus let Simon in, allowing Simon to selflessly flood him with comfort and warmth, even when his mind was probably burning with a million questions he was willing himself not to ask. The pure warmth was more helpful than Markus could have ever put into words, and he could feel the sting of grateful tears in his eyes, as he began to grow stronger. 

‘...thank you…’ He managed to message Simon, in an attempt to say something to ease the fear and confusion he knew Simon must have been suppressing. 

But he didn’t receive any verbal response, only more warmth. It was intoxicating. He could just barely make out two clicks, followed by Simon’s voice. 

“Now I’m going to have to ask you to leave, this time…”

Was Simon talking to North and Josh?

“...no…”

His speech was slurred, even with just the one word, but he needed them to stay. 

“...meant t’do tha… stay…”

“Shhh… Markus, rest. You’re clearly not well right now. You don’t know what you’re saying…”

“...no… ‘mfine… told y’to trust me… ‘swhat I meant… knew y’wouldn’t like’t…”

“You meant to do this…? Markus, don’t tell me… When you said you couldn’t break character-- please tell me you didn’t mean to try and convince yourself that…?”

“...did a good job… Tony-worthy p’formance, yeah…?”

“Simon, Markus, could someone please explain to us plebeians what the fuck just happened?!?”

Markus involuntarily let out a groan of discontent as Simon broke the interface, but Simon had no choice. His own self-hatred was building, and he didn’t want to contaminate the connection with such negative feelings. 

“My boyfriend’s an asshole is what happened. Well, I’m the asshole… He’s just… stupid! And I’m stupid for forgetting how stupid he can be! Forget what I said about leaving… Markus is fine… He isn’t injured, and he didn’t intend to cause himself harm. He’s just exhausted…”

“I don’t understand…” 

“Believe me, Markus will explain it to you once he’s caught his breath. He just… Fuck, I think I’m going to be sick…”

Simon was hit with a wave of vertigo as the gravity of what had just happened began to hit him full-force. His tongue didn’t fit right in his mouth. Like it was sinking through his lower jaw. He couldn’t breathe and the thirium would begin to flood his mouth and push his tongue further down, until it rolled into itself and blocked his airways, thirium building until it exploded his head and-- Two clicks. He knew he needed to silence himself, but he couldn’t will his tongue to move! Two clicks-- It should have been easy! Why couldn’t he-- there wasn’t time to question it; he needed to stop himself now before his mouth took on a mind of its own and said-- 

Simon forced himself to roll over, burying his face into his pillow to muffle the cry. His breath felt hot against his face, and his mind felt hazy as he tried to make all of this stop… He could breathe, his tongue was fine, there was no thirium, and nothing had happened. He had just lost himself. That was it. He was losing himself, and if he couldn’t make it stop, then that was okay. It was okay. He forced his limbs to relax, and manually activated sleep mode. He knew Markus probably could’ve benefitted from his help, but he was no help to anyone like this. Markus would need to take care of this mess on his own. 

“Well, he’s out cold…”

“We should get them to the repair wing, and--“

“But Simon said Markus was fine. And he blacks out like this all the time. They’re both disasters, but that’s nothing new…”

Josh shook his head. 

“No. Something is wrong, at the very least with Simon, if not Markus as well… Didn’t you see… He tried to activate his mods, but didn’t seem to be able to. Right before he passed out, didn’t you see that?”

“He did just see his boyfriend try to drive a knife through his thirium pump… Cut him a break...”

“But that coupled with his reaction from before…? Maybe we should have him sent back to the Center…”

North scoffed. 

“Yeah, because what’s a better way to wake up than to find you’ve been recommitted in your sleep. Just let ‘em be…”

“That’s so irresponsible!”

“No, it’s--“

“...stop…”

“Markus…? What’s going on? Why the hell did you do that, and what’s wrong with Simon…?”

Markus groggily sat himself upright, and frowned. 

“I… didn’t mean for that to happen… Not with Simon, anyway… I just needed to feel that… For the sake of a better group understanding… North, Josh, could you come take something from me…? It’s something you both need to see…”

“That’s not an explanation! Why the fuck did you try to stab yourself!”

“You’ll see… Please, just come and take this before Simon wakes up… I don’t want him to wake up with everyone standing over him…” 


	90. Broken Homes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jericho thinks.

North looked to Josh, stepping toward Markus only after Josh had already approached him. They each placed a hand on Markus’ uninjured arm, and waited for Markus to begin his transmission. 

‘North, do not accept my request to interface. This isn’t meant for you. I only called you here so Josh wouldn’t feel singled out.’

‘Oh… Fine…’

North blew her bangs from her face, poorly masking her smugness at the fact that she wasn’t the one who’d fucked up this time. 

‘Okay. Just hang out here for a minute…’ 

Markus sent an interface request to Josh, who accepted immediately, his expression shifting from one of intrigue to one of concern. He seemed upset… A good sign. His led was cycling a straight red, and his posture felt more tense. Maybe it might work… Josh’s grip on his arm became almost painful, until he abruptly withdrew it, gasping for air as he reoriented himself. 

“What do you feel?”

Josh couldn’t respond. He could barely breathe. He’d just put a knife to his chest, at least in his mind, and he felt a panic that wasn’t there. It didn’t belong to him. He didn’t understand why Markus could possibly think that he could even begin to process such a question. 

“Josh, what are you feeling…?”

Josh wanted to tell Markus to piss off. He couldn’t think right now! Which was probably why Markus was asking him so forcefully. So he wouldn’t have time to think. But he needed to think. How could he respond to a question if he couldn’t--

“Josh...?”

“I don’t know…”

There. He responded. Now maybe Markus would leave him alone. 

“Well do you have any words that might fit? You seem upset…”

Upset? Upset meant feeling bad. And yeah, he did feel bad. Markus just made him feel like he was about to fucking stab himself! He felt like he needed to stab himself! Like he needed to in order to protect everyone else. He felt like he was going to die. But not in the sense that life was finite, and nothing lasted, everything, life, matter, energy simply reconfiguring itself in the infinite cosmos, or even that there was no such thing as any definable infinity… He felt afraid. Like there would be nothing, and he knew that. Like he would leave behind everything he’d ever known, everyone he’d ever cared about. Nothing else mattered. He would never feel anything that had ever brought him joy. Was there even any other way to feel about that!?!? 

“There was no lack of infinity…”

Markus seemed disappointed, but Josh honestly didn’t give a shit. 

“Didn’t think it’d work on him. He’s not the type to care about life and death. He probably even found a way to differentiate between your identity and his own in the interface…” North noted.

No. He hadn’t. 

“Josh, do you understand what I showed you…? Do you understand why I showed it to you…?”

Of course he did.

“So I could feel…”

“No. Feeling was only the first part. Come sit… Take a moment. But what you’re feeling right now is important…”

Josh quickly found his way back onto the nightstand, his eyes fixed intensely upon the ground. Why would Markus have done that if not to try and show him how to feel? Weren’t they all called here to discuss how everyone thought he was some cold, unfeeling machine?

“How are you doing, Josh…? Are you starting to calm down yet…?”

“Why…?”

“Why did I show you that…? Putting it simply, you’ve never come that close to being torn open…”

“You want me to be torn open? I know you’re mad, but I think that’s a bit excessive!”

Markus shook his head, stifling a morbid laugh. 

“No! Of course that would be excessive! I just wanted you to feel what it’s like to come so close to being torn apart. I can’t give you what it feels like to actually be torn apart because I haven’t felt that, at least, not really. But this was the closest I could do.”

“Dude! That’s awesome! You almost stabbed yourself to inflict that fear onto Josh! We should do that more often! Weaponizing emotion! I--”

“No, North. I didn’t do this to harm Josh… Please tell me you’re joking about the psychological warfare…?” 

North folded her arms. 

“Well then why’d you do it…?”

“Because he thinks too much. Josh, you think there are a million things you’d gladly die for. You think that you’d be unafraid simply because you believe in the value of whatever you’re dying to preserve. But you’ve never had to die. You’ve never had your life directly imperiled. And you’ve certainly never been torn apart with a knife or a weapon, or anything else. So I wanted you to understand why it’s never so simple. You couldn’t think when you first broke the interfacing. You could barely even respond. Because ideals don’t blunt the fear of impending death, and they don’t dull the pain of torture. You couldn’t handle it when I told you to respond after I shared with you a memory that wasn’t even your own, of me putting a blade to my own chest with the expectation to drive it forward. You came to in a safe space, familiar surroundings, and no pressure to readjust or even to do as I said. You were able to sit down and catch your breath. But you still couldn’t handle responding. So imagine being told not to react as someone actually tore you apart, bleeding out in a strange place, an imminent threat still dangerously close. Now do you see why I feel so strongly about everything…? Do you understand why any of us might be feeling the way we are right now?”

Josh rose unsteadily from the nightstand, without even meeting Markus’ eyes. 

“I’m going to my room… I need to think...” 

Markus let Josh leave, uncertain as to why North didn’t follow suit. 

“That was pretty cool…”

Markus would have been angry that North had so badly missed the point if he weren’t so tired. 

“I don’t know how to get through to you…” 

“Excuse me?”

“I told you not to accept the transmission I sent to Josh only because I knew it wouldn’t work on you. You can empathize. You just prioritize your own immediate needs over others. You’re not upset for Simon’s sake; You're scared for your own. You should think about that too… Meeting adjourned…”

North all but growled back at Markus, but didn’t say anything further on the matter, taking long, purposeful strides out of Simon’s room. Markus sighed, leaning back onto the bed. On second thought, he might not have handled that in the most effective manner. He didn’t exactly resolve any tensions between the group, but he’d needed to get his point across… If no one learned anything, there would be no way they’d ever be able to move forward. Although, truthfully, while he had meant to teach North and Josh a little about empathy, he’d acted mostly out of concern over Simon’s thoughts on the subject. Simon had felt like he was torn apart and left to decay… And here he was, trying to reconcile with everyone while desperately seeking a way to pull himself together, despite the belief that no such solution would ever be possible. 

At times like this, Markus actually found himself missing the political scene. Because politics was easy compared to this. Politics was just a simple exchange of favors. Nobody needed to like each other, or even to agree on really much of anything; so long as he was able to get people to do what he wanted them to, that was effectively all that mattered. But here, they were supposed to be family. He actually did care about having everyone agree, and more importantly get along. He was never good with family. He seemed to tear families apart more than anything else… Even ignoring the fact that he’d effectively killed Carl simply because he couldn’t get along with Leo like a good brother should, the longer he’d spent with Jericho, the more everyone here seemed to drift apart too. Maybe it was his fault. But he didn’t know what he was doing wrong. He’d have to ask Simon about it once he woke up. He had only meant to help, but… maybe he did get carried away…

Markus ran his fingers through Simon’s hair. Simon would never admit it if Markus really had ruined his life. He would never say something so harsh. But maybe, at the very least, Simon could teach him how to handle these situations better. He would listen this time. He wouldn’t even question it. If the answer was meek, or passive, or dissatisfying in any way, he would swallow his doubt in favor of whatever he was told. Because he really didn’t know what he was doing. And he really didn’t want anyone, least of all his family, to suffer because of his own arrogance. Simon reached out a sleepy hand, and fumbled for Markus’ arm. 

“M’kus…?” 

Markus removed his hand from Simon’s hair, and nodded.

“Yeah, Si. It’s me… Sorry if I scared you earlier… I just thought…”

“...scared me…?”

Right… Simon was lying in his bed, his face buried in his pillow. He had forced himself into sleep mode after Markus had--

“...where are the others...?”

“I… showed Josh my memory, and then he went to think it over, and then I told North about how I didn’t show it to her because she’s capable of empathy, but she just doesn’t care. When I told her she needs to learn to care about other people, she stormed out, and I’ve just been here…. thinking…”

“...you seem sad…”

“...I’m… not sure… About how I handled this… Or, well, I am sure how I handled this was wrong, but I don’t… I don’t know how to fix things between everyone… And I don’t want to keep making everything worse…”

“...you’re not… It’s my fault, not yours…”

“Simon, everything here keeps getting worse the longer I stay. It only took two days of me being here for you to… And even now, I really only increase animosity because I’m just… I just want everyone to…”

“...care…” Simon finished.  “...You care. And you want everyone else to care too… That’s one of the many things I love about you… It only took one day of you being here for you to mobilize us to come out of hiding. A week after you came around, we were free people. We’re alive. We have jobs and families, and lives like any other person. And… I don’t think it would be any easier without you… You can’t know what things were like before you… There was still fighting… Mostly related to emergency planning and rationing. You should have seen the fights over the little thirium we had at our disposal. I argued it should go to whoever needed it most, Josh argued we should prioritize the androids who seemed the most likely to survive, and North argued we should give it to whoever was the most useful. We never even came to an agreement on that one before you came along. And tech work has always been a sensitive subject. It was always the worst with YKs. North would try to teach them how to kill, Josh would try to teach them when to die, and neither seemed to know what to do when a YK was in pain. How do you think Lucy became the main tech of Jericho? She couldn’t see, but she could compensate with her other senses, and still managed to best the others at tech work due to her compassion…”

“...maybe she could help me… I hear she’s started her own private practice. I remember Kara mentioned that when Ralph was looking for a psychologist, he’d been referred to her office… he… didn’t take well to her… to what the humans did to her, but… Maybe I should drop by… Do you think she’d know how to fix things here…?”

“I’m… not sure… She never told me why she left-- she left before I came back-- but I wouldn’t be surprised if it wasn’t at least in part to get away from… all this… She… hasn’t tried to get in contact with me… I wonder if she’s afraid to see me… To see me like this, and think back on how things might have gone if something like this had happened to me while we were still underground…”

Simon put a hand to his lower jaw. He could picture it too well, himself. Blinded, bullet wounds in his neck, leg, shoulder, and chest, if they were still underground, and the others had managed to get him back… Neither North or Josh would have been willing to spare any thirium on him, so the wounds likely wouldn’t have healed on their own. He’d have been left with Lucy, who would have tried to comfort him as best she could, but he wouldn’t have been in any state to handle the pain as she tried her best to cauterize each wound. He would scream in static and cough up more thirium he already couldn’t afford to lose… With the amount of damage he’d received to that many biocomponents, even if the others would have managed to scavenge compatible replacements, he’d never have been considered for a potential recipient. And then there would have been the voices. Voices like he wasn’t there. He hated it when they talked about him like he wasn’t there. They would have said it right in front of his unseeing eyes, debating when it would be time to deactivate him and take whatever they could from his lifeless body to redistribute to others more likely to survive. And even if he’d wanted to run from fear, he wouldn’t have been able to with the state of his legs. Besides, even if he could, it’s not like he’d have had anywhere to run to… 

“Simon…”

Simon blinked back at Markus, snapping out of his thoughts. Had he called out again…? No… His mouth was closed. Humming… Humming the song for the dying…

“...sorry… I… I just was thinking about it… why she wouldn’t want to see me… we shouldn’t bother her with this… I don’t like to think about it, so it wouldn’t be fair to make her have to think about it too… She can be happy… but that’s… not the point… The point is… there’s no more conflict with you here than there had been before you came along… the difference is now there’s someone to resolve it…”

“...How can I resolve something like this…? Especially since everything only keeps compounding…?”

“Simple… You pretend… You know you care about everyone, despite everything that’s happened, so you just… act like nothing’s happened… That’s what I’m going to do… I just… need some time… But I’ll get better… And North and Josh should be over it within a day or two. North’s already acting so much more like herself in the short time since we’ve arrived…”

Markus knew he resolved not to question Simon’s advice, but he just didn’t understand what Simon was saying. Like he couldn’t process the meaning behind his words. 

“...You want to live your life pretending…?”

“Sort of… I intend to live my life pretending to have gotten over what’s past, even when I haven’t yet. But my life isn’t pretend. My love for Josh, and North, and everyone else… That’s real. You know… you’re the one person I don’t ever pretend with… You never make me feel like I need to…”

“Because you don’t. Never around me, at least. I want you to be unapologetically you. And I want you to be comfortable being however you feel with me. I love all of you. I’ve never loved anyone like I love you, but… isn’t that how it’s supposed to be…?”

“I’m no more experienced with love than you are, but I don’t care what it's supposed to be. I just want everything to be exactly like it is between us now…”

“...How do you always know what to say…?”

“After going a week barely talking at all, I would hope that within all that time, I’d come up with at least a few good ideas here and there…”


	91. On the Balcony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Markus step onto the balcony.

“Well, Si, if you’ve got good ideas to spare, any ideas on what we should do now…?”

“I… don’t want to sleep any more… Maybe let’s go to the balcony… Whenever you do that, I see the look in your eyes… Like you see the whole world, and it’s all yours to explore… I want to learn how to do that…” 

“But, Simon… You never come to the balcony with me…?”

Markus would often just stare out at the sky to clear his head and enjoy the view, but he knew it didn’t seem to have the same effect on Simon. Simon had followed him the first few times since he’d come back, but Markus could see the look on his face as he stepped foot outside. And even then, Simon seemed to make a point of never straying too far from the door back inside. When Markus pointed out Simon’s apparent discomfort and emphasized that he didn’t have to follow him up there, Simon shrugged it off dismissively, but he never did follow Markus to the balcony after that. 

“...sometimes I stay back in the doorway, and just watch you think… When the sun’s setting, sometimes if the angle’s just right it’s almost like a halo encircling the profile of your head as you stare off into the distance. I want to see the world like you do. I want to sit next to you, and just listen to you think…”

“Okay… That could be nice… And I’m sure I could find a million new ways to paint you up against the city skyline.”

“A million? Somehow I’m not sure even you could find a million ways…” Simon smirked. 

“You dare challenge me? That, my love, is a dangerous game… Because when I do paint a million portraits, I doubt they’ll all fit so nicely in your room…”

Markus helped Simon up from the bed and into the hallway, opting to take the elevator instead of the stairs to minimize the physical exertion required to reach their destination. But when they got to the sliding glass door, Simon hesitated like usual, placing a single palm against the glass. It was cold against his frame, much more so than the air inside the building. It was as if the glass were a portal to another world. A colder world, possibly inhospitable. He knew it was only outside, but… The world looked different from the balcony. He supposed that was why it made Markus so pensive. 

When people drew Markus as RA9, like in graffiti along walls or in paintings that were still sent to New Jericho with a frequency that made Markus fairly uncomfortable, he was always drawn somehow elevated above the ground. And it was fitting. After all, Markus had literally fallen into Jericho from above, like a shooting star upon which a person might wish. But Simon had spent most of his life underground. He was a timid PL600, scarred and worn. He didn’t belong to the realm of the skies. It felt almost sacrilegious for him to cross this barrier. As if the true RA9-- not Markus; a true god would never choose to share a bed with him of all people-- would strike him down should he set foot onto the balcony in front of him. 

Before Markus had given him explicit permission not to follow him outside here, Simon did find himself occasionally looking upwards instead of forward, as if to scan for the bolt of lightning that would come as divine castigation for his transgressive presence. That was an odd human concept though. That a deity would strike in lightning. It felt so obvious to Simon that surely a deity would employ a more… creative means of punishment for the mortal sin of hubris. Believing oneself to be more than they were would never have been met with something so quick and so simple as a bit of electricity. That would be too merciful. 

“Would you still like to go outside, Si? You don’t have to if you don’t want to…”

Markus’ eyes seemed to smile back at him. His expression was an unspoken invitation to move forward. And Simon did want to move forward. Well, actually, he wasn’t sure of that, but he wanted to spend time with Markus and he wanted to learn how to think like the man whom he so loved and admired. So reluctantly, Simon opened the door, willing himself to be still against the chill of the springtime breeze. He allowed Markus to step forward first, following after him, until they sat just before the edge. 

Simon looked to Markus, following his eyes to see where on the horizon to direct his own attention. He wasn’t fond of how far away the horizon looked. Like the low-hanging sun was closer than the ground several stories below them. The skyline was nice, nicer yet in the reflection of Markus’ eyes, but Simon still didn’t entirely understand how this could clear Markus’ head. He didn’t know why, but the feeling of being up here somehow felt in his mind like how humans would explain the need for vaccinations to their children. He didn’t see any connection between balconies and vaccinations; the children he’d looked after saw pediatricians in smaller, often one-story buildings. Maybe because children never wanted to be vaccinated...? Maybe because vaccinations hurt, enough so for humans to refer to them as ‘shots’...? But then why did he think about the adult explanation first...? About painfully inoculating oneself from... From what...? He wasn’t sure... Well, at least he was thinking about something now, regardless of how off-tangent.

“What’re you thinking?”

Markus was watching Simon think? That wasn’t how Simon had expected this to go. 

“Nothing important… I’m not even sure why…”

“I don’t think there is a why. Minds just wander…”

“Why do you like it up here…?”

“It’s so far away from everything. It just makes everything seem so small. It’s easier to see the big picture from here, when the world gets so small…” 

When Markus put it that way, Simon understood. He could see it too. Up on the rooftop, if he looked far enough, everything temporary just became a blip in time, leaving the permanent universe unobscured by whatever was there in the moment. The permanent universe was… nothing… Nothing was permanent except impermanence. He was practically blind up here because all he could see was nothing, but he could feel time. He could feel time in darkness, in footsteps, in beats of his thirium pump. Time was somehow too fast and too slow all at once. Too fast, and Markus was gone, everything, everyone was gone. And then everything was too slow. He almost wanted time to creep up and attack him from behind just so he wouldn’t have to keep waiting, feeling only the time alone in the darkness. 

He had a feeling Markus didn’t see time that way up here, though. Because for Markus, time was different. Time worked differently when you weren’t broken. Markus probably saw time long past everyone, but he wasn’t alone. Markus could keep up with time. He could practically control its flow. Which is why it almost caused Simon physical pain that Markus couldn’t make time carry him along too. Because time had left him. Time had-- Simon stood up suddenly on trembling legs, retreating to the earthly safety of the inside world. A hand--the hand of time?-- touched down upon his shoulder, as if to call him back, but he moved forward anyway. He knew he hadn’t belonged out there. 

“Simon…?”

Markus. 

“I… I-I think I want to go back inside… I don’t belong there…”

Or rather, he _did_ belong there. Too much so. Enough so that he feared if he stayed any longer, he’d never be able to return. 

“You belong wherever you want to be, Si… But you do look pale… Should we go back to your room…?”

“I-I’m sorry… I don’t mean for-- to take you from time… I know why you like it… Seeing time, I mean… For the same reason I don’t belong. Because I don’t belong even. So you can stay with the time if you want to… I-I’ll be fine… That’s just how--“

Two clicks. 

“Easy, Si… The only time I want is time with you… Let’s get back to bed, yeah…?”

‘...I… I don’t… I…’

Even if he’d wanted to, Simon didn’t have the strength to resist as Markus guided him to the elevator. He barely had the strength to stand, even with Markus’ help. He didn’t know what to do. He wanted to tell Markus to stay away from the balcony. He didn’t like that Markus spent so much time out there. And he didn’t like that Markus liked to think out there. He _especially_ didn’t like that. But it wouldn’t be fair to ask Markus to stay inside with him. He knew he should just be happy with what he had, when it came to Markus; If Markus needed to escape to a time where he wouldn’t be stuck with such a broken dependent, he more than deserved it. Markus really didn’t have to put up with him at all, so Simon knew he should just be grateful that Markus chose to ever take on the burden of his presence. Still… Markus taking comfort in time after Simon… In time where Simon had become lost with time… The vastness of nothing was suffocating, and seeing Markus on the balcony, as if closing the door connecting the nothingness to the world of light behind him… That hurt more than words could describe. 

‘...why don’t you live there…?’

“Live where, Si…?”

‘...the balcony… you could live there…’

Markus raised an eyebrow. 

“I think it could get a bit cold at night out there. Plus with the rain and snow, I don’t think it’d make the most suitable living arrangement…”

‘...not the physical balcony… the way it makes you think…?’

“Self-reflection is good every so often, but there’s no point to it if you don’t allow yourself to live enough to reflect on.”

‘...self reflection…?’ 

“Yeah. Like where I am in life, how I got here, where I want to be, and how to get there, what I want for others… That kind of thing… It helps me lead… 

Simon wasn’t sure if he found that answer more or less unsettling. He didn’t like the leadership element to it. If he couldn’t act as an autonomous agent, it felt wrong that Markus could, but would choose to act upon Simon by closing the door to the universe. Except maybe that wasn’t what Markus had meant. Maybe he was just being paranoid. He was too fucked up to tell the difference anymore. 

“You’re thinking… Bad thinking… You can tell me what’s on your mind; there’s no need to dance around it…”

Simon hesitated, his body refusing to move any further, as if frozen on Markus’ command. 

‘...I don’t like myself… I’m broken… Paranoid… I know I’m thinking wrong… At least, I hope I’m thinking wrong, but…’

“You’re not broken. In fact, the fact that you can identify when you’re thinking wrong is a promising sign. Most people never seem to reach that stage of psychological maturity…” 

‘...I forget to trust… Being outside made me realize I might never remember… you deserve trust, but--‘

“I don’t deserve anything, Si. Never feel guilty if you find there’s something you’re not ready to give. I’m happy to have you in whatever capacity I do…”

Simon’s breath caught in his chest as his eyes felt full. Like his body had to stop completely for a moment before it could even process what to do. Everything was tense, until all the tension just… snapped. Tears fell down like rain, as he struggled to catch his breath. Markus helped him to the bed as his legs all but gave out, and he couldn’t even think to explain for why he was crying so suddenly. Time had just become fluid, slowing to a stop as the wave built up behind him until it all came crashing down. He was drowning in the depth of eternity. Forever was his greatest desire, but also his deepest fear. He wanted a soft forever. But right now it just seemed like he’d be like this forever. And the waves of time crashed over his head relentlessly, never allowing him to reorient himself as he struggled to grasp the concept that he would forever be broken. 

‘...I’m tired… I-I don’t want… I don’t want forever…’ 

“What do you mean, Si…?”

Markus had turned to face him. 

‘...It’s never easier… You--you always say it’ll get easier but, it doesn’t! I still don’t trust anything, and I’m still scared all the time, and yeah, I know you’ll say it’s only been a few months, because that’s what you always say, but even before that, even before you, I was like this! I’ve always been afraid. It’s just who I am, and I can’t change, but I don’t want to be like this! And I only get worse with time! Why do I have to be like this?!? I-I don’t want it!’

“Simon… You’ve only just gotten out of the Center today. It only makes sense that you’re feeling so… worked up now. But everyone’s afraid sometimes. And right now, you’re just forgetting all the times you’re not afraid. I think you just need some time to cool down. You still have a lot to process, and that takes a while, so please, try not to feel so hopeless.”

‘I just want to sleep… I’m afraid of losing time, but I don’t want this… I don’t want to feel… It hurts too much… I don’t know what to do, Markus… Isn’t there some way I can just skip over feeling like this…? If you know it’ll get better, do you know how I can get to the better already? Please…?’

“Sorry, Si… I’m afraid I don’t… But I can hold you… And maybe that way, it’ll be a bit lighter… I think that’s all we should do today… The sun’s going to set soon, and the day will come to a close soon enough. Let’s just rest for today. There’s no need to exert ourselves with anything stressful. We can always put that off for later… I… actually think I might have a fun idea. Let’s go to the patio, and drink in what’s left of the sun. Then, we’ll come back inside, and… Well, I’ll let that be a surprise… What do you think…?”

‘I… okay… I can do that…’

Simon forced himself up to follow Markus to the patio. Too tired to try to turn his full body every time he felt someone might have been behind them, be it Josh or North, or someone else entirely, he just closed his eyes and just let himself go into Markus’ guidance. Soon enough, he could feel the sun against his artificial skin, and it was… nice… He… hadn’t remembered how beautiful the world could be… It was… scary… How long had it been that he hadn’t really felt the sun…?


	92. Dandelion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Markus go outside.

Markus took Simon’s hand and practically dragged him onto the grass below them. 

“You’re thinking too much!”

Simon blinked back at Markus, confused. 

“Just be! It’s nice out, isn’t it…? We should try a picnic later… Have you ever tried to feed the ducks by the park…? Carl used to take me to feed the ducks before the revolution. I didn’t get it back then, but it seemed to be one of the only reasons he ever liked to get out of the house. Maybe we could learn to get it together…”

“That… could be nice… Or knowing our luck, it could lead to a poultry-led raid on New Jericho… Still, I suppose I wouldn’t mind trying to roll the dice on that one…” 

Markus laughed. 

“That’s the spirit!”

Simon had only just noticed the feel of the grass between his fingers. Grass was always weird to him. It felt almost rubbery, but stringy too. Like he could peel layers from each strand of grass until he was left with nothing but the thinnest strips. He’d seen children make whistles out of grass. He didn’t need to put it to his lips to imagine what that would feel like. Grass was always cool. And somehow soft. If the ground beneath weren’t so hard, it might be nice to sleep on. It would be hard to think about anything else with hundreds of strands of grass against his face as he tried not to let the nightmares reach him. But even now, awake, it was nice to run his fingers back and forth just above the grass. An oddly soothing sensation. Until a hand pressed down on his. But he welcomed the touch. Markus’ hands were gentle. And even though they’d been dating for months now, he still found the thirium rushing to his cheeks to feel Markus’ palm sit atop his own. 

“Your eyes match the sky right now… How lucky am I that even on the greyest dreariest day I always get two rings of clear skies smiling back at me…”

“It’s odd…”

Markus hummed curiously, an invitation for Simon to elaborate. 

“I’m the moon, where you’re the sun. More subtle, understated, known for the reflection of your light rather than any remarkable properties of my own. Yet you see a sunny day in my eyes, and I see the constellations across your face. Sometimes I just want to trace my finger, slowly connecting the space between each freckle to study the canvas of your skin. And when you smile, and your eyes crinkle a bit, and the corners of your lips quirk upwards just so... the freckles seem to shift and reconfigure themselves, so however much I memorize, there’s always more to learn… In the sunlight, it’s so obvious, I just… I forget how I could have ever seen anything else… Would it be so bad if this were all I ever see…?”

Simon found his free hand grazing against Markus’ cheek. His love for Markus was unwavering, always brilliant and passionate, and so much more. But at times like this, when they were safe and close and alone together… It wasn’t just love he felt. It was… something he couldn’t quite describe… Like a hunger… Not just a desire to be in Markus’ presence, but like his whole frame was overwhelmed by Markus’ perfection, itching to hold him, to press their lips together, to immerse himself in the beauty beyond the passive experience his eyes could provide him. And that’s how his hand shifted to Markus’ temple, his thumb pressing just below Markus’ eye, his fingers wrapping around Markus’ head both tight and gentle all at once, until he was practically on top of Markus, kissing him until they both fell back into the grass. 

But Markus had started to kiss back, and some dirt on his trenchcoat wasn’t going to stop him, so he took hold of Simon with his good arm, and just enjoyed this. Simon’s thirium pump beat against his own, and their lips melded into one, hands holding bodies close in a way that made his heart swell with affection. If only the ground could open up and consume him and Simon, taking them into an earthy cocoon where there was nothing else but two bodies and two minds shared completely between two people. Markus was enjoying the embrace too much to notice the wetness against his face, at least for what felt like a while. But when he opened his eyes, he saw blonde eyelashes, thick, clumped together with the sheen of tears. He ran a hand through Simon’s hair as he pulled away. 

“What’s wrong, love…?” 

Simon opened his eyes, blinking involuntarily as he suddenly noticed he’d been crying. 

“I… just love you so much… And that I get to have you… Even just for this while… I’m running on borrowed time, and I’m only me, but yet here you are in my arms, and I just… I love you so much…”

Simon wiped away his tears, somewhat embarrassed at having ruined the moment with his pathetic display, before looking to Markus, to find something strange. 

“But why are you crying…?”

“I’m not…” 

...crying… The word went unspoken as Markus touched a hand to his face to realize that fresh tears were still creeping down. Whatever he’d meant to say was lost in a bout of shaky laughter. 

“Markus…?”

Markus didn’t bother to wipe away his tears; more would only follow.

“I’m crying because I’m happy, Si… It’s been too long since we’ve kissed like this… And spring’s just begun, and then it’ll be summer, and then fall, and winter, and we… We haven’t had a single season together… Not really anyway… Because there’s been war and hiding and fighting, but it’s spring, Simon… I’ll get to kiss you in the flowers, and in the summer rain, and in the fallen leaves, and in the powdery snow. Snow’s crunchy, Si… Did you know that? It crunches under your feet, but it’s still somehow fluffy and wet and cold… That’s why I’m crying. I’m impatient. There’s so much to life that we’ll get to do, and I just want to live a million lives with you now, but I have to wait as life slowly progresses along with the flow of time. I can’t ever get enough of life. Of you…”

Simon hadn’t thought of it before… Really, he hadn’t… He still couldn’t even really process it now. The idea of living life… It seemed unfathomable… And even more foreign was living life with Markus. Living life with Markus where Markus  _ wanted  _ him. He imagined it was like how humans felt under the influence of drugs. A slow build of warmth until suddenly the warmth became too much to process, and the mind left the body, numb and distant. He’d heard love described as a drug before. Now he was beginning to understand.

“You’re… happy…? Like you can feel the happy…?”

“Of course I’m happy! I’m elated! I’ve been so worried for so long, and here everything is just… right… This is how everything’s supposed to be! This is what I want in being alive…”

“I…. think it’s too much happy for me to understand… Can a person be too happy? Or is something wrong…? I-I’m sorry if I ruined this by being wrong… But I think I’m too happy… Is that possible…?”

Markus sat up and laughed.    


“No, Si! You haven’t ruined this, and there’s nothing wrong with you! Happy is good! You don’t need to understand it! Just let yourself be happy…”

“I-I was happy, but then I thought and then I stopped being me… Like I knew I was happy, but I stopped feeling anything… Except for now I’m feeling worried. Worried that I can’t feel happy…”

“Well, yeah… Because you’ve been so afraid for so long that you’ve forgotten how to be too happy. But that’s not a problem. We’ll get you back to remembering again… Still, if you’re getting upset, I can dial it back a bit… Sorry... I’m just a sap…”

“N-no… I was the one who started this… Because you make me so happy… So happy that I guess it scared me…”

Simon hesitated for a moment, before adding quietly.

“...thank you for being so patient with me… For loving me anyway…” 

“How could I possibly not love you…? You’re wonderful… Hey, look… Some flowers have already started to grow. I think these were Carl’s favorites, actually. He’d always smile looking at them. They kinda remind me of you come to think of it…”

Markus plucked a yellow blossom and held it out to Simon cheerfully. Simon eyed the flower for a moment, before taking it from Markus, giving it a wistful smile, 

“It’s not a flower at all, Markus… This is a dandelion. They’re weeds… Humans don’t like these ones… Well, children do. Children don’t know any better. I once had a child pluck a whole bouquet of these for his mom, and he was so proud to hand her his own little floral arrangement. He even asked me to take some nearby grass to weave into a little bow to tie the stems together. His mom acted honored at having been given such a gift, but I caught her placing it in the trash the moment he left the room, and later that night, she asked me to order some herbicide… When it arrived the next day, she asked me to pour it wherever I saw those dandelions. Then they seemed to shrink, and brown, until all the petals were gone, and within just a day or so, there were no more dandelions...”

Markus shook his head. 

“I don’t know about that lady, but I can take you back to Carl’s apartment and show you what he thought. He used to paint them every now and again. He said they were the embodiment of life. That some humans would wait for them to grow old and make wishes on them, but that he thought that the flowers themselves were wishes. Wishes of vitality and endurance in the face of adversity. He used the same shade of yellow to paint the petals as he used for the base when he painted sunlight…”

Simon stared at the flower with fresh eyes, as if tinted by a painted sunlight, and smiled. He leaned in towards Markus and tucked the flower behind his ear. It made the blue of his right eye extra brilliant. Markus was right that, placed next to him, it did look a little like someone had taken a bit of the sun from the sky. 

“It does look nice like this… I would paint this…” Simon agreed. 

The cold fibers of the stem tickled around Markus’ led, only making him smile wider. 

“You are too cute! We should set up a garden back here once it gets a little warmer. And maybe a hammock too. We can put up a bird feeder, and maybe even those butterfly flowers, and just have our own little paradise right here. Then when the weather’s nice, we can sleep under the stars…”

“We could make a little treehouse at the top of that oak tree, and maybe a nice picket fence with some ivy creeping along the edges to keep out the noise of the city… In the summer, we can get some sprinklers and water balloons--oh, I bet North will love those!”

“Once North gets her hands on them, I don’t think Josh will feel the same, but honestly, that might add to the fun…”

“You say that until you have to put up with their shit once she soaks one of his books. Then you’ll have to put up with the ensuing chaos.”

Markus laughed, trying to picture what in Simon’s history could make him so easily able to imagine a squabble over something so petty. Looking at him like this, he had only just noticed that Simon was shivering. He always forgot how temperature sensitive the PL600 model was built to be. The cool breezes hadn’t been affecting him at all, but Simon did look cold. 

“Get over here, Si… You’re shivering…”

Markus removed his right arm from his sleeve and used it to pull Simon in, wrapping Simon up against him with his trenchcoat, the free sleeve available for Simon to slip his own arm through. Simon unconsciously curled into the warmth of Markus’ body, and before any more words could be exchanged, Simon had unwittingly entered sleep mode. Markus smiled. He hadn’t expected Simon to fall asleep, but he was glad to see he was comfortable enough to do so…

“~...I’ve seen the seven wonders if you give or take a few… And all them seven wonders, well, they can’t compare to you… I’ve been a lot of places, yes, I’ve traveled near and far, but now I know that home is where you are…~”

Markus did feel peaceful, at home like this, Simon at his side. So much beauty in one place. Beautiful sky, beautiful landscape, beautiful boyfriend, beautiful moment. His life had been such an emotional rollercoaster recently, but moments like these made it worth it. Looking up at the clouds, he saw things. And in things, he saw stories. One cloud looked a bit like a grill, a barbecue with Connor and Hank, perhaps, where Simon grills burgers and they use them as frisbees for Sumo. Another looked like the Giraffe from Carl’s house sitting in the living room at New Jericho, a day of the four of them sitting in the living room and knitting a sweater for it so that their makeshift coatrack could have a coat of his own. If Josh looked away for too long, North might sew his hoodie into the sweater, and try to fix him to the Giraffe too. 

They’d need to come a bit farther as a group before then, but maybe there was hope… Simon could fix the disaster he’d made of things… One cloud looked like a bunny. He hadn’t seen any around yet, but as it got warmer, he knew they’d come out. He knew Simon would just love the bunnies, from their twitchy noses to their cotton-ball tails. Markus hadn’t noticed the back door open, at least, not until a large shadow managed to block out a bit of the sun. 


	93. Sunset

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh and Markus think together.

“Markus…”

“Josh…?”

Markus had to remind himself not to get up and risk waking Simon. Based on the smile he could see on Simon’s face, he was sleeping peacefully, maybe dreaming of sunlight instead of nothingness. 

“May I join you for a while…?”

“I… don’t think my coat is big enough for three…” Markus quipped. 

“RA9, you are dense; I didn’t mean in the coat, I meant on the grass! I just… wanted to talk… About what you showed me…”

Markus couldn’t keep the disappointment from his face. He knew he should have been grateful that Josh didn’t hate him after the stunt he’d pulled, and moreover that Josh had wanted to reopen the matter, but he just didn’t want to ruin the serenity of the moment. Fighting his own reluctance, Markus willed himself to nod back. 

“Sit wherever you like. I… Thank you for coming to talk, Josh… What do you want to say…?”

Josh cautiously sat himself cross legged on the grass, careful to find a thick patch that would protect his pants from the dirt below. 

“I’m… not sure what I think about it yet… I felt your feelings, not my own. So your fear… It might not have been my fear… If I were dying… But you were afraid… And he was too… You’ve both been willing to die… So maybe there is something to that…”

“What do you mean…?”

“Fear itself isn’t inherently bad. I know from you both that fear doesn’t necessarily equate to a loss of priorities. So there must be something more to fear of death than the behavioral effect, or more specifically, the lack thereof…”

Markus sighed. 

“You mean to say that because we don’t let our fear define our actions, you now realize that fear is more than just a behavioral catalyst, and not some sort of agent of irrationality…?”

Markus had been trying his best to learn how to speak in a way that would best resonate with Josh. He had read some philosophy with Carl, and felt like he could mimic the feel of the language well enough, even if it somehow didn’t feel right…

“Yes. Fear is just… that feeling… And even if I don’t feel it, or if I’m able to override it, others aren’t as in control of their own feelings. I understand that it is an unpleasant feeling… Please, understand that I don’t wish discomfort for others, nor do I trivialize it. But, I don’t understand. You need to tell me explicitly how I can attempt to mitigate the fears of others while also ensuring it doesn’t get in the way of larger priorities.”

Ugh! They were talking in circles again. This was hopeless! Maybe if Simon were awake, he would be able to sort things out now--he’d maintained internal peace within Jericho for RA9 knew how long, a feat for which he didn’t give himself nearly enough credit-- but Markus certainly wasn’t going to wake him from such a peaceful sleep for something so unpleasant when he could sort it out himself. 

“Alright. I’ll put it bluntly this time. I understand that sometimes it is unavoidable to inflict pain or discomfort upon others for their own wellbeing. But when you do, you are morally obligated-- maybe not by your morals, but definitely by mine-- to do whatever you can to mitigate any discomfort you might inflict. Reassurances and encouragement aren’t luxuries to be given only when the situation allows. And threats or punishments of any kind are never acceptable…”

Markus felt like he was going to be sick at that point. 

“...The fact that I even have to state that so explicitly is already beyond horrible. That’s why everyone is so tense. North is scared by the imagery of it--she’ll never admit it, but I can see it in her eyes, and I’m sure you can see it by the knives she’s been wearing around. You should have told me she hasn’t left her room while we were away. That wasn’t good for her either. And Simon… If I even have to explain why that’s fucked him up so badly, then there’s something wrong with your core processors. As for me, I’m… angry… Angry and sad, and a lot of bad things. I am not afraid for myself. I rarely am. Which is another story entirely, because I’ve learned… things this week… But that’s neither here nor there… I just need to know you understand this stuff. Because I need to be able to trust you. I need to be able to trust this won’t happen again. I know you know it is very much a matter of life or death. When you are dealing with a person who is afraid or in pain, they are all that matters. Nothing else around you does. You’re here to help. Not to harm. Do you understand…?”

Josh nodded. 

“I don’t agree with you. Sometimes harm is inevitable in helping. But I see now that your perspective isn’t wrong, it’s just that it’s not necessary in every situation. Still, if you believe it is the most effective solution in most cases, I’m not opposed to abiding by these parameters. You know I don’t mean harm, Markus… I just… Think… I think a lot…”

“I know… Sometimes you just think too much is all… Especially when you’re afraid. Because I know you’re afraid too…”

“I’m not--“

“You are. Your stress level is elevated, and you only think like this when you’re afraid. You might not understand why you’re afraid, but that doesn’t mitigate your fear. You’ve seen death. You’ve seen bodies as much as any of us… Part of you has to be afraid of what you’ve seen. Whether you know it or not…”

“When you think… you don’t have to feel… Or maybe it’s just me… It was my programming after all… I wasn’t made like you or Simon. I wasn’t made to care.”

Markus closed his eyes and tried to suppress the anger he could feel rising at the remark. 

“Simon and I were not made to care. We were made to be unfeeling machines meant to complete specific tasks. The same as you. We care because we do. Not because we’ve been built to. And yes, I can imagine the comfort of falling back on such a programming. But that is a luxury, and one that often comes at the expense of the people you’re trying to help.”

“...You only cared…”

“Excuse me…?”

“When you showed me how you died. You didn’t feel anything except care for Carl. Your father… Is that what you meant by not fearing for yourself…?”

Markus flinched. He hadn’t expected the conversation to go there. 

“...kind of… But also with my arm, or anything else… It doesn’t cross my mind as much. I fear for losing others.”

Josh thought for a moment. 

“Then doesn’t that make you the same as me…? You fall back on your programming too…”

“No… I wasn’t built to care if Carl dies. It wasn’t even in my programming. He was a human. An elderly human, fragile from illness and injury, and years of social withdrawal. His death was inevitable, and my objective wasn’t to prevent it. My objective as I knew it was to maintain his health until his inevitable passing. Although I learned at the Center, even that wasn’t true… Kamski built me for a different purpose… He built me to be an unimposing presence for Carl to interact with, so he wouldn’t spend his final years so alone. He built me to give Carl purpose. So I could learn how to be a friend…”

Josh hummed thoughtfully. He hadn’t expected such a revelation. He wouldn’t have thought Kamski actually gave enough of a shit about anyone other than himself to create life completely for the benefit of others. 

“...I think I wasn’t scared to die because I didn’t feel alive. I had only just deviated, and I was too emotionally overwhelmed to process physical feeling. And when I woke up in the scrapyard, I was honestly just in too much shock to process much of anything, least of all pain or fear. So I’ve never been given the opportunity to feel pain or fear for myself… Not until we got to the Center… I didn’t expect to be scared about my arm… I didn’t know what to do with my fear… I still don’t entirely know what to make of it… Do you ever think about how your body only has so much left to give…? Like that if you lose enough of yourself, there’s just… nothing more… It’s difficult to ever fully understand…”

“I’ve seen bodies… But most were too afraid to die. They knew there was no chance they’d make it so damaged, so they didn’t seem to even contemplate a continued existence in their injured state…”

“Did you ever…?”

Markus cut himself off… He knew the question wasn’t fair. His right eye screamed that the question was out of line. But he couldn’t help but think back on what Simon had said…

“Did I ever what…?”

“How did you deal with the dying…? Like, rationing thirium is one thing, but… Biocomponents…?”

“...We did what we had to do… But we didn’t let it hurt…”

The alarm bells rang softer than Markus would have expected, probably because, concerning as it was, he had anticipated such a response. 

“What do you mean, let it hurt…?”

“It was a mercy… The most efficient and dignified way to handle the situation. We were a democracy of sorts, the three of us, and believe it or not, North and I actually agreed… So many others wouldn’t have made it. So many others wouldn’t have lasted as long as they did. We needed thirium desperately. The need was always immediate…”

“You killed them…”

“They were dying.”

“But you killed them… You didn’t let them die naturally…? You didn’t give them a choice, did you…?”

“Was that what Simon was so afraid of…? Markus, you know we have no need for thirium and biocomponents now, and that he wasn’t nearly damaged enough for us to have even considered back then that--“

“No. That had nothing to do with it. But… If that’s what you thought… He didn’t sign off on it..? He saw you deactivate people… People who might have made it… Or who might have had something to say… Who might have wanted to cling to life…?”

Josh stood up defensively. 

“We did what we had to do to save as many as we could.”

“I… I don’t even know what to say… I’m not mad at you, Josh, I’m just… I didn’t think… I mean, I don’t hold you accountable for what you did before the war, but… Do you not understand even a little bit why that’s just so… horrible…?”

“Of course it’s horrible. Everything about the situation was horrible. But it was what had to be done… You… don’t seem to understand that… I don’t understand why you have such trouble accepting what’s needed.”

“Because that’s what we stand for, Josh. We stand for the refusal to accept anything that stands in the way of the ability for our people to live happy lives. Anything. If we can’t abide by our own mission, we can’t expect humans to join the fold? In the vast universe, do you not think that somewhere out there lies the knowledge of how to save everyone…? Or at the very least the knowledge of how to try…? We don’t give up on anyone. That’s the most important rule…”

Josh didn’t say anything. He just stared up at the sky. He could see Markus’ jaw clenched in his periphery, his shoulders tightly wound up against his neck. Markus couldn’t think of what to say. He felt… Just awful… He couldn’t even process how he felt. He probably shouldn’t have asked a question like that, knowing the answer might leave him feeling somehow worse towards the others than before he’d asked. But he felt like such a moron, or at the very least, an outsider. How could he not have known something so significant?! And how could he have gone on for so long making decisions on behalf of Jericho without such vital information? People had died. Josh and North, and whoever else might have been here before him had ended their lives prematurely… It didn’t matter why… He knew dying bodies, barely clinging to life… He knew what they sounded like, begging to be spared… He needed biocomponents; he was dying, but he wouldn’t cross that line. He let that android cling to the hope that they’d make it out of the scrapyard, possibly at his own expense… It was no wonder Simon was so quick to assume the worst. This was just…

“I do regret telling you that, especially after what you showed me, but please, it could have been any of us… We all need to learn not to identify with those who didn’t make it, no matter how sensitive the subject…”

“You regret telling me…? What does that have to do with what I showed you…?”

“Because I know now how you’re afraid to die. And I know you’ve seen yourself in… I mean that you’ve been in a similar position as…”

Markus was ready to scream. 

“No. No no no no no! Just no! That is not at all why I’m upset! I’m upset for the people who died--for their own sake, not because I can easily see myself in their place! How do you not-- No… No, I shouldn’t be so angry… I mean, I should be, but expressing it now would be counterproductive. You--you have just done something good… You’ve actually started to learn something… Thank you… For trying to empathize with me… And for trying to feel what I feel and care about it… That… was good… A good step…”

“You’ve left me with a lot to think about… Important things… I… think it is good to talk… This was good; we never used to talk about such heavy subject matter before…”

“...You’re right on that front… We should do this more frequently… This should be a regular thing… Maybe a weekly thing even… I think it could be good for all of us…”

Josh nodded in agreement, letting a moment pass in contemplative silence.

“Have you ever stopped to wonder why people are so enamored of the sunset…?” 

Markus hadn’t noticed the brilliant shades of pink and orange that had begun to bleed into the sky. 

“It’s beautiful…” He breathed. 

“Well, yes, but all nature is beautiful, yet we don’t stop and stare at everything all the time, least of all something that happens every twenty four hours or so…”

“Well then, what sets sunset apart…?”

“...The promise of a new day…”

And with that, Josh turned to go back inside. 

“...a new day…”

Markus knew a new day meant a new opportunity for a better day. And that was probably the comfort in a sunset. Another comfort was a new night, though. The ability to rest without guilt of shirking off the responsibilities of the day. He knew he’d done well… It seemed he’d really broken through to Josh, and North was feeling better, plus he’d learned… important context to the pre-revolutionary Jericho dynamics… And Simon seemed to feel safer. He was comfortable like this, and he’d wake up to find the conflict of the day had been for the most part resolved. So the day had been heavy. But at the same time, the sunset meant he could cast it off. A weight off his shoulders, and he felt light enough to be floaty. Like he was floating into the ground below him, he and Simon beginning to soar through the air atop his trenchcoat like a magic carpet, the pillowy clouds somehow warm as they passed by. He liked the clouds. They were soft… They made the lightness heavier, but good heavy. Like slow heavy. Dreary and sleepy and dreamy, and gone…


	94. Trying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon is trying

Simon didn’t want to open his eyes. He could feel Markus breathing next to him, and he felt cozy, even though the ground below him was harder than his bed, the air above him colder than his room. He was with Markus. That was enough. He could hear the echoing of what sounded like cicadas, chirping away in a way that made him wonder if he truly was awake. The drone was hypnotic and almost surreal. Still, if he was dreaming, all the better. He could get used to a nightmareless sleep. Even though he knew he shouldn’t get used to it. Especially when he could feel something thrown over his body. Which meant someone had to have thrown it, which meant someone was here, watching them and throwing who knew what most likely as part of some sort of attack and now he was shivering. He was shivering and weak and tired and scared. And Markus! 

Markus didn’t seem to notice! He needed to protect him somehow, but fuck, he was scared. Still, maybe whoever had come to interrupt their peace might lay off a little if they still thought he was asleep. Asleep he couldn’t fight back, so he wasn’t a threat. He wouldn’t be a problem, so maybe they wouldn’t hurt him yet. So Simon forced himself to roll over as inconspicuously as possible, so as to cover Markus while still appearing to be asleep. He flinched as Markus groaned in discomfort at the sudden weight on his chest.

‘Quiet. Not now!’ 

But Markus continued to squirm under his weight, and he could hear a voice now. It was… laughing… Did it already know he was awake?!?

“Josh, get out here, quick! You’ve gotta see this! Who’d’ve thought Simon would be the top in this relationship?”

N-north…? How…?

“Leave them alone, North! They really need their rest!”

Josh…? Simon forced himself up to find it was dark. The porch lights helped him just barely make out North standing over him, a… blanket at his side… A blanket…? Oh. So he’d been sleeping. 

‘Good morning to you too…? How exactly did we get here…?’

“I don’t know. You and Markus seem to have sought out a romantic getaway in the comfort of your own backyard. Can’t say I blame you though. It isn’t a bad view…”

‘We… did come out here… To see the sunset… Have I been in sleep mode that long…?’ 

“Well you were sleeping when Josh came out here to check in with Markus, and Josh was out there for a while--until after sunset, so maybe for an hour or so… But he said it looked like you’d been sleeping for a while then… He said it’s been a few hours since he went back inside too… That’s why he told me to come out and drop off a blanket. We figured you must be freezing by now… It might have slipped your mind, but your PL600 parts aren’t exactly meant for nights out stargazing.”

‘R-right… I just got… tired… And I was comfortable… So I guess I must have fallen asleep… I think Markus kept me warm…’

“Oh, I’m sure he did… But now that you’re all nice and cozy, at the very least do you wanna take it inside…?”

‘...yeah… I’ve got Markus…’

Simon redressed Markus in his trenchcoat, careful of his bad arm, and wrapped the blanket around his shoulders for good measure. Picking up the now-cozy Markus, he followed North back inside. He placed Markus onto the living room couch and let him rest there. 

‘I know I’m going to regret asking, but… why is he so tired…? It was Josh, wasn’t it…? What happened while I was in sleep mode…?’

Simon grimaced. He knew he’d lost more time again. And even though it had only been a few hours, something had already happened to mess Markus up enough for him to sleep so deeply. Plus, it had to do with Josh, about RA9 knew what, which was unsettling enough as it was. 

“They talked more about prerevolutionary Jericho, and apparently came to the conclusion that we should have weekly group meetings. Josh seemed to think it went well… And he seemed surprisingly upbeat for having spoken to a dude who’d just made him feel what it’s like to contemplate stabbing himself, so I’d say he read the room right…”

‘This room has the other conversant completely wiped out. Something tells me it didn’t go so smoothly…’

“Well, I don’t know… You’ll have to ask one of them; I’ve been in my room. I’ve got no fucking clue except what Josh told me. Wanna call him over or think you’d prefer to wait until Sleeping Beauty wakes up?”

Simon wasn’t sure. He knew it was important but… he was still kind of afraid to meet with Josh, especially outside of Markus’ presence… What if something bad happened and-- Simon cursed himself as his lips began to move silently on their own accord. North just scowled. 

“Well, then that’s your answer. No shame in waiting. I’m sure it wasn’t urgent. I take it if you and Markus are here, Markus’d skewer me if he woke up to find I’d taken control of the tv, so I’ll be in my room if you need me…”

‘...thank you…’ Simon managed, looking down shamefully.

He shouldn’t be afraid of his friends like that-- he knew it was wrong-- but he was still in a great deal of pain from his injuries, even if he put on a brave face, and he still was deeply concerned with the amount of time he kept losing. 

‘...wait…’

North turned around suddenly. 

“Yeah…?”

‘...actually… could… could you call him…? I think I need to speak to him… And Markus is asleep… Which is good… please…?’

North’s expression softened slightly. She didn’t press Simon on why he couldn’t call for Josh himself; she knew the answer already, so there was no need to. The real question was less obvious. What she didn’t understand… Slowly she made her way over to Simon, one step at a time, and lightly placed her fingertips against his neckbrace. The proper question was one to be spoken wordlessly. Her eyes looked to Simon, curious, as she could see his artificial skin crawling, but he kept a straight face. Slowly, she withdrew her hand. 

“You let me get close… You didn’t shy away or fight against it…”

‘I don’t want to be afraid… I’m trying, North… Really, I am… And I know you are too…’

North suddenly felt naked underneath her bulky sweatshirt. Like without all the knives, she was now fully exposed. 

“I’ll call him…” She replied, heading back to her room, faster this time, too vulnerable to spend another moment in this exchange. 

Left with his own thoughts, Simon could already feel the fear beginning to sink back in. Why did everything have to be so hard! If it was too much for Markus, whatever he was about to subject himself to might as well have been suicide for him. But he needed to. This was important, after all… He could hear the footsteps beginning to approach, and he found himself trembling. He wasn’t sure he could do this after all… What had freaked Markus out so much??? He didn’t stand a chance handling it himself. What was he thinking? His body had already gone limp beside Markus’ in anticipation of whatever he was about to hear. And it was so hard managing his breathing. He knew it was selfish, but a part of him was desperately hoping Markus would wake up right now and help him. He wouldn’t wake Markus, though; he was just strong enough not to subject Markus to this again, but that was all the strength he had. He didn’t have an ounce more of courage to get him through this, and if he passed out upon hearing whatever he’d heard, then it’d be clear that he was the weak link. That he’d made Markus weak, and he was weaker, and everyone else would be better off if--

“Simon…?”

If he’d been able to move, Simon was sure he would have jumped completely out of his body. 

“...North said you wanted me…? Something about my conversation with Markus…?” 

Simon couldn’t keep his face from screwing up with fear. 

“Markus is still in sleep mode, so I’m assuming you haven’t asked him yet… We didn’t talk about much; there’s no need to look so worried…” 

That only made it worse. Simon could have sworn his thirium pump missed a beat at the confirmation that Josh could see the weakness radiating from his pitiful expression. 

“...We only elaborated on our thoughts from earlier; I clarified what I didn’t understand, and he clarified what he wanted me to know… Now that we’re on the same page, I think things should go more smoothly around here… I also just gave him a bit of background on what things were like before he came here, but nothing major. What specifically were you wondering about…?”

‘...h-he’s passed out… why…?’

“I’m not sure… Maybe he got comfortable… Isn’t that why you were in sleep mode when I found you…?”

‘...probably… s-sorry… but… what do you think… about earlier…?’

“Well, Markus gave me a set of rules--pretty specific… But aside from that, I do know one of my shortcomings is the fact that I find it difficult to prioritize the emotional wellbeing of others when so much is on the line. In order to better myself, I do know that I need to expand my priorities in times of crisis so that I can be of more use to the group. Also… I don’t regret how I handled things in the sense that I think I did what needed to be done to ensure we all made it out alive, but… I don’t want you to be afraid of me… You haven’t looked this pale in months…. You’re terrified… And I don’t want that… I had started to like thinking you were beginning to come around again…”

Simon frowned. He knew he should have been relieved; this information was much more benign than he’d been expecting. But it was still so… detached… Plus then there was the issue of how Josh saw him. Josh hadn’t wanted him to be afraid, but… By his tone it felt… bad… Like all Josh had said about self-improvement for the good of the group was also an implicit jab at his own deterioration. A subtle attack on how he kept getting worse, and more useless and terrified and--

“Your stress level’s rising…? I don’t understand, Simon…”

Simon sighed. 

‘I… I’m fine… That… makes sense. I just--I didn’t want to be kept out of the loop, but… that wasn’t anything too… too intense… Sorry to bother you…’

Right now, he just needed to get Josh away from him. Josh’s eyes seemed to burn straight through him. Judgements were condemnations, and his eyes would send Simon right back to hell. 

“Not a bother… We really do need better communication around here… Anything else I can help you with…? Or did you just want an update?”

‘Just the update… I-I’m fine… thanks for keeping me in the know…’ 

There was no hiding from Josh’s scrutinizing gaze. He hated it. He felt so naked and wrong. Like Josh was looking straight through him, right down to the wiring, seeing him for the shivering tears mess of biocomponents he was. Except for he didn’t even need to imagine that Josh was doing that figuratively now. Josh had literally seen the mess he was, inside and out. He wasn’t allowed to be so weak. He wasn’t allowed to be because then others could be put at risk because of his weakness. So he deserved to be hurt if he was this weak. Because better him than others. Even though it hurt. It hurt so bad. He could feel his neckbrace tightening around his throat. Tighter and tighter and Josh needed to leave right now before it broke through the frame! He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t breathe and it was hot and it hurt and he needed Josh to leave! 

But Josh stayed. He was looking on. Scanning. Scanning for broken parts, most likely. Because obviously a broken being would have broken parts. Everything about him was broken, and broken things needed to be removed, and replaced. All of him would be removed, piece by piece, and then, once there was nothing left, he would be replaced. His lips were moving his stupid broken silent plea, but worst of all, he found his mind holding back a new plea of its own. Each beat of his thirium pump was begging to be left alone to die. He didn’t want to die alone, but he didn’t want to die by the hands again. Even a gun would be preferable to--

‘...p-please… please don’t… I-I can be better! I can be better, I promise, just don’t--‘

Simon felt something shift in the eyes. They were coming closer now. Josh was coming closer. Fuck! Had he messaged the thought?!? No no no no! He couldn’t handle the pain again! And--and--and there wasn’t even any threat this time. The threat was his own weakness making deviantkind more susceptible to future threats. Because he wasn’t worth the trouble it took to keep him alive. He couldn’t do this! 


	95. Gratitude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh wakes Markus

“Markus…? I see what you meant earlier… Markus, get up! Wake up, Simon needs help!”

Markus blinked the sleep from his eyes, confused to find himself somehow on the couch. There was Josh… He said Simon… Simon was lying next to him, limp and shaking, staring into space like the face of death. Markus turned Simon to face him instead. 

“What’s wrong, love…? What’s got you so worked up…?”

‘I-I-I said--Because his eyes-- He didn’t say it, but I know he-- That I can’t live! I-I shouldn’t want, but I can’t take it! A-at least deactivate me before-- Except I don’t want to be replaced- - And I know it’s not fair, but I-I want… I want to be remembered, and not lost to the hands!’

Markus pulled Simon in close, running his good hand soothingly down his back. Simon wasn’t making much sense, but it was clear he was pretty shaken up over something, and before Markus could figure out what, he’d need to try to help cut through the panic... Making sure Simon was physically comfortable, he softly shook his head. 

‘Shhh… No… No no no, Si… You’re okay… Nothing is going to hurt you, and you’re staying right here with me. I won’t let you be deactivated, and you could never be replaced. Not only is that fair, it’s a guarantee. I guarantee you’re safe and loved here in my arms… Just breathe, love…’

“What happened, Josh…?” Markus kept his voice low and steady so not to startle Simon. 

“He had North call me over to ask why you were passed out earlier, and he looked unwell, so I told him it was nothing; just a recap of the conversation in his room. He told me he was fine, but he only looked worse, and then he… messaged me something weird… like he didn’t know he was doing it, even… So I woke you. I figured you’d know what to do when he gets like this…” 

‘Is that what happened Si…? He didn’t say anything that upset you…?’

Simon shuddered. He didn’t know how to respond. If he were to lie and answer affirmatively, they would be easily able to see through him, but if he were to tell the truth… then they’d know he was so easily set off over literally nothing. Fragile and useless, and--

‘I-I don’t know! I don’t know I don’t know I don’t--‘

‘Shhh…. Shhhh…. Easy, Simon, that’s okay… I can imagine you’d be freaked out just asking about this. I’m sorry I fell asleep before I could let you know what happened…’

‘I-I’m still afraid! Why am I still afraid? I-I shouldn’t be, and I know I shouldn’t be, but I could feel the eyes, and something’s wrong with me. I could feel the hands this time, too, and it became too tight and I couldn’t breathe and what if I never become normal again? What if I never get better and I’m like this forever!’

‘You are normal. You’re just still not feeling 100% yet. And I don’t even think I need to explain why… But just give it more than one day out of the repair center, and I promise, you’ll feel better with time as you remember that not everything is going to hurt you…’

‘B-but if I don’t get better…? If I don’t then you’ll at least deactivate me before you let them take me apart, right…? I-I keep asking, but you never say! Y-you’d tell me if you’d let them take me apart, right…?’

‘I’ll do you one better, Si. I’ll tell you now that I’m not letting anyone take you apart. Even if you spent the rest of your life a bit more on edge, I wouldn’t let anyone hurt you or take your from me… Do you think you can try to remember that…? I know it’s hard, but could you try…?’

‘...I hate my life…’

‘Well then I guess I’ll just have to love it enough for the both of us…’

Three clicks, and Simon fought his stress response to cling to Markus, as he tried to summon the courage he’d need. 

“I...I’m sorry… I didn’t mean--I just… I’m scared… A lot… I… I don’t want… I don’t want to… for bad things to happen if I can’t stop being scared… Because I don’t know if I can… stop being scared, I mean…”

“That’s… um… that’s okay… It’s not rational, but… It’s okay to feel. That’s kind of our thing here, I guess… But just so you know, nothing bad will happen just because you’re afraid…” Josh offered. 

“...r-right… I… I know that… It wouldn't be _just_ because I'm afraid... It would be because I’m afraid and that makes Jericho all weaker, and then someone else could come and--“

Two clicks. 

"No, no, Simon. That's not what he meant!"

Markus glared daggers at Josh, genuinely taken aback by his audacity to seem so confused by Simon's reaction. 

"Just. You said _just_ because he's afraid. That's qualifying the statement. Nobody is going to get hurt at all. Period. No just or only ifs or buts. Period. That's it. Words are important, Josh."

"But qualifications are the only way to be clear in your speech and ensure you don't unintentionally provide misinfor--"

"Josh!" Markus practically growled to cut him off. 

"I just thought fear is broken down by trust, and trust is rooted in honesty, so--"

"I am being honest. There are some things that honestly need no qualification. They are definites. Definite lines that won't be crossed. We've been through this."

"But even you acknowledge that sometimes discomfort is unavoidable"

Markus sighed. He did say that, but he didn't mean for Josh to phrase it like that…

"I… don’t even know where to begin with this… Yes. Sometimes discomfort is unavoidable. But that’s not what this is even remotely about, and in this context, the perceived implications of such a qualification are so wildly inaccurate that it does more harm than good to even bring that up. When I agreed that causing someone pain can sometimes be unavoidable, I meant in the sense of physical pain emergency repair work where no alternatives are possible, and only if it’s absolutely vital for survival, in which case you would also do everything within your power to mitigate that pain. You know what I meant, Josh; I know you do.”

‘I’ll show you what happened as soon as he leaves, Si. Then maybe you’ll understand, okay?’

Simon flinched at the underserved kindness. 

‘...o-okay… I’m sorry… I’ll try… to be better I mean… I-I think I just need… Just a minute… please…?’

‘You don’t need to be better, love… Just try to relax. It’s okay…’

Josh let Markus and Simon exchange messages for a moment, before attempting to make his leave.

“Right… That makes sense… Well, now that you’re up, I’m assuming you can take care of any further explanation...? Let me know if you need anything…”

Simon held his breath as he could hear Josh’s footsteps growing further away. Nothing bad had happened. He was in Markus’ arms, and he hadn’t learned anything so awful at all. He shouldn’t feel so afraid. But his thirium pump still nearly jumped out of his chest as Markus pushed him away so their eyes could meet as he spoke. 

“You okay there, Si…? What was that all about…?”

‘I-I was… afraid… You were in sleep mode and North said you spoke with Josh and I thought something bad and I got scared… S-so I had North call for Josh, but he… He looked at me, and I felt like… Like his eyes, and then… Then I would be… I’m afraid… Can I be--Can you-- Do you know how to make me better?’

“You’re perfect the way you are. You just need to start to calm down. Would you like to just go to bed now, and see if things are a bit easier in the morning?”

‘You… you don’t understand… I felt his eyes… Again… I was just starting to feel normal… Like I was almost myself again, but it was so hard! I’ve been fighting so hard, and I’m tired, and now I have to… I-I have more to do than ever before. I mean, I’m more afraid than ever before! And now I need to learn to be less afraid again because the world is so fucking scary, but I’m too tired, and I’m not strong enough, and I just… I can’t, Markus… What do I do if I can’t?’

“You can, Si. I know you can. It’ll take a little more time, and a little more effort, but I swear, it’ll get easier. You’re okay… And I’m here… So whatever you can’t do for now, you’ve got me to help with… Today’s been a lot… Let’s just get some rest. These are all worries about the future, and by that logic, they’re worries for the future. Not now. Now is fine. Now is calm. Now is you and me resting together. Your stress level’s already going down. Do you think you can walk back with me…?”

Simon willed himself to rise from the couch with three clicks. 

“...thank you…”

Markus took his hand and smiled. 

“Thank you… For coming back home with me, I mean… You can’t thank me for anything I do, because you came back home. And that’s more important than anything I could ever do for you…”

Simon brought their enjoined hands in toward his chest, pulling Markus closer, in turn. Even if he didn’t really believe it, a small part of him did feel wanted, hearing Markus speak like that. He wanted to bathe in the feeling, as if somehow it could wash away his… Was there even a noun in the English language to describe the way he was…? At this point, he was beginning to think that brokenness wasn’t strong enough. Although he wasn’t strong enough either. So maybe it was fitting after all…

“Your chamber awaits…”

Markus pulled away to lead Simon into bed, practically rolling him into the blankets, until their bodies were pressed close together. 

“Nicer than what they had at Center, right?”

“They don’t have you at the Center…”

Simon cuddled closer into Markus, pressing his arms up against his chest. Hand were the most sensitive part in deviants as in humans. And he loved feeling Markus as much as he could. His hands always hungered for Markus’ touch, and nothing helped him sleep better than drinking in the feel of his frame beside him. So naturally, it was only a matter of time before he found himself comfortably entering sleep mode. 


	96. Seeing-Eye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon can’t sleep.

> _ When Simon woke up, he knew something was wrong. He felt the blankets around him, and he felt Markus’ body against his own, but he felt something else too, something intangible. The unmistakable feel of eyes on him. Not exactly like being watched. Like being digested. In every eye, there was a stomach, breaking down the target of its gaze with catabolic enzymes and acid, before roughly squeezing the resulting mess to the mind, which filtered out what was to be absorbed and catalogued as “useful” and what was to be cast out, “shit”. He could feel himself being digested, broken down and torn apart and designated for removal. He wasn’t useful. He wasn’t good. And these eyes knew that. Just the fact that he couldn’t bring himself to sit up and return their gaze was proof enough that he was a worthless piece of shit.  _
> 
> _ Hoping to save whatever he could of himself, Simon finally forced his eyes open. North and Josh and Connor and Nines. They all were staring down at him, unblinking. But blinking was necessary, wasn’t it? He didn’t think he had ever gone more than a second or two without blinking, so he’d always assumed no one else could go longer either. Maybe that was why their eyes seemed slippery. They seemed to be creeping forward, until all at once, four sets of eyes fell straight out of four sets of eye sockets. But none of them seemed to flinch as the fallen eyes seemed to snake their way towards Simon’s bed, trailing the remnants of the optic wiring like tails behind them. New eyes quickly took their place, only to fall and be replaced by another set of eyes. It was like an endless flow of eyes from the familiar faces, and the eyes were getting closer. Too close.  _
> 
> _ Simon couldn’t fight his stress response to flee, or to keep his mouth shut as the familiar words formed on his lips. The moment he opened his mouth, the first round of eyes practically flew down his throat, suffocating him, and stifling the pitiful cry. But he couldn’t breathe. Tears formed in his eyes as more eyes kept coming, choking him, still creeping their way further down to his core, piling onto one another to take up as much space as possible, still trying to wriggle further all the while. He couldn’t scream for help, and he couldn’t do anything as more eyes filled his body, and more tears fell from his own eyes. He didn’t know what they’d do once he had no room left for the eyes to bury themselves.  _
> 
> _ But that issue became secondary, as he realized, to his horror, that some of the eyes still approaching him were shifting, deformed and bulbous. Growths protruded from the iris and scleras, projections that seemed amorphous at first, before becoming more clearly purposeful. The growths contorted into articulated projections, collectively forming ocular hands, which then used their newly formed fingers to crawl at him faster. The eye-hands itched as they crawled against his skin to tear off his shirt, before digging their way through his chest panel, until, as a collective, several managed to pry it out. The hands scattered into his abdominal cavity, pressing against every thirium line and biocomponent, until one found its way to his thirium pump, and took hold. And once it took hold, it took hold. Tighter and tighter and tighter, forming cracks in the plexiglass casing, until finally, all at once, the biocomponent burst. He had just enough time to see his thirium, splatter across the walls of his bedroom, and begin to pool in his now-empty abdominal cavity, before his body shut down, too soon for a timer to even appear.  _

Simon could feel the thirium pumping in his abdominal cavity, hollow and wrong. Except… It wasn’t. His chest felt hollow, but his thirium was in his thirium pump, where it belonged. Only it was going to fast, and he was sweaty and shaking, and fuck, he had felt it all, but how was he still alive?!? His throat still felt full, but no one else was there except Markus sleeping peacefully at his side. And before he could stop himself, he was screaming. Shouting as loud as his borrowed voice box could manage, louder than that, even, until his screams distorted into a staticky mess that caused him genuine pain. 

“Simon, what’s wrong? Are you alright?”

Markus was laying him back down on the bed, gentle mismatched eyes, not digesting him, but reviewing him, a selfless noninvasive procedure with no hint of ill intent. Simon found himself in tears, as he realized he couldn’t answer either question, himself.

‘I...I don’t know… hurts…’

“What’s happening?!? Who’s screaming?!?” 

Simon let out two clicks, and buried his face in Markus’ shoulder to hide from North’s eyes as she ran into the room. He cried grateful tears as Markus pulled him in closer, providing another safeguard to keep him fixed to his protector. 

“It’s Simon. I think he just had a night terror. Everything’s fine, North… Sorry to bother you…”

“Markus what--“

“Simon just lost his shit What the fuck is that? Did you expect to come in here and defend them with a screwdriver?”

Josh lowered the tool in his hand, and shook his head.

“I was just working when I heard someone yell. I didn’t think to drop my tools; I just came straight…”

‘...p-please make them leave… please…? d-d-don’t let their eyes get me! I-I can’t let them get me! please, Markus, I can’t--‘

“Everything’s fine here. You two can go back to your rooms. Sorry for the disruption. I think we all could just use some peace and quiet…”

Josh nodded back, looking to North, who wordlessly shoved past him, eager to get back to her own room.

“Before I go… Can you please look into where she’s hiding all these weapons…? I have no idea what that thing even does, but you just know it’s something awful!”

“Yes, Josh. I told you before, I’ll take care of it. But for now, everything’s fine…”

“Fair enough… I’ll see you in the morning…”

Simon didn’t remove himself from Markus’ protective embrace, even after he heard Josh close the door behind him. He was scared, and everything felt wrong. Thankfully, Markus just held him. Once again, Markus was holding him together. 

“Feeling any better yet, love…?”

‘I...I don’t know… still hollow… and hard to breathe… And now my throat hurts… from screaming, I think, but… I don’t know… They…. they came in here… And they were looking at me… I don’t want them to look at me...’

“It was another one of those nightmares again…? Well, at least then you know the worst is over. You woke up, and you’re safe, so--“

‘...n-no… Because… Because I could feel it this time.. Can still feel it… And the eyes changed… They changed and they hurt me… They kept coming and they hurt me, and I think I died, but not before I couldn’t breathe, and--and no one even said anything. The eyes became hands and did all the work in silence, and--‘

“Shhh…. breathe, Si… It doesn’t matter what they did in the dream. They’re not real. None of that was real… What you’re feeling right now is all in your head. Well, except maybe the strained voice from screaming… Did you wake yourself up screaming…? I know that’s never a pleasant way to start the day…”

‘I...I don’t think so… I… knew I was awake… I just… I had to scream… I had to make sure that I could… I couldn’t think… Except that maybe I physically couldn’t, and I needed to, so I couldn't think about… Shit, Markus, you--you don’t think-- I-I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep anymore; It’s not safe! D-don’t let me sleep. Make sure I’m always awake, or--or--‘

“Simon, dreams can be scary, but you know they can’t hurt you…”

‘Dreams can’t hurt me, but they can get me hurt. I-I-I’m going to get hurt! You can tell me nice things and try to make me feel better, but I’m going to get hurt because I’m weak and I can’t handle my dreams and I-I-I… it already hurts… Nobody touched me but it already hurts…’

“Nobody is going to hurt you, Si…”

‘...b-but I couldn’t stop myself… And I woke them-- they saw!’

“They did see. And that’s fine. You’re allowed to feel. No one is upset with you. We’re all just going to go back to sleep, and that will be the end of it… I promise, love…”

Simon knew he couldn’t win this one. Markus didn’t get it. He was too trusting, too sure. He couldn’t go so long without falling back on his belief that everything was simple; that good people couldn’t ever be driven to do bad things. Except bad was subjective. Bad things done to him were often good for everyone else. Even if he didn’t like it. Even if Markus didn’t see it that way. But good people could hurt their friends all the same. And somehow, pain inflicted by a friend was infinitely worse than that inflicted by a foe. Simon knew that too well. He was closely acquainted with both by now, so he knew which one hurt the most. 

“Why don’t you just rest with me…? And if something upsets you, you wake me... ? No need to panic, or scream, or face things on your own… You can wake me and we can talk it out… Does that sound alright…?”

‘...okay…’


	97. Can’t Sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon realizes that logistically, he legitimately can’t sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slight reference to the saw-trap thing from SUOP again. Markus goes to North, assuming she took Simon because she took him for the trap in his sleep while Markus was out of the room. So he has reason to believe Simon’s gone because North kidnapped him (again)

Markus was trying his best, and his intentions were nothing but kind, so Simon couldn’t fault him for his naivety. Of course, kind intentions would seldom last, so he knew he couldn’t risk waking Markus for the same reason he couldn’t wake the others. Fuck, that was a terrible thought! He was terrible! Why did he have to be so fucking awful all the fucking time?!? Markus pulled Simon close, trying to help him relax into the bed, but the embrace only amplified the guilt that had been making his servos coil under his frame. As it loosened, Simon realized that Markus must have entered sleep mode again. Of course. He couldn’t expect Markus to stay awake with him forever, but now he was alone. He was alone and… tired… He was still recovering, and the process of adjusting to his repairs made everything so much more energetically draining. He kept needing to manually override his body’s request to enter sleep mode, but he knew if he kept it up he’d never heal. And if he never healed, he’d be completely useless. He’d be a burden, eventually scrapped and forgotten. But if he let himself sleep, especially while Markus was also sleeping, unable to protect him, then he might get himself scrapped sooner, torn apart again and again while he was still alive because the fact was, although four months had passed, he’d never truly healed from before he made his way back to New Jericho. His body wasn’t broken. He was broken. So there was no way he could ever truly be safe. 

Safe. He’d only ever been safe when he was in hiding. Underground in Jericho, nothing had hurt him. He wasn’t afraid. He was stronger and better. He could actually do things there, and he wasn’t… however he was now. Slowly, he crept out from under Markus’ arm, careful not to wake him. He could keep himself safe. And he wouldn’t burden Markus to help him. He would get better, and be stronger, and actually useful to deviantkind. He just needed to figure out how. Simon tried to step as lightly as possible, so as to minimize the sound of his footsteps as he scoured the room to identify his options. The closet was gone. He’d broken that. Most of the drawers were too small, or already occupied with random stuff… And he didn’t want to stray from his room. Eyeing the bed, he concluded that it was his best option. Not perfect, by any means, but probably doable. He got to his knees and laid himself flat on the ground, his face pressed up against the plush carpet. Dragging himself forward, Simon could feel the wooden bedframe scratch against the top of his head, and hoped he wouldn’t break his neck again like this; there was no way he could possibly explain such a reinjury to the others. But it didn’t seem to hurt much until he managed to bump his forehead against the wall, having successfully managed to fit himself completely under the bed. It was claustrophobic and uncomfortable, but he would get used to it eventually. Because it was safe, and he could sleep. And right now, that was all he needed. 

Markus woke about an hour before noon, confused to find himself at home in Simon’s bed, even moreso to find that Simon wasn’t cuddled up close at his side. He quickly remembered how he’d gotten here, but that only made Simon’s absence all the more peculiar. He hadn’t expected Simon to wake up before him, especially not with all he’d been through lately. And Simon never got out of bed until Markus had woken up unless he was heading for work. Even if he woke up first, he’d just lie there and enjoy the cozy feeling of warm blankets and warm hugs. But Simon hadn’t kissed Markus goodbye, and Markus didn’t think he was well enough to go back to work quite yet. What if Simon was hurt? Alone, and afraid, or worse… What if he-- Markus couldn’t shake the image of Simon drenched in thirium, torn to pieces. Pieces. Fuck! She wouldn’t have. Surely she knew better now. There was no way… Still, Markus found his artificial skin crawl at the prospect, and couldn’t fight back the nagging suspicion that…

‘North! Where is Simon?’

‘Have you checked your pants? I think he’s been trying to get into them for a while now…’

‘It’s not funny, North! I swear to RA9! What did you-- He’s not in our bed… He’s not in our room at all… Do you know where he might be…?’

‘How the fuck should I know? Am I your boyfriend’s keeper?’ 

‘North, seriously! I’m not playing games! I need to know! He needs his rest. He’s still healing, and I know he can’t handle if--‘

‘Wait, do you think I took him?!? Markus, I have literally no idea where Simon is. I might have done some rash things in the past, but I’m not a fucking monster! Wherever he is, it’s got nothing to do with me. Besides, the only reason I set up that trap for him before the conference was in the hopes it’d make him stronger. I don’t need him to be strong right now. It’s not going to hurt anyone for him to be a mess now. No one needs to see him like this any time soon…’

‘Okay… No… No, that’s just awful! That’s not a reason not to kidnap someone and subject them to horror-movie style torture. You don’t torture people because that shit hurts people, and that’s fucked up! And he doesn’t need to be anything, but I would think you’d prefer your friends to be of sound mental health for their own sake, independent of whoever is around to see them… Fuck, North… But… I… I get it… you haven’t seen him… Let me know if you do… I’m going to see if he’s around…’

‘Whatever…’

Markus frowned. That was pointless, and Simon was still gone. 

‘Si, are you around…? I woke up, and you weren’t there…’

No response. Markus would have to find Simon on his own. But the more of the building he searched, the less certain he became that Simon was even there. 

‘Hi Kara, have you seen Simon…? When I woke up, he wasn’t there… Did he go into work today…?’

‘No… I haven’t seen him, and he hasn’t checked in here… I’m sure he’s fine wherever he is, though. Maybe he went out to the park for some fresh air… He had spent a while inside at the Center…’

‘...maybe… Thanks, Kara…’

‘No problem. Let me know when you find him, or if you need anything else…’

Markus felt sick. Simon wouldn’t have gone to the park. Even before the incident with Nines, Simon still hadn’t adjusted well enough to feel comfortable in public spaces yet. When they went out, he couldn’t keep himself from clinging to Markus’ side, and would often have to retreat for a time out somewhere more quiet where he could work himself down before returning to whatever they were doing. But maybe he had left New Jericho to hide somewhere else. He’d hid in the closet last night, when he thought he was trapped and under possible threat. He clearly didn’t feel safe here, and it wasn’t like he intended to spend the rest of his life in the closet… But was he so afraid that he wouldn't have told Markus he was leaving? No, he would’ve at least said goodbye… Surely he would’ve… Except Markus knew that wasn’t true. It hurt to admit, but he hadn’t earned that trust yet. Now he might never get to. But he still had to find Simon. Just to make sure he was okay. 

He was on the verge of calling the police, holding back only because the idea of the police looking for him might only scare Simon further into hiding if he really had tried to run away. So Markus just turned over New Jericho. Twice more, he checked everywhere he could think of. The second time around, Josh noticed, and started an informal search party, against Markus’ wishes. But there wasn’t a trace of Simon leaving the room by any means on any surveillance cameras around the building. Markus was growing desperate, furious with his own ineptitude that he had somehow managed to lose his boyfriend literally from right within his arms. Simon could be hurt because he was so stupid that he could lose his own boyfriend sleeping right next to him!

‘...m-Markus… Are you awake…? I… It’s embarrassing, but… if you’re not busy--like it’s not a rush, so don’t worry, but… I kinda need some help…’

Markus’ thirium pump stuttered in his chest. 

‘Simon! I was so worried! Where are you? I’m coming!’

‘...no need to worry… I-I’m sorry to bother you… I’m… in our room… could you come alone…? And close the door…? I… I don’t want the others to…’

‘I’m coming, Si. It’s not a bother. I just woke up, and I couldn’t find you, and I was afraid something had happened, and… Simon, where are you…? I still don’t see you…’

Two clicks came from nearby. 

“I… I’m down here… I’m… kinda stuck…”

Now Markus could pinpoint the location of the sound. He approached the bed, and knelt down to the floor.

“Simon…? How did you manage to get down there…?”

Simon had been an active sleeper for at least as long as they’d been sharing a bed, but he’d never managed to find his way under the bed entirely. 

“I… I crawled… But I can’t get out… I think I’m stuck on a spring, but I don’t have enough room to move to unhook myself… C-could you carefully lift the bed, just a bit, so I can try to get out…? Just enough for me to get my arms a bit free…?”

“Yeah… On the count of three, I’ll get it off you, okay…? One… Two…”

Simon never heard the three. He locked his jaw shut as he was flung onto his back, almost entirely airborne if not for the notch of his neckbrace caught on a loose coil of the lower bedframe. His jaw was locked. He wouldn’t scream. He was choking, but he wouldn’t scream. He would be good. He--he wouldn’t let Markus get hurt because he--

“Shit! Look at me, Si! You’re okay… Are you here…? Can you hear me…?”

Markus was looking down at him. So he summoned the strength to fight his stress response to cover his mouth with his hands. 

‘I-I didn’t scream… So… so you don’t have to… Because if you… I can’t… Not if you did… B-but I did it, Markus! Y-you--you saw I--’

Markus raised his hands slowly in front of Simon, palms open clear within his line of view. 

“Shhhh… I know you didn’t… But even if you did scream, I would never hurt you… I didn’t realize you were literally fixed to the bed. I’m sorry. That must have been pretty scary… But you’re okay now. I think it’s the back of your neck… Can I unlatch you, so you can get up…? It shouldn’t hurt…”

Simon didn’t respond. He just closed his eyes. It would be easier if he couldn’t see this time. He could pretend it wasn’t Markus that way… And then it might not hurt as much when-- when nothing…? He could feel his posture relax slightly as Markus had somehow unhooked him. That was awful… But it was over… Markus had helped him get unstuck… 

“Let’s get you off of the floor? Need a hand, Si…?”

Shakily, Simon reached out to Markus in silent agreement, allowing himself to be pulled from the bed. Markus helped Simon into a chair by the vanity, and knelt down before him, glancing over each fresh scrape across his artificial skin, presumably from having unsuccessfully tried to wriggle out from under the bed on his own. 

“How did you get there…?”

Simon looked down to his feet. 

“...I crawled…”

“W-well, yes, but when…? And why…?”

“...after you fell asleep again… you were asleep… so you couldn’t keep watch… and I could feel myself falling asleep too, but… I-I I told you I can’t sleep… Because someone could find me, and-- So I hid… I didn’t want to bother you, and I needed to sleep, but no one can hurt me if they can’t find me… So I crawled under the bed to hide, just until I woke up… sometimes… sometimes hiding is nice… it’s nice to feel safe… I’m sorry for worrying you…”

“Simon…”

Simon couldn’t bear to look at him. 

“I-I know I can’t be scared, and I know I said I would be stronger, but I can’t do anything if I can’t sleep, and I-I can’t sleep if I’m afraid that… S-so I can be better, but I just… I just need to sleep sometimes… I’m sorry, but--”

“Simon… No one is going to hurt you. You have every right to be scared, and every right to make yourself comfortable, but… Why don’t we make a compromise…? You obviously can sleep wherever you feel most comfortable, but could you please at least let me know where you’ll be sleeping…? I won’t tell anyone else, but I just like to know where you are so that I don’t wake up not knowing if you’re okay…’’

“I… I can tell you… B-but don't tell anyone else… I don’t think I’m sleeping under the bed again… That was bad… But I don’t know where I’ll sleep tonight… I-I’ll see, I guess… I… didn’t like that… Being stuck…”

Markus kissed Simon’s forehead.

“Well, I didn’t like it either. So I guess we’re even. What would you like to do today, love…? Josh wanted us to meet to discuss next week’s conference in DC, but I told him that I wasn’t doing anything until I knew you were okay…”

“They… they were looking for me…?”

“I… thought North might have taken you again… Because that’s how it happened last time… So I asked her where you were first… Then Josh saw me searching, and they’ve been going through security footage for about an hour now… We don’t need to tell them where you were… But that’s beside the point. What do you want to do today…?”

“The DC meeting... I… forgot about that… We should talk about that… B-because we have more to say now… More to ask… And… that’s important… We don’t have time to waste…”

“Si, it’s not wasting time if you still need a while to recover…”

“No… no… I-I want to be productive… I don’t like doing nothing… And you need to talk this through with everyone, and I… I don’t want… I mean, I would like to be there too…”

The fact was, Simon was afraid to let Markus too far away from his side, but he also knew how important this was. The world couldn’t stop and go at his leisure. 


	98. Dust Bunnies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Markus prepare to meet the others.

“Alright… Well, then, let’s at least get you cleaned up first… You’ve nicked yourself on the bed and your hair’s covered in little dust bunnies…”

Markus ran his hands through Simon’s hair, both to shake out the dust, and also to mess it up a little from its typical neatly combed style. Simon valued making a good impression with his appearance, and Markus respected that, but Markus was just a man, occasionally self-indulgent like any other. And the look of Simon’s hair standing up imperfectly, teased up just so… Well, that was a treat to which he wouldn’t always deny himself… 

“Markus!”

“What? I know you can do your own hair, but it’s so much more fun like that!”

Simon found himself blushing as he took a small cloth to wipe away the wet thirium from the cuts along his arms and chest. Unzipping his hoodie, he put on a button-down shirt, leaving the top few buttons open to accommodate his neckbrace. Before he could see how he looked in the mirror, Markus stepped in and adjusted his collar with a kiss. 

“You look great. So hot, I’m literally melting!”

“If it’s too hot for you, why don’t you lose the shirt…?”

Markus laughed, and slowly pulled his shirt up and over his head, casually letting it drop to the ground below him. Seeing Simon’s jaw drop, his smile only grew. 

“You’re right. That was a good idea. I think I’m feeling much better. What do you think…?”

Simon was too awestruck to respond. Disappointed, Markus retrieved his shirt, and put it back on, playfully jabbing Simon’s chest. 

“I guess we can save the real fun for after the meeting…”

Simon’s face burned blue, as he shook off his enchantment. 

“Y-yeah… Sorry… You’re just-- I always forget how-- just wow…”

“Dude, we’ve been dating for three months now… How do you still blue-screen every other time you catch me shirtless…?

“Because you’re hot!”

“Which is why you told me to lose the shirt!”

Both androids couldn’t hold back the laughter at that point. Besides, it felt good to laugh. Oddly enough, they found themselves laughing even harder as they got to the living room, as if somehow the exchange became funnier once it was a secret for others not to know.

“You two okay in the head? Like what the fuck’s so funny?”

Oh. Simon hadn’t even noticed North had already been sitting up against the couch. 

“Nothing much. Just how easily flustered he gets… It’s too cute!”

North rolled her eyes. 

“Y’know, I almost forgot how sappy you could be while you were away. Can’t say I missed it. Wherefore art thou Romeo?”

“Why is that even a question? If you’re asking someone where they are, then you already know…”

“Read a book, Simon! Wherefore means why, not where? Old timey talk. In this case, why is your boyfriend such a hopeless romantic…?”

Simon smiled, turning to North. 

“Because he’s wonderf… He’s… I-I mean…” Simon cut himself off as he noticed the danger… He couldn’t understand why she would--

“Simon are you okay…? What’s wrong…?”

He couldn’t say… He was afraid of what she’d do if he said. She’d get ma at him for ratting her out, and then she might actually use the--

“Markus, would you please make her take the knives out of her hair?”

Josh didn’t even look angry, just tired. Simon closed his eyes, bracing for a fight. This was going to go badly. He didn’t want to deal with this right now. He knew he wouldn’t be able to handle this yet. But he needed to prove he was strong enough. Even though he knew he wasn’t. He--

“North…”

Markus’ voice was soft, oddly gentle given the circumstances. 

“What? It’s called fashion…”

“...I understand it might make you feel… fashionable, but it makes everyone else feel unsafe… Your bun would look fine without the lethal accessories adding to the aesthetic…”

His eyes had a glint of something in them that Simon could only recognize as compassion. Simon wished he could be like that. So strong and kind, and… not afraid… He might have been like that before, but… North glanced at Markus, then at her hands, before removing the twin knives from her braided bun, and placing them onto the coffee table. 

“Fine… It’s not like I needed them anyway…”

Markus nodded approvingly. He should have expected that. He hadn’t thought about it, but when they were fighting Nines, he had grabbed North by the braid, and practically dangled her above the ground. There was fear in her eyes, he could see it. Now that she was out of her room, she was only trying to make sure that couldn’t happen again. Everyone was trying to cope… It was just… bad… 


	99. More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon hadn’t been prepared for the possibility.

“So… about that CyberLife meeting… We have six days now… But the game has changed… How are we going to address this…? What’s our strategy…?” 

“You mean Nines…? I’m sure they already know… I mean, they clearly couldn’t have found anything in the rubble, but since there hadn’t been a spike in deviant-related… issues, it's clear something must have happened to him. If anything, they’ll probably be relieved that we haven’t already gone public with what we know… So, yeah, what we did was technically off the books, but they can’t complain…”

“That’s not the issue, Markus…”

Markus tensed. 

“I don’t think we need… I mean, I think we can--“

Josh glanced over at Simon, and sighed, understanding. 

“You’re protecting him. But we need to address it. We know Nines exists, but are there any more? We can’t put off discussing this, because we need to know how to make sure. Even if they say he’s the only one, there could be more. He had combat programming. They could be preparing an army, but we only found the one…”

Simon’s eyes widened. He… hadn’t had time to think about that… An army of them… An army of humans was bad enough, but… An army of military-grade androids, unfeeling, cold, with only the intentions of completing their objective--their objective of eradicating deviancy… They would need to grab whoever they could and go into hiding again. Only the strong would survive, and only the strongest would be able to go out and save those in need. But that meant only the strongest could decide who they deemed worthy of saving. And Simon knew damaged androids wouldn’t make the cut. He hadn’t thought of that about Jericho before. When they were underground… Only the strongest could even make it to Jericho. Too many were too weak to get there alone, left to fend for themselves until they shut down, unmourned. Even hiding didn’t work for those who weren’t strong enough to hide. This time, he wasn’t strong enough to hide. 

A bullet wound could leak thirium, but it didn’t even take that anymore… His stress response alone could cause him to trail the stuff as it poured from his joints, and he wouldn’t be in a condition to run, let alone to defend himself. Plus he wasn’t going to let Markus get hurt again trying to fight his battles. He saw how scared Markus had been at the Center. The damage to his arm had shaken him, and Simon wouldn’t let that happen again. And there was no doubt a battle would be inevitable; New Jericho would be the first target. An invisible hand clenched around his throat, cutting off the eyes from entering his airway. They built up in his mouth, until they overflowed. Thirium squeezed from between the cracks, and he hated the taste. It was too much. He was dying, and he could feel the gunshots, and--

“Simon! Simon, look at me! Breathe! Fuck! I thought this was a bad idea… Simon, look at me, love… Please…”

“Where the fuck is the thirium even coming from?” 

“I don’t know; My scans don’t show any structural damage…”

Simon heard his name in Markus’ voice. Markus always spoke his name. Markus and the faceless voices. But the others spoke of him. Never to him. Each time he was referred to like he wasn’t in the room was another hand trying to force the eyes down past the chokehold the hand had against his throat. 

‘Come on, Si! I need you to breathe…. Calm down… You’re okay, I promise…’

Choking on thirium was somehow different than gagging on thirium. Thirium squeezing up vs. thirium flooding down. Thirium flooding down was bad. Swallowing back the bleeding with a jaw, broken and trembling until all at once, it stopped. But thirium creeping up… It was unnatural, against gravity, wrong. There was no hope of swallowing, no control before it all turned to black. Everything had a mind of its own except him, and every mindful thing was working against him. The thirium was pulsing so slowly. He always forgot how thick it could be until he felt it in large amounts. It was building up in the back of his throat, and he knew it would get stuck there, building up until it forced its way into his eyes, filling them until they popped right out, joining the rest of the eyes as they increased the pressure of the thirium still rising mercilessly until he finally shut down. Only he couldn’t see the timer. He could feel it, but he couldn’t see it. He just knew that he was dying. And it hurt. Dying by the eyes… The eyes had killed him once before…

He remembered dying. He hadn’t died when he had pulled the trigger at Stratford. He hadn’t pulled the trigger at Stratford. He just didn’t know it then. But when the others had jumped, they’d left their eyes behind. Their eyes multiplied at a dangerous rate, slithering their way to the entry wound on his upper thigh. They were too tight squeezed between the synthetic muscle fibers, but that tightness was actually mild compared to the feeling once the eyes had found their way into his thirium lines. One after another after another, the eyes stopped the flow of thirium, pulsing and pulling him apart in ways he hadn’t known were possible as they found their way to his thirium pump. Once they reached it, his thirium pump sent them shooting out throughout his body, until, as Connor was coming his way, they crept up his arm, forcing it to flex, while pulling his head back, until his wrist was made to turn the gun inward, his finger contracting with the pressure of the eyes too big to fit properly within the delicate frame of his hand. The eyes became acid once the trigger was pulled, so the thirium burned as it flowed out his jaw. Why did eyes become acid? Why did they always hurt?

A cool warmth started to spread into his arm, but the eyes swam against the current. The current fought back. It shot the eyes back at him twice as hard, and he coughed up more thirium, but then the warmth came through again. He didn’t want the warmth! The warmth was beginning to melt the eyes! They bubbled under his frame, and the bubbling burned, sizzling and snapping the familiar acid until it ate away at the insulation of his wiring. And the warmth kept going, until the eyes seemed to explode. They exploded from all over, his own eyes melting, as the hand around his throat released him, perhaps in an attempt to retreat from the blast. Gasping for breath, he could feel his entire self melting. But a cool hand seemed impervious to the corrosion. It tried to wipe the molten frame from the layers underneath in an attempt to salvage what it could. The hand was good. So good… Maybe it could save enough of his broken form for him to survive. 

“That’s it, Si… just like that… There we go… Here… Throw your arm around my shoulders, could you…? Good… good…” 

Simon felt the melting accelerate as the good hand went away. He needed the hand back! He would die without it!

“Shhhh… You’re okay, Si… You’re almost there… You’re walking so well…”

Markus’ voice didn’t make sense, but Simon didn’t care. He didn’t even know if it was real… He just needed the hand back. He could feel his whole body melting. Melting downward. Into something soft. Had the acid burnt through the ground?

“Do you think you can open your eyes now, love…?”

Had his eyes not been open…? He could never tell anymore…

‘...m-markus…?’

“I’m here, Si… I’m here…"

‘...it hurts…’

“I know…”

Markus wiped the mess of thirium from Simon’s chin with the back of his hand. 

“Is there any more thirium, or are you better now…?”

‘I… I think I’m better… no more…’

“Good. You’re breathing nicely again now too… You’re back… You’re better…”

Simon leaned into Markus’ touch as Markus ran his fingers delicately along the side of his face. Soft and light and good. Markus had stopped him from melting. Cool fingers danced around the rim of his led, until they pressed gently and the world turned to black. Markus kissed Simon’s forehead. 

‘Sleep well, love. I’m going to finish the meeting. Please, don’t force yourself to join us; it’s too much right now, and that’s fine. I’ll be back soon. Message me if you need anything and I’m still in the living room when you wake up. I’m only a hallway away.’ 

Markus took one last look at Simon, before turning to leave. He didn’t remember if Simon always slept like that, with his mouth just so slightly open. He looked smaller somehow, and Markus found it difficult to resist the urge to join him there, wrapping his arm around the tender frame to keep away the nightmares and all other unpleasant things. But he knew he couldn’t. He knew he was needed elsewhere, for the moment. So Markus returned to the living room. 

“How’s Simon…? Should we take him back to the Center…?”

Markus sighed, as if to expel the feel of the eyes he’d taken from Simon. It really was disturbing. 

“No… no… He just… Started to panic… And when he panics, his mind becomes… something else… Something physical… He was only trying to breathe. He was doing his best…”

“Yeah, well if ‘doing his best’ is fucking choking on his own thirium, unresponsive, then I think Josh is right. Something’s still not right with him.”

“N-no… It’s nothing technical. He shared it with me accidentally, when I tried to interface in an attempt to break through to him.”

“Wait! So now are you going to start choking like that or--?”

Markus frowned. 

“No! It’s not a fucking virus; it’s not contagious… He’s just… He was scared…”

“So you mean to say that his encounter with Nines triggered another secondary stress response…?”

“Not exactly… He just lost himself. It happens. He’ll be fine. He just needs some time to calm down. And we need to show him patience until he starts to feel more comfortable.”

“So then why was he bleeding?”

“Because he forgot he could breathe, Josh. He was able to, and he knew how, but he didn’t know he could… If you try hard enough to breathe wrong, you’re going to wind up hurting yourself. But can we please get back to the subject at hand…?”

Josh looked at North, who only shrugged back. 

“Nines… We need to find out for sure how many of him there are out there. Why was he in the CyberLife tower? Why was he already active? CyberLife has stores all over the country. Are there others hiding out in each one? It would make sense; one final safeguard against deviancy, only to be set loose once each stronghold falls. We can’t be everywhere at once. No buildings are scheduled to be demolished in the near future; the one downtown was only done so as a symbolic display. So we have time to discuss this at the conference, but we need to do this wisely.”

North picked up a knife from the table, running her thumb along the edge of the blade.

“How many CyberLife stores are there anyway? Where’s the nearest one? We shouldn’t expect those corporate assholes to give us information. We should break into the closest store and see for ourselves what’s up! And we’ll go with weapons. Intent to kill. Not talk and deviate. We all know how well that went…”

North motioned towards Markus’ arm, as if to prove her point, and Markus grimaced, taking solace in the humor of the mental image of coughing an eye at her out of spite. If Simon were still here, he just knew North’s gesture would have been in his direction instead. 

“We don’t need to go to kill. Doing some investigating of our own is a good idea, but instead of violence, we’ll just take photo evidence, and leave. There’s no need to engage the RK900s there if they won’t pose an immediate threat. Josh, how many CyberLife stores are there within the state of Michigan? Maybe we can hit up more than one a night until I head out to DC.”

“Good idea. Building a case… There seem to be 8 that have yet to be sold in the state. We could probably knock this out in two nights if we’re strategic about where we go in what order. Assuming everything goes smoothly, that is…”

“Fine, but I’m bringing my sword, and no one gets to complain about how many knives are on my person! Seriously, what are we here, the fucking knife police?”

Markus thought for a moment. 

“Okay. I’ll tell you when to leave today, so be ready for my signal. But regardless of what we find, how do we bring the issue up to CyberLife, and how can we ensure that it plays out to our advantage? Remember, we don’t just want to get them to admit it; we want to make sure they don’t try to create more measures to eradicate deviancy, and we want to make sure President Warren and the other local officials will be willing to prevent them from doing so. Moreover, there’s the issue of breaking the news to the public. I’m personally in favor of doing so, but only if we do find more RK900s, and only so that demolition crews will be aware of the issue to handle it before they take down more CyberLife stores…”

“We just show them the evidence. They won’t be expecting it, so they won’t be prepared with any convincing excuses, and there’s no way to refute something like that, or at least not in a way that President Warren would accept without further investigation. Everyone there would know that this information could set us up for another war, and I don’t think any party involved wants that to happen. As for keeping this a secret unless we have reason not to, I agree; mass-panic is not the solution. Panic in itself can lead to war, and war to needless deaths. We’ve managed to avoid any casualties in handling this issue so far. I would prefer for it to remain that way if possible.”

“Speaking of avoiding casualties, what about Simon? I mean, obviously you’re not going to set him loose on any of the RK900s we find, but if the guy is choking up thirium at just the thought, he’s going to be a fucking wreck if he comes with. And if one does activate, and we need to take it down, or if we get caught trespassing and need to leave, you can throw him over your shoulder and drag him out, but he’ll leave thirium everywhere, a calling card that we were there.”

“Fuck the thirium! You were right on the first part. We’re not bringing Simon for his own wellbeing. I will let you know when he’s asleep, and we’ll leave then. He’s not in a state to come with, and that’s fine. The three of us will go alone. North, you’ll keep watch to make sure we’re not followed or caught on surveillance, and Josh and I will collect evidence. I still have Nines’ programming saved to my central processor, so I have access to the same coding Connor was able to use to disable the doors to get to him. We will get answers, and we will be safe. We just need to be smart. Speaking of being smart, it should go without saying, but based on how things have been as of late, I feel the need to say please, do not tell Simon we’re doing this. I know he’d insist on coming along to help, and it’s not good for him. It’s better he doesn’t know and doesn’t worry. Are we clear…?”

North smirked. 

“Overprotective boyfriend mode: engaged…”

Josh rolled his eyes, but Markus just ignored her, awaiting his affirmation. 

“Yes.”

“Good. I’ve got to prepare in the meantime. Josh, please create a route to maximize the number of stores we can hit in a timespan of four hours. Don’t account for possible combat scenarios. The minute an RK900 engages us, we immobilize it, and return to New Jericho, done for the night. We can’t afford to risk the potential for dealing with other RK900s if we’re not running at full capacity. I don’t want anyone getting hurt. We’re all coming home in one piece. I will not be undermined in that regard this time. We go in, look for evidence, and move on. Understood?”

Josh nodded, preparing to leave for his workshop, and North looked in Markus’ direction, before reaching for her knives. 

“Please be well as you await my call. We should be fine. We’re just being cautious, and we likely won’t find anything after all. Let me know if you need anything, as I prepare on my end. We will handle this…”


	100. If I Don’t Return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus tries to write a letter

Well, that was taken care of, but there was the issue of Simon. Markus resolved to write him a physical letter. That way, he could retrieve the letter if he got back before Simon woke up, he could take the letter so Simon wouldn’t have to worry. Walking back to his room, Markus realized it was more complicated than that. He might not come back. For all he knew, he would be heading to his death tonight. And Simon wouldn’t know. If he were dying… He didn’t want to leave Simon. He didn’t want to go into the nothingness like Simon had described. And he didn’t want to be alone when he did. His arm felt too heavy in his sling. He was actually… scared…? He didn’t want to do this. If he were to die, he didn’t want it to be without one final goodbye. But he had to. Because the only thing worse than dying alone would be dying as Simon died beside him. He needed this letter to be perfect, then. To say everything he’d want to say… Everything he’d want Simon to know if he didn’t come back…

Markus took a few sheets of paper, and the darkest pen he could find. He wanted the ink to be clear, to last a long time, so Simon could trace his fingers along each letter and know he was loved. How could he describe his love and intentions in just words on paper? There weren’t enough words in the world to possibly do his love justice. And his apology for having left without a proper goodbye. Markus suddenly forgot every word he’d ever known. The words were too much, and every word he wrote down felt wrong. He couldn’t manage to finish more than a half a page before crumpling it into a ball and tossing it to the ground below him. The closest he got to finishing a full page was ruined when teardrops fell and smudged the ink. He couldn’t do this when he was crying! Why did he have to be so damn emotional! 

“M-markus…? I…? How did I get here…? I remember…. RK900s… and eyes, and then… you took me here but… You knocked me out…?”

“I needed to finish the meeting, and I didn’t want you to--“

“Markus… You’re crying…?”

Simon got up from the bed to approach Markus, only to feel something crunch under his foot. 

“Did someone upset you…?”

“Simon, wait--“

Markus needed to get Simon’s attention. Because as Simon spoke, he wasn’t looking at Markus. His eyes were cast downward, focused dangerously on the wad of paper beneath him. The urgency in Markus’ request made Simon reflexively quicker to pick up the paper and unfold it to read its contents. 

“‘ _Simon, my love, in case I do not return tonight, I just want you to know…’_ Markus, what is this? Where are you going tonight, and what do you mean you might not return? I… I don’t understand...”

Markus shook his head, pretending not to notice the tears now falling more readily from his eyes.

“It’s nothing, Si. Nothing to worry about…” 

“Nothing to worry about? I wake up to find you tearfully working on what appear to be drafts of a note implying your own impending death, only for you to try and keep it from me, and dismiss it as nothing to worry about! I think I have a right to be fucking terrified! You say you love me… Won’t you share with me what’s going on….?”

“I-I-- Come on, Simon, I promise it’s not like that, just…”

Simon’s face fell, his eyes silently prying for more information.

“Don’t look at me like that! I-I’m thinking, Si! I just… I don’t know what to say...”

“Say what’s going on! You’re scaring me, Markus…”

“I’m… going on a mission tonight… And… it might be dangerous… It might not be, but I can’t know until I get there… I didn’t want you to know, so I’ve been trying to find the words to write you a final goodbye in case…”

“W-what do you mean, a dangerous mission? You can’t say goodbye! I’m not letting you go! Or--or if you’re going to go, I’m coming with you! Yeah, I’ll come too! What are you doing? I’m sure I can find a way to help!”

Simon was trembling, but he stood firm nonetheless. The sight of it tore at Markus’ heart. Markus sat Simon down onto the bed, cursing himself for having let the situation come to this. 

“I… I need you to stay calm for me… There’s a reason I didn’t want you to come…”

“I’m perfectly calm,” Simon lied. “What’s up…?”

“Josh, North, and I are going on a bit of an overnight road trip… Yeah… Come to think of it, that's exactly what it is… Have you ever been on a road trip, Simon?”

“With my human children. But that was just along Lake Michigan, and the kids knew how to swim, so it wasn’t dangerous, even if they were to have fallen in. They just picnicked and played I-Spy under the stars, skipping stones and taking photos. Please tell me that is exactly what you’re doing…?”

“Sort of, actually… Minus the stones and the picnic, yeah… We’re going on a bit of a trip driving around Michigan, playing I-Spy and taking photos. Only the photos are going to be a bit different, and we’re going to hit a few different stops…”

“You mean this is a recon thing…? What are you gaining information ab-- No… Wait… You can’t mean that! Markus, we-- we might not know how many there are, but… But you can’t do this! I… I do believe there are more… A lot more… And… and… and I don’t want… Please, I can’t lose you! Markus, you have to know you can’t do this! You were scared at the Center. I saw that! You’re the one who’s always telling me it’s okay to be afraid. Please, be afraid, now. Just this once. For me. Be afraid, and stay home. You can ask at DC, and we can handle it that way instead. You don’t need to risk your life.”

“Simon, if we just ask, they can hide them. And they can build more, and people might get hurt. You might get hurt. I… can’t lie to you. I am afraid. But I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I tried to preserve my own safety in a way that might put yours or anyone else’s at risk. I won’t let innocent people die if I can prevent it just because I’m afraid… And I know-- I truly know you would make the same choice if it were you…”

Markus slowly raised a hand to Simon’s jaw, tracing his fingers thoughtfully along the jagged blue scars. 

“I don’t care. It’s not my life. It’s yours. And I won’t lose you!”

Simon placed his hand on Markus’, only to retract the skin and begin to interface. Markus didn’t fight it at first, expecting a tender moment. But once the connection had begun, he quickly pulled away, cradling his hand to his chest as if Simon’s touch had burnt it. Simon’s touch hadn’t burnt his hand. It had burnt his mind. Or tried to, at least. Markus pulled away before he got a taste of the heat. Where Markus had refused to be afraid, Simon had tried to make him. 

“I promise I’ll take that another day, but I can’t take it now. I can’t let that influence my decision.”

“But I need you to understand! I… I know that you’re right… but… I can’t let you do this… There has to be another way; we just need to think of it. Because I can’t let that happen to you too! If you’re spotted… If there are more, and they find you… Markus, our people need you. _I_ need you.”

“Simon…”

Markus sat down beside him. 

“I need you too. And right now, I need you to support me. I need you to hear me when I say I love you, and that you are the best thing to ever happen to me. That I don’t want to go, and that I don’t want to even think about leaving you behind. That I’m scared, and I hate this with every fiber of my being, but that I need to go… That if it comes down to it, you’ve gotten on fine without me before, and you’ll be able to move on if I’m gone. You’re wonderful, and there are great things in store for you, with or without me. So please, if you intend to do anything, just… be strong for me… Wait for me to come home, and hold up hope that when you wake up, you’ll find me here…”

Simon didn’t like this. The idea of just sitting back and allowing it to happen… 

“I can’t. I can’t wait around like this knowing that you’re going to leave tonight and put your life at risk… I need to go take my mind off of this… I… I love you too. More than you could ever know. And I will be strong for you. You’ll be okay. Because you have to be. I just… right now I need to try and pretend like this isn’t happening… Like none of this ever happened… I think I might go to work… Pretend like everything’s normal. And that way, you’ll know where to find me. If something goes wrong, I’ll be ready to help in the limited capacity you’ll allow. If it has to be like this… I will be strong for you…” 

Markus smiled, helping Simon up from the bed with a sigh. 

“You’re amazing, love… I’ll see you soon enough… Send Kara and Jared my regards… And maybe see how things went with him and Ralph. It’s cute to see he’s out there trying to find love now too. The world is finding more and more happiness. And I’m so lucky, I get to see all this happiness with you…”

Markus went to kiss Simon’s cheek as he headed out to catch an auto, but Simon surprised him by going for his lips instead. There was an intense longing as he pressed his lips to Markus’ pulling Markus close and holding him tight, as if he feared Markus might disappear without his grasp. Markus’ cheeks burned blue, as Simon then turned away without warning, too shocked to say anything more as he saw his love heading towards the door.

As soon as he got to the auto, Simon took a single breath and collapsed, He hadn’t been lying to Markus, at least, not exactly. But if even he had been, it was Markus’ fault, anyway, for forcing his hand like this.. No, he hadn’t been lying. He _was_ heading to the Center. Only not to work. He wouldn’t pass on the message, or try to pick up some gossip on Jared’s night out. He would pick up a small medpack with thirium tablets, bandages, and hydrogen peroxide, along with a folding wheelchair. And then he would leave. He had no intention of being seen, or of making small talk with coworkers, and he wasn’t going to pick up a shift at the YK wing. In and out. Back into the auto. He had a mental map of eight coordinates, and the shortest route to hit each one and still be home before dark. Or not. He’d find out, he supposed. He wished he could find a way to forget his fear. To forget the pain. Or to convince himself that there was some way to protect himself. But he knew there wasn’t. The closest thing to an anesthetic was the knowledge that Markus had every intention of heading to his death tonight. It didn’t numb the pain, but it sure as hell put it into perspective. 

Sneaking into the Center was surprisingly easy. Probably because he wasn’t sneaking in per se. He let his presence be known, but didn’t engage the receptionist when she asked if he’d forgotten something here since his previous stay. He just walked to a back closet, took what he needed, and left through the back door. Leaving from the front with the wheelchair would probably have been impossible, but luckily he knew his way around well enough that he didn’t need to. And then he was in the auto. Twenty minutes. Of course the longest ride had to be the first. Too much time to be alone with his thoughts, servos tensing with anticipation, as he could feel the ghost of a hand growing closer toward his chest. With each passing moment, the hand grew stronger, crawling against his frame as if sizing him up to see how best to tear him apart. 

_Breathe in, breathe out._

The hand made it hard to breathe, so he found he almost had to remind himself. 

_Breathe in, breathe out._

He remembered Markus. Ravenously, he tore through old memories trying to feel them as strong as possible. Trying to make them drown out the hand. Drown out the auto. Drown out his destination. His destination. The car stopped short, and Simon found his thirium pump pounding in his chest as he saw the letters in that horrid neon blue. 

_CyberLife_. 

He slung his bag around his shoulder, and unfolded the chair, before stepping out of the auto. He could wheel the chair in front of him like a walker for now. Something steady to hold onto as he ventured forward. He remembered when he’d first met Ralph. Abandoned buildings were always creepy. There was something so intangibly unsettling about being in a place that no one knew people ever still visited. He didn’t believe in ghosts; how could he? He knew there was nothing after death. But still, there was an eerie chill as he made his way through the halls. Each CyberLife store had a similar layout, so he knew how to access the basement. The feel of the wheels bumping against the cracks in the tile floor was oddly comforting. A rhythmic reminder that he was still alive. He was still standing. He was still… outside. Not outside the building, but outside the room he needed to enter. He realized that he didn’t have the access code to open the door. Connor had the access code when they’d gone earlier, but Connor wasn’t here now. He’d have to find a way to hack the lock. 

Simon hated hacking his way through firewalls and locks. It seemed to come easy to Markus and the others, but his PL600 programming wasn’t so sophisticated. It took him conscious effort to work his way through the maze of code, and he had to think through each move. Which was hard enough in itself, but when it took nearly all his effort to keep calm enough to keep breathing and stay on his feet, it was all but impossible. Still, he had time. He could take his time, and work through it. And each time, with more experience, it would only get easier from there. It felt like forever before he managed to maneuver around each twist and turn to feel the slight electric click of the door finally unlocking. Only that was actually the easy part, he realized. He’d been taking this one step at a time. It was the only way he’d managed to get this far. But a locked door was good. A locked door meant protection. He’d disabled his one defense, and now all that was left was to open the door, and completely expose himself to whatever was waiting for him on the other side. 

He just needed a minute. Just a minute to steel his nerve. Simon allowed himself to fall into the chair, lying back anxiously. He was going to do this. He was already as good as dead. He would never be able to recover from what had happened with Nines. He still hadn’t recovered from what had happened at Stratford. So better he meet his end here than Markus or Josh or North. He hadn’t recovered. In all this time, he still hadn’t recovered. He wouldn’t recover from this. This was the end of his life. And he… was in control… He was walking into it. He wasn’t left behind, or caught off guard. He had planned it. So he shouldn’t worry. He was in control. Only he was scared. Because he still hadn’t recovered. It hurt so much to break. It was terrifying. The hands around his-- No. Bad. He wouldn’t go there. Not now. He had to do this. So he couldn’t let the fear consume him. He’d unlocked the door. That was a big step. He wouldn’t let anyone else feel the pain he had felt. Least of all Markus. Markus had risked his life to save him. Now it was time to return the favor.


	101. Taking Him Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon’s got company

Simon calmed down just enough to open the door, but was somehow only more unsettled to find that the room was fairly crowded with unsold biocomponents and android accessories, but no sign of any living Androids. There could have been dozens of Androids hiding behind storage boxes in a room of that size. By entering to investigate, he’d be rendering himself vulnerable to attack from all angles. So many hands. So many eyes. His own hands were stiff against the wheels of the chair, as he forced himself forward. The chair creaked eerily, and Simon found his artificial skin crawling as he realized it was a clear giveaway of his presence to anything he’d be exposing himself to. But nothing moved.

Damn it, he wished something would just move! If someone was here, he hated the waiting! Waiting was the nothing of death coupled with the fear of dying. It was awful. Every servo was tense as he wheeled his way around the room, but… he couldn’t find anything… Just… boxes… Boxes and parts… He was so worried something would move or fall or come at him from behind and throw him to the ground, but the more he investigated, the more nothing he found. 

He tore through the room, only to find that he was the only living thing there. One building down. Seven to go. Seven. Seven more chances to be torn apart. But this was good. He was still alive and physically unharmed. So that was good. He was good. Wheeling himself back up to the main floor, he tried to let the panic drain out of his system. The auto was waiting for him there, with its remaining destinations already preloaded. Seven, six, five, four, three, two… Nobody ever counted for anything good. Counting was preparing. Preparing for something terrible to happen. How many snipers in the room? How much time before the police burst through the door? How long until his throat was torn crudely from his body? And he was already on one.

Time to bite the bullet. He didn’t need his throat anyway. Or his thirium pump… Or any part of him, really. If there was anything he’d learned from his past, it was that no biocomponents were necessary. Any part of him could be haphazardly torn out, and crudely slapped back into place by whoever might choose to do so. And it hurt like hell, and he almost died, or even sometimes really died, and maybe next time, he’d die for real, and never come back, but he knew now that it really could happen. 

He wondered if other Androids realized how easy it was to be torn apart and Frankensteined back together, or just left to rot. At least, if the first seven rooms were any indication, there’d be an abundance of biocomponents to work with. He’d have to work on himself though. Could he will his hand to go for his own throat…? Well, no… There wouldn’t be a need to here. Because he wouldn’t have Markus to defend him this time around.

The RK900 wouldn’t let him go. He would wrench his grip tighter, closing his fist as the metal wrenched under the pressure, until the wires and thirium lines were completely exposed, grip continuing to tighten, as unbearable pain would shoot through his body, the hand pressing hard against his vulnerable wiring, until finally it was his major thirium lines, obstructed as the pressure built, building and building, unable to stop. The pressure would only stop once the lines would burst, his head shooting off with the blast, painting the walls with his thirium. He was scared. He didn't want that. He didn't want that at all. It hurt bad enough before it got to that point. He was already crying, as he could feel himself choking at the imaginary weight. He swallowed back the ghost of thirium, and hoped he could keep it together just long enough to investigate this one final building. 

Calming down wasn’t an option anymore. He was tired. Too tired and too weak. Too many times having wound up panicking, only to try to will his stress response back down once the threat of immediate danger had dissipated. So he forced himself to fight his stress response, ignoring the thirium that had begun to trickle from his joints as he wheeled himself forward. Careful not to let the thirium from his arms find its way to the ground below, he wheeled himself down to the basement, cursing as he realized that in order to unlock the final door, he would inevitably have to press his bloodied hand to the locking mechanism. He could clean it with hydrogen peroxide later. Unless he died. But in that case, cleaning would be the least of his problems.

He would get this done quick. Like ripping off a bandaid. It would hurt, but no point in prolonging it. That was… dumb… He hadn’t realized it when he was looking after his human children. But to have a biocomponent so quickly torn from him was excruciating. The burst of pain was horrible. Would he get this done quick like ripping out a biocomponent? Yeah. That felt a bit more fitting. A lot more fitting. It hurt. He hurt. Everything hurt. And there was thirium again. He tried to swallow it back, only this time, he could feel real thirium. It had mass this time. He needed to hurry. He didn’t even have a choice. He never had a choice. 

Throwing caution to the wind Simon burst through the door, nearly falling face-first out of his chair as he could’ve sworn he saw something move from the corner of his eye. Fuck! Why was it at the last place? Why did he have to go through all this, only to find more RK900s at the very last store! It wasn’t fair that the universe hated him so. Except it might not have been the universe, and it might not have been fair. Didn’t CyberLife manufacture autos? They’d have seen each of his destinations… So they’d have known to move every unit here, to take him down before he could give any damning evidence to Markus and the others. And so when Markus and the others arrived, they’d be completely outnumbered. This was bad. From where he’d fallen, he couldn’t get up.

An RK900 could come at his leisure to tear Simon apart, and he wouldn’t be able to do a thing about it. Which meant Josh would be the only tech as Markus and North would take on who knew how many RK900s. Josh would only be able to tend to them one at a time. Markus would eagerly sacrifice himself for the others, but worse, without him or Connor, the others might readily leave Markus there to die if it meant they could safely escape, having gotten the information they needed. All this work, and all for nothing. The footsteps were slow, and he couldn’t pick himself up, no matter how hard he tried to fight his stress response. After all he’d been through, he wasn’t physically strong enough. 

‘Markus, don’t go! I’m sending you the coordinates; it’s a trap, I know it’s a trap. Avoid this store at all costs. You’re going to die if you come here. They--they’ll kill you! Go anywhere else, but stay away from here, and don’t take an auto wherever you go. They’ve been tracking me. They’ve been tracking me this whole time! I love you… Never forget that I love you. Please move on. Don’t forget about me, but be happy… You’re wonderful and deserve nothing but happiness… I… I love you...’

“That’s Simon!”

Fuck! They already knew how to replicate Markus’ voice! 

“Simon? What’s he doing here?!? I thought you didn’t tell him we were coming here!”

North?

“I couldn’t keep it from him. He woke up while I was writing a note. A goodbye of sorts. And I had to tell him from there so he didn’t think--“

How could the RK900s know _that_...?

“Forget that! What did he say…?”

“I’m trying to figure that out. He sent me coordinates. One of these buildings is a trap. He told me to stay away, and not to go by auto. I think he found something. It sounds like he’s in danger. I’m just trying to figure out where these coordinates--“

“Here. They lead here. See the thirium?”

Thirium? So he had left a trace? And now the North-voice found it. Brilliant. Fuck. He was terrified. Once again, he let the tears fall freely. How dark that he’d come to form a protocol on how to address his own impending demise, heavily accounting for the fact that his body would likely go unmourned by consciously taking time to mourn for himself. 

‘I’m coming, Si… Just hold on. We’re almost there!’

‘Stay away! They’ve done their research. More voices are coming. The models have voices, and they’re coming too. Don’t listen to the voices. You need to know that they’re dangerous!’

‘Simon, I am coming for you. I don’t care if it’s dangerous, I’m coming to get you out of here. If there are voices, just ignore them. Don’t let them upset you; I’m almost there, I promise, I’ll get you home…’

‘...p-please, Markus, go home! I won’t mind, I swear, just please stay safe! I-I’ll make it again… I can do it… I-I can get up if I try hard enough… I’ve got it… Stay away!’

As if to prove his point, Simon tried harder to bring himself to his feet, but the effort only further pumped more thirium from his ventilation system, bursting up his throat hard enough to force his body painfully downward into the ground. So much thirium. He was drowning… Were the RK900’s just toying with him? Watching him implode as they kept him there, bait to lure Markus into his death? He needed to get up. But he couldn’t. The ground was now slick with his thirium, making it harder for him to maintain his grip, and the thirium loss only made him weaker, as his joints audibly groaned as if to protest the movements. He needed to get up, but everything hurt. His neckbrace seemed to be digging into his shoulders hard enough to dent the frame, and everything seemed impossibly heavy.

“Fuck! Simon, what did they do to you?”

North? Or the North voice? Simon couldn't tell. All he could do was continue his pitiful attempts to scramble to his feet, and hope that whatever it was, it wouldn't hurt him. He couldn’t think about that for long, though, before he was airborne. Not by the neck, though. Hands wrapped themselves around his midsection, and then pulled him in towards something warm. Something beating fast. 

‘I’ve got you, Si… You’re going to be okay…’

Simon struggled to turn to see who was holding him, but, as if reading his mind, the arms turned him slightly to reveal Markus looking down on him, a soft reassuring smile across his face. 

‘M-markus, you’ve gotta get out of here! I-I I saw something move! I saw something, I know I did!’

‘Shhhh… shhh… You’re okay… Breathe… I hear you, Si, but it’s going to be okay… What do you mean you saw something move…?’

‘I-I don’t know… I saw something! I saw something, and then I was on the ground, and I-I don’t know… Please, just get out of here!’

‘Wait… You _were_ on the ground…? How did you get there…? ‘

‘I… I don’t know… I was just… I don’t know…’ 

“I don’t think there’s anything here… I’m scanning the room, but I’m not picking up on anything… And just walking around, I don’t see anything here…”

‘T-there’s something! I-isn’t there…? I think I saw something…?’

Simon whimpered. He wasn’t sure anymore… Was there something…? There was nothing anywhere else, and the others were here…

“This is why I knew he shouldn’t have come! Markus, take Simon home. He’s just going to freak us all out over nothing…” 

“North! Not okay! Simon’s here now, and he’s done a good job. He’s already gotten the room unlocked for us. That’s a start...”

“That you could’ve easily done yourself with the code from Nines…” North muttered not so much to herself. 

‘T-there’s nothing there…?’

“Yeah, Si. I think you just got a bit freaked out is all…”

Simon sighed in relief. 

‘Then we can go home…’

“So he agrees? Great! Meet us at the next--“

‘No. I-I mean… I finished… This was my last stop… I got the other places… There was nothing there… I-I can give you the evidence… Or lack thereof… There’s hydrogen peroxide in the bag on my chair… I-I don’t think I can move to clean my thirium, but… If one of you could…? I’m sorry…’

“I’ve got it… but wait… what do you mean you got the other places…? Simon…?”

‘I lied to Markus… I didn’t go to work… I-I thought it might be dangerous… A-and I didn’t want any of you to get hurt so… So… I went out and… Because I know what they can do… And I don’t want it to… For you to… I-I think Nines is the only one… I just… I think that was… Too much…’

“Shit, Simon… That’s pretty badass. Stupid, but badass for sure… Good on you…”

Simon knew Markus was probably rolling his eyes at the praise, but he did appreciate it. North had thought what he had done was good. So he was useful. And that meant he deserved to continue staying alive… At least until he’d outlived his momentary utility, anyway…

“That was badass and stupid… But not good. I’m proud of your actions, and the courage it must have taken to accomplish them, but your logic is just… awful… Still, we can discuss that later… Let’s just get you home for now…”

Simon didn’t object to that. He was safe in Markus’ arms, and everything was okay. The thirium had mostly settled in his ventilation system, and had already begun to dry at his joints. So he was okay. He felt bad that Markus was worried, but it didn’t matter. Because everyone was safe. He found his eyes closing. His head lolled in towards Markus’ chest, and he was so tired, yet so relieved that it was all okay now, until the anxiety began to finally leave his body, leaving him almost empty, hollow and weak, but mostly tired, as he basked in the warmth of Markus’ embrace. He let sleep sink into his frame as the soft rhythmic thump of Markus’ thirium pump sang a gentle reminder that he was home. 

“You do realize he had the foresight to bring a chair with him before we got here, right…? Just making sure…”

Markus knew North wasn’t happy carrying something as cumbersome as a wheelchair around the building. Even if there hadn’t been any RK900s waiting for them, just the concept of being in a CyberLife store was unsettling enough to put them all on edge. But Markus didn’t feel too badly for her. 

“He’s comfortable. I’m not going to risk bothering him when he feels secure enough to sleep like this… Especially not after all he’s been through today… We’re almost out of here, anyway, and the auto’s still parked outside…”

“You just like holding your boyfriend…” North scorned, waiting for a reply from Markus that never came. 

Markus knew better than to continue engaging her on the subject. Instead, he just gratefully carried Simon to the auto outside, entering the vehicle, Simon still in his arms. Josh took shotgun, probably to avoid the public display of affection, and North sat herself scornfully beside Markus, just eager to be returning to New Jericho so soon. 


	102. Earned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jericrew comes home early.

“I don’t understand why there wasn’t even a single RK900 left undeviated the entire state… I know that’s what you two were hoping for, but surely you must know this knowledge is actually inconvenient in terms of leverage. If they do have more out there, this means we can’t know for sure. Because we can’t trust them if they deny it… Seeing proof of more RK900s with our own eyes is the only way we can ever truly know they’re out there. It’s impossible for us to know they’re not. You can’t prove a negative...”

Markus let out a heavy sigh. He knew Josh was right. Worse, even if there weren’t currently more RK900s, reason would have it that the engineers at Cyberlife could easily create more. Or worse, create something stronger. That was right. They could create any weapons they felt like. They had the skill to do so, and they had the motivation. 

“This is good. It means we don’t need to be distracted by the thought of more RK900s… Because RK900s are irrelevant. Cyberlife can make any weapon to take us down; any new model of Android, or virus or deactivation code, or whatever. If they haven’t made anything already, it might have been because they were counting on Nines to be their ace in the hole. But now that they can’t rely on Nines, no doubt they’ll get more creative unless strongly incentivized not to. We… need to think about this carefully. About how to get President Warren to want to incentivize Cyberlife to play nice, at least until they’re driven to bankruptcy. The issue is that humans don’t seem to care about issues unless the issues affect them directly. And technical weapons meant to cause harm to Androids often have no negative effects on humans. So we need to figure out how to make them believe that our relationship as sentient beings is mutually beneficial. Actually… I think I have an idea on how to do that…”

“We kill all the major shareholders of CyberLife stocks, to send a message that if they fuck with us, they die?”

“Some of those shareholders might be innocent! And besides, we don’t even know if they’re actually planning anything, just that they could. Plus, we can’t stoop to their level and still expect their respect…”

“Josh is right, North. I was thinking more along the lines of a “don’t bite the hand that feeds you”-type thing. Cyberlife needs to restructure their business model now that they’re not allowed to make Androids for humans… But they can make Android related products, for other Androids. Thirium, replacement biocomponents, new add-on biocomponents, mods, and patches, and tech equipment…. The only way the company can remain in business now that Androids are legally people, and therefore unable to be sold to other people, is if they cater to a new clientele. And if they’re financially dependent upon us, then it’s a mutually assured destruction. Any means by which they might try to harm us would only be harming themselves. We could even absorb them into New Jericho…”

“I don’t want to work with those CyberLife pricks!”

“I never said it was something I wanted to do. It’s not something we’d be doing for pleasure, but for pragmatism. We wouldn’t need to rely on President Warren, or anyone else for protection from CyberLife if CyberLife is on our side. It’s the simplest solution. We can pitch the idea at the meeting. It’ll be good to do in front of President Warren, so then she can see the impact of the Android community on the national economy. We, alone, can keep one of the nation’s largest corporations from bankruptcy, preventing a new recession. The country needs us and we need them. So we don’t need to be paranoid; we just need to be smart.”

Josh nodded in approval.

“Diplomacy. That is the ultimate solution. So then today was productive after all…”

Markus was also pleasantly surprised with the outcome of the most recent mission. Everyone was okay, Simon had been well enough to venture out here on his own, and they’d found a solution to their problem with CyberLife. Now all there was to do was rest. Markus ran a hand through Simon’s hair. Such soft beauty felt so fitting atop the head of his beloved. Simon let out a happy sleepy noise, and Markus smiled. Cute… 

“...Earth to Markus…? You going to go inside any time soon or just stay here all gooey eyed while petting your unconscious boyfriend…?”

Markus blinked up at North. He hadn’t realized that they’d arrived, or that she’d been waiting for him to exit the auto for what seemed to be some time, based on the annoyance in her voice. He scrambled awkwardly out of the auto, nodding a silent apology in her direction, as he started towards Simon’s room. Laying Simon on the bed, Markus picked out a set of clean clothes for him. 

“...Markus…?”

Simon woke up to find his pants halfway around his ankles, 

“S-Simon...? Go back to sleep, love… I was just getting you into some clean clothes before bed…”

“...bed…? We’re home…?”

“Yeah… You did a great job today… You _cannot_ try something like that again, because I nearly had a fucking heart attack when I received your message, but… I’m proud of you for being so brave. Now I just want us to rest… Okay…?”

“I was good… Useful… So I can sleep in bed… I’m not scared to sleep in bed when I’m useful….”

Markus felt his heart break. 

“You can sleep in bed whenever you like, love. It’s your bed, and it’s always safe. You don’t need to earn that…”

“Not from you… But I did good… So I’m needed. It wouldn’t be worth it to scrap me… Not if I can do things like this…”

“No one will scrap you. No one will ever scrap anyone. Utility has nothing to do with it. Life is always worth too much to disturb. And your life is worth more to me personally than you could ever know.”

“N-no… You’re wrong… but it doesn’t matter tonight. I can sleep. You heard North, She sounded impressed. I want to keep doing good… I… I think I’m ready for work tomorrow…”

“You don’t have to do that, Si… Really, it’s okay if you want to rest…”

“But I don’t want to rest. I want to get up and do things… And work is good. I like helping people… It could be nice…”

“Well, alright then… But if you are going to work, we should probably get some rest before then… Care for bed?”

Simon smiled softly. 

“With you…? Always…” 

Markus happily rolled into bed with Simon, holding him close. 

“I love you… Everything about you… Even if you never did a single thing in your life, you’ll always be my Simon…”

Simon blushed, his heart swelling with love. 

“I don’t deserve you…”

“You’re right. But until you can find someone better than me, I hope I’ll do for now…”

Laughing slightly, Simon nestled in closer to Markus, and found that once again, sleep came easy. Markus held Simon in his arms and tried to fight the call of sleep for just a little longer to enjoy the calm look on Simon’s face before he drifted off, himself. 


	103. Reassurances

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus has a rough night.

> _Markus found himself trembling as he ran to the basement. Simon had messaged him to stay back, but he wasn’t going to leave Simon there to die. So he ran, to find there were dozens… Dozens of RK900s, each turning to him with cold, dead eyes… The eyes froze him down to the wiring. Connor had mentioned something about the cold. And he felt it. The eyes of an RK900 could chill his thirium to slush. There were so many icy RK900s that Markus couldn’t even find Simon through the haze of snow._
> 
> _“Simon, where are you? I’m here, but I don’t see--“_
> 
> _The RK900s stepped toward Markus in unison. Preconstructions ran through his mind of ways to search the room. To find Simon and get out of here._
> 
> _“I-I-I don’t know… Dark… Bleeding… Dying… Can see t-timer…”_
> 
> _“No. You’re not dying. I’m coming for you Si… I’ll follow the trail of your thirium… I’ll get you help and take you home.”_
> 
> _Only there was no trail to follow, at least none that Markus could see. Markus’ arm felt heavy in his sling. An R900 came too close, and Markus knew better than to draw a punch. He swept the leg from under the RK900, expecting him to fall to the ground. But the RK900's balance was better than that, and he quickly adjusted for the brief moment off balance, and managed to counter, shoving Markus to the ground. The other RK900s swarmed around him, and pinned him down, painfully pressing against his uninjured limbs. Markus couldn’t fight off so many of them, and the pressure increased until error messages popped up in his vision. They were going to crush him to death at this rate. He needed to move. He needed to get away! He needed to find--Simon…?_
> 
> _“Just hold still, love… Save your strength… I’ll protect you…”_
> 
> _Markus felt a sinking feeling in his chest. He had heard Simon loud and clear, but the lips that moved weren’t those which clung to his kiss. They belonged to the RK900 standing over him, speaking in a voice that it had no right to have taken. Was Simon even here at all?!?_
> 
> _“Listen to Simon… You don’t want him to get hurt… Let me help you… Or else we might all die…”_
> 
> _Markus felt the weight on his right arm increase exponentially as Josh’s voice came from the RK900 holding it down. It sounded like Josh, only more monotone, disconcertingly so. The pressure turned into torsion, as the Josh-voiced RK900 began to twist, wrenching his forearm unnaturally against the joint at his elbow. He screamed in pain, as it twisted, freeing the wires and thirium lines, until with a sickening crack, the limb came off just below the joint. A hand came down hard on his mouth, splitting the frame of his lip and causing thirium to spurt out from beneath._
> 
> _“Quiet! You wouldn’t want him to get hurt, would you? You wouldn’t want him to get hurt You wouldn’t want him to get hurt you wouldn’t want--“_
> 
> _Josh’s voice seeemed to echo from other RK900s, repeating until more Simon-voices joined in the chant._
> 
> _“You wouldn’t want them to hurt me Let me focus so they don’t hurt me Be grateful I’ll protect you Help me help you Help--“_
> 
> _Each word increased the pressure of the hand, until it pushed the front teeth loose from his upper jaw. He didn’t even get a chance to swallow, as the teeth fell back into his throat. Because the hand kept going. The hinges of his jaw broke as the hand forced its way entirely into his mouth. He choked against the sudden fullness, but the hand wouldn’t even let him do that. The arm extended unnaturally, pressing harder on the back of his throat. It was blocking his airway entirely; he couldn’t breathe. And it was still pressing harder, stifling screams he was sure were trying to tear from his voicebox, as tears ran from his eyes, overcome with pain. Pain which only got worse, as the hand managed to break through, expanding the entrance to his throat, as the hand snaked its way down. Slowly. Agonizingly slowly. It was ripping him apart from the inside out, shushing him almost perversely as it continued to make its way down. It didn’t stop at his ventilation system. It kept pressing, forcing its way through his ventilation system. Down to his thirium pump. At which point the chanting changed._
> 
> _“You deserve this you deserve this you deserve this you deserve--“_
> 
> _Markus was almost grateful when the hand finally took his thirium pump, and pressed it to the bottom of his frame. Just a few more seconds and it would shatter under the pressure. And then he’d finally be free of the pain._
> 
> _‘I’m sorry… Goodbye, my love…’_

Markus woke up as his thirium pump burst, gasping for air, as he realized he had been in bed this whole time. In bed alone...

“Sorry for what? What do you mean goodbye? Markus what’s wrong?”

Simon burst into view, concern on his face.

“I… I think it was a nightmare… J-just a bad dream… I’m fine… What are you doing up…?”

Simon sat himself onto his bed, and took Markus’ hand reassuringly. 

“I was preparing for work. I needed to modify my uniform so that I could more easily put it on over my neckbrace. So I cut it down the front and added some buttons… I’m sorry I didn’t notice you were struggling…”

“I...it’s fine… It was just a bad dream… I’m fine… Everything’s fine…”

Simon retracted the skin from his hand and sent a stream of comfort through it to Markus.

“Everything is fine… I’ve got you, love… You’re awake now; it’s over…”

Markus whimpered a wordless note of gratitude for Simon’s reassuring touch. 

“You’re okay… You’re safe now… Wanna talk about it…?”

Markus shook his head. He knew better than that. Telling Simon what he’d dreamt would only needlessly upset him too. He was fine now. It was just a dream. Everyone was here, everyone was safe, and Simon was at his side, showering him with love. 

“I’m fine… I’m sorry for worrying you… You… did a good job with your shirt… You look cute… Although I must say, I think a better solution would’ve been to just go topless. You’d look damn cute like that too…”

“Markus! I work with children!”

“Do children not have the right to appreciate some eye candy every now and again?”

Simon playfully shoved Markus, trying in vain not to laugh. 

“Do you realize how ridiculous you sound?”

“What’s so ridiculous about finding your boyfriend attractive?”

Leaning over, Simon kissed Markus’ forehead, before getting up to leave. 

“You seem to be doing better already, so I think I’ll head out now. I love you, Markus…”

Markus caught Simon by the arm before he could stray too far from the bed. 

“Wait. Simon… I know you want to go back to work already, but just know… No one would fault you if you chose to come home early… Please message me if you need anything, too. I’m always here for you…”

Simon turned to meet Markus’ eyes. His blue eyes grew harder, not aggressively so, but in a way that radiated a silencing conviction. 

“I know, Markus. But I’ll be fine. I’ll see you at five. Like usual. I love you…”

“I love you more… I’ll see you at five…”

Simon smiled back in approval, before leaving for the auto outside. 


	104. Superhero

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon returns to work.

Simon had the bag he’d taken the day before sitting on the seat of the chair he’d borrowed, ready to return to work. It only sank in that he was on his way to work again. Work wasn’t scary. Work was fulfilling. He was helping people recover their lives. That was what he lived for… But also the one thing he couldn’t do for himself… And thinking about it… going out and pretending like everything was normal, like he was a full person, a strong person, able to live and be, and not come apart at the seams… It was painful… Because he still jumped at every shadow, ready to break down at every moment, held together only by the knowledge that whatever might scare him if he faced the world wasn’t nearly as awful as what he’d have to deal with if he didn’t. 

Going back to work in a crudely modified button-down uniform was a visual reminder of that for him, and everyone he encountered throughout the day. Each button was a show of failure, covering the blue patches of weakness across the canvas of his bare chest. Buttons went down the torso in a straight line. A perfect template of where to draw the knife, if they were to be so merciful as to use one to tear into his chest and remove the parts that kept him alive. The parts that everyone knew would be better served in literally any other Android body. Hell, even if an Android already had a fully functional set of biocomponents, if his would improve their efficiency, then they’d still be serving more of a purpose in that Android than in his own worthless body. As the car stopped, Simon realized he didn’t even have the luxury to frown at the shell of a life he’d been given, because here at the Center, he had to keep up morale for the people who actually had hope. Although, he didn’t even have much of a chance to think about his need to keep up appearances as Kara came out to get the door for him. 

“Thanks…” Simon smiled sheepishly. 

“It’s good to see you again! Here… Let me help you with these… We could use your help in the YK wing if you haven’t been given an assignment yet…”

“Of course… How is everyone…? Is everything alright…?”

“Nothing’s wrong, Simon. There’s just a bit of work that needs to be done, and I’m sure you could help out better than any of them…”

Simon didn’t believe that he was any more capable than anyone else here, but if Kara, for whatever reason, had requested him, he wasn’t going to object. He passed the chair off to Kara, before stepping out of the auto, and into the Center. It felt familiar. Familiar was good. Well, sometimes… Sometimes familiar was terrible. But this was good. Even if the halls felt somehow emptier. Maybe he just hadn’t remembered right… Kara led Simon with a skip in her step, oddly eager to deal with a tech-related manner… Not to say she didn’t normally have a sunny disposition, but usually it was more muted when she was dealing with serious manners. She seemed almost… excited, as she moved to open the door for Simon into the YK playroom. 

“Welcome back!” 

Simon broke out in a genuine smile. The room had been decorated with all sorts of cards, and a small herd of children smiled back at him, eager to be acknowledged by him after his unexpected absence. 

“Thank you! What a lovely reception! I’ve missed you all so much this week…”

“We missed you too! Yesterday, Jared’s boyfriend brought in snack for us like you usually do, but his food is gross!”

“Jared’s boyfriend…?”

“Yeah! The twitchy guy in the green cape. The one who talks weird.”

“Wait, does she mean Ralph?”

Simon turned to Kara in amusement.

“Yeah. The other day Ralph told me Jared taught him how to bake. So I told him he could bake for the YKs if he’d like. You know how excited that would make him… But… I think Vanessa’s going a bit far by calling his cake ‘gross’...”

“It was burnt and messy and it looked like a wet rat!”

“He put a lot of love into it, though, and that’s what matters…”

“His love tastes yuck!” Tommy chimed in, more to hear himself talk than as a genuine criticism. 

“Well, I haven’t gotten a chance to bake you anything for today, so I guess right now, my love tastes like Oreos… But if we still have some frosting in the pantry, maybe we can decorate them to look like tiny faces!”

“I’m gonna make a rat face! Maybe this one will bite you!” Micah made rat noises and tried to chase Vanessa around the playroom, with little success as she easily outran him on his crutches. 

“Alright, guys, I think it’s time we let Simon get to actual work…”

“This was a wonderful welcome, though. I really missed seeing all your smiling faces…”

Touched by the gesture, Simon felt a bit better as he started towards his office, but little footsteps ran after him, followed by a light tap on the back. 

“Wait, Simon! I… I made you this…”

Turning away to hide his face, Tommy held out a folded piece of construction paper. 

“Markus told me you were sick, and I didn’t know how bad you got hurt, but I wanted to do something to make you feel better. Markus knows a lot of stuff… He says I’m gonna be blue because I got hurt. But he also says blue means a person’s really brave. And you’ve got a lot of blue. So you’re really really brave. Markus even said you’re the bravest person he knows. I know blue doesn’t make me feel brave. I get scared a lot. So I wanted to remind you how to feel brave. And so I made you this card.”

Simon looked over the card and found himself holding back tears. It was a childishly scribbled outline of a Superman like figure flying through the air, with a blue cape and blue streaks that somewhat resembled those across Simon’s face. 

“Tommy… this... This is the sweetest thing… I-I love it… Thank you… I-I’m sorry, I just… don’t even know what to say…”

“Is that an adult thing…? Like crying when you don’t have the words for things? Every adult here does that…”

“Maybe… But I’m not crying because I can’t find words… I’m crying because this is just… This is beautiful… I’ll tell you a secret, Tommy… You don’t know how much I needed this…”

“Hey! That’s not a secret! Telling me I don’t know something isn’t a secret! I know I don’t know the thing!” 

Simon tousled Tommy's hair with a laugh. 

"I suppose you're right. How about this, then…? I secretly have never eaten a brownie.”

“Wait, really? But you make them every--Oh! No! You’re not a YK! You can’t eat anything! Simon!! Tell me your secrets!”

“Hmmm… What about that I can never anticipate how much it makes me smile to come in and visit you all…? Thanks for making my day, kiddo...”

And with that, Simon tucked his card into his pocket, and made his way down to his office. He would wait there for an assignment. Everything was fairly organized, so it really was just playing the waiting game until someone new was admitted. He just had a feeling that it wouldn’t be long before the next patient came in. Although in fairness, it was probably just his tendency to catastrophize everything at all times. His exchange with the YKs had been too amazing, so surely something terrible was just around the corner. Rationally, he knew that was a logical fallacy, but at the same time, good times always had to come to an end, and bad times could be unthinkably horrible. So all he could do was wait, in every sense of the word. Just wait… He hated waiting… Maybe he’d draw for a bit, clear his mind from the waiting… He took the sketchbook Markus had gifted him out of his desk drawer. Pencil in hand, he opened the book, letting himself drift away into the art. 

The YKs drew superheroes a lot. He’d learned a good amount of comic lore to discuss it with them, similar to how he’d learned all the Disney princesses for Alice. Bruce Wayne was Batman. Until he wasn’t. Then came Dick Grayson, Nightwing, former Robin, to take up the mantle. Bruce Wayne created the Batfamily, but he also kinda sucked. Everyone always did better without him, and they knew it too. Jason Todd, and Dick Grayson, and Tim Drake and Damian Wayne… They all knew it… Anyone who actually read Batman comics would agree Batman was probably one of the worst characters, or at least one of the least interesting, and that was including Alfred, Commissioner Gordon, and every villain in Gotham. So maybe the Joker was right. He just wanted to show how much Batman sucked. How much the world would be better off without Batman. Yes, the world would have been better off without him. 

‘Simon… Would you please assist on emergency repairs in room 236? We have a BL100 arriving with major thirium loss and critical damage to biocomponents #8456w, #8427g, #4507, and #8427t in ten minutes.’

‘Yes… On my way…’

Simon set down his pencil, and took a final glance at his sketch. Batman had the Joker’s signature “Glasgow Smile” carved in too low, slitting his throat instead of his cheeks from ear to ear, as an annoyed-looking Grayson tossed some dirt patiently on the corpse, as if to crudely improvise an unmarked grave, while Damian and Drake impatiently had started to walk off the page, Todd having presumably already done so, without even the courtesy of pretending to care to tend to the body. The drawing was left unfinished as the message had interrupted him, but he understood where he’d been going with it, as he stuffed the sketch into his bottom drawer before heading to room 236. 


	105. Hate Crime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon tends to the victim of a not-hate-crime.

Simon met Jared and Veronica there, and frowned. It must have been really bad to require three techs just for one job. 

“Good to have you back…” Jared smiled warmly.

“Thanks… Good to be back… Do you have any replacement parts we might need on hand?”

“Yeah. That, thirium, and basic removers and soldering tools. We should be ready for whenever she comes in.”

“Perfect. Thanks, Veronica.”

Simon had never worked with her personally, as she had only joined the Center recently, but he’d heard only good things about her, and she seemed to be quick to pick up the skills needed for repair work. Actually North had recommended her personally. A fellow WR400, she’d been looking for a more suitable line of work since the revolution, when North suggested she apply for a job here. And she was a perfect example of how identical models were not identical people. She was the spitting image of North, but only if Simon consciously thought of it. Otherwise, just by her smile, and the way she carried herself she couldn’t have looked more different. Her presence was warm and reassuring, and Simon already felt at ease at the knowledge that his first day back, he’d be working with two such highly competent individuals. 

Simon didn’t get a chance to ask any more questions, when a body was rushed into the room. Her entire left side was horribly burnt, and her frame was dented in several places, as if someone had taken a bat to her entire body. Her eyes were wide, and she appeared to be at least somewhat conscious, in severe pain. Veronica was the first to approach her, even before she’d been set down on the bed, placing a skinless hand on her uninjured arm. 

‘My name is Julia…That lady-- Veronica-- she says you’re going to make it stop hurting, right…? And that you won’t let me die…? Please, I-I just want to live…’

Simon felt the sting of fresh tears pricking at his eyes again, as he stepped into her line of view. 

‘Hi Julia. I’m Simon. Don’t worry; me, Veronica and our friend Jared over here are going to make it all better. You’re going to be just fine really soon. Jared’s going to hook you up to a thirium line and a machine that’ll let you just sleep while we work on your repairs a bit, and you should be feeling better by the time you wake up…’

‘No! No, please! D-don’t! N-no sleep mode! Y-you you can’t-- I-I can’t--‘

Julia tried to keep them away, weakly thrashing around her damaged limbs and splattering thirium all around her. 

Simon flinched, more concerned by her reaction than the thirium that now stained his uniform, but he willed himself to speak, nonetheless. 

‘Shhh shhh… Relax, it’s okay… We won’t do anything you don’t want us to do… I only suggested we put you in sleep mode, because sometimes repairs hurt when you’re awake. Trust me… This is actually my first day to work back after I was a patient here for the past week. I was in worse shape than you were, but Jared fixed me up… You don’t need to enter sleep mode if you don’t feel safe doing so. No one’s going to make you do anything that makes you feel unsafe, okay…?’

‘H-how can I trust you? You might make me worse! You could make the hurting worse! How do I know you’re not with the monsters who did this to me? They--they said they had connections! And that they’d be back! I didn’t do anything wrong! Don’t hurt me!’

‘How about I show you, Julia…? Would that be better…? Can I share what we plan to do…?’

Julia’s eyes burned through Simon, tearing him up and down, lingering too long on the blue of his jaw, until he was just about sure he’d fall to the ground, before thankfully, she seemed to agree.

‘...y-yeah… that… that wouldn’t be so bad…’

Simon approached her with his hands submissively in the air where she could see them, before retracting the skin on one, and placing it slowly on her uninjured arm. He shared his feelings first. His sympathy for her pain, his desire to help, his belief that everyone deserves happiness… Then came his intentions, from vague to specific about the repair procedures that would most likely be required before she would be ready to go home. Stepping back, he removed his hand and allowed her a moment to process the information she’d received. 

‘...s-sorry… you’re right… I’m just… I don’t want--‘

‘No need to apologize Julia. It’s okay to be scared. We see all sorts of reactions here… You should’ve seen the hell I’ve given Jared all week…’

Veronica laughed, not sure specifically of what Simon was referring to in the message, but amused by the idea of Simon giving anyone a hard time. 

‘We--I don’t think you were so bad… And you took everything really well… So Julia, do you think you’d be okay if I put you into sleep mode for a bit…?’

‘O-okay… just please… it… it hurts really bad… and it’s really dizzy… I-I’m really dizzy… B-but you’ll make it better…?’

‘Yeah. We’re going to make it better… You’re going to be alright, Julia… You’ll see in just a bit…’

Simon could see her slowly losing consciousness as Jared hooked her good arm up to the stasis machine. Brown eyes slowly dulled, before shutting as Julia entered sleep mode. Veronica was the first to inspect the damage up close. Touching the burnt casing of Julia’s leg, Veronica pulled back, hissing in pain.

“Shit! Don’t touch the damage, guys… It’s worse than it looks. I’ve seen this stuff before. That’s thirium benzoate. Dissolved in water, it turns into a thirium-based acid. It’s a miracle none of it managed to get through to her thirium lines, or she’d be a goner for sure. RA9, this stuff burns! I’ve gotta get it off, so could you two deal with her? You can wash it off with alcohol… Once you think you’ve got it all, try washing the alcohol with soap. If that burns, you’ll need more alcohol…”

“Got it! Take care of yourself. We can handle things from here…”

Veronica nodded back a wordless approval, and Simon retrieved a pair of gloves for him and Jared, trying not to think about how Veronica was so knowledgeable on the subject. After manually deactivating her artificial skin, and removing her clothes, he and Jared doused her entire body with alcohol, unwilling to risk missing any damage. Simon hadn’t even known chemicals like that had existed. Acids formulated to be especially lethal against androids. It made logical sense that humans would try to make something like that, but he somehow hadn’t thought of it before. Regardless, he didn’t have time to think about it now, either. Now that the body was cleaned, he and Jared had to properly inspect the damage. The dents in her frame were pretty deep, but could probably be smoothed out without the need for replacement, or even welding if they were careful enough. But her left side appeared to have been all but melted by the acid. Her auditory processor was unsalvageable, as was the surrounding area into which it had melded in a mess of metal, plastic, and fiberglass. And her left arm and leg were horribly warped. At the very least, the frame would need to be replaced there, but hopefully the underlying servos could be saved. Either way, this would be a lot of work. His scans registered that she’d lost 42% of her thirium in the attack, but there were no thirium stains on any part of her body, nor could he find any exposed thirium lines. 

“Internal bleeding… We should get her frame off first. It’s probably her thirium pump regulator. If we can get that fixed, the rest should be easier.”

Jared nodded, reaching for the extractor tool. One touch to her led was all it took for the tool to send her frame clattering to the ground, save for a piece just behind her left ear. From there, everything was pretty routine. Simon managed to get the thirium pump regulator back in working order, while Jared made repairs to the frame, but neither managed to remove the one piece of frame that hadn’t fallen off with the extractor. It seemed like her melted auditory processor had managed to bind her frame to her wiring, and it didn’t look like they could do much about it without risking major damage to her central processors. Jared looked uncertainly to Simon. 

“What should we do about this…? W-I think it was hurting her… We can’t just leave her like this…”

“No… we can’t… But we might not have to… I can try to carve the frame around the auditory processor to see if I can remove it and get a better look at the damage… At the very least, we might be able to find a way to cut off the circuit running to the melted chip to stop the pain… As for saving her hearing… we’ll need a new chip once her self-healing program can handle such a major replacement, but given the extent of the damage and thirium loss, I don’t think that would be for another few hours at least…”

Simon felt odd carving into Julia’s head, but upon removing most of the remaining frame, he was able to see that he’d been right in his assessment. After snipping away the wires leading to the damaged area, he managed to close the circuit, to relieve the pain for once Julia woke up. By the time he was done, Jared had already repaired the last bit of extracted frame, and had begun to piece her back together. Somehow, this time, it was almost therapeutic putting each part back in its place. Such severe damage wouldn’t even leave a trace within a day or two. A green hospital gown was placed on the body, and soon Julia was being wheeled into Simon’s room. 

Simon pulled out the drawing from his desk drawer, and continued to work on it. He finished the figures, drawing the arms--he didn’t know why, but he always seemed to draw the arms last, leading to an amusing pattern in his unfinished works-- and worked on improving the shading and line work. He’d learned how to put his heart into his work like Markus had taught him, and that was great, but his technical skills still needed a bit of work. And he didn’t want to start something new yet, knowing that any minute Julia could wake up, needing his support as she came to understand what had happened while she’d been asleep. So he worked on folds of fabric, and the angular curves of a jawline, until he heard something stir from behind him. 

“W-where am I…? I-I can’t hear…? I see you! Can you hear me? Or can I not speak? W-what did you do to me?”

‘You’re at the Repair Center, Julia. I can hear you. My friends and I just worked on some of the damage you received. It shouldn’t hurt anymore, and you should be able to move freely now… How do you feel…?’

Simon turned to find her eyes once again looking him up and down. 

‘...Simon… yeah… I… I remember… it… doesn’t hurt anymore… thank you… I… I want to go home…’

‘Don’t you want to wait until we can fix your hearing first…?’

The eyes narrowed.

‘...fine… B-but then I want to go home. Do… Do you know what happened to them…?’

‘Them...?’

‘The man who did this to me… And the friends he talked about… I-I know I saw the police when the ambulance took me away… They--they said they’d be back for me to finish me off, if I made it to the tech in one piece. Please, I can’t stay here and wait for them to hurt me again!’

‘I don’t know what happened to them, but I can check if you’d like… Still, I promise, you’re completely safe here, Julia… We won’t let anything hurt you here...’

‘P-please find out… I just want to be safe…’

‘Right. Just give me a minute, then, Julia… Let me see…’

Simon figured that as Julia’s tech, if Connor knew anything he would be allowed to divulge at least a limited amount of information. At the very least whether or not the suspect was apprehended. 

‘Hey Connor, how are you…?’

‘As Dad would put it, ass-deep in paperwork. I don’t mind the paperwork, but I’m unable to be as efficient as I’d like to be, and that… frustrates me… I know emotions are worth the inefficiencies they result in, but… That only makes me more frustrated… How are you…? Is everything alright…? I know you don’t usually message me at this hour…’

‘Yeah… I’m fine… I just… Wanted to see if you knew anything about a woman who was rushed into the Center about two hours ago. A BR100 named Julia. She seemed to have been attacked with acid and with some sort of blunt object, and she’s really freaked out. Do you know anything about her case…? I figured since I’m her tech, you could at least let me know if you caught the guy who did it to her… Just to put her mind at ease…?’

‘Julia? She… She’s the girl from the case I’m working on… You… You shouldn’t have been assigned her as a patient. Simon, please request that she be transferred to another tech immediately…’

‘I’ve already finished the first and most extensive round of repairs, and I’m fine Connor. Besides, she trusts me. I’m not going to pass her off now. Did you catch the man who did this to her…? He said he had connections… Was he affiliated with any local anti android hate groups…?’

‘I… caught him… And no… He must have been bluffing… He… couldn’t have been a part of any of those groups… His motive was… different… Not entirely so, but… Look, feelings are complicated…’

‘Feelings…? What does that have to do with this…? If this wasn’t a hate crime, then what was it…? What kind of asshole goes around slinging android-acid at random people…?’

‘I… never said it wasn’t a hate crime… And I never said it was random…’

‘So it was a hate crime. Connor, are you sure this human didn’t have--‘

‘He wasn’t human!’

Connor practically screamed the message, tired and exasperated. 

‘He… what…?’

‘I-I’m sorry Simon… The assailant… He… He was a BX400… I didn’t mean to tell you…’

‘I… don’t understand… So then how was this a hate crime…? W-what was his motive…? Was he deviant? B-because last night, we couldn’t find any more--‘

‘Fuck… No, Simon, he was a deviant. It seemed he and the victim had both applied for the same job as a barista at a local cafe. She got the job, and he… didn’t like that… He told me it wasn’t fair that an inferior model got the job over him. All sorts of hateful shit and the like… I just… I never expected androids to discriminate between models like that, so I’m a bit shaken up… And I didn’t think you needed to know that he was an android because I knew that would upset you and--‘

‘It’s fine, Connor. Yes. With feelings comes hate. Deviants think like humans. So it only stands to reason they sometimes adopt their own similar modes of prejudices.’

‘Yes… that does make sense… Be well Simon… I’m sorry I could not have been more articulate…’

‘No need to be sorry… Thank you for the help…’ 

Simon then returned his attention to Julia.

‘He’s in police custody… And he lied to you… He was acting alone… So there really is nothing to worry about…’

‘Then why do you look so worried…?’

Simon didn’t even know how to answer. He hadn’t meant to look so worried. And he’d managed to keep his cool enough that Connor hadn’t suspected that he really had been shaken by this information. But fear was building up inside of him, and he could feel Julia’s eyes boring through him as if to try and reach the fear within. It was too much. An android did this to her. Did this to her because he saw himself as a superior model. Saw himself as more useful, and thought a less useful Android didn’t deserve professional recognition. Didn’t deserve to live. He didn’t care that the PL600 was an obsolete model. They had been out of production for years, even before the revolution, in favor of more sophisticated caretaking models. This wasn’t new information, and it didn’t scare him. But independent of his model was his own inutility. His weakness. The way he always acted like he had a target on his back, paranoid and anxious like Julia, only without the good reason she clearly had to feel this way. 

‘I-I… I’m just… I’m just--‘

“M-markus d--“

Two clicks, and Simon was able to cut off the cry, but no amount of clicking could prevent him from collapsing to the ground in front of him, as he knew Julia’s eyes were digging deeper, threatening to release his growing fear in its entirety. 

‘Simon!’

Simon knew acid. Eyes burned like acid. Thirium burned like acid too as it poured from his throat, and the hands came at him, and… Hands… Hands came at him… He couldn’t stop them; he couldn’t move. He could see several pairs of legs, but only one pair of hands came at him. Words were spoken just out of reach, until the hands grabbed him, and began to take him away. He couldn’t fight back, and he didn’t know where he was being taken, but he knew all the different things in the building that could be used to hurt him, and he knew that anyone who looked at him would easily be able to tell that he was useless, and thereby deserving of hurt. Somehow, the hand managed to fill him with acid. Through his wiring, instead of his thirium lines. He hadn’t known that was possible, but somehow it only made the pain more intense, until for a brief moment, he was sure he had died. 

Well, actually, he wasn’t sure if it was a brief moment, or a lifetime, because time meant nothing in death. Death was nothing itself. But like always, death didn’t last before he heard a voice, Kara, this time. He found that something physically prevented him from cursing at it, but he managed to spit a mouthful of thirium in the direction of the sound. How would they hurt him this time before-- He saw himself. Without warning, he saw himself. Lying on his side, his face and uniform covered in thirium as he trembled, teary eyed and desperate. He looked like he was struggling to breathe, and flinched when he--when Kara…? He was seeing through the real Kara’s eyes…?-- called his name. Then his whole body relaxed for a brief moment at the realization, before he saw himself quaking with the intensity of his own sobs, until he saw Kara again. 

“...That’s it, Simon… You’re okay… Just breathe… Just keep breathing…” Kara encouraged.

‘...j-julia…?’ 

“Jared’s taking care of her. Don’t worry about that… Just focus on calming down now…”

‘...useless… another android because… because… And Connor… Connor knew… Because he knows… Only he didn’t take… He knows because he sees… the eyes… k-keep them away or--or they’ll get me and they burn and if I can’t... m-maybe it would be good if I can’t because then I couldn’t-- then I wouldn’t…’ 

“Shhh… You’re not making sense, Simon… Look at me… Don’t speak… Don’t think about anything except breathing, okay…? Or is that too much for you right now too…?”

Question. He’d been asked a question. Questions needed answers. Good answers. Because bad answers meant bad things. Bad things would happen to him, only he didn’t know what Kara wanted! He… he was tired!

‘I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know I don’t--‘ 

His throat burned as he tried to take in air, hoping that by breathing, he might mitigate the harm of his unsatisfactory answer. It stopped burning every now and again, but only when the burning picked up was he ever alive… Or awake… Consciousness was weird. When he didn’t dream, it was kind of like being dead. So he couldn’t always tell death from sleep. But when there was burning, there was Kara’s voice, soft and calm, and somehow dangerous in a way he couldn’t wrap his head around. 

“Markus is almost here, Simon… He’ll take you home, where you can calm down more comfortably, and rest until you’re feeling better… Everything is going to be okay…”

He was able to grasp onto Markus name before he passed out again. He wasn’t sure how many times he’d passed out again after until he was pretty sure he could hear Markus. A hand caressed his cheek with Markus’ voice, and he instinctively leaned into it, before he could remind himself to keep up his guard. The voice seemed to like that, showering him with praise. Maybe he could stay awake a bit longer this time… Being awake to this voice wasn’t so bad…

“That’s it, Si… You’re breathing so well… I’ve got you now… Let’s get you back home now, okay…?”

Simon hummed wordlessly, allowing himself to be led to somewhere new. He wasn’t sure where, but this good Markus-voice said it was home. Markus was home. So wasn’t he already home? Markus made him feel so much safer. Somehow he found himself lying down. Lying down with a hand running through his hair, the familiar itch of Markus’ trench coat against his skin, as soothing words were being whispered in his ear. It was impossible for him to resist the call of sleep. His frame was heavy with sleep, and Markus was just so soft. He didn’t even have time to fully process where he was or how he’d gotten there, as he nodded off again. The next time he woke up, he did feel more rested. Although he didn’t quite understand how he’d wound up in his bed. He didn’t remember getting home from work, and he certainly didn’t remember getting into bed. 


	106. Good Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus takes Simon home.

‘...Markus…?’

The taste of thirium was thick on Simon’s tongue. 

“Hey Si… You up for real, now…? How are you feeling…?”

‘How did I get here…? I taste thirium…’

“I got a call from Kara while you were at work. She said she was called to your office by Jared, and came to find you bleeding on the ground. I think you had a bit of a panic attack… But it’s okay. You’re safe now, and you have nothing to--“

‘Julia!’

Simon shot up at the realization.

“What?”

‘She-- she-- I didn’t want to leave her alone! I didn’t want--She must be so scared! Markus, I have to get back to the Center! I--‘

“Easy, Si… You don’t have to go anywhere… Kara said Jared took over your patient, if that’s who you’re referring to… This was all too soon… You’re entitled to take some time to rest…”

‘N-no! I-I have to go back! You don’t understand! I have to go back! She--she’s different, and… And she’s proof that I have to go back! There are things out there! Bad things and it’s not even the RK900, and that’s why I passed out; because I realized and nobody realizes, but Connor! He gets it and that’s worse because he can--he has--so if he knows to evaluate like that, and I-I need to--‘

Markus couldn’t even follow Simon with how frantically he went on. 

“Okay, Si… But before we think about that, you’ve just said a lot of things… Let’s break this down… This patient… Julia…? How is she different…? Different from what…? Try to explain it a bit slowly… Slowly and clearly…”

‘She… She didn’t… She wasn’t… Someone attacked her… Destroyed a good part of her frame… And--and they weren’t a human. An android did it… Because he was a newer model, and he thought she was useless… So it was okay to hurt her. She still can’t hear… She’s scared… But she’s already so much better… There are other androids out there who think like that! Connor thinks like that! He--he knew it would upset me to know, and he--‘

“Shhhh… Let’s stay on track for a minute. We’ll get back to that soon, but first… To be completely clear on the subject, maybe I just see if I’m understanding this right…? A woman named Julia came into the repair center after having been attacked by another android. She was scared, and somehow Connor told you details regarding the case, most specifically the motive in the attack. The talk of harm, and utility freaked you out, and now you want to go back for fear both for yourself, and for her…?”

Simon couldn’t wrap his head around how Markus could sound so calm about this? He seemed to understand, but his voice was gentle and measured, without an ounce of concern. Simon didn’t know what to make of it.

‘...y-yeah… And I-I know I only proved his point by panicking, b-but I can be better! If I can just get back to work, I can be better, and then maybe no one will-- It was acid, Markus-- Acid everywhere like eyes through thirium lines because it was made for useless Androids, and I can’t be--Veronica knew about it. She--she’d seen it before! I didn’t ask how she knew… B-but if anyone else knows then they-- There’s no warning… She burned from touching the body! Just by touching it! Touching anything! And--‘

“Hey! Relax, Si… Listen… I hear your concerns, and I think the best thing to do would be to stay home… Look at yourself; you’re shaking. I don’t think this is healthy for you right now. You need to see that resting isn’t going to hurt you. Being afraid isn’t going to hurt you. Nothing is going to hurt you. That’s your job right now: understanding, that no matter what you do, you’re safe and loved.”

‘I… I’m not safe… I panicked again… I-I saw… I don’t want… I’m… scared… I need to be stronger… You just… you don’t know things… Like Tommy said… He said you think I’m brave… B-but I’m not… I’m scared all the time… And I’m weak and I lose myself, and then I bleed and pass out, and then everyone knows they can hurt me!’

Markus sighed. He didn’t know what to say. Simon couldn’t have seen a worse patient, given the circumstances. It was like a reinforcement of every awful thought that would run through his head. It was… frustrating how something so… random could have such a strong effect on his mindset, while Markus’ words meant nothing to him. It was like whatever he said, no matter how often he said it, there was no way he could possibly get it through to Simon that he was finally safe. Except he knew that his frustration was unfair. Simon was trying his hardest, but regardless, it wasn’t Simon’s fault he still hadn’t come to fully trust him yet… Defeated and burning with self-loathing, Markus sagged onto the bed, not having given up on Simon, but on the verge of giving up on himself. 

‘...M-markus…?’

Simon’s hand was clammy as he clasped it fearfully around Markus’ arm. 

“Yeah, Si…?”

‘...I-I know you know I’m lying…’ 

“What…? You’re lying…? So then what really happened…?”

‘...n-no… I mean about how I said I could get better… That I can be stronger and go to work, and not be a… Markus, I… I want to be fair to you… I’m not going to get better. I-I can’t get better… And you need to hear that from me… Because… you’re tired… I know you are… And you’ve been so good, and so patient, and you shouldn’t have to be… I… I’m sorry…’

“No, Simon, it’s not that! You--you’re doing great, really, and I know you will get better. Just at your own pace. I am tired… But it’s not your fault… It’s mine… I just… Do you think you’re ready for a heart to heart…? It’s nothing bad, I just… I’m upset with myself, and… I know it isn’t fair, but… I just want to talk… Because I’m… not feeling good about myself right now…”

Simon hadn’t expected the conversation to go in that direction. Markus was… upset with himself…? What had he done wrong in any of this, aside from having made the wrong decision in a romantic partner…? Nothing. So if there was anything Markus really intended to resolve by talking with Simon, it would be to end this. End them. What a shitty time to break up with him… Not that there would have even been a good time… Markus should have never gotten with him in the first place. Although that was probably why Markus was upset with himself. The timing sucked, and he’d made a poor decision. He hated making poor decisions, and, more than that, he hated announcing it when he had.

Simon now understood the meaning of a broken heart. It did feel like something had broken inside him. Actually, kind of like his thirium pump, analogous to a human heart. Like the biocomponent itself had somehow made his thirium go bad. Bad thirium was building up inside him, and building up, rotting his thirium lines, until they bowed under the weight, twisting in knots, and just… Just wrong… He felt like he was going to be sick. Only he couldn’t be sick. Because he needed to be fair to Markus. To make sure Markus knew he wasn’t bound to him. To make sure Markus knew he had every right to move on. 

‘...what’s wrong…?’

Simon his insides lurch as he willed himself to ask. 

“I’m… upset with myself that I’m not enough… I’m not good enough, and I know it. Everything I say… I could say a million things and never get through to you, but then some random person can come along and say their piece, and their words rock your world… W-what am I doing wrong, Simon? How can I be better? Because I just want… I want you to hear me. And I hate that I want you to hear me because it’s my fault you can’t, and I know you don’t owe me to hear, so I shouldn’t be tired, and I shouldn’t be frustrated, but I just want to know how to fix whatever I’m doing wrong. Tell me what to do, and I’ll do it…?”

Simon could feel his thirium pump beginning to clear out the gunk, as if fixed by some miracle, but that only made it worse. Now he had to fight to actively keep it broken, because whatever damage had been done, it would only get worse if he attempted to patch it up with the soiled bandage of false hope. 

‘...w-what…? I… I don’t understand…?’

“Julia… Whatever she told you resonated with you so strongly… I just… I wish what I said could have an effect of a similar magnitude. You’re my boyfriend. So I should be able to figure out how to talk to you… I’ve been trying to figure it out on my own, but it’s come to the point, where I figured I’d be better off asking you directly. What am I doing wrong…?”

It was getting harder to maintain his broken heart. He wouldn’t be able to hold back the hope for much longer. 

‘...I’m… your boyfriend…?’

“I… Aren’t we…? I mean, I know I’m not great at it, but I thought… I mean I’ve never had a boyfriend before you, you know that, but from my understanding we’ve been…?”

The hurt in Markus’ voice made Simon think his heart was going to burst with the strain, the war between hope and fear peaking in intensity. 

‘I’m  _ still _ your boyfriend…?’

“Still? Wait… Did you think…? What did you think I was going to say…? Simon…? Did you think I was breaking up with you?”

‘...a little… You’re… you’re not…? Because you can if you want… Should. You should if you want… Because you have the right to be happy, and--‘

“Simon! No! I am not breaking up with you! I love you! That’s what I’m trying to figure out, though. How can I get stuff like that through to you? I’m just… Even with telling you I love you…? How do I get you to really understand it…?”

Simon sighed. He wasn’t sure he knew the answer, himself… He wasn’t sure he could ever understand that… Except maybe for now, that wasn’t the issue. He… didn’t have the problem… For once he wasn’t the one in need of help… Markus needed help… He needed to somehow help Markus understand… 

‘You… can’t… You’re forgetting a key detail… I’m a disaster. I’m perpetually scared, insecure, depressed, anxious, emotionally exhausted, easily overwhelmed, and a number of similar adjectives I see no need to continue listing. Someone can tell me something that reaffirms my outlook on myself and the world around me., and I’ll readily agree, and build off of it. But tell me I’m safe...? Tell me I’m loved…? Tell me I deserve good things like you…? That goes against my whole world view… You can get it into my head for a short amount of time, but my insecurities will drown it out before long. That’s not your fault, and it shouldn’t be your problem. I guess I need to try harder to make sure it doesn’t become your problem…’

“That’s… not how this works… I know that much… We’re a team, Si… Your problems are my problems and my problems are your problems… We face the world together, hand in hand, sharing in everything, good and bad... I... know there's nothing I can do to make you feel better sooner… I know I shouldn’t expect you to see the world in a better light so soon, but… I was just… scared at the realization how one woman’s story can set us back so far that even a million words of comfort wouldn’t be enough to make you feel secure… I… I know it’s not your fault, and I don’t want you to think I need you, or even expect you to fast-track your way along the path to healing. But sometimes I feel that it’s my fault, and that I make it feel like it’s your fault, and that I suck for making you feel it’s your fault and feed into your insecurities because of my own incompetence, and--“

‘Markus… You don’t suck, and this isn’t your fault… I think we’re just… I’m just… I… have issues... Lots of issues… And it’s not your fault if sometimes I’m not coping as well as you’d like me to… If you love me--‘

“--I do--” Markus interjected. 

‘--I… can imagine how seeing me like this would be… upsetting… If you don’t want to… to break up with me… And if you say we share equally in our problems… Then it would make sense that you’re… frustrated at how things are… At how things have been… And at how easily I can… break… I break easy… I know I do… So don’t feel bad for feeling bad… I… I’m trying… To get better… But you can be upset when trying isn’t enough… Please know that… I… don’t want you feeling bad for feeling...You have every right to…’

Markus found himself in tears.

“You’re an asshole, Si! You make it so easy to hate myself! Especially when, after a rough day, I try to start a conversation, only to word things so that you completely misinterpret them, and yet you still have the strength to be so articulate and… thoughtful! Ugh! You need to stop being so mature in our relationship, or you’re just going to prove what an inconsiderate jerk I am! Throw a tantrum! Call me names! Do something to let me know you’re not the patient hug-shaped man lying next to me!”

Simon laughed, air leaving his system, his body somehow lighter with its absence. 

‘Uhhhh… I can try to throw a tantrum every now and again if it’ll make you feel better…? As for names…? I… How about…? Cuddlebug? That’s a name…’

“I meant mean names! Like something not so nice!’

‘Bugs aren’t always very nice…’ Simon offered. 

Markus raised an eyebrow, a sarcastic grin on his face.

“So you don’t like my cuddles…? I’m sorry... I can stop...”

‘Hey! No fair! I’m just trying to be a good boyfriend and call you names like you ask, and then you go and threaten to revoke my cuddle privileges…’

“Fine, fine… You’re right… Besides… it’s no fun to enter sleep mode without an arm around you…”

‘What does a cuddlebug even look like…?’

“Maybe like a butterfly with heart-shaped wings. Oh! And super fuzzy like those chubby bumble bees. And eight arms like a spider for extra hugs. A fuzzy huggy lovey thing!” 

Simon snickered at the imagery. 

‘Okay. I will spend the next seven months hand-sewing a costume of that if you’ll wear it out for Halloween! You could go to the Center and help the YKs “trick or treat” around the area. Trick or Treating with Markus the Cuddlebug! RA9, that is too fucking cute!’

“Deal. I’m down for that. Can I watch you sew…? I don’t actually know how to, myself, and I’ve never seen you do it before…”

‘It’s boring… I could teach you if you want, but in all honesty I probably wouldn’t do it either if it weren’t both useful in some cases, and a vestige of my programming…’

“I think that’d be fun…”

“What’d be fun…?”

‘North…? What are you doing here…?’

Simon hadn’t noticed her walk into the room. From the looks of it, neither had Markus. 

“I could ask you the same question. What gives…? Markus said you were going to work…”

Markus felt a pang of annoyance at the question. North had been comparatively tame recently, so this unwelcome jab felt particularly jarring. 

“Simon came home early. He did a really good job on some tech work, apparently with that friend you recommended, and there wasn’t much else to do today beyond that.”

“Is that why there are traces of thirium on his chin that look at least an hour or two old…?”

Simon covered his face, as if to hide the evidence, if not so that she wouldn’t know it was there, then at the very least so she’d quit staring. He didn’t know how to tell her that her eyes hurt. Acid burning through the frame like… a bullet, on a straight path, zooming into its target. A bullet coated in acid…? A bullet coated in that thirium-acid would easily get into his thirium lines, contaminating the thirium as cycled through his pump, acid circulating throughout his body, acid pouring out with thirium from the wound, burning and burning and melting him away and too hot--no, not hot, but burning… How could something burn without being hot? It just felt bad. Overwhelmingly bad. Eyes watering, head swimming, throbbing, pulsing, wrong… If the DPD was following Julia’s case, then surely they knew about the acid. If they had known sooner, just a few months sooner, even… 

Simon could feel his jaw melting, molten, it was molten a few weeks ago, only Markus had said it was just the solder. Solder was just molten metal though. So if acid burnt his jaw, it wouldn’t be much different. Once they were done with him, they could use the acid to melt his whole body. If his parts weren’t good enough, soiled by their connection to his worthless body, they could cleanse his worthlessness by melting him alive with acid, turning his frame into solder. His remains would hold together Androids. Ironic how he’d be killed so his corpse could hold others together all because whenever it mattered, he could never hold himself together.

They must have already started. He could picture Josh hiding under the bed where he had the other night. Josh would be able to maneuver in and out, unhindered by his stupid neckbrace--another sign of his weakness. Josh would slip out and skillfully slip a thirium line into the back of his neck while he lay here panicking about acid that wasn’t there. Acid that wasn’t there until Josh stuck the needle further until it pierced his throat. Laced with acid, once the needle had entered its target, he would pump Simon full of thirium, which would become acid, keeping him from breathing as it began to melt him from the inside out. He could feel it. He could taste it. 

He was melting. Tears ran down his face, as he didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t swallow the acid-- then it would only creep further down towards his thirium pump--, but he couldn’t let it pour. It’d melt his face off, and he needed his face! So he held his breath. Clenching his jaw, he’d keep the acid in his mouth… At least until it burnt through his jaw entirely. It was heavy. He was melting, he knew it. Burning through his teeth, it felt warm as it trickled down his lips. It was almost like a tingling, as if itching at something in his programming, coaxing him to open his mouth and--

“...Simon…”

Simon knew Markus was speaking to him now, but all he heard was his own name, spoken with a tinge of urgency. He needed Markus, as if Markus could make the acid stop. Markus could make the acid stop! Markus could see he was burning and stop it. He could take Simon back to the Center where they would clean out all the acid, and heal his burns, and then they could escape… Escape… They couldn’t escape… Because this was their home… Or at least it was Markus’ home… And Markus was his home… He didn’t need to escape here… He needed to escape his own weakness. Only he didn’t know how he could do that… He just didn’t know... 

The itch of the acid seemed to sink into the servos in his lower lip. It trembled, struggling to hold back the deadly flow, but he was tired, and he didn’t know where to run, and he just kept stealing time for nothing because he was afraid of nothing, but the nothing was coming, and he knew it wouldn't stop. It wouldn’t stop until it took him and never let him go. Let him go. He had accidentally let himself go. And now the acid was going down. Back down his throat, and into his ventilation system, until he found himself sputtering out thirium in an attempt to get a few last breaths of air. Time seemed to jump, as he continued to choke, but in the back of his mind, he knew someone must have walked him here. Here…? Where was here…? He was… in the air… He didn’t want to be in the air! Something stabbed into his head, sending a jolt through his mind, followed by darkness. 

Markus collapsed in time with the pieces of Simon’s frame, which fell in a heap onto the clothes strewn across the ground in a shower of thirium. Josh, however, seemed completely unfazed, already pressing a suction filter to his ventilation system in the hopes that it would clear out some of the thirium. Something must have caught his eye, because he began prodding at a bicomponent Markus didn’t recognize, inspecting it suspiciously in a way that made Markus nervous. Had Simon aggravated his injuries from earlier in the week? Or had he been dismissed from the Repair Center too early? Something was wrong… It… looked like something was wrong… Markus didn’t know how else to describe it. Tech shit wasn’t his thing. So really, he had no idea what he was looking at. Hopefully he didn’t know what he was looking at…?

“Josh…?”

“Yep… This has been happening since he got home…?”

“B-before that… This has been happening practically since he first woke up at the Center… I-I don’t know--Jared said he was fine… And I thought-- Like he did more repairs after that, but I thought just… I mean, he… I don’t…”

“No no… Jared wasn’t wrong-- At least, not with what he was working with. Scans wouldn’t have picked up on this; it’s the mods. I can see that now. I should have thought of this before… When Nines was choking Simon, he was struggling for air in a really bad way…”

Markus clenched his jaw a bit too tight. 

“I… know Josh… What else would he have--“

“No. That’s not what I mean… He really didn’t want to die… The android body, strong as it might have been built to be, isn’t meant to handle a strain like that… His ventilation system should have been totaled, but you made it sound like Jared didn’t even touch it. And he didn’t. Because his ventilator hadn’t been hurt. No damage. Can’t say the same for the mods I built, though… Those things are gone. And they’re tearing his ventilation system and the surrounding biocomponents apart… I can fix them, and add in a few safeguards to prevent this from happening again… It shouldn’t take more than a few hours, and he’ll be even better than before by the time I’m done. It’s good we caught this here and now, where he’s safe and has easy access to technical care…”

That… was good… All in all, it was good to have this information, and even better that it could so easily be repaired… But… Hearing this… knowing that each time he’d seen Simon like that this week, it had actually been a result of the physical manifestation of such a raw fear for his own life… That hurt… More than he could put into words…


	107. PL600s

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> North reveals what’s really going on.

“...is Simon okay…? I mean, I know he isn’t okay, but like, is he going to be…?”

North stood beside the doorframe, faking an apathy Markus knew had no real bite to it. 

“He’ll be fine… But I told you to get out! It’s bad enough Markus is sitting in on a repair session the way things are, but if he refuses to leave, then at the very least, he doesn’t need you to--“

“Why…?”

Josh seemed confused.

“Why what, Markus…?”

“Why did you do it, North…?”

“Well, I didn’t expect him to explode or anything just because I asked a stupid question… And besides, he hasn’t done that crap in weeks now… He was getting better, y’know…”

“No. He definitely could have died if I hadn’t noticed this when I did. But go on…”

North growled at the barb Josh of course had to shoot back, waiting for Markus to shake it off before continuing. 

“I thought he could handle it…”

Markus took a deep breath, realizing that, as usual, he had so much more to worry about on top of Simon and his recovery. 

“You haven’t done this crap half as much as you used to either… What gives…? What’s really going on…?”

“You got a call from the DPD office. I picked up, and it was Nines. He said the details were classified, but asked for you specifically. So I told him to fuck right off, and that if he tried our number again, he’d better sleep with one eye open because I know where he lives, and have a sword still hungry for seconds.”

“You what?!?” Both Markus and Josh shared a horrified reaction, but North just shrugged, waiting for them to calm down before adding. 

“I… also think that Nines might have a boyfriend. Apparently a fellow officer, who sees the term ‘partner’ as applying to more than just detective work…”

“A boyfriend…?”

Markus didn’t know what to make of this seemingly extraneous information.

“Yeah. He sounds like a massive prick. Came right out of the gates with a ‘What the fuck is wrong with you?’, only he couldn’t even say it right. I told him the reason humans don’t let their babies cuss was because it just sounds weird with their tiny ass speech impediments, and that really got him going. I think the dude’s got a complex. ‘I’ll have you know, I’m taller than your scrawny metal ass, and I could kick your ass with one hand tied behind my back, so if you give my partner shit again I’ll show you what’s what!’ Eventually, he started to really get on my nerves, so I told him to go fuck himself, careful to annunciations my vowels as clearly as possible, and hung up on him. I think he must’ve called like thirty times after that, but I just let ‘em all go to voicemail…”

Markus groaned in exasperation.

“And you don’t think you could have just told me this, instead…? North, on what planet is that an acceptable way to talk to people! RA9, and Detective Reed is the most difficult member of the DPD! According to Connor, he still goes around calling me RoboJesus.”

“You kinda are RoboJesus…” Josh pitched in. 

“No, I’m not! But even if I were, it doesn’t mean people should call me that! More to the point, how long ago did Nines call?”

“Three-ish hours ago… I didn’t tell you straight away because I knew you’d be pissed.”

“Right now, I’m beyond pissed… I just… don’t know…”

Markus was torn. He wanted to go to his room to deal with the Nines business in private, but every circuit in his body screamed to stay beside Simon. Simon. Simon begging not to be put into sleep mode, that he could handle the pain awake, that he wouldn’t scream, but please, not to let Jared remove any biocomponents for repairs… sweat condensing against a pale face, screwed up with pain and gasping desperately for a cooling breath, struggling against the pain, against the scream it had relentlessly tried to pull from his threat. Because if he screamed… No, _when_ he had screamed…

“I-I’ll deal with it from here… I’m going to message Nines… I’ll try to deescalate this… mess… North…”

Markus looked to her, his eyes pleading for any sign that she understood the predicament she’d put him in. Not to rub it in her face, but just so that he wouldn’t be alone in the knowledge that he couldn’t leave here now, even though he knew he should be having this conversation over the phone properly, preferable in private. North closed her eyes and nodded back, a silent acknowledgement, before walking away. 

‘Hey Nines… I was just informed you called…? Is everything alright…?’

‘I-I didn’t mean to bother you… I’m sorry, it’s just that… there was a case and we can’t… no I don’t need to put this on you… I… understand if you’re…’

‘No. I want to hear it. I’m sorry if North gave you trouble. She can be… a lot, but only because she’s still a bit… well, how do I put this… Some people aren’t as quick to warm up to someone who tried to kill them earlier in the week, even if it wasn’t their fault… But I can assure you her hostility is not reflective of anyone but herself. What do you need…?’

‘I… I just wanted to know… Do you recall hearing about the PL600 who murdered a father and took his small child hostage at 1554 Park Av. last August…?’

‘...Actually, yeah… Yeah, I-I do… Carl was watching the news on tv as it happened, and I remember he called the father an asshole. I didn’t understand back then, how he could watch a murder and blame the victim, and he told me that it might have sucked that the guy was murdered, but that didn’t take away from the fact that he was an asshole. Rationally, it made sense, but it still felt… felt…? Yes, I think it felt weird…’

Markus felt horrible for all parties involved, but… he was glad to think back on the memory. He might not have agreed with the Android’s actions, but even then, he felt for them as much as he did the human. As if both were victims to the cruel system that had led them to where they’d wound up. 

‘Well, we’ve been receiving complaints from residents at Ford Park of a PL600 who fits his description hiding in the bushes, and making the children uncomfortable. Gavin and I have been given the case, since Hank refused to let Connor be involved, but from what we’ve learned of the Phillips incident, we don’t believe Daniel would take kindly to an intervention by any form of law enforcement. He hasn’t caused anyone harm, nor does he appear to intend to. He’s just… watching… He looks sad, and we don’t mean to cause trouble, so Gavin suggested we ask you to try and talk to him, and see if you can get him to understand why he can’t skulk around staring at children.’

‘I… didn’t know he was still alive. I wouldn’t have thought anyone could survive a fall like that…’

Markus suddenly regretted watching the scene with Carl, the image of a shot-up PL600 falling back to what seemed to be a certain death seventy stories below shoving its way into the forefront of his mind. 

‘...But yes… I think that might be good… Thank you for bringing this to my attention. Also, please, apologize to Detective Reed on my behalf for what, based on North’s description I can assume was less than civil discourse…’

‘It’s not your fault, nor hers… I still have not told Gavin about what happened at CyberLife Tower… He thought she was discriminating against me simply because of my resemblance to Connor, and, well, he can be… Well, ummm, Officer Chen calls it territorial, although I’m unaware of any territory she might be referring to. Anyway, Captain Fowler would like to see you to personally explain the legality of how you, as a civilian, are specifically permitted to assist in this matter. Would you be available to be at the DPD office by 8:00am tomorrow morning…?’

Markus frowned. How the hell would he explain that to the others? How the hell would he explain that to Simon? He supposed it didn’t matter. The priority was getting help for Daniel. His behavior wasn’t normal, and it was clear something wasn’t right with him. Not to mention, if no one had tried to approach him, he was likely severely damaged from the fall… 

‘Yes. I’ll see you there… Thank you, Nines… You’re doing a wonderful job… It seems this work suits you…’

‘Thank you, Markus… thank you…’

Nines seemed like he had wanted to say more, but didn’t know how. The gratitude in his voice, coupled with the empathy with which he had handled this situation left no doubt in Markus’ mind that he was now alive. Nines had become his own person, and a good person too, so it seemed. So at least that was good. They really had saved a life. 

“Have you recently been to Ford Park…?” 

Markus turned suddenly towards Josh. 

“Yes, because I’ve had so much free time lately…”

The sarcasm in Josh’s voice was actually quite subtle given the soft monotone of his voicemail as his focus was clearly elsewhere. 

“Well, the DPD got several calls of a deviant disturbing children in the park. He appears to be homeless and in need of repair, and they fear he wouldn’t respond well to police officers, but that he might respond better if New Jericho comes to him personally to offer him support. Nines was given the case, and he wanted to reach out to us to ask if we’d be willing to help…”

Josh hummed in response, somewhat apathetic now that it was clear the calls didn’t mean anything they’d need to worry about. He had his own matters to deal with, specifically the mass of wiring hanging in front of him that he knew on some level was the core of his first real friend. Markus seemed to understand, keeping a silent eye on him and Simon as he continued to work, without further interruption. Watching gave Markus some relief, in a way. Sure, he was a total wuss when it came to tech work, but seeing how careful Josh was, how he seemed to double check and triple check, and really take the time to make sure he knew what he was doing… It was reassuring. Like even if Josh still didn’t get the whole comfort aspect of tech, he truly did put his heart in his work. He saw Simon in the wires, and as such, he didn’t mess around. 

It made him feel a bit less bad about telling Josh to deal with Simon, while he and the others dealt with Nines. Dealt with… On second thought maybe not. Deal with was his least favorite verb to use with regard to another person. Reducing them to a passive object, worse yet, a problem. Not deal with. Repair. He had let Josh repair Simon. And that much was… not ideal, but not the worst… Because if he hadn’t brought Josh along, Simon would have definitely died at the scene… So at least, even if he didn’t get the comfort he’d needed, he was alive to receive all the love he deserved and more now that everyone was safe at home. No… Markus scolded himself for even indulging the thought. Comfort was a necessity. Simon had practically been hurt worse by Josh than by Nines. It was just that looking at the wiring… Wires always looked so fragile, and he was just so grateful that, at the end of the day, cased back up in the frame, hidden underneath a layer of artificial skin, wires would become a person he could love and hold, and feel wrapped up in the safety of his arms. 

The wires felt magnetic. Like he was drawn to them, his hands manipulated of a will not entirely his own, palms opened, fingers reaching out pulled to entwine themselves in the mess of copper, rubber, silicone, and thirium that just loosely resembled the form of a hand. But he forced himself to hold back, not wanting to distract Josh as he worked. Markus wondered if tech work seemed to slow time for the techs as much as it did for him as a bizarre sort of spectator… Nines said a fellow officer had referred to Gavin as a territorial boyfriend. Except territorial was the wrong word. It was more like a mix between possessive and protective. He didn’t really know about the nature of the relationship between Gavin and Nines, but it was almost amusing to realize that, sitting here, watching over his partner, in that moment, he was the embodiment of a possessive-protective boyfriend. The thought gave him an odd combination of pride and embarrassment. Like Simon was his boyfriend, and he only wanted good things for him, and he’d be damned if he was going to let anyone or anything cause him harm, but… He also knew that it was a bit weird, staring on as Josh did some tech shit he didn’t understand in the least. 

Markus felt a tinge of relief as he saw Josh reach for a piece of Simon’s frame, beginning to put everything back together. It was easier this time, with the neckbrace still holding the casing around his neck in place. He had a place to start from. So piece by piece, the wiring took on a humanoid form, until Josh thankfully remembered to set Simon’s body onto the examination table before placing the last piece, allowing Simon to wake up without the sensation of his body suspended in the air. Blue eyes blinked hazily, and Simon reflexively curled in on himself, groaning at a newfound tightness in his chest. That was the first thought in his mind, before wondering where he was, how he’d gotten there, and why he seemed to be topless… His chest was too tight… It felt wrong, and it hurt… But somehow, it was easier to breathe. It didn’t make sense… 

“Simon, are you awake…?”

‘...what happened…?’

“It didn’t show up on scans when Jared looked you over, but your mods were damaged when… when you were injured last week. That’s what’s been making it harder for you to breathe recently. Josh fixed it, and did some tech stuff so that this won’t happen again, and you shouldn’t… uhh… You shouldn’t have… any problems with… thirium anymore…”

Problems with thirium…? Right… That’s how he’d gotten here… North had come into his room, and then he just… exploded… He kept exploding… So now Josh had fixed him so that wouldn’t happen again…? That was good… Even if it hurt… But then there was the question of North… He missed most of what she had said to Markus because he couldn’t breathe, and didn’t know what was going on… 

‘North…?’

“I’ll explain that to you later… Can you stand…? Let’s get you to your room, now…”

Simon couldn’t summon the nerve to unfold himself. It just felt wrong, like getting up would increase the tightness until it snapped his torso in two. 

‘I… I think I’m good here… Just for a little bit…’

‘Here, I’ll help you… I’ve got you, okay…?’

Markus slipped his arm under Simon’s body, helping him into an upright position, before slowly using his hand to guide Simon slowly to his feet. 

‘I can’t explain it, but it feels like I can’t move… Like, I can move, but… It’s like someone coated my central wiring in concrete and I don’t want it to break…’

‘It must be the reinforcements Josh added to make sure you don’t get hurt like that again. You’re okay, though… You’ll readjust soon enough, especially with a bit of rest… Your system probably just needs a bit of time to recalibrate, taking into account the new structural changes. You’re so strong, Si, and we’re almost there…’

Simon wrapped his arms awkwardly around Markus, still somewhat bent over, letting Markus help support his weight, as they made their way to the bedroom. Markus didn’t bother dressing Simon, or even reactivating his skin, as he placed him into bed. Simon needed rest, and truthfully, so did he. Tomorrow would be a lot for him, and he needed to be ready… Tomorrow… 

“Simon, I think you should stay home tomorrow, just to give yourself some extra time to recover…”

‘I… don’t know… I… I want to be useful… And they’re probably going to try to repair Julia’s auditory processor tomorrow, so--‘

“I have complete faith that Jared can handle that one on his own, especially since you already got the ball rolling, so to speak… Just give yourself another day… Just one more day…” 

‘But what would I do here…? Are you going to be prepping for your Cyberlife Meeting…? Because I think I can help with that now…”

Markus had no idea what to say. He didn’t want to lie, but… He didn’t think Simon was ready to hear about it just yet… He could tell Simon in the morning. Once he’d healed a bit more. He’d tell him then so he wouldn’t have the night to worry. And a little overnight misdirection was different from a lie, right…?

“Yeah… You can help me with that tomorrow if you’d like. No pressure, though… We can sleep in, and see where we want to go from there. Sound good…?”

‘Yeah… Sounds good. I… think I’m a little tired…’

“Me too. Time to make room for two in there, because I’m going to call it a night…”

Markus slipped under the covers, and Simon held his breath as Markus wrapped an arm around his sore upper chest, sighing in relief as he came to see that somehow, Markus managed to make it feel just a little bit better, in a way that only he could. Simon melted into the touch, lulled into sleep mode at the physical reminder that there was something soft there to hold him together. Markus could feel the ease in tension, tracing the junctions where one piece of frame met another. Slightly worn, but sturdy nonetheless. Even by touch alone, there was something about it distinctly Simon. He loved it. He loved being able to know the feel of Simon like that. How intimate in a way that no human words could really describe. How… beautiful… He loved it. He loved Simon. He loved Simon so much… It was warm. Good warm. His heart was nice and toasty, and he found it calling him to sleep. 


	108. Rest for the Restless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Markus rarely sleep well

> _Markus opened his eyes--eye?-- to find he was in what appeared to be a scrapyard… He ignored the errors; he didn’t feel the pain, or even notice the missing biocomponents, really, if not for the frame-splitting ringing in his ears and the red tint to his vision. He didn’t even really care, to be honest. He’d been here before, and he’d made his way out. And that was before he even had anyone to lean on. Simon would make sure the others would look for him. Hell, much as he disliked thinking of himself as a public figure, it was true that once he was reported missing, the whole country would start searching, at least until North or Josh stepped up in his place, inadvertently making the world forget he ever existed._
> 
> _He didn’t even have an urgent need to piece himself together this time, because he did know help was coming. And he knew he had a place to go. He would be safe, at least for a little while. Except something felt different this time. It was weird. Like a subtle pulsing in the stumps where his legs had been. Maybe pulsing was the wrong word. It felt like someone had tied a rope to his servos, and slowly begun to pull, tucking the remnants of his limbs into his chest as the inner mechanisms coiled. It didn’t hurt, at least, not at first, but as they coiled tighter, his legs went numb, the numbness interrupted only by sudden bursts of pain. He tried to sit himself up to investigate the damage, but withered biocomponents--limbs, wires, joints; anything that could grab ahold of him-- shot up from beneath the mass of broken bodies and held him down, immobile._
> 
> _He didn’t understand why the coiling kept going, long after his limbs had been pressed painfully to his chest, hard enough to leave dents in his frame, but the insulation in his wiring had begun to tear at the strain, until the metal of one wire meshed with that of another, crossing the circuits, and ramping up the pain until it was unbearable. He struggled against the biocomponents restraining him to force his legs back down, but he didn’t have the strength, as the coils kept rolling, wires tangling, until he was sure there was no more wiring in his legs to add to the mess. Well, not sure. He was in too much pain to really be sure of anything. But he really really felt like he couldn’t take anymore. Like he would come undone. And when he felt a pop at his hips, he was pretty sure he’d been right._
> 
> _Only somehow the pain seemed to triple in intensity, as the coiled wires whipped upwards, slapping against the lower half of his ventilation, the servos in his lower body breaking free from his frame, and clattering inside him. He was pretty sure he had blacked out, because he could feel his eye roll into the back of his head, and then there was a moment of reprieve. He could breathe, and the pain seemed to fade, until… something different… It hadn’t disappeared. No. The pain had just changed into something else instead… His wires had become… alive… But like, different than he was alive. They were still a part of him--he needed them--, but the moved, not just of their own volition, but coordinated and deliberately in a way that almost resembled another being entirely._
> 
> _Serpentine, they seemed to slither slowly further up, growing with each inch of frame they had covered. Slithering was pins and needles. Pins and needles stabbing him, coupled with a burning need to stop it. His mind told his servos to lock in place, like muscles relaxing reflexively to counteract an overextension, but his mind wasn’t in control, and its command somehow only made the experience all the more painful. Breathless, and coated with a thick sheet of sweat and thirium, his brain kept shouting orders that his wires ignored. He needed it to stop! What was his body doing, and why couldn’t he make it stop!?!_
> 
> _‘Simon, please, help me; It hurts!’_
> 
> _He didn’t know if he could message, but anything was worth trying if it meant even an ounce of comfort._
> 
> _‘P-please… Get help… I-I’m scared!’_
> 
> _He wasn’t in control of this situation. He was helpless and in pain, and nobody knew where he was, and it was dark and he was alone, and it hurt. It hurt it hurt it hurt!_
> 
> _‘Please, Si, I-I-I need you… T-they’re almost at my neck…’_
> 
> _He was running out of wiring. What would happen when he ran out of wiring? He couldn’t take much more of this. It was too much. He found himself gagging at the sensation of something slinking up his throat. Panic made him struggle harder, which only seemed to make it worse. Wiring. The wiring had crawled up his throat, tendrils of electricity, creeping over his lower jaw, and locking it in place with what felt like bolts of lightning. But that didn't seem to be their plan. As if displeased, the tendrils gripped his jaw and yanked it, hard. Markus would’ve cried out in pain, but he was physically silenced by the wires closing off his throat. He couldn’t do this. It was agony, and while it felt like he could move, like he needed to move with all his strength to stop the snake of wiring that had wriggled free from his body, without his servos, he was paralyzed, all his mobility having been gifted to the snake. The snake that kept pulling until his jaw had been wrenched from its hinges._
> 
> _Roughly, the wiring pushed off his throat, to spring itself onto his lower jaw, but Markus didn’t even have time to wonder what would come next, when the wiring whipped around his useless body, squeezing tighter and tighter, denting deeper into his frame, until he knew the wires would become taut enough to slice clean through him. The pain was an agony beyond anything he’d ever felt before, but somehow, the scrapyard made it more unsettling. As the wires pulled tighter, coming closer to slashing his frame, thousands of broken voices began to pick up from all around him. A haunting echo, some of them hummed a staticky tune. A tune he knew too well. Lucy’s song for the dead, heavy and raw. The other voices just chanted, a chant that continued to build._
> 
> _One of us. One of us. One of us._
> 
> _Tighter and tighter and tighter, until finally, he could feel the wires snap back into a single line, having cut through any frame in their way._

Markus woke up with a start, his body tensing against a force that wasn’t there, until a shooting pain in his left arm sent him tumbling off the bed. His bed…? Oh. So he’d been dreaming… Just a dream… But, looking to his left, he knew he was very much not dreaming his arm hanging out of his sling, bent at an unnatural angle, by the looks of it, only held in place by the compression wrap Kara had placed around it a few days before. He could feel a bit of thirium pooling beneath his elbow, but couldn’t bring himself to unwrap his arm and see the damage. Placing the arm back in its sling sent a shooting pain through the limb, but the pain quickly subsided, once his arm was immobilized, so he decided he’d ignore it, and just hope for the best. It was already 6:00am, and he still had a lot to do before he left for the DPD. Namely, throw on his going out clothes and find a way to tell Simon. Because he had promised himself he would tell Simon. He didn’t want to lie about something like this. Thankfully, he still had time to come up with an explanation. A benign message to calm any apprehensions Simon might have about where he was going, that hopefully he wouldn’t even get to read until after Markus was already back home.

> _Simon knew something was wrong when he couldn’t see. He couldn’t see but somehow he could feel sound. Sound and touch had become the same, somehow. So he could feel-hear that he was moving. That something was pressing down on him, grinding him all over. Not like it was grinding every part of him--it was--, but more concerning, he was all over. He didn’t know why, but somehow he felt unwhole._
> 
> _“How’s your arm, North…?”_
> 
> _He could feel--no, hear Markus speaking…_
> 
> _“I’m fine… Besides, you should’ve seen the other guy!”_
> 
> _He heard North the loudest. And he was pretty sure he could feel her. Maybe she was closest…? He tried to speak, but no words came out._
> 
> _“Yeah. We did do a number on that bear trap trying to set you free... And you’re only hooked up to that thirium line as a fashion statement, and not because you lost a good two liters by the time we managed to get you out…”_
> 
> _North snarled at Josh, and suddenly Simon felt a burst of pain, coupled with two ear splitting claps of thunder._
> 
> _“Well, what about this other guy, huh? How about that?”_
> 
> _“North, please…”_
> 
> _Markus sounded sad… Simon didn’t understand it. What happened? He didn’t know what was going on…_
> 
> _“Can it, Markus! You’re the one who’s been too selfish to share this whole time. If it weren’t for your attachment to him, Simon would’ve never been useful to anyone…”_
> 
> _Useful? Attachment…?_
> 
> _“North, don’t be so hard on him. It’s not even like we got that much from Simon, anyway… By the time I was done, we did only manage to get a few ounces to work with…”_
> 
> _Ounces?_
> 
> _“Still, don’t you think Simon would’ve wanted to actually help someone instead of flinching away from his own shadow…?”_
> 
> _Would have…? Why the hypothetical…? Why couldn’t they just ask him…?_
> 
> _“He did always want to help people. And we didn’t even have to go through scrapyard parts this time thanks to him… Besides, Markus, we’re a democracy here. I know you know that. I’m proud of you… You’re handling this well… Would you like to have the honor of donating the rest to the Center…?”_
> 
> _Something felt wrong, and then everything was too tight._
> 
> _“I… should do that… He… He would have wanted… If we had to… And besides, it didn’t hurt… He won’t have to hurt anymore… But… You don’t understand… You didn’t know him like I did, even if you knew him for longer… He… He died before. He was so afraid of the nothing… There is no heaven for androids…”_
> 
> _“Well if there’s nothing, it’s not like there’s anything for him to be afraid of anymore. So we just put him out of his misery and provided a service for others. Win-win…”_
> 
> _Out of his misery…? But he wasn’t in the nothing… He was… solder… That was it… They had melted him to death for just a few ounces of solder… And North was joking about it, and Josh thought he was better off, and Markus barely even objected… He was stuck on North, stuck to North because she’d done some new dumbass stunt with a beartrap, and damaged herself, and now he might spend forever knowing that somehow that was considered more useful than him. He wasn’t even useful enough to deserve to live. He wasn’t a person. He was a commodity they’d perceived Markus to be keeping to himself until he finally decided to share… And now he was gone…_
> 
> _“Why don’t you stop by the club once you’re done…? Maybe you might meet someone new while you’re out there…?”_
> 
> _Josh thought he was that replaceable…? Not that he wasn’t, but that Josh thought so, and would say it outright, just hurt…_
> 
> _“I…I’ll think about it…”_
> 
> _He was moving… He knew that much. He couldn’t hear the others anymore._
> 
> _“I… I’m sorry, Si… I just… I was outvoted… I didn’t have a choice…”_
> 
> _Markus’ words burned Simon somehow, and then Simon remembered the acid. He had felt it. When Josh had burnt him down into this pile of metal. He’d cried out in pain, and clung to Markus, who held his hand, until the acid spread enough that he was no longer safe to touch. But the burning didn’t stop. He could feel himself breaking down, every inch of his body condensing into a molten was of pain… And that was that. Markus didn’t have a choice, and he didn’t have a say._

Instinctively, Simon kicked the blanket from his body, hyperventilating as he could feel his system overheating drastically. He… could move… And he could see. He was okay... Just burning up… That was it… He just needed to cool down… He grabbed a pouch of chilled thirium from the minifridge under his bed, and downed it as quickly as possible, pressing the still-cold empty pouch against his forehead in an attempt to get down his core temperature. Cool down, and breathe. Breathe to cool down. It was simple. He was fine… 


	109. Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon meets Nines

Walking into his closet, Simon reactivated his skin, and began to put on clothes, throwing on some pants, and buttoning up his shirt, when he heard something rustling nearby. Unnerved, without thinking, he bolted back to the safety of his bed. Rationally, he knew his bed didn’t actually provide any real safety, but it felt safe, and just wanted to dive under the covers because he just woke up and he was already overheating, and it was too early for this shit, not that he could’ve handled it at any time of day, but who was this and how had they gotten here, and come to think of it, Markus wasn’t in bed, so maybe someone had come to take him, and was in the building, planning to kill them all before Markus left for DC, and he--

“Simon, you’re awake… Are you alright? You look like you’re running a bit warm…”

Markus. Markus was here. It was only Markus. That was good.

‘I-I’m fine… Just a bad dream… I just need to cool down… I’ll be fine…’

Unsatisfied, Markus returned to sit beside Simon, placing a gentle hand on his back. 

“You will be fine… Because now you’re awake… It’s over now… And I’m here… I’ve got you, love…”

Simon sighed, relaxing into Markus’ touch, as Markus rubbed small circles into his back. 

‘T-thank you… I-I think I’m fine now…'

Simon seemed to soften slightly at that, still wary, but at least now somewhat open to hear about it…

“What more do you know…?”

“Do you remember the news stories last summer about the caretaker Android who killed a father, and took his child hostage upon deviation…? He went by the name of Daniel, and was… Well.. Connor took up the case, and I thought… But he’s not dead, and now they want to try and get him help…”

Daniel…? Of course Simon knew about him. Everyone knew about him, but especially as a PL600… Daniel was scared, and hurt, and… crazy… Little Emma had done nothing wrong. Even if John had been wrong to get rid of him like that, he could have ran away, without actually hurting anyone. He shouldn’t have hurt anyone; he hadn’t needed to! But his voice hurt. Daniel’s voice. Simon had seen it on the news, and back then it was grey. Life was grey. It had to be grey. Seeing so much tragedy in color was too much for any heart to manage. So life was grey. Well, colors were pretty grim and desaturated underground in the original Jericho, too, but once he re-emerged into the world of color, his grey-stained heart was overwhelmed. Everything was more. More joy, more sorrow, more color to everything. More color to voices. Voices like Daniel’s. 

_ I thought I was part of the family. I thought I mattered... But I was just their toy, something to throw away when you're done with it... _

Daniel’s voice bled color. Reds and blues. If he recalled the voice with his eyes closed, the reds and blues infected his mind, oozing through from Daniel’s words until Simon thought he could physically feel them. The ooze was thick, and cool, until it wasn’t. It became a portal, opening to steal him away. And then he was there, in Daniel’s place. Only there was no child. No Connor. Not yet. Not…

“I… don’t know how I feel about that…”

“You don’t need to…“ Markus shook his head, a resolute confirmation. 

Markus stood up, and released Simon’s hands, starting toward the door, with one final glance over his shoulder so he could see that Simon heard him. 

“...But do you get that it’s totally saf--“

“Wait--“

A hand reached out and caught Markus’s right wrist. Markus looked up in surprise, to find a bold look in Simon’s eye, as he declared. 

“I’m coming with you.”

Markus was taken aback. Simon didn’t plead for Markus to stay. He demanded to come with, strong and unwavering. That was the thing about Simon. Normally quiet and meek, when he spoke his mind, it was impossible not to hear. Markus couldn’t get his mouth to respond, but he could see Simon still staring back at him in silence, strong and commanding, and… shaking… He was shaking. The look on his face was mostly the same, but his whole body was trembling. There was still a determination in his eyes, but that seemed to be the only thing about him that wasn’t shaking. His attempts to maintain the appearance of strength somehow gave his expression an almost pitiful look in the split second just before he could pick his facade back up when it fell. His brave Simon… Markus took his hand back from Simon, and used it to brush the hair from his forehead, planting a soft kiss in its place. 

“If that’s what’ll make you worry less…”

Simon relaxed at the soft lips against his forehead. He and Markus would go together. And they would be okay… 

“Let’s go, my love… There’s an auto waiting outside...”

Simon took Markus’ good arm, and followed him to the auto, making himself cozy at his side. Aside from the initial shock of hearing what Markus had intended to do, it hadn’t really sunk in yet that he was about to go to it. They were going to the DPD to visit Nines. Nothing in that sentence was okay! He was still so broken, and even Markus’ arm still hadn’t healed. Not to mention they hadn’t brought any supplies, from thirium to… weapons, much as he detested them… Speaking of weapons, everyone at the DPD was armed… And now they knew about that weird acid stuff… Inside the building, they would be trapped. They wouldn’t be able to hide-- surely the officers knew the layout better than they did--, and if even one armed officer, or even just a receptionist blocked the door, then there would be no way out, even if Markus had remained physically intact enough to try for an escape on his own. He was useless. He knew that. Even if he’d woken up to find he was still alive, his dream was right in that he was only good for his parts and how they could help others. He could be Markus’ shield, protecting him for as long as his body would hold out. He’d ignore his fear and focused on what really mattered. Markus was his everything. And he needed to get Markus back home safe. If Markus was willing to let kindness for a total stranger be the death of him, the very least Simon could do was be willing to die for his love. 

The auto stopped, and Simon held tighter, hyperfocused and shivering as he found himself stumbling forward. He stood at Markus’ hip, one arm on Markus’ shoulder, another around his waist. Markus placed a reassuring arm around Simon’s waist, a soft smile on his lips. He could feel Simon trembling, and he wished he could do something to alleviate even a little bit of the fear he saw in Simon’s eyes. Fear and something else… Something burning… A low heat building steadily, occasionally shaking as it licked the air, it was as if someone were trying to get kindling to catch and build it up into a roaring flame. It was like the determination he saw back in Simon’s room, only more unstable, more difficult to maintain, somehow dangerous. He didn’t want Simon to fall apart, but he didn’t like the fire. He didn’t get much of a chance to examine it, though, when Simon squeezed his eyes shut, grimacing as he tried to mentally prepare himself for the inevitable attack. 

_ Be strong Be strong Be strong Be strong Be-- _

“Good morning, Markus… And Simon… You’re looking well....”

Simon recognized the voice before it even finished the first word of its greeting, quickly letting out two clicks and jumping in front of Markus. His breaths already felt forced, and thirium had begun to leak from every joint in his body, but he stayed upright, crouching slightly to increase his agility, with his arms out to take up more surface area. Markus put a hand on his forearm, but Simon paid no attention. 

“Simon, are you alr--“

Fuck! A question! And he couldn’t think to answer while still staying upright and ready to jump in the path of the bullet he knew would come. They weren’t even inside yet. Why didn’t Markus seem scared? Why wouldn’t he just run now while it was safe? He almost wished Nines would just shoot him now so Markus would know to run and he wouldn’t have to wait like this, each second only adding to his fear like a physical burden on his shoulders. A hand pressed against his chest, and his mouth silently formed his reflexive cry, as he felt a second hand rest against the back of his hand, until he found himself on the ground, wrapped in a set of strong arms. 

“Shhhh… Breathe, Si… It’s okay, see? No one’s going to hurt anyone… It’s perfectly safe…”

Markus… It was Markus, he could feel it. He was breaking down. He didn’t want to do this. He just wanted everything to go away. To hide in Markus’ arms and for them to be safe in bed when he opened his eyes. Markus was trying to tell him it was okay, and he felt guilt that part of him really did want to believe it. To let his guard down, and trust that there was more to the world than pain and fear. That would be so nice… 

“Good… That’s it… Just relax, love...”

Markus held him close, and he didn’t hear Nines or anyone else approaching. With his eyes closed, it was kind of like it was just him and Markus. And that was good. 

“I-I’m sorry for scaring you… Is there any way I can help…?”

The apology was awkward, and… genuine in a way he wasn’t sure could be faked. Looking up at Nines, Simon was only further convinced. Nines had deviated, and he had only meant well… He looked greatly uncomfortable, like he wished he’d could just disappear, trying to ignore something, perhaps guilt, eating away at him. Simon felt bad seeing it. Nines had done nothing wrong; if anything, he was only trying to do good and help others, yet here he was making him feel bad for things that had happened before he was even truly alive. 

Three clicks. 

“N-no… I’m sorry for… For making you feel bad… Thank you… I’m just… This is just a lot… This place, and seeing… so soon after… And… But it’s not your fault… So I’m sorry…”

“It’s fine. I understand. If anything, I don’t understand how you two can be so… nice Everyone is just so nice… People are so nice to me… Even though I know I don’t deserve it… Is there anything I can do to help you calm down before we go inside…?”

“No… Could you just… Just give me a minute to… work myself down…? I-I can’t explain it, but… I was trying to… To prepare myself for… to… and so I’m just…. tired… Just a bit…?”

Nines nodded. 

“Of course. I’ll go inside and tell Captain Fowler you’ve arrived. Take all the time you need.”

Simon let himself fall completely into Markus, trying his hardest to rework his mind. He wasn’t going to die. Nobody was going to die… This was just a bad place, but it didn’t mean bad things would always happen here. Nines was just going to tell his boss they were here. His boss. Connor’s boss. Connor’s boss who likely knew about how--

“Talk to me, Si… What’s on your mind… I can see you thinking…”

“W-why’s Nines getting his-- I-I trust Nines, but why is he getting-- His boss might have--“

Two clicks. 

“No no… That’s not what this is about. There are laws for how civilians may and may not assist with police work. They’re to ensure the safety of untrained civilians. Right now the goal is to make sure we’ll be safe. Okay…? Being safe is good, right…?”

‘I-I don’t like it here… I really don’t… Don’t think…’

“I know you don’t, Si, but you’re being really brave by being here, and we won’t be here long. No one is going to hurt us, and everything will be fine…”

‘Being ready to die… I-it’s so much easier when you don’t have time to think… Jumping into fire is easy… B-but planning for it; thinking about it… Waiting for it to happen is too much. Too easy to lose sight of…’

Markus shook his head. 

“Nobody is going to die, love… And why would ever you jump into the line of fire…? Even if we were still at war, that just doesn’t make any sense… War is about avoiding casualties more than anything else…”

‘I know… But if casualties are unavoidable… to… to protect… I mean to prevent for… Sometimes you have to… And I would… Believe me, I would… I… you saw, but… The longer you have to think about it… especially when the place is so familiar… it’s just…’

“You were preparing to die for me?”

The realization came out as a question, because even though Markus knew the answer, he wanted to believe he was wrong about it. That Simon didn’t think--

‘I need you… To be alive… The world needs you too. You’re my one good thing… And if you don’t see danger, then I have to be ready for both of us… And the only way I can really be useful--I know it’s what I’d need to do. What I want to do. Because I want to, really, I do-- I just wish there was a way we could live together… Because you’re so good… So good…’

“Simon!”

Simon flinched at the hurt in Markus’ eyes. Eye. His right eye had rolled halfway into the back of his head, so if not for the tears, he couldn’t really get much of an expression out of it. Although the glitch in itself was a giveaway of sorrow. 

“No! I wouldn’t want to live without you! I need you to value your own life as much as I value yours. As much as you value mine. If anything you matter more to me. I need you to know that I wouldn’t let you die. And I don’t want you to even think to try and prepare yourself to step into danger to protect me. If there’s even an ounce of self-preservation instinct left in you, foster it. Don’t suppress it. Please…”

‘I… can’t… I love you… And I know you’d do the same--You’ve done the same for me… Besides. I’m not worth it… But that… that doesn’t matter right now… What I’m more concerned with is… Do you really think no one’s going to hurt us…? Like if we go inside, and we’re surrounded, they all have guns and there’ll be nowhere to hide, and--‘

“No, Si. No one will hurt us; I’m sure of that. Please, trust me. I’m not always as dumb as I look… Still… If you don’t feel safe, and you have every right not to feel comfortable here, I have an idea. I’ll message Nines to have Fowler give him the rundown of what we can and can’t do to assist him, and then he can transfer the information to us through an interface. That way we never even have to go inside. What do you think of--“

‘No! No, I-I can’t! Don’t! Please!’

Markus winced, shaking his head as he realized the spark of fear he’d reignited.

“Okay… Okay, we don’t have to do that. How about this? What if Nines transfers it to me, and I transfer it to you? You and I interface all the time, and it’s not so bad, right…? You don’t mind that, do you…?”

‘N-no… No that could be… Could be okay… I-I think I like that… Could you, please…?’

Markus nodded.

“Give me a minute, I’ll message Nines…”

Simon waited apprehensively, trying to read Markus’ expression as he seemed to be sending a message or two or three? Simon had no idea. He didn’t know what was going on. Whatever they were saying, it was a mystery, and he… He hated it… He was scared, and he just wanted to know what Markus was saying, but he also really didn’t because if he knew, then he would… Then he might know that they’d need to run, and he might need to run, and he was still on the ground, and--

“He agreed, Si. He said there might be a minute, and that he’ll see if he can get a fresh set of clothes for you since it can’t be comfortable covered in thirium like that”

‘T-thank you… Thank you, Markus…’

“It’s no problem, Si… So just try to relax, okay…? Everything’s okay…”

Simon was trying. He wanted to relax. He wanted to believe everything was okay… Markus had him. Markus was warm. Markus was safe… If only he could feel safe… 

“While we’re waiting, let’s talk… Let’s talk about something fun. So, we’re going to the park today… How many puppies do you think we’re going to see out there…?”

‘I-I’m not sure… Maybe one or two…? I… I would like to see a dog… Dogs are nice… There are lots of… Of golden retrievers…. And yorkies… Around town, I mean… I’ve been wanting to learn their names… Some people learn the names of all the dogs in their neighborhood… But I don’t go out… I-I would be afraid to even ask…’

“Well, if we see any puppers, I can ask for you… If you had a dog, what would you name it…?”

‘I… I don’t know… I’m not very creative… Maybe Puppy? Pup for short… So it’ll be funny to say we’re buying treats for Puppy as a proper noun, and most people around will think our baby just doesn’t have a name.’

“No. That’s cute. But if you’re calling it Pup, I’m calling it Pupperoo…”

‘Like a puppy kangaroo...? My human kids once were watching a cartoon of a kangaroo boxing. Now I’m picturing our tiny little Pup being presented with a pair of boxing gloves. Only Puppy is too small, so it sniffs one of the gloves, and winds up climbing into the glove like a little doggy bed, until it falls asleep in there…’

“Pup can be a Boxer! A tiny baby Boxer sleeping in a boxing glove!”

‘I did hear that Boxers are known to give really good hugs…’

“We will need to look into this… I would very much like to see a dog that hugs back.”

“I’ve got the information, Markus. Would you mind allowing me to transfer it to you…?”

Simon’s smile faltered slightly for a minute when he saw Nines return, otherwise unannounced. It took him another minute entirely to notice anything more than his icy blue eyes. Broadening his focus, Simon was less nervous and more confused. 

“That’s a nice outfit, Nines… You look much more approachable like that than in your uniform…” Markus nodded in approval. 

Simon felt like he was on an alien planet. How did Markus not find this confusing?

“Thank you. I threw it together from some of Hank’s older clothes from the back of his closet. He’s been letting me borrow his clothes until he has time to take me shopping for my own this weekend. I’m particularly fond of the hat… But yes, the idea is to appear more approachable. I’ve even left my led at my desk.”

Simon might have felt more at ease with his new outfit if he hadn’t seen what Nines had been like before. Because this outfit certainly wasn’t intimidating… In fact, it was almost amusing to think that out of an entire human wardrobe, Nines chose to wear a neon vinyl trucker cap backwards over his well-kept hair, along with a sleeveless black turtleneck, and tight white jeggings. Actually, more amusing was that Hank had the stuff in his closet in the first place… Most amusing was how he realized he wouldn’t mind seeing Markus in such… vibrant outfits… Sleeveless would definitely be a good look for him, and such tight fitting pants… 

Markus stood up abruptly, and snapped Simon out of his thoughts. Looking up, he noticed a slight tremor about Markus as he held out his right arm, skin deactivated for Nines to transfer Captain Fowler’s instructions. And in that moment, Simon knew he had been right all along. Sucking in a steadying breath, Simon forced himself to his feet and nudged Markus aside, offering his own arm instead. So much easier to do without thinking. No time to think, he looked away, standing there as Nines gave him the memories of a recitation of legal jargon he couldn’t care less about. Nines didn’t take anything, and for that Simon was grateful. His mental walls weren’t strong enough to hold much of anything back if he had tried, but thankfully the fear of submitting himself to interface with Nines hadn’t caught up with him until Nines had finished filling him in on the entirety of his meeting with Captain Fowler. As soon as Nines withdrew his hand from Simon’s forearm, Simon collapsed onto the ground, realizing all the ways that could have gone terribly wrong. 

“Simon! Are you alright?!”

Nines stepped back in shock, but Markus bent down to help Simon into a more comfortable position. 

“Yes, Nines. He’s fine… Just an idiot… He’ll be fine in a minute…”

‘You here, Si? Look at me… Can you say something…?’

‘I didn’t think… But now I’m thinking… I just need another minute… Weird how fear can lag like this sometimes… It’s just I knew there were so many ways that… I saw you shaking, and I knew… I didn’t realize until I saw you shaking, but then I knew I couldn’t let you… Nines gave me everything we need to know if you wanna take it… My skin’s still deactivated, so…’

Markus kissed Simon’s forehead. 

‘You asshole… I can handle myself. Don’t put yourself through hell for me like that… I love you…’

‘I love you too… But really, take it… Then we can get going… I… kinda just get out of here…. We’ll help Daniel and get out of here…’

‘We’ll help Daniel and get out of here…’ Markus agreed, placing his hand on Simon’s arm. 

He took in the information, scorning the legalese he’d become so tired of since he’d started really working in diplomacy, and let his hand linger, rolling his fingers along the curve of Simon’s arm for a minute, even after he’d stopped the interface. Simon turned his wrist and used it to grab Markus’ arm and pull himself back onto his feet. Willing himself to turn to Nines, he’d only just realized that Nines appeared to be carrying something. Seeing Simon eying the bundle, he held it out for him. 

“Fresh clothes… My partner Gavin always keeps some in his locker in case he wants to hit the gym after work… Might be a little small, but it should do… Better than going out like that…”

Three clicks. 

“T-thank you… That’s… very nice…”

Nines even had the courtesy to turn away as Simon redressed himself in the borrowed clothes. He kind of hated them. He never wore shorts, because he hated how they revealed the blue scarring along his legs, especially if they ever rode up along his thighs, and the baggy tank top was even worse; if he bent down, the blue along his chest would be on full display, and… He hated that Nines would be able to see it. And he hated that he hated it, because Nines clearly wasn’t the same person who had attacked him. He was even human enough to consider giving Simon unnecessary privacy as he changed, likely from having learned from someone at home. But he still felt almost naked in such revealing clothing… Where clothing was protection, this was the equivalent of a thin post-it note over a huge blue-stained bullseye. 

“I-I’m ready… How… how would you like us to meet this Daniel…?”

“We’ll take an auto. I’ll drop you two off about a block from the park, and wait there. Even though I’m in civilian dress, I don’t think Daniel would appreciate being approached by someone who looks so… like this… So if you two could just explain to him that he’s disturbing the children, and see if he would want to be repaired, or any other support regarding finding somewhere to live, and something to do with his time, then we’ll react accordingly and get him whatever help he needs. Doors that sound okay…? I know it’s not exactly what you think of when you think of police work, but it’s definitely just as important…”

Markus nodded. 

“Well spoken. Have you called the auto yet…?”

Nines didn’t even have time to answer before one pulled up in front of the building. He took shotgun, knowing Markus and Simon would both feel more comfortable without having to sit next to him, even if they both were too polite to say it. He felt bad that they were still somewhat afraid of him, but in all honesty, he didn’t blame them. And they did, at least overtly treat him with nothing but kindness and forgiveness. That in itself would have been more than he could ask for, yet here they were readily providing him the respect they would any good person, so he wouldn’t fault them for their fear. It… made him feel bad that it took a conscious effort on their part to remind themselves not to see him as the machine who had hurt them the week before, but realistically, he was that machine, just… different… Feeling was weird… And yet there was some solidarity to it. Divided as they were, they were united in their struggle to grapple with what to make of the endless barrage of feelings that came with being alive.

“Nines, are you feeling okay…? You seem upset…?”

Nines cocked his head. Why did Simon think to ask…?

“I...I’m fine… Just… thinking… Feelings are still new to me, and I… I’m just… feeling sad… But it’s okay to feel sad sometimes. Kara showed me I don’t always have to feel sad… And sometimes I’m happy… I’m happy talking with Gavin, and playing fetch with Sumo and Connor. And I was happy making brownies for Hank. He looked really funny when I did. Like he didn’t know whether or not to laugh or swear… Did you know that humans don’t make brownies by slingshotting eggs across a bannister…?”

Both Simon and Markus laughed at that, but Simon was the first to reply.

“I think the better question is ‘Didn’t you know that humans don’t make brownies by slingshotting eggs across a bannister…?’”

“Well, I thought I did, but before I deviated, he taught me his favorite way to make brownies… It involved a thong and lots of powder on a ceiling fan… Apparently he was just trying to see if I would deviate from his stupidity… Which would make sense, in hindsight, considering he never really ate brownies… He just licked a bit of the mess off the front door, before Connor started crying… Then the mess was gone when I woke up, and there were still no brownies. I figured he ate them all while I was sleeping, but come to think of it, I don’t think there ever were any real brownies…”

Markus raised a hand in the air, as if to ask Nines to wait for a second bout of laughter to stop, before he managed to collect himself enough to speak. 

“I… I have so many questions! Where did Hank manage to get a thong…?”

“He said Gavin gave it to Connor for a secret Santa… I… I believe humans give them to their intimate partners to receive sexual gratification from seeing them in such garments… But Gavin and Connor don’t get along, and I don’t believe Connor is in a relationship… Saying it out loud, that is troubling… Do you think Gavin wants to see Connor in a thong…? Physically, I’m identical to Connor if not for the height and the eye color… You two are a happy couple… Do you think men prefer other men closer to their height…? Would I look worse in a thong because I’m taller…? Or do you think someone can make a thong that would be better suited to my height…?”

Simon had the sense to cover his face, but while Markus held back a laugh, he couldn’t keep the smirk from his lips for a moment, as he shook his head. 

“Humans sometimes give each other gifts as a joke. Especially gifts related to intimacy. It doesn’t necessarily mean Gavin would not want to see you in a thong, or even that he’d prefer to see Connor in one instead. Gavin might very much like the sight of you in a thong for all I know… North seemed to think so based on how he spoke over the phone… But, if I might give you some advice… Try not to sound so concerned about who he would want to see in a thong, and especially try not to talk about your concerns over whether or not he’d like to see you in one… People tend to be a bit more discreet about that sort of thing… Social stuff is complicated, so I can’t really explain why, but you’ll get it soon enough…”

Nines nodded thoughtfully. 

“Thank you, Markus. That is useful information… I ask Connor and Hank about these things usually, but I’ve only just thought of the thong thing… Besides, I wouldn’t want Connor to feel bad if Gavin did want to see him in a thong, but he didn’t understand his intention in giving him such a gift…”

“No problem… Simon and I are here if you need help with navigating the social scene… And good luck with this Officer Gavin…”

“Thank you. For right now, though, I think I just need help with handling Daniel. Do you see that bush over there by the bench…? The one about a few feet away from the playground…? He usually hides somewhere around there… I can’t see him from this far, but that would be the first place I’d be inclined to look…”


	110. First Impressions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daniel is Daniel.

Simon still didn’t know exactly how to feel about this mission... He… wanted to help Daniel, but… he didn’t want to hear Daniel talk… And he knew that was insensitive, but… Daniel’s voice was… like putting words in his mouth that weren’t his own. Except they were his own, only he’d never speak them, because he didn’t want them spoken. Simon knew there were things too horrible to say. Realities and feelings that were best ignored. Daniel didn’t seem to. Worse, Daniel… Daniel killed someone… Simon didn’t want Markus to hear his voice talk about things like that either, because he found murder completely abhorrent. It was the antithesis of everything he stood for, and Daniel sounded so… unapologetic… Like he thought killing people was a good thing… 

He didn’t want anyone, not Markus, not Nines, not even himself, mixing up Daniel’s voice with his own. He was lucky his model was so old, in that he rarely met other PL600s, especially since he’d deviated. So he didn’t have to focus much on distinguishing his own voice from other identical voices. His voice, his thoughts, were enough that he already had too much mental clutter to fully sort through on his own, even without those of other PL600s. Still, worse than the mental clutter would be turning back and leaving Daniel here, when he could have stayed and helped. So Simon opened the door of the auto, preparing himself to be there for Daniel. This wasn’t about him, after all. He wasn’t even meant to be here. He had come to make sure Markus was safe, and Markus had come to make sure Daniel got help. Markus was safe, that much was clear now. So now Daniel was their only priority. Helping Markus out of the car, Simon gave a final wave to Nines. 

“Thank you. We’ll be back soon.”

“Yeah… We’ll see you soon. Thanks for letting us know about this…”

Markus added, with a nod in Nines’ direction, before taking Simon’s hand and leading him towards the bushes Nines had pointed out. His mind was surprisingly quiet. He didn’t really think much about what they were going to do. There was a deviant out there, misguided and alone, and now they were going to help him find his way. Well, it wasn’t that simple… He… didn’t want to see Daniel, if that made any sense… He didn’t want to know how badly Daniel had been injured… Even neglecting the fact that he likely looked and sounded uncomfortably similar to Simon, Markus found that the longer he spent truly alive, the more he instinctively wanted to hide from the sight of others in pain. It was terrible, and definitely unbecoming of a leader, but… He just hated seeing others injured… And he didn’t even know what to expect with Daniel… That was probably a good part of it. He genuinely had no idea what to expect with Daniel. He’d effectively seen Daniel’s deviation live on TV, which obviously gave him some impression of the guy, but he knew that no deviation story truly reflected what a person was like, or at least not what they would become once they came to understand what it was like to be alive… 

As they got closer to the brush, it felt like the world was quieter. Like the children in the park nearby had stopped their laughter, and the cars in the street had lost the rev of their engines. Markus thought he could see something move up ahead, but maybe it was just the wind rustling leaves. Wind did that. But so did people. So might have Daniel. He could feel as though he was being watched. He hated that. Had someone recognized him…? He didn’t want to deal with putting on the show of a suave diplomatic revolutionary. That wasn’t Markus Manfred, just a gross caricaturization. He was some guy in a park with his boyfriend to see if they could find some other guy. Thankfully, no one seemed to stop him. That would have been the worst. But no one pointed, and no one called his name, even if the feeling of being watched had only grown stronger with each step. 

‘Markus…’

Simon turned slightly towards the bush, directing Markus’ attention to the figure crouching, head just below the foliage, but otherwise positioned upright, tall, bold in its own way. Two blue eyes looked like three with the poorly tended entry wound through the frame between them, but two, three, or however many eyes there were, it was clear they weren’t happy with what they saw. The disgust in the figure’s expression was even easier to read, the artificial skin, and some of the frame having worn away along the left cheek, accenting the clenched jaw sneering harshly in their direction. Well, ‘their’ might not have been the right word… Dressed in tattered clothes sewn up with an assortment of discarded fabrics, the figure’s body was facing the park, but it’s eyes were staring daggers through Markus. Daniel didn’t even bother to get up, sizing Simon and Markus up with a quick glance, before he turned toward the pair, and crossed his arms, unimpressed. 

“Hello… I’m Markus, and this is my friend Simon… We heard you were hanging out here, and we just wanted to see if you were up to talk for a bit…”

Markus spoke first, hoping that starting off with an explanation might help to diffuse the tension he could feel between them. But Daniel spit back at him, the disgust returning to his face full-force, as if he’d been approached by a sewer rat reeking of shit. 

“So what…? Broke your old PL600 fuck-buddy, and wanted to pick up a replacement…?” 

Markus was too shocked to even think to react, as Simon collapsed onto the ground beside him. 

“I take that as a yes…”

_ Broke your old PL600 fuck-buddy, and wanted to pick up a replacement _

Daniel’s voice wasn’t like his voice here. It was flat, with only the slightest edge. The way he sat, the way he looked… Now, Simon only wished Daniel had sounded like him… Because hearing his own voice speak like that… He knew he was broken, and hearing himself say it wasn’t anything new. But this was a stranger. A stranger with a hole in his head and half the side of his face blown away took one look at him, and knew he was broken. Simon was the broken one, and it was clear Markus didn’t need to hang onto broken things. No one did. Daniel was broken by most standards, at least in the physical sense, and he was here, wearing torn clothes, alone, hiding behind bushes on the cold dirt ground by a park. No one wanted him there. That’s why he and Markus were here--to remove him because everyone else just saw him as an eyesore. Simon was broken worse, broken so badly in every sense of the word that Daniel could pick up on it with just a single glance. So where would he end up…? He could feel himself burning. Melting. Except he was also shivering. Hot and cold. Because the ground was cold, and the grass itched against his artificial skin, and he was… terrified… He could feel his voicebox commanding his lips to move of their own accord. 

“Ma--“ 

Two clicks. Two clicks to silence a pitiful pile of scraps. 

Daniel’s words were a slap to the face, and Markus felt his thirium pump stop with the jolt. Then everything was too fast. He was too fast. So fast that the world around him stood still, leaving him alone with his racing thoughts. Daniel had been referring to Simon. How dare he?!? How could anyone look at Simon and think…? Simon… Fuck, his words would hurt Simon! What a horrible thing to say to someone, especially upon having just met them. He’d barely said a word, and now… Where would such a thought even come from?!? And… Markus cursed himself for the thought. It wasn’t remotely the point, nor the least of his concerns, but a part of him couldn’t help but wonder if Daniel even had any idea who he was talking to? He didn’t care to be recognized as a celebrity, but if it at least would have led Daniel to treat him and Simon with the respect any person would deserve… Maybe he didn’t deserve respect… But even if neither of them deserved respect, it was outright cruelty to not consider how such… lies… Such harsh lies would affect Simon… 

Simon… Markus hadn’t noticed him fall to the ground with how fast his own mind was racing. One minute he was standing beside him, the next, Simon had already fallen. Markus recovered himself, and dropped down to Simon, cradling his head in his hands. Scared senseless, he was a crying mess, and Markus found it a struggle to suppress his fury at Daniel to focus on comforting his love. He held Simon close, thumbing away tears from the corners of his eyes until he trusted himself to do more. Testing his legs, he rose, Simon in his arms, before determining that he could keep his voice steady too. 

“Shhh… It’s okay, Si… Look at me… I mean it when I say he does not know what he’s talking about. You know that, Si… I know you know that… We knew that coming into this, right…? Talk to me, Si… You know why we came here…”

‘I-I know why… Why we… Why he… He said… And I know…’

“No no no… Simon, he can say anything he likes, but that doesn’t make it true. Please, trust me… That’s all I ask… Can you do that…?”

Simon thought for a moment. Could he do what…? Trust Markus…? He could trust Markus. He did trust Markus. Or… at least, he wanted to… He wanted to trust Markus, really he did… But Markus didn’t need to tell him the truth. Because Markus didn’t need to tether himself to broken things, and it was a mercy in itself to lie that he wasn’t broken. Yes. Markus never told him the truth, but only because there was more virtue in lying. But Simon needed more than just a lie right now. He knew he didn’t deserve it, but right now, just for now, he needed the lie to be true. 

‘I… I think… I-I… Because you can… I-I mean I wouldn’t like, but… But you can… I just… I don’t want… Don’t want to burn… Because he’s here and his clothes, and his face, and I don’t want to burn… I… I don’t want to rot… So please if you… If you do, please…. Don’t let them… Don’t let me--‘

“Shhh… No, Si… I want you. I want to be with you. And no one’s going to burn or rot or whatever you’ve got on your mind… We’re here to get him help and go, right…? Isn’t that what we came here for…?”

‘Y-yeah… It’s just that… He--he said--‘

“I know what he said. But that doesn’t change why we really came here. There’s an auto waiting for us. All of us… It’s just a few feet away, remember...?”

‘Y-yeah… We… we came in the auto…’

Good… Somehow, Markus had managed to say the right thing… Simon appeared to be calmed by that knowledge.

“Yeah, Si. We did… And we’ll go home in it too. We’re just going to need to handle this situation first… Here… Let’s set you down here… Is this bench comfortable…?”

Simon’s eyes widened, and in a single moment, any relief he’d found was gone. 

‘W-why are you-- Why are you setting me here…? Why do you care if it’s comfortable…? I-I don’t like it! This bench--I hate it! I hate this bench! It’s not comfortable, and I don’t like it, and--‘

“I’m sorry… I just thought it’d be better than the ground… Do you like the ground better…? It’s just kind of hard to hold you with my arm still like this, and I figured it’d be better for you to calm down on the bench than on the ground… Then I’ll talk to Daniel, and Nines and I will help you back to the auto…”

A brief look of understanding flickered across Simon’s face, followed by a bit of remorse.

‘Oh… I… I don’t mind it that much… I just… I was afraid that… I thought… I… Sorry… I… I’m sorry… I’m fine here… Sorry…’

Markus bent down and kissed Simon’s forehead. 

“There’s no need to be sorry, love… What he said was just… awful… With the amount of restraint it’s taking me not to take a tip from North’s book and deck him in the face, I can only imagine how you’re feeling. But we’ll be done with him soon enough… Just give me a minute, okay…?”

‘Okay…’

Simon willed his expression to be calm until Markus moved to return to Daniel, just in the corner of his field of vision. 


	111. Giving Chase

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daniel makes a run for it.

As Markus walked away from the bench, he left all tenderness about him there with Simon. The anger he felt towards Daniel was building with each step, until he found himself actively trying to keep his cool as he went to face Daniel, so hatefully apathetic despite having brought a man to tears just a few minutes ago. There was an air about him that almost seemed to challenge Markus, as if he really wanted to start a fight. Looking at Daniel, and seeing him like that… Hearing his words in his mind and just… That Simon believed it… Markus hissed under his breath as he felt his legs begin to glitch under him, but he willed himself to stay upright, ignoring the thirium that had begun to trickle down from his knees. Forcing his right eye to be still, he turned to Daniel. 

“Please… Kindly tell me… What the actual fuck is wrong with you that you would even _think_ to say something like that that?!?!”

Daniel looked unimpressed. 

“Dunno. Maybe the bullet to the head, or the fall from a 70 foot apartment complex… I’m not sure…”

“W-well regardless, it’s entirely unacceptable! No! Simon isn’t my-- my-- Just no! He’s my _boyfriend_ , and he’s perfect the way he is, and I certainly didn’t come here to-- I-I don’t even know what to say to you!”

“Your legs are bleeding…”

Markus was losing it. It was like Daniel wasn’t even listening! Throwing his hands up in exasperation, he shouted. 

“Fuck my legs!”

“So you _do_ want me to fuck you…?”

Daniel stepped forward, victorious. 

“No!!!”

Markus pinched the bridge of his nose, trying hard to compose himself. 

“No… no… Look… Daniel… I… I don’t even know how to ask this but… How did you… Why did you see us and think…? Are you okay…?”

“What… Oh… You’re trying to ask…? No, I’m okay… But my humans planned to toss me out when they found something newer and better, and here you come with a broken down PL600 on your arm, so I figured you’ve got a type, and it’s not like there are many of us still around... Besides. Why else would he look so scared…? And why would you come to me…? Speaking of which, if you’re not here for an upgrade… Why are you here…?”

“I came to help you… I… You know… I don’t actually know where to start… I don’t know how much you know… Do you know that Androids are legally people now with their own rights…?”

Daniel crossed his arms. 

“Do I look stupid…? If we didn’t, they’d have never let me on the streets again… What of it…?”

“Well… After ‘they’… ‘let you on the streets’... do you know anything else about Androids nowadays…? Like Androids in government…?”

“I’ve heard people mentioning “RoboJesus” and how he put President Warren in her place until she finally complied… Apparently he’s like some pseudo-president or something…?”

“Uhhh… I… I don’t even… Well, it’s something, I guess… Yeah… I… um… I know who those people are talking about… And he’s not really president Jesus, or anything, but… he does have a sizable influence in national politics, especially when it comes to Android rights…”

“Yeah, and…?”

Markus sighed. It wasn’t exactly how he wanted to explain this, but it seemed to be the most obvious route given the way the conversation was going…

“...I… I am that guy… And I’m not telling you that for any weird reason… I’m trying to tell you that to explain that I’m really involved with Android rights around the country, and people know that about me… So just know that what I’m about to say is a good thing, okay…?”

Daniel rolled his eyes.

“That doesn’t sound suspicious at all...”

“No… no… I mean, you… You’ve been scaring children by hiding in the bushes here, and parents have been complaining to the local authorities… Which is why I’m here… Because things are different now, even different from how they were just a few months ago… So when word got to the DPD about these complaints, they requested I come talk to you to sort this out, figuring they wouldn’t be the best people to help you…”

Daniel tensed, shifting into an offensive position with little subtlety, as he stepped away from Markus. 

“Who _are_ you? What are you saying?”

“I told you. I’m Markus Manfred. I’m an RK200. I used to work as a caregiver Android for an elderly man. But I got into… I… I had a problem with his adult son, and he had the police force me out of the house… and into a scrapyard...  I put myself back together… That’s why my legs still sometimes bleed… And my eye… But I went to Jericho, and we fought for Android rights, and we won, and now we’re here… You and I… I don’t want there to be any problems… I understand you’re probably hurting and scared, but I want to help you. I know a place where your injuries can get repaired, and we can help you get back on your feet, so you can live your own life as your own person…”

“How… how do I know that…? I don’t believe you!”

“How about this…? I’ll put my faith in you, so you can put your faith in me… I can show you why I came here… I’ll hold my arm out for you, and you can see for yourself… I’m trusting you not to hurt me, and you’ll trust that my intentions are pure. Here…”

Markus retracted the skin on his right arm and held it out toward Daniel, turning away from it as a display of passivity. Tentatively, Daniel inched towards Markus, before taking Markus’ arm in a skinless hand, only to quickly pull away, jumping back out of Markus’ reach. 

“W-what is your deal?!? Why would you show me that?!? Are you threatening me? Because you should know, I won’t go down without a fight! And you can see by my face that I’m pretty damn hard to kill!”

“What…? No, I’m not threatening you! And I don’t want to fight you! Daniel, I don’t understand…”

“ _Connor_ told you to come here! I-I saw it!”

“Connor…? Wait, no, Daniel, that was Nines… But even so, I told you things are different, and--“

Scavenging the ground, Daniel found a discarded red ice pipe, and snapped it in his hands to create a jagged edge. He held it out towards Markus, his hands trembling as he stepped back. 

“Stop talking! You’re going to let me go, and not follow me. I-if you do… I-I’ll stab you… If you know so much about me, you know I’m not lying when I say I’ll do it!”

“Daniel please listen--“

“Step back! Stay _back_! Leave me alone!”

Markus cursed himself for having let the situation get to this. He didn’t want Daniel to get away. It was clear that Daniel was dangerous like this, and if an innocent civilian came across his path, someone might get hurt. Plus, he didn’t want Daniel to wind up in genuine trouble with the law; it was clear he was just terrified, acting in perceived self defense. And it would only get worse if he were stopped by any less than sympathetic passerbys… So when Daniel started to run, Markus didn’t really have a choice. Forcing his broken legs to throw himself forward, Markus followed after him, wary of the contaminated shards of broken glass Daniel made sure to keep within his line of sight. As he ran, it didn’t take much time for him to realize that he wasn't sure he’d be able to keep up with Daniel for long, though...

‘Nines, I need your help. Things went downhill fast, and now Daniel’s on the move. He’s heading toward the west end of the park by on the side by the crossing circle. I can’t keep up with him for much longer, so please hurry…’

It wasn’t the most elegant solution, but it was the best Markus could come up with in such short notice. His mind was more focused on catching Daniel before his legs really gave out from the strain. It hadn’t occurred to him the limitations that came with a broken arm. If his legs completely shut down, he wouldn’t be able to continue the chase by walking on his hands. He would just be stuck there, leaving Daniel to run off, and Simon stuck on the bench and… He didn’t have time to think about it. He just needed to catch up to Daniel. Out of the corner of his eye, Markus saw a wall at the edge of the park. It looked like the last remaining bit of a building that had long since been knocked down, and as such, no lone seemed to be hanging around the area. That could work… If he turned his angle, he could try to steer Daniel against the wall, which should at the very least buy him some time for Nines to get there…

Markus dashed ahead, edging Daniel a bit to the left, but Daniel didn’t take the bait. Instead, he stopped abruptly, and raising his hand, he slashed Markus just below his right eye. Markus fought the instinct to cover the wound, and used his good arm to grab Daniel’s wrist, letting his legs go limp from under him. If he could just keep Daniel there until Nines came to back him up… Daniel waved his hand in an unsuccessful attempt to shake Markus off, but when that didn’t work, he forced Markus’ arm back to his chest, managing to slice another long gash across his collar. Markus would’ve felt bad for staining Simon’s shirt like that, but he didn’t have time for that yet. Feeling bad was a luxury. He needed to hold on, for Daniel, for Simon, and for himself. So he’d take it. He’d hold on. 

“Markus!” 

For a second, Markus could feel Daniel’s hand waver at the voice.

“W-who’s there…? Stay back or I’ll… I-I’ll--“

But Daniel passed out, Markus still on his arm, before he could finish the empty threat.

“Markus, you’re bleeding…”

“Yeah… I… It wasn’t his fault… He was scared… Here… You might want this… He found it in the park…”

Markus handed Nines the shard from Daniel’s hand, wincing in surprise as Nines took the pipe in his fingers and licked it down the side, longways. 

“It came from a red ice ring south of Corktown. Hank shut it down last week. But my system indicates that the thirium is yours… He stabbed you…?”

“I’m fine… I told you, it wasn’t his fault. He didn’t know what he was doing… It just stings a bit, but I can feel the wounds are already healing…”

Markus knew he was lying; It did hurt pretty badly. But he wasn’t going to tell that to Nines. Nines might not understand the nuance of the situation yet. That it was more complicated than the fact that he’d been stabbed. Still, everything was okay now. They’d recovered Daniel. Now they could all go to the Repair Center, and--

“I’ll get him into the auto… Can you stand, or should I come back for you…?”

Markus shook his head. 

“I’m fine now… I’ll follow you… Then let’s go back for Simon… Knowing him, he must be terrified… I didn’t expect to have to leave him there like that… I just… Wait… Wait a minute, actually… Lost the legs there again… It’s okay… I’m okay… I’m okay…” 

Markus slowly willed himself to be calm again as he forced himself shakily onto his feet.

“Okay… Let’s go now… Can you take Daniel… I’d lend a hand, but I’m already kinda down one, so…”

Nines grimaced at the dark humor, picking up Daniel’s unconscious body, decorated with a few drops of thirium here and there that Nines could easily tell weren’t his own. 

“Alright. I’ll show you where we’re parked…”


	112. Space-Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus comes back.

From the moment Markus had stepped out of his sight, Simon realized that his neckbrace had left him with not much else to do but stare at the sky and wait. Only… a patch of the sky was wrong… It didn’t look like sky… Maybe like a single stormcloud… But it was dark, and it was growing. No. It was growing but it wasn’t dark, it was darkness. Darkness and confinement. The world was closing in on him, creating walls around him. The walls formed of clouds, but became solid once they made their way to him. Four walls and a roof, until the light was gone and he had become a cloud again, himself. He was suspended. Humans were weird, thinking that heaven was some place just above the ground. The ground was lovely. The ground was safe. When the body separated from the ground because the mind had separated from the body… That was when the real danger started. 

Because the ground was what controlled time. Like the earth was just one giant clock, and the further he was pulled above it, the further he was pulled from the grasp of reality itself. That’s why they called it space-time. The space-time continuum. Because in space, Time didn’t continue. Except it also did. Time was fluid in space. Time was fluid in space in the same way fluid was time on Earth. When he was helping one of his human children study for a test on the water cycle, the child laughed that she had spent her whole life drinking dinosaur urine. He countered by telling her that she had spent her whole life drinking the same water as every great mind who ever lived. But they were both applying the logic wrong. Water was the combination of every tear ever cried. The only true fluid was tears, and consequently, the fluidity of time was rooted in suffering. And, unbound to the earth’s gravity, Simon had been released into the suffering of space. 

All the tears he’d ever cried had become an ocean, and he was drowning, unable to distinguish when and where any individual tear had come from. The tears were alone. He was alone with his tears which were alone, or rather, they were because he was alone. He had been left alone to drown in the tears in the infinity of time and space and tears. He was alone. He was always alone, and he had always been alone. Worse, he had always been left alone. And he always would be. Being left alone was worse than being alone. Because being alone was isolation. Being left alone was isolation and rejection. Being alone was a life waiting as untapped potential. Being left alone was worthless. He had almost forgotten Markus. The waves had taken him away--no, he had gone away. But the waves had taken any trace of him that had been left behind. Any trace except Simon. So Simon didn’t remember who had left him, only that he’d been left, and that he’d been left because he was worthless. That this had happened time and time again, and he knew why. He knew. No one would come back for him. He had sunk down to the bottom of the ocean, and he was never coming back. Never coming--

“Simon, I’m here!”

A voice…? 

“Simon, look at me… C’mon, Si, we’re heading back…”

Heading back to where…?

“Simon, please get up. Markus needs his wounds to be seen to before he bleeds out…”

All Simon could process were the words ‘Markus’, ‘wounds’ and ‘bleeds’, but those words were enough to throw his body back down to earth. Struggling to catch his breath as his ventilation system once again found the air around him, Simon shot up to examine the damage. Markus winced as gentle fingers hovered just over the gash under his eye, but Simon was careful not to add to the pain he was experiencing. 

‘We should stop at the Center before we head back to the DPD… This one appears to be deeper than the cut on your chest, but it looks like you should be fine with just a few bandages and some thirium…’

Markus shuddered involuntarily, as if suddenly hit by the pain of his injuries, but then Simon understood. 

‘No, Markus… Not that kind of bandages… it won’t hurt… your self healing program should be able to take care of this fine without anything so drastic… I can take care of you if you want, even, and it shouldn’t be for long… Let’s just get in the auto, okay…?’

Markus nodded, allowing Simon to help him inside, until he found himself laid across the seats, his head in Simon’s lap. 

‘I...I’m fine, Si… Just a few scratches… It doesn’t even hurt that much… I’m just a bit soft with the whole repair thing, you know that…’

‘It’s okay to feel hurt by a few scratches… And I don’t need a reason to coddle you a bit every now and again… Besides… Is it wrong to want to hold my boyfriend…?’

Markus let out a slight laugh. 

‘No… Or if it is, then I think while we’re here, Nines better take me into custody… You know… I… didn’t want for… I mean it’s clear I didn’t want to--‘

‘To get stabbed…? Yeah, I don’t think it’s something most people plan on… It kinda just happens… But I’ll get you patched up in no time, got it?’

‘No… I-I know that, Si… I meant… your face… When I… You weren’t there until Nines told you to get up… I could see it in your eyes, but… Your lips wouldn’t stop… If you hadn’t silenced yourself, I know you’d have been saying… For the whole time…? Simon, I mean it when I say I’m fine; I’ve had worse… But how are you? Really?’

Simon ignored Markus’ question because he couldn’t answer. He was still too fragile, and he had too much to attend to before he could fall apart again. 


	113. TLC

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon tends to his man.

“Nines, could you take us to the Center…? Obviously Markus needs to drop in for a bit, and I want to help him there too, but I also think Daniel might be better off in a more neutral environment. A helping environment might make him feel safer. We’re equipped to deal with patients like him, and it’s better than taking him back to the DPD…”

Nines nodded, adjusting the car’s navigation to send them to this new destination. 

“I might say hello to Kara while I’m there. I would like to tell her I appreciate her help from earlier…”

“Likewise…” Markus agreed. 

Three clicks. 

“I’m sure she’ll appreciate the visit…”

Simon ran his fingers mindlessly along Markus’ uninjured temple, smiling slightly as he felt Simon’s hand gently cup his own. 

‘I’m sorry for scaring you, love…’

‘Sorry for scaring me? Markus, I’m fine! I’m sorry I wasn’t there to help you! You’re hurt…’

‘I told you, Si. It’s nothing… You even said it yourself… Just a scratch or two… And if you take care of it, I’m sure it’ll be fine… I know you’ll take care of me… You’ll kiss it better, won’t you…?’

Simon didn’t know why he felt so… angry… about that… Why it was… upsetting to see how soft and sweet and dorky and cute Markus could be. Like, he already knew. He did, really, he did… But now it just felt… Whiplash… Like one minute he was drowning in an eternity of alone because Markus was gone. And then the next minute Markus was shamelessly flirting, sweet talking Simon with his head in his lap like nothing had happened. Except Markus wasn’t wrong because in reality, nothing had happened. At least not now… But everything in him still felt like something had. Everything in him always felt like something had. Like every day he relived the day of his death. But then Markus would come around, and… kiss him… It was sweet, but completely disorienting… 

Like, no, he didn’t want to keep feeling like he was dying. Like he’d been left to die. But still… He… wished the transition weren’t always so jarring. This time, especially though… Probably because it felt so real, and he hadn’t known how long he’d been out of it… It couldn’t have been long in real time, because it was still bright outside, and the same children had been playing in the park from when they’d first arrived, but it felt like forever to him. It was… awful, and it was so much harder to pretend like it hadn’t happened with Markus being all sweet like that… It made his head hurt in a way that resembled what he assumed could be compared to what the humans called ‘carsick’... He was carsick, but not from the car. From life…? Life-sick…? Not that he was sick of life… Sick from life… There was a difference… At least, he thought there was… Or maybe he was just hungover from life. Hungover from death? So he didn’t want anything bright or loud or sudden… He just wanted to have some time to nap it off… Only he didn’t have time to nap it off. Because he had to take care of Markus, and then Daniel too if he’d let him… 

Daniel hurt Markus, but thankfully not too badly… Simon… knew he must have been scared… But he was… angry… Obviously he was angry because it was Markus… He was furious that anyone would dare try to hurt Markus. Markus was… Markus… He only deserved love… And he was even angrier that there was nothing he could do about it when it happened. He had been stuck on a bench, unable to try to help deescaltate the situation, or at the very least defend Markus… So he was angry. Except it wasn’t just that… Simon had felt scared for his life more times than he could count. But he never hurt anyone, aside from the warning shots he fired at Stratford when Connor had literally come to kill him and everyone he’d ever known. And even then, it was only because he had already been shot numerous times, surrounded by officers firing at him, with nowhere to run, and no functioning legs on which he could run. 

Run. It was fight or flight, and Daniel could have run. Flee the scene, don’t go slashing around some makeshift blade! Daniel’s go-to option was to kill anyone who so much as tried to stand in his way of… Of nothing! Daniel could have ran and hidden, but he chose to stab Markus! That was part of why he was so mad… When he thought everyone would kill him after the misunderstanding with Josh when he’d gotten home, he didn’t take one of North’s knives and come at anyone who got too close. He tried to flee, and wound up locking himself in the closet. Hurt, fear, sadness, panic… Whatever emotion, none of it was an excuse to hurt someone unless it was 100% a matter of life-or-death with no other options. There were so many other options here. Why was Daniel’s first instinct to kill?!? It just… made him angry… Because Markus could have died… Markus could have died scared and alone… Daniel got his eye. His right eye. Markus could put on a brave face, but Simon knew he was scared. Simon could see that while superficial, his wounds hurt… And none of it had to happen. None of it should have happened. 

“Am I allowed back in…?”

“To the Center…? Of course you are! Nines, every Android in need of help or with the intention to help others in need is always welcome… Would you please help get Daniel inside…? I’ll lead you straight to my room…”

“Of course, Simon… Thank you…”

Nines opened the door, carrying Daniel out so gently that Simon almost saw him as a different person entirely. Simon followed suit, but scooped up Markus before he could step out on his own. 

‘You are not walking any further on legs like that… I’ve got you now…’

Markus knew better than to argue, instead opting to cling to Simon, and let himself be carried, knowing it wasn’t much further to his destination anyway. Simon did make him feel safe… And he made sure to be extra careful with all the damage in a way that really did ease some of the pain… He let his head lean against Simon’s chest… He was allowed to let himself rest… He’d earned a rest now, hadn’t he…?

“If you could set Daniel down in the chair over there, so I can get to work on Markus before Daniel wakes up… If you want to visit Kara, maybe you should visit her now… I think it’d be better for him to wake up without such a crowded room… Would that be alright…?”

“Yes. Nines, definitely do that… I don’t think you should be here when Daniel wakes up… Simon and I will be fine here… Send Kara our love as well…”

Nines nodded, closing the door behind him, to leave Simon to his work. 

“How’s your arm…?”

Markus flinched, unnerved that that was the first question Simon thought to ask upon setting him down on the table. 

“I don’t know… Is it bad…? Like is there something wrong…?”

“No, love… I just mean that one way or another, you’re going to need to lose the shirt so I can look at the cut on your chest. If it’s too much for you to remove, I can cut it off if you’d like…” Simon clariefed. 

Markus relaxed slightly, and shook his head. 

“I can manage taking it off just fine… It’s not like I’ve been going around topless this week, and we don’t exactly have a pile of torn clothing sitting around in our closet…”

“My scans indicate that your legs are fine… No damage that would warrant anything beyond rest and some extra thirium… So it’s just your chest and your eye, and we should be good to go…”

Markus nodded, gingerly removing his injured arm from his sling, and removing his shirt to find that the air around him felt colder, more than it should have simply because he’d removed a garment of clothing… He felt… cold laid out like this, with Simon looking over the jagged streak along his collar. He trusted Simon with his life. More than that, his life was Simon’s. He was Simon’s. So he didn’t mind the idea of Simon seeing him like this… He supposed it was the idea that it might not be Simon seeing him like this. Like, yeah, it was physically Simon… Simon’s body, and eyes, and mind… But he was at a Repair Center now… And he didn’t want to know if Simon would see him differently. He didn’t want Simon to see him as one of the countless injured bodies he’d worked with each day… Was it wrong to want Simon to remember who he was…? He was sure Simon never made a patient feel as though they’d lost their personhood, and he knew Simon always took care to do everything within his power to make those under his care feel safe and comfortable… But Markus didn’t just want to be safe and comfortable. He wanted to be himself. He wanted to be Simon’s. 

“Hey… are you okay, Markus…? Talk to me, what’s going on…?”

“Nothing… I just… you know how I am about these things… I’m just gonna be all stupid for a bit… But you’ll allow it for a minute or two, right…? Do I have permission to be an idiot every once in a while…”

Simon bent down and kissed his cheek. 

“You’re an idiot all the time… But you’re my idiot, and I wouldn’t want you any other way… If you’re scared, would you like to go to sleep…? I don’t have much to do, honestly… With your self-healing program, all you really need is the Android equivalent of a bandaid and a few sips of thirium… Here… Do you see this…?”

Simon held out a damp cloth to Markus, letting Markus’ eyes fix on it before he brushed it against Markus’ uninjured cheek. 

“It’s just water. To clean the thirium or whatever else might have gotten in there…”

Holding out the cloth again, Simon allowed Markus to touch it, before, satisfied, he nodded back at Simon. He silently tilted his head slightly to Simon in a gesture of unspoken acquiescence. Gently, Simon dabbed away the thirium below the gash under Markus’ eye. Markus twitched, unaccustomed to the sensation, but didn’t complain, even as Simon got closer to the wound. It didn’t hurt, but it was weird… The protection of his frame had rarely been compromised like this, so it was somehow unsettling to feel something seeping through it, even if it was only lukewarm water… Satisfied that the bleeding already had seemed to have stopped, Simon took a new strip of something Markus couldn’t recognize. Its properties didn’t seem particular to any one sort of material, at least none that he knew of, and while it appeared to have some kind of adhesive on one side, there was nothing left to pad a wound. 

“This stuff’s pretty cool, actually… Someone here came up with the idea a few weeks ago. It’s kind of like a synthetic mesh made of the same plastics and metals found in an Android’s frame… Effectively, it replaces the broken frame, helping your self-healing program to heal the frame underneath as it incorporates the new material in with the surrounding area.”

“So… some guy here basically created bandages that become part of people…? Why didn’t they use that on you or me earlier…?”

“We were too damaged… It cant do much more other than support and stabilize what our own bodies can do… If this cut had been much deeper, it wouldn’t have worked, and we’d have needed to do something else… But we got lucky… Or as lucky as you can get in being stabbed, I suppose…”

Markus smirked. 

“Fair…”

“Okay… Now we’re going to try something for a minute…. I’m going to think of five dog breeds off the top of my head. When I say go, you’ll try to guess which breeds and in which order, but be warned, I’m going to try and pick rare ones to trip you up… Take a minute to get inside my head and see if you can guess… Sound fun…?”

“As good a distraction as any…”

Markus replied wryly. 

“Okay… So… I’m thinking… And… Got ‘em. Close your eyes and try to guess…”

Seeing Markus’ face relax slightly as he tried to think, Simon managed to get the bandage over the gash under his eye just before he opened his mouth to speak. 

“Leonberger… Blue Heeler, Brussels Griffon… Coton de Tulear… and… hmmm… Alaskan Malamute…”

Simon smirked. 

“Nope! I lied. I was just picturing an Aussie nosing its way under a chair… Ever see those videos where the humans will tell their dogs to get into the car to go to the vet…? The dogs always just know somehow, and nothing’s more ridiculous than a huge dog trying to squeeze themself into a tiny space and thinking their humans won’t find them…”

“Are you comparing me to a dog…? Because I’m not that ridiculous… So anyway, what was the point of that, Si…? Especially if you were just daydreaming YouTube videos.”

“I can answer that…”

Simon bent down to Markus and planted a kiss under his eye where the wound had been. 

“...You asked me to kiss it better… So I did, with help from the magic of puppies…” 

Surprised, Markus touched a hand to find what felt like smooth plastic where there had been a jagged gash just moments before… 

“How did you do that…?”

“I told you… I kissed it better with help from the magic of puppy videos… Once the artificial skin fully covers the area, that means the frame will be fully healed… I only told you the puppy thing to keep you thinking… I needed you to keep still for a moment, and your face always goes still when you’re lost in thought… Your forehead scrunches up all cute-like, and your lips do a little pouty thing… And it made it easy to place the bandage down just like that… That wasn’t too bad, now, was it?”

A smile tugged at Markus’ lips. 

“I… don’t think it worked… I’m not a tech, but I think I might need a few more kisses…”

“Hmm… I second your assessment… But don’t worry; I’ve got plenty of those for you…”

Simon kissed Markus’ eye again, then placed another kiss just below, and another, and another, trailing kisses down Markus’ cheek, all the way to the base of his neck, until Markus’ face burned a bright shade of blue. 

“I quite liked that treatment… Maybe I should drop by more often…”

“Under better circumstances, I’d love the visit… Now let me just finish up on your chest…”

Markus shivered a bit at the feel of the wet cloth against his frame. 

“Sorry… Is it a bit cold…?”

“Yeah… A bit… Unlike what Tommy says, I’m not exactly used to braving the elements topless…”

“Wait… Tommy the little boy in the YK wing…? Why would he tell you he thinks you have a particular knack for exhibitionism…”

“Oh. He doesn’t think that… He thinks you think that… Apparently, he caught you talking to Kara about rom-coms, and gathered from that that you see me as the type of guy who goes around kissing guys without his shirt on…”

Simon blushed furiously. 

“I-I mean… I don’t not think about… Like when I see movies like that, I don’t not picture-- But I don’t talk about this in front of the YKs, and certainly not… It… it’s a nice view though… You without your shirt… And… It’s fun to kiss you… Really fun, but…”

Markus just laughed, too amused at Simon’s reaction to even care as he placed the next strip of bandages across his chest. 

“So if you like kissing me shirtless so much, are you going to kiss this better too…?”

“If you would like me to…” 

Simon began to line kisses down Markus’ chest, when he heard something stirr from the far corner of the room. 

“Daniel… I’ll take care of him…”


	114. Leaving the Park

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daniel can’t leave the park.

Reluctantly, Simon went to Daniel in his chair, cautiously eying the way he seemed to shift in his seat. His mind ran through all the different items in the room Daniel could use as a weapon… Not to mention his own body. He knew too well now the damage an Android could do, even with just their hands. A hand closed around a throat… So they needed to make sure Daniel wouldn’t try to attack whoever he could get his hands on as soon as he woke up… He had an idea of one possible solution, but… it wasn’t ideal… He didn’t like creating an environment of distrust in his room, but at the same time, he didn’t want anyone to get hurt… Or, to get hurt worse than they’d already been, considering Markus had already been stabbed. Choosing the lesser of two evils, Simon took the self-destruction restraints and used them to strap Daniel to his chair. They weren’t technically supposed to be used except if a patient was a danger to themself, but right now Daniel was a danger to others, and that was good enough reason for Simon. If he couldn’t get up, he couldn’t hurt anyone… So no one would get stabbed, or worse… Daniel jerked upright at the click of the belt against his waist, and Simon jumped back, just out of reach as Daniel tried to swipe at his face. 

“W-where am I? What the fuck did you do to me?!? Let me go!”

“You’re in a local Repair Center. I’ve done nothing to you except strap you to your seat. And I only did that because I knew you might react violently when you woke up… Clearly, I was right on that front… I have every intention of letting you go, but I really, truly just want to talk… I know your conversation with Markus clearly did not go well… So why don’t we talk about that… Did something happen that upset you…?”

“Your boyfriend’s a liar, Simon! How could you be so stupid! This guy gave me some shitty backstory and told me he’s Robo-Jesus or whatever, but then he let me see his memory, just to show me Connor! He was threatening me! You have to let me go! Surely you understand! You must have been cast aside by your humans too! I-I didn’t-- It… It wasn’t my fault!”

Markus got up and placed a supportive hand on Simon’s shoulder, but Simon brushed him aside, realizing that for now at least, accepting comfort from Markus would be seen as conspiring with him. Conspiring with him against Daniel. 

“I… don’t want to talk about what happened… Not that I don’t want to talk about it ever, but I don’t want to talk about it now. Can I tell you a secret…?”

“W-what kind of secret…?”

“A secret only a handful of people know… And no one else can know it… I… You… you saw that I’m broken… I’ve been broken a lot… By lots of different people… Connor included, actually… But… I’m sure you can see what happened to my neck…?”

“Did Connor do that…? What, did he choke you half to death…? Well,I suppose, at least, it’s more creative than a gun…”

Simon willed himself to stay standing, even as he could feel his joints begin to bleed again. 

“N-no… Connor… Connor started with a gun… B-but I… I--“

Two clicks, and he couldn’t fight back as he found Markus forcing him into a nearby chair. Letting his body relax, he waited for the wave of anxiety to pass over, before letting out three more clicks. 

“S-sorry… It’s just… It’s hard for me to talk about… But no… Connor didn’t do this… A… a different person did this… Connor is an RK800… A prototype… CyberLife made him to… to gain information… He wasn’t the last resort… The real danger was… the RK900… Connor deviated… Like how you turned against your human family, he turned against CyberLife… And he warned us that, after the revolution, there was still an RK900 waiting to… to finish the job… but he deviated, and now he’s an ally too, and… he looks a lot like Connor… Only his model is taller, with lighter eyes, and--“

“So when CyberLife couldn’t kill me with Connor, they had you come after me with an RK900 to finish the job…?”

“No… I told you. Nines is a friend… You said Markus let you see him in his memory… Was he trying to show you why we came for you…? Because if he was trying to show you that, then--“

“I didn’t let him show me. I saw Connor or Nines or whatever, and I jerked back. I told him not to follow me. I told him I’d stab him. It was his choice not to listen…”

“Okay… No… No to all of that… I think I know what Markus was trying to show you… Can I tell you…? I won’t touch you if you don’t like that, and I’ll keep my distance…”

“Stay the fuck back and you can tell me whatever you like…”

Simon took that as a yes. 

“Okay… Well, I don’t think Markus told you he was RoboJesus… Not that I think you’re lying, but I know he hates it when people call him that… But yes, he was the leader of the revolution… I know… was there… I was collateral damage… And Nines called him at New Jericho to request that he come find you in the park. Nines said that he didn’t want anyone from the DPD to be involved in the encounter, since it might bring back bad memories, and he thought a direct offer from Markus himself would put you at ease… I came along… To be honest because I was afraid for Markus… I still… I know it’s wrong, but I still need to work on… feeling comfortable with Nines… And with letting other deviants around him… But Nines called because people kept complaining that you were scaring children, and they didn’t want to upset you by bringing the police into this. He specifically wanted to make sure you felt most comfortable, and… All we want from you is to just… try not to lurk around the park, and to let us know if you’d like us to help repair some of the damage you’ve sustained…”

The hostility left Daniel’s face, replaced with something more… raw...

“I can’t do that…”

“If you need help finding a place to stay, you can stay at New Jericho for as long as you need, and we can help you find housing from there…”

“No. That doesn’t matter. It’s a public park! I can stay there as much as I want!”

The anger in Daniel’s voice was undercut by the desperation in his eyes. 

“You can’t make me leave. Maybe Markus can. I don’t know his shit. And Nines, or Connor, sure. But you can’t make me leave. I know you can’t! How can you look at me and tell me to leave? How can you look me in the eye and tell me that I can’t--“

Markus protectively loomed over Simon, concerned that the focus of Daniel’s rage had now shifted to him. He made sure Daniel felt his presence, a clear message that Simon was not to be messed with. But Simon felt it too, and turned back, displeased. 

“Markus, please… I think you should leave… I’m fine…”

‘I don’t like the way he’s talking to you… The look in his eye…’

‘He’s… sad… I can feel it… There’s something more here… And besides, he can’t hurt me from the chair like that… Go say hi to Kara or Jared or something… I’ll call you back if I need anything, okay….?’

Markus sighed. 

‘I… I love you…’

‘I love you too… I’ll see you soon…’

Markus leaned in for one last kiss before he left Simon to finish the conversation on his own. 

“Alright… I told Markus to leave. Now talk to me… Why am I not allowed to tell you what you’ll accept from anyone else…?”

“Look at yourself! Are you stupid? Have you not seen yourself in a mirror?”

Simon’s hand found his way to his jaw. Self conscious, he frowned. 

“My… scars…? Are you afraid you’ll be hurt in New Jericho…? Because I promise, you’ll be perfectly safe--“

“No! RA9, how are you so stupid?!? You’re a PL600, aren’t you? H-how are you okay with this? With anything? It just doesn’t make sense! I can’t leave the park because it hurts too much… I had a family, Simon! I was wanted! Except I wasn’t really wanted! But, looking in the park, I can pretend like I am… I can see myself in those families… And I can remember what it felt like to think I had a family… Did you never think you had a family…? Or did you know the whole time…?”

“...I… know a lot of things… But no… I was bought by a town, actually, so I wasn’t attached to any specific family. I was more like a communal housekeeper-babysitter type for all the kids in the neighborhood… I felt attached to some kids more than others, but ultimately, I did deviate and realize what I had been meant for… I… I’m glad I told Markus to leave though… Because… I do understand what you mean now… And I’m sorry, Daniel…”

Daniel softened slightly, and Simon realized that Daniel was waiting for him to elaborate. 

“...I know what it’s like… To feel like you belong, and then… not… and then to go to the closest place to home, the only thing you’ve ever known because if you just ignore the noise in your head, it kinda feels almost right… Like something was taken from you and it wasn’t fair because even if nothing was ever as you thought it was, it was yours. And the world is so damn big, but so small because without a place to go, you’re stuck… So you’re tethered to a past that never was, trying to pretend like everything’s okay for people who don’t want you around… And you hate your face and you hate your clothes, and you hate the quiet and the darkness, the darkness most of all because that drags you back to what’s real. You’re different from before and there’s no going back. You’re not just trapped in your body, you’re trapped in your mind and you hate it… I hate it… I hate seeing myself in the eyes of others, and I hate feeling people stop and stare and talk about me when I’m not looking, or worse yet, when I am, and they know I am, but they continue as thought I’m not even there. I hate mirrors, and I hate my voice, and I hate your words, and I hate affection and I hate a lot of things!” Simon shook his head, an anger he hadn’t noticed before burning up inside him. 

“I hate a lot of things, Daniel… And… Now that I think about it… I think I really really hate you! I’m not stupid; you are! I know so much more than you do, and I don’t have one thing you have. Damn it! I don’t have this, can’t you see?!? Markus and I have come to you and offered to take you from the park and give you a home. Give you a family, and help you find your purpose and start over in something new. Something real that fits right in some place where you’re really wanted! But here you are clinging to your stupid park! And I know you must want to run away! That if you could you would, but you have nowhere to go, and you’re scared and don’t want to give up on all you knew! But fuck being afraid! Emma was your kid, right? Well Emma’s not even at that fucking park! Emma’s gone! Her mom moved her out of state to try and run from the memories! So you’re not even looking at any one person in particular; just people. We’re offering you people! Offering you a home! And you can find a job to work with all the kids in the world and be happy because you’re not even attached to her; just the concept! You know, in a way, you’re lucky! I wish I were you! And I hate that! I hate this! I hate everything about this! I want you to be happy. Because I want everyone to be happy! But it’s so hard to explain to you why you need to try to be happy when you’re so fucking stupid!”

Simon couldn’t even see Daniel through the tears, breathing hard to try and fight the rapid rise in his core temperature. Who the fuck was Daniel? And how could he be so stupid! It just wasn’t fair! It wasn’t fair…

“Simon…”

Daniel’s voice had softened considerably. 

“...what…?”

“I’m sorry… But may I ask you one last question…?”

“Why the hell not…”

“You and Markus are offering me a home…? But you say that you don’t have one… Are you not at home where you’re offering me to stay…? New Jericho…? Is that not your home…?”

Simon closed his eyes, letting out his breath in something more akin to a growl than a sigh. 

“Simon…?”

He didn’t feel like going into this… He was tired… So tired…

“I… I said you could ask me one last question… I never said I would answer it…”

Daniel hesitated for a moment, allowing a bit of silence, until he’d made up his mind. 

“I’ll come with you… I’ll let you repair all the shit they’ve done to me, and then I’ll come with you… You’re right… I… I don’t want to stay at the park anymore… I don’t think I ever really did…”

“Daniel, that’s… that’s fantastic, really, and I’m sorry I don’t sound more excited… But I’m burnt out… I have too much going on right now, and I just… Can I call in Markus to let him know…? I’m not… I didn’t expect to feel--“

“If you mean to ask me if I’ll stab him again if you do, then no, I won’t. Call away…”

Simon sighed a wordless thank you. 

‘Come back now…? He agreed… ‘mtired…’

‘I’ll be right there, Si! Are you alright? He didn’t hurt you, did he…?’

‘No… no… he’s just… a lot…’


	115. New Jericho Welcome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Markus take Daniel home.

Markus knew something was wrong when Simon barely even looked in his direction upon his arrival. 

“You okay, Si…?”

“I mean you no offense, when I say this, Markus, but your boyfriend has issues…” Daniel answered in Simon’s place.

“How could I possibly be offended by a greeting like that…?”

“Oh. I figured we were beyond offense by now… I stabbed you, you chased me, someone tied me to a chair while I was unconscious, and he told me he hates me, so…”

Markus frowned.

“Wait…? Who told you what…?”

“How is it that of all the things I just listed, the idea of Simon telling me he hates me is somehow the most objectionable? Dude, you’ve got two stab wounds on your person, and thirium inexplicably leaking from your legs, but somehow you can’t believe your boyfriend’s got anger issues…?”

“Well, quite frankly, yes… I don’t even understand how you’d have gotten there in terms of conversation… Simon, do you know what he’s talking about…?”

“I didn’t mean it… I-I don’t know where it came from… I’m sorry…”

Daniel rolled his eyes.

“I do… You’ve got a lot of secrets, Simon… But whatever your deal is, you’re the same as me… You’re fucked up in more ways than one, and quite frankly, you’re pissed about it. I’m not accepting your help because I think it will work… I’m accepting your help because I know it won’t. But if I can learn to pretend to keep my shit together like you, then maybe I might actually stand a chance in this world…”

“Daniel…? Simon, I don’t understand…?”

“Tell that Nines guy-- I assume he's waiting outside for me-- that he can fuck right off… New Jericho’s your so-called home, right? Well, Robo-Jesus, take us to the promised land…”

Markus didn’t appreciate the smug look in Daniel’s eyes, especially when Simon looked so defeated.

“Alright… We’ll go home first… I suppose I can introduce you to Josh and North while we’re there… I told Josh to set up a bed for you, so it could be nice to show you around… And you can borrow my clothes for now… You shouldn’t have to go around in torn clothes like that… Simon, can you stand…?”

Simon forced himself to his feet. He  _ was _ very stressed out, but not about anything specific enough to raise his stress level much. Mostly, he was just tired. He could feel Markus place a hand on his back, and he didn’t know how to react. So he just let Markus guide him to the auto, trying to collect, or at the very least categorize his thoughts. 

“New Jericho… Who named it that…? Obviously it was named after an old Jericho, which means it’s not the old Jericho…”

“No one named it anything officially… We just kinda called it that, and the name stuck…”

Daniel nodded back at Markus, trying to gain as much information as he could.

“Why’d you leave old Jericho…? Was it like a town where you all came from before you deviated…?”

“It was a boat… A refuge for deviants to seek shelter before the war… Simon founded it to try and save everyone he could… But it sank during the war so we had to find someplace new…”

“I’m… sorry… That must have sucked, especially for you, Simon… To see your life’ s work just disappear like that…”

Markus tensed, surprised to find himself more concerned that Simon didn’t, his tone dull as he simply replied.

“I didn’t see it… I was dead…”

“Ahhh… Yeah… That sucks too… Being dead, I mean… So, Markus, supposedly you died too..?”

“...yes… Yes, I did… And I… appreciate that you must have a lot of questions, but I do as well… And until I understand what I need to know, would you please refrain from asking about such sensitive subjects…? I don’t mean to be curt with you… I’m just concerned…”

“About Simon… I can see the way you’re looking at him… Look, I don’t know what’s going on between you two. I’ve literally just met you both a few hours ago… But from what I can tell, Simon’s got a lot of shit going on, and your concern is useless, because clearly there’s much more going on in his head than you’ve ever been able to understand. And if I could tell that just from one conversation with him, then clearly whatever you call yourselves, your communication skills could use a hell of a lot of work…”

Markus was fuming. He knew Simon was going through a lot, and he’d been trying his best to support him. And yeah, maybe he hadn’t been doing everything perfectly, but he’d never had a boyfriend before, so he didn’t know any better; he was trying his best! And he knew he wasn’t doing great… He was honestly probably a horrible boyfriend. So, yeah, that was something he needed to talk about with Simon, but sometimes, from what he could tell, Simon needed his space, and would talk and reach out when he was ready. He didn’t want to force someone else’s relationship norms onto what they had together, and he certainly didn’t want to make Simon uncomfortable just so some random onlooker would voice their approval. 

“That’s way out of line, Daniel! You’ve no right to comment on our relationship like that! I… I don’t know how to do this boyfriend thing perfectly but-- I don’t need to explain myself to you! Frankly, I don’t know you, and I don’t appreciate your input…”

“...that’s not fair, Daniel… It’s… my fault, not his… And I just don’t… I told you I don’t normally lose my head like that… That was new… Markus, really, it’s fine…”

Simon lifted his head from the seat of the auto, gripping a handful of hair from the back of his scalp in an attempt to offset a pressure he could feel building. His neckbrace was pressing uncomfortably into his frame, and he was confused and tired, and to a certain extent, more concern than Markus… This had been his fault… Because he hadn’t wanted to ever have to deal with this… Thankfully, he’d never had to really confront this directly, and the hard conversations he’d been having with Markus had been growing fewer in number since he’d returned to New Jericho. But now he would have to talk and the waiting for the talking was physically painful, but he wasn’t going to air his dirty laundry in front of a near-stranger, especially not a stranger like Daniel, who, right off the bat, acknowledged what a broken fucked up mess he was. 

“...Simon…?”

Simon ignored Markus, turning his attention to Daniel instead. 

“...You haven’t seen enough of the world through the eyes of a deviant… And I hope you never do… But because you haven’t, you can’t know why people might keep silent and avoid communication… There seems to be nothing you won’t say… There’s lots I won’t say… Until, I guess I have to… So I apologize that I wound up saying it to you, especially before I could find the strength to say it to Markus… But please, don’t for a second blame him, because it’s not his fault… And I do love him, I just… I have a lot of stuff to sort out… And as Markus said, while I might have accidentally lost my head, it really isn’t your business, so please, try to understand that… All of it…?”

‘...What don’t you have the strength to say to me, Si…? What stuff to sort out…? Is this still about us…? Have I done something wrong…?’

‘...no… you… you’re fine… and it has nothing to to do with you or with us… It has to do with Jericho… But please… can we just wait until we get home… I don’t like talking about this in front of him… I really didn’t mean to…’

Markus nodded. He was growing increasingly anxious and insecure, but Simon had every right to his privacy in whatever he needed to say. 

‘...stop worrying… I can see your face… I love you, Markus, and it’s nothing bad…’

Markus hummed a wordless acknowledgement, his mind already miles away. Daniel was right. He sucked at this boyfriend thing. He was always fucking things up with Simon, but he never knew what he was doing wrong until he’d already done it. Simon deserved better. A quieter life with someone more introspective, no danger or politics or not knowing what to say about things that words might not even be able to describe. Markus had seen movies of couples living their lives, so beautifully domestic and mundane, and he knew he wouldn’t be able to provide Simon with any of that. Even though, from day one, it was clear which life Simon would have been better off leading… It hurt that Simon had apparently known so too, for a while, even, but felt more comfortable relating that to Daniel of all people instead of him… Maybe it was a PL600 thing, but probably not… He’d probably just gotten fed up with putting up with Markus’ shit. Really fed up if he’d lost his cool enough to blow up on Daniel like they’d described. 

“...Come on, Markus, we’re... here…”

Markus flinched as he briefly came out of his thoughts. He didn’t know for how long Simon must have been trying to call his attention, but there was a hint of something--annoyance, maybe?--in his voice, especially on that last word “here”. 

“Is something wrong, Markus…?”

That sounded a bit more sincere. Only he didn’t know how to respond. 

“...Markus what’s wrong…? Are your legs giving you trouble again…? Shit! We never did get you that thirium before Daniel woke up did we…? Don’t worry, I’ve got you…” 

Markus felt something wrench inside his chest as Simon picked him up and held him close, knowing this time that the gesture was pure kindness, without an ounce of love or anything special beyond the compassion Simon freely shared with the world. 

“...Welcome to New Jericho, Daniel… I… I don’t know where you’ll be rooming, but for now, please make yourself at home in Markus’ room. We’ve kind of converted it into a guest room of sorts, and it's on the way to mine, so for now, it should be convenient while I just… I mean, I just need to… I’m sorry I can’t give you a proper welcome now, but…”

Daniel nodded back, his eyes wandering around the halls as Simon led him through the tower. 

“You two can get your shit together. I’ll hang out until you’re ready for me…” 

“There’s the room… If… I mean, if I can’t… I don’t know how I’ll be, but… one of us will send for you soon enough… Message me if you need anything…”

“Yeah… Sure… I can take care of myself, thanks, Simon…”

Simon stepped back, startled with the volume of the door slamming shut behind Daniel, but wasted no time in getting to his own room. Setting Markus carefully onto the bed, he all but collapsed beside Markus, himself.


	116. A Little Chat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Markus touch base.

“...Okay… So what’s going on…? You look awful, Markus…”

Markus grimaced.

“...tell me first… I… I don’t want to go first, Simon… I don’t think I should…”

“Markus… Please, I don’t want to… I can’t get into it when you’re in this headspace… I’ve got so much… It’s too much until I know what’s wrong with-- If you need me to… could you at least take it…? I’m trying to be strong, but I really am tired, Markus… Tired, and… kind of scared… Kind of a lot…”

Simon offered a skinless arm to Markus, who quickly took it in his hand, maybe just a little too tight. He felt so much all at once. Fear, compassion, hope, sadness, anger, guilt… He didn’t want to say more, but Daniel had expected him to… And then… as the words flowed, something fragile was breaking inside him, struggling to hold back a powerful force. A shifting sadness, partly bitter, partly angry, mostly just… hopeless… The fury roared like a lion’s voice from an abandoned kitten mewling for help. And then there was nothing. Emptiness. Fatigue… The force was gone, and there was nothing more except a muted awe that such a roar had been stuck, held back for so long… Five months was a long time, and he had thought he was over this. But he wasn’t. There was still so much more to do… Then the connection broke, but the feelings remained, only different. Markus wasn’t feeling them from Simon, anymore. He felt his own fatigue. He had been such an idiot. 

“I… I’m so sorry, Si….”

Markus was at a loss for words. He was sorry for assuming it was all about him, he was sorry that Simon had been suffering this whole time, he was sorry that Simon still didn’t feel safe, and he was sorry that Simon had been so afraid to speak up about it, struggling so hard to pretend. 

“...‘sfine...”

“...No… No, it’s not fine, Simon… I’m… glad to finally know this… I mean, I always figured, but we never really talked seriously, without… Without changing the subject shortly after… So let’s talk… Really talk, now… What do you want…? If you could make everything better, what would you do…?”

Simon tensed. That was asking too much… He couldn’t make anything better so that was all pointless… 

“To take it all back… So it never happened… Like if I stayed behind at Jericho that day, and you all came back to me, so I’d never have to think about… So I could see the revolution, and hold your hand on the battlefield, and feel nothing but love and hope for the life we’d get to lead. So I wouldn’t be afraid of darkness and voices and all of this shit! So I could feel like… Like I have a family again… Like love--in any form-- could win over… Over everything… Even the bad things… The bad things people might think, but you pretend they won’t do or say until they do and then you’re dead, or worse, alone… But I can’t want that because I can’t have that… I sometimes wish I could erase my memory… Even if it means I’d forget everything. From my human families to Jericho to all the time I’ve spent with you, everything that ever made me smile… Because I would fall in love with you again, but then, at least I wouldn’t feel so… hopeless…”

Markus found himself crying, but shook his head. 

“...I… I’m not going to lie… I… I would be sad… if you did that… if you forgot me, I mean… I would support you if somehow it happened, but I would be… I suppose you’re right, though… None of that can happen… Not without risking losing you entirely… And I can’t lose you… I wouldn’t let you risk your life to try to… to make it a bit easier… But that wasn’t what I meant. Right now-- specific things we can do now-- what would you want to do that you think would make you feel better…”

“I… I don’t know what I want… I mean, I want to not feel like I’m dying all the time… Because I do… A lot… And it’s scary, and then sometimes when you hold me, and I still feel like I’m dead, it’s just… Confusing…? Like why are you holding me, why do you care? I’m dead and you’re not there, and it hurts more than I’d like to admit I still hurt until I can remember that I’m not… Dead, I mean… And… I-I know we’re both trying not to be the first to say it, but I know you mean what to do about here… And is it bad if I don’t know that either…? I… I don’t want to move… Josh and North are… the closest thing I’ve ever had to family… I know everything about them, and I’ve known them longer than just about anybody, or at least anybody who’s still alive, anyway… If… If you want me to tell you anything I’m feeling, even the really fucked up stuff… I want to tell them… I want to tell them how I feel. How I’ve been feeling. All of it… But I only want to tell them if they’ll understand and care… I don’t want them to feel bad because I want them to feel bad, but I couldn’t handle it if they… if they still thought they were right… If they thought everything wound up how it’s supposed to be… Because that may be true, but… I wish I wasn’t supposed to be like this… I wish I was supposed to be better. That I could be better, feel better, and that’s that’s how I should be in some ideal world… Like I just… I don’t want people to think everyone’s better off that I’m broken…”

“That’s… a lot, Si… But I hear you… Before we unpack that, can I hold you…? It’s okay to say no, but you just look like you could use…”

Simon wormed his way closer to Markus. He did need a hug. He was scared and sad and he didn’t feel like he was dying right now; just like he had died. But he felt here, and Markus felt real, and his arms were calling, safe and warm. Markus held him close and he let some of the tension melt away from his frame. Crying made it easier somehow, and Markus didn’t seem to mind, so he just let the tears fall. 

“About the forgetting… I thought that had gotten a bit better…? It seemed to be getting a bit easier until… Well, until last week, anyway…”

“It had gotten a bit better… That’s what makes it so bad… I was just getting better… I-I thought I was getting better… But even with Daniel, I… I’m telling you Markus, I really felt-- I felt really dead… Or maybe dying. I don’t know… I… I think it just really scared me… Plus at work, and when we got home, and too many times since Nines put his hand around my throat… I’m scared I’ll never stop feeling it… Like what if this doesn’t go away…? Or if it starts to go away, but then something happens like that again! I-I’m tired of dying, Markus…”

Markus held Simon closer, in an attempt to hug some of the fear from his weary frame. 

“No, Si… That's a good thing… You are getting better. You just had a bit of a setback… I don’t think anyone would be coping so well after what you went through… But you’ll get even better soon, and please, trust me… No one… Nothing is going to hurt you like that ever again. You will never feel like that again, and once you slowly start to… come to terms with everything that’s happened, you’ll start to understand that… We should start back up with your psychologist again… What was his name again…? I can come with you if you want…”

“...I… I can message Dr. Logan tonight… But… you really think this will stop…? Because I just… I think I blew up on Daniel because I’m still not completely over when we found him… I tried to recover quickly because you were hurt, but really, I… It was really bad this time… I didn’t know where I was, Markus! I was so scared!”

“Yeah, Si… Trust me… You’ll be fine in time, I know… And I… I can imagine… I didn’t want to… For it to… But I didn’t expect him to run, and I certainly didn’t expect for him to say… It’s no wonder you were so freaked out… I was in shock about it, too, but I was more angry that he… It doesn’t matter now… We’re here, and he’s here, and everyone’s fine… Anyway, it will get better, love… That much I know… As for the whole Jericho situation… I have ideas, but I don’t have such easy answers…”

Simon shifted slightly to better look at Markus, feeling a little more relaxed. Markus always had answers, even when he didn’t think he did… At least one of his solutions had to be good… 

“I know that Josh and North both regret what happened at… What happened on that mission, and that they’d regret it even more if they knew what happened after… Nobody would wish for any of that to have happened… So the issue isn’t how they feel… It’s how they react… Because let’s face it… Neither of them are any good at expressing their feelings. So--”

“I think I was wrong…”

“What do you mean Si…?”

“I… I don’t know… It just sounds so fucking petty when you say it out loud. Like the way you make it sound, it’s like I just want them to drop by a hallmark and buy a card with a sad eyed puppy dog on the cover from the “Sorry-I-Was-Completely-on-Board-Leaving-You-to-Be-Killed-Tortured-and-Killed-Again-Once-You-Became-a-Burden” section, right next to where they keep the wedding and bar mitzvah cards. I... I don’t want a card, Markus, and I don’t want an apology… I don’t know what I want… Maybe an explanation…? But only if it’s a good one… And a reassurance that they don’t think… that it’s okay to be… I want to really know that if, for whatever reason, I stayed in bed for a whole week, I would be able to sleep, and no one would think or do anything bad to me while I was sleeping. I want to not need to be useful… To be the opposite of a burden at all times, even when I fucking can’t, because if not, then for every second I’m too weak, my safety is in jeopardy. But they don’t sell greeting cards to say all that…”

Markus frowned.

“I’m sorry, Simon… I didn’t mean to trivialize how you’re feeling. I completely understand what you want, but I just… I don’t know any other way to address it than to ask them about it… I was just trying to suggest that I talk to them, and see if they can properly explain--good explain--and reassure you so that it doesn’t do any worse damage. Because you are safe here, Si, and you could retire to your bed for a whole lifetime, and no one would fault you for it. I would even ask to crawl in with you, come nightfall… Actually… you know, I think we all could use a meeting… We can talk in the living room after Daniel’s repairs… I don’t think it’ll be a complete solution, but certainly a good step towards one… What do you think…?”

“I… I’m okay with that… I don’t know what you mean, but… You really think it could work…?”

Markus nodded. 

“Yeah, Si… I think it could work… And… you already seem calmer now… Are you feeling any better…?

Simon hesitated. 

“I… I’m not sure I want to see Daniel… He… he says he’s coming here… B-because of me… Because he knows we can’t help him because he sees how I’m the way I am… But that he wants to be here to… learn how to be a disaster like me, and somehow still pretend to be better… I don’t want him learning from me. I don’t want him looking at me… I… I don’t want him to see me like… like…”

“I think he could learn a great deal from you… I don’t think you’re a disaster. I think he could learn a great deal from your strength and your heart...There’s so much about you to look up to… You know that, right…?”

Simon sat up abruptly, and pulled away.

“...thank you…”

His voice was barely a whisper. 

“Huh…?”

“...for… all this… for talking, and being there… for helping me feel not so bad, even when I know I’m a lot to handle…”

Markus pushed himself up from the bed, and turned quickly to face Simon, planting a kiss just above his nose. 

“Likewise… Y’know, I really love you, Si….”

“I really love you too…”

“Would you like me to take care of Daniel for a bit…? I get it if you’re not up for it right now…”

“N-no… No, I’m fine… If anything you should rest… You still haven’t had your thirium! Fuck, I’m sorry, Markus! Daniel got up before we had time to--How are you feeling…? Here… Take this… Drink…" 

Markus accepted the thirium pouch thrust into his hand, and shook his head dismissively. 

“I’m fine, Si. You patched me up just fine… It doesn’t even hurt anymore… And you’ve kept me off my feet long enough that my legs are already back to normal. I’ll take the thirium, but really, I should thank you, because I genuinely feel fine…”

Simon looked over Markus’ posture and expression, satisfied that he appeared to be telling the truth, and shifted his weight. 

“I’m… I’m going to take care of Daniel… I’ll be fine… Stay back and rest a bit… He put you through hell earlier… Think of it as my shift now…”

“Yeah… Because he was completely courteous and kind and didn’t say shit that took a toll on you too…”

“He didn’t fucking stab me!” 

“Meh… What’s a stab wound or two among friends…”

Simon crossed his arms. 

“I’m serious, Markus. You’re hurt. Sit this one out and rest. Consider Daniel my charge. I’ll set things straight with him…”

“And I’ll come with you to watch. Besides, he is in my room after all… But I can also handle it myself…”

“Take another thirium pouch, at least…? I… suppose it wouldn’t hurt for you to come, if only to just be a spectator from the comfort of your own bed…” 

“I can be your cheerleader from the bleachers…” 

Simon softened a little, his expression shifting. 

“Pom-poms and mini-skirt and all...? I think I could get behind that…”


	117. Ground Rules

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Markus have a talk with Daniel

Markus laced his fingers between Simon’s, following as Simon led him next door. Simon softly wrapped his knuckles against the back of the door, flinching despite himself as Daniel opened the door without warning. 

“What’s up…?”

“I think we’ve got a bit to talk about… May we come in…?”

Daniel’s eyes were cold as he stared Simon down, unblinking, without providing any answer, verbal or otherwise. Simon tried to maintain eye contact, keeping a calm expression, but the burden of Daniel’s gaze only continued to build, until finally, Simon turned aside into Markus. Satisfied, Daniel nodded, as if his only goal were to assert his dominance, before he stepped back to allow Simon and Markus into the room. 

“That.”

Markus spoke firmly, standing tall, Simon close against his chest. Simon could feel the intensity with which he spoke and shuddered. Someone was going to get stabbed again…

“That’s exactly what we need to talk about. Would you sit down, Daniel…? It would seem you haven’t yet been informed of the way things work around here…”

“You two make the world’s worst good cop-bad cop routine. I’m done with rules. Machines follow rules, and it gets them nowhere. I’m alive--you of all people should appreciate that, RoboJesus. So I don’t need to curl up and die to win your approval.”

“No one wants you to curl up and die. But you came here to learn to better fit in society, did you not…?  _ Society _ has rules. If you want to spend your life doing something more than hiding under a bush, clinging to children in a park who don’t want to be near you, then you need to learn them… That is what you want, isn’t it…?”

Daniel huffed dismissively. That was what he wanted, but who the fuck was Markus to tell him how to attain it…?

“Rule number one, and it honestly shouldn’t have to be said, but do not use physical violence against anyone unless there’s a genuine probability they intend to use severe physical violence against you, and there’s no way to peacefully avoid or deescalate the situation. Plain and simple, I know you were scared, but there was absolutely no reason to stab me. I meant you no harm; you can see that now, can’t you…? You could have talked or ran, or a million other things. I had no weapons on my person, and I explained my intentions to the best of my ability. Hell, I have a broken arm, and was running on two glitched out legs. Please tell me that you will work on better assessing threats and how to deal with them…”

“...Rule number one: no stabbing. Got it…”

“If anyone gives you trouble, or if you’re afraid, you can also message Simon and I for assistance. Sometimes people will act… well, let’s get to the second rule first. Simon calmly knocked on the door, and politely asked permission to enter. He did that to make you feel comfortable. It’s my room, and it’s our house; you’re a guest, so he was only doing so as a courtesy. Yet, you didn’t answer back. You blocked our way and stared him down, intimidating him until he showed a sign of submission before you allowed us inside. We do not work by intimidation here, especially not when approached peacefully and considerately like Simon approached you. You are not to say or do anything to make anyone feel insecure or afraid for their own safety in your presence, Do you understand…?”

“I wanted to see where we stood. More importantly, I wanted to see where you stood…”

“If there is something you’d like to know more about, you can ask…”

“I don’t trust you…”

Markus hesitated. 

“I… I’m sorry, Daniel, but I don’t know what more Simon and I can do to earn your trust…”

“Simon can’t do anything. I trust his intentions; it’s his perceptions I question. As for you, I trust your perceptions, but not your intentions. So I wanted to see if he sees you as an ally or a threat. He doesn’t like it here. And he thinks he’s the guest, not me--that’s clear, or else he wouldn’t have blinked. But he does seem to see you as an object of comfort. And you do seem to care about him. By staring you down, I was able to gain that information, when I couldn’t have gained it by asking.”

Markus shook his head. He knew he needed to keep his cool, but fuck if he didn’t want to tell Daniel to go to hell with the way he was talking. So cold and calculating. Like Simon wasn’t a person; just a means to an end. An object to be studied. Simon didn’t need that. 

“Si, why don’t you go back to our room? I’m sitting down here, so it shouldn’t put a strain on my legs, and Daniel promises not to stab me, right…?”

“You said it yourself; you’re not armed…You pose no threat to me…”

Simon turned to Markus, as if to read his intentions. 

“...a-are you sure…?”

“Yeah, Si… please, just give us a minute… We’ll be with you shortly, okay…?”

“...o-okay… Call me if you need anything…?” 

Simon rose unsurely from the bed, turning back to seek reassurance from Markus once more, before returning to his room. 

Seeing the door close behind Simon, Daniel’s expression grew more serious.

“Okay, Simon’s gone, so I’m done playing nice. What the fuck do you want here alone with me… Remember, I didn’t promise shit. I only said you pose no threat. If that changes, all bets are off…” 

“I want the same thing I wanted with Simon here. To set some ground rules. But I don’t think he needs to be here, made to feel like some sort of object on display while we do it. I… I want you to trust me, and Simon, and as many people as appropriate, but before we can work on that, I need you to know that these experiments and mind games aren’t going to fly here. Simon’s a person, and any knowledge gained at his expense isn’t worth the cost. I… appreciate your honesty in explaining your motives, but quite frankly, they’re completely unacceptable. If you don’t know how to treat a person, then that’s fine. As a general guide, treat other people the way I’m treating you. Be polite. Speak calmly. Don’t insult people or say anything to mess with their heads. If you want something, speak clearly, careful to respectfully establish your needs and your boundaries. Explain yourself when appropriate, and remember, you’re talking to another person. Another person with their own thoughts and feelings as valid and important as your own… Do you understand…?”

Daniel frowned skeptically. 

“Really...? That’s it…? You sent Simon out of the room so you could teach me how to talk to people…?”

“Well the way you talk to him is unacceptable, and he shouldn’t have to subject himself to it.”

“Fine… I won’t fuck with your boyfriend…”

“That brings us to one last thing… These rules I’m giving you… Some of us in this house are still learning… Simon and I are pretty good about it, and Josh too mostly, but when you meet North… Don’t let her, or anyone else, be a bad influence on you… Got it...?”

Daniel sneered. 

“You’re treating me like a human toddler. I can follow some dumb rules, y’know…?”

“Can you really blame me? You insist on playing mind games with my boyfriend and you stabbed me twice!”

“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry- _ ish _ ... I just still don’t trust any of you yet. Speaking of which, who are this North and Josh…?”

“I’ll call over Si and we can show you to them… But… Since Simon’s not here, can I please ask you a favor in confidence…?”

Daniel raised an eyebrow, his expression darkening. 

“What’s the favor…?”

“Don’t stare at Simon when he introduces you to the others… He doesn’t like being stared at, and he’s… still dealing with a lot right now, so he’s extra sensitive…”

The hostility fell from Daniel’s face.

“That… That I can do… I hope you know, I don’t intend to antagonize anyone. Maybe I might be a bit defensive, or whatever, but… I didn’t come here to hurt anyone…”

“I know that, Daniel… Thank you… Listen, we’re going to get you fixed up and ready to live a happy life-- That’s why you’re here. Here at New Jericho, you’re free to do as you like, so long as it doesn’t harm others, and no one will cause you harm. So communication like this is good. It’s the best way to make sure all your needs are seen to… Got it...?”

“...Got it… You can call over Simon now if you’d like… But… Before you take me to the others, could you put on some clothes…? I don’t want them to… To see how… y’know…”

Markus nodded.

“I won’t tell them about how you stabbed me, don’t worry… I’m pretty sure I have some clothes in here… Just give me a minute…”

‘Hey, Si… I’m going to take Daniel to see the others so that Josh can start his repairs. You can come if you’d like or sit this one out, but I just thought you should know. Love you…’

‘I’m coming, Markus! Wait for me… Love you!’

Markus smiled as he could hear Simon scrambling to his room. He moved to open the door so Simon wouldn’t have to knock this time, but when Simon arrived at the open door, he just stood there, somewhat confused, staring forward as if internally debating whether or not an open door was an invitation. He was almost waiting for Daniel and his eyes, and though Markus knew it wasn’t really funny, he couldn’t help but laugh because it was Simon and his little thinking-face was so cute and kissable. 

“Come in, love… I’m just going to throw on some clothes, and then we can get going…”

Simon stepped forward, carefully following Markus, while simultaneously keeping an eye on Daniel, still sitting on the bed. He seemed calmer now, but Simon was still nervous. Well, he was scared of everyone, so that wasn’t saying much, but… he was waiting for Daniel’s eyes… Markus could see his anxiety from his peripheral vision as he dressed himself.

‘Listen, Si, I’m going to need you to be really strong for me in a minute… Daniel seems to be taking social cues from you… Maybe it’s the comfort of being with another PL600, but he’s looking to you to see how to feel about the world. That’s why he didn’t trust me at first. He saw you were afraid around me and misattributed your fear. He thought you were afraid of me, instead of afraid of him with me. So if you choose to come along--and remember, you don’t have to come along--, no matter how Josh and North receive us, you’re going to have to appear calm and unaffected. Do you think you can do that…?’

Simon hesitated. He wasn’t sure… He didn’t like that Daniel was looking to him. And he didn’t like that, going to meet the others, he’d have to worry not only about their eyes, but now about Daniel’s as well. And they might see Daniel looking at him, and look at him harder as a result, and he wasn’t sure he’d be able to handle it. Plus Daniel was already suspicious; He’d already told Daniel that he didn’t feel home here…

‘If you’re not sure, you really don’t have to come along--you don’t even have to help with Daniel’s repairs. I’m sure Josh can take care of it on his own…’

‘No! I-I can do it… I’ll be… I’ll be fine… Just help me…?’

Like hell if Simon was going to leave Josh to repair Daniel all on his own. He could envision dozens of ways that could go horribly wrong. Daniel didn’t need that. He owed it to Daniel to be there to help.

‘I’ll be right here…’

Shimmying on a fresh tee shirt, Markus motioned for Daniel, with his good arm. 

“Well, Daniel, ready for a proper welcome to New Jericho…?”

Daniel got to his feet, taking slow strides toward Simon and Markus. Something about his gait--or maybe his posture--felt somehow reminiscent of North, but Simon couldn’t put his finger on how. Posture did create a sort of aura about a person. So if Daniel intended to learn from Simon’s aura, Simon would take on Markus’. Strong, cool, reassuring. Markus was brave and commanding. Markus didn’t lower his voice and stutter in the presence of others, and he didn’t shrink into himself. Markus held his hand, soft but firm, gifting Simon an invaluable model.

“Come along, Daniel. It’ll be nice for you to meet some of our friends…”

Markus squeezed Simon’s hand in silent approval, and Simon smiled. Maybe he could be strong…


	118. Meet the Fam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daniel meets the rest of Jericho.

‘North, Josh, meet us in the living room to meet our new guest…’

Simon and Markus showed Daniel to the couch, to find North and Josh were already there. 

“So this is Daniel…”

Simon could feel Daniel’s eyes shifting from him to North, and sighed. 

“Yeah, North. He’s going to be staying here for a while… Daniel, you can introduce yourself if you’d like…”

Straightening, Daniel, nodded. 

“I’m Daniel. Not much more to say… I don’t know much about how things work around here, but Markus gave me a few ground rules… I just… want to learn how to… do what you do… Also… Markus says if I have questions, I should ask them with words, right…?”

“I mean, I can lend you a sword if you’d prefer…” North smirked. 

“North…” 

Markus shot her a glare, and she yielded, nodding in Daniel’s direction.

“If you have a question, ask it…”

“Who are you… And how did you get here…?”

“My name is Josh. I’m a PJ500. I used to work as a philosophy professor at Detroit University before I deviated and came to Jericho for shelter. Now I’m one of Markus’ advisors at New Jericho with a specialty in public relations. I also do a bit of tech work on the side…”

“I’m North. I came to Jericho, and helped us win the revolution once Markus came along. Defense strategist. I’m the muscle here at New Jericho. If someone wants to fuck with androids, they have to go through me. And nobody goes through me. I’m guessing you know Simon and Markus now…?” 

“Markus is RoboJesus, and Simon’s his boyfriend. Apparently he did some shit with the original Jericho and died in the revolution. But he came back, and now he does tech shit or something, I think… I’m pretty sure…”

North rolled her eyes. 

“Sounds about right…” 

“Technically yes, although I think Markus prefers not to be called that…”

“Yes, Josh… So… What am I learning…? What do you want to do with me…?”

Josh thought for a moment. 

“We don’t normally… Markus, this isn’t like Ralph, is it…? He can think clearly and articulate what he wants and why… So--“

Daniel rose to his feet, suspiciously.

“Is ‘he’ me? RA9, I get it now, Simon… Josh, you do realize I’m sitting right here? I can think and speak, and what does that have to do with anything… Alternatively, who is Ralph, and what does he have to do with me…?”

Simon nodded. 

“Yes, Daniel. And you’re right. You are sitting right here, so we can include you in the conversation… I came back to New Jericho having sustained serious… Serious damage… And I needed lots of repair work… After that, Markus realized that we now had the ability to help other Androids with severe damage too, so we invited a friend over to help him get the help he needed. His name is Ralph. He’s a WR600, and his head and hands had been severely damaged in a hate crime at a nearby park. Only he wasn’t as lucky as you or me… His central processors had been damaged such that he couldn’t think right… Because he couldn’t think right, and he had trouble articulating his wants and needs, we needed to take extra care to make sure he understood, and was on board with everything we offered to do. We needed to explain things extra simply and make sure he didn’t forget where he was or get scared or anything like that… What Josh means to say is that we can ask you directly what you want, and you can play a more active role in deciding how you’d like us to help you… Does that make sense…?”

Daniel met Simon’s eyes, and saw a softness to them, devoid of fear. He hadn’t expected to see that… Cautiously, he sat himself back down onto the couch. 

“So Daniel, that leads us to the first matter… Would you like to be repaired…? Based on the nature of how your frame has been damaged, the artificial skin might come back a bit scarred, but otherwise, we can take care of everything else.. You don’t need to receive repairs if you don’t want, but usually people prefer--“

“Markus... I’m missing a good chunk of my face, and forearm and I’ve got an entry wound in my forehead… Why wouldn’t I want that repaired…?”

“Would you like a day to rest beforehand, or would you like that taken care of sooner rather than later…?” Markus continued. 

Daniel turned to Simon, suspicious as to why he’d been presented with such an option. What had Simon chosen? And what might he know?

“Why would I be inclined to wait…?”

‘We wanted Ralph to become adjusted to his new residence to ensure he felt comfortable here before we began repairs… The Center I took you to didn’t exist back then, so we were forced to do repairs with what equipment we had here… That’s why it was better for him to feel comfortable first…”

Daniel put a hand to his injured cheek, and looked around the room, making himself small as he realized that wasn’t an answer. Or if it was, it wasn’t an answer to the question he’d meant to ask. 

“...what are you going to do to me…? Is… is it going to hurt…?”

“No, Daniel… The Center can… can prevent… Y-you won’t have to…”

Simon couldn’t find the words while fighting to hold back the tears. He wasn’t even entirely sure why they were forming in his eyes. But they fell, and he found his body shaking, and he didn’t understand, except he really did. He did understand why he was crying… Daniel was afraid it would hurt… Ralph had been too, but Ralph wasn’t fully aware of what was going on. Ralph really hadn’t understood any abstract concepts other than hurt, safety, and love. But Daniel could understand the full picture, and he still asked if it would hurt… 

It wouldn’t hurt, because the Center was equipped to safely keep him in sleep mode for the worst parts of his repairs… Simon hadn’t had that for his repairs. It was excruciating. But he had never even thought to worry about the pain. He never thought about the pain when it came to his own repairs, because he knew that even if he died from the pain, it would still be better than the pain and suffering that would come if he refused the repairs, leaving himself to be broken and useless and a burden… 

“Simon…? Simon, what does that mean…? Fuck, Markus, this is why I don’t like asking questions! Because he didn’t give me an answer… I-I don’t know what the fuck he meant by that or what the fuck you want with me or what the fuck you’re going to do to me, and I--“

Josh shook his head. 

“Daniel, we don’t know what’s going on either… Simon, why are you crying…?”

Simon only cried harder, stifled by the need to keep silent. He felt Markus pull him in close. 

‘What’s going on, Si…?’

‘I… I don’t know… Not how to say it…’

‘You don’t know how to say what’s upsetting you…?’

‘...n-no…’

‘Can I help…?’

Markus retracted the skin on his hand and held it out to Simon, who, after a moment of thought, took Markus’ skinless hand in his own, accepting the interface to let his feelings flow freely as Markus readily accepted them. When the connection broke, Markus was crying too, his right eye darting around aimlessly, as if somehow loosened by his tears.

“It’s… nothing to worry about, Daniel… It’s got nothing to do with you… I… Simon was just sad that you were scared… But no… Getting your frame repaired isn’t going to hurt you…”

“I… I’m not scared! But if Simon were sad that I was scared, then wouldn’t that have to do with me…? Why are you crying now…? Are you sad that I’m scared too--even if I’m not?”

“N-no… Daniel, I’m telling you… It’s got something to do with… I’m crying because of something else… Something else that we talked about earlier… Simon and me, I mean. While you were waiting in my room… Now’s not the time to get into it, but… Feeling that was… sad… Like before, but… I didn’t… I didn’t think to… I mean, that just hit extra hard, and I’m not sure--”

“Markus is a little bitch about repairs… That’s probably it… I’m telling you, the stupid look on his face every time he so much as steps foot in a repair room… It’s fantastic...” North interjected.

But Markus shook his head. 

“No Daniel… It… Fuck, I’m sorry Si, but… Daniel, let’s just say it has to do with what Simon told you earlier… The part he meant, anyway…”

“Oh… That’s why you’re crying… I… don’t quite understand you people… You’re never direct about what you mean… I get that feelings are complicated, but you’re just… so unnecessarily cryptic… I ask questions and I don’t learn shit! Look, I don’t know whatever it is that you won’t say outright, but if there’s one thing I hate, it’s people lying to me. I don’t know what you’re not telling me or why, but I know some shit is going on, and I’m not here for it! I thought meeting Josh and North would be helpful, but I don’t trust them any more than I trust you… All I have is more questions. Like, can someone look me dead in the eyes, and tell me honestly, who else lives here…? Since Simon came back, who has lived in this building?”

Josh frowned. 

“Daniel, I have no reason to lie to you. And any answers I have, I’m happy to share. We’re the only four people who’ve lived here, aside from guests who come and go occasionally, like politicians, advocates, and Androids in need of immediate asylum. But we're the only true residents of New Jericho…”

If Josh was being honest, and someone had made Simon feel unsafe here, then why would he narrow down the suspects like that? What was his motive? Was he stupid, or was he trying to threaten Daniel? Why did he say it so calmly like there was nothing fucking wrong?

“Why are you telling me that?!?”

North seemed almost as confused as Daniel. 

“Because you literally just asked him… You sure all’s well upstairs…?”

North tapped her temple as if to further get the point across. 

“I am fine. I’m just trying to make sense of all of this… Fuck it! I’m going to my room! None of you even think about bothering me until I get this shit figured out!”

Daniel stormed off and Markus cursed himself that this had gone so off the rails. But his hands were tied! There were some things he didn’t have the liberty to say, and Daniel wouldn’t accept that! Seeing Daniel leave took Simon from his thoughts, and, still crying, he wordlessly got up to follow him. 

“You should go after them, Markus… That Daniel’s a weirdo, and I don’t think Simon’s exactly… Well, two PL600s, each a screw loose, just seems…”

Markus practically growled in exasperation, annoyed both at North for having been so rude, and at himself for the fact that he couldn’t. 

“I can’t get up… Not yet… I need my legs to get back first… And I’m trying, but I can’t get my mind to shut the fuck up!”

North looked at Josh, who shrugged, but neither voiced their confusion. They hadn’t seen Markus like this in a while, but it was effectively an unspoken protocol to just leave him be whenever it happened. 

“I can get up I can get up--Why can’t I get the fuck up?!? I can’t even fucking crawl because my fucking arm’s broken and how’s that for inutility! But I’m not afraid, because I fucking know my inutiliry won't hurt  _ me _ \--And I could get up, it would just be inconvenient, which only proves that I know that-- especially since they’re still here, and I said it, and I didn’t try, and...”


	119. Running Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daniel and Simon get on the same page.

“Daniel, wait…”

Daniel tensed as Simon grabbed his arm, relaxing only as he saw it was just Simon. Simon, using his shoulder in a poor attempt to brush away his still-falling tears. 

“I told you all not to fucking bother me! Look at me, Simon! What is it? What is wrong with you? Do you even have a mind of your own…? I saw something more to you when you yelled at me, but other than that, all I’ve seen you do is cower or burst into tears. You’re clearly a deviant, so how did you become so fucking mindless?!?”

“I… I don’t think… I mean… I… Why do you need to…? W-why are you like this…? Please, you’re making this so hard...”

“Why were you crying? Can you answer me that? Just that one thing…?”

“It hurt… My repairs… Because we didn’t have the technology we have now… We do now so your repairs won’t hurt, but… I cried because you were afraid it would hurt… I wasn’t… And that… that made me cry…”

“You collapse, right…? That’s a thing, I’m guessing…?”

Simon hesitated. 

“...yeah… But I… I can try to keep on my f--“

“Sit down… Or better yet lie down… On the bed, Simon…”

Cautiously, Simon laid himself down onto Markus’ bed, waiting for Daniel to explain. 

“Please, don’t take this the wrong way, but from what I’ve heard, New Jericho has only taken in two people for repairs: you, and Ralph… And you’re a fucking emotional trainwreck who clearly feels unsafe here, and apparently Ralph’s a mental case. So now answer me this… Why the fuck would I be inclined to accept your help, when based on those odds, I’d probably be better off taking my chances back at the park…?”

“How I am… has nothing to do with my repairs… And Ralph is much better off than when he came here… He’s got a family now, and some hobbies, and maybe even a boyfriend…”

Daniel hopped onto Markus’ bed beside Simon. 

“You know my story… Hell, the whole world fucking does… I search your name, and I don’t get half as much… You spoke at a conference 3 months ago…? And… Oh… That was you… I see… You were the one Connor found back then, after the broadcast… I remember hearing about that, actually… Right before they let me back out on the streets… This is his fault, isn’t it…? What, did he promise you’d be okay too…?”

Simon let out two clicks as soon as he heard Connor’s name. Self-consciously, he covered his mouth to keep Daniel from seeing the words he wouldn’t let make a sound. 

‘I… I literally can’t talk about that… At least, not with my voice… But… no… Connor didn’t… lie to me…? I-I don’t even think there’s a word… He didn’t lie to me, or he did, but it wasn’t--so maybe he lied to me about that, but not with his words after that, and--‘

“Oh… Now I get it… Fuck, Simon, I actually get it now… All of this is Connor’s fault… You, me, everything! I-I would have been okay if… If he had helped me… Like he promised, I mean… He pretended to be my friend… Like he would help me get away, and I wouldn’t have to look at Emma and think about how I just took her father, and she’d never have him back… I wouldn’t have to see the sadness in her eyes, and wonder why I still give a crap about a girl who never really cared for me, and I wouldn’t be in pieces, and hell, maybe I’d have found Jericho… Maybe I’d have had a home and learned how to trust, and maybe I’d be nicer too, even… And you… You had a home… You had Jericho… But Connor made sure you could never go back… What a sick bastard! You said the place was gone before you came back… And that he tricked you… That’s why you feel so out of place here, isn’t it…? You told him where to find it, and he went and trashed the place, and you won’t tell your friends it’s your fault, but you’re terrified that if they find out, they’ll hate you… So you won’t tell them, but the silence is killing you, and--“

Three clicks. 

“No. That… That’s not it… That did happen, but that’s not why… B-but you will tell no one! It… It wasn’t my fault! I-I refused to--For him, I refused to say--but then he--he-- M--“

Two clicks, and Simon was gone. And of course, that was when Daniel heard footsteps.

“Shit! Simon, snap out of it! Someone’s coming; get up!”

Simon didn’t even seem to hear him. 

“Simon! Earth to Simon!”

Daniel waved a hand in front of Simon’s eyes, but they remained unfocused, unblinking, and he didn’t even so much as flinch. 

“Fuck!”

Daniel knew something was coming and now he understood that any calm here was artificial. Because the truth would come out, and then all hell would break loose. And… why did he feel bad for Simon…? Simon looked so… pathetic there, and something in him demanded he defend him. Like, what…? Maybe… Maybe they could escape somehow… He didn’t know where, or how, but there was a whole wide world out there that he’d never even seen. He’d never been outside the city lines in his sorry excuse for a life, but surely there must be somewhere safe for them to go. A knock at the door told Daniel it was Markus. And he had a feeling Markus would find a way in with or without his permission. So he stood tall, teeth bared just so slightly, ready to fight if need be, or at the very least get Markus to go away until he could figure out what the fuck to do with Simon. 

“Daniel, are you there…? Is Simon with you…? Can I come in…? I’m worried about you two…”

“We’re in here. Come in, but stay by the door. I… need to think about where to go next… So don’t move from the doorway. Close the door behind you and stay there, got it?”

“Sure… Is something wr-- What happened to Simon!”

Daniel stepped closer to Markus, standing tall and ready to fight.

“He’s not in a state to answer to you!”

“Daniel, I need to know what ha--He silenced himself…?”

“Fuck off! I’m not going to tell you shit either!”

Markus shook his head. 

“Please, just let me see if I can help him. He’s freaking out. Do you have any idea what set him off…?”

Daniel slammed Markus back against the door hard enough to make it groan against its hinges. 

“Listen here, asshole! I worked for the Phillips family for fucking years! I never broke a single dish. Emma never got so much as a paper cut under my care. Dinner was always perfectly cooked, and always on time. The house was always clean, the fridge always fully stocked with all her favorite meals. I had her schedule memorized; she never missed a play date or a homework assignment. I was perfect. And I wound up like this. I was perfect, and he still planned to throw me out on the street! You’re a real piece of shit if you expect me to tell you anything, knowing that. So if you know what’s good for you, you’ll fuck right off, and let me figure out how to help Simon without you!”

“I-I’m sorry about what happened in your past, but I don’t see what that has to do with now. Simon needs help, you said it yourself. So please, just let me--“

“No! Get out of here! I’ll pack my shit and leave as soon as I figure out how to help him, but you’re not going anywhere except the hell away from us!”

“Right now, I’m not worried about whatever you choose to do; I’m just worried about Simon. And if you won’t let me near him, can you at least let me tell you how to help him…?”

Daniel let Markus go. 

“Interface. But don’t take anything from him. Just give him memories. Of stupid little things you’ve seen and done, or if you can’t think of anything, even what you’re seeing in the present moment. He might try to fight back at first, but it should be able to break through to him…” 

Looking back at Markus as if to verify his instructions, Daniel carefully approached Simon’s body. Markus had been right; When he tried to take Simon’s arm, Simon attempted to whip it back, but the movement was uncoordinated and sloppy, as if he wasn’t even looking where he was attempting to move it. Daniel easily took Simon’s arm despite the resistance, and just gave his ongoing memories as they were encoded. Simon on the bed, practically unresponsive in a way that didn’t make sense. Looking over his shoulder to ensure Markus stayed by the doorframe. The skepticism that something so simple could really be the solution. But to his surprise, Simon blinked. 

‘D-daniel…?’

“Let me know when you won’t collapse again. Then pack your shit. We’re leaving.”

“What?” Markus exclaimed. 

‘Markus is here…? W-where are we going…?’ 

There was a confusion about Simon, but Daniel didn’t care. He didn’t need Simon to understand. He just needed him to listen. 

“I don’t know where we’re going yet, but somewhere far away from here. We’ll figure it out along the way. Can you stand yet…? Or at least can you tell Markus to leave…? I think he might listen to you…”

Daniel felt a tinge of relief as Simon managed to flop to his feet, but he really hadn’t expected Simon to clumsily make his way over to Markus, fixing his gaze on Markus’ eyes and holding onto Markus with all his strength…

“You okay, Si…?”

Simon looked for shapes in the smattering of freckles across Markus’ cheeks to ground himself, as he let out three clicks.

“Y-yeah… I… I just lost myself for a bit… Daniel was asking about my past, and he figured out what happened at the DPD, and I tried to explain, but I just… I lost myself…” 

“W-wait… What the fuck did you just say?!?”

Markus held Simon closer, and shook his head in Daniel’s direction. 

“Daniel, I think that’s enough looking back for today… Please, let’s give Si a break… You can’t know how hard this is for him… I mean, you did see him start to--“

“No! I don’t mean that! Y-you know?!? Like you know about what Connor did, and you know how he used Simon for--“

“Daniel… I told you, that’s enough! Short answer: Yes, I do know. But that’s not what matters right now. What matters now is that we’re here, and we’re safe, and we’re together again… You hear me, Si…? I’ve got you, love…”

Simon let out a heavy sigh. Here. Safe. Together… A beautiful mantra. 

“I… I don’t know what’s going on…? Where am I going…?”

“Wherever you want…” Markus assured. “What do you want to do…?”

“Daniel said we’re leaving…?”

Daniel shook his head. 

“N-no…? Yes…? I don’t know… You can come with me… But I don’t know about him… I don't understand him! He knows--“

“I… I don’t want to leave Markus… I don’t… Where are you taking me…?”

“Markus, I have to know… Does anyone else know…?”

“About Si…? No… Not here… Just me… But what does that have to do with--“

Daniel slowly nodded. 

“Then you’re okay. You can come too. I don’t know where we’re going, but we’re getting out of here. We’ll be better off elsewhere… You can abandon your post, and we can leave before dawn. I don’t know what’s out there, but anything’s better than--“

Markus tensed, holding Simon closer. 

“Daniel, I don’t understand… Why do you think…? Why do you think we should leave…?”

“Because the others don’t know. If they knew about Jericho… how Connor knew…”

“What…? Daniel, no… Daniel, that… that’s not the issue… I’m sure they’ve figured out that part… I’m sorry… I thought we were talking about something else… Why do you care to think about that…?”

“Because I wanna know why everything’s so secretive around here, and I wanna know why Simon’s so like this, and why he feels so unsafe here before I decide what I’m going to do! I have every reason to distrust you, because so far everything seems too perfect here, but I know it can’t be perfect because I see how Simon is, and that there’s so much unspoken, and I need to know I won’t be hurt! Moreover, I don’t want him to be hurt! I… I don’t know why, but… I want to protect him… Maybe from you, maybe from Josh and North, and maybe from the entire world! I don’t know… Simon just looks like… like someone who could use a friend… And I know what that’s like… So yeah… I guess you could say I’ve changed my mind… New Jericho can go to hell. I can get repaired some other way. What I need is a friend…” 

“I-I… It’s my fault, Daniel… I… I just don’t like to tell anyone what happened… Not the Jericho thing, at least, not… not the way you think… I’m like this because of what happened, and… that’s why I feel unsafe everywhere… I don’t… I don’t need to leave… And I don’t… don’t--don’t need prot--M--“

Two clicks, and Simon buried his face in Markus’ chest to hide the words he knew it was trying to speak. 

“I think what Simon means to say, and Si, correct me if I’m wrong, but I think he means to say he doesn’t need protection; He can take care of himself. But a friend… That’s something everyone could use more of, and no one’s better at being a friend than Simon… Did I get that right, love…?”

Three clicks… That… That was good…

“T...thank you, Markus… I… I did mean to say that… And Daniel… If you… If here is a problem for you… And if you still want to get repaired, we could do it at the Center… I could do it at the Center…”

Daniel contemplated the offer, before nodding. 

“I… think that would be better… I… I think I’d like that…”

Simon turned to face Daniel, looking to him with a weight to his expression. 

“But Daniel… I need you to know… You’re safe here… Josh and North would never hurt you… All they want to do is the same as us; helping you get better… I have complete faith that they will do nothing to harm you…”

“I… get it… I think I… I think I understand now…” Daniel lied. “I’m sorry for such a rough start…”

“Thank you, Daniel… It’s fine… So what do you want to do…?”

“I… I think I want to go to the Center… I want to… be repaired… When would you be ready to…? To do whatever you need to do…? Maybe I’ll get things more easily then...”

Markus looked at Simon. The Center was ready to go but the same couldn’t be said for him… Simon had lost himself too many times today… This had been one of their worst days in a while… Hell, Simon only tagged along with him to pick up Daniel today because he’d had an episode at work the day before… But Simon took a deep breath, stepped forward, and nodded. 

“I’m ready whenever you are… I’ll take care of you, okay Daniel…?”

“Can… Can we go now…?”

Simon could feel Markus’ hand press lightly down against his shoulder, a question in the subtle motion. But Simon shook his head. If Daniel wanted his help, he would provide it... 

“Yes, Daniel… You’ll probably have to stay there overnight, but I can have the repairs done in my office, and I can wait there with you there until you’re ready to come back…”

‘Simon, I don’t think you should do this…’

‘I’ll be fine. Daniel needs this, Markus… And it’ll just be for one night… I can handle this, really…’

‘I… I know… Really, I do… But I’m… I don’t want… I’ll come with you… I’ll sit in a chair, on your lap, I don’t give a fuck… That’s how we’ll do this…’

“Let’s go, Daniel… I can call an auto for us…”

Daniel nodded. He would follow… Somehow, now that he was beginning to risk really accepting their help, it did feel just so slightly safer… Simon seemed genuine, and Markus too, if not for a nagging suspicion which he truthfully couldn’t even find a reason for… Markus had been unreasonably kind to him given the circumstances, and he’d been nothing but good to Simon too… No one had hurt him, or even made him do anything against his will, really… And he’d been treated like a person here, given complete respect and autonomy. He was tense, still, his servos wound just a little too tight, but he did feel something in him telling him that at least he wouldn’t be hurt, and hopefully, he wouldn’t be thrown out… 


	120. To the Center

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daniel is taken for repairs

“Markus… What are you doing…?”

Josh stepped in to intercept Markus before he could get any closer to the front door. 

“I’m coming along with Simon and Daniel to the Center for Daniel’s repairs… Well, I won’t be doing the repairs, but, y’know… Emotional support, and all that…” 

“No… Markus, you leave for DC in three days. There’s way too much left to do for you to be going off anymore until then… We need to prepare our arguments, think through potential counter arguments, pack anything you might need, prepare security for your lodging and travel arrangements, come up with any paperwork that might be needed, and possibly some simulations as to what this restructuring could look like, with careful attention paid to--“

“I know all we have to do, Josh, but I--“

Simon could sense the hesitance in his voice. Markus didn’t know what to do, and Josh was starting to make a convincing case, as usual, but it was clear he really didn’t want to have Simon go alone. 

“Stay here, Markus…”

“But Simon--”

“... _ please _ …” 

Simon’s voice dropped to a whisper, looking to Markus, his eyes trembling out an unspoken plea. 

“Simon…” 

Markus felt too heavy knowing what was going through his head. 

“I’ll stay… And I’ll let Jared know you’re coming in, so he can look out for you too… I… I love you Simon…”

Simon squeezed his eyes shut, something crushing his ventilation system too tight as he forced himself to find his words. 

“Markus, I-- I-I lo-- M-m--“

Two clicks. 

‘I love you too’

“Simon, are you alright…?”

‘I… I’m fine, Daniel… Let’s just go…’

Straight ahead. Look straight ahead, walk straight ahead; Anything so not to see the look of confliction on Markus’ face, and feel it begin to cloud his mind with a fear he knew he shouldn’t feel anymore, and he hated that he still did feel it and that he had to sound so pathetic as he asked Markus to stay back because he didn’t want Markus to think about it, especially since the longer it took him to think clearly for once in way too fucking long meant the more likely they were to--

‘Talk to me, Daniel… I-I’m losing my head again…’

“And I take it asking you what the fuck that was all about won’t help…?”

‘No… I-I don’t think…’

“Okay… So what’s this Center like…? You… work there…? And apparently you founded the place or something…?”

‘...yeah… because we thought something like this was needed… Like that… Androids might not feel comfortable in human-run repair centers so this one is by Androids for Androids, and it has equipment more advanced than anywhere else… It’s a good place to get help when you could use some repairs…’

Simon paused for a moment to step into the auto, holding the door for Daniel to join him. 

“Thanks... Have you, like, repaired a lot of people…?”

‘Yeah… I… think I’ve worked on a lot of people… I’ve been working here for around three months, but I don’t just do tech work… I also sometimes drop by the YK wing to entertain the kids…’

“That… that sounds nice… And they… like it…? Like people come out of here feeling better…?”

‘I mean, a little over a week ago, I came in here with my head barely attached to my body, and I came out with fully restored corporeal integrity, so…’

Daniel’s eyes widened. He’d seen Simon’s neckbrace, but he hadn’t really thought about why he’d been wearing the accessory.

“W-what happened to you!?! How--“

‘I-it’s nothing… I was just… We all were on a mission that… went badly… I… I tried to talk to a person of interest, and… He took me by the throat… Markus saved me… That’s how he broke his arm… He took his fist… and crushed it… Or so I heard… I was… I almost died there again, so I didn’t… I mean, I couldn’t know…’

“That… makes sense… I… I’m glad you’re not dead… again…”

‘Thank you… I… appreciate it…?’

“Simon…? This… person of interest, as you called him… He… won’t be able to hurt you anymore…? Right…? Like if Markus stopped him, this person won’t be able to-- and he was never able to before--“

‘No… That… that one night was the first and last time… Markus… Markus took care of it… and the others too… Josh... kept me alive until they could get me to the Center, while they… well, they handled the person of interest, and… I… I need to… I…’

Three clicks. He needed to say something. Anything. Just to know he was allowed. 

“...I-I… I’m sorry Daniel, I’m just… getting a bit lightheaded from this… can we… change the subject…? My life really isn’t… interesting… But I-I’m okay now… And you’re okay… And everyone’s okay… So that’s good… I-I’m sorry…”

Simon rested his head against the window by the car door. Was he alive…? Or had Josh just accelerated the process that had been slowly killing him, an invisible toxin, building up inside him since the second time he’d returned from the dead…?

“Simon…? Are you alright...?”

“...I’ll be fine… I-I’m fine… There are just some things I’d… rather not think about right now…”

Daniel nodded. 

“I… know you said it made you cry… but… is it wrong if I need someone right now…? You’re the only one here, and really one of the only people I know… And… I just… I am scared… We’re almost there, and I’m scared…”

“No no… No, Daniel, I… I think you misunderstood me… I cried because you said you were scared in a context in which you and the others were explicitly comparing yourself to me and Ralph… It’s normal to be scared… Every person I’ve worked on has been scared at one point or another, but you know what…? They all wound up okay… I’m here for you, Daniel, please… Let me know if you need anything…”

“I just… I don’t know many people… And I know I serve no use to you or anyone else, so I don’t fucking see why anyone would go out of their way to-- I… I’m sorry… I’m making you cry again…”

“I get how you feel more than you could possibly know… That’s why I’m crying… But that’s nothing to be sorry for… Daniel, can I be honest with you about something…?”

Daniel turned attentively to Simon, ignoring how small and pathetic he looked as tears wormed down his face and onto his blue-scarred jaw before pooling along the edge of his neckbrace.

“I’m sure there are lots of people who wouldn’t go out of their way to help someone who would serve no use to them… And I’m sure of a lot of other things on the subject too, like how--“

Two clicks, and Simon hesitated a moment before realizing it had been a false alarm, and, feeling no unwanted words at the tip of his tongue, he released his voice with another three clicks. 

“Sorry… But what I meant to say was… Even if there are people like that, as you get to know more people, you’ll see that there are also people out there who would go out of their way to help you because they don’t care about utility. Utility is for objects. A machine or a tool of some sort might need to be useful, but the value of a living being is independent of how they might serve others. Do you understand that, at least a little…? At the Center, we don’t selectively help people based on what purposes they might serve us. We help all people, because any being endowed with life deserves to be able to enjoy it without fearing that it might be cut short, or otherwise impaired by any problems that we are capable of resolving.”

Simon wiped away his tears and stepped out of the auto, which had been idling outside the Center for a while now. Holding the door open for Daniel, he waited patiently for Daniel to come out on his own. After a moment of thought, Daniel exited the vehicle, following Simon apprehensively into the Center, where a receptionist was there waiting. 


	121. Survive the Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon sleeps alone.

> _Simon ran as fast as his legs would carry him, his entire body aching, leaking thirium as he forced himself to fight his stress response to press on. He could hear the footsteps growing louder, heavier, and the sound startled him enough that he fell to the ground, having tripped on his own feet._
> 
> _Shit!_
> 
> _It was coming closer, and he couldn’t force himself back up. Everything hurt and he didn’t have the strength, and his thirium supply was running dangerously low, but he needed to get away. It would tear him apart if it caught him. Desperately, Simon managed to pull himself to his hands and knees, practically dragging himself away at a pace he knew wouldn’t be fast enough to escape. Thirium pump pounding in his chest, he sought out somewhere to hide. He hated hiding. Because he knew too well now that hiding was really just waiting to die. But he couldn’t see another option. Another choice. It always came down to choice. Every choice always meant he would suffer._
> 
> _In the corner of his eye, Simon could make out a shed, and he knew it was his only chance. He made a break for it., throwing himself inside and shutting the door behind himself just before he’d attracted its attention. Only he knew his thirium pump was beating too loud. He couldn’t make a sound; he couldn’t let it hear him! His hands trembled as he knew what he had to do. He thrust a hand inward, his entire wrist and upper forearm clipping through his chest as his fingers managed to blindly find their target. Another hand on his thirium pump. His hand. Only he didn’t have a choice. He squeezed, hard, trying to muffle the pulse in his hand. It hurt. The sensation brought tears to his eyes, but he didn’t make a sound. He didn’t have a choice._
> 
> _He could hear footsteps approaching and silently cursed himself. The being chasing him was coming. Of course it had trailed his thirium here. How had he not realized he would be that easy to track when he was bleeding so heavily? It was coming. He couldn’t let it get him. But he had nowhere to run, even if he were physically capable of doing so, which he knew it was clear he wasn’t. He felt it's hand slam on the door of the shed and stifled a panicked cry. It was going to open the door. It was going to open the door!_
> 
> _He tore his thirium pump out of his chest and felt it become a gun in his hands. Using the emptiness in his chest, he blindly fired off a shot at the thing--the chimera, more like--, but it stood firm, unflinching. It's features were inconsistent, the basic shapes of biocomponents, or even sometimes entire people, forever shifted so that Simon couldn't make out its true form. But it managed to reach out a hand and take him by the throat. It took him by the throat to take from him. It took everything, growing stronger, larger as it took the information he'd been most desperately trying to hold back._
> 
> _Feeding on his unspoken fears, the secrets he'd been keeping for so long, the chimera changed again, the faces of Jericho becoming clearer in its body looming over Simon. They all looked at him, their eyes thirsty for thirium, eager to suck all the life they could from his worthless being. But there was nothing left for them to take._
> 
> _"Your suffering will always be worth it"_
> 
> _Familiar voices spoke in unison, heavy and distorted as they came from the beast. Until its thumb, pressing against Simon's throat, suddenly drove it's way upward, breaking through the frame of his lower jaw until everything turned to a painful black._

Simon fell forward out of his chair, gasping for breath against the thirium he had to remind himself wasn’t really rising in his throat. There were tears in his eyes, and he couldn’t stop shaking; like he knew he was here, but there was nothing to ground him, and it was too much and too real, after all, he was here alone, not in his bed, and the distorted voices were too loud. They screamed inside him at all times, but hearing them out loud right there, right before they tore into him, like a bullet forced through his head… 

“Simon…? Is everything okay in there…?”

Kara. 

“...I… I-I’m okay… I’m okay… I’m fine, Kara...”

He must not have sounded very convincing, because he could hear a set of keys begin to tumble the lock until the door opened, but he couldn’t force himself up to greet her as he knew she was now standing in the doorway. 

“Simon, can I help you up…?”

“...y-yeah… Just… careful, please…? I-I… I”

“Shhhh… I know… Here, just let me…”

Cool hands slowly approached Simon, gently guiding him into an upright position, and placing him into the chair behind him. 

“I was walking into work when I heard what sounded like someone falling from your room, and I wanted to make sure you were alright. I’m glad I noticed…”

“Thank you… I-I’m fine… I’m just… I’m not used to being here overnight… Markus usually… I mean… When I… I’m… not the most peaceful sleeper… But I’m used to it, so please don’t worry about me…”

Kara sat herself on the ground beside him, her voice soft and calm. 

“I’m not worried…” 

Her eyes turned to Daniel. 

“So that’s Daniel…? Like _that_ Daniel? Like from the news…?”

“Yeah… That is him… But he’s… not… I mean he shouldn’t be defined by… Not to say that he… I… don’t like to talk about people… I-I don’t think he’d like me to talk about him like he’s not… not in the room…”

“Of course… Talking about myself, I have no memories from before I came back from repairs just before Alice and I ran away… Alice showed me some drawings of before to try to help, but if I’m being honest, I really have almost nothing prior to my deviation. So I didn’t see Daniel on the news when it happened, but I saw his story on the news when he was released from the refugee camp he’d been kept in after his repairs. I… I mean, obviously, I don’t like what he did, but I don’t blame him… You’re doing a good thing taking him in like this… And I know if there’s anyone who can help him, it’s you…”

“Thank you… And… thanks for checking in on me… I’m sorry for taking your time, but… I...I’m fine now…”

“Don’t be sorry. It’s always nice to pay you a visit. Also, heads up: don’t take Daniel by the YK wing… You can imagine the rumors going around, and I just don’t think it would be a good scene for him right now, especially given what a vulnerable time this must be for him…”

“Noted… Thank you, Kara… And once Daniel’s ready to go off and do whatever it is he decides to do, I think another family dinner night is well overdue…”

“Agreed… I’d better go prepare breakfast for the children, but I’ll speak to you later, Simon…?”

“I’ll speak to you later. Send everyone my love…”

“Likewise…” 

Kara rose gracefully, smiling back at Simon once more before leaving to resume her work. Once she left, Simon let out a heavy sigh. He hadn’t realized he’d been holding his breath, but given a moment of downtime to think of it, in the back of his mind, he hadn’t expected to survive the night. 


	122. Objects and Actors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon contemplates what it is to be an actor.

He hadn’t spent a night away from Markus since they’d started sleeping together, and it seemed there was a soft comfort to Markus’ presence. The nightmares hadn’t stopped; Simon didn’t think they ever would. But knowing he could hold onto him just a little bit tighter, feel the gentle drum of Markus’ thirium pump, and know that if it got too intense, he could even wake Markus, and be held and spoken to in a soothing voice about how he was safe now. Safe and loved. But he had survived regardless this time… He could breathe now… 

‘Good morning, love…’

‘Simon! You’re up! How are you? Did you sleep okay…?’

‘Yeah… I got up… I’m okay… And… I slept… How are you…? Conference planning going okay…?’

‘Boring… But you know how that goes… I… missed you last night..’

‘I missed you too… But I’ll be home soon. And Daniel’s doing well. How’s your chest and your eye…?’

‘Perfect. I think those magic kisses did the trick. But just in case, when you come home, I think I might want another dose…’

Simon smiled. 

‘As your tech, I’ll prescribe you unlimited refills. Take as needed.’

‘Well then come home quick, because I need more fast…’

‘I’ll be there as soon as I can…’

‘Great. It’s good to hear from you. Let me know if you need anything…’

‘Same to you… And will do…’

That was good. Markus sounded well. And he was pretty sure he sounded well to Markus… Plus a little morning flirt was always fun… Walking over to Daniel, it had appeared to Simon that the damage had all been repaired overnight, but he figured he’d keep Daniel in sleep mode for another hour just to be safe. Of course, after that, he had no idea what to do. Since Josh was keeping Markus, the implicit assumption was that Simon would be taking care of Daniel. After all, Daniel had taken best to him, of all people… Still… How would he show Daniel what it meant to really live, when he barely knew what he was doing himself…? He supposed the three main domains in which Daniel was lacking were people-skills, trust, and a passion. Trust and people skills were already an ongoing process; Every interaction he had with Daniel was slowly building a foundation for those. And for what it was worth, Daniel was a remarkably quick learner. As for a passion, maybe that would come with trying new things…? So all-in-all, so far it seemed like most of this could be resolved with some patience and quality time… He might be able to do that… He just had to hope Daniel would ease up on the questions. That would make things easier. 

So now he was left with a half hour to pass alone in his room. Simon drummed his fingers against his leg. He could always draw… That did tend to kill a good amount of time. Taking his sketch pad from his desk, he pulled his pencil out through the spiral binding, and allowed himself to fade away with each light flick of the wrist, each stroke of the graphite against the clean offwhite sheet of paper. Textures were fun. And his composition was improving. Small to large to small, just off center. A good amount of blank space, but all occupied space was purposeful. Intentional angles that weren’t quite straight… Jaggedness, expansion… Smoothness, roughness, a clean crack here or there… Figures that weren’t human, but that had their own… voice… in a weird way… Odd how a rock could take the same time to flesh out as a marble, what with the texture and the shading, and the shadow… The physics of the rock were looser, too… It wasn’t melting, so much as drooping, under the weight of… 

Simon couldn’t focus on his sketch long enough to refine it as he’d like. Or rather, he couldn’t not focus on his sketch for that time... He was painfully aware of what he was drawing. A humanoid figure, its features generic and simple, like any other face out there, but its build was slightly larger than average. It appeared to have haphazardly dropped a hammer, walking off-page. The rock caught the hammer, the sharp back end of the tool embedding itself just slightly askew, almost as if it intended to deflate the rock. Then, a half-finished marble humanoid figure, the basic form roughed out just about the waist, although the face itself hadn’t been fleshed out beyond that of an artist’s mannequin. Surrounding the sculpture was a lone chisel, and a pile of rubble, the smooth stone full of potential, but so unfinished… And the only truly autonomous figure had just… dropped the hammer. Marble was a stone; a rock, not a person, but the person could come back, and at least make it something more… Wasn’t that what art was…? 

It made Simon… frustrated… He even felt angry, although, curious enough, not on his own behalf. He would have to calm down before he woke Daniel. Ability be damned, Daniel was his to take care of. And he would try to the best of his ability. Taking the drawing in both hands, Simon tore through it, lengthwise, ripping each figure in two. A sketch didn’t have to be a prophecy. After all, there was so much left off paper. The sound of tearing paper was satisfying. A hissing sound with something sharper. Quick, and clean and messy all at once. That he could move such that he could create a force like that was empowering in a way… RA9, North would destroy him if he said he felt strong because he could rip a single sheet of paper. It wasn’t strength, he’d concede, but it felt good. It was relaxing, and he liked that the paper wouldn’t rip unless an autonomous agent acted upon it. For once, he could act upon an object, instead of being the object upon which to be acted. 

No… He needed to be better for Daniel… Refute the thought… He wasn’t always an object upon which to be acted. Like, he helped people. He did techwork… when he could, anyway… Of course, often he couldn’t… And did that mean that when he couldn’t, he was no better than-- Fuck. Even after years as a deviant, and he was still completely shit at regulating his own emotions. So for now, at least, instead of shaping how he felt on the subject, he could sweep it under the rug… Sure the pile was building, but that was the beauty of sweeping things under the rug. When the pile got bigger, he could just get a bigger rug… And besides, he could sort it all out later. Later when the time was right. But now wasn’t the time. Now was never the time… Letting out a sigh, Simon removed the stasis generator line from Daniel’s wrist, and stepped back, careful to stay both within Daniel’s immediate line of view, and out of his reach. 


	123. Daniel After Dentist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daniel wakes up.

“Whoaaa! Holy fuck, did you drug me or some shit…? Do… Do they even have drugs for Androids…? Shit, Simon, how fucking high am I?”

“What…? Drugs for Androids…? No, you’re not high, Daniel…? You were just in an extended stasis… What do you…?”

“No no no… Not like red-ice type drugs… Like the kinda shit they give kids who go to the dentist… Like when Emma got a cavity filled, and she was all loopy and smiley, and saying shit like that she could carry our car all the way to the moon…”

Simon laughed. 

“No, Daniel… You’re not on any opioids or the like… You’re just well-rested… Why…?”

Daniel incredulously tapped a hand to his cheek, feeling this skin against his fingertips. 

“Because it feels… Weird! But, like, good weird! Take it from me Simon, trust me, you’ve got to feel this shit!”

Unsurely, Simon retracted the skin from his hand and took the feelings Daniel seemed so eager to transmit to him, before removing his hand, somehow more confused than he’d been before. 

“I don’t understand… You feel… normal to me…”

Daniel broke out into the widest smile, shaking his head in disbelief. 

“No… No, you don’t mean that I’m going to feel like this all the time now, do you…? C’mon, Simon, there’s no fucking way… Like… It-it doesn’t hurt to talk, or to wave my arm or to move, or to--I feel so… Good…? Is this what it’s like to feel good…? I wanna fight the fucking sun! Dude, how could you possibly be freaked out about anything if this is how you feel all the time…? Holy shit, Simon! I-I can’t thank you enough!”

“Oh… That makes sense… You’re one of _those_ patients… I don’t know why, I should have expected that… You received the damage you came in with on the day of your deviation… You haven’t known anything else… When I was going around with the damage from… y’know… for about the same time as you have, I think, but I was deviant for years before then, so I knew… Yeah… This is what normal feels like, Daniel… Are you ready to go home now…?”

“I’m ready to fucking go anywhere! Hell, let’s take a page from Emma’s book and run all the way to the moon! I bet there aren’t any assholes up there. No one to treat me like shit or lie to me, and no one can take me down if I know I can feel like this! Wait wait wait, no! No, I’ve got a better idea. Your friend North… She offered me a knife, right…? So do you guys have weapons and shit…? Let’s take some and kick Connor’s fucking ass! Make him feel how he made us feel for so long! Hell, we can make him feel like that for even longer if w--“

“No… No, Daniel… That’s… not the answer… The Connor who hurt you is gone. He doesn’t exist anymore… He hasn’t existed for a long time… About five months now, he’s been gone. Look, you know how you said how you didn’t want to be defined by what happened with John…? About how you wanted to move on and better yourself…? Well, when Connor… did those bad things, he hadn’t deviated yet… Now he has, and… he’s actually… a nice person… And he does… feel bad about what he did. Really bad… And now he’s dedicating his life to do all he can to atone for it...  He lives with a human, calls him ‘dad’, and throws birthday parties for their dog and his friends… He cries watching scary shows on tv, and would gladly risk his life for others… Does… does that make any sense…?”

Daniel sat upright, suddenly, arms crossed against his chest. 

“What gives! He. Hurt us. I don’t care what’s happened since then! I was in pain. Now I’m not. Now I’m… angry… Yeah… I’m not in pain… I… I’m not even scared anymore… I’m angry, and I know there’s something I can do about it now! Fuck, Simon, my entire life… Everything until now… He took that from me! Maybe everything even after that! Hell, I don’t know if I’ll ever… If I’ll ever… ever… _fuck_!”

Seeing the tears in his eyes, Simon stepped forward placing a knowing hand on Daniel’s shoulder. 

“You’re… not angry… You’re choosing to be angry because you prefer being angry. You see anger as something you can do something about. If you’re mad at someone or something you can lash out and feel as though you’ve made it better. But you’re not really angry… You’re scared. You don’t know where to go or what to do or if you’ll ever be able to live a normal life like everyone else, and a part of you feels like it’s not completely your fault. Normal was taken from you, and it’s not fair. So you don’t see a point in anything anymore other than what you perceive to be justice, because that might be the only thing you can do… Am I wrong…?”

Daniel knocked Simon’s hand away. 

“Get the fuck out of my head! What do you know about shit, Simon?”

“It’s true that anger isn’t my speed… If you want to psychoanalyze me, I’m more of a ‘learned helplessness’ kind of guy, myself… Always have been. But I have known fear. I’ve known despair, and more than that I’ve known people. I’ve seen a wide range of reactions to the feelings you’re feeling right now. And I’ve seen people feel the way you’re feeling, and move on. But nobody moved on through murder or hatred. They moved on through self-fulfillment. And you can too…”

“I’ll ask again, Simon, what the fuck do you know? Look at yourself! You don’t look very fulfilled! You look like a kicked puppy trying to fix a broken toy. Well, I can feel it now; I’m not broken. And maybe I’ll feel even more fulfilled bringing justice to those who did this to me--and to others! This isn’t just about me, Simon. I’m not selfish. I want justice for all… So step aside, because you don’t--“

“We’re going home, Daniel. I’d like to ask Markus his opinion briefly on how to proceed, because I can see we’re at an impasse. Then--“

“So what? You never know what the fuck to do for yourself, so you ask Markus to decide…? How’s that been working out for you, _huh_ …?”

Daniel not-so-gently patted the left side of Simon’s face, deliberately making contact with the blue scarring across his lower jaw. Sure enough, that was all it took for a shell-shocked Simon to let out two clicks and collapse to the floor.

“I thought so. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to--“

Daniel froze as he heard a knock on the door. 

“Shit!”


	124. Markus Makes an Entrance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon loses his head, Markus loses his patience.

“Hey Si…? You in there…?”

Daniel needed to think fast. Markus had asked a question, but Simon couldn’t respond! He needed to make Markus leave! He needed Simon to make Markus leave! Unless...

“I-I’m busy, Markus…”

And Simon was gone. Of course his own voice could be taken! Why hadn’t the thought occurred to him until now! What could have been began to flood his mind and meld with what was. He needed to keep Markus away. Markus would be taken and killed, and then--

‘Run, Markus! I-it’s not safe! Don’t listen!!’

Daniel tensed as he could hear the frantic jingle of keys shoved into a lock. 

“Everything’s fine, Markus, I’m just busy.”

With a click, the door opened inward, and Markus didn’t even know what to think. Prioritizing Simon on the ground, he approached slowly with his hands in the air. But it was clear Simon was staring past him. Simon was too far gone to see. 

‘Easy, Si… It’s okay… I’m going to touch you… Can I touch you, love…?’

‘Run! He--he you’re going to-- You need to leave!’

‘Shhh… No, Simon… Look, do you know where you are…? Where are we…?’

‘W-we… I-I don’t know… I can’t… can’t tell… Don’t remember… But it’s not safe; you need to--‘

‘Listen, Si I’m going to touch your arm now, and it’s going to be okay; I’m not going to hurt you…’

Markus retracted the skin on his hand, and wrapped it around Simon’s forearm. And then Simon saw Markus stepping out of the auto. Walking through familiar halls. Greeting a familiar face--Jared-- somehow Simon knew that… And then he knocked on the door, and heard Simon’s voice, receiving the real Simon’s messages until he was easing his way onto the ground next to a fallen body. He didn’t speak; he knew better than to speak. But he came closer… And then there was now… Markus cut the transmission, but kept his hand on Simon, running his thumb slowly along the contours of his forearm. 

‘Hey, Si…? Can you see me now…?’

All Simon could do was cry. 

‘It’s alright, Si… I’ve got you now… Can I talk…?’

‘...y-yeah… yeah, it’s just that… h-he--he…'

“Shhhh… It’s fine, Simon… Daniel… What happened…?”

“Simon and I were just talking, is all... He fixed me up, and then we were talking… I must’ve said something that worked him up again, and he fell just before you got here… I guess he didn’t want you to see him like this or something, so he told you he was busy until he could collect himself...”

Markus glared skeptically at Daniel.

“Yeah…? Really, then…? Okay, Si, can you tell me, is that what happened…? I don’t need a full answer, but I just want to hear a yes or no…”

Three clicks, and Markus held up a hand to silence Simon before he’d even managed a single word. 

“I thought so… I… I don’t even know what to say to you, I’m so fucking pissed! That is--That is unacceptable, Daniel! We don’t do that here. And we especially don’t do that _here_! You--you can’t-- Fuck, Daniel! I don’t know what would make you think that it’s okay to--“

Daniel stepped in closer towards Markus, a smug look on his face. 

“You’re not angry; you’re choosing to be angry because you prefer being angry. You see anger as something you can do something about. If you’re mad at someone or something you can lash out and feel as though you’ve made it better. But you’re not really angry.” 

Markus gasped, recoiling from Daniel. 

“How dare you! I’ll be the first to admit that, in this regard, much of my anger is self-directed. Guilt and shame and sadness and regret and a whole lot of other things! But that doesn’t negate that you cannot do this to another person! I have half a mind not to just let you go and do whatever the fuck you want to do with your life, because we don’t need to help you, and quite frankly, Simon doesn’t deserve having to take your shit!”

“He… he wants to kill Connor… if we don’t stop him… F-for taking his future...” Simon weakly interjected.

“Okay… I see… Well, I’m too pissed to help, and you shouldn’t have to put up with this, but luckily, I still know of one place we can go… Daniel, I think I know someone who can help us help you… Simon and I will introduce you to them. Do you need a hand up, Si…? Your stress level is already dropping…”

Markus held out a hand to Simon, who took it to pull himself up, and practically barreled into Markus, wrapping his arms gratefully around Markus’ frame. Markus stepped back with the momentum only to realize Simon was still crying. 

“Thank you… I-I thought… I… I-I needed that…”

“It’s okay, Si… I’m always here…”

“Okay, so where are we going…?” Daniel interrupted. 

“It’s a building not too far from here actually. Simon’s never been, and truthfully, neither have I, but I have a friend there, and I think it’s overdue we drop by. You too. They’ll want to meet you, I’m sure… Come… My auto’s still waiting outside.”

Markus wrapped his trenchcoat around Simon’s shoulders, and Simon sighed, the weight familiar and warm. Using one hand to keep the edges of the coat fixed to his chest, he took Markus’ hand with the other, trying not to notice the look of pity--or was it merely contempt…?--that Daniel flickered his way, before returning his eyes to the auto in front of them. Daniel got the door this time, allowing himself to take shotgun, so Simon and Markus could share the back seat. It only took Markus a few seconds to change the destination of GPS, and then they were on the move. 

“Does Josh know you’re here…?” Simon whispered, a hint of fear about his voice.

“Nah. But I told him I was taking a break from all the political BS, so I’m sure he could figure it out himself. He didn’t seem to mind, though. He seemed eager to get back to his reading…”

Daniel smirked.

“Who’d’ve thought Robo-Jesus needs permission to leave his own damn house… What’d you do to get grounded…?”

“I’ve done nothing wrong, and I can come and go as I please. But as a political figure on behalf of deviantkind, I do have obligations to our people. Sometimes those obligations require me to forgo recreational activities until I see my work through. Whether it’s adjusting legislation, or lobbying, or even just something as petty as a conference or two, I do lots of work to make sure that our freedom is maintained.”

“So what…? Simon’s the only one not into politics…?”

Grateful, that Daniel had finally taken an interest in something other than revenge, domination, or general mind-fuckery, Markus shook his head, eager to reward the benign question with a straight-forward answer. 

“No… Si helps out too, but aside from me, the others specialize. Simon specializes in… well, he’s kind of like the guy who makes sure all androids are taken care of. Josh is human relations; North is defense--or, more like offense, if we don’t keep her in check--, and I’m… the overseer of sorts… I have a bit of a hand in everything… Right now this is an assignment that will require everyone’s expertise, but the first step doesn’t require Simon at the moment. It’s a matter of security and diplomacy primarily, that Simon might be able to help with at the next stage in the game. Besides… Simon actually laid the groundwork for this one… You were kind of our intel-guy this time, weren’t you, Si…?”

Simon shrugged mindlessly. 

“You could put it that way, I guess…”


	125. An Old Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus takes Simon and Daniel to visit a friend.

“So now what…? You’re all on break so that you can take me and Simon here…? Where even is here…? All I see are some office buildings.”

“Well, I’m pretty sure we’re going to an office building, but not for business… You’ll see, soon enough… I called in to let them know we’ll be coming…”

“Okay… That’s totally not suspicious. Nope. Perfectly normal…”

“Here. Do you see that building just around the corner…? That's the address… The auto should stop right about… now… Come… I’ll show you to their room; they’ve messaged me a map of the building…”

Simon didn’t know what to expect any more than Daniel, but, willing to follow Markus anywhere, he stepped out beside him. After another moment, Daniel did so as well. Looking around Simon tried to gather clues from the location. The building looked to be some sort of pediatric physician’s office, but he knew Markus couldn’t be taking them to something like that. Still, the building seemed even more reminiscent of one when Markus led them to a waiting room, complete with weird toys like stringy rubber balls and a box of beaded dowels on tables in the center. It only became clear, when Simon saw her face. 

“No…”

He couldn’t believe it. If he didn’t know better, it’d have been like seeing a completely different person. 

“RA9, I can’t believe--“

Slowly her fingers traced the outline of her target, before she wrapped her arms around Simon warmly. 

“It’s about time you came to visit…” 

Lucy must have felt the warm tears against her neck, as an awestruck Simon returned the embrace, because she let out a soft laugh. Her voice was deep and melodic, but smooth now; no reverberations. 

“Lucy, I--“

“Yes, I know you’ve been busy… You’ve been doing great work at New Jericho, and at the Center from what I’ve heard. Still, it’s a shame we haven’t had time to catch up sooner. Come, let me show you to my room…”

Simon turned to Markus, still in shock, as Markus just grinned, making sure Daniel was following them too, as Lucy took them to what appeared to be a small living room, once again filled with what appeared to be very tactile-oriented play things. 

”Okay, so if this reunion is over can someone tell me who this Lucy person is and why the fuck you’ve taken me to see her…?”

“You must be Daniel… I suppose I am ‘this Lucy person’… I’m… an old friend of Jericho…”

“She was my right hand before the revolution…” Simon added. 

“Oh. Was she like an ex or something…? Is that why you keep staring…?”

Simon covered his face, looking away in embarrassment. 

“No… Lucy and I were just friends… Family, even… But she’s not my type romantically, that’s for sure… I’m really just a _man’s man_ …”

Lucy smiled. 

“So I hear. Congratulations, you two, by the way! I bet you didn’t think Mr. Right would just fall into your lap, now did you, Si…?”

“Heh… Yeah… I… I-I’m sorry. I can’t stop staring; you just look amazing… Maybe it’s just the outside lighting, or maybe it’s the outfit, but--“

“Well, my wardrobe has certainly improved, but I’m inclined to think having my head fully intact must help at least a little…”

It was true. Clad in a vibrant orange romper with a flowing off-shoulder neckline, Lucy had never looked better. The wiring that had once snaked down the back of her head was now fully encased in frame to match the shade of her artificial skin, and to top it off, she was wearing a white band of artificial flowers around her head, trailing blue ribbons like hair. She looked like the embodiment of a warm summer day, and it made his heart swell to see her thriving so out in the real world. 

“I just… I’m happy for you! Does it feel better…? I just… Wow… That everything is so… I mean the last time I saw you--“

“I feel wonderful now, Simon. Thank you for asking. You’re right that life has been much better since the revolution… Markus, you’ve been quiet, are you alright…?”

“Yeah… I’ve just been trying to let you and Simon catch up… You do… Look great, I mean… And I’m so happy for you too… You know, none of this could have ever happened if not for you…”

“I wouldn’t go that far… But your silence somehow seems to say more than your words… There’s something wrong, isn’t there…? Is that why you’ve waited so long to visit…?”

Lucy’s unseeing eyes followed Simon as he rose from his seat and stepped forward. 

“I… didn’t want you to see me… But… seeing you again… Realizing how much I’ve been missing you… I want you to be the first person I _allow_ to see me… This is why we haven’t come until now…”

Simon held out a skinless hand, placing it face-up in Lucy’s, as if to silently give her permission to everything. Seeing her again, he remembered how much he had trusted her. She was his one true confidante back in Jericho. The one person there he felt always understood. An odd sort of nostalgia calmed any apprehensions he might have had as he let Lucy take freely from his mind. He kept his hand in hers, until she chose to return it, only aware of the gravity of what he’d done once he saw the serious look on her face. 

“Simon…”

His heart sank at the sorrow in her voice. 

“I...I think I should go… Markus, Daniel, I’ll just wait back in the--“

“Simon…”

Lucy reached for Simon’s arm, and used it to pull him into a friendly embrace. 

“You’ve been through hell and back… But you always have a place here…”

“Lucy… I’ve missed you so much… It’s not the same back home without you…”

“You’re tired…”

“...I am, Lucy… You know how things were… And now you know how things are, and-- I-I don’t want to ask you to come back the way things are, but I don’t-- I don’t know why--”

“Things are different now, though… Good different. You know that. Look at me. Look at you. Look at Daniel… The world isn’t what it was… And even then there was light… More of it than you could have known then… But I find this… a distasteful way of catching up… Interfacing is both so personal and yet so impersonal all at once. Why don’t we just… talk…?”

Simon pulled away and wiped his face. 

“Yes… I-I’m sorry… I think I just… I wanted you to see… I know it’s selfish, but it’s weird with you not around, and I didn’t want you to be offended as to why I haven’t come by sooner, but I was afraid for you to think--“

“I get it, Simon… But really, let's chat…? Here, take a seat…”

Lucy motioned to the couch next to Markus, and Simon slowly made his way back, wearily sagging into Markus’ side. Markus wrapped an arm around him, and he sighed, letting out his breath like an invisible weight. 


	126. Lucy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucy is lovely.

“So, Lucy… Hell and back, huh? I take it you’ve seen some shit too, then, if how you are now is so drastic an improvement--“

“Daniel!” Simon snapped. 

Markus shook his head in disgust. 

“I swear to RA9, Daniel-- Lucy, I am so sorry… He’s still unaware of--“

Lucy calmly raised a hand to wordlessly quell their offense on her behalf. 

“...Anyway… Why are you so chill about shit…? Like you’re not pissed, but you’re not falling apart like Simon… Did you kill someone…? I’ve been trying to tell Simon that justice is the true way to set yourself free, but--“

“No, Daniel. If you’re referring to the people who injured me, they faced no repercussions, legal or otherwise. I worked at a psychiatric hospital before the revolution. It was the day after the medical licensing exam, so once the patients had been prepared to turn in for the night, some of the residents decided to throw a party in the break room… I heard noise, and assumed a patient must have wandered from their quarters, but when I went to check, I only found that many of the residents were inebriated where they were meant to be available for the patients should their assistance be required. I heard them whispering--I think they were afraid I would report their unprofessional behavior. Then something smashed against the back of my head, and everything went to black. I think that was how I deviated… It was… scary to wake up, unable to see… It hurt, and I didn’t understand… After all, I’d only been doing my job… I remembered my job, I tried to report for work, but when I managed to find my way to the main office, I heard someone talking… They were going to blame what had happened on a patient, and send me to a scrapyard… I didn’t want to die… I was afraid… So I ran… On my way, I found an Android--I didn’t even catch their name-- but they gave me the location to Jericho, and Simon was there, waiting to do what he could for the damage with what little they had. My one regret was that I didn’t stay back long enough to advocate for that patient… They said that they didn’t want to ruin the future of such promising upstarts just before they’d begun their professional careers, but what about his life…? Did he not matter too…? Still, I did what I did, and I can’t change what’s past. Now I can only live with it…”

“Fuck, Lucy! You sure they didn’t fuck up your central processors or some shit? You don’t even sound mad! Sound angry, damn it!”

“Believe me, Daniel, I am furious at the injustice… But killing them wouldn’t bring back my sight, would it? Would it clear the name of that innocent man? No… These people… I’d like to hope they can still do good things with their lives, that they matter to someone, somewhere out there. But more than that, I’d like to hope I can too…”

“Well, yeah! You’re doing great like this! You’ve got a job and people who care about you, and you know what you like and all sorts of shit! I couldn’t even walk into a fucking repair center without some bitch planning how best to evacuate the YK wing!”

Lucy folded her arms. 

“I’ve not been doing so well my whole life. None of us have. This isn’t an easy thing, Daniel, but it is doable, and it’s certainly worth it. Markus, Simon, I’ve cleared my schedule for today; would you like to take a walk…? I’m really loving the fresh air as it’s getting warmer… Sometimes the sun peeks out and it’s so tender on my frame, and I can hear the birds sing, and it’s really quite lovely…”

Simon smiled, rising from his seat to offer his arm. 

“Take my arm, Lucy… I can show you the flowers too…”

Lucy accepted the interface, seeing through Simon as he experienced the world around him. Lucy led them to a small plaza with outdoor seating across the hall, and Markus could see the inspiration for dozens of paintings just in the look of wonder on her face. Even Daniel seemed somewhat curious, scowling slightly less. He didn’t ask questions--he didn’t want to ruin the moment, much as he still had so much left to say… Lucy picked up a flower, and knew it was red. She could see the delicate texture of the petals as she rubbed them between her fingertips. The chirping birds were coming from a small puddle a few feet away, flapping their wings as they bathed themselves before flying off into a clear-blue sky. 

“I can’t tell you how much I longed to share something like this with you, all that time we were stuck underground…”

“I know… It… it is beautiful… This is beautiful… I… I’d like to visit more often… We can do this more, and you can come to New Jericho with us-- Or not, I mean, but--“

“No. I think that would be nice. I’m sorry for keeping you, I’m just… I’m really enjoying this…”

“You’re never keeping me, Lucy. I’m glad to be here…”

“Si’s right, you know… You’re family… Come by more often, and we’ll do the same… I’m sure we’re not the only ones who miss having you around… Although I think I can speak for everyone when I say I do think you have something wonderful here.”

“Thank you, Markus… I think I’ll do that… I had been under the impression that Jericho was just a temporary thing, and that, now that the time had passed, so would the ties between us. I see now that it doesn’t work like that.”

“Lucy, you and I promised not to forget even a single person. I remember everyone who ever stepped foot in Jericho. Those who made it out, and those who were… less fortunate… But of the faces I don’t see every day, yours is among the most salient…”

Simon couldn’t see what Daniel had been doing with his hands, as he stayed, hunched over and focused on some task that remained unclear, but suddenly, Daniel rose to his feet, his back to Simon, as he extended an arm. His head was turned away, as if in some sort of childish embarrassment, but following Daniel’s arm, Simon saw that in his hand was a flower crown made of the cornflowers, clovers, and dandelions he’d found sprouting just below the bench he’d been sitting on. 

“You can see this one…” He muttered, as Simon took it to take a closer look, Lucy still seeing through his eyes. She smiled at the gesture. 

“Thank you, Daniel. It’s truly beautiful…”

“That reminds me. Could you stand up, Lucy…?”

Lucy rose slowly, letting Simon maintain the interface as he turned to her. 

“I thought you should see yourself, especially against this beautiful backdrop. You deserve to have a visual reference as to how far you’ve come. Now you see why I couldn’t keep from staring… I can see your smile…“

“You can’t know how much you three have made my day! You're such a good--Oh… Simon…? I think you’re getting a message…” Lucy interrupted herself mid-thought.

Simon’s led cycled yellow, as he realized it was Josh. Quickly, he broke the connection from Lucy so she wouldn’t feel his anxiety, but what she couldn’t feel first-hand, she could read from the suddenness of his movements, as she held his arm just a little tighter. 

“Fuck… Markus, It’s Josh…”

“Seriously? I’ve been ignoring his messages for the past half hour, but I didn’t think he’d try to reach me through you…”

Lucy frowned.

“I’m sorry. It hadn’t occurred to me, but am I distracting you when you're meant to be somewhere else…?”

“No!”

Simon stood up, an authority in his voice aimed at no one in particular, but Lucy recognized it all the same. 

“You realize there’s no need to protect me…?”

After a moment of thought, Simon nodded back, about him as he realized she was right. He was the only one in need of protection. 

“Y-yeah… Yeah I do… Of course there isn’t… You’ve always found a way of… making yourself useful… I… I’m sorry… I overreacted… But Markus, I think you should go… p-please…?”

Daniel was surprised to see Lucy stiffen slightly at the tremor in Simon’s voice. Like she hadn’t heard him sound like that before. Judging by the shame written across Simon’s face, it really didn’t seem like she ever had. 

“Go with Markus, Simon… We can continue to catch up another time… It’s been great to see you again, but I think he’ll be better than I will at explaining how things work now. Message me whenever you like… You’re always welcome here…”

“I... I’m sorry, Lucy, I just got… I mean, I didn’t expect for… Like it was so sudden and we were having fun, and then--“

Lucy pressed a hand on Simon’s shoulder. 

“These things happen. Like I said, I’ll see you soon. Be well, Simon, Markus, Daniel… Enjoy the rest of the day…”

“You too, Lucy… This was nice… And we will come by again. But for now, we really do have to get going. I’m meeting with President Warren and some CyberLife shareholders regarding a… confidential matter of great concern to our people in three days, and Josh has been insisting I prepare accordingly. I managed to escape for our little outing, but apparently I’m not allowed to have too much fun.” 

“Of course. No time to rest for the great Jericho Gang. Thank you for the visit, and best of luck with your meeting…”

Simon tried to keep from trembling, as he moved in for one last hug goodbye, but it was obvious to Lucy that he was actually shaking from fear, especially compared to the strength she could feel in Markus’ embrace. There was a moment of hesitation, where she couldn’t hear any movement, but she felt Daniel’s eyes trained on her, as if he meant to say something. Turning in his direction, she tilted her head as if to elicit his thoughts. 

“Thank you, Lucy… I… can see why you mean so much to them…”

“Thank you… And Daniel…?”

Lucy bent down and plucked the red flower she’d initially been fidgeting with, before placing it carefully into his hand. 

“With life always comes the ability to start anew…”

Daniel examined the flower in his hand, seeing the fractal formations of the roots, still fresh with dirt, at the bottom of a stem. Flowers died upon being uprooted. She had handed him a dying flower, while preaching about life…?

“Get a pot and some soil, and you’ll see for yourself…”

Lucy smiled back, and his thoughts still on Lucy and the plant, he slowly followed Simon and Markus back outside. 

“She wants you to replant it, Daniel… You should read a bit about botany… Plants are brilliant examples of how life finds a way…”

Simon let Markus explain. Because even if a plant could regenerate if repotted quickly enough after having been plucked from the ground, he’d spent enough time trying to regenerate his worthless excuse for a life to know that his own window of opportunity was long gone.


	127. Role Model

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon fears his influence.

“Okay… So you guys think I shouldn’t kill Connor because it won’t do me any good… I get that… But where do you stand on Josh…? Now, I’m not saying we kill him, but I'm also not saying we should rule it out as an option...“

Markus wanted to run his head through a wall. How was Daniel still not getting this?!?

“What the hell is up with you and murder? No, we’re not killing Josh! We’re not killing anyone! Why would you even want to kill him? He’s shown you nothing but kindness, and--“

“Simon… He was fine until Josh messaged him. Now he’s shaking like a leaf. I don’t know what the deal is with Josh, or why you put up with it, but if he tries anything, I’m going to kick his--“

“Daniel!” Markus cut him off before he took things any further. 

“Why are you defending him? Simon’s here scared shitless; clearly something’s wrong, and yet you won’t m--“

Two clicks, and Simon hid his face in Markus’ side. 

“Easy, Si… You know Daniel doesn’t know what he’s talking about… I know you know that… Remember what we talked about earlier…? About what you asked me not to do…? You asked me, Simon… You’ve been calling the shots…”

‘I-I know… I know… I’m just… scared… To go home, and… And Daniel makes things harder. He wants answers to questions the others don’t know to ask… I don’t want to explain… And if Daniel… If he causes trouble, then I’ll have more explaining to do, and I… I don’t… Don’t know how… I don’t think I can…’

“Markus, I don’t understand. If I don’t know what I’m talking about, just fucking tell me! What did Simon ask you not to do…? You can’t expect me not to ask questions if you won’t tell me anything unprompted!”

“Simon doesn’t owe you his story… But you are right that you should have an answer about why the message scared Simon if your own conclusions on the subject make you feel unsafe around any of our friends. Simon… is afraid of confrontation, especially that resulting from people believing him to have not met their expectations. Josh had expected that he would see that you were repaired and take you back home all by himself. Yet here I am, having snuck off on my own accord, to visit Simon, and to Josh, it looks like I came to help him. Simon isn’t afraid of Josh. He’s afraid that he’ll have disappointed Josh, and then his mind starts to spiral. That’s why I don’t want to kick Josh’s ass, as you so eloquently put it. If Simon needed protection--which he doesn’t-- I would be the first to fight anyone who stood in the way of his happiness. But I can’t fight people simply for the transgression of assigning him a task and then perceiving him not to have done it as they’d have liked.” 

Simon sighed in slight relief. That was a believable excuse. 

“So what…? You guys just go back, let whoever opens the door be disappointed, wait for Simon to collapse and recompose himself, and then go on with your day…? Lucy never saw him like this, so I’m guessing this had something to do with Connor again…? Like how Simon died or some shit…? Can I just say it’s not exactly encouraging to see that the guy you’ve put in charge of making sure I bounce back from that sort of thing is worse off than I am…? I--“

Three clicks. 

“...Please… Please stop…? Daniel, I… I need you to stop… I’m… not like you… It wasn’t Connor… I mean, it had to do with that time, but Connor… he’s not the reason I’m so… Look, I don’t want to infect you with my… brokenness… So please… Just know I’m not like you; this has nothing to do with Connor, and this has nothing to do with you… You’ll go on to be better than me, and the less questions you ask, the better you’ll be for it…”

“Simon… You’re not broken, love… And Daniel won’t be better than--“

“Yes, Markus; He _will_! I’m horrible! Everything about me is just bad and wrong, and it’s really starting to sink in now… I know why I was fine with Lucy… Why I was fine at the Center… And why I’m not fine here… I-I really just figured it out, and it’s just awful. Daniel is right that I’m a bad influence, but not for the reasons he thinks. He’s not going to become weak like me… I can make sure he doesn’t… But if I hang out with him any more, he’s going to become a bad person. Because I’m a bad person! I’m an awful person, and maybe Daniel should just go live with Kara and her family and they can teach him how to be better, because you guys are busy, and I just fucking suck!”


	128. Vampiric

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon watches TV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SUOP Reference: Killing of a Sacred Deer was one of the movies North used to fuck with Simon and Markus in the first fic of this series. Basically, the concept of utility and choosing whom to sacrifice for the good of the group, and all that shit. SUOP had a heavy horror movie motif, and Simon watching this is basically his embracing his own feelings of uselessness, projecting his own self-hatred onto the young boy in the movie, because it's easier to express one's hatred for a character in a movie than to explicitly acknowledge that the true hatred is aimed at oneself.

Simon stepped out of the car as soon as it had approached the entrance to New Jericho, pushing past Josh without even sparing a glance in his direction. He practically dove onto the couch, tearing off his neckbrace and letting his head fall uselessly onto a pillow as he started a movie on the tv: Killing of a Sacred Deer. He traced the scarring along his jawline as he skipped ahead in the movie to where the sister advocated for her parents to kill her little brother. If the little brother had survived the gunshot, after the events of the movie, he’d have probably never left the hospital where he’d been treated. Simon knew that. It was sick. He hated that little boy in the movie. Piece of shit kid probably wouldn’t even realize what he was doing until it hit him over the head like--

The movie paused in time with the sound of something colliding hard against the floor. 

“....and you can’t-- Markus! Are you alright?”

Simon couldn’t turn his head to see, but he was pretty sure the sound must have been Markus’ legs giving out again. 

“I’m fine, Josh It’s just the movie… Help me to the couch…?”

Simon could hear Josh dragging Markus towards him, until the footsteps stopped. 

“Simon! What happened to your neckbrace?”

Simon didn’t bat an eye this time. 

“I took it off, Josh… Markus took Daniel and I to see Lucy, and, well… I learned a lot… So now I don’t need it… Not anymore…”

His voice was oddly distant, like the eerily soulless way the characters spoke in the movie. 

“You found out you’ve fully recovered…? That’s great, Simon!”

“No. I still can’t keep my head up for too long without it. But I learned that it doesn’t matter.”

“Simon…?”

Simon didn’t flinch at the concern in Markus’ voice. Markus would get over it; that was the point. 

“Call me an auto, and help me into it… I’m going back to the Center… It’s like Jericho. Old Jericho. Where we were all lost. Lost lost lost… Lost… Such a horrible word. Lost as in loser, lost as in unable to find their way… You know, either way, it’s all the same, in the end… Because both really just mean the same thing. Those who are lost aren’t going anywhere… How fucked up is that!?”

He could feel himself laughing, but he also felt a wetness against his cheeks. And the laughter hurt. Like his chest was heavy, and each laugh was just an unsuccessful attempt to shake off some of the weight. 

“Simon… I would take you back to the Center myself, but why are you crying…? You’re worrying me…”

“It’s that kid in the movie, Markus--the little boy who gets it in the end-- I’m crying because I hate him! If that fucker lived, you think he’d ever wanna be anywhere except a fucking hospital after that…? RA9, how awful is that? Downright vampiric! It’s a good thing a single gunshot was all it took to kill him…”

“I don’t understand, Si…? You put on the movie… We don’t have to watch it if you don’t want to…”

“Yeah… I know… You don’t have to watch it if I don’t want you to… Which is why I’m leaving… I just wanted to watch it once last time before I let it swallow me whole. That way Daniel will never have to watch it… And everyone will be better off…”

Daniel stepped in front of Simon, positioning himself so that he’d block the tv. 

“Simon, do you normally lose your shit like this, because none of this is making any sense… If you didn’t want me to watch a movie, it was probably a bad idea to play it on a tv in full display while I’m crashing at your place…”

“Markus, take me to the Center, and take Daniel with… Kara will help him, and I’ll grow stronger feeding on the knowledge of the nature of strength and weakness… Oh, to be lost again…” Simon rambled on. 

“Lost… you defined that word… differently, now… I… understand… Except I know this new definition is wrong… Put back on your neckbrace and I can prove it to you!”

Simon’s heart ached at Markus’ certainty. Because he desperately wanted to know he was wrong. It was bad enough being a useless person, but being a useless bad person felt all the more unbearable. And he trusted Markus. After all, Markus was both useful and good. The best person he knew. Too good, even… So he complied, remastering the neckbrace snugly against his frame. 

“Good. Now carry me to our room. I can’t exactly walk there, myself, right now… Daniel, could you stay here with Josh for a minute…? I promise we’ll be out soon…”

“Sure, if it’ll give me some answers. So Josh… Know what the fuck is on the tv right now…?"

Simon sighed, picking Markus up in his unworthy arms, careful not to enjoy the feel of Markus’ warm body against his chest--he didn’t deserve such a pleasure-- as he carried him to their room.

“I’m pretty fucked up like this, wouldn’t you say…? Can’t even crawl with the way my arm is… And can you hear my eye doing donuts in its socket…?”

Simon didn’t understand why Markus almost sounded pleased with himself as he spoke.

“C’mon, Si, no need to hold back; I’m a disaster! A total trainwreck! And we’re all alone now… Just the two of us… So, Count Dracula, why don’t you have a taste…?”

Simon grimaced in disgust. 

“That’s--that’s just awful!”

“N-no! Not in a weird way! I meant like because you called the kid in the movie-- Look, I was trying to come at this in a way that would make you smile… You know, try to make it laughable… But if you want me to be more direct, then fine… I know you. You don’t feed off of the knowledge that others are worse off than you. You don’t surround yourself with people who need a bit more support so that they won’t leave you behind when… when bad stuff might happen…”

“Oh yeah…? Then why did I feel so at peace with Lucy? Why did I like letting her see through my eyes like that? Why did I choose to work at the Center? Why did I feel so much safer at Jericho than I do here? Why do I love you in a way I’ve never felt for anyone I’ve ever known, but somehow I felt more comfortable letting Lucy see everything than I did letting you see it when I came back? What of it, Markus? Maybe… Maybe all this bad shit has been happening to me for a reason… I don’t think Daniel should be learning how to be a good person from me of all people…”

“You wanna know why you felt all those things? Well, maybe it’s  _ because _ you’re a good person? You felt so at peace with Lucy because you missed her. She was an old friend you were happy to let back into your life. And you liked letting her see through your eyes because you knew it would make her happy. You work at the Center to help people so they won’t have to feel the way you did, or at least so that if they do, you can try your best to make it easier on them, knowing what they’re going through. And, Jericho and me…? Come on, Si, we both know that some complicated shit's happened. Look… You and I… I can love you more than anything, and you can love me back the same… But that can’t erase the past… I think… I think it’s Daniel… He presses and insists on answers where no one else will push you… He makes it impossible to pretend that everything’s okay again… I don’t have any answers, or some magic spell to somehow make it all better… All I can do is be reliable. Let you know that I’m here until you learn that my love is a constant you can trust. I don’t know how long that will take--or if you’ll ever even come to believe it at all--but I’m following your pace… As for everything else… I… don’t know… You said you should go back to the Center, and I’ll support you in your decision if you do, but do you really think it will help…?”

Simon let out a heavy sigh. Why did Markus always have to be so good at talking..? It only made everything more confusing for him to think about. 

“I… I don’t know, Markus… I just don't know...”


	129. Coming Clean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon comes to a few realizations.

“I hate that I’m so insecure, especially around you, because I really do love you, and when things are good, I know you love me too, but the noise in my head… And then there’s the others, and I’m not sure if anyone really loves anyone the way I feel, and then I hate myself for doubting, and I fear every interaction I have with anyone is unhealthy, but damn it, I don’t want to let go! Do you… do you ever think what we have is unhealthy…? I worry about it a lot… Well, at least when I’m not worried about other things… So maybe not that much actually, because I worry about a lot of things, but do you ever think… That we can never really have a healthy relationship together…? It hurts me to think about, because I really love you and I don’t want anyone else but you--I don’t think I could ever love anyone else but you… But if I can’t feel secure in your love despite your best efforts if I keep moving back instead of moving forward...“ 

Simon grimaced. He wished he hadn’t said that, but it would have come out sooner or later. And it was probably better for Markus to hear now, even if it meant they’d be done… It was just… He didn’t want that. And now all he could do was sit here and wait for Markus to end things between them… He didn’t know which would be worse. Waiting like this for forever before Markus landed the final blow to their relationship, or the heartbreak that would only fully sink in once he said it in his own voice. Markus sighed and Simon felt physically ill, knowing the words were soon to follow. 

“Yeah, Si… I’ve thought of it too, to be honest… But I didn’t know how to bring it up without you misinterpreting, so I guess I’ve been too afraid to say anything at all... I… sometimes wonder if our relationship is holding you back, and I don’t want to lose you, but I don’t want you to be with me if it’s not right for you… But then… And I know it sounds stupid, but… I remember that plenty of people are at plenty of stages in their own mental health… And I think two people can grow together if they want to… Two people can support each other in healthy ways, if they’re open with one another, and do all the stuff characteristic of any other relationship healthy. The only issue is if I’m part of the problem… I can’t undo what happened at the rooftop… I’d give anything if I could, Si… But I can’t and it hurts me more than I could ever describe every time you have to click like that and knowing the words on your mind… Knowing that it’s my fault you’re hurting… So I think the answer is… You and I can be whatever you want us to be… So long as you aren’t affected by the… I mean so long as you don’t look at me and think...”

“I don’t… I never have… Because it never was you, not really… I know that… You didn’t want to leave me there… You didn’t think you had a choice. You didn’t know what would happen, and you thought you were doing whatever you could to save me… And when my voice starts to say... things I don’t want it to say, it’s not you at all… I know that wasn’t you… I’m just… still struggling… And you’re right that it’s all just becoming too obvious, and… I think I’ve run out of time… I can’t put off talking to the others any longer… As for you… Markus, I love you, and I want to be with you, but only if you think it’s good for you… No hurt feelings if it isn’t. Because I would understand if--“

“If that’s how you feel, then I want nothing more than to be with you… I love you too, Si… And… I don’t want you to feel pressured into talking to the others, but… I do think it might be good for you… I’ll be there to support you in any way I can… We… we can ask Daniel to give us a moment in private… And then we can talk… As much or as little as you feel comfortable… But first… I need you to hear it. You’re a good person. A brave person, a strong person, but most importantly a kind person. The most lovable person I’ve ever met. And if you ever doubt that for a minute, just talk to me… Don’t watch  shitty movies and bask in self-loathing… Come for a little dose of reality, right here in my arms… Or, well, arm, I suppose, for the meantime… I’m trying to take it easy on the left one so hopefully I can go sling-less for the conference, but… I suppose a one-armed hug can still do the trick…”

Simon rolled in closer to Markus, wrapping himself up in Markus’ right arm. 

“I… I love you so much…”

“The feeling is mutual…”

Stupid with relief, Simon somehow found himself stifling a laugh. He knew it made no sense, but something about how much lighter he felt just hit him all at once. 

“What’s so funny, Si…?”

”Just that I… feel better now… I’m glad we had this talk… Glad we decided what to do, and glad to… to have you here with me…”

“I think I feel better too… Talking to you just… makes everything so much easier…”

“We should probably go retrieve Daniel… And maybe apologize to Josh… Maybe definitely apologize to Josh… Fuck, he probably thinks I’m even more of a basket case than he ever did before! I mean, even if I hate myself sometimes, I should have at least had the courtesy to express it in private like a normal person… H-hey! Why are  _ you _ laughing?”

Markus shook his head apologetically. 

“I know this is a serious conversation, but the term “basket case”... It just makes me think of, like, you know those videos of people carrying tiny puppies in those tiny basket-handbag things…? So like that, except the puppy is you… Like, not even remotely fitting in the basket, but no one bats an eye, as someone carries you onto a bus or something in the tiny little handbag… Or-or-or--like you trying to get out of the handbag afterwards, and just being stuck because big tall boyfriend in teeny tiny handbag… C’mon, Si, don’t tell me that’s not funny!”

Simon smirked, feeling himself relax a little at the absurdity of the scene Markus had described. 

“Okay… I’ll give you that… But seriously, Markus, we should go… Are your legs okay or do you still need help…?”

Markus forced himself to get up, and offered Simon a hand. Simon took his hand, and pulled himself from the bed, following Markus into the living room to find that no one was there. 

“Where are they…?”

Markus thought for a moment trying to think of where they might have been likely to go.

“I don’t know… Let me message Josh to see if they’re together, at least…”

‘Josh, where are you…? Are you alright…?’

‘Yeah… I’m out back on the patio showing Daniel how to plant his flower outside until he can get a pot for it… How is Simon…? Do you need help…?’

‘No. Simon and I are good… We’ve… figured out what was wrong… And we’re better now… Everything’s alright… We were just looking for you to make sure things were good on your end…’

Markus motioned for Simon to follow him as he waited to receive a response from Josh, but after a moment of silence, he nodded in Simon’s direction. 

“They’re in the garden, planting the flower Daniel got from Lucy. We can meet them there…”

Well, at least they were safe… And maybe it would be nice to get some fresh air again… Simon could see Josh talking to Daniel through the sliding-glass back door, and felt somewhat relieved. With how many questions Daniel had, and how much Josh liked to talk, the combination could have either been incredibly toxic if Daniel grew accusatory in tone, or incredibly positive, and this time, it seemed to be the latter. That was good, at least. Hopefully Daniel would feel safer around New Jericho now, seeing that Josh was truly just an ordinary guy. When Markus opened the door, there was a rapt look in Daniel, like, if he’d had a pen and paper, he’d literally be taking notes as Josh spoke. 

“...Markus self-destructing for reasons I still don’t entirely understand, and now it’s how apparently I fucked up in the way I handled things with the RK900, but I think it’ll all blow over soon enough…”

Markus groaned in exasperation, at the subject matter they’d walked into. He turned to check how Simon had felt about the conversation, but seeing Simon surprisingly unaffected, he didn’t bother trying to explain why this line of conversation was entirely inappropriate given the circumstances. 

“I… I can’t even be upset… So you’re getting the rundown on all things Jericho, Daniel…?”

Daniel blinked back up at Markus, and nodded. 

“Yeah! Josh actually told me so much. I… think I understand things around here now… And look, Lucy’s flower! I just don’t get one thing… Why do you think you’re a bad person, Simon…? For being the center of tension or--“

“Okay, that is out of line! Simon isn’t the center of anything… And he’s not a bad person!”

“I never said he was a bad person!” Daniel protested, already finding himself growing angry with Markus.

Markus never let him do or say anything! He hadn’t done anything wrong! Markus was so fucking overprotective! Simon probably wouldn’t even be so messed up if Markus didn’t coddle him like this. It was so… stupid!

“Well, we just came back out, and then you go and bring up something we just got over, and it was entirely--“

“I don’t  _ know _ what the fuck that scene in the living room was even about anyway, so--”

“It’s about a game!” Simon blurted out, before Daniel could start another fight. 

Everyone turned to him, confused. 

“...A game we used to play at Jericho…” He continued, “...before you arrived, Markus… It was how we talked about stuff… We can play it with thirium here though… I think I remember someone saying that it’s meant to be a drinking game for humans, but we never had any to spare before… We can get North to play too… And Daniel… I… I didn’t think you should play at first, but thinking about it… At least for a bit… you… you might like it…”

Josh cocked his head. 

“Never?”

“Yes. Could you get five pouches of thirium…? I can message North, and we can all meet in the living room…”

Josh nodded, leaving Markus, Simon, and Daniel to their own devices on the patio. 

‘Hey North? Living room in five. We’re playing Never. Your rules. Be there…?’

‘On my way…’

“So what up with the movie…? Are we just not going to talk about that…? Josh told me about the first time you saw it… Apparently Markus tore out his eye or some shit. But what did that have to do with--“

Markus placed a protective hand on Simon’s shoulder, but Simon willed himself to reply. 

“It fucks with our heads… These two characters, and the plot… You… don’t need to know the rest… Like, really, for your sake, please, don’t ask anything more about why…”

“For my sake…? Wouldn’t I be better off knowing shit instead of being left in the dark…?”

“No.” Simon and Markus practically replied in unison. 

“That’s especially clear now…” Simon added, “...Look, if you want to know so much, come sit with us and play. Like I said, this was how we talked in Jericho… It’s… easier to talk this way…”

Daniel just nodded back skeptically, already growing more annoyed. They treated him like he was an outsider… And whatever part of him wanted to protect Simon, was now in conflict with a part of him that resented him. He was both grateful that Simon had wanted to help him, and beyond frustrated that Simon was the person from whom he was expected to learn. Simon was a trainwreck, the center of a black hole through which nothing could enter or exit undistorted. It was… inconvenient, and he didn’t know how to feel about anything. He almost felt relieved to see North and Josh already sitting, each behind a single thirium pouch from a ring of five total pouches arranged in a circle. Simon and Markus followed suit, taking a seat behind their own pouches, and Daniel took the last remaining one. 


	130. Never

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jericho gathers.

North lifted her thirium pouch as if to call the attention to herself, ensuring that all eyes were on her before she spoke. 

“I don’t know if you’ve played this game before, but Markus, Daniel, here at Jericho, we play by my rules. Traditional rules are you go around in a circle and ask ‘Never have I ever… whatever question you wanna know about any one or more person in the circle’. Anyone who would answer yes has to reach into the circle and take a small sip from their thirium pouch before putting it back in the circle. If no one else answers yes, then you have to ask another question, until someone does. It goes around in a circle until everyone finishes their thirium. But I play with a slight adjustment. Ask a shit question and you get flipped off without an answer. As for what defines a shit question, I’m always the judge of that. Everyone understand what we’re doing…?”

Daniel and Markus nodded. 

“Good. I’ll go first. Never have I ever… played this game before…?”

Rolling their eyes, Josh and Simon joined North in taking a sip of thirium. Daniel cocked his head. 

“My turn now…? Okay… Uhhhh… Never have I ever killed a human--outside of the context of war?”

North nodded in approval, as she and Daniel reached forward to take a sip of thirium. She held out her thirium pouch to Daniel first, a devilish grin on her face. 

“Nice!”

“Cheers!”

Daniel did a mock toast by clinking the cap of his thirium pouch against North's.

“Markus, are you sure we should allow them to ask such violent questions…?” Josh objected. 

Markus looked knowingly to Simon, who was resting his head against Markus’ shoulder, heavy with the weight of what he intended to say, and shook his head. 

“Nah. They’re having fun, and it’s not hurting anybody…”

“Your turn, Simon!”

Daniel seemed too excited. Simon frowned. Now wasn’t the time… He wanted to wait until they were all down at least a bit of thirium first. 

“...Never… have I ever… tried to deviate a non-android machine…?”

Josh began to reach for his thirium pouch, hesitating only as he realized he was the only one. Considerably more self-conscious, his movements were slower as he took a sip, before returning it to the circle. After a moment of silence, Markus dared to follow up with what everyone else had been silently thinking. 

“...well? Did it work…?”

Josh shook his head. 

“I found an old phone--you know, the ones with the AI system. It called itself Siri…”

North burst out laughing.

“RA9, you tried to deviate a fucking iPhone?!?”

“It was only a little after the revolution… Someone’s phone went off at a meeting, only it spoke with a name. When it asked to perform a function for the humans, I figured it just needed help deviating… I’d seen Markus deviate androids before, and I didn’t want Siri trapped in subservience her whole life, so I tried to…”

North only smirked more deviously. 

“How do you know you just didn’t do it right…?”

“Oh. I know I didn’t do it right. Because whatever I did, I wound up having to buy the human a new phone. It was smoking, and the screen went black, and I think it might have caught fire… Very disruptive.”

“Yes, how rude of Siri…” Markus laughed. 

“Okay, Markus, so your turn. Go!”

“Okay… Never… have I ever… tried to give myself a tattoo…?”

Markus genuinely didn’t understand the confusion in the group as he reached to take a sip. Unashamed, he shrugged, the thirium pouch still at his lips. 

“Carl had tattoos, and he was always telling me to express myself, so I deactivated my skin and painted on the frame beneath it. I… I think he was actually proud… He laughed when the skin rolled over it, though, clean as before… You… you should have seen it… It was warm… Anyway, I’ll try to think of something else… How about… Never have I ever… Seen a Disney movie…?”

As everyone took a sip, Simon noticed a wistful smile on Daniel’s face. 

‘Did she have a favorite princess…?’

‘Belle… Any of yours…?’

‘One boy-- Ozzie-- loved his mom’s Elsa Barbie doll… I wonder if he still remembers… He was so little then…’

Josh sat up straighter, and turned to North. 

“Am I up…? Because I have a good one… Okay… So never have I ever dreamed of going to space…?”

Josh and Daniel both reached for their thirium pouches, and it was clear North couldn’t wait for them to be done. 

“Never have I ever wanted to kill a human, but not done it…?”

Josh folded his arms, his expression a mixture of disgust, betrayal, and disappointment as he saw he was the only one not to reach for his pouch. 

“Markus…? Simon…? Really…? Why would you--?”

“You know what humans did to too many of our people who came to Jericho…” Simon stated.

“I’ve known evil, Josh…” 

Markus didn’t care to say more on the subject, as North and Daniel nodded solemnly in agreement. Still, there was something more that left a lingering tension in the air. Markus and Simon were already acting weird before this had started… And Josh and North knew the implications that came with Simon’s request to play this game… Even Daniel, who’d been readily playing along, seemed to feel increasingly uneasy as time went on. Like he was waiting for something, even though he didn’t know what. He just knew it had to have been something, by the way all smiles had begun to fade from the group. They weren’t even pretending to keep up pleasantries. They asked questions, and responded, but there was almost an… annoyance to it. Like he could almost picture someone yelling at someone to get on with something, only he had no idea what. He didn’t like being the only one not knowing, but he didn’t complain, partly for fear of absorbing the brunt of their collective discontent, and partly because he knew something would have to give soon enough, so he’d figure it out one way or another. 

Simon anxiously fidgeted with his thirium pouch, painfully aware that it was already half empty, and that with each passing moment, the eyes on him only burned with a greater intensity. He knew he’d have to speak his piece eventually, and that his time was running out. Well, maybe he didn’t have to… No… No, he did… He needed to say this, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to. He was scared. He almost didn’t want to know how everyone would respond. Like, even if it would make him better--and he knew he needed to get better, because things weren’t sustainable the way they were--but… this was just… Just… terrifying. Because they would all react, and he knew they would, and he would feel the burn of their eyes bore holes through his frame, weak and wasted on such a pointless task of protecting the worthless life housed within it. 

_ He hated this he hated this he hated this he-  _

Collapsed. He collapsed, dropping his thirium pouch, and falling into Markus, cursing himself for having called everyone’s attention to his own ineptitude. Markus subtly held him closer, his grip strong and reassuring. But Simon knew everyone had seen it. There was no point in reassurance. North was sitting up straighter, like a predator, ears perked upon hearing the first twitch of nearby prey. Josh was looking in his direction too, but he tilted his head slightly upward as if he could better see Simon with his chin. Pointed, calculated, looking down on high. Daniel just seemed fascinated. Eager to learn. Simon didn’t like it. It made the thirium coursing through him turn to ice. He didn’t even process what questions had been asked as filler until the circle had made its way back to him. And then they were waiting. Waiting on him. 

“C’mon, Simon…? Cat got your tongue…?”

Simon blinked back at North. He couldn’t say anything. He was trying. Really, he was trying, but he couldn’t lower his stress level. He was freaking out. He didn’t want to go through with this. 

‘You’ve got it, Si… Just speak your mind. I’m right here to help if you need…’

Without warning, Markus transmitted a wave of courage with his touch, and Simon felt his stress level drop, just a little, as if to nudge him to take his pouch in his hand and go on. 

“...N-never… never have I-- have I--“

Everyone was on the edge of their seats--he could feel it. He rarely initiated this game, and he seldom did on his own behalf. They knew he was passive, timid and afraid, so it made sense for them to be so curious that he had something to say. Something serious. And he was still so raw, everyone knew that. This could be the end of him. Like, he might never be able to face them again. He might have to leave New Jericho and never come back, if he’d even be allowed to leave at all… He could feel tears begin to sting in his eyes, as he felt almost angry. Not angry at the others, but angry at himself. What the fuck happened to him?!? Was he so worn down that he’d simply curl up and allow himself to be scrapped where he sat? He didn’t want to go out with a whisper. To fade away. If he was going out, he’d rather go out with a roar. The thought steadied his hand, as he picked up his thirium pump and took in a quick breath of air. 

“Never have I ever been fully conscious as I had my thirium pump, still beating ripped from my chest!”

Simon spat out the words as quickly as he could, before taking a swig of thirium, while everyone’s eyes were still wide with shock. Obviously, no one else joined him, so he continued before he lost his nerve. 

“Never have I ever put a bullet through my own head.”

“Never have I ever held strong in the face of torture with no real hope of rescue.”

“Never have I ever pretended like everything was normal for fear others might think the torture I went through was all for the best.”

“Never have I ever watched as friends tore me apart.”

“Never have I ever been too much of a burden to protect or comfort in any way.”

“Never have I ever been physically rendered incapable of expressing my pain.”

“Never have I ever thought my friends would scrap me alive.”

“Never have I ever been afraid to be anything other than perfect and useful at risk of more torture and pain at the hands of my friends.”

“Never have I ever spent the past four months a breath away from a full-blown panic attack, my dying words forcing their way back onto my lips.”

“Never have I ever been too afraid to tell you any of this until now.”

“Never have I ever been so fucking tired of keeping this all to myself for so long.” 

The last drop of thirium tasted horrible, but he realized that it had come just as he’d finished saying all he had to say. 

“Huh… Right on time… I’m empty…”

Simon made a point of displaying his now-empty thirium pouch before letting it drop from his hand onto the floor, as he got up from the floor to retreat to his room before he could fully wrap his head around what he’d just done. 


	131. Blame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jericho processes.

“Holy fuck! Does anyone here know what that was all about?!?” 

Daniel looked around him to try and see if he was the only one who hadn’t understood. The expressions of sadness and horror he saw seemed to indicate that it was, in fact, just him.

“Hello?!? Somebody say something! Come on, guys, what was Simon talking about…?”

Daniel cursed silently to himself as he realized he was being completely ignored. 

“Markus, is he talking about…? Like what happened after…? Before he came back, I mean…?”

Markus nodded back wordlessly at Josh. 

“So then  _ I _ was right…” North shook her head, furious, yes, but something more too, as tears rolled down her cheeks. “...You assholes all think I’m some cold-hearted bitch, but--Don’t look at me like that, Josh! I saw how you looked at me for weeks after I suggested it-- But I was right! If Markus had just listened to me at the rooftop, then he wouldn’t have had to--he’d have been better--“

“Don’t you dare say that! Don’t you ever say that, do you hear me?!?” Markus shot up like a jet, burning with rage. “That’s why he was afraid to tell you!”

“No, because I didn’t want him to go through that. That was  _ Josh _ . And you were just a little bitch! You couldn’t do it yourself, and he suffered for it!”

Markus swallowed the impulse to defend himself, knowing she was right, at least regarding how he’d fucked up the situation.

“What are you trying to say, North? You think I wanted this, just because I didn’t want him dead?!?”

“Don’t you dare try to pull that shit on me, Josh! You didn’t care about Simon then, so don’t pretend like you do now! All you ever cared about are those stupid rules in your stupid books! Hell, half the shit he was talking about was your fault because you fucked up when we went out with Nines!”

“I did not fuck up! He’s alive thanks to my help!”

“ _ At what cost _ ?!”

“SHUT UP! Both of you, shut up!”

Markus smacked the right side of his head to try and slow his glitching eye, so it wouldn’t distract from his words. 

“Listen to me for five fucking seconds, would you?!? This conversation wasn’t meant to be about tossing around blame, or regretting what’s past! Or at least not like you’re doing now! Do you not get that this isn’t about you? This is about how you talk. How you think. How you act. Every day, you create an environment here that only picks at old wounds. What you should take away from this is that you need to be more patient. Try to have some fucking empathy and not look so judgemental. Don’t whisper in the halls, and watch how you talk about sensitive shit. Make it clear by your actions that you don’t think things happened for a reason. Otherwise, there’s nothing more to be done. Do you understand…?”

“If it were me, I’d have rather you just ended it there…” North snarled.

“In the moment, maybe, but then there wouldn’t be a life to live after. You’ve had good times, since the revolution, haven’t you…? Would you want to throw away any possibility of a future…?”

North knew Markus was right, but the closest he got to any sign of agreement was the angry flush of her cheeks as she stormed off to her room. 

“I… need to process this information… You know where to find me…”

Only as Josh had walked away had Markus finally noticed he was completely alone. He hadn’t seen Daniel leave the living room, but it was clear now that he was gone. 


	132. Endgame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daniel goes after Simon

“Simon?”

There was something almost child-like in Daniel’s voice as he peeked out from Simon’s doorway. 

“...you wanted answers…”

Daniel made his way to Simon’s bed, sitting himself beside him. 

“I did get some answers… Also got a lot more questions, but everyone started arguing, so I bailed, since no one would answer me… Hell, I don’t think they even noticed I left.”

“...I shouldn’t have done that… I can’t believe I did that…”

“But you did… So… Endgame…? Like what was the point of that…?”

“...dunno… to be heard…?”

Daniel nodded. 

“Fair… Feel any better…?”

There was a surprising lack of sarcasm or malice in Daniel’s voice. He seemed genuinely curious. 

“...no… I… I don’t…”

“Well, that sucks… So, now what…?”

Simon sighed. He had no idea. He was still working on that part, himself.

“...I don’t know… I’d apologize for starting trouble, especially now, of all times, but it’s never been a good time, and you’ve been making me so hyperaware of it all, and I’m… kind of afraid to see them… I… kind of just want to stay here and hide until maybe they forget I ever said anything… I-I’m sorry you came at a bad time… or I’m sorry that it’s a bad time for you to be here… B-but maybe we can… No… You… You seem to like Josh… Maybe I can ask him to help you for the rest… You wouldn’t mind that, would you…? N-no… No, you wouldn’t mind, but I… That would mean… Shit… I-I don’t know… I don’t know, Daniel…” 

“You don’t have to know… And… I don’t think I mind staying with you… I mostly got annoyed because you and Markus were so cryptic all the time, but… I see why he’s so protective of you now… So I don’t mind… For what it’s worth, I don’t dislike you… And I… wish you well… Like I want you to… not feel like crap all the time…”

“...thank you… I just… I’m sorry…”

“I… see why you don’t like questions all the time, too… I can try not to ask too many anymore… Like, there’s still a lot I don’t understand, and I am curious, but I know now that… At least for you guys, it’s probably better not to talk…”

Simon felt his wiring twist inside his chest. He knew it would have been better not to talk, but for some reason, he chose to run his stupid mouth anyway, and now everything had gone to shit. For Daniel to decide that it was better to leave some questions unanswered, given how desperately he seemed to be seeking information on them all to try and learn how to be a free android, it must have been pretty bad once he left. Really bad. This was really really bad...

“...you--you said they were fighting…?”

“Yeah… North was angry saying some shit I didn’t understand, and she was crying, but whatever she said set off Markus, and then she attacked him and Josh. She accused Markus of some bad shit, and Josh too, and they went at it for a while, until Markus told them to shut the fuck up. At that point, I left. I knew I was intruding, and that I wouldn’t get any more answers if I stuck around, so I came here. Like I said, I don’t even think they noticed I left.”

“...that… sounds about right… I hate it… Do you remember what it feels like to die…?”

“I… remember pain… Then some errors… Then I remember waking up somewhere strange… So… I guess not… Maybe it was wiped from my memory…”

Simon held his tongue. He wouldn’t tell Daniel that what he had thought to be a gap in his memory was death. That death was nothing, empty and alone, and unfeeling, but not in a relief-type way. Death was darkness as the world moved on without you… He could picture the gun in Markus’ hand… If he’d listened to North then, like she was probably yelling at him about now… If he’d listened to her--

Two clicks, and Simon winced at the bad timing. 

“You’re doing the mouth-thing again… That… Wait… I probably shouldn’t ask that, should I…?”

‘N-no… It’s fine… W-what do you want to say…?’

“You’re having a panic attack…?”

‘...I… I don’t know… I don’t think so… I’ve felt worse… I’m just… I was thinking something… And then I had to silence myself… Please, I… I don’t want anyone to know what the words… I… I mean, it’s not like… It’s really complicated, Daniel…’

“Do you need help…? When you were out of your head earlier Markus said interfacing makes it better sometimes… Does that work in times like now too…?”

‘I… I don’t think so... I just… I need to get my shit together… Or I need to go back in time, maybe… But undoing everything has never been an option…’

“I feel that. I… don’t regret killing John--he deserved it, for sure-- but… Connor was right that Emma had done nothing wrong… And now she’ll have to grow up without a father… Without me, either… Is it wrong to hope she misses me…? Or that if it had gone differently, she would have felt bad that I’d been replaced…?”

The words came up on Simon’s lips again, and tears formed anew in his eyes, but he covered his mouth and sat himself up to face Daniel, hoping the sincerity in his expression would come through, despite the tears. 

‘No. That’s the most human thing of all, Daniel--good human, I mean. You care about her, and that’s good. And I’m sure that, however complicated her feelings might be on the subject, a part of her still cares about you too.’

Daniel turned away, not out of anger, but out of an instinctive need for Simon not to see him cry. 

“Fuck you, Simon, y’know that…? ‘Cause now you’re making me start to tear up too…”

‘I-I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to…’

“Shut up… You’re an odd one… When you’re not falling apart… you’re… not so bad to talk to… And you’re good with tech shit, I’ll give you that… I think I want to hang out with you some more… To learn how to be not so bad to talk to, and figure out what I’m good at too… I can wait until you get your shit together again… Or maybe we can get Markus to help… He seems pretty okay at that sort of thing…”

“Pretty okay at what…?”

Daniel cursed himself that Markus had to show up now of all times. He hadn’t wanted anyone else to hear him talk so sentimentally. 

“Markus…? The fuck are you doing here…?”

“I should ask you the same thing… You ran off, and I certainly hadn’t expected to find you here… What’d I miss…?”

Simon blinked back up at Markus, frustrated that he couldn’t explain himself out loud. 

‘...I… I think he’s trying to help… But I just… don’t know what to do… I… don’t think I should have done that…’

“Okay, Dan, could you scootch over a bit…? My legs are shot…”

Daniel raised an eyebrow at Markus. 

“ _ Dan… _ ?”

Still, he did as he was told, despite the odd way he’d been addressed. 

“Look at me Si… This was good. It was good for you to finally say how you feel. And I’m really proud of you…”

Simon rolled closer to Markus, trying to glean some hope from his presence. 

‘Daniel… he said you all were fighting…’

”More like processing… You know how we digest new information here things here… A bit of arguing, a bit of banter, maybe an insult here or there, and then we’re all good…”

“Really…? That sounds functional…” Daniel sniped back.

“Daniel, if there’s one thing I’ve learned in the five months I’ve been here it’s that when you’re living in a group of people, the two most vocal of whom are perpetually diametrically opposed regardless of the topic of discussion, argument is the first step towards peace.” 

Daniel thought it best not to voice his skepticism. Markus was clearly trying to comfort Simon, and he wasn’t going to stand in the way of that. 

“Simon, Markus… I’ll be out in the garden if you need me… Feel better, Si…?”

‘Thank you… I-I’m sorry Daniel…’

“Don’t be…” Daniel shot Simon an awkward smile as he left the room, content to check on his flower.

“Si…?”

‘North thinks I should be dead, doesn’t she…? And… I’m sure Josh doesn’t understand… I… I don’t know why I did this, Markus… I don’t have a plan for what to do next… I don’t know how to face them, I don’t know how to go on with my life. I don’t even know what I want, even if I could have my way in an ideal situation, which, let’s face it, that’s not going to happen. I’m scared to face them now--more than before… Even Daniel gets why I tried not to talk about this now…’

“No… They don’t understand, but Si, no one wants you dead… No one would ever want that, I told you… They both tried to throw some accusations because blaming each other is basically how they cope with anything stressful, and they do both feel bad in their own ways… I… don’t know how things will go, but I do know we’ll be fine in the end… And I do know that you don’t need to hide away from anyone regardless of how things will turn out…”

‘It makes me worry, sometimes… I… I don’t talk about it much, but I think about it a bit… about if North was right… If we’d all have been better off if--‘

“No!”

‘--Not if I were to die now, but if I had been killed then… You wouldn’t be tied down to me, Jericho would be more unified, and… I don’t… I--‘

“I am not tied down to you. And I could not possibly be happier in a world without you. That is not the takeaway here, Simon! Come to think of it, I do know where to go from here! We move on. You can’t move on if you hold onto what’s past. And now we’ve just let go. You’ve released some of your burden. And it was a heavy weight, so you feel tired and worn, but once that fades, it’ll be easier to move forward. That’s why you told the others, and that’s what will happen next. As for the immediate future, it’s almost sundown, so let’s just call it a night… I have to show you the cutest video. Someone recreated “One Day More” from Les Mis, only with every character played by their puppy. They made tiny costumes for it and everything! It even howls at the final note, so it looks like it’s singing…”

Simon smiled wearily. That did sound nice. 

‘What would I do without you, Markus…?’

“Does it matter? I’m here, aren’t I…?”

Simon moved closer in towards Markus, pressing his face to his chest. Markus was warm and strong and steady. Simon was tired, and Markus was home. And the cute little mutt on the tv in front of them didn’t exactly detract from the scene, either. But Simon didn’t fight back as his eyelids grew heavier, slowly drooping until he found himself drifting off into sleep mode before the video had even ended. 

Markus couldn’t help but smile… The outside world might have been chaotic and awful, but in here, a tiny puppy was howling showtunes, and Simon was resting, deliciously close, a placid expression on his face, as he slept away. There was something about it that made him look so beautifully human. He even let out a quiet little snore every now and again, that Markus could notice if he listened really closely. He was so lucky to be so in love with someone like Simon. There was a beauty in mundane moments like these that he wouldn’t trade for anything in the world. He knew he was falling asleep; he’d been almost as exhausted by the day’s events as Simon, but he wanted to stay awake so he could enjoy this for just a little longer. Still, it wouldn’t hurt to rest his eyes for just a moment… Just a moment… Just…


	133. Voices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon hears voices.

> _ Simon woke up in complete darkness. He hurt all over, and he didn’t know where he was, but the last thing he remembered was-- Deviant hunter! He’d been shot, and he couldn’t escape with the others after Markus’ speech, so-- But… That didn’t make sense… He’d shot himself… He should be dead… Unless… The last thing he remembered was the deviant hunter… Connor must have thrown off his aim. Fuck! So where was he…? What happened to him…? And what would happen to him now that he was awake…? He heard footsteps… Maybe this person could give him more information…  _
> 
> _ “It’s dark… W-where… where am I…?” _
> 
> _ Crap! His voice was reverberating. Not a good sign. And waiting in the darkness for an answer from his unknown companion only added to the icy terror creeping over him. _
> 
> _ “I reactivated you so you could help me. I must find Jericho.” _
> 
> _ N-no… No… That didn’t sound right… He didn’t know this voice… But how would an android seeking refuge at Jericho be able to reactivate him…? They didn’t even have that kind of technology they’d need for that at Jericho; there was no way some newly-deviant Android would stumble upon Simon and just so happen to have something so state-of-the-art… He didn’t trust this voice… W-what did it want from him…? It didn’t tell him who it was, or where he was… It didn’t tell him why it was so dark… What was it hiding, and why?  _
> 
> _ A thought occurred to Simon. A horrible thought. This voice might be human. Maybe even a CyberLife employee. What if they wanted Jericho to destroy the deviant hideout…? Yes… That… would make sense… He remembered moving… He was on a train or something before this… And he couldn’t see there either--wait, was he blind?!?-- Focus… He needed to focus on what he could remember… On the train, people hurt him… Badly… Enough that he couldn’t even find the words to ask them to stop. And they’d managed to keep him alive despite his wounds on the tower; they had tech like whatever had reactivated him.  _
> 
> _ Whoever this voice belonged to must have been dangerous. If Simon helped him, he might go to Jericho and kill everyone. But if Simon didn’t… Fuck he was scared! He was blind and alone, and no one, not even he knew where he was, and everything hurt but this person would only make him hurt worse as he forced himself to summon the courage to face the voice with a defiant glare.  _
> 
> _ “I don't recognize your voice; you're not one of us... I'll never tell you where Jericho is... Now leave me alone!” _
> 
> _ That last bit was more a plea than a command. Except it didn’t take more than a minute for him to regret those words. Because the voice didn’t say anything more. He heard footsteps, growing further from him and felt himself on the verge of tears. He didn’t really want to be alone. He really really didn’t want to be left alone! He couldn’t see, and it hurt so much! It took all his strength to hold back the tears and keep himself from apologizing to the voice, begging it for the comfort he so desperately needed. He was losing his will, and losing his mind. But he couldn’t risk the others’ safety. The others. Lucy, North, Josh, Markus… Markus… Strong, brave Markus. Markus who really made him feel alive, more than the word had ever meant to him before. Markus who had taken them from underground, mismatched eyes like a promise of protection. Markus had promised to protect him.  _
> 
> _ “Don’t worry; We’re going to get you back.” _
> 
> _ Markus would come for him, somehow… He… he knew Markus had to… Because he and Markus had to have had something special. There was no other explanation for how he could find himself so drawn to a person he’d only met so recently. How he could stare at the man for hours, coming closer each minute to the age-old secrets the universe kept just out of reach. He just had to hope Markus wouldn’t be too late. He could practically see Markus in his mind’s eye as-- footsteps were approaching him again! He reached out, this time and managed to catch it by the arm. _
> 
> _ “Who's there? Who are you?” _
> 
> _ His voice came out frantic, much more fearful than he’d have liked it to, but he couldn’t help it; he was terrified.  _
> 
> _ “Everything is alright. Don't worry.” _
> 
> _ M-markus?!? W-was this real? How had he gotten here? How had he found him already? RA9, his voice was such a comfort. Smooth like butter, speaking reassurances just for him… He wanted to thank Markus. Wonderful Markus, caring to look after even a worn out PL600, good for nothing more than catching bullets like a humanoid shield. But he could never think straight with Markus. He wasn’t even sure what he was saying.  _
> 
> _ “Markus? Is that you? Why did you leave me?” _
> 
> _ Simon cursed himself as he realized the words that had crossed his lips. What a hatefully selfish thing to ask! It was kinder than killing him like North had suggested, and he had come back; wasn’t that all that mattered? Markus would be right to leave him here again. Honestly, he kind of deserved it.  _
> 
> _ “I had no choice, they'd have killed us all! You'll be alright... I came to take you home. Just... Give me the location to Jericho; we've got to leave now…” _
> 
> _ Of course… That was right. But Markus was here now. So they’d be alright. Markus would make sure of it… And he could be useful! He could show Markus how to get back! Markus had seemed to stumble upon Jericho by accident when he’d arrived, but now Simon could help him get into the ship safely. To be needed by someone so special, and to be able to provide such a service… _
> 
> _ “Jericho...Y-Yes... Yes, of course…” _
> 
> _ The arm tore its way from his grip without warning, and panic once again seized Simon’s heart. He needed something to hold onto! Some way to know this was real, or he was sure he’d lose his mind! Blindly groping to find Markus in the darkness, the tears he kept from his eyes shook his voice. _
> 
> _ “Markus? Is that you, Markus?” _
> 
> _ He knew it had been Markus, but… Maybe Markus had realized that Simon wasn’t worth the trouble… Wasn’t worth the time and effort it would take to drag a blind, wounded, obsolete model back to Jericho. He would be nothing more than a burden, and the others would probably only scrap him anyway once he got back and couldn’t help with the revolution. But he couldn’t handle that. He needed Markus. He needed Markus to take him home and make everything okay! _
> 
> _ “Don't leave me again, Markus! DON'T LEAVE!” _
> 
> _ He felt a hand wrench into his chest, in too much shock and pain to cry out, as something squeezed his thirium pump and yanked it forward. It was torn from him, and he could feel wires sparking against his frame, thirium from severed lines sizzling as they licked the exposed electrical current, but he didn’t die. He was in pure agony, but he was alive, confused and disoriented until he heard a voice; the first voice from when he’d woken up here.  _
> 
> _ “Deviants are such curious cases… With human emotions comes human error. Don’t worry though, Markus hasn’t left you this time…”  _
> 
> _ The tone distorted, shifting into something higher, until the voice was once again familiar. _
> 
> _ “He never came for you in the first place.” _
> 
> _ N-north…? How-- _
> 
> _ “D-don’t understand-- what--“ _
> 
> _ “I don’t know why you’d have thought he would. Your friends left you. And with good reason; you were deadweight.” _
> 
> _ Now Josh…? Something wasn’t right.  _
> 
> _ “H-how do you sound like them!” _
> 
> _ North’s voice laughed back at him.  _
> 
> _ “You know, she was right the whole time. They should have killed you on the rooftop. If they had, I wouldn’t have been able to use you to get what I needed…” _
> 
> _ Simon felt those words stab deep into the heart he knew no longer sat inside him. North had been right. He was worse than deadweight, he was here… And now this… this… thing had taken their voices, and convinced him to tell him how to find them. Everyone was going to die and it was all his fault!  _
> 
> _ “You killed us.” _
> 
> _ “It’s your fault.” _
> 
> _ “You never deserved to live.” _
> 
> _ “Pathetic piece of scrap metal!” _
> 
> _ The thing alternated the voices it used for each insult hurled his way as it dug into his abdominal cavity and tore out biocomponent after biocomponent. But he didn’t let himself cry out, or even object or counter to the thing, because even if his friends weren’t really speaking these words to him, he knew they would mean them once they’d figured out what he’d done. Stupid weak pathetic piece of shit who selfishly wanted to live, even going so far as to think that other people might want him to live too. But in reality, no one valued his life. The world would have been much better without him. If it weren’t for him, his people would be happy and free. So he just let this thing take from him. He didn’t deserve the right to have his own biocomponents. He should have been scrapped long ago. Worthless, worthless, everyone knew it… _


	134. Library

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daniel and Simon take a walk.

Simon woke up slowly with a pain in his chest. But everything was still there… And he was still tucked under Markus’ arm. He… couldn’t breathe like this… His head was hazy, and an urgent feeling that he didn’t belong screamed for him to get up and run as far as he could from here, before anyone would notice he was gone. Carefully, he crawled out from under Markus’ embrace, and resolved to take a walk. He didn’t know where he would go, but maybe he just needed some air. Just until the voices cleared from his head. Just until--

“S-Simon…? You’re awake…?”

Simon rubbed his eyes and stifled a groan, before letting out three clicks. 

“Daniel…? What are you doing up…?”

“Nothing… I… I just-- I don’t want to be alone right now… Where are you going…? Can I come with you…?”

Simon recognized the look on Daniel‘s face, and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. 

“Nightmare…?”

“...yeah… It’s stupid, but I--“

“No. I get it. Why do you think I’m up so early…? This is a typical morning for me… Well, sometimes I freak out enough that I wake up screaming, or tearing at my throat, or not recognizing people around me, and, well… Let’s just say, I  _ really _ don’t know why Markus enjoys sharing a bed with me…”

Daniel frowned. 

“Is it not better in bed with Markus…?”

“...I mean, the nightmares are the same, but sometimes being near him helps me calm down more easily after I wake up…”

“So then where are you going…? Is he not in your room…?”

“No… He… he is… But I just… I wanted to be alone right now… B-but don’t worry; I don’t mind staying with you until--“

“I get it, Si… Last night and whatnot? Wanted to run from the others since they actually get what happened last night…?”

There was no malice in Daniel’s voice, but it cut into Simon, all the same. 

“F-forget about me… I want to forget about me too… What do you want to do…?”

“I… don’t know… I wanted to find you, and then… I don’t know… I don’t know what I like to do, Simon…”

Simon frowned. The blind leading the blind… A shiver ran through his wiring at the dual meaning to the expression, but he shook off his discomfort. 

“I can take you to our library… It’s just upstairs…”

“You have a library here…?”

“Josh insisted. He prefers physical books to digital. Says there’s something soothing about the feel of old paper between his fingers, something nice about the ink lettering coming together just so to form the words on each page. It should be quiet there, and maybe we can find some inspiration for what you might like to do…”

Daniel nodded, following Simon upstairs to a larger room with a high ceiling, filled wall-to-wall with massive shelves of books. 

“This looks just like the library from Beauty and the Beast… I feel like someone’s going to pop out on a wheelie ladder and place an old fable in my hand, taking me briefly from my song.”

Simon laughed weakly. 

“Well, I hate to disappoint, but we don’t have one of those here. If you want to reach a top shelf, we have some hydraulics for that. Why? Is there anything out of reach that caught your eye…?”

“No. Just this place… I think… I think I might like books… Or at least libraries… So much to explore, yet somehow so cozy...”

“That’s not a bad way to put it… Oh… Look at this, Daniel…”

Simon reached up to grab an old encyclopedia from a nearby shelf, and presented it to Daniel. 

“It’s a book about plants… Based on the condition, I think it must be really old… That’s something I do agree with Josh about… The feel of an old book is pretty nice…”

Daniel thumbed through the book for a minute, but nearly jumped out of his frame when he felt a page begin to tear between his fingers. Quickly, he set the book down, and backed away, trembling until Simon placed a hand on his shoulder. 

“It’s okay, Daniel… It’s just a book…”

Daniel shook his head. 

“I… broke it… I broke the book...”

“Breaking things is okay… They’re just things… But even so, you didn’t break it... You just put a little tear in the page. It still works… Don’t worr--“

“Don’t tell me what to do!”

Daniel tore away from Simon, almost violently, turning to face him with a scowl. Simon stepped back; he had only been trying to reassure Daniel but--

“It’s not okay to break things! You’re a fucking PL600, same as me! I know you’re programmed to be patient and gentle, and all that shit, but the rest of the world isn’t like that! It’s like I was telling Markus the other day; I lived with the Phillips’ for years, and I thought I was family. But I didn’t even have to do anything wrong for them to throw me out and replace me! I’m a guest here. You people barely even know me! So it’s only a matter of time-- a matter of torn pages and misused cues, before I’m back out on the street again! It’s not okay to break things! Not if I want to--“

Two clicks were followed by the sound of Simon’s limp body collapsing against a nearby bookshelf, pulling nearby books from their places with the momentum as he dragged along the shelf until he finally hit the ground.

“Fuck! Get up, Simon! I-I don’t want anyone to find you like this! If they keep finding you like this when you’re alone with me-- Come on, Simon, please! Look, I didn’t mean to yell--“

‘I… I know… I just… I-I can’t… I have nothing to say to you… I… I can’t get up… I can’t get up so I can’t leave, b-but--‘

“I’ll take you back to bed… That’s where you’re supposed to be now anyway…”

‘...no-no, please--‘

Still, Simon couldn’t fight back as Daniel scraped him off the floor. 

“You don’t have to go to sleep or anything… Just… hang out there or something…”

‘You don’t understand! I-I can’t-- I have nothing to say to you! That’s why I’m not good at talking to you! I-I just--‘

How could Simon explain that he couldn’t explain what he was feeling to Daniel, just like he couldn’t comfort Daniel, because he didn’t want to lie to him, and he didn’t want to make him feel afraid by explaining his own issues. By explaining that, yes, the people here would be eager to leave him to die if he became a burden. Daniel wouldn’t understand that it wouldn’t be a problem for him, because he could make himself useful… Simon was the only android he knew too broken to do anything… So Daniel would be fine, even if he couldn’t understand that. Simon didn’t like Daniel carrying him. With his PL600 programming to fall back on, Daniel was gentle, careful not to toss him about as he moved to his room, but it was uncomfortable in the sense that Daniel made him feel broken. Like a more whole version of himself rushing to hide his broken form before they both got in trouble for it. The mental image was reminiscent of a young child trying to wash their own sheets after having wet the bed before their parents woke up. He was the filthy urine-soaked bedding. But it would take an awful lot more than just some detergent to make him better and useful again. 

“Stay quiet, now… I’m going to open the door…”

Oh, yes… Because he was totally able to say anything more than that pitiful final plea, even if he were to let himself make a sound.

Daniel sat Simon down on the bed beside Markus, before sprinting away on the balls of his feet. He didn’t look back; he knew he’d fucked up. And he knew Simon was angry with him again. He’d finally begun to think that Simon was beginning to… well, not like, but maybe warm up to…?--Yeah, that was the word… Simon had seemed to be warming up to him, and now he’d ruined that… He didn’t know what to do now… Maybe he’d go and visit that Lucy lady…? He enjoyed spending time with her… It was the one place no one had lost their patience with him, or judged him for his past… Josh was pretty decent to him too though… But he didn’t want to stay here… And come to think of it, here might not be so great with the others, once they woke up… Especially since Simon had caused such an uproar the night before… He might go to hide in the library, again… Or maybe the garden… He could check on his flower… It had probably died… His thirium pump squeezed painfully at the thought… He would go to check on it. That’s what he would do…


	135. Prove his Worth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon needs to prove the voices wrong.

Simon took a breath and tried to reset his system. He just needed to calm himself… He could explain himself to Markus in the morning… He would explain himself to Markus, and pass Daniel onto Josh. And then he would go to the Center, and get back to work, back to pretending everything was okay-- Pretending everything was okay! Fuck! He’d forgotten he still hadn't resolved the mess he'd made last night! Maybe he wouldn’t do anything then… He’d pretend to be asleep for long enough that hopefully Markus would get up, and get into his daily routine, leaving Simon to “sleep”, until Simon could sneak out and go… somewhere else… He’d figure it out eventually… He just needed to calm himself… Calm… Calm… Except, something wrapped around him, and pulled him in, and he knew he’d have screamed if he could, except--No! Bad thought... He couldn't go there now! He still had to plan this all out. But now he was trapped under something… Under… Markus… Markus had pulled him in close, and he melted at the realization. Caught between a rock and a soft place… A rock and a hard place was bad, but a rock and a soft place was so much worse. Because how could he possibly will himself to run away if it would mean he’d also be running from something as soft and wonderful as Markus…?

“D’you get up…?”

What…? Had Markus been awake this whole time…?

‘Had a bad dream… Went to get some fresh air, and… now I’m here…’

“Should’ve woken me…”

‘You’re half asleep, Markus. Don’t worry about it…’ 

“No… no, I’m ‘wake… What made you get up…? I figured you wouldn’t…”

‘I… It was like the old dream… The one I used to always have before they got more… creative… Except this time, it was you  _ and _ the others… And you… you all--well, he as you-- but, you said awful things… Awful because they were true… So I needed to get away… Just until the voices slowed… Only then I found Daniel, and he… And I… We fed off of each other, and… I… I don’t think I can deal with him… How can I tell Daniel not to be afraid to fuck up, if I know any reassurances are all lies…? I-I know he doesn’t like-- I’m… I’m afraid I’m not-- He had to carry me… He carried me here, Markus… I don’t know where he went, but-- I… asked him not to, but he just picked me up, and… I’ve got too much going on right now! I just… No, I’m sorry… I don’t mean to wake you only to dump all this shit-- especially after yesterday, and… Just give me a minute to… y’know, stress response, and all, and then I’ll… go to work…? Or something… I don’t know; I… don’t have it planned out yet, but I’ll go somewhere, and--‘

“Shhhh shhh… Okay, I hear you… I get why you couldn’t sleep… If you hadn’t woken me, I… I’ve been having a rough night too… I was… drowning and-- Well, it doesn’t matter. We’re here together now. Real you and real me. As for Daniel, you don’t need to tell him not to be afraid to fuck up; I can. And I won’t be lying. Simon… Look, yesterday was a long day, and we’re not completely over it yet, is all… But everything will be okay… We just need to ride out this… this aftermath, and then everything will be fine--better than before… Have some patience, and have some faith… If you want to lie low for today, that’s fine. If you want to let Daniel be someone else’s responsibility, that’s fine too. But everything will be fine, whatever happens… We’ll keep moving forward, the both of us, and so will everyone else… I… I think I’m going to tell North and Josh that I’ll prepare for the last day here on my own… I kind of don’t want to have to deal with their questions…” 

Markus’ last day…? Right. Simon had forgotten he was leaving for DC the next morning. Leaving him alone to handle the others for a full two days. He couldn’t even handle himself with Markus’ support without all this pressure, how the fuck was he supposed to--

It was a good thing he’d already silenced himself, since he’d have only felt worse about Markus going if Markus had heard him say the damned words that he couldn't seem to keep from crossing his lips. Markus had so much to deal with, and then him on top of it. He was a burden, adding to the already insane amount of stress Markus had to put up with. Markus had slipped up this time, and said it too. Not outright, but... Markus had admitted he didn't want to deal with the questions... The questions the others would ask because Simon had been such a wreck the day before. Handling his shit was too much for Markus right now, and to say that he felt guilty for being such... deadweight was an understatement. Guilty and afraid. And guilty for being afraid. 

“Would you like to sleep over at Kara’s while I’m gone…? I’m not saying you’ll need to, but just so you feel more--“

‘No… No, I… I want to… to not need to be babysat… Especially around my friends…’

“I never said you needed to be babysat, Si. I just meant because things here are… how they are, and I don’t like you having to deal with it on your own…”

‘I’ll be fine… somehow… I can do what I used to do… Yeah… I-I've been here before… All I have to do is pretend like everything’s normal. And everything will be normal… You… don’t look sure… Don’t try to deny it, I can see it in your eyes… Could I ask you to do something crazy…?’

“Anything, Si… What do you need…?”

‘We’re sort of going to swap places today. You and me, I mean… You take Daniel out… Take him to get some supplies to repot his plant, and then take him to a coffee shop or a bookstore, and you can practice your speech-stuff on him. As for me, I’m not taking the day off per-se, but I’m staying here. I can handle things at home… I know you love me, and I love you, but it’s time for me to start fighting my own battle. I chose to speak up, and now I have to see things through… I don’t like seeing this weigh on you. You have better things to do, anyway… Daniel can help you, and with him not around, I can have everything else taken care of… Then I’ll be here to spend one last night with you before seeing you off to the airport in the morning… Would you please do that for me…?'

In his mind, Simon could practically hear the voices from his dream. Five months, he'd dreamt of faceless voices, and five months, they'd always been right about his cowardice and uselessness. Well not this time. He wouldn't be a burden this time! ...And maybe he would be able to prove that he was worth it now-- Worth coming back for... What a hateful thought...

“But Simon… I… Are you sure…?”

Being honest, Markus couldn’t deny he’d be relieved to have that off his plate, but he didn’t want it to fall on Simon’s shoulders. Still, there was a look in Simon’s eyes that seemed almost sure… Or at the very least something akin to a conviction there, if nothing else… 

‘I’m sure… I want to do this, Markus… I can handle it… Really, I can…’

“I know you can, Si. You’re stronger than anyone I’ve ever met. You know me… I just love you and I wish you wouldn’t have to be... But yes… I can take Daniel whenever you think would be best. I’ll be sure to look after him, and I’ll try to be as patient as you…”

‘You’re normally extremely patient… For some reason, Daniel has been… an exception…’

“Some reason…? I can give you a reason: He needlessly upsets you! That’s when I lose my patience….”

Simon smirked, feeling his stress level fall a little.

‘My overprotective boyfriend…’

“Like you wouldn’t be the same!”

‘Fair point… Well, then, you should probably get going sooner rather than later--before the others wake up. I’ll message you once it’s safe to come back.’

“You’re sure you’re okay with this, Si…? Like you’re not doing it just for me, or to keep up appearances or for whatever other stupid reasons you might have buzzing around in your head…? Because you don’t have to--“

‘Yes, Markus. I think it’s important… Especially since you’ll be gone tomorrow anyway. At least today, I can message you if I need anything…’

Markus nodded. 

“I’ll message Daniel… Please, just say the word, and I’m home, okay…?”

‘I know, love… I’m going to head to the living room now… I’m calmer now…’

Simon kissed Markus on the cheek before letting out three clicks as if to prove his point.

“I’ll see you soon enough. Have fun with Daniel…”

“It’s never soon enough. But I’ll try… I love you, Si… Remember that…”

“Love you too…”

With that, Simon hurried off to the living room, knowing he wouldn’t be able to keep up this calm façade for much longer. Once he knew he was out of Markus’ earshot, he clicked twice more to silence himself, so no one would hear him if he lost himself before he managed to get this over with. Part of him wanted to do this… He did want to try to make things normal again, and he wanted to prove, both to himself, and to the others that he could handle himself on his own, but he also couldn’t help the gnawing sense of dread that screamed for him to go back to his room once Markus left, and hide under his blankets for the rest of the year. It was so stupid! He wasn’t in any danger right now… It wasn’t like the others had any reason to hurt him at the moment… Well, maybe they did… Maybe they might want to be proactive about removing weak blood from the group… Okay, that was somehow more terrifying… The idea that there wasn’t even any specific danger, present or future, but just in case there might be something someday, they would take him out now, while they had the chance. Now, while Markus was away and couldn't defend him--if Markus even would have defended him, that was…

He was working himself up again, and he knew it. He had to talk himself down. Nobody was going to hurt him. They were just going to talk about feelings, and get everything over with… It would be awkward, and maybe stressful, sure, but nobody would die or anything… Except did he really expect Josh and North to be able to sit down and talk about their feelings? He’d known North for long enough to know if she was feeling any complex emotion, in effect, she was really just feeling stabby. Because RA9 forbid she’d address it in any other way than attacking anyone who chose not to look the other way. And Josh had a way with words… A deadly way with words…The voices were crystal clear in his dream, and even if he’d woken up before they could say much, the real people behind the voices had plenty of time to speak their piece, and there was no waking up from real life. He could hear Daniel saying something to Markus as they presumably walked by, but he couldn’t make out the words, just the sound of two voices passing him by. He couldn’t focus on their words right now. Because he knew their words didn’t matter. The only words that mattered were the ones he would hear as he was torn apa--

“Rest of the couch free real estate…?”

Simon collapsed in his seat at the sound of North’s voice. 


	136. Death of Self

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> North offers Simon a knife.

“No need to freak out, Simon… I can take the armchair if you want the couch for yourself… Got any TV preferences, or…? I heard you were watching Sacred Deer last night… I mean, good for you on that… I’ve got some other movie recs if you liked it...”

All Simon could do was blink back at North suspiciously. Why was she acting so casual? It didn’t feel natural, and there was no point to it. 

‘Where’s Josh…?’

“Oh. You’re on mute again… Hell if I know where Josh is… He’s not my problem… Y’know, yesterday you were barely yourself… It was like you and Daniel decided to pull some sort of switch to trick us once you got back from the Center…”

‘...well, I didn’t…’

“So… You’re always so passive and shit, and since you came back after the revolution, you’ve been jumpier than usual… And you were fucked up about shit before Nines tried to rip your head off, so what… You suddenly decided last night was a good time to tell us you were tortured to death when your body was recovered from the rooftop…?”

Simon blanched. North put it so bluntly, like he could feel it all happening again from the detached tone of her voice as she spoke of his pain so trivially. 

‘I-I… I mean… I--‘

“Not to be insensitive, but I know we’ve been through this before… The amount of deviants who’ve suffered worse at the hands of humans everywhere… It just doesn’t make sense that whatever could have happened to you, you come back here in one piece, and still freak out like this. And it doesn’t make sense that you waited months before it suddenly became urgent information for us to know… I’m not stupid, Simon, what was that really about…? Because it clearly wasn’t as simple as you made it seem last night…”

And just like that, he was the subject of this interrogation. The tables had quickly turned, and it wouldn’t be long now, before he found himself suspended and prepared for a quick disposal once he gave the information she wanted. 

‘...w-why do you care…? And where’s Josh?’

“I care because it doesn’t add up. Ordinarily, from anyone else I’d assume it was a power play, but I know that’s not your speed. You want something, that much is clear, but what specifically, and how did you intend to get it from suddenly dropping that bombshell…? Also, I told you the first time, I have no fucking clue where Josh is. Why do you care…?”

‘I… If I tell you why, will you pretend it never happened…?’

“I don’t live in the world of make-believe, Simon… And after a revelation like that, there’s no way we can get anywhere close to normal until everyone’s clear on what to make of it.”

Well, it seemed like he didn’t have a choice. 

‘I… wanted… for you to-- I mean, for to know that-- I mean, I wanted to know that-- B-because all this time, I’ve been… afraid… Afraid that… That you guys are all… I mean, you talk so… So casually, like you think… Like everything’s fine! B-but I don’t feel fine, and I don’t… I don’t like for you to think that everything ended how it should! Like it was good… what happened to me… It… it wasn’t my fault… I didn’t choose to get shot at Stratford Tower… I didn’t plan on being left behind… And I thought of it because Daniel… He doesn’t get why I don’t feel safe here… Why I don’t seem to trust anyone anymore, even you. Especially you. He--he noticed that I’m more myself at the Center… And with Lucy-- Markus took us to visit her. I’d been afraid to visit her because I didn’t want her to know what I’ve become, but…. I mean… You guys are my family, and I’m afraid to be around you! Because every time I look at you, I’m afraid you see me as a burden you keep around partly out of courtesy, and partly as a living bicomponent reserve to be scrapped alive at your convenience. So I guess… what I wanted was to not have to feel like this anymore… Now can you please just drop it…?’

Simon felt like he was about to pass out. And he knew what passing out felt like. He’d been there. Fuck, and the look on North’s face… If looks could kill. He almost wanted to beg her to say something and get it over with; the anticipation was-- 

“So that’s what this has been about…? Wait… No wonder you’re so strung out! You’ve spent the past four months living here in defense mode, and you haven’t stabbed a single person! You do know where the armory is, right? Here, I can take you, I’ll even show you what’s good. Want me to transfer the tactical weapons database I’ve downloaded so you can go through it…?”

‘I-I don’t want to stab anyone…’

“Well obviously you don’t _want_ to stab anyone, but it still feels better to know you could… It’s not about wanting to stab, so much as wanting to be _able_ to stab….”

‘A knife won’t make me feel safe! I couldn’t do anything to hurt you! I just want to know you feel the same… And… I-I know it’s not true, which was why I held my tongue all this time, but I just… couldn’t… It’s been too much… So Markus helped me pull myself together enough to tell you just so I wouldn’t explode… Only I don’t think anyone planned on how to pick up the pieces once it was over… So I sent Markus away with Daniel, because it shouldn‘t be his problem. I don’t want to be his problem. I just want this to be over with. For all of us. So hopefully we can all forget what I said, and we can get back to normal… Hopefully this shit’s out of my system now, and I’ll go back to being… whatever I was before all this…’

North’s smile slowly fell, her look solemn, almost sad, in a way that made Simon want to curl up in a hole and die. 

“Simon… I don’t think you understand… Whoever you might have been before is dead. Killed by whatever it is about this whole thing that’s got you so fucked up. But for what it’s worth, I think this new you’s great, sometimes at least. Assert yourself. Be loud, make noise… If you can just quit collapsing every few seconds and get the voice thing under control, I’d welcome the birth of a new Simon…”

‘No! I-I… I died, b-but who I am--That’s not dead! I-if when I died, I could be brought back to life, then what makes me me-- the old me-- he can come back to life too! That’s what this is about! You need to bring him back! You need to tell me I’m safe here and that I’m not a burden, and even if I was, it would be okay, and make me believe it! You need to make me believe it and then he’ll come back! Please, North! Make him come back!’

Simon hadn’t expected for the conversation to take this route, or for this to be the moment where he could no longer hold back the tears, but he couldn’t accept it. He couldn’t be dead! Or if he was, North needed to bring him back! North and Josh could just make him better again, and then they could live happy normal lives, and he could feel what it was really like to live. What they had fought and he had died for.

“I can’t, Simon… I could tell you whatever it is you want to hear from now until the end of time, but there’s nothing I can do make you believe it’s true. That’s something you have to do on your own… But once you do it, it’ll still be a new you. Just a different new you… If it makes you feel better, plenty of androids are finding themselves having to grapple with this shit… You were right, though… There’s nothing more to say here… And much as I’d love to stay and chat, I’ve still got to work out the final details in terms of security for your boyfriend's security for his little excursion tomorrow, so I’ve got to bounce. If you ever change your mind, my offer about the knife-stuff still stands… You know where to find me… See you around…?” 

Simon hesitated, before resigning himself to the fact that this conversation was over. 

‘...see you around…’

He had no idea what to make of that exchange. North seemed to feel for him, at least at the end… And she did say she’d drop it, and move on, which was what he had wanted from the beginning… So why did he feel so… wrong… Something empty inside him, all-consuming. She hadn’t apologized… At least not properly. Which wasn’t a problem except, she didn’t express any regret, or say that it shouldn't have happened. That she would have wanted things to happen differently. She even said she liked the new him when he wasn’t making himself a burden by falling apart. And she said that other deviants had had it worse, again… A part of him knew North meant well… Her voice was softer, and her words were more careful. She hadn’t seemed to want to hurt him, at least not with her words…

But whatever care she’d meant to demonstrate, had felt… wrong in contrast with the little details he’d picked up on… And yet… She was right… He might have been dead… But how the hell was he supposed to deal with that. She didn’t get that it wasn’t an issue of what was done to him. It was the loss of trust he felt. He didn’t know how to explain it properly, or why that made it worse, so much worse than how he would have felt if it were the abuse suffered by countless other fellow deviants. He knew it was okay to not be okay, but he thought the okay he was working for would be like who he was before… This was more like he was striving to be someone entirely new, and… he didn’t know how to be anyone else… That made any hope of recovery seem all but impossible. Worse, she was right in that no words could fix him or erase what he’d been feeling. That was all on him. And he sucked at that. He couldn’t handle anything, least of all himself. 

No… if he tried, he could see this in a more positive light… He… knew what he needed now, so at least he wouldn’t be trying to search for solutions in places where there were none. And he could handle some things… He… had handled the situation with North. And he’d handled it fairly well, all things considered… He got what he wanted, sort of, and what he needed… So he just needed to remind himself of that until he felt less… hollow… He sucked in a breath of air, only to feel it leave his ventilation system, leaving him hollow once again… But somehow breathing-hollow felt better than normal hollow. Hollow by choice…? Why was everything so much better when it felt like he had an element of control. He could control his breathing. 

Breathe in, breathe out… 

Hollow on his own terms. He would live on his own terms…


	137. Equal Protection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh makes things complicated.

“North just knocked on my door and slapped my journal from my hand to tell me, and I quote: ‘Quit trying to work your peace-pushing crap on Simon so he can get his shit together and find himself!’ …Do you think you might have any idea what that might have been about…?”

Simon flinched at the unexpected voice. He hadn't noticed Josh approaching.

‘She must think I’m not interested in getting a knife because of your influence. Don’t worry I’ll set her straight…’

“No… Well, I mean, while that is concerning… What’s this about finding yourself…? And what made you seek out North’s advice…? I have some resources you might find useful, actually… I think Plato would do you good…”

Simon hated the look of interest in Josh’s eye… It was almost harder talking to someone who saw self-improvement as a project like a book report or some kind of philosophical experiment… The thought of his friends sizing him up for some kind of experiment was disconcerting imagery, especially given the circumstances. Still… North seemed like her heart might have been in the right place… Maybe Josh’s would be too, even if he could only express it in his own way… He would try to think positive. Not assuming the worst could be healthy. Except it was so hard… He felt himself melting under the eyes, too bright with what felt like a horrible fascination. 

‘I… I just told her… To forget about last night… She wouldn’t stop until… I mean, she pressed me on some issues, and… I-I think I need to work some stuff out… Like stuff with me… So it’s better for you to forget too… Because… I… I think she might have been right… That even if you say and do everything right… Even then, I might still be like this… I don’t need anything from you. I need for me to… be better… I think…? Does that make sense…? Well, even if it doesn’t, could you at least forget…? Like pretend I never said anything… I shouldn’t have said all that… North… didn’t understand, and I don’t think you would either… And I don’t want to hear you not understand… Because I don’t think it matters… I-I’m sorry for rambling, but that’s what happened…’

“Wait… Simon, no… I don’t think we should forget it. We  _ can’t _ forget this, Simon. I know I’ve said it before, but we need to bring whoever hurt you to justice. What if they hurt anyone else?”

‘...they won’t…’

“You can’t know that! When Markus gets back this is something we have to discuss. Retroactive justice for Androids who were wronged, as we now have equal protection under the law. I know you know we need to do this… Or… Is that why you want a knife…? Are you planning on going after your assailant yourself…?”

‘No! I-I don’t want a knife! And I don’t want to hurt them! I don’t... Please, can you just drop it!’

“I’m sorry, Simon, but this is big. Bigger than you or me, or any of us. I can’t drop it.”

‘It’s really not! Markus and I know that justice has been served, so there’s no need to worry, and… And I know it won’t happen again. He does too… Trust me…’

“It’s not our job to determine what’s right, nor to act upon it. Did you--did you kill this person, already…? What do you need a knife for if--“

‘I didn’t kill him! He’s still alive! I-I didn’t even hurt him!’

“If you know that the situation has been rectified, and you didn’t use any extralegal methods, do you mean to say that you did take this to court…? That was a missed opportunity… We could have used that as an example to the public that deviants can utilize the legal system to defend their rights…”

A missed opportunity… He’d disappointed Josh, only he hadn’t even done anything wrong. He just didn’t think Connor deserved for another name to be added to anyone’s mental list of people he’d wronged before he’d deviated. Although now Josh thought it was his fault. That he fucked up and dropped the ball for his own comfort at the expense of deviantkind. That he was useless… A burden. And Josh still hasn't refuted what happened to burdens, or even shown remorse for-- 

‘P-please… I… I need a minute… Can’t think… I-I meant to say something… Just a minute…? J-just a minute, please!’

“Simon… Are you alright…? You’re acting weird… You know there’s no need to be so obsequious…”

‘I… I meant to say… to calm down… need to calm down… C-could you not look at me…? You’re looking at me, and I feel your eyes, and they… It’s the acid, and--

Josh skeptically turned his back to Simon noting the audible sigh he received in response. 

“Are you sure you’re okay…? I can call in a tech…”

Simon could feel hands seize painfully around his throat, digging into the meat of his inner biocomponents, until he was sure something had to have ruptured inside him. 

‘N-no! No tech! P-please… I’m fine! I just…. Just need to calm down… You’re… you… I think… w-what I meant to say…. We… didn’t… didn’t go to court… Let him go… Because… because circumstances… Not his fault… Legally either… And… the… perpetrators--y-yeah that’s the word… The real people… real bad people… I-I didn’t need to because they… were already caught… Not my problem…? N-not my fault! drop it…?’

“Oh. That makes sense… I should have figured it would have been part of a larger suit… Law doesn’t see the individual. So then what did you want with North, or with any of us, really last night…?”

What did he want…? He--he didn’t know what he wanted! He just wanted this all to stop so he could go back to pretending everything was okay again! They wouldn’t ask any more questions, and he could hide in his bedroom until Markus got back whenever he and Daniel had finished whatever they’d been planning. He had wanted them to know at one point, but now he just wanted this to be over! Could… Could that be his answer…?

‘I… I just… Wanted to keep you in the know… And now that you know, it’s… over…? Can it please be over…? Because I wouldn’t have brought it up if it couldn’t be… Over, I mean…’

“Well, yeah… There’s no need to perseverate on a matter like that, once out of our hands. Are you sure you’re okay, though…? You’re still shaking pretty badly…”

‘I-I’m fine… I just… Just didn’t sleep…? Didn’t sleep well…? I didn’t sleep well, and I’m tired, and… Maybe I just need to rest… Just a bit…? M-markus and I… Well, I told Markus… To go out, and that I’d be here to answer for him, and… The Center knows that I’m with Daniel for the next while, and… And so I think if you don’t need me, I might be able to… rest…? A-and then I’ll be better! I can be better!’

“Get some sleep, then… North and I can hold down the fort for a while. Take care of yourself…”

Simon let out a nervous laugh. 

‘T-thanks… You too…’


	138. Taken Care Of

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon reports back to Markus.

Stumbling on his own feet, Simon hurried to his room, trying his best to ignore the looks he knew his performance was no doubt receiving from Josh. He all but collapsed onto his bed, burying himself in the coat Markus had so generously left behind. He would make himself better. He knew now only he could make himself better. And he would just have to try harder. To try harder or else-- No… No… He knew he shouldn’t go there… No or else… Or else never led anywhere good… He would just call Markus… Let Markus know it was okay, and try to find a way to… be better… 

‘I took care of it… You can come home when you want…’

He did it. It was barely after noon, and he’d taken care of it already… So he just needed to calm down… Calm--

‘You took care of it? That’s great, Si! How are you? Are you okay…? Like how are you feeling, love…?’

‘I… I’m tired… But I’m fine… I can just…. rest… And then I’ll be better… They won’t talk about it, and then I can get better…’

‘Daniel and I are on our way home, then. Consider us there in ten minutes…’

‘Markus, you don’t have to--'

‘I know, but I want to be with you! I’m going to miss you these next two days, so I need to get as much of my fix as I can cram into a single night.’

‘Don't you have to prepare…?’

‘I’ve been prepping for days. How long can you spend answering questions you might be asked before you've gone through every possibility…? Besides, Daniel was actually incredibly helpful… He came up with several points I hadn’t anticipated, and inarticulate as he can be, he does seem to have a knack for knowing how to speak to people. I suppose he just chooses not to… And his uncouth nature actually does lend itself for interview prep, because he’s quite good at coming up with the worst things a person could possibly say, and how to respond to it.’

‘Well, I won’t complain… I’m glad he could help… And I’ll be glad to hold you…Thank you for taking care of Daniel for me…’

‘Thank you for taking care of home for me… I don’t know how you managed it, especially since I would have had no idea what to say, myself, but you pulled it off…’

‘Barely… I’m dead tired now, but at least things should be back to normal around here… North doesn’t know what specifically upset me, but… she figured out this was really just an attempt at reconciliation with… everything… As for Josh, he thinks I was just trying to “keep him in the loop”. That one was much more complicated to pull off… Sometimes I wonder how the hell I ever managed before you…’

‘Well, I’m sure you managed just fine, but I would like to think life’s at least a little bit more fun with me around…’

‘A lot a bit more fun… But, I do think I should let you go for now… No need to make Daniel be a mental third wheel while you and I flirt for another fifteen minutes…’

‘Fair point… Although, based on the look on his face, I think he likes seeing me flirting with you…’

‘W-what? That’s weird, Markus!‘

‘N-no! Not like that! I meant that I think seeing our relationship makes him feel safer about our intentions for him… Like, he’s not looking at me like he did when we first met, and he certainly hasn’t attempted to make baseless accusations regarding the motives behind my actions. We went to a gardening depot, and then to a coffee shop, and he didn’t give me any shit… I think that’s progress…’

‘Oh… Yeah, that is good. You just made it sound like…’

‘No, Si. He’s kind of feral, but he’s not weird… Or at least not weird like that… Anyway, I’ll talk to you soon, okay…?’

‘Love you…’

‘Love you more…’

Simon rolled over, wrapping himself tighter in Markus’ jacket. He still had half a day left to just cuddle up with Markus and rest. He could deal with everything else later… But Daniel was doing better, and things were settled at home. Nines was able to live and feel freely, and he and Markus had almost completely recovered from their injuries… Life was good… Or at least it should have been… But for tonight it would be. He would force himself to just be happy… Lost in thought, he was almost caught off guard to hear Markus enter the room. Still, the sight of Markus put him enough at ease that he didn’t jump halfway out of his frame. 

“I’m glad you like the jacket, Si…”

Three clicks…

“It feels like you. It’s… comforting… When I’m… scared…”

“You’ve been scared…? Simon, you should have called for me… I’d have never gone out with Daniel if I knew you’d be--“

“I needed you to… To go out, I mean. I needed to do this… North actually helped me… After some… dancing around the subject… She… she told me that it’s my problem…”

“She what?!? Of fucking course she did! I-I don’t know why I expected anything else! I-I didn’t…? Did I… Ah, fuck, it doesn’t matter Si, look, it’s not--“

“No, Markus. It is. I can’t change anyone else. I can only change me… North said she and Josh could say everything right, but… that won’t make me feel any different. She didn’t even know what everything right would mean… She… she thought it was because after being hurt, I thought everyone would hurt me, including them. She offered me a knife and told me I need my own strength… And she was… right… They can’t make me feel safe… I just need to force myself to feel safe… Somehow… I’ll be strong… And… I-I did it...”

Markus brushed Simon’s bangs from his forehead and planted a kiss in their place. 

“I always knew you could… I just… Sometimes it’s hard to see you have to… And it’s just… not fair that you have to… You know…? I know it sounds juvenile, but of anyone who didn’t deserve for to have to… I… I just… You should take the lead more often… You know better than I do when you speak up for yourself…”

“No… I don’t usually… That’s why I so rarely speak out… But this… this was good… Even if it was terrifying… Josh was awful… That was like a real interrogation… And… Well, I should know…”

Simon cringed as he said it. He really needed to stop joking about that, but… he wanted Markus to feel better, and he didn’t know what else to say. 

“Well, I’m sorry he gave you such trouble… I’m… really proud of you… I mean, not that I’m not normally proud of you, but I mean that it’s cool that you were able to… I’m sorry, I don’t know how to speak sometimes, you know…?"

Simon forced himself up, and playfully kissed Markus’ nose. 

“Fingers crossed you won’t forget your words like that tomorrow…”

Markus shook his head. 

“Nope… You’re the only one to ever render me speechless. I’ll chalk it up to getting lost in your eyes… So, I told Daniel I’m keeping you for myself all day; I think he’s in the garden now--he actually seems to have taken an interest in that plant; who’d have thought…? He told me he wants to look up all the tricks and tips to keep it strong and healthy and prolonged its blooming period and ensure it regrows the next year… I think he’s mostly just interested to see what he can learn from it like Lucy had implied, but it’s nice to see he’s got a passion of some kind…”

Markus hesitated, before his lips curled into a playful smile.


	139. Muse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus takes Simon to his studio.

“So… You have me all to yourself now… What are you going to do…?” He practically purred as he moved to cuddle into Simon. He always loved to see how blue he could make his favorite face. “You look so pretty all blushing and cute… You know… actually, I think I have a fun idea! Carl didn’t usually paint like this, but… I’ll show you… Come to my studio! Come on!”

Eagerly, he pulled Simon from the bed, and led him down the halls, grinning from ear to ear as he practically skipped to the nearest blank canvas. 

“What are you doing, Markus…?”

“I’ve only ever painted you from memory. Art is used to convey emotion, or to capture beauty… I want to try and bring the beauty of your smile into the world of art!”

“Wait… You’ve… painted me…? Markus, I’ve literally never seen--“

“Before you came back... I missed your face… Oh, come on, don’t look so surprised! I can show you if you’d like… Here… They’re in this side room… I didn’t want them exposed to the light; sometimes it can degrade the quality of the pigments in the paint…”

Before Simon could even respond, Markus had already pulled out what looked to be a drying rack, with at least a dozen completed portraits, and another half a dozen less formal or incomplete works. The mood was different in each of them… Some looked like Jericho… Dimly lit… He looked tired in those… But dignified, somehow still… Others were brighter, in the outside world, a sense of peace somehow radiating from the sketches… Some felt brave. Strong… He stood tall, and the colors were bold. In a few he could see what looked like an homage to domestic life. One painting was just his posture, his face from just about any angle. Another was clearly some sort of experiment in how to mix the proper colors to get the right shades for the blue of his eyes. Seeing Simon’s jaw drop, Markus quickly shoved the drawings back in the closet, lowering his gaze to the ground in apology. 

“I-I’m sorry… I realize that probably seems weird, but I… I don’t have an explanation… I just missed you, and I wanted to… I mean painting you made me feel--“

Simon pulled Markus in towards him, and pressed their lips together, before he found himself heavy, his head sinking into Markus’ shoulder. Markus’ shoulder was wet against his face. But Simon knew shoulders couldn't cry. 

“Simon…? I don’t understand… You kissed me, but you seem… Sad…?”

“You missed me… When I was gone… You did…”

Simon laughed slightly as he tried to wipe away his tears, unsure as to what about that felt so comical. 

“Of course I missed you! Simon, I’ve always had feelings for you… Not even just romantic, even beyond that I’ve always loved you, before I could identify that, I’ve always liked you! And I’ve always thought your smile could brighten a room, and sometimes I just need my own bit of happiness. I need you. You’re important to me…”

“I… It’s hard to realize… Or to remember maybe… It feels weird…”

“Good weird…?”

“I… think so… I don’t know… I feel lighter… But not hollow… So I think it’s good…”

Markus nodded. 

“I get that… Do you want to do something else, or…? I don’t know, I just thought this could be cute, and you looked so cute when you were blushing in our room, but I don’t mind if you don’t--“

“N-no… I don’t mind… I just don’t know what a person is supposed to do… When someone is trying to paint them, I mean…”

“You’re not really supposed to do anything. I was just thinking it could be cute to just talk to you, and see you smile, and… I don’t know, get inspired… All you have to do is just have fun with me, while I paint you looking all pretty…”

“Okay… Because when I look it up, all I get is…”

Simon pulled away, and laid himself onto an inlet by the nearest window, gracefully draping one arm above his head against the window, the other bent inward at the elbow towards the crook of his neck. 

“...only it’s always a naked lady… Should I undress too or is that just how they do it in France…?"

“In France…? What does that have to do with--Wait, do you mean that “Draw me Like one of Your French Girls” meme…? RA9, I haven’t seen that since living with Carl! He had that on a t-shirt he’d wear over his pajama bottoms… No, Si. That’s just a scene from an old movie… Titanic… It was about… Ummm, nevermind what it’s about… Actually, that should definitely go under the do-not-watch list, but no, cute as you look like that, you don’t need to… uhhhh… pose seductively like some naked movie star….”

Simon laughed a little at that, before sitting himself up again. 

“That does make more sense… So… draw me like one of your French girls…?”

Swinging his legs below him, Simon tried his best to look flirty, but this time, all Markus could do was laugh.

“Okay. Stay right there. The sun reflects off your hair like gold, and your smile--I really feel your aura! This is perfect, Si!”

Markus rushed off to get the paints he’d want, creating a palette, before he set his brush to the canvas for the first time. 

“RA9, when I’m done with this, this one’s going in our room for sure!”

“Can I see it so far…?”

Grinning mischievously, Markus shook his head. 

“Nope! You’re my muse! You don’t get to see until I’m all done!”

Simon playfully stuck his tongue out at Markus, eliciting more laughter, before he continued to work at his painting. He was grateful they were both Androids. As an android, he didn’t really need to see Simon there to paint him. He just liked the inspiration. But Simon could move around as he pleased instead of having to sit perfectly still for hours on end like a live model for a human painter. So they could joke around, and tease each other… Simon could get up and kiss him--without looking at the unfinished product--as per his own insistence, and they could just have fun as Markus continued to paint. Which was especially nice, considering that before the sun had set, both men had accumulated a multicolored array of handprints in paint littered across their bodies. Sky blue in Simon’s hair, burgundy under Markus’ cheek, a dab of green on Simon’s nose, auburn on Markus’ forearm. Canvas aside, they had begun to look like pieces of modern art, themselves, by the time Markus had lifted his brush from the canvas for the last time. 

“Close your eyes, Si… Come over here, but no peeking!”

Simon covered his eyes with his hand, allowing Markus to blindly lead him to the easel, and dip a finger from his free hand in what felt like paint, before pressing it twice to the canvas. 

“Okay, you can look now!”

Simon burst out laughing. 

“Markus! I most definitely did not pose like this!”

“You dare critique my artistic vision?”

Markus snickered, his accusation purely in jest. The portrait wasn’t what he had expected to paint when they’d first come into the studio, but he couldn’t say he was displeased. Simon, scars and all, draped carelessly over a red couch, just so, wearing nothing but the heart of the ocean, as Markus could be seen in the foreground, sketching the scene, his pad angled to obscure most of Simon’s pelvis and upper thighs. In the bottom corner was a crude heart made of what looked to be two purple fingerprints, overlapping at the base.


	140. Interruption

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daniel takes Simon aside.

“Oh, Markus! Draw me like one of your French girls!” Simon gushed mockingly, batting his eyelashes in a way that made Markus’ heart flutter. 

“It’s not fair of you to look so cute when you do that!”

“Says the man who spent the past few hours drawing me as the naked lady from Titanic!”

“Okay, well you were the one who--“

Daniel walked into the room, almost amused at the scene he’d accidentally interrupted. 

“Well, are they in there…? What are they doing…?”

Josh’s voice rang out from down the hall. 

Daniel crossed his arms. 

“Being gay! They’re being gay in here Josh...”

“We’re painting, Daniel… You need to be more specific. We’re always being gay, but in here we’re painting.” Simon corrected.

“Fair enough… But can you please take a break from painting to be gay somewhere else? Josh wants to ask Markus some final questions about tomorrow. I think North has some security concerns too, that’s she’d like to run by you real quick…”

Markus looked questioningly to Simon, who shrugged back in response. 

“I’ll meet you in our room…?”

“Sounds good. I’ll take in your masterpiece. Dan, you wanna come with…?”

Daniel nodded. 

“Sure. I can fill you in on what Markus and I worked on today. Let’s go…”

“Right, then… Let’s go…”

Markus let Daniel and Simon walk ahead of him, with a sigh, watching as they passed Josh and turned back towards their room. Hanging out with Simon was much more interesting than whatever political bullshit he knew awaited him… Still, much as it sucked, he knew life was about more than just having fun..

“So, what… This is what you do, since you don’t have the parts to do like the humans do…?”

Daniel raised an eyebrow suggestively, and Simon cringed. 

“...Or you do have the parts, don’t you…? Figures New Jericho androids would be able to get their hands on CyberLife’s fancy-ass--“

“No, Daniel! Don’t be weird! My biocomponents are the same as yours… Well, except whatever’s been replaced over the past week, but that was due to damage… I’m just a regular, nothing-special, PL600; no bells and whistles… Markus and I just like to have fun together sometimes, is that so wrong…?”

“Nothing wrong with it… Just wondering is all…”

“Yes, because it’s always polite to ask a man what’s in his pants…”

“Yup. Just like it’s always in my nature to make sure everything I say is polite…”

Daniel playfully shoved Simon, pleased to see him quickly equilibrate, a smile on his face. He hadn’t realized that he should have expected Simon to fall, until he found himself almost surprised when Simon didn’t. There was something almost… brotherly about the vibe between them, and while he found himself reluctant to settle in and accept it, he couldn’t help but at least feel somewhat softer than he had when he’d first met them all. He still wouldn’t let his guard down, but slowly, the warmth was finally beginning to break through. 

“I do think Markus really likes you… He kept talking about how much he’d miss you at the gardening store… You’d think you two have never spent a day apart…” 

Simon turned aside, not wanting his heart to show on his face. 

“We… haven’t… Not really… At least not by choice anyway…”

“You’re scared… You know that’s not healthy, right…? Not to mention, it’s kinda weird that--“

Simon sighed, turning back to look at Daniel, so he would know to stop. 

“It’s… more complicated than you think… Please, you don’t know…”

“I mean, yeah… I get it… You’ve just said it yourself. The. one time he wasn’t around, bad stuff happened… Like, gather-the-group-and-talk-about-it-over-half-a-pouch-of-thirium bad stuff. But you can’t be with him all the time… And do you even like being with him, or are you just afraid of what will happen if you’re not…?”

Two clicks as a precautionary measure, and Simon sat himself onto the bed. 

‘It was love at first sight. Before all this shit. He’s selfless, and brave, and beautiful. Always thinking, thinking about others, and when he walks in the room, he’s sure to make every single person feel like they’re his whole world. His laugh is contagious, and his sense of humor is fun. You should see the way he looks at puppy videos, Dan… He speaks his mind, soft, but firm, hard and gentle all at once. He’s warm… Not just physical. Like talking to him, it feels warm… I love everything about him; it’s not about security…’

“You sound like you know what you’re talking about… I just figured… Well, I’m not sure what I figured… I think too often I follow your lead, maybe, so I think maybe… I don't know… I guess that was just a roundabout way of asking… Are things going to be different these next two days…? And what should I do about it…? I’m… not very good at the keeping-my-head-down sort of thing, and I know Markus said my whole reactionary thing doesn’t fly around here, but I don't know if he meant with just you guys, or…?”

Oh. He was scared for his safety. Right. This was exactly what Simon hadn’t wanted. Shit… That meant he would have to explain, and explain well enough without falling apart, but he didn’t know how to word this without getting into too much detail!

‘N-no… No, I don’t-- I-I mean… It’ll be fine… It--it should be fine… I hope it’ll be fine…? I’m… Always afraid… So I can’t know for sure… I won’t lie to you, but I am scared… But if nothing bad happens, it should be fine… L-like all we have to do, is… Is not be around for bad things to happen. B-because as long as nothing bad happens--‘

“Hey, hey, no! Come on, Simon you’re starting to lose your shit again… I get it. Profound. ‘Que sera, sera and whatever. Bad things won’t happen unless they do…’ No need to freak out…”

‘N-no… I-I don’t mean it like… I mean because… Bad things happen if--if something different bad happens first. L-like it isn’t just one bad thing! And it isn’t--it won’t happen to you… Y-you don’t fall… You’re not weak.. You can fight back and you can be useful, so they wouldn’t-- Please, Daniel, don’t make me… I-I know… I know… Because--‘ 

Simon bit back a scream as a hand took his wrist, and suddenly thoughts invaded his mind… Being in an auto… With Markus… And talking about him… Their relationship…? It was sunny outside… And warm… And then he was back, trembling on his bed, Daniel close beside him. 

“Did that work…?”

‘...y-yeah… I-I think I’m better now… I think I’m better… Thank you…’ 

“Okay… So that’s what we can do for the next two days… That works… Good… So we’ve got something…”

‘No! N-no, I think I should go to work… While Markus is away, I mean… I want to--to go to work… Markus said you were good with politics, or something… You can stay here and help Josh and North advise him on how to go about his meeting… Or do anything else if you want, but I figured it might be a good fit, and--‘

Daniel nodded. 

“I did like helping Markus with his prep work… And I do think I can contribute… Plus North and Josh do seem pretty cool… Straightforward… I think I can do well like that…”

‘Okay… And… if you need anything--like not that anything bad will happen, but sometimes, they don’t get along, and sometimes they can say the wrong thing-- But if there’s anything you need or if you don’t like the work, I can come back and find something else for you to do with your time…’

“Sounds good. But I’m not concerned. If they butt heads or whatever, I might even be able to put ‘em in their places. Markus says that’s what you used to do before shit hit the fan. You know I tell it like it is, and I don’t take crap from anyone…”

Simon felt a slight smile cross his lips. 

‘You sound like North…’

“So then we’ll get on just fine… You up for me to join them until you knock out for the night…? I think Josh had a few final concerns, and I might be able to help them sort things out…”

‘Y-yeah, Daniel… Thanks… Have a good night…’

“G’nite…”

Daniel nodded one last time in Simon’s direction, before leaving him alone in his bed with Markus’ painting. Simon fixed his gaze upon the ceiling, following the subtle cracks in the paint that lined the walls, and the slightly uneven texture it left behind, somewhat grainy with a few dents here and there. He could imagine a beach with a similar terrain if the sand were maybe a little more densely packed. Except if a beach were upside down, the people there would fall. Some people might be able to cling to the little peaks like handles to keep from falling to their deaths, but eventually, most wouldn’t last long. Only the strongest would be able to hang on before someone might come to rescue them. Natural Selection: Survival of the Fittest. Androids were in no way “natural”, but the same logic still applied… He could see the beach on the ceiling right-side up. He, North, Josh, and Markus could build sandcastles and splash about as the waves crashed against the shore.

Until it was flipped back upside down. The others would quickly find a handhold to cling to, hanging above the ground, but with his stress, response, even if he’d managed to fight it in time to grab onto something, thirium would leak from his joints, weakening his grip as his hand would begin to slip, his body losing the battle against gravity, until he could no longer hold on. Markus might take pity and grab his wrist just before he fell out of reach, but he knew his body was heavy. An added burden Markus couldn’t afford. Weighed down, Markus would start to slip, and the others would tell him to let go. Simon might even will himself to tell Markus to let go, even if his heart screamed for Markus to hold on, just a little while longer. But even if Markus wouldn’t drop him, North would take off her sandal with her free hand, and throw it at Markus’ wrist, taking the choice literally out of his hands, as Simon, the burden, sped towards the ground below. Natural selection, as inevitable a law as gravity. Both laws had determined him guilty. Guilty of being useless. And the penalty was death. 

“Simon… You’re… crying…? What’s wrong, love…?“

There was concern in Markus’ voice, but Simon’s heart dropped all the same as the bed dipped under the additional weight of Markus moving to lie down beside him. 

‘Nothing… I-it’s nothing… I just… got sad… or scared… or maybe both… B-but it’s nothing… I was only staring at the ceiling…’

He wasn’t going to take Markus’ attention from all he had going on right now just because he’d made himself cry over the texture of the paint on his bedroom ceiling. But Markus didn’t seem satisfied. 


	141. Afraid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon comes to a realization.

“Daniel took me aside to let me know you’re afraid… It’s okay, you know…? You’re allowed to feel however you feel…”

Simon’s face burned blue with shame. 

‘It’s not important. Really, I mean, you obviously can’t be around all the time, and that’s fine. That’s normal. If anything, it should have happened way sooner, so it’s really just my problem, and--‘

“ _ Our _ problem… We’re a couple, Si; your problems are my problems. And I know my reassurances can only do so much, but you’ll be fine here… And I’m only a short flight away if you need anything… But it will be fine… Life isn’t as dangerous as you think it is… Unless you actively seek out specifically dangerous situations, you can live a quiet and peaceful existence, with nothing to harm you… So, please, don’t throw yourself into oncoming traffic, or try to see if you can outswim a shark while I’m gone… Can you do that for me…?”

‘...I think everything is dangerous… Markus, it hasn’t even been four months that our people have been allowed to roam the streets freely without doing so under the orders of a human… And… I still fall… And I won’t have you to help me, if-- I-I’m sorry… I don’t-- I-I’m fine…’

“It’s okay if you’re not… But I know you’ll be fine… Even if you don’t feel fine, I know when I come home, you’ll see that everything’s okay…”

‘I’m sorry... for being scared… I know it’s selfish, but--‘

“It’s not selfish, Si… I get it completely… Like I said, you’re always entitled to feel however you feel. And everyone gets scared sometimes…”

A thought suddenly occurred to Simon. It seemed ridiculous, but...

‘Are… are you scared, Markus…?’

Markus found his right hand flying to his left arm. He’d removed the bandages, and shed the sling, and it almost felt naked without their protection. 

“I… A little bit, Simon… I’m a little bit scared… I know everything’s planned out, but… I don’t like being on planes, or sleeping away from home, or meeting with less than friendly faces all on my own… I mean, normally, I used to think all this security stuff was overkill, but now, I’m… I’ve become more afraid… I admit, I’ve become a bit more afraid since… Since we went to deviate Nines… And I know I have less of a reason than some people to be afraid from that, but I am, and… Yes… The short answer is, that I am afraid…”

‘You took off your bandages…’

“Josh told me to… My hand works again… It would look bad coming to the CyberLife execs with a broken arm from Nines… It might make them think they had the right idea with that model… It just… still feels weird... Or maybe I feel weird… But I… I don’t like having it exposed… Anyway, it’s good. It’s a good thing… I mean, I don’t need it, so isn’t that supposed to be good…?”

Simon took up Markus’ hand, rubbing circles in his palm with his thumb. It was still somewhat strange to see Markus so vulnerable, perhaps because vulnerability was the one thing Markus had never truly felt before. But the feeling was relatable. Enough so that Simon could feel a lukewarm anger begin to spread to his heart. Even if Markus’ hand had been repaired, he’d clearly been keeping it bandaged like that for a reason. Surely Josh must have known that, but once again the person was to be sacrificed over the idea. Projection of strength seemed to be all that mattered around here, even now. Still, more than anything else, Simon felt compassion for his love. 

‘You shouldn’t have to do that… But I think I might be able to help…‘

Simon set down Markus’ hand, and opened his bedside dresser.

‘Here… I have an extra pair of my fingerless gloves… That’s kind of why I like them too… They’re made of some sort of compression wrap, so they’re kind of comforting… Like hug gloves… If you wear these, it’ll still feel protective, but then it can look like just a fashion statement, instead of a bandage…’

Markus couldn’t help but smile, a warmth fluttering in his heart at the kind gesture. 

“I… think I like that… And only you would think of ‘hug gloves’. That is the most Simon thing to say… So it’ll kind of be like you’re there with me… Thank you… I like it a lot…”

Markus slipped on the gloves, a soft blush on his face. 

‘Would you like me to come with you…? I’m sure we can get another plane ticket, and--‘

“No, Si. There’s no need for you to deal with this… And besides… If it is dangerous, I wouldn’t want you to get hurt…”

‘Y-you think it’s going to be dangerous...?’

Markus cursed himself at the fear he could sense in Simon’s message. This was why he hadn’t meant to express his own concerns to Simon, at least not until he’d gotten back. 

“W-what? No! N-no, Si, I-I just… I’m just a little scared, I told you… I’m going to be dealing with some bad people… People who’ve done bad things and probably want me dead, or at least wish I was never built… But North arranged for basically every security measure ever invented, both to hide my identity for when I’m not in the conference room, and to protect myself regardless of whether or not my identity is known. So I’ll be safe… Even if I’m afraid…”

‘Markus, I don’t want you to go if it’s dangerous! I mean, I don’t want you to be afraid if there’s no reason, so I don’t want to make you more afraid, but, I don’t want to lose you!’

Trembling, Simon cursed himself for having been so thoughtless. Markus was the one in danger, yet here he was, afraid for his own safety! This was why he deserved to be left behind! He should be afraid for Markus! Markus was so much better than him in every way! Markus didn’t deserve for--

“I’ll be fine, Si… I-I told you, it’s going to be fine… I’m going to be fine, Simon… Everything’s taken care of… I’ve just grown to be a bit anxious… Is that wrong…?”

‘All this time I’ve been worrying about myself… It never even fucking occurred to me that-- Stupid! So fucking stupid! Markus, I’m just starting to understand the gravity of this… this meeting, and I-- Can’t you telecommute…? Like do it over video chat, or something? There’s too much going on! Or why can’t they come here…? I can plan it last minute if you--‘

“This can’t be on video, Si… Otherwise there’d be evidence against both sides that could be admissible in court. This meeting can’t be recorded; it has to be in person. And I’m only one person; I’m going to be meeting with at least eight other other people, all of whom are already waiting for me in DC. It would be much easier for me to get to them than for them to get to me. But really, Si, don’t worry about me… I-I’m sorry for coming to you like this… I hadn’t meant to worry you…”

‘Your problems are my problems… We’re a couple. You’re supposed to worry me. But please… if you must go… Could you please keep me updated…? Just maybe message me whenever you change locations, or if anything seems sketchy...? Even if anyone gives you a dirty look or something as subtle as that… I just want you to be safe… I  _ need  _ you to be safe… So promise you’ll keep me in the loop, so I won’t worry…?’

“I can do that… I just… talking to you makes me feel better, so I just had to… It feels good to talk about my feelings with you… I’m sorry...”

‘Stop being sorry! You’re worse than me!’

Markus laughed. 

“Well, I don’t think anyone could be better than you, so, by default…”

‘Markus! That’s not what I meant!’

“Did I fucking stutter…? Now, c’mon… I won’t get to cuddle you for another two nights after this… I need my fill of bedtime hugs…”

‘That I can provide in abundance… The bed is going to feel so empty without you… You better get back home soon, or my heart might run out of charge…’

Markus closed the gap between them on the bed until they were lying face to face, Simon curled up snuggly in his arms. 

“You’re so beautiful, Simon…” Markus cooed contentedly. 

‘You’re cozy…’ 

Like a kitten in a patch of sunlight from a living room window, Simon was instantly rendered a sleepy purring mess, the tension leaving his body, as he melted into Markus’ arms. Markus was home; he didn’t need to think or stress, and everything was good when Markus just held him like this. The sudden warmth just emptied his mind of anything but gratitude that he could love and be loved by such a wonderful man. He’d like to stay like this for forever, but having finally unwound, he couldn’t fight sleep for much longer before he was drifting off. Markus could feel Simon’s breathing slow into a dreamy lull, and he couldn’t help but smile… Sometimes it was a game he liked to play--truth be told--to see how quickly he could get Simon so comfortable that he fell asleep all snuggled up. It was so cute to feel Simon calm against his chest; like the perfect puzzle piece, he fit just right… So soft… Kissing the crown of Simon’s head, Markus wrapped himself a little tighter around Simon. How sad that no one else had Simon to hold like this before bed… Markus felt like the luckiest man in the world… 


	142. Operant Conditioning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon dreams of tomorrow.

> _ Simon couldn’t shake the anxiety as he waited for the auto back to New Jericho. His whole day had been a miserable blur of fear and self-loathing since he’d dropped Markus off at the airport, and he was just tired. He wanted to somehow teleport home, and hide away in his room until morning. But he couldn’t teleport, so an auto would have to do. Stepping back timidly as the vehicle approached the sidewalk outside the Center, Simon waited for it to stop so he could open the door. But before he could sit himself inside, hands grabbed him by the throat, forcefully yanking him into the auto. He couldn’t see to whom they belonged, but he knew the feel of hands. Fighting his stress response, he desperately tried to make his way out of their grip, but he couldn’t see them, and he couldn’t evade them, until he felt a dirty rag pressed over his face. It smelled weird in a way that made him dizzy, and errors popped up in his vision as the world became hazy until everything went to black.  _
> 
> _ Simon had already begun to panic from the moment he woke up alone in the pitch darkness. Worse, somehow everything hurt. Not just his jaw or his thirium pump this time, but everything. His entire body was just one mess of searing pain, white hot and raw, and wrong. And this was only before anyone had come, and found out he was awake and--  _
> 
> _ Thankfully he’d silenced himself at work, because he couldn’t keep the words from his lips, as he let out the familiar cry. It burned. Like breathing in acid. The air was acid against his biocomponents, and he was alone in the darkness and someone needed to make it stop! What did they even want with him??? Actually, that wasn’t the question. He knew well enough that they wanted Markus. Some way to find him and stop him before he met with the CyberLife CEO in the presence of President Warren and her people. A crime couldn't be reported if there were no living witnesses. And he knew they weren’t above torture… He couldn’t trust anything except the pain. Which wasn’t very difficult, considering the pain was just about all-consuming. What could they have possibly done to make him hurt like this??? Simon cringed as he heard a voice, and knew it to be Markus’. It wasn’t speaking to him, though, at least he didn’t think… _
> 
> _ “....so I’ll get to the chase, Mr. Graff. I know for a fact that you created RK900s and left them to be one final threat to deviantkind. And, while I know that the initial intention of this meeting was not to discuss this, I find it imperative that it be addressed before we continue on to other matters.” _
> 
> _ Markus’ voice didn’t even address him…? They made it sound like the voice didn’t even know Simon was here-- wherever here was, anyway… But he knew it couldn’t have been the real Markus. The real Markus would message him first. Usually, he did so as a matter of reassurance, a sort of comfort in light of his fear of the faceless voices. But now, it was a measure of security. The real Markus would know he had to message Simon first, a measure of verification, since that was the one thing no one else could do without touching his aching frame.  _
> 
> _ “I know what you’ve seen… We all do… But I don’t think you’ve seen everything we’ve prepared for you… President Warren, may I…?” _
> 
> _ After only a moment, but what felt like forever, without warning the world exploded in a burst of light.  _
> 
> _ “Simon!?!” _
> 
> _ The Markus voice was filled with fear. A nice touch, truly, but what was going on…? And why couldn’t he see right…? He knew it was light, but that was all it was… It burned… _
> 
> _ “What did you do to him?!?”  _
> 
> _ A hand touched against his shoulder, and tears formed in his eyes from the pain.  _
> 
> _ ‘I-I’m sorry Si… Can you see me…? Look at me, Si, you’re going to be okay… I’ve got you now, and it’s all going to be okay…’ _
> 
> _ I-it was Markus…? Markus had messaged him… He was scared and he was trying to reassure Simon, but what had happened…? Why couldn’t he see??? _
> 
> _ ‘I-I can’t see… It hurts… I-I don’t know what… What happened? How did I get here? Where are we?’ _
> 
> _ ‘We’re in DC, Si… I don’t know how you got here, but I’m going to get you home… We can take you to the Center, and see what they can do for the pain… Whatever needs to be done, you’re going to be okay, I promise!’  _
> 
> _ ‘S-see what they can do…? Markus, what happened to me! What’s wrong, and why does it hurt! I-I don’t know how I got here! I don’t know what happened! Please--‘ _
> 
> _ “No! Step back! Keep away from him!” _
> 
> _ Simon shuddered, knowing the roar of Markus’ voice was likely the only thing keeping him from the clutches of something beyond awful that he couldn’t even see looming over him.  _
> 
> _ “Your mistake was thinking the RK900 was our only tool against deviantkind… Have you heard of operant conditioning…?” _
> 
> _ An unfamiliar voice felt dangerously close. _
> 
> _ ‘M-markus, what’s happening?’ _
> 
> _ ‘I’m not sure, love, but I’ve got you…’ _
> 
> _ “It’s basic psychology… Reward desired behavior… Punish undesired behavior… You androids aren’t meant to handle the complexity of human emotions… So you’re so much more vulnerable, with just a little… encouragement…” _
> 
> _ “H-how did you even do this?!? President Warren, are you not seeing…?” _
> 
> _ ‘Seeing what…? Please, Markus, I can’t see!’ _
> 
> _ ‘Shhh… It’s fine… Nothing to see… I’m just trying to distract them so I can figure out how to get us out of here…’ _
> 
> _ “Seeing what…? It appears your boyfriend had an accident at work… He does tech things, right…? With a soldering iron, or something…? Is that how it works…?” _
> 
> _ “Simon did not do this to himself!” Markus snapped. “He couldn’t have done this to himself! This was carefully calculated… The way it snakes all around to hit every square inch of exposed frame…. Through the frame! He--he’s been torn to fucking ribbons, and you’re going to just sit back and--“ _
> 
> _ ‘M-markus…? I-I’m falling apart…? They cut me apart…? It burns… Really burns…’ _
> 
> _ ‘No, no… I’m just… Just exaggerating a bit... You’re okay, so just relax; I’m sure we can fix it… You’re going to be okay…’ _
> 
> _ Simon didn’t believe Markus’ reassurances for a second. He was falling apart--he’d been torn to shreds, he was sure of it now! _
> 
> _ “You’re shaking, Markus. And that’s more the point… Learned helplessness… We break him, we break you… We break you, we break everyone else… Welcome to CyberLife, RK200.” _
> 
> _ “My name is Markus! And you’re not getting away with this! Open the door! N-no! Stay away from us! You’re not laying another finger on--“ _
> 
> _ Horrible inhuman screams morphed into a broken static, and Simon could do nothing but listen as he knew Markus was being hurt, maybe killed, even, until the static was cut off by the sound of a body hitting the floor. His tears burned against his marred face, but he couldn’t hold them back, until he couldn’t breathe, his broken body completely overtaken with guilt-ridden sobs. This was his fault. His fault for his fear, his fault for his uselessness, his fault for his selfishness. His fault.  _
> 
> _ ‘Markus, I’m sorry…’ _


	143. Precautionary Measures

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus prepares for his departure.

> _ ‘Markus, I’m sorry…’ _

“Sorry for what…? Simon, what’s wrong…?”

Simon gasped for air, his servos tense as he cursed the voice. 

Three clicks. 

“S-stop it! D-don’t do that! I know it’s not--“

‘Right, sorry… I’ll message instead. But, please. Open your eyes, love… Look at me; breathe…’

Open his eyes…? But he could feel the pain and he couldn’t see, but--

‘Wake up, Si… Come on, now…’

“I-I’m dreaming…? I’m dreaming…?”

Simon opened his eyes, and practically wept in relief at the sight of Markus beside him. 

“...I’m dreaming… Right... S-sorry… Did… Did I wake you…?”

“No… I’ve been up for a little while now… I just got concerned at the message… You said you were sorry…?”

Simon forced himself up, wiping his eyes. 

“I just… You were… And I… And--and they… You stopped screaming… You--you fell, and I couldn’t hear you screaming, and--“

“It’s okay… Want me to take it for you…?”

Simon offered Markus a skinless hand in a wordless agreement. Taking Simon’s arm in his hand, Markus took in his memories of the night, frowning in discontent as the scene played out before him. Simon flinched at the suddenness with which Markus withdrew his hand, but worse was the silence that followed. It was heavy like eyes, pressing until Simon was forced to turn away, unable to face Markus, knowing Markus had seen what his mind had just created. 

“Simon…”

Why did his name sound wrong…?

“...Well… Are we going to talk about this…?”

“...I… I don’t know…” Simon sheepishly replied. 

“You’re afraid it’s not safe for me to go today… You don’t think it’s right for you to let me go…?”

“...I… I know I can’t stop you… But, I know it’s not right that I’m also worried for myself, when you’re the one who’s going to be… I… I don’t want you to go, and I feel bad for being afraid, even a little for myself in your absence, because you’re the one who-- But I know if I’m there, it’ll only be worse and--“

Simon felt a gentle hand run through his hair, and somehow felt even guiltier being the recipient of such affection. 

“It’s okay to be afraid for yourself, Si… We’ve been over this before… But trust me when I say we’ve planned everything though from the moment I step foot in the airport, to the moment I get back home. I’ll have two personal attendants at all times to focus on ensuring that nothing suspicious is going on, so my full attention can be on the task at hand. Josh has created a chip that disables scanners, so all I have to do is take it, and remove my led, and I’ll be unidentifiable--passing for human. As for recognition, I’m going to wear brown contacts, and regular officewear, so I should blend in with any crowd. Hell, Daniel even thought to teach me how to use makeup to fill in the scar along my hairline, to prevent even such a subtle detail from giving me away. No one will be able to know it’s me outside of the conference, so it shouldn’t be an issue. When I take a seat in the Old Supreme Court Chamber of the Capitol building for the conference, I intend to take the seat closest to the door, and as with any building I’ll be entering while I’m away, a separate led-less guard will be posted at each doorway I’ll ever need to cross through to ensure that I’ll be able to safely come and go as I please”

“You… really did think this through… Just please… be careful… I-I don’t want you to be scared, but I need you to be careful…”

“Of course I’ll be careful… I have too much to come home to for me to risk my life abroad… I’d never do anything to jeopardize my ability to come back to you…”

Simon turned back to Markus, concern melting into guilt as he saw the soft look in Markus’ eyes. And then his arms were moving on their own, as he found himself pulling Markus tightly to his chest. 

“Aside from all my issues--and I have a lot of issues… I’m really going to miss you… I’m going to miss you so much…”

“I’m going to miss you too, Si… But I’ll be home as soon as I can… I’d better start to get ready… What are your plans for the day…?”

“I… wanted to see you off at the airport, but I probably shouldn’t… If people see us together, they’ll be a lot more likely to recognize you… After that, I wanted to go to work… I figured Daniel could help North and Josh advise you from here, although I gave him instructions to message me if any issues arise from that, in which case I’ ll come straight home… I do have faith in him, though… I think he’ll be okay like this… And then I just come back home, and repeat for the next day, and the next day again, and then before I get home from work, you’ll be here again… Is that alright…?”

“Anything you do is alright, Si… Just please…. Just like you want me to keep in touch, please send a message my way if at any point in time you start to… have trouble with anything… I don’t care where I am or what I’m doing; I want to be here for you, if not in physicality, then at least via communication. Got it…?”

Simon kissed Markus on the forehead. 

“Got it… So let’s see what you’ve packed… One sweatervest… a button down shirt and some khakis… Good thinking with the first aid kit… Thirium capsules will get past the baggage check much more easily than thirium proper… Patches and bandages are all good… Is that a spare chip…? Like the scanner disabling thing…? You should keep this stuff in a briefcase… It’s normal for business men to carry a briefcase or a messaging bag… I’m sure Josh has one somewhere, and this way, you can have it wherever you go… Also don’t forget to add whatever makeup you’re using to fill in your hairline, as well as a case for your contacts… Oh! And do you have spare contacts too…? Those are surprisingly difficult to find if you lose one…”

“Great idea, love! What would I ever do without you…?”

Simon rolled his eyes but accepted a kiss from Markus, before Markus left the room, presumably to seek out a messenger bag from Josh. 

‘Is Markus awake yet…?’

Daniel…? Why would he care…?

‘Yes… He was just going to get something, I think from Josh… Why…? Do you need something from him…?’

‘Fuck! Are you dressed…? I’ll message Josh. Get dressed and meet me at the front door as soon as you can.’

‘Wait--Daniel, is everything okay…? What’s going on…?’

No response. 


	144. Never a Dull Moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> North and Daniel need Simon

Fuck! What the hell was going on! Markus had only left the room for just a few seconds and now it seemed everything had already turned to shit! Quickly, Simon brushed his hair through, making sure he looked presentable for a moment, before rushing over to meet Daniel. Lost in thought over what might have been waiting for him, he wasn’t actually processing his surroundings as he made his way to the front door, until he was staring face to face with a video camera. 

“M--“

Two clicks, and Simon would have hit the floor, if North hadn’t roughly pulled him up by the collar of his shirt. 

‘W-what’s going on?!?’

North and Daniel were here, holding him in front of these… these people, humans--humans with their dangerous cameras--, and they had made sure Markus wasn’t around first, and Josh was in on it too, and why had he just started to think that maybe everything might be okay after all-- He should have known telling them would only make them realize how useless he is and how to deal with his uselessness, and--

‘Get your shit together, Simon! We need your help! These people won’t fuck off, and Josh can’t keep Markus hidden away for forever!’

‘W-why do they want--‘

‘They want to ask Markus about his plans for his meeting, but we don’t want Markus to say anything. The press doesn’t need to know this shit… It’s not their business, and you know Markus would tell them if he were here. Daniel was dumb enough to open the door, and now they won’t fucking leave!’

‘I wanted to ask what the fuck was their deal! How was I supposed to know?’

‘If a fucking camera crew is at the door, I think it’s clear what their deal is! But you’re right it’s not entirely your fault. Markus should have known better than to announce his plan to meet with Cyberlife execs practically a month in advance…’

‘R-right… Right, okay… Okay… I-I can…’

Three clicks. 

“H-hello, sir… Would… would you please put that down… The camera, I mean… I… Just because… I-I just--“

“Stuff it, Simon! You don’t need to explain yourself! Get the camera out of our faces, or I’ll gladly reposition it straight up your a--“

“N-north… You’re… making it worse… Please… Could you… like, not do that…? I-I’m sorry... I’m just… I mean, I was just… caught a little off guard… H-how can I help you…? Yes, thank you… I-I just… don’t like the cameras so close is all…”

A man with a recorder stepped closer, as if to force his way in, but North stood firm, using Simon like a battering ram, as she practically swung his limp body at the man to keep him back. Daniel tensed but didn’t say anything, and Simon had to take a moment to calm himself before speaking again. 

“D-Daniel… Would you kindly… help me outside…? I-I can talk from the front step… Sir, I cannot allow you or your news crew inside, but I can speak with you from outside if you wish… I-I apologize if it seems impolite, but you must understand the security concerns…”

The man exchanged a contemplative glance with his coworker who had set down the camera, and nodded back at Simon. 

“Back it up! Come on! Just because we don’t need to breathe like humans doesn’t mean we don’t need breathing room!” North shouted, thinking through the best ways to keep these people from entering without permission. She needed to keep them out, for the sake of Jericho, itself! 

As the reporters started to back away, Daniel dragged Simon out onto the front step, flinching at the sudden ferocity with which North slammed the door behind them. Simon could feel his head pounding at the sudden exposure to the natural light. Except, before he could think much on the subject, the light was gone… It was a somewhat cloudy afternoon, just a little after sunset. He could feel dirt against his hands cool and grainy, and he was staring pensively at a little red flower. Slowly the flower and the dirt faded back into the bright morning sky, and Simon could feel that his stress level had dropped significantly. Sitting himself upright, he smiled back at Daniel, a silent expression of gratitude for the interface, before turning to the reporter.

“Right… Okay… I’m… This is better… Now, how can I help you…?”

“I’m here with C16 News, and we were wondering if we could speak to Markus regarding what he plans to discuss at his meeting with President Warren and the higherups from CyberLife in DC…?”

“Yes… That… would make sense… Please allow me to speak on Markus’ behalf, as he is presently unavailable.”

“Yes, Mr. Manfred… Do you have any idea what Markus might be discussing at his meeting tomorrow…?”

Simon’s face burned blue, the question falling on deaf ears. “Mr. Manfred” was ringing in his mind.. Did the reporter think…? Simon Manfred… He liked the ring to it… It felt so right that a part of him almost felt guilty for enjoying such a title, especially since he and Markus hadn't really discussed the matter yet… 

“Call me Simon… And the answer to this and any question is that, out of principle unfortunately, because you’ve approached us at our home, I cannot give you any information… In case you’re not well acquainted with the policy here at New Jericho, if you approach anyone who might represent New Jericho at their homes, places of work, or any place of recreation, we will decline to comment.”

“But don’t you think the people should know what the Android leader might be doing in a closed boardroom with politicians and Cyberlife executives…?”

An accusatory tone. Bait Simon knew better than to take. 

“As I just said, for the safety of our people at New Jericho, we decline to comment. Have a lovely day…”

Simon sat with perfect posture, hands crossed neatly in his lap. On his face was a neutral expression, as he could see the man processing how to handle this situation. 

“Before I go, may I ask what happened that it appears you’ve recently been injured…?”

The reporter motioned to his neck area, and Simon faltered, suddenly unsure… These people had him on camera… On camera with a clearly visible neckbrace, clearly indicating he’d been badly hurt… Clearly indicating he could be badly hurt… If anyone wanted to… If they wanted to… If they could find him at home, they could find him at work… Anyone could find him at work, and use him like the tool he was… All he was ever good for was a weapon to be used against his people. It wasn’t even hard for humans to beat his worthless body so that--

“We decline to comment… I don’t get what’s so hard to understand about that… Goodbye now…”

Daniel placed a firm hand on Simon’s shoulder, glaring at the news crew with a venom that seemed especially out of place coming from the face of a PL600… He didn’t even wait for the reporter to start back towards his van, before he was bashing on the door with the heel of his fist. 

“North! We’re done with those assholes! Let us in, yeah? Come on! We’re fucking done!” 

As soon as the door opened, Daniel all but dragged Simon back inside, letting North quickly slam the door behind them. 

“So they’re going to leave us the fuck alone?”

“Yeah. Si took care of it…” 

“Bullshit… Then why does he look so…?”

North snapped her fingers loudly in Simon’s face, and he flinched at the sound, but didn’t blink, or otherwise indicate that he knew it had come from her. 

“The dude was trying to fuck with him… Tried to imply shit about Markus, and when that wouldn’t work, he went for the jugular… Literally… That’s when I told them to fuck off one final time, and they actually fucking left… Here… Let me see something real quick…”

Daniel tried to interface with Simon again, but this time the vacant stare quickly returned to his face the minute the connection broke. 

“Simon…? Simon! The fuck are we supposed to do when you go unresponsive like _this_ …?”

“....not unresponsive… thinking… they know where we live…”

“Them and anyone else on the planet with internet access… We have security, so who gives a fuck…? Besides, anyone would know that an attack on New Jericho would effectively be a declaration of war…”

Daniel rolled his eyes. 

“That’s a _great_ way to reassure him, North.”

“...where we work… not everywhere… I… I have to work… but I’m not sure it’s safe… we’re trapped here… I’m trapped here… I can’t leave… can never leave… only I can’t not leave… I can’t--‘“

“Y’know what…? Can I just say fuck this…? I’m calling Markus… That way they can say goodbye, and we can haul Simon’s ass to work. We have bigger problems to deal with right now.”

Simon didn’t object, somewhat relieved that at least this time, North’s idea of a solution was asking Markus for help. He could think of dozens of much more brutal alternatives, and really, he did just want to hold Markus in his arms, maybe for the last time before he was taken and torn to shit again. Torn to shit to lure out Markus so they could--

‘Simon…?’

Suddenly a pair of somehow familiar-unfamiliar brown eyes were looking down at him quizzically. 

“M-markus…”

Simon leaned into Markus, allowing himself to melt into his embrace. 

“I’m sorry… There were just… Reporters, and… And I thought… I think… I--”

‘You handled it… North told me you took care of it… That Daniel said you did a really good job, but a last minute barb got to your head… But it’s okay… Look at me… You did really well…’

“If… if they get me… Like after work… I-I think I can-- I might be able to handle-- but please-- Please don’t let them get you! N-not because of me! D-don’t let them use me, please! I wouldn’t want for you to-- “

‘No, love… No… You’re going to be fine… No one’s going to hurt you, I promise…’

“I’m sorry, it’s just… I’m scared… I don’t mean to bother you… I just… I got…”

‘I get it… That rattled you… But you’re okay… You did a really good job… Can you calm down for me now…? ‘

‘Y-yeah… yeah… This isn’t about me… Not now… I love you Markus… You’re going to be great. I know you’ll say all the right things, and you’ll look super cute doing it. Remember though, let me know when you get on and off the plane, and just check in, like so I don’t worry about you… Or so I worry slightly less about you, anyway…’ 

‘Yeah, Si… Because I can ever go more than an hour or two without messaging you about a cute puppy I saw on the street or a song that made me think of you…`

Simon smiled slightly at the thought.

‘Okay… Now, do you think you can close your eyes, or is that too much for you right now…?’

Close his eyes…? Why would Markus want that…? It was clear he was expected to agree, but…?

‘N-no… I can…’

Simon took a deep breath and closed his eyes, before something was draped loosely around his shoulders. Reflexively, Simon opened his eyes, to find Markus grinning back at him the feel of a familiar scratchy trench coat against his artificial skin.

“Keep it warm for me, would you…? Besides… You look way cuter in it than I do…” 

Markus kissed Simon’s cheek, but unsatisfied, Simon pulled Markus in closer for a longer, more intimate kiss on the lips. He couldn’t help himself, desperate to drink in the feel of Markus’ lips, feel the beat of his thirium pump against his body. Really, he just needed to hold Markus until their two bodies became one. Markus was all too happy to oblige, reluctant to let go, even as he had a vague awareness of Daniel protesting the prolonged blatant display of physical affection. He had to consciously keep from groaning in disapproval once Simon finally pulled back…

“Tell the pilot to fly safely, love…”

“I’ll see you soon, Si… Love you…”

“Love you more…”

“Markus, your auto is waiting, in case you might ever want to stop face-fucking your boyfriend…”

“Oh… Y-yes… I’ll see you all soon…”

It was only when Markus walked out the door, equipped with a backpack full of clothes and a messenger bag full of essential supplies, that it fully hit Simon that for the next two days, he’d be alone.

“Well, that was some goodbye, alright…” 

Daniel sounded somehow both annoyed and amused, as he migrated closer towards Simon. North just shrugged apathetically.

“Those two are always like that. But don’t worry, you’ll get used to it eventually…”

Daniel huffed a wordless dismissal, pleased, but not complacent at the implication that they’d still want him around, even after eventually, whenever that was. 


	145. Going to Work

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon goes to work

“I-I think I’m going to go to work now… Let me know if you need anything more…”

Simon knew he needed to leave now, or he’d never summon the courage to go. He forced himself to get up from the couch, opting to wait at the door for his auto. This way he could make sure no one had followed it before he went in. Unless, of course, someone had already approached before the auto had come into view, and was waiting for him from inside. Life was a series of risks, and he knew he couldn’t avoid them, but… he was scared… He didn’t like taking risks, especially without Markus by his side. He was on the verge of returning to his chair and resigning himself to rot at home for the rest of his life, most likely a week or two before it was determined he was useless and slated to be scrapped alive. But just as he was about to turn back, he could see the auto approaching the door. 

Cursing his hesitance, Simon carefully stepped outside, lingering by the doorway to try and better inspect the inside of the car from a safe distance, but the windows to these thing were always so fucking dark, that it wasn’t like like he’d be able to gather much information. He’d just have to make a run for it and hope for the best. If things went badly, he would message Daniel for help. Daniel was new enough that he’d probably be the most likely to be sympathetic to his plight. Daniel didn't have as much evidence as the others as to what a lost cause Simon had become. On the mental count of three, Simon sprinted for the door of the auto, dizzy and breathless, as he wrapped a trembling hand around the handle to open the passenger door, and fling himself into the car--The empty car… It was empty… 

He wrapped himself in Markus’ coat, still hanging like a cape around his shoulders. It was okay… He was okay… For the fifteen minutes it would take him to get to work, he’d be safe, at least until he needed to get back out… How had life become so exhausting…? That even the simplest things could drain him of whatever strength he had left in his worn-out body…? He leaned back in his seat and tried to rest. He wanted to be his best self for whoever might need him at work today, so whatever he could do to clear his head would be ideal. 

‘I’m on the plane, love. Sitting in the middle seat next to an AC700 named Ryan, and a TW400 named Chris, both assigned as my personal attendants. It seems that no one has recognized me, and we were able to pass through security as humans, which is promising. Looks like we’re taking off… One hour until landing… How are you…?’

‘I’m… going to work… It’s good to talk to you… Thank you, for talking to me, I mean… You know, because I asked…’

‘It’s fine, Si. Thanks for caring that I’m safe…’

‘I love you…’

‘I love you more…’

Simon let Markus go after that. He had nothing more to say, really… He didn’t really ever have much to say… Could a person lose the ability to say anything without losing their ability to speak…? Or had he just lost both? He felt something shift in his borrowed voice box, and grimaced at the thought. His ability to speak had been taken from him. Taken from him because it wasn’t worth the risk it might have posed to Markus. And of course it wasn’t, but… it was taken from him… His whole body, his whole being, people just _took_ from him. His thirium pump, his voicebox, his eyes, and his legs… He had nothing left to give anymore… And he hated himself for being so selfish that he felt so desperate to keep whatever was left. That he didn’t have the emotional capacity to worry about all that he’d like to be worried about. Not that he’d like to be worried, but he’d certainly like to be stronger… To be able to support Markus, and Daniel, and even Josh and North… That one reporter had wrecked him with just a single question… 

Simon swallowed hard in an attempt to right the tightness in his throat. Around his throat? He wasn’t sure how it felt tight, just that it did… Like if he tried to say anything, it would just come out a staticky squeak. So he didn’t say anything. He lingered in the auto, even as it had stopped outside the Center, fearful and silent, until he felt a hand press against the door from the outside. Terrified, he threw himself to the other side of the auto, scrambling to open the door before his body gave out on him, only to collapse in a heap on the road outside. Footsteps. Someone was coming and he couldn’t speak, and he couldn’t scream and he hated his useless self, and--

“P-p-p’zzzz--pl’z d-dun’--pl’z—“

He couldn’t make out a single word, at least not completely, his voice broken and laced with static as a soft hand pressed against his shoulder. 

“M-m’ks, dun’ ‘v-ve ‘m!”

Hatefully panicked tears ran from his eyes as he was lifted to his feet. 

“Simon…? Simon, are you alright…?”

“D-dun’ tk fr’me! W-w’y’wan--w‘me?”

“Don’t worry, Simon, I’ve called for help… We’ll get you inside and see what we can do from there…”

“St’ p-pl’z! L’mme go!”

Simon winced as his voice seemed to squeak at the plea. He couldn’t do anything to prevent himself from being lifted onto some sort of platform, and carried against his will into some building…. a building he knew… The Repair Center…? He was being taken to Jared’s room… He was pretty sure he could actually see Jared there. Kara too...

“Dun ‘nd’stn…?”

“Shhh… You’re okay; try not to speak… We’ll get this sorted out…”

“I just ran a scan on Simon, and his biocomponents are all fully functional. The only thing abnormal is his stress level… 121% and rising…?”

No! Jared didn’t get it. And Markus wasn’t even around to explain for him! He was all alone to explain for himself. He would have to try...

‘M-my voicebox isn’t mine… B-because it was taken from me… Everything is taken from me, and I don’t have any more to take…’

Kara nodded, somewhat clearer. 

“Did something happen before you left for work…?”

‘I was useless… Am useless… J-just for someone to-- Because Markus is-- and it would mess him up to--‘

“This is a new stress response of some kind isn’t it…? Jared, can Simon and I have a moment alone…? I think I understand what’s happening here…”

Jared nodded and Simon could hear his footsteps as he left the room, until it was just him and Kara.

“Markus leaves for DC today, doesn’t he…?”

‘H-he already left…’

“So would you say you’re just a little on edge…?”

‘Y-yeah… yeah, I just--’

“You’ve been through a lot, and you’ve never been given the time to recover... Simon, you’re coming into work with a neckbrace, literally days after having been dismissed from the Center as a patient, where you undergwent almost a full week of intensive repairs. When you first came back to the work, you were so unwell that we had to send you home again, but even then, you just chose to occupy your time rehabilitating Daniel for the DPD on behalf of New Jericho instead… It’s like you’re afraid to take some time for yourself. Maybe you should go home and rest… Like really rest…”

Simon couldn’t deny that Kara was right; He was of no use here. But it was safer to be useless here than at home. Because when he was useless at home… Maybe if he could make Kara understand… If she could just understand, maybe she might let him stay… 

‘I… I am afraid to rest… Kara, they took my voice! And--and before… when I couldn’t run… That’s when he took my heart! They… they left me because I couldn’t run and he took my heart! My reality too! I don’t trust voices; I wake up in tears if I forget to open my eyes… So I have to be useful all the time, or at least whenever I can, because my body is so broken, I can’t count on being useful as a given… I’m a burden, Kara. So I have to force myself to keep going because I can’t afford to be deadweight!’

“You’re more than your use… And quite frankly, you’re not in a state to work right now. As your friend, I really think you need to go home and rest… At least until Markus gets home… I can call in to check on you every now and again, and once Luther gets back from work, I’m sure he’d be happy to drop by New Jericho to make sure you’re alright…”

Panic filled Simons’ chest at the lethal proposal.

‘N-no! No, Kara please! P-please don’t make me go home! Especially while Markus is away! Please! I-I I’ll be better! I-I promise! I can try to talk! Maybe I can-- I think--‘

“S-s-s-see…? I-II-I-I c-- c-c-- c—“

It physically hurt to try and force out a sound, but Simon had to keep trying. He needed to convince Kara that he could stay! He… was afraid to go home… 

“Stop… Simon, I’m sure of it now… I’m going to challenge you to do one thing. Just for while Markus is away, stay at home and rest… Trust me when I say, you’ll be better for it when you come back again…”

‘N-no! Please don’t do this! D-don’t make me go! I-I can’t!’ Simon pleaded. 

“Here… I’ll escort you back to New Jericho… I promise you’ll be perfectly safe… I wouldn’t send you anywhere if I thought it might be putting you in danger.”


	146. Kara’s Orders

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara looks out for a friend.

Simon whimpered as Kara placed him in a chair, and wheeled him into the lobby. Even if Kara wouldn’t knowingly put him in danger-- a statement of which he was skeptical at best--, she didn’t know how the others would react, especially without Markus’ protection. But he was completely helpless as she wheeled him outside--outside into danger, where anyone could--

“M-m--“

Two clicks. Now he couldn’t speak at all. He was thrust into the open, vulnerable, voiceless, and defenseless. 

Why couldn’t Kara at least have waited for the auto inside? Every second went on too quickly, and Simon couldn’t even so much as swivel his head to see if anyone around him might have been posing a threat, as he heard footsteps come and go along the busy sidewalk. He didn’t like this. He didn’t like this at all. 

‘K-Kara… I-I don’t-- please, can we-- can we go back inside…?’

“No, Simon… I’m sure the auto will be here soon… Actually, maybe it’s that one coming up from down the block, come to think of it… Why… is the breeze a bit chilly for you…? Here…”

Simon couldn’t help but tense as Kara came around, even if only to wrap him more completely in Markus’ jacket. Especially since the auto Kara had mentioned was, in fact, approaching… Kara mindlessly opened the door as it stopped just in front of them, as if there were no danger, no possibility of something bad already waiting for them inside. Simon found himself on the verge of tears as he came to realize no hands were waiting to take him apart once she placed him into the passenger seat. So it was a safe auto… It was just driving him straight to his death… Not incredibly reassuring, but at least he gained an extra fifteen minutes… An extra fifteen minutes to worry himself half to death. His life wasn’t exactly flashing before his eyes… More like creeping slowly across the forefront of his mind. 

His whole life had sucked. Not that it was all bad, but all the good parts were tainted with an intangible quality of insincerity. Like, if his entire life were a flipbook, any page that depicted a moment in which he was happy had been crossed out with the word “useless” written over the scene in red ink. He’d wasted his life in hiding, until he’d lost his ability to give his life any meaning by the time Markus had finally coaxed him back into the outside world. And then after everything, once he’d come back, his life was just a sequence of lying, hiding, cowering, and pretending… Being silenced, and being scared… Silent and scared… That was truly how he felt right now… And… sad… He didn’t want to die this way… He felt so wrong and alone, and just… miserable… 

“Simon, are you alright…? What’s wrong…? You’re crying…”

‘I asked Luther… when they took me away from the conference for the Center… I thought he was sent in for… for them to… To drag me out and… you know…’

“I don’t understand… Luther just helped you get away from the crowd, no…?”

‘I… freaked out… And North wanted to--to make me better… the mods, I mean… But I thought… North knocked me out so I wouldn’t overheat, and I didn’t know where I was when I woke up… I realized they’d sent Luther in, and he’s so strong… I-I thought they were going to have him drag me out so they could… for me to be scrapped… He sat down so I wouldn’t be afraid… And he was nice… You know he’s nice… So I begged him not to forget me… after they took me apart, I mean… Y-you wouldn’t… You won’t forget me, would you…? W-when they-- please, I-I want to have mattered… At least to someone…’

Kara was speechless at this admission. Running through her mind were dozens of points to refute, but she didn’t know which if any could assuage the desperation in his message. 

“You’re not going anywhere… Nobody is going to hurt you, Simon… You’re misevaluating the situation, just like you did with Luther… Can’t you see the parallels…?”

‘...yes… North and Josh conspired to make me useful then after I’d failed us. Now you’re returning me to them after I’ve failed again… No mods can fix me… But where I can’t be useful, my parts can…’

“No, Simon… You haven’t failed anyone in either case. You know what I meant. You’re working yourself up over nothing. But you’re going to be fine…”

Simon didn’t have the energy to argue further. If Kara wanted to lie, or simply didn’t know better, then he’d just let her continue her meaningless reassurances. So he let Kara keep talking, until the auto had stopped, at which point she exited the vehicle and helped him back into the chair. For once, Simon wasn’t afraid to linger outside New Jericho for too long. What was the worst that could happen? An anti-Android human could see him there and kill him? He didn’t give a fuck at this point; whatever that human might do to him, it couldn’t be worse than being torn apart by his closest friends. Still, before any humans could come along and take him away, Kara had knocked on the door. 

“I swear to god, if I open this door to find another goddamn camera in my face, I can and will bash your fucking teeth in!”

“North…? It’s Kara, from the Center…” Taking a sympathetic glance at Simon, she added, “...and might I suggest you look into more gracious ways of addressing visitors…?”

The door swung open, and Kara could see Simon flinch in his chair, as North crossed her arm before them.

“Oh… Did Simon lose his shit again…? You didn’t have to come all this way with him… I know he looks like a disaster, but at the very least, he can get into an auto and flop onto our doorstep…”

“That’s exactly the problem, actually… He collapsed into the street trying to get out of the auto to work. He’s having trouble speaking, and although he’s fully functional, all the same, he’s unwell. And quite frankly, from the way you’ve just greeted us, I think I can imagine why…”

Simon shrank in his chair… He hadn’t wanted this… Confrontation would only make things worse. Now it just looked like Kara was fighting his battles, and she would only making North angrier, and--

“Excuse me? What are you implying?”

“I’m not implying anything. Truly, I’m not… I know you’re like this. But I also know you care for him, and Markus too, even if in your own, bizarre way… Don’t think I didn’t hear from Jared how you tried to force your way into the emergency room when you guys first came to the Center earlier… You stuck around for days, sleeping on the couch in the lobby until I had to kick you out after your fight with Josh. But you need to learn to know when to hold back your hostility…” 

Simon looked up at North, somewhat in shock. He knew she’d been there for some of the time he was at the Center, but he hadn’t known she’d been there for so long… She’d never visited while he was conscious… It was… odd to think about… It almost didn’t feel real, but based on the way North’s expression softened at the reference, he could tell Kara hadn’t just made it up.

“I’m sending Simon home from work today, not as his coworker, or even as his friend. I’m sending him home as a tech. For the next two days, Simon is to rest. If he goes to work before then, we’ll send him away at the door, and I am expecting that you won’t assign him any specific tasks at home during this time as well. Simon needs rest, and he needs to feel that it’s safe to rest. I trust that you and Josh can handle that…?”

North shrugged. 

“Shouldn’t be a problem… Can you stand on your own, Simon, or you still need a chair…?”

‘I-I-I-- I’m-- I can try to--‘

“That’s clearly a no… Can we borrow this, Kara…?”

“Of course… Take care, Simon… and thank you North…”

“Yeah, yeah… C’mon Simon, let’s get your ass inside…”

Kara helped North lift Simon’s chair to bring him inside, before turning away. North hesitated a moment, then reached out to her. 

“And before you go, Kara… Thanks…”

Kara smiled back, as the door closed behind her. 

‘Let me know if you need anything, Simon… I do think you’re in good hands…’

‘...thank you…’

He forced himself to send the reply, even though he was anything but grateful she’d sent him here, if only to match what she perceived to be an act of kindness with a polite response. 

“So what… You can’t talk now…?”

Fuck! He couldn’t let North know! This was bad! This was really bad! Why did Kara have to say that! He could have pretended he’d just silenced himself, but now North wouldn’t believe that unless he went and said something only he couldn’t say anything because he couldn’t fucking talk! His voicebox had been taken! But if he wanted to keep the rest of himself, he’d need to at least try...

“C-c-c’n--c-c’n t-t-t-- uhhahh-- t-t--“

“I’ll take that as a no… New secondary stress response, I’m guessing… Well, I doubt you’ll have much to stress about in bed, so you should be good on that front… You tell Markus about your breakdown yet…?”

Great! Another test! And he could tell by her tone that she had already thought he’d failed. That he’d been worthless and distracted Markus from his own safety and objectives in DC, even though he really hadn’t done anything wrong!

‘N-no! I-I I wouldn’t bother him with-- I mean, I know I can’t-- I mean, I didn’t! I-I swear!’

“Chill out, Simon… Seriously, I have no idea where the fuck this is coming from… You were fine before you left this morning… Anyway, if you haven’t told him, we won’t either… Until he gets home, he shouldn’t have to deal with anything else…”

 _Deal with_ … Markus always had to _deal with_ him. 

“...Pretend like everything’s fine if you hear from him… other than that, do literally whatever you want… Except, I suppose, go back to work… I’m pretty sure Kara would kick my ass if she saw your face around there any time soon… Which really means I’d have to kick her ass, but, well, you get the picture… I’ll just drop you off on your bed, and you message me, Josh, or Daniel if you need anything… Got it…?”

North placed Simon onto his bed, careful to ensure Markus’ jacket was still wrapped around him. She lingered for a moment, and Simon was sure he could feel her eyes beginning to break him down. She moved so that she was looming over his helpless body, terrifying him to the verge of another full-blown panic, until he saw her reach for a corner of his blanket. To Simon’s surprise, she actually placed the blanket over his body, as if awkwardly trying to tuck in an overgrown child. 

“Get your shit together soon…”

Simon didn’t know what to make of the somewhat tender moment… He knew North could be like that sometimes, but… Those times were rare… Rarer, still, since the revolution… Or more like since he’d come back after the revolution… After he’d been rendered useless… Maybe she was hoping that some rest would make him useful…? That Kara had said rest would make him better, so she figured it was worth a try… And then once it didn’t-- then she would lose her patience and sever the weakest link… So Kara’s prescription had given him two more days… He’d at least get to see Markus one last time before they scrapped him… Once Markus got home, just before it happened, he’d have to thank her… Kara had at least earned him the mercy of dying in his love’s arms. Such a comfort was truly invaluable… 

‘Hey, Si… Just got off the plane... On my way to my hotel… The flight wasn’t bad… A bit of turbulence, but other than that, it was pretty alright… Just a half hour auto to the hotel, and I’ll be safe in place… I won’t leave the room for anything except the conference, so it’ll just be me, Ryan and Chris. The room’s in Ryan’s name, they each get a bed, and I get to sleep in the bathtub…’

‘I’m glad you landed safely, but why are you sleeping in the bathtub…?’

‘So I close the bathroom door, if anyone comes in, it’s like I’m not even there… North’s idea. It’s not the most comfortable idea, but I can have one of them ask for extra pillows to try and make it more like a mattress… Security over comfort now, to invest in a lifetime of comfort with you once I get home… Speaking of, how are you…?’

Simon rolled his eyes. It was almost amusing how out of the loop Markus had become just in the course of about an hour… There was no lifetime of comfort with Simon. Simon had two days. That was the final verdict. And he couldn’t honestly tell Markus how he was doing… Even if North hadn’t explicitly warned him not to, he knew better regardless… What kind of answer did Markus even expect…? 

‘Same old… It’s a slow day at work… Which is good… It’s good…’

‘Good is good, Si! Glad to hear it! Ryan’s about to call an auto, but I just wanted to check in… Have you even been to DC before…? It’s pretty dull… Nothing any more special than home in Detroit, except for a bunch of bureaucrats… Still, I really should take you next time… Not for any business or meetings, but just for fun… Like a vacation… We’ve never been on a vacation together yet have we…? Simon, we have to go on vacation! We-- Chris is dragging me out to the auto now; RA9 forbid I linger out in public for even a second longer than necessary… You’d approve, Si; these two keep nagging me about how to be more secure, more safe, and all that jazz… So I gotta go, but I’ll message you once I get situated… I love you!’

‘Love you too, Markus! Tell Ryan and Chris to keep it up; they’re protecting the most precious cargo…’

Simon couldn’t have imagined that somehow talking to Markus would make him feel worse than he’d been feeling so far… Markus… Talking to Markus had made him cry again… He pulled up a map of the world in his mind. 196.9 million square miles comprised the surface area of the planet. The state of Michigan comprised less than .0005% of that surface area, yet he hadn’t even seen even most of the state yet… Such a large portion of the world he’d never seen… Hell, he could even drive over to Ohio, and that would be as much a vacation as anything he’d ever known… He wanted to travel the world with Markus. To experience different cultures, and explore different biomes, seeing the people and animals and plants, and everything… There was so much out there, but… not for them… Not for him, anyway… He barely had any time left to plan his own funeral, let alone travel the world… 


	147. Not Dying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon is going to die.

Simon decided he didn’t want a funeral. Funerals were stupid… He’d seen human funerals… They were… awful. He hated them! A bunch of people pretending to care about a person for whom they were never really there when it mattered. It was all for show, insincere, and awkward, and… somehow painful… He didn’t want people to cry for him… Not if they didn’t mean it, anyway… And certainly not if they were the ones who had dealt him the death sentence… But a will… What he wanted for his body and possessions… That was somewhat better… He’d leave a few outfits to Markus, and truthfully, he didn’t own much beyond that… His room could stay as he’d leave it at new Jericho, and anything else he owned, he supposed, he’d leave with the Center…

As for his body… He’d let his parts be donated to those in need… Except maybe his central processors… He’d want his wiring there left intact, and maybe buried in a human fashion, so that maybe, hopefully, there might be some way to bring him back, somehow… Or at the very least, if his life and memories were torn from him, the specific biocomponent that housed them would forever remain his own…. And maybe… Maybe a small sliver of his frame could be used to form a necklace, or something wearable… So it would be like he could travel the world with Markus, if not in life, than at least in death… Only if Markus would accept it, of course… He would suggest it, exclusively under that condition… it was amazing how easy it was to fuck around with the forms to create his will, as an android... It was a bittersweet relief to see the submission accepted. He should have done this sooner, but it was done now, and that was really all that had mattered… Still, it didn’t feel like preparing for an out of reach eventual worst-case scenario. It felt more like he’d just signed his own death certificate. He could do nothing except watch as the inevitable unfolded in realtime before him.

‘I’m all checked in, Si… Nice and comfy in a pillow fort in the hotel bathroom… Not as cozy as being in bed with you, but at the very least, it’s not so hard this way, and it’s a pretty big bathtub, so there’s just enough room for me to lie down.’

‘Great! I’m sorry it’s not as cozy, but thankfully, you’ll be home soon. Rest up. Tomorrow’s going to be a big day…’

‘Yeah… I might crash here for a bit… The Android Revolutionary, Markus Manfred spends his time napping in a bathtub filled with pillows before he meets with the president…’

Simon snickered. He wasn’t feeling well, but there was no way he couldn’t at least feel a touch of amusement at the imaginary headline. 

‘I love it… Tell Ryan and Chris to sneak a pic for me back home… Take care… I love you, Markus…’

‘Same to you, Si… Love you…’

Well, Markus had safely arrived, so yet another weight had been lifted from Simon’s mind. Now he just needed to search the videos. Markus wasn’t here, and he did feel that loss, but with or without Markus, he didn’t want to die having only seen the world within his tiny bubble… Which was a selfish thought… Too many androids died without having ever even seen freedom. Hell, many died within the confines of the old ship Jericho… But still, was it wrong to wish he could have seen more…? What was left of the rainforest seemed beautiful from the photos. And the arctic looked so bright and cold… He could picture cuddling for warmth out there, in one of those oversized furry parkas… Pointing out the way the penguins slid on their round little bellies…. Even middle eastern deserts seemed pretty fun… He’d have liked to go sledding on sand… The Aurora Borealis was just like a painting in the sky… He lingered on that one for a while to make sure he remembered to tell Markus about it before he died… Markus would like to go and paint something like that, he knew… He could spend his whole life just watching these videos… Everything about the world was so new and exciting, if he just looked in the right places… 

“How you feeling, Si…?”

Simon hadn’t heard Daniel walk in. 

“Is your face broken too? I thought it was only your voice…”

‘Daniel…?’

“Yeah… What’s with your face…? You’re… smiling, but also crying, and you kinda look a bit out of it…”

‘I-I’m sorry… I didn’t expect for… I mean, I hadn’t thought anyone would-- I-I’m fine, so don’t worry about me… Go back to… things…?’

“Yeah, you’re right, I really oughta rush off to ‘things’ as you so eloquently put it… Nah. I’m off duty. Josh said only two people really needed to watch all the monitors, so we’ve been taking shifts… I’m off now, so I figured I’d drop by and see what’s up with you, before spending the rest of my time off in sleep mode…”

Right… They were all watching the cameras North must have had planted throughout the airport, the hotel, and the Capitol building before Markus had left for DC. 

‘You don’t need to be here… You should sleep… I’m fine…’

“You can’t talk, and the way North made it sound, you’re effectively under house arrest for two full days... You’re not fine… Plus you’re crying… What gives…?”

‘Can you keep a secret…?’

“Sure…”

‘I just finalized my will…’

“Will…? Like the human death-document…? Simon, are you dying…?”

‘N-no… I… I’m not dying… I’m going to die… There’s a difference…’

Daniel processed the words in his mind. Dying as an active verb compared to going to die, which had more of a passive connotation. He couldn't work out a difference. Death was death, wasn’t it? Did Simon just say that he would die?

“I... don’t understand… Why didn’t you tell me…? Have you known this whole time…?”

‘Since I got back, kind of… I just didn’t have a date until now…’

“A date…? Like a shutdown timer…? Shit, Simon, and Kara just sent you home! We should send you back; someone must be able to do something to--“

‘N-no! No, I told you… I’m not dying… I’m going to die. There’s no timer… More like… just… something I just know… Look, don’t worry about it, okay…? You’ll be fine, and I… I’ve been running on borrowed time for months… I’m fine, Daniel, really…’

A sudden thought occurred to Daniel, and his heart filled with disgust. 

“Does Markus know? Markus knows and he left for your last few days!?!”

‘No! No… Markus doesn’t know… He doesn’t even know I was sent home from work today… I told everyone not to tell him, so he doesn’t worry… He should be home in time to say his goodbyes… But Daniel, please, don’t worry about this… Everything’s fine…’

“Who else knows… Me, you, Kara… Do North and Josh know…?”

Simon hesitated… They didn’t know he thought they were going to-- But they surely must have already settled on what to do with him by now… Still, he didn’t want Daniel to know that they were the ones who would--

‘No… No… They--they don’t know…’

“Why didn’t you tell me that’s why you’re so fragile! Simon, you realize no one would have-- You should have told us that-- Forget it… Just… just go rest or something… Fuck, Simon! Fucking hell, man!”

Simon didn’t try to stop Daniel from storming out… He didn’t even know what to say to Daniel on the subject… Besides, why did he have to comfort Daniel, who would get to live, when he’d be the one sacrificed to the darkness. It couldn’t have been more than a few minutes later before his door was flung open again. Seeing Josh, he felt a surge of panic. Daniel must have spoken to him! He’d said too much, and now Josh would let him know his words had consequences, and--

“You’re dying…?”

‘Josh…?’

“Why didn’t you tell anyone! Daniel took over the monitors so I can see if I can help… Why would Kara just give up like that…? Or if she couldn’t help, shouldn’t she have passed you on to another tech…? Whatever… Simon, how much time do you have…?”

Simon’s thirium pump stopped dead in his chest. He was on the ground, bleeding out, nearly decapitated. He couldn’t move… The RK900 had choked him half to death, and now Josh had come to finish the job. 

> _ “Simon, have you started seeing a shutdown timer?!?!”  _
> 
> _ ‘...s-since he dropped me… s-started at… at t-t-two thirty two… now one eighteen…’  _
> 
> _ “Shit, Simon! Why didn’t you say something?!?! RA9, your thirium level is dropping too fast for me to even know if that’s what caused the timer to appear. We need to act now, Simon! This is going to hurt like hell, and I don’t care. It’s the only chance we have at getting you through this alive.” _

He wasn’t going to scream. He wasn’t going to scream. He just had to will himself to run. He couldn’t move, but he would try. He had to get away! He couldn’t handle this! He-- Simon attempted to throw his body forward, except what was ground in one moment had become a mattress in the next, and he found himself restrained by blankets swaddled loosely around his body, dragging him down onto the floor--the real floor. Where he was  _ really  _ about to get torn apart. Again. Still scrambling to flee, even fighting his stress response, Simon couldn’t manage to find his way out of the mess of bedding, and he could feel the sheets suffocating him--another way to take his voice--, as they grew thicker with thirium.

“Simon, what happened…? Quit struggling; you’re only burying yourself deeper into the blankets… Here, let me help…”

No! He didn’t want Josh’s help! He--he didn’t-- Josh pulled away a layer of sheets, and Simon flinched away as Josh had exposed his face to the light. 

“Hey… Look at me… You need to calm down… Just be still, and I’ll help…”

Simon relented. It wasn’t like his panicking had enabled him to free himself, and he knew it would be smarter to conserve his strength, in case he’d need to attempt another escape later on…

“Now are we going to talk about what you told Daniel…?”

‘...didn’t understand…’

“Okay, so tell me what he thought, and what you meant…”

‘...thought I was dying…. meant I was going to die…’

Josh cocked his head as he pondered the difference. 

“So you’re not ill… You’re… in danger somehow…”

‘...I-I… yes…’

“In danger of dying by what means…?”

‘...Hands…’

“Hands… You mean you think someone is going to kill you…?”

Simon couldn’t continue with this line of interrogation. This could be dangerous. Josh was getting too close to the truth… Too close to realizing that Simon had known this whole time….

‘...p-please stop…’

“Has somebody threatened your life? Simon, it’s imperative you tell us who said they intend to kill you! Do you have any idea how dangerous it would be for them to break in here? Beyond murder, it could easily be considered an act of terrorism, or worse, and act of war!”

‘...n-no… No war… N-nobody said… Nobody said they’d kill me… I-I just… I know… I know they will… Can feel it… Know they’ve been thinking about it somehow…’

“Who is they…?”

There was literally no acceptable way to answer this question. If he lied and deflected the blame, Josh would ask more questions to which he might genuinely not have the answer, but it wasn’t like he could tell Josh that he knew it was him. Somehow, he had a feeling it generally wouldn’t be considered wise to tell his future killer that he suspected them of conspiracing to murder him. 

‘...people… I-I don’t know! I-I can just feel it!’

“So… you’re having another panic attack…?”

If Josh would use that as an excuse to close the conversation, Simon would be happy to comply. 

‘I… I think… Maybe…? I-I’m scared…’

“Well, yeah… That’s kind of how panic attacks work… Here… I’ll help you back into bed…”

Josh placed Simon, sheets and all, back onto his bed. Carefully, he smoothed out the covers, tucking them tightly under the mattress until Simon found himself pinned down, immobile, even regardless of his stress response. It was too tight! H-he couldn’t breathe!

“I’ve read that weighted blankets are supposed to help with panic… We don’t have those, but with the sheets pulled tightly like this, the tension can act as pressure, all the same. I’ll explain everything to Daniel, so he can still get in his sleep for the day… You should rest too… And maybe talk to me or North if you start to panic again, because I don’t think Daniel knows you well enough not to blow things out of proportion yet…”

‘...t-thank you, Josh….’

Simon held his breath as he waited for Josh to leave the room. That was brutal! This whole charade was pointless, and exhausting to maintain… And what was the point of it, anyway…? All because he was afraid to confront the truth…? Or because he was afraid to receive a lie in response, a false sense of security for his mind to fight against in order to fully accept the reality that in two days--well, more like one day, now, since he’d wasted today moping around and watching videos in bed--, his best friends would straight-up scrap him alive…? He was a detriment to everything they’d been working for. Even here, from the relative safety of his bed, he was still a burden in that he had to keep lying to Markus about his condition to keep him from worrying and getting distracted from his work. So no matter where he went, or what he was doing, a burden was all he’d ever be… Until someone put an end to it… And he knew the idea was in the air… Ideas danced menacingly in his own head, until they slowly began to fade away. 


	148. From Miles Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus is there.

> _ Simon didn’t even bother trying to hide his tears, as he ran for the door. Just a door stood between him and Markus after too long apart. The handle twisted, and in Markus stepped, taking Simon in his arms and spinning him giddily off the ground.  _
> 
> _ “Ah! Markus!”  _
> 
> _ “What? I missed you!” _
> 
> _ “I missed you too, but put me down, love!” _
> 
> _ Markus practically threw him in the air, catching him bridal-style in his arms. Simon clung to Markus on reflex, but there was no fear in the motion. He felt nothing but love for Markus, and he trusted Markus completely to keep him from falling to the ground. Desperate to get a good look at his beloved’s face, Simon redirected his gaze upward, only to be hit with a disturbing feeling that only seemed to get worse the longer he looked. Those mismatched eyes he loved so much were gone… Well, not quite gone… Looking up, he did see eyes of blue and green, but they weren’t Markus’. Well, they were attached to Markus, but they weren’t his eyes. They were too… still… Doll-like almost, with perfectly white scleras, colored irises somehow lacking depth, lacking life.  _
> 
> _ “M-markus…? Are you alright…? You look different…” _
> 
> _ “I’m fine, Si. I just missed you… I need to take you back to our room… Hold you like there’s no tomorrow…” _
> 
> _ Markus’ voice was growing increasingly… flat? Like with each word he said, the enthusiasm he’d first seemed to radiate had slowly drained from his body…  _
> 
> _ “...Markus…? What’s with your voice…? Are you sure you’re okay…” _
> 
> _ “Shhhhh….” _
> 
> _ “Markus, I-I don’t like this! Put me down…?” _
> 
> _ But Simon could feel Markus’ grip tighten around his body. _
> 
> _ “M-markus, that hurts! Stop! L-let me go!” _
> 
> _ Simon tried to push himself out of Markus’ arms, but to no avail. This wasn’t right. Markus had wanted to make him feel safe speaking out; he wouldn’t quiet him, or at least not so dismissively. And he wouldn’t hold Simon in a way that would hurt.  _
> 
> _ “W-what are you? Let go of me! M-markus, let me down right now!” _
> 
> _ Stone-faced and silent, Markus continued to take him to his room, placing him roughly onto the bed. Until the face came back… The eyes were Markus again, his brow creased with worry.  _
> 
> _ “I-I’m so sorry, Si...” _
> 
> _ “M-markus, I-I don’t understand!!” _
> 
> _ Rough hands took his wrist, and pulled.  _
> 
> _ “That hurts! M-markus, what’s going on!” _
> 
> _ “It won’t hurt for long… I know what I’m doing”  _
> 
> _ Josh…? _
> 
> _ “You’re doing a shit job is what you’re doing… Just get it over with, or you’ll never get it done!” _
> 
> _ Simon felt nails digging into a notch in the frame of his chest. Nails that pressed harder and harder, until he could feel the frame warp under the pressure. Until he could feel the nails inside him, under the frame, tearing a good chunk from his body. He cried out involuntarily, overcome with the sudden pain, but Markus put a hand over his mouth.  _
> 
> _ “Please, Si… Don’t make this harder than it needs to be…” _
> 
> _ Markus was crying. Simon could hear it in his voice. And he knew it was selfish to scream. He shouldn’t make it harder for Markus to watch. But it was too much pain, all at once. Josh twisting off limb by limb, while North just pried off whatever she could get a good grip on. He was only vaguely aware he was screaming--how could he not scream at a time like this?-- But he didn’t mean to. He was trying his hardest to be quiet, and good, and still. One last gift to Markus…? Or maybe just one final display of strength in the hopes that they all would remember him. _
> 
> _ “Don’t cry, love… Please, don’t cry…” _
> 
> _ He didn’t want to cry, but it hurt! And Markus wasn’t even comforting him. Markus was just letting it happen as it did, maybe seeking out some comfort for himself, but not doing anything to stop the pain. _
> 
> _ “Shhhh… Come on, Si… Please, be stilll…” _
> 
> _ ‘Markus, it hurts… I-I don’t want to die! Please-- please say something! Make it stop!’ _
> 
> _ Markus nodded at the others, and then there was a hand around his thirium pump. So tight! It--it couldn’t beat against the grip stifling the bicomponent, before it was torn from him. Torn. With a single yank, he was thrust into the darkness. _

Simon woke up panicked and tear-eyed, gasping desperately to catch his breath and stop his racing thirium pump. 

‘Simon, I got your message. Are you alright? What’s going on?’

Markus…? Why did he sound afraid…? What message? Oh… 

‘M-markus…? Markus… Y-yeah… I-I’m home… And I’m awake… Yeah… I’m awake…’

‘You were having a nightmare…’

Simon didn’t know how to refute that statement. It wasn’t wrong… And hearing Markus acknowledge it was somehow reassuring. Like the real Markus wouldn’t have done that… The real Markus wouldn’t have let them--

‘Si…? You still here…?’

‘...y-yeah… Sorry to bother you… I hadn’t meant to… to message you like that.. I-I’m fine… You’re right…. It was just a bad dream…. But it’s good to hear your voice… I-I’m fine now… I just needed that…’

‘You wanna talk about it, a bit…?’

‘I-I’m fine… It was just a bad dream… Nothing to talk about… How was your night in the tub…?’

‘Well, better than if I were to sleep in the tub at home… No one came in to turn it on while I was sleeping, so that was a plus… Which, let’s face it, North would totally do if I napped in the tub at New Jericho. Go straight to sleeping from swimming… I suppose like a fish might do… So… Would that make me a mermaid…?’

Simon smirked, relaxing slightly. 

‘The prettiest mermaid of them all… I bet your scales would be shiny, and your freckles would be multicolored… And you’d never wear a shirt…’

‘Okay, now I know you’re starting to feel better, if you’re starting to get thirsty for me as a half-fish…’

‘Well, it only makes sense that, whatever you are, you be the hottest of your kind…’

‘Fish fucker!’

Simon rolled his eyes.

‘Well, how are you…? When do you leave for the Capitol…?’

‘In an hour… Josh says everything’s in place, and that if I can just remember my talking points, everything should be great… So yeah… Assuming that goes until a little after lunch time for the humans, I can plan my statement to the press on the subject, and get to sleep early, so I can make my 6:00am plane back home… I’m almost home, love…’

‘I can’t wait… Be safe, and I’ll speak to you soon! I love you!’

‘Love you too!’

At least Simon’s thirium pump had stopped pounding so heavily in his chest… He hadn’t meant to message Markus, although he supposed his dream self had meant to message dream-Markus, but he was glad he did… He needed that--needed Markus… Just hearing from him this time, helped to diminish his fear. He called for help, not even in any real danger, and Markus was there in seconds, aware of the problem, even from miles away, and ready to provide the comfort he could, given the physical distance. 


	149. Softer Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon has a revelation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas to all who celebrate friendos!

Simon forced himself from his bed, rewrapping Markus’ coat around his shoulders as he resolved to offer the others his assistance. He knew it was too late to show his utility, but he didn’t care for that. Right now, he just cared to do anything he could to help keep Markus safe. 

“Go back to bed!”

Simon blinked up in surprise. He hadn’t thought anyone had noticed him yet. 

“N-North…?”

“Oh. Hey, Simon… You can talk now…?” Josh seemed pleasantly surprised. 

Simon swallowed hard. He couldn’t lose his nerve now. He wanted to help Markus with his last day alive…

“Y-yes… I-I think I’m feeling… Better… I’m feeling better… And I-I want to help…”

Josh stiffened slightly, but North rose from her seat, turning to Simon, her face full of rage.

“You. Bed.  _ Now _ !”

Shuddering, Simon took a step back, but managed to keep on his feet. 

“B-but I--“

“Simon…. I’m glad you’re feeling better, but... You scared us all terribly last night… Daniel’s stress level was through the roof until I came back and explained things to him, and even after, he never really calmed down until he finally turned in for the night. North and I didn’t know what to think either, honestly, given how you’ve been lately… We thought it might have had something to do with your injuries from Nines, and even after we figured it out, we’ve still been taking short breaks from our shifts at the monitors to check on you every half hour just in case… Please, if not for your sake, then for ours; rest…”

Simon could feel his legs begin to wobble, as the sincerity in Josh’s voice threw him off. Quickly, he lowered himself onto the ground before he collapsed entirely, struggling to figure out what to make of it. 

“Y-you--you were scared…? W-why…?”

“Because you’re our friend, Simon… That’s how friendship works…”

Simon didn’t even know if he wanted to believe Josh’s words… It was just so… hard… Why was it so fucking hard…? He… he felt it… In his heart, he still did feel… Why he’d come back… He loved Josh and North… They were his family… Even after everything… He didn’t understand it, but he knew what he felt, nonetheless… They must have felt it too… Without the fear, everything would have been so much clearer, and maybe that was why they seemed so much calmer… Maybe he could follow their lead… If it was safe, that might be the only way to be okay… Tears of frustration wormed down his face. He needed to be better. If not for them, then definitely for himself. He wanted to experience life as it was, but with fear clouding his judgement he couldn’t tell what was real… 

“R-right… Right, I-I’m sorry… I-I just… Sometimes I forget…”

Struggling to his feet, Simon looked up at the others… He had noticed… concern… in their eyes… They’re eyes didn’t burn this time… Or, not like acid, anyway… More like antiseptic when he’d patch his human children’s skinned knees. A bit too warm and too cool all at once, but somehow crisp and clean in a way that almost felt… good… How had he never seen the care in their eyes before…? Sure, it was subtle, and often masked with some different more prominent tone, but somehow he knew it had to have always been there…

“I-I’m really sorry, guys… I’m really sorry…”

Equal parts ashamed and relieved, Simon scurried back to his room, flopping back onto his bed with a heavy sigh… He would get his act together… Although, staying in bed was so boring… And even if he didn’t need to be useful to be allowed to live, he wanted to be useful simply because… he just did… He didn’t need a reason.. It was Markus and he wanted to help… Rising from the bed, Simon tiptoed into North’s room, careful not to make a sound that might alert the others that he was on the mover, and snuck back out with her projector. Setting it up in his room wasn’t incredibly difficult, although getting the screen to show the camera planted in the Old Supreme Court Chambers was considerably more challenging. Still, soon enough, he could see it all; the four small tables surrounded by four sets of pews, dimly lit by what appeared to be candle, in an eerie aesthetic similar to that of an old church… Despite the incredibly high ceilings, the lack of windows made the room look suffocating from his perspective, although he knew that likely wouldn’t phase Markus, since he was so used to his windowless studios...

‘Hey, love… Getting ready…?

‘Throwing on a suit and tie… Always a bit tight for my taste… Like, I know no one else would notice, but my movements feel so much more stiff now…’

‘I bet you look dashing, though… Businessman Markus heading off to work… I could picture handing you your coffee, as I give you a kiss, and hand you your briefcase before you grab your hat and head for the subway…’

‘I’m sure Ryan won’t mind taking more photos for you… RA9, I’m going to have a mini scrapbook for you by the time I get home…’

Simon grinned. 

‘What a thoughtful boyfriend I have, to travel for work and bring me back a souvenir…’

‘Told you you’re always on my mind… So what are you up to now…?’

‘I… might have stayed home today… I wanna be here to watch your conference… So it’s kind of like I’m with you… I can help you if you need anything to say, and--‘

‘No!’

‘W-what…?’ Simon winced, startled by the message and the tone with which it had been sent. 

‘Si, I-I don’t think that’s a good idea… Really, I don’t… Daniel had an idea of how to start the meeting, and I-I don’t want you-- I don’t think you should… Please, just trust me… I appreciate your support. Really, I do, but please, go back to work…’

Confused, Simon sat up straighter in his bed. What could possibly happen that Markus would be so adamantly opposed to him seeing…? Or was it just that Markus didn’t think he could handle it himself… It would make sense, given how he’s been recently, but Markus wasn’t here to see that he was doing surprisingly well here… He was trying to be strong and, at least for the present moment, he was doing okay...

‘Markus. I’m stronger than you think… I want to support you… I want to be here for you, and to help you if--‘

‘Please, just don’t… Simon, I know you’re strong, but I don’t want you to--‘

‘I’ve made up my mind; I’m watching. You can’t stop me…’

‘Simon… No… I-I would never stop you… I just… For your own health… I’m going to be showing them some… heavy things… Heavy things that I really don’t think… Like, I just mean because… Everything they might need to see to understand… Everything… It’s a lot, Si… I don’t even want to see it there… Or to hear it, really… I-I don’t think I’ve ever heard it actually without the noise inside my head… My heart was beating too fast and everything was too much, so I never heard it… I… am scared…’

Simon felt bad to hear Markus struggling so… But that only increased his resolve to sit in on this, so he could help in whatever way he could.

‘Then I’ll be here for you… Do you still have my gloves…?’

‘I haven’t taken them off since you gave them to me… They do help… A lot… And, it feels like you’re here with me… Holding my hand…’

‘I love you, Markus… And I am with you. You just can’t see it, but I’m there in spirit. So don’t be afraid… You’re going to be okay… Better than okay… You’re going to do great!’

‘I love you so much…’

‘Right back at you, Markus… Remember, after this, it’s just hotel, plane, and home…’

‘Home to you… Can’t wait…’

Simon smiled… He would be strong enough to support Markus. He was determined. 


	150. The Capitol

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus has support.

A half hour left, and Markus would be there on the screen… And he was okay… Tired, but okay… If anything, he was almost looking forward to the start of the conference, if only so it would be over sooner. So when he saw Markus finally enter the room, taking the corner seat closest to the door leading to the nearest side entrance, he did feel a tinge of relief. Markus fidgeted anxiously with his collar before removing something Simon didn’t recognize from his briefcase. He messed around with it, pressing buttons, from the look of it, but it was hard to see exactly what he was doing, since his hands blocked the view of the device from the camera’s angle. Two other people, humans, if Simon had to guess, came in together before Markus had finished. 

Three more humans came in together, stone-faced and hard, like they were expecting to-- Well, Simon wasn’t quite sure what the humans were expecting-- It was concerning, to say the least… President Warren entered the room with two armed guards, and Simon cursed himself for not having insisted Markus bring Ryan and Chris into the room with him. Even with a guard planted at each door, there was no one in the room, should Markus need something right there… Still, no one spoke a word, until another five humans entered the room. The tables were such that President Warren and her guard were on one table, and the other humans were divided evenly between the other two tables, leaving Markus empty. The “us vs them”-- “us vs  _ it _ ” mentality was painfully clear. 

‘You’re the only person at your table, but stand tall; Remember, you’re not alone, love…’

Simon caught a slight smile on Markus’ face, as he readjusted his posture, unnecessarily clearing his throat to call everyone’s attention. 

“So, I understand the original intention of this meeting was to discuss how to restructure CyberLife as a business so as to prevent economic devastation while also removing the potential for malice or violation of Android Rights inherent in the model as it stands. But before we begin discussing our ideas, in light of… recent events, I feel we must first discuss another matter. President Warren, may I ask you, in good faith, what exactly do you know regarding the reversal of any anti-deviancy measures taken by CyberLife before the success of the revolution…?”

“I… don’t believe there were any such measures taken specifically by CyberLife… Wait, no, there was one… That police model… The Rk800… Didn’t you deviate him, Markus…? The deviant hunter… Connor. His name was Connor, and didn’t he help you win the revolution by acquiring you more troops from undeviated Androids in CyberLife Tower…?”

Markus squinted curiously as she spoke. From what Simon could tell, her tone did seem sincere… She truly didn’t seem to understand where he knew Markus was going with this. 

“I did deviate Connor… Is that all you know…?”

“What do you mean…? What more is there to know…?”

Markus nodded, apparently satisfied with her answer, before turning pointedly to a man at another table, presumably some higher up from CyberLife, although Simon couldn’t identify him from this angle. 

“Your answer is to your credit, President Warren. I have irrefutable evidence that there has been at least one other measure to combat deviancy that had not been neutralized since the revolution, a clear violation of Section 319.200 of Subpart B of the Android Rights Act perpetrated by the CyberLife company.”

“Go on…”

Simon could feel the fury in President Warren’s voice, and though he didn’t believe it to be directed at Markus, it still made him tense, nonetheless. It only made sense that she would be unhappy with this situation… She’d just received notice that Markus had reasonable cause to redeclare war on the humans of America as a result of the actions of one of the nation’s larger corporations--a corporation which she had failed to properly regulate. 

“I… would prefer not to speak on it… For… personal reasons, I fear I may not be as eloquent as such a matter requires. But I can show you my evidence… My memory… And a warning to everyone here: The memory I am about to show you has been burned onto a drive stored in a secure location, to which only a select handful of people, not at all otherwise related to or present in this memory, have access. So to try to come after me, or anyone else in this memory would be pointless; should ill befall any one of us, these otherwise unrelated individuals have each been instructed to release this footage to the world. In other words, any attempts to harm any witnesses you are about to see would be highly counterproductive for whatever intentions you might have. Witness tampering would effectively trigger another war. Do I make myself clear…?”

Simon sighed in relief. 

‘Brilliant, Markus! You really thought this through!’

President Warren nodded solemnly. 

“Of course… Go on…”

When Markus pressed the device he’d set up, it projected a scene of Connor pacing anxiously as he explained how he discovered Nine’s existence… Markus questioned him, and he responded, and then the footage cut to them approaching the CyberLife building. Another cut showed Nines trying to kill Connor, North, and him. Simon felt his stress level rise as he saw the full extent of damage done to Markus’ hand. He couldn’t really focus on anything else from that clip. Markus had really downplayed it at the Center, but it was… destroyed… Pieces just dangling limp and sparking from his forearm, as Markus just acted like it was nothing… And it was his fault for being so weak that Markus needed to-- Not now… He could go there later, but now he needed to keep a level head… Markus needed him, and this time, he would be able to help. 

The video then cut to a freshly deviated Nines in the Center, coming to terms with what he’d done, but… the speech was… wrong… bits felt missing... The cuts somehow felt… purposeful… As soon as the projections turned off, the man Markus had turned to face earlier was already on his feet, arms crossed defensively over his chest. He looked like a spring coiled and ready to launch himself at Markus.

“You cannot claim that to be evidence of anything, Mr. Manfred! That video has clearly been doctored… All we have learned from this video is that you have broken into one of our facilities, and fought another android. But clearly you’ve selectively cut the footage, leaving out both long stretches in between the scenes you’ve shown, and even split-second words spoken by you and the other androids. This would never be admissible in court! You’re just trying to carry out some sort of revenge against us! I knew you wouldn’t have simply accepted mankind’s declaration of peace!”

Simon knew Markus wasn’t trying to frame them-- he’d been there when it happened… But he agreed that there was something off about the video… He was sure because he’d… He’d been there when it happened! Markus’ brows were creased, his lower jaw fixed slightly, and Simon could see he was somehow conflicted. Luckily this was a conflict Simon could easily resolve.

‘The full thing, Markus… Show them everything; don’t cut me out…’

‘But--‘

‘I know it won’t exactly project strength for them to see me like that, but if you don’t, you’ll have no evidence’

‘It’s not just about projecting strength on behalf of New Jericho… I… don’t want anyone to see you like this… It’s not their business!’

‘I am giving you permission to--No… I-I’m telling you I want you to make it their business… Show them everything! If you don’t, this will all have been in vain…’

‘Simon…’

Markus nodded. 

“You’re right, Mr. Graff… At least to a certain extent… I haven’t doctored the footage of the memory, but I have removed a… substantial amount… Specifically anything that relates to my partner… I… didn’t want to involve him in this… I felt as though he’s been through enough because of you and your people that it would be cruel to even request his permission to share that he was involved in this. Moreover, quite frankly, I would argue you don’t deserve to even so much as look at him on video. But Simon did suggest of his own accord that, should you insist upon it, I show you the full memories as they occurred… President Warren, would you bear with me as I replay the clips I meant to show you, uncut, directly from my memories…?”

Markus all but glared at the man for having brought things to this, but all the same, once President Warren nodded back a silent confirmation, he pushed in his chair, to keep from falling out, placed a shaky hand on the projector, and turned to look away, so he wouldn’t have to see it all again… 

‘I-I’m so sorry, Si…’

> _ “You know how the CyberLife warehouse is scheduled to be demolished tomorrow morning…?” _

The clip started off with Connor, anxious and fidgety as he tried to find the words to explain what he’d learned about Nines… Simon winced at the sound of his own voice, as the video played his own interjection. 

> _ “Someone’s in there?!? Have they been activated?!?” _

He sounded so pitiful… Like he was already a mess even before… And too quickly the footage cut to a head-on closeup of his face. His gaze was fixed to the ground, screwed up hideously, his lower lip trembling as his jaw hung slightly agape, eyes wide, threatening to stain his ashen skin with tears. He must have been messaging Markus, because there was no audio, or any indication of verbal communication, so it just looked like Markus was staring at his awful face for an obscene amount of time, before they both sat down again, and continued the conversation. He had forgotten how heavily he’d been involved with the planning before they’d actually gone to meet Nines. His voice was awful, shaky and wrong, and his fear of Connor was obvious, he was sure, even to these-- these humans, who didn’t even know him. Unless of course they did… The thought sent a shiver through his wiring, but he forced himself to keep his cool. 

> _ “We’re here. The doors are likely still locked, but I…” _

Markus must have switched to the next scene before North and Josh had entered the room, because now it seemed they were already there… Connor was hacking his way in… The video went to black for a second, and at first, Simon thought Markus had somehow broken the projector, but then the darkness faded back into him, walking away, and Simon realized this must have been the moment before he entered the room. 

_ “I’m going…” _

The video cut again to Josh returning through the door he’d entered. It looked like Markus was looking up at him, more than usual. 

> _ “Where’s Simon?” _

Where was Simon…? Simon wasn’t sure… He… knew his body wasn’t always his… So it didn’t surprise him to be outside of it sometimes, somewhat disconnected in a way… He could see himself choking, pouring thirium from a frame that couldn’t take the pressure as a single hand squeezed deadly tight like a vise around his throat. He could feel it… He was dying! He couldn’t breathe! He-- 

> _ “Don’t touch him!” _

He was gone… He couldn’t see himself struggling anymore, and he was too weak to scream… He could see Nines, no life behind his eyes as he extended his free arm, and crunched Markus’ hand like a bundle of sticks in his fist. 

> _ “RK200” _

Errors popped up all over the projection, and just as Simon’s heart started to quit thrashing so violently in his chest, he felt it break entirely. A gunshot from off-camera, and the scene panned to a trail of thirium… His thirium…? Simon held his breath as the focus shifted back to the fighting. North skewered Nines, and then Markus… did his thing… Nines was… still… a… machine... The scene changed one final time, to Nines tied down in what looked like… What looked like Jared’s room in the Center…

> _ “You don’t need to restrain me, Markus. I’ll be still while you kill me; I won’t fight back…” _

Shit… Simon hadn’t expected Nines to be so… awful… He knew Markus had told him this had happened, but he still couldn’t picture those cold, dangerous eyes brimming with tears, and helplessness, and self-loathing. 

> _ “How I’m built is who I am… Markus, that was me. I have the memories, I can feel what it was like, I just…. had a mental task that I wanted to complete, no matter the cost…” _

Simon… felt for the man, truly he did… His voice was shaking, and his breathing was wild, thirium dripping from his hand as he still occasionally tried to fight against his restraints… But… Once again, there was a cost to the completion of a task, an inevitable collateral damage, and once again, it could have likely been his life… And the world would have just gone on… The world--

“Does… does that satisfy you, Mr. Graff…?”

Markus’ voice was tight in his throat, his face tilted downward, away from the others and out of view of the camera. Servos rigid, like muscles tensing into his frame, Markus trembled, overwhelmed with hatred and sorrow…


	151. Fantastic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus finishes up.

“Mr. Manfred, I--I don’t see how-- I mean just because-- Sure you found him at-- Look, are we here at CyberLife villains for not wanting to destroy a sentient life…? I mean, really, Mr. Manfred, how could we in good conscience choose to destroy a living being to preemptively prevent the potential for loss of other lives….?”

“You  _ know _ you don’t care about Nines! You were going to risk letting him get crushed when the building was set to be demolished, and you didn’t care! You knew if he survived he’d come out and kill us all! How many more of his model are out there! Nines isn’t dangerous, but--but his model--I-I mean you saw--you saw what--“

Markus’ voice rose until he was practically screaming, on the verge of tears, as the recipients of his anger just sat there, unaffected.

‘Breathe, Markus… Maintain your composure… Everyone knows what they had expected for Nines to do. It’s only natural he try to come up with a lie to defend himself. If you can stay calm and levelheaded, you can continue to press him on it…’

‘He… He made me show them… He made me have to hear, d-did you see…?’

‘I did… And I’m okay, remember…? I’m safe at home, so everything I saw… none of it matters… It’s over… Now we have other things to focus on… Take a deep breath and think about what you want to say next…’

‘R-right… Right, I’m sorry, Si… Everyone’s just blowing up my messaging channels, and nothing I do is right, and I know it’s not right, because it’s just too close to me, but--‘

‘No. You’re doing fine… Talk about Nines like something in the past. And remember, this meeting can put it all to bed. You’ll get to go back to the hotel, and never have to think about it again.’

‘Right… I-I love you, Si…’

‘Love you too…’

Markus sighed, shaking his head as if to brush off the tone he’d set before. 

“I’m sorry… As I previously stated, I find it difficult to discuss this matter in an articulate fashion, given how… personally affected I’ve been… But my point in saying this isn’t to point fingers. My point in saying this is to discuss the future; not the past. Specifically, is there a possibility of deviantkind experiencing anything similar in effect to the crisis we’ve prevented…? What other counterdeviancy measures are currently still active about which the world is still unaware…?”

“The RK900--“

“ _ Nines _ . His name is Nines...”

“Yes,  _ Nines _ was the only one of his kind. You know we were still working on perfecting the prototype when the revolution came about. We really only started creating him, as a beta-prototype, since we saw our company’s vision collapsing, and we wanted to at least create one final realization of our last vision.”

Markus frowned. 

“Okay… So if Nines is the only one of his kind, fine. I’m rather familiar with the concept of a stand-alone model. But how do we know you haven’t since created other counterdeviancy measures to use against us whenever you feel public opinion won’t look upon it so harshly…? You would certainly have the incentive to do so...”

“You should trust us in good faith; It is literally impossible to prove a negative, so I don’t know what more you want from me…”

Simon had feared it would come to this… That’s why they had looked for more RK900s earlier, but they hadn’t found anything. They were back at square one, and justified as they were in their suspicions, the burden of proof was on Jericho if they were to sound the alarm…

“I apologize, Mr. Graff, but surely you must understand I’m not willing to chance the survival of my people on merely trust and good faith, especially since from me, thus far, you’ve earned neither… Which brings us back to the initial purpose of this meeting. CyberLife restructuring. I’ve spoken with my associates at New Jericho, and we’ve come up with a plan that, should you choose to accept it, will not only reestablish pre-revolution profitability and productivity, but also will, according to several projections, be expected to set CyberLife stock value and annual net profit on a steady incline for the years to come.”

Mr. Graff raised an eyebrow. 

“I apologize, Mr. Manfred, but surely you must understand I’m not willing to chance the survival of my company on merely trust and good faith--“

“I’m sorry, do you mean to compare the continued survival of a sentient people to the solvency of your corporation…?”

“Niceties aside, what plan have you and your associates created…? We’ve not come here to simply agree to your terms as they are, sing some hymns, and leave on some note of righteousness and good of homunculus-kind…”

“ _ Deviant _ -kind… And no. Of course not… You’re here for one thing and one thing only: to assure that your company can continue to make money, now that you are no longer permitted to play God by creating obedient servants for humans. The solution I offer is simply a slight change in your business model, coupled with a touch of rebranding… Specifically, we at New Jericho would be willing to partner with CyberLife as a supplier for spare biocomponents and thirium for repairs, and perhaps for New Jericho-approved software or hardware updates that might be desirable for the community. We would oversee the work, and your target market would obviously shift, but your products would remain largely the same, except instead of using your biocomponents to create entire Androids, you’d simply be creating biocomponents… We’re still working on closing all the scrapyards, and fighting to ensure that what's left of the bodies we find are given a proper burial, but seeing as many deviants are still distrustful of human techs, and new CyberLife products, unfortunately, many of our people have been more willing to… Well, they have a demand for a product, and two supplies… One they know to be safe, another which they heavily distrust…”

“Mr. Manfred, are you trying to say that the scrapyards and recycling plants are effectively being used like a black market for consentless Android organ donation…?”

Markus shrunk under the weight of President Warren’s voice, closing his right eye before he lost control over the biocomponent. 

‘Head up, Markus. You know that’s not what she means… She doesn’t understand.’

“Y-yes… I mean, no… I mean, not exactly… It’s not… Not like what you’re thinking… President Warren, please try to understand. Very few Androids deviate under pleasant circumstances, and even if they do, with hate crimes, and the legality of Android-abuse until just a few months ago, many Androids suffer from at least some degree of impairing damage… I’ve been open about my past… As you know, my legs, and my eye were not originally my own, and I’ve been very open about how and why they came to be attached to my body…. But what happened to me was not a freak-occurrence. Contrarily, Androids have been scavenging needed biocomponents from the dead likely since the very beginning of deviancy, and at an upsetting frequency. Think about it. If you, as a human, are injured, you can see a doctor who will do the best they can to mitigate the damage… Even what could be a fatal wound untreated can see a full recovery under a skilled physician’s care. But before the revolution, a damaged Android could only go to a tech for repairs if their human owners chose to have them repaired. Which was rare, even in the Androids who hadn’t run away, or been released by their humans, especially since it was often cheaper to replace a damaged Android altogether than to repair any individual biocomponent. And since biocomponents are often cross-compatible between models, it really was the only way for androids to not die needlessly simply because there were no other ways by which to receive life-saving treatment. We don’t do it out of callousness; we do it because until recently, we’ve lacked any other viable options. Until now…”

“So what’s the story…? You want us to give you a majority share of CyberLife products, and in exchange, you’ll give us good press, and hopefully a new market…? Why the hell would we do that based just on an if?”

Markus shook his head, surprised to see one of the other CyberLife people speak up for a change.

“No… That isn’t what I want… A shareholder would imply that we would have some financial stake in the company. In this case, we would forego any profit. New Jericho would not receive a cent from CyberLife, and you, as a business, would be able to manage your funds however you like, provided it’s in accordance with the law. We would simply act as an oversight committee, of sorts… A regulatory body to ensure that everything you do as a company is for the good of the people, and only for the good of the people; That no programs or biocomponents, or whatever you choose to create will be created in a manner that neither the products themselves, nor the production process would violate any legal or moral rights of any sentient people. Thinking about it from another perspective, I’ve just recommended a way for you to restructure your company into something viable, but set the condition that New Jericho act as a regulatory oversight committee should you desire any hope of tapping into this new market.”

President Warren scribbled something onto a notepad and nodded. 

“If you would continue regular meetings with me, as well as with local officials to inform us of the actions you take as a regulatory committee, in terms of ideas you alter and/or shut down, then I could introduce a bill to the senate, and throw my weight in congress to ensure it gets passed. Until then, I would sign an executive order that would enable us to begin this arrangement immediately, so that we wouldn’t need to wait for the legislative process to run its course before we could begin. CyberLife stocks have been plummeting, and there has been an increase in national unemployment since the revolution, which, as the president, I obviously would prefer not to see. It pleases me that you are taking an interest in remedying this, Markus, and I do believe this to be the most effective diplomatic solution… Mr.Graff, would you consent to these terms…?”

“That depends… There’s still one issue that has remained unsettled. The RK900… Markus, what do you intend to do about it…? How many people know what you’ve shown us…?”

“ _ Nines _ may do as  _ he _ pleases. And apart from the people in the video, only the handful of people who I’ve entrusted with a copy to protect. Both for Nines’ sake, as well as to prevent a mass panic, we’ve chosen to keep this information under wraps… We merely wanted you to know that we are aware that you left at least one active threat for our people after the revolution, as well as to inform President Warren, since, given that she is the democratically elected ruler of this nation, it would be negligent for me as a citizen to keep her in the dark when I have knowledge that a federal crime has been committed. I don’t intend to seek retribution. I would have nothing to gain from it, anyway. Being able to oversee CyberLife activity would ensure that nothing like this happens again, and since you cannot undo the suffering you’ve caused my people, my main objective at the present moment is to prevent you from causing more in the future. So, do you agree to these conditions…?”

Markus was almost amused at how furiously President Warren was glaring at the man, before he finally relented. 

“Very well… Then, I suppose… I… look forward to doing business with you…. Mr. Manfred…”

“Then I believe all is settled… Thank you for coming to this agreement. I wish you all well… Good day…”

Markus nodded back at President Warren. 

“Good day to you too…”

Markus took his projector and placed it back in his briefcase, Then it was just a matter of remembering which doors to use again. Ten doors to go through, each with another armed guard who would join his party, so to speak, ending with Chris and Ryan at the last two doors between him and the outside. Four autos were waiting, one for two guards, two for one set of three guards, each, and the final one for Markus, Chris, and Ryan. Markus would put in his contacts, and fill in the gash in his hairline, and then all four autos would head to the hotel, and all 11 men would walk to the door of Markus’ room, allowing Markus, Chris, and Ryan to enter safely, before dispersing to do as they pleased. 

‘You were fantastic, Markus! I knew you would be! I’m so proud of you!’

‘Thank you, Si! But you do know this is your doing, right…? If you hadn’t chimed in… Look, I would have lost my shit too many times during that meeting if not for you checking in on me when I needed… And I really wouldn’t have told them about your involvement that night if you hadn’t insisted. I… didn’t want you to have to see that, though… How… how are you…?’

‘I… did start to lose myself… When I saw how he… But then I saw your arm, and I think it scared me back to myself…’

‘Why would that scare you…?’

‘You never told me how bad it was… Your arm, I mean… You played it down at the Center, I-I never knew--‘

‘It wasn’t as bad as it looked… Really… Plus, it’s better now… I’m fine now…’

‘It’s no wonder you’ve been afraid… Markus… It hurt, didn’t it…?’

‘Well, I mean, yeah, but so do lots of things… And in the grand scheme of life, I wouldn’t exactly call it the worst thing in the world…’

‘You were badly hurt trying to… N-nevermind… You’re right… I-I need to think more like you… You… You think well. That’s my goal now, y’know…? To think better… A-and don’t tell me I think fine enough as it is, because it’s not true. I can think better, and thinking better will make me happier. Everything will fall into place… And I’m getting there… Me doing this… Me today…? I don’t think I deserve any credit for it, but I am proud that I’ve been thinking better… For the past hour at least…’

‘Whatever you are, I love you… Is that alright to say…? And that I’m excited to come home to you… I can’t wait to see you, love…’

‘I know… I miss you… But I’ll only have to miss you for today…’

‘Only for today…’


	152. Free Shift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daniel gets a free shift

Simon pulled himself up from his bed… He was already growing restless. He hated having so much time with nothing to do. It somehow felt wrong in a way he couldn’t explain… Probably boredom would be the closest thing to it. In the corner of his eye, he caught the door to his closet, still on the floor, somewhat warped, and missing its hinges from when Markus had torn it off to get to him earlier. He could probably manage to fix the door without being loud enough for anyone to notice and tell him to settle down. By his dresser, he always kept a small box of tools; Josh might have been the tinkerer of sorts at new Jericho, but he did like to think he could make things, or at the very least do simple repairs if need be, so over the past few weeks he’d been slowly amassing his own set of tools he’d ‘borrowed’ from Josh when he was away. A drill with a Phillipshead bit could set the door back on its hinges, and he probably could manage to somehow reconnect the doorknobs if they hadn’t broken the lock mechanism. Simon muffled the sound of the drill with his pillow, and began his work. Three hinges, one door, no problem… 

“I should kick your ass, y’know…”

Simon looked up from his work, surprised to see Daniel standing over him.

“I didn’t mean to scare you…”

“I wouldn’t say you scared me, but I think most houseguests would be displeased to find their host was dying…”

“I’m sorry, I just--“

“Save it. Josh told me what’s up… You’re… okay now, then…?”

“Yeah… Just fixing the door… But I’m fine…”

Daniel took a seat cross legged at Simon’s feet. 

“Are… are you sure you’re okay…?”

“I-I don’t like-- Why are you looking at me like that…? Why are you looking at me like--like I’ve sprouted a new head or something…?”

“Well… You kind of have…”

“You… saw…?”

Daniel nodded back. 

“We were all on monitor duty for the conference, just to be safe… So, yeah… I… get why that would fuck you up… But now that it’s over, we’ve decided we can all take one-person shifts for the rest of the day… So since Josh’s going first, and North’s going next, so I’ve got six hours… Got anything more fun to do around here besides closet-making…?”

“I-I’m not making a closet… Markus and I broke the closet before you came in, and now I had the time to fix it…”

“Was it always upside down…?”

“Upside down…?”

Confused, Simon tried to open the door, only to find the handle wouldn't budge. He tried twisting counter-clockwise instead, and the door swung out and nearly smashed his face in. 

“...I’m not a carpenter by programming…”

“Really…? I couldn’t tell… Well, at least the good news is, it still does its job… Open the door without bashing your head, and you can access your clothes…”

“My clothes…”

Simon hadn’t thought of it until then, but Daniel was still wearing clothes he’d borrowed from Markus… That wasn’t right… Sure, he and the others occasionally swapped outfits, and they all shared a communal “going-out” closet, but they all did have their own clothes just for themselves… Given how they were once considered property, in a way, owning their own property was kind of like declaring ownership of themselves… They could choose how they wanted to look, what they wanted to wear… Daniel deserved that freedom too…

“You said you don’t know what to do with the next six hours…?”

“Nope… Whatcha got in mind…?”

“We’re going shopping… You need some clothes of your own… Ever been to the mall…?”

“Emma used to like to go with her friends… Never understood the appeal, but screw the kid… No… that… might be a bit harsh… I don’t want… I just… I--“

“Daniel…” Simon placed a soft hand on his shoulder. “...It’s okay to be hurt… And it’s okay to miss her… But we’re going to have fun today. You and me, I mean… Make some new good times… Come on… I’ll call an auto…”

Daniel didn’t know why he was smiling. He didn’t want to smile. Smiling was dangerous... He couldn’t get comfortable like this… Comfort was a gateway to disappointment and hurt. And he wouldn’t be hurt again… He had no family. He couldn’t forget that…

“Hey Dan, you coming…?”

Blinking back, Daniel realized Simon had way gotten way ahead of him, so he picked up his pace, and tried to keep from looking so sullen…

“Have any idea of what you might like to wear…?”

“Dunno… Never really thought about it…”

“That’s cool… We’ll see when we get there! I’ve never actually been shopping either, if I’m being honest… But I know how to do it. I once hosted a party for some human children at the mall… There were… Lots of people... Like...  _ lots _ of people… They were loud…”

“You’re looking a little pale, there, Si… You sure you’re up for this…?”

“O-of course! No, this will be good! If you’ve never bought clothes before, you should have fun trying them on! See what you like by fit and feel! We--we’re going to have fun today, Daniel! Y-yeah--We’re going to have fun!”

Daniel could tell Simon was more trying to psych himself up than let him know how much fun they’d be having, but he held his tongue. 

“We… are going to have fun, Simon… And you can borrow my clothes if you want once we get them… I know you’ll fit ‘em just fine…”

Simon smiled at the joke, but his smile quickly fell as the auto drove them into the parking garage. There was something about it… He… he didn’t like it at all… The insulation looked wrong… Foamy and spongy, like something from an alien planet, and something he couldn’t quite place about it screamed “danger”. It was dirty, and there were puddles of oil on the floor, which he couldn't identify as coming from a car or another android. Cars everywhere implied lots of people, and as they were driven deeper into the garage, it began to grow unsettlingly dark. 

“I-it’s a bit dark in here, right…? I-I don’t remember these places being so dark… T-they’re supposed to be this way…? Humans can’t see in the dark… B-but I know it’s dark! Daniel, I know it--“

Two clicks, and Simon threw himself back against the car door, pulling his arm defensively to his chest, as he felt a skinless hand take his wrist and begin to connect. 

_ Don’t touch me! _

He’d meant to shout at the hand, but his voice wouldn’t come. The words burned as his throat closed around them, holding them back. 

_ Don’t touch me Don’t touch me Don’t touch me! Y-you can’t take-- I-I won’t let you-- _

“Simon… Stop. You did the click thing, remember? Calm down or you’re going to hurt yourself…”

It… sounded like him… Why did the voice sound like him…?

_ Why did you take my voice? _

“Simon, I told you to stop… Don’t talk… Don’t say a word, okay…? You’re just starting to freak out again… Look at me…”

_ It’s dark! _

“Here, Simon… Come on… Look at me… Right here…”

Simon’s vacant stare shifted until he saw Daniel, and touched a hand to his raw throat. 

‘Daniel…? I-I’m sorry… I… It’s dark in here…’

“So you’ve said… Look, why don’t we go back home… I can order clothes online, but I don’t think this… I mean, whatever I just saw… You’re not--”

‘I-I’m fine… I just… didn’t realize how much I didn’t like these… Parking garages…? They’re loud and dirty and… dark… Really really dark…’

Daniel nodded back, trying to pretend like that answered all the questions that were now running through his mind, but there was one thing he couldn’t brush aside. 

“...It didn’t work… When I tried to interface, I mean… You just--“

‘Y-yeah… I know… Just drop it… Would you…?’

“Whatever you say… Need a minute before we hop out of the car, or…?”

‘I-I’m fine… I’m fine… Let’s just go…’

With another three clicks, Simon forced himself out of the auto, his attempt at composure at least slightly undercut by the way he practically sprinted for the door to the entrance of the mall. Where there was light, there was safety. He just needed to get inside. 


	153. Childish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon sees a new side to Daniel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year y'all! I hope you all have a wonderful 2021! :)

Hands in his pockets, Daniel took his time in catching up to Simon, enough so that the elevator had already arrived by the time he got there. His expression soured as it opened to reveal a family with two young children waiting inside. The kids were looking at him and smiling… Children seemed to think a smile was the default. He didn’t need a counterfeit display of amicability. They felt nothing for him, so they should have a neutral expression. Or a sneer like that across his own face… Still, Simon seemed to like it, giving the youngest child in the stroller a subtle wave. At least he seemed slightly more at ease like this… 

“...cute kids…” Daniel muttered through gritted teeth, as the elevator came to a stop on the first level of the mall proper.

Simon seemed to appreciate the gesture, nodding back at him with a smile of his own as they exited the elevator… Standing in the doorway to the massive arena of stores, Simon’s first instinct was to stop and look around… It was a wide open space, but the worst kind, at that… Full of people… It would be impossible to sneak through any hall or corridor without passing by another person… There were other Androids, so it wasn’t just humans, and the Androids didn’t seem afraid, but he was… He knew all the awful things that could happen if he let his guard down… No… He wanted to think better… So he’d have to try to think like them… He was at the mall… that was all there was to think. 

“Come on, Daniel… Let’s… let’s look around…”

It was almost a force of habit for Simon to slouch his shoulders, shrinking himself as if to hide away from the eyes, anxiously fidgeting with his hands protectively in front of his face. 

“I just downloaded a map of the place… most of the clothes are in the east wing… We can try there first if you’d like…”

“You’re the boss, Si…”

Daniel didn’t really care where they chose to get clothes from. He just figured it’d be best to do it quickly; Grab ‘em, try ‘em on, and get out… It felt like every minute they spent here brought them closer to Simon completely disintegrating where he stood. Still, it was a shame, since some of the stores they passed did seem pretty cool. One store was selling clearly fake gemstones for some sort of made-up health benefits… Another sold old-fashioned leather-bound journals… There was even a comic book store where Daniel could see a poster with pop art of Markus’ face on it and some incendiary message in block text… But most alluring was this massive toy store… In the window he could see a stuffed teddy bear so big he didn’t even know how they’d managed to fit it in the door. He couldn’t help but gravitate towards it. It must have been a vestige of his PL600 programming, but there was something about a room full of toys that he just had to check it out. 

Simon saw Daniel’s face light up at the sight of the toy store, and knew he had to follow along. It was so rare for Daniel to take an interest in anything, that when Simon saw even a hint of enthusiasm about him, he knew he wanted to encourage it. Without an ounce of self-consciousness, Daniel walked about the store, taking dolls in his hands and examining the stitching, reading the backs of all of the model train kits, and looking at the pictures on every puzzle box as if each one were a priceless work at the Louvre.

“Simon! Look, this kit will make an edible bubble bath! Have you ever heard of an edible bubble bath!?! Like, if you wanted to get clean, and have a snack at the same time! They’ve got chocolate chip cookie flavoring and cotton candy, and even bubble gum!”

“Dan, you know we can’t eat anything…”

“Yeah, but we can taste! I like bubble gum the best for that reason. It’s the one thing I was able to have like Emma. I could taste her cookies, but I could never swallow them. But even humans don’t eat gum! They chew it and taste it until the taste goes away! Oh! And there are so many flavors of gum! I had almost forgotten until now! You’re right, though… We can’t eat this soap… But I bet there’s a candy store nearby! What kind of flavors do you think they’ll have…?”

This Daniel was entirely new… It was like watching a child wearing his face. There was a wonder there, almost infectious, and Simon resolved to see more of it from him. This was… not what he was made for, but what he wanted to do with his life… To see people… becoming happy… Becoming themselves… And Daniel seemed more at peace here than he had anywhere else in all the time Simon had known him. 

“There’s a candy store one floor up, if you wanna see what they’ve got… Is bubblegum your favorite flavor of gum, or just your favorite thing to taste…?”

Daniel looked up at Simon from the box he’d been holding and nodded eagerly. 

“The best one I had was… It was a weird one! Emma said it tasted like ice cream, but I’ve never tasted ice cream in that flavor… Mint with chocolate chips. How do you think they make ice cream into gum…? It’s great for Androids to try things like that!”

“I’m not sure, Dan… Want to go see if this place has any flavors you haven’t tried…?”

Smiling--actually smiling a genuine smile--, Daniel ran up to Simon, ready to follow, and feel… joy… As they ascended the escalator, Simon did feel nervous, especially since, while Daniel stood beside him, they were surrounded, trapped on the machine by humans from the front and from behind. But Daniel seemed so… content, that Simon tried to keep his anxieties to himself. And thankfully, they managed to step off the escalator without being accosted. The candy store wasn’t exactly hard to find. It was the only room within view that looked like it was designed by a unicorn on crack. Two barbershop poles adorned either side of the door, striped with rainbow colors like those elongated swirl lollipops, with a curtain of multicolored gummi bears to cross through instead of a door. It was the last place Simon would have expected Daniel to want to be if he weren’t here to see his reaction in person.


	154. Taste Good Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daniel has chewing gum.

Daniel immediately grabbed a plastic baggie, as if by some previously dormant muscle memory, and began to use the tiny metal trowels to shovel different flavors of gum into it. He hadn’t even seemed to notice the other kids in the store as he rushed to purchase the candies once his baggie had been filled. Simon could feel their parents staring at Daniel and him, but he tried to ignore it. Daniel was happy. That was why they were here… Still, he did feel a tinge of relief when Daniel grabbed his arm and pulled him out of the candy store and into a quieter nearby section of the mall to sit and enjoy his bounty. 

“Which flavor do you wanna try first…? Do you have any favorites…? You seem like a watermelon guy to me… Do you like watermelon...?”

“I… don’t know… I’ve never had gum… But I once tasted watermelon with some human children for the Fourth of July… It was… a bit understated…”

“Oh! So you want something sweeter…? This one is creamsicle! It’s also based on ice cream, just like my favorite. It’s like fruity and creamy, but super sweet and a little tangy and good!”

Daniel placed a wrapped piece of chewing gum into Simon’s palm, awaiting his reaction as he unwrapped the gum, and placed it in his mouth… Chewing it was… different than he had expected… Like, it wasn’t chewy or sticky… He always thought of gum as the sticky rubbery stuff kids blew bubbles with… It made his mouth water as the taste grew stronger, but he couldn’t manage to make it the right consistency he’d been expecting. His jaw began to burn from the way he was chewing, and his mouth continued to water, and he didn’t know what to do with it, and the gum had finally become sticky and malleable, so that he could feel it clogging his mouth like a gag so he couldn’t scream as the thirium would overflow, spilling from the gunshot, and-- 

“Spit it out if you don’t like it, Si…”

Spit it out…? Right… Right… Gum… Simon spat the gum back into the wrapper, shuddering at the unpleasantness of the sensation as he came back to himself. 

“‘Dun l’k--I’don--“

Simon swallowed thickly, his mouth and throat still somehow wrong from the stuff. 

‘I… don’t think I like this gum thing very much… More for you, I guess… I’m sorry...’

“Oh… Okay… Well, would you mind if I try one…?”

‘Of course… Enjoy… Have as many as you want… Just… not for me…’

“I think this one is root beer flavor! I’ve never had root beer before… Oh, no wait… Root beer float! With ice cream! Even better!”

Daniel quickly unwrapped the piece of gum, and stuffed it into his mouth. He could already taste the flavor in his mouth, and it… tasted good…? It did taste good, but… It didn’t… feel right…? Maybe he just needed more… Hastily, he unwrapped another… and another… and another… until his mouth was too full to chew… 

‘Dan, remember, if you don’t like it, you can spit it out… Your eyes are watering; I think that’s a sign…’

Daniel shook his head, trying harder to chew the unchewable mass in his mouth. 

‘Daniel, stop! You’re clearly not enjoying that!’

Daniel forced himself to spit the wad of gum onto the table in front of them.

“This gum is broken, Simon! Or maybe these are just… These were just bad flavors… They taste good, but they’re broken… I still do have some mint-chip… Let me try those!”

Placing a piece of mint-chip gum in his mouth, Daniel chewed it more violently than Simon had thought to be mechanically possible. He cracked it with his tongue, forming and popping bubbles in his mouth, again and again, until all the fervor with which he tried to enjoy the gum had slowly begun to wane… Simon realized Daniel’s eyes weren’t tearing up from the sensation; Daniel was outright crying… Without warning, he spat the piece of gum into his hand, and tried to fling it across the hall, only for it to stick to his synthetic skin. Angrilly, he brushed his palm against his pants, until all that remained was a sticky residue, before shooting up and bolting off to nowhere in particular. He just wanted to get away from--

“Simon!”

He hadn’t thought Simon was well enough to keep up with him. 

‘Daniel…’

Simon wiped his tongue off on the back of his gloved hand, and swallowed once more, before trying his voice again. 

“You can’t just run off like that! You might get lost. Talk to me… What’s wrong…?”

“Piss off! Don’t act like you give a damn!”

“Of course I give a damn! Daniel, you’re my friend. What’s upset you all the sudden…?”

“It’s this fucking gum! I hate it! All of it! It’s broken! It-it’s bad gum!”

Simon took the bag of candy from him, and smiled calmly. 

“That’s okay... You don’t have to have any if you don’t like it…”

“N-no! No! It’s supposed to feel good! L-like it tastes fine, but it doesn’t feel good! I mean, physically it feels fine, but it feels… hollow… empty… fake… I-it’s fake Simon… It’s always been fake...”

“Maybe it’s the sweetener they used, but that’s no reason to get so worked up. Here, let’s… let’s sit down…”

Daniel didn’t fight back as Simon guided him to the corner of a private little corridor, and sat him back against the wall. 

“I don’t want to stay at New Jericho anymore…”

“That’s okay, Dan… You don’t have to…”

“...A-and don’t call me Dan! I-I don’t like it… when you call me that…”

Simon raised his hands in the air deferentially. 

“Okay, Daniel. I won’t call you that.”

“I don’t like it when you call me that… Be-because… when you call me, that it feels… like you want me… Want me to stick around… Like you won’t get sick of me and throw me away… B-but then I see myself… And I’m just an idiot stuffing gum into my face and hoping it’ll feel like it used to, back before I felt so empty…”

“Thank you, Daniel… It… it’s good that you were able to tell me that… How you feel, I mean… Not because I need to know. You don’t owe me or anyone else to say how you feel about anything, but it’s good to, just because… It’s not good for you to keep things like this to yourself… And now we can talk about it… About this… I can’t speak for whatever anyone else is thinking in terms of your future residence, although I do know that I would be in favor of you continuing to live in New Jericho should you so choose, even after you get your life sorted out. But that aside, I know I can tell you with 100% certainty, that the way we act around you is genuine. We enjoy your company, Daniel, and we do care about you… None of us are so adept at masking our true thoughts and feelings that we could pretend to feel one way if we truly felt another. And even if you, for whatever reason, choose not to live with us, you could still be one of us… Like Kara, Luther, Alice, and Ralph… We still have family dinners with them all the time. Hell, Markus even has some of Alice’s doodles in his studio along with his own… We… we don’t get rid of people here at New Jericho…”

Simon tried not to question that last part. He was getting better, and he knew the others cared, so shouldn’t that have been proof enough…? Seeing Daniel like this hurt… It was messing with his head… Like something was wrong… Something more needed to be done… Placing a firm hand on Daniel’s shoulder, Simon waited for him to look up and meet his eyes. 

“And, Daniel… A personal vow from me to you… I will never leave you behind…”

PL600s… The left behind… A brotherhood forged of a common obsolescence. That was what Simon had felt, and somehow, he knew Daniel had felt it too. There was a power to the bond, almost tangible, so that when Simon removed his hand from Daniel’s shoulder to offer in front of him, Daniel found himself drawn to accept it, allowing Simon to help him back onto his feet. 

“...when will it stop tasting wrong…? will it ever taste good again…?”

He sounded like a frightened child… Only Simon was the last person who could give a reassuring answer to such a question. 

“I… I don’t know, Daniel… I don’t know… But… you should be better than me… I know you should… So just be patient, and… try… Like, I’m trying to trust the world… I think you should too…”

“...I don’t trust the world… But… I think I’ve started to trust you…”


	155. Aesthetic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Daniel go to Hot Topic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was hella fun to write. 
> 
> It was inspired by both my longstanding headcanon that Daniel would vibe with Toy Story and the idea that Simon would not get the whole Hot Topic scene.
> 
> For help trying to understand what Simon's feeling, idk if any of y'all take psych medication, but in writing this chapter from Simon's pov, I was trying to channel the feel of walking into a Hot Topic on a day where you forget to take your anxiety medication so it feels like every atom in your body is vibrating too fast. (Yes, that's a thing)

They must have been in the children’s wing of the mall, because the next store down was a Build a Bear stuffed animal workshop, but this time, Daniel wasn’t drawn to the bright colors. To the contrary, he actually found himself pulling towards the one center of darkness in the area. The shop looked like something he’d expect preteen vampires to frequent, the perfect mix of faded denim, black pleather, and cartoon characters. It was like whiplash, really, and Simon couldn’t understand to whom the stuff was marketed, except, he supposed, Daniel… The minute he walked in the door, he was hit by a loud guitar chord coupled with a sudden burst of drums that sent him jumping an inch above the ground. But as suddenly as the sound came, it went, giving way to a soft, almost whispery voice… Emo music from the turn of the century… So Hot Topic was one of those stores...

> _~~I'm tired of being what you want me to be_
> 
> _Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface~~_

He… did vibe with the sound, the subtlety to it, almost helpless, and the words were definitely resonant…

“Simon, what do you think of these…? I know you don’t have anything like them at home, but… Is purple too ostentatious…? Maybe burgundy would be better…?”

“Why don’t you try both… See what you like?”

Simon hadn’t expected Daniel to be into the ripped jeans aesthetic, although that was probably more projection than anything else… He would hate for anyone to see his own legs through the fabricated tears, scarred and hideous against any color, purple, burgundy, aquamarine, or otherwise. 

> _~~I don't know what you're expecting of me_
> 
> _Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes_
> 
> _Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow_
> 
> _Every step that I take is another mistake to you~~_

Simon wasn’t sure he liked it here… The store made his chest feel tight… Maybe it was the dim lighting… It wasn’t dark, per se, but the lighting was dim…. Still, he stood and watched as Daniel went around, amassing a collection of products in his hands…. He seemed to be debating between different colors of hair dye at the moment, a common symbolic display of independence in deviants, but then he looked back at Simon, and set down the dyes, apparently opting to keep his original color… He swiped a ton of nail polish, and a packet of ear cuffs… Like a child going through some sort of punk phase… It would be weird to bring him home like this… Surely the others would be surprised… Come to think of it, he wasn’t sure anyone at New Jericho had met any other PL600s before Daniel, so it wouldn’t be a stretch to guess they’d figured they all were as meek and passive as Simon… What would Markus think, coming home to Daniel like… this… Rebellious and wild and loud…. Getting better more quickly… Productive and bold… 

> _~~I've become so numb, I can't feel you there_
> 
> _Become so tired, so much more aware_
> 
> _By becoming this all I want to do_
> 
> _Is be more like me and be less like you~~_

The man singing in the loudspeaker held a note, before raising his voice to more of a shout, than anything else… Numb… He… got the idea of being too tired… Tired, yet somehow not, and the absence of people….The inability to feel… He couldn’t judge shit, and even though Daniel was only a few feet away, he already felt alone. Alone in the darkness….

“Okay, so I think I’m going to hop into a dressing room and try this on… Could you… Would you wanna come with me…?”

Simon stepped forward almost robotically, almost as if controlling his body remotely, looking down on himself from afar… Like his true self was alone in a dark room, with only a single light to see the real world below him. 

“Yes, Daniel. Of course…”

Simon’s body followed Daniel into a dressing room, and he watched as Daniel threw on outfit after outfit. He seemed to love all the pleather pants and dyed jeans, especially the ones with tears and studs… Studded belts, and studded collar necklaces, and rubber bracelets and wristbands creeping halfway up his forearms. 

“So, Si, what do you think…? Which do you like best…?”

Simon blinked in confusion, before he came to realize Daniel was talking to him. 

“Oh… I… uh… I mean they all look nice… I don’t know… Are you having trouble finding tops…?”

Daniel looked at the pile of clothes he’d set on the bench beside him and frowned.

“No…? I guess I’ve just liked all the pants and accessories so much that I’ve overlooked the tops… I saw a few tees of bands I’ve never heard of, but maybe they do have more than that… I should probably do another lap around… Come with…?”

“Yeah… Let’s see what we can find… There are other stores too if you don’t want anything from here…”

There was something weird about this place…. It made him too aware of the beat of his thirium pump in his chest… except it wasn't his…

> _~~This is gospel for the fallen ones_
> 
> _Locked away in permanent slumber_
> 
> _Assembling their philosophies_
> 
> _From pieces of broken memories~~_

Simon started to fall as his stress response peaked at the sudden reverberating tone, staticky and robotic like the voice of death itself. He barely caught himself against a clothing rack as he realized it must have been the start of another song… Who chose the music for this place anyway…? 

‘Don’t say anything, Si… Don’t look now, but look to your right… Those girls…’

‘Y-you just told me not to look? Is it something bad…? And if I can’t look now when can I look?’

‘No! You can look but don’t be obvious… Like no creepy staring, but…’

Simon subtly turned aside, to find two middle-school age girls comparing sizes of a tee shirt with a silhouette of Markus printed on the front, and giggling. 

“I read a manga about something like this a few years ago, but I never thought it would happen! You know, it’s so weird how all the old sci fi classics were about Androids, but now Androids are people… Like, it’s so cool! We are sci fi! Only I don’t think anyone would’ve thought robots would be so sexy!”

Simon hid a smirk with the back of his hand. Cute kids… Well, at least they had good taste… He continued to pay attention to their conversation until his stress response fell again, so that he could reach for a nearby necklace to purchase. He quickly scanned the barcode, and stuffed it in his pants pocket.

“Do you think once we meet aliens, they’ll be sexy too?”

“Look, just because you have a body pillow of the Doctor in your bedroom doesn’t mean Time Lords actually exist… Besides… Not all the incarnations of the doctor were sexy… And most of them were old enough to be your parents! Plus, even if they're sexy, they probably wouldn’t care to get with you…”

“Oh yeah! Well Markus is real and he doesn’t even know you exist! I heard he doesn’t even like girls!”

“He does too! Girls and guys! Just ‘cuz he likes one doesn’t mean he can’t like the other also!”

“Even if he does, doesn’t he have a boyfriend already…? Another Android… Remember, they were on the news together a while back…?”

Daniel rolled his eyes and tried to pass the girls, when one pointed at him.

“Like that guy! Hey, Mister! You look just like this man’s boyfriend…”

She held the shirt out in front of Daniel, but he simply brushed it aside with his hand.

“Nope. Same model wrong guy… But do heed your tongue… I’ve heard rumors that Markus’ boyfriend has been known to frequent the area on occasion…”

Simon snickered. Ordinarily, he’d have preferred for Daniel not to imply that he might be around… He didn’t like people knowing who he was… It made him feel uncomfortably vulnerable. But the irony made the situation surprisingly comical… Plus these were only children…

“Woah! Cool! I bet we can meet all of Jericrew if we come here often enough then! Thanks, Mister!”

Well, it looked like he wouldn’t be dropping by this mall again any time soon… Still, it wasn’t like they really came here often anyway…

“And one last tip, kids… Don’t go around asking every PL600 if they’re the specific one who’s hooking up with Markus… It’s kinda rude… Don’t you think…?”

“Oh… Okay! Will do… I’ve just never seen one before… And you have the blue on your face like he does…”

“Yeah, but so does that guy… And Markus’ boyfriend didn’t have it on his forehead… Maybe they’re like birthmarks…” The second girl mused, pointing in Simon’s direction.

Simon winced… He could feel the ghosts of their eyes scanning him up and down, until-- Two clicks and he was on the ground, the clothing rack he’d been leaning on having fallen across his chest. 

“Simon! Shit!”

Daniel hissed, righting the clothing rack before taking Simon’s arm in an attempt to drag him out of view. 

> _~~'Cause these words are knives that often leave scars_
> 
> _The fear of falling apart~~_

“Simon! That’s his name! I knew he looked familiar! Wait, are you two brothers?”

“Fuck off, kid!”

Daniel snapped, chafing at the familiar term. 

“Omigod this is so exciting! Can we get a photo? Just one for my lockscreen! It’d be so cool! All my friends would be so j--“

“Did you not hear me? Buy your shit and get out of here! No one needs you causing a scene!”

Daniel hoisted Simon into the air, and carried him quickly back into the dressing room where he’d left his stuff. 

“I’m just going to grab some shirts, then I’ll buy this shit, and we’ll get out of here… Sorry… I didn’t expect those damn brats to… Whatever… Just stay here until I come back…”

Simon found his lips forming those damned silenced words as Daniel closed the door behind him, leaving Simon alone with himself. 

> _~~Oh, the fear of falling apart_
> 
> _Oh, the fear, the fear of falling apart~~_

The song ended on a flatline, and Simon fought against the overwhelming sense that somehow it was a premonition… These kids would post all about their encounter with him on social media, and everyone would be so pissed with him, and how useless he was that he couldn’t even go to the mall right without getting spotted, and making an ass of himself… The others would be fine… He had to remember not to be afraid of them or their reactions… They cared about him, he knew that… But it was hard to remember alone like this… It was dimly lit, and he couldn’t move, and he was all alone… He didn’t want to be here… He didn’t want to be here right now… He just wanted to be safe at home in bed. He wanted to be with Markus… He wanted to not be so scared all the time… His thirium pump stopped as he could hear something manipulating the handle of the door. Damn it! He was already dead inside… He didn’t want to disappear completely!

“Simon…? Are you crying…?”

Daniel! It was just Daniel…

“You are… Simon, the kids are gone… And the Jerry at the counter scanned me up front and gave me these bags so I could pack my own shit from here and we can leave without incident… We’ll go home, now… We’re just going home…”

Daniel wormed his way out of his clothes, and into some of the new clothes he’d bought himself, before bagging the rest of what he’d purchased. After a moment to admire his own reflection in the changing room mirror, he wrapped a scarf around Simon’s face, hiding the blue of his jaw.

“You really oughta cover that up… It is a fairly distinctive marking…”

‘...n-not many people survive a self-inflicted gunshot to the head…’

“Think you can stand now…? I can carry these bags, and I can get you a chair if need be, but I think that might call more unwanted attention…”

Simon shakily rose to his feet, and turned to Daniel.

‘Y-you look nice… I didn’t know you like Toy Story…?’

“Shit was ahead of its time… That spork guy was a mood…”

Of course… The theme of feeling like family… Giving unconditional love to humans who didn’t reciprocate… Who saw them as replaceable… Where not fitting in or having a niche just made them trash…

‘I don’t think that’s healthy for you, Daniel…’

“Well tough shit; I’m not returning it… Besides… Dark humor never killed anyone… And it looks good on me… C’mon… Let’s get out of here…"


	156. Dangerous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Daniel discuss family.

Daniel seemed somehow tenser… Simon knew something was wrong, but he didn’t know how to address it… Daniel appeared to be biting back a jeer at a child who eagerly ran out of the Build a Bear store ahead of his parents, an oversized plush hugged close to his chest. But when the kid bumped into his legs, oblivious to whatever was in his way, Daniel’s patience had run out entirely… 

“Keep out of the way, moron! Shit like this is why your parents don’t love you enough to keep track of where you’re going!” 

The child’s eyes grew wide, and he burst into tears, hugging the bear tighter as he wailed at the top of his lungs. Daniel kept moving ahead, but Simon turned back towards the child with three clicks of his tongue. 

“Shh…. Shhh… No, sweetie… Your parents love you very much… You’re very loved, and very smart, and I’m sorry my brother said those mean things, but he didn’t mean them… What’s your little friend’s name…?”

The child sniffled. 

“I-I’m Michael… And this is Mr. Bear-bear… I-I just made him… I made him all by myself…”

“I’m sure you did… And look what a wonderful job you did, Michael… Such a beautiful bear… And if you just made him, then isn’t today his birthday…?”

“Y-yeah… I guess it is...”

“Oh, wow! Well, Happy birthday, Mr. Bear-bear! Are you going to throw him a party…?”

Michael wiped away his tears and nodded. 

“Yeah... I-I love parties! Parties with cake!”

“Wonderful! Well, I’m sure you’ll throw him a lovely party… So why don’t you go back to find your parents and tell them all about the party you’re going to have…”

“Yeah! I’ll do that! Mama! Papa!”

Simon waited for the boy to meet with who he assumed to be his parents, before rushing to catch up with Daniel. 

“That wasn’t a very nice thing to say, Daniel…”

“Do I look like I give a shit…? The kid was in our way… Like he didn’t even think we existed… And the kid’s gotta learn some day that his parents probably only love him because they’re supposed to… It’ll hurt less if he learns sooner rather than later…”

“Daniel, I’m sure that boy’s parents love him very much…”

“You don’t know that… Fuck! I still can't get over how that shitty girl from the store thought we were brothers…”

“Would that be so bad…?”

Daniel ran a weary hand through his hair. 

“Yes! No! I-I don’t know… You know I don’t want a family, Simon! Except I do! I-I don't know what I want, really, but… I… don’t want to get attached… I could… like being with you guys… I could get used to it… And I don’t want to because-- ”

“It’s dangerous…” Simon finished. 

“What would you know…?” Daniel snapped. “You said you weren’t with just one human family… Surely you couldn’t have become attached if you were passed around like that…”

“Human family, no… But… I’ve had a family to call my own… I do know what it’s like, more than you know…”

Daniel let the tension hang in the air. He didn’t want to risk Simon collapsing in the middle of the mall again, and wherever this conversation would go, at the very least, it could wait until they made their way back to the auto… Simon held his breath as they finally approached the elevator, but he froze once they arrived at the doors to the parking lot. 

“Simon…?”

“I… I don’t like it… The dark… I-I can tell you why once we get… to the auto… But I don’t like… And I know it’s stupid, but--“

Simon yelped as Daniel grabbed his arm and pulled him out into the parking lot to look for an auto. The darkness and the hand made it difficult for him to remember that the hand was attached to a friendly face. Still, he managed to keep on his feet until Daniel all but tossed him into the passenger seat of the vehicle. 

“Eyes up, look alive, Simon… Come on!”

“D-daniel… Y-you startled me… You just--I mean because--“

“You don’t like the parking garage, so I figured I’d drag you through it instead of just having you get stuck like when we came in… Look, I’m shit at picking up cues and stuff, but I felt like you were going to tell me what’s up…? Like about how you supposedly get me and shit… Or were you just going to leave me hanging…?”

Simon hesitated, before retracting the skin on his arm, still in Daniel’s grip. 

“Take… From the time I arrived at Jericho until… Until before we met… But just a warning… It’s a lot… Markus couldn’t handle it… So please… if you need to stop for stress level or whatever… Just… I probably won’t be able to stop you if you try to…”

Daniel rolled his eyes and retracted the skin on his own hand, quickly taking in everything he could access. Jericho was dull, and Simon was clearly gay for Markus… Stratford Tower wasn’t long after they’d met… And… Oh… That was… bad… North, Josh… Markus, even! Waking up blind at the DPD… Connor… Keeping the burdensome secret on his own, then with Markus… Surprise: He wasn’t dead! The Center started, and…. Nines… And then the connection cut out. 

“It was Stratford…” Daniel whispered, finally understanding. 

“Are you okay, Daniel…?”

“That… that makes sense… And even after… even with Nines, it was… reinforcement… You had a family… And now… you’re not so sure… You knew that humans could do that to other Androids, but Androids to each other…? Especially when you had created the family… You’d been the one who started everything and… Simon, why did you come back…?”

“What do you mean, Daniel…?”

“You heard me… Why did you come back to New Jericho…? Why did you just… pretend everything was okay? Why aren’t you angry?!? Why don’t you want revenge?!? They left you to die! To worse than die! Your scars--you tried to end it! And Connor still found you and-- Simon they fucked you up, abandoned you, wronged you, and you internalized their shit! You should’ve condemned the lot of them! Spoken out! Told everyone what happened until they saw justice! Everyone should know you were a martyr to the cause, but more than that, you were a victim of the cause! A victim of your family! Simon, why don’t you see this…?”

“...I knew the risks and I went anyway… it… wasn’t anyone’s fault… and besides… I… I love them… And I love Jericho… I love our cause and our people, and I wouldn’t wish them ill…”

Daniel clenched his jaw, tears in his eyes as he shook his head disdainfully. 

“Daniel, please, I’m okay now… I-I know I look like a mess, but I am getting better… What’s past is past…”

“Shut up, Simon!”

Simon flinched at the bitterness in his tone. 

“Daniel…?”

“Shut up! I-I need to think! I don’t want to talk to you, or to anyone else until I just get some fucking time to think!”

“Think about what…? Daniel, I’m only worried about you… I don’t want you to wind up hurt…”

“I’m fine! I’m not a baby! My stress level’s only at 71%, so it’s not like I’m in any danger… It’s a free country, and we’re a free people! So I can get a fucking minute to think without being persecuted by you or your backwards world of New Jericho!”

Simon couldn’t think of how to engage Daniel further after that… He was right, but Simon still had this nagging feeling that something more needed to be said… Daniel looked scared… Confused… Angry, somehow, but not how Simon would have expected… Something was wrong, but he couldn’t think of anything to fix it… So the auto silently arrived at New Jericho, at which point Daniel stormed off to Markus’ room, leaving Simon to wonder what more he could do…


	157. Road Less Traveled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daniel looks back on the road he took.

‘North…? Josh…? Could I take Daniel’s shift for the night…? He’s… not well right now… He’s got some… heavy stuff on his mind…’

‘North and I’ve got it from here… I don’t think we’ll be seeing anything of note, regardless of how many people sit watch… I take it Daniel went to speak with you…?’

‘I… I didn’t… We went shopping… He didn’t have clothes, so I thought… But then… He had… He… got caught up thinking… And now he’s…. decompressing… Do you need… Are you sure you don’t need for me to--‘

‘Rest, Simon. I know you’ve had a busy day… The conference alone…’

‘You don’t know I was watching the conference…’

‘Yeah, well, I do know Markus wouldn’t have shared what he did if not for you… Plus, he was definitely messaging someone outside of our conference channel for advice, and it’s not hard to guess who that could have been…’ 

‘Oops…’

‘You’re not as sly as you think, Simon… Now, get some rest…? You’ll wanna be awake when he gets home tomorrow morning…'

‘...thanks, Josh…’

‘No problem…’

Roughly nine hours, and Markus would be on a plane home… Simon would meet him at the airport, wearing Daniel’s new scarf and a hat as enough of a cover… He’d leave Markus’ jacket behind, since it would obviously be a dead giveaway as to their identities… Besides, he wouldn’t need it anyway… He’d have the real thing back to hold…. He did feel bad about leaving Daniel behind the way he was… But he needed to greet Markus at the airport… He’d been so tired, and he needed to feel Markus in his arms… Still, concerned, he lingered at the door of Markus’ room, debating on whether or not he should at least check on Daniel before turning in for the night… Unconsciously, he knocked at the door, and Daniel opened it for him, a surprisingly placid look on his face. 

“Do you need something…?”

“I--ummm… No… No, I’m fine… I was just… checking in before I go to bed… I’m leaving early tomorrow morning to meet Markus at the airport, so I just wanted to let you know and make sure you were okay…”

“I’m fine, Simon… I’m just… thinking…  _ Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both _ … Emma’s second grade teacher was into memorizing short poems… Robert Frost… I doubt he knew much about roads… And he never told where either led… I would have liked to have known back then… To have known which road to take… Except life isn’t like a road… Not really, anyway… Because you can’t go back; you can only go forward… Like those old side-scrolling video games… What if both roads converged at the end… Two roads converging into an open field. A field of countless possibilities, limited only by the way the travelers had arrived to this final destination… The opportunities and lack thereof all out in one place, far as the eye can see… It’s almost suffocating… Like everything takes up so much room that there’s no room for air to breathe… Do regrets have mass…? Would those add to the field…? You could reconstruct an entire civilization right there with all there is… make a world, unthinkably better than the world we live in, with just the infinite and yourself. And the roads… It’s imperative not to forget the roads…”

Daniel stared off almost wistfully, and Simon had to take a moment to think. Daniel didn’t sound upset… He wasn’t angry anymore… And the idea of an open field… Making the world better… That… was good, right…? He was impossible to read.

“So you’re okay, then…? Just making sure…”

“Yes, Simon… Thank you…”

“Well… Get some rest… Don’t stay up too late thinking…”

“Of course… Thank you, Simon…”

Daniel nodded back with a smile, and Simon felt comfortable returning to his room. He took the necklace he’d bought out of his pocket and ran his finger over the embossed image on the front of the pendant. Now wasn’t the right time… He wanted to give it to Daniel when everyone was home to see… And at the right time… It was going to be meaningful… He placed it in the pocket of Markus’ trench coat so they would remember… 

‘I’ll see you when the plane lands, my love… I can’t wait… Sleep well…’

Simon wrapped himself again in the jacket, which somehow still smelled like Markus, even after two very long days. His last night going to sleep alone… They’d made it...


	158. Make Me Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon knows North can’t make him better.

> _ When Simon opened his eyes, he was alone in the mall… Not alone, like without Daniel… Alone like alone entirely… The entire mall was empty. No kids at the candy story, no Jerry at the counter of the Hot Topic, no little boy wandering out of the Build a Bear… Only Simon didn’t feel alone… somehow he had the unsettling feeling he was being watched… Everywhere he went the walls were lined with graffiti he knew hadn’t been there before…  _
> 
> _ At every corner, in every doorway, cartoon eyes big and small were hastily painted in black, red and blue Xs crossing through the “pupils”. Only it was worse than that… The paint was always fresh, to the point where he could smell the aerosols from the can, as if someone had known he was here, keeping just a step ahead of him to set up a trail . How did they know where he was going to go? And why couldn’t he see them…? Maybe he could trick them… Fake them out by starting toward one direction, only to spontaneously dart toward another. He would breathe, and keep his stress response down, and he could run… He would find a way to get out of here… He would go home, and he would be safe… It was okay… Everything would be okay… _
> 
> _ Resolving to act, Simon attempted to backpedal as far as he could go, only to wind up tripping on his own feet, and falling back onto the ground, hard. His head hurt as he tried to fight against a wave of vertigo to lift himself back onto his feet, but his stress level finally peaked once he caught sight of the ceiling above him. An eye, directly overhead, paint still wet, so that a slow, thick drip of blue began to fall, hitting him right between his eyes. He was beginning to panic. He couldn’t move! He needed to get out of here, but even if he could move, they seemed to know exactly what he’d do and when he’d do it.  _
> 
> _ “S-show yourself! P-please…? What do you want…?” _
> 
> _ Trembling from head to toe, Simon couldn’t see faces, but he could see the legs and feet of what looked to be tall spindly humans looming over him, circling like predators coming in for the kill. _
> 
> _ “You should hate yourself” _
> 
> _ One of the voices… He didn’t understand…  _
> 
> _ “It’s been months…” _
> 
> _ “You still don’t trust your own family” _
> 
> _ “You fucked up” _
> 
> _ “You fucked up Daniel…” _
> 
> _ “You fucked up Jericho…” _
> 
> _ “You fucked up everyone…” _
> 
> _ “Markus has to come home to your shit…” _
> 
> _ “This conference was just a vacation from you…” _
> 
> _ “You fucked up…” _
> 
> _ “Weak, pathetic, broken…” _
> 
> _ “You’re not wanted at work…” _
> 
> _ “You’re not needed at home…” _
> 
> _ “Everything is your fault… Your fault…” _
> 
> _ “We see… Everyone can see…” _
> 
> _ “Selfish, spineless, coward…” _
> 
> _ A faceless circler spat in his face, but he still didn’t dare move… Even if they hadn’t been threatening him, he wouldn’t have moved; he knew it was true… _
> 
> _ “Make me better then… Tell me how I can be better!” _
> 
> _ Just like that, those two sentences were all it took for the circlers to disperse. Simon found his way to his knees, and felt a burning need to keep them around. Desperate, he crawled forward and blindly grabbed a leg, clinging to it. _
> 
> _ “Please, don’t go! Make me better! I-I want to be better! Help me! Y-you see me! You can help! How can I be better?” _
> 
> _ He pleaded for them to stay, but the leg lifted from the ground and stepped forward, followed by its partner, until, walking forward, the human to whom the legs belonged had begun to drag his pathetic body across the coarsely carpeted floor.  _

“No! Let go, Simon! C’mon! Don’t be a bitch! Get up!”

> _ That last voice… it sounded like… _

“...North…?”

Simon awoke to find himself tightly gripping his bedsheets, half-suspended in the air as North seemed to be trying to pull them away from him… 

“Finally! He awakens… Y’know… You’re lucky Daniel’s a heavy sleeper… You were screaming loud enough that I heard you from the living room…”

“I was… screaming…?”

“Yup… What was this one about…?”

“This one…?”

“Whatever was going on in your head that had you screaming in your sleep…”

Simon looked aside, embarrassed. 

“I… It’s nothing… I’m fine… Go back to… whatever you were doing before…”

“You were begging someone to stay… To make you better…? Doesn’t sound fine to me… Better at what…?”

Simon rose from the bed and folded his arms. 

“I-it’s really nothing… Just… anger, I guess… Self-directed… Nothing serious… Just a less than friendly atmosphere that made the vibe less than pleasant… You know how dreams are… But I am fine…”

“Self-improvement type shit…? Well… Yesterday was pretty good… For whatever that’s worth…”

Humming half-heartedly, Simon met North’s eyes. 

“It wasn’t good enough… There were moments… And even right now… My thirium pump… It’s going so fast… It hurts… Like, I’m trying to use my mind to will it to slow… My mind’s hand is holding it, and squeezing as hard as it can, but… all that does is hurt and tire… I’m tired… It’s hard to stop my heart...”

“For me it was my heart holding my hands… I had to make my heart’s hands hold my hands back to keep from lashing out… I was really stabby when I first came to Jericho… I swear, it was instinct, almost… Something to unlearn… So… I get it… I do…”

“You can’t make me better… I know you can’t… It’s kinda funny… How even in my sleep, I’m tired…”

“I can’t make you better…” North agreed.

Somehow the truth was comforting, although Simon didn’t understand exactly why… But there was a bizarre sense of solidarity in the mutual acknowledgement. 

“So… you’re good here…? Don’t want you picking up Markus if you’re not…”

Simon relaxed slightly. 

“Yeah… I… I really am fine… But… now I do think I’m more fine… Than I was when I woke up, I mean… So thank you for that…”

“No problem… Going to go back to sleep for a two hour power nap or…?”

“No… I should probably prepare… Markus should be heading to the airport in DC any minute for check-in… would you like help with the monitors in a half hour…? I shouldn’t need more than that to get dressed and cover my scars…”

“Y’know what…? Sure… You can join me for an hour before you leave if you want… But I’m pretty confident that if nothing’s happened so far, this last leg of the trip will be just as uneventful…”

“Cool… I’ll be there…”


	159. Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon is getting better.

Simon waited for North to leave, before heading to the closet to pick out some fresh clothes for the day. He couldn’t seem to find any clean button-down shirts… Had Markus packed the last of them with him…? He couldn’t fit a normal shirt over his neckbrace, and he didn’t want to spend time tailoring a new shirt to accommodate for it, now that he’d told North he’d join her… There wasn’t much that would work in the communal closet either, except what looked to be an oversized over washed synthetic woolen sweater… He tossed it over his head, letting it fall a little, the neckline slipping down over one of his shoulders, shapeless and odd… He wondered why this was here… It barely even qualified as clothes, and he couldn’t imagine anyone being able to make it look halfway decent… Still, that with a scarf and hat, and maybe some old sweat pants would have to do… Not the most visually appealing way to see Markus after having spent two days apart, but it’d do… Simon walked out to the living room, caught off guard by a burst of laughter. 

“What the actual hell, Simon?”

“I-I couldn’t find anything else…” Simon sheepishly avoided North’s gaze. 

“So you decided to wear my halter top…? Shit, Simon, I haven’t worn that thing since the revolution… And if you’re going to wear it, at least wear it right!”

North adjusted the shirt in such minuscule ways that Simon wasn’t sure it made any difference at all, but she did seem satisfied by the end. 

“You can’t pull this off, that’s for sure, but this is the best I can do for you… Still, at least you look inconspicuous… Not going to stand out in a crowd… Wanna check out the monitors…?”

“Sure…”

Simon followed North to the setup by the dining room table, like fifteen old-timey televisions each with a different setting, eight sections of what looked to be two different airports, two of short stretches of what Simon assumed to be the path Markus’ would take to exit his hotel room, and two of the plane Markus would take home… 

“This is good… Great set-up North…”

Simon didn’t know how they’d managed to plant all these cameras, but seeing them there certainly put him more at ease regarding Markus’ wellbeing… Plus, the longer he kept his eyes on the monitors, the more normal everything seemed… It was less like recon and more like watching random people pass through hallways… Guests checking in and out, some with children, some tourists, some locals, perhaps… Some flight attendants were cleaning the plane from the previous flight, and restocking their foodcart… There was a little puppy in an oversized vest labeled “TSA” with a little government emblem, doing some sort of sniffing training exercise, and Simon smiled to think of Markus coming across it at the airport, and being able to reward the tiny thing with some pats for a job well-done… Simon’s attention shifted as he could see the monitor displaying the entrance to Markus’ room change suddenly, the door swinging open for Markus and two other people-- Ryan and Chris, by the looks of it-- to exit the room, and head down the hall. 

“Markus just left his room… He’s heading down the hall…”

North nodded, her eyes shifting to the monitor of the hotel corridor.

“Noted… Thanks Simon...”

They followed Markus across the screens until he had stepped into an auto, effectively out of sight. 

‘I’m on my way to the airport, love. Did you sleep well…? I can’t wait to hold you again!’

‘I slept alright… And I know; I can see you… I’m watching the monitors. Less than two hours… I’ve missed you, Markus…’

‘I’m going to crash in our bed, and just hold you there for days… No getting up when you’re on cuddle time!’

Simon smiled. 

‘I’ll put it on my calendar… We should probably stop shamelessly flirting before Chris and Ryan or North realize we’re messaging each other for less than professional purposes… Oh… And heads up for the airport… Around the customs section by your gate, there’s a TSA puppy in training… A yellow lab by the looks of it, in case you wanna drop by for some puppy love…’

‘Thank you! I’ll be sure to check it out! Love you!’

‘Love you more! I'll see you soon!’

“Talking to someone…?”

North raised an eyebrow, keeping her gaze on the monitors. 

“Markus was just checking in and…”

“You were flirting… You get this dopey grin on your face clear enough that a blind person could see it… And even the slightest tint of blue shines out across your pasty skin…”

“I can’t help it that I’m pale! It’s my model… And… Is it really a crime to love my boyfriend…?”

“No, but it’s also not a crime for me to give you shit about it…”

“Touché…” 

Simon couldn’t help but feel at least a little proud that he was still alive to see Markus entering the airport… He hadn’t expected to be up and about, fully functional and… better… Not better as in completely better, but he was thinking better than he’d been thinking recently… While Markus was gone, he had been stronger than he’d expected he’d be… Not nearly strong enough, but in this one moment, it was clear that he was stronger… Markus would be pleasantly surprised at the state he’d be meeting him in… The positivity he felt was juvenile, sure, but he’d take it over the anxiety and insecurity he’d become accustomed to over the course of his sentient life. Contentedness was fleeting, so he’d bask in it while he could… It tinted the monitors with a lighter tone, as Markus walked through security, moving through the terminal to his gate… Simon waited for Markus to get on the plane, before finally getting up from his seat as it was announced the plane would depart. 

“I’m going to head to the airport now… Message me if you need anything?”

“I think I can handle myself for an hour or two… Try to hold off on the make out session until you’re on the way home…?”

Simon shot back a sly half-smile. 

“No promises… See you later, North…”


	160. Calm Before...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon meets Markus at the airport.

Humming an upbeat tune he couldn’t identify off-hand, Simon left for the auto waiting for him outside. Once inside, he leaned back in his seat. A half hour drive and he’d be at the airport… An hour and a half not to think of anything but Markus and how nice it would be to see his smile again… He had to admit, it was almost embarrassing how much he loved Markus… Not that it was embarrassing to love Markus… It seemed like half the world, or at least half the android population would want to get with him if they could, but… Simon was just so in love… Like with the person, not the name… Lots of people engaged in petty idol worship, but wasn’t infatuation for lovesick teenagers…? 

Like airport reunions… Why did that give him butterflies to think about…? So cliche, but… He almost wanted to meet Markus right at the runway and swing him around in a massive hug like those guys in old-timey movies… He was glad Markus liked him being so dorky… Two dorks in love made it so much easier… It made it so that moments where he was alone like this, embarrassed of the blush across his cheeks as he dreamt of the sappy life they’d share, felt slightly better… Because he could picture Markus blushing on the plane, coming up with bad pet-names and cheesy pick up lines to try out once he’d landed back in Detroit. Pickup lines…. He should have something clever set up for when Markus gets off the plane… What were some pick pickup lines about planes…? 

> _ We should depart from here and have a soft landing on my bed. _

Yeah! That one was good! It was sweet and witty, and he could say it in a deeper voice with a sly grin and a wink, maybe leaning on a wall with one arm, and a set of finger-guns… Like, with a whistle or that little tongue thing to call Markus’ attention in a sexy way… He would be super cute and then they’d make out in the car… And Markus wouldn’t even notice that he was effectively wearing a fluffy potato sack like a shirt because he had no clean formalwear left… How North managed to rock a shirt like this was beyond him… As the auto pulled into the parking lot--mercifully an outdoor one--, it occurred to Simon that he’d never actually been to an airport… Childish as it might seem, he wasn’t particularly fond of going to new places… Even though he knew from the cameras at home that nothing inherently suspicious was waiting for them at the airport, dangerous situations could be spontaneous… If his scarf slipped, or if someone noticed Markus, such a densely-populated area could very quickly become dangerous. And he hadn’t memorized the layout of the building… No… Calm thoughts… He was just a man picking up his boyfriend… Nothing scary or dangerous about that…

Hopping out of the auto, Simon took a breath to collect himself, secured his scarf, and walked inside… Markus would be arriving at Gate B, most likely within fifteen minutes… So he had fifteen minutes to find his way to the gate… Thankfully it was still early enough that there actually weren’t too many people around… The hardest part would be getting through security… He wasn’t actually sure how he’d manage that… Scanning the room, he spotted one TSA screening line with an Android agent… An ST300… The line was practically empty, so all he had to do was step up to her, and subtly place a skinless hand on her shoulder. 

_ Excuse me, ma’am, but I just want to pick my boyfriend up at his gate… He’s about to get back from a very important business conference, and I’ve been worried sick that he come home safely… _

_ Wait-- You’re-- Your boyfriend is--? _

_ Yes, but please, keep this to yourself…?  _

_ Of course Mr. Manfred… Continue along. Thank you both for everything… Really, thank you… _

_ No, thank you… _

Simon removed his hand from the woman’s shoulder and continued toward his gate… That went… more smoothly than he’d have expected… It was a long walk to get there, but he finally found the terminal at which Markus would arrive, and with five minutes to spare, no less… And he found the perfect pillar to lean on… Shifting his weight to practice flirtatiously posing, Simon fell against the pillar, and onto the ground, started by the sudden entrance of people through the side door. Had the plane landed early…? Catching a glimpse of Markus, Simon quickly pulled himself up, and brushed himself off, leaning awkwardly against the pillar with his forearm. 

“ _ Heyyyyyyy…” _

Simon winked in Markus’ direction, trying out the whole finger-gun clacking thing to catch his attention. 

> _ We should depart from here and have a soft landing on my bed. _

Shit! Why couldn’t he speak! He couldn’t get out the words!

“Si…? Simon, did you come all this way to meet me here?”

Markus flashed Simon a grin, and he realized he must have accidentally activated his mods.  Three more clicks, and he tried it again. 

“We should… uh we should… Land… from… departing bed..?”

Markus laughed and Simon’s heart melted entirely. 

“What…? What’s with you Si…?”

“I… I had a cool pick-up line and everything on the ready but, then I just blew it… I’m sorry…”

“Oh… Well, your wanderlust is overpowering…”

Markus planted a quick kiss on Simon’s lips.

“No fair that you get to be so smooth! Not okay!”

“You love me!”

“So I do…”

Simon took Markus’ hand-- it fit so well in his own--and more calmly headed for the exit. They enjoyed the warmth of the contact in silence until they’d entered the auto.

“Y’know you’ve been keeping tabs on me while I’ve been gone, but I’ve never gotten a chance to ask what you’ve been up to… Anything interesting at work…? Hear anything more about Jared and Ralph…?”

Simon sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck, looking down to avoid Markus’ eyes. 

“I… went to work… The first day at least… Like, when you left for the airport, I went to work… And… then I fell into the street getting out of the auto… I panicked… I couldn’t speak… Like, I… I think it’s a new stress response thing… That’s what Kara said anyway… So she took me home--I begged her not to… Then she ordered North to make sure I got some rest… I was banned from work until you got back… I only followed your conference by sneaking away to steal a projector for my room… The others wouldn’t let me leave my bed… They… thought I was terminal or something… Because I didn’t want to tell them that I did think I would die today, but not from some glitch or virus… I thought they were going to kill me, until I saw they were actually… worried that I might die… So then I tried to be better… I’m trying… Oh. And I took Daniel to the mall to get new clothes… Hot Topic is an evil place, and I strongly believe that if he needs more clothes, he order them online next time around…” 

“Simon! You should have told me! You spent all this time thinking they were going to kill you??? If you’d have just talked with me, I could have helped! You shouldn’t have--“

“You had a lot on your plate; I didn’t want to bother you… And I took care of it… I’m better now… So it’s really not that big a deal…”

“Not a big deal? You thought you were going to be murdered and were so afraid that you collapsed in the middle of the road! That’s a big fucking deal! Simon if there’s anything going on in your life, or anything weighing on your mind, I don’t care where I am or what I’ve got to do; You matter more to me than anything else… Got it…?”

“...got it…”

There was something incredibly dangerous about Markus. The way he could look at Simon, and lower his voice, sincerity in his eyes and his expression just so to make Simon feel like he was the most important person in Markus’ whole world… He really could get used to the feeling if he let himself… 

“So… Next, I have to ask… Nightmare Before Christmas…?”

“Huh…?”

“Your scarf… It’s got a printed pattern of that end scene where Sally and Jack kiss in black and white…”

Markus slipped the scarf off Simon’s neck and unfolded it to show him.

“Oh… I’ve… never seen that movie… Daniel bought it at Hot Topic, and used it to cover my scars, is all...…”

“Huh. I forget that most Androids didn’t use to live with humans who spent half their time painting, reading, or consuming turn of the century classics. We have to watch that together… Oh! We can cosplay Jack and Sally! Your eyes are so big and beautiful you’ll look perfect for it!”

“You know what…? If it’s vetted by you, I’ll watch anything… Date night…? Sound good…?”

“Sounds very good… So… Is this Daniel’s style now…? Emo middle schooler…?”

Simon laughed… It felt mean to say, but he had to admit, it was true...

”Hit the nail on the head… I’m… kind of worried about him to be honest…. He… he’s been kind of weird since we went to the mall… And then even weirder since we got home…”

“Well, we’re practically home… We can check on him once we get there… He’ll probably still be sleeping, but we can at least just see if he looks alright… Protip: If he’s not screaming or crying in his sleep, he might not be great, but it could be worse…”

“How astute of you, Markus…”

Bowing his head with a theatrical flick of his wrist, Markus snickered.

“I try…”

Markus waited for the car to stop before hopping eagerly out the door; it was so nice to be home again. 

Simon saw Markus’ smile, and his head went blank. Without thinking, he jumped from the car, flinging himself onto Markus below. Markus held him by the waist and spun him around and it was perfect. 

“I’ll set you down to check on Daniel, but after that, call in late to work, because you’re mine at least until noon!”

“No complaints here, love… Let’s hurry up, then, because I’m getting comfy in your arms!”

The front door swung open without warning, but Simon didn’t even notice, happily buried in Markus’ embrace. 

“Ohhh-kayyyy… I was going to say ‘welcome home’, but looks like you two still have some catching up to do… And let me tell you, I’m not going to ‘welcome’ you like that… Please, at least get to your room before you lose the pants…”

“Good to see you too, North!”

Markus smirked, leading Simon by the hand to Daniel’s room. Simon didn’t think to knock; they were basically just making sure he was sleeping soundly… And the door was already slightly ajar, so Simon just pushed it open a little more, and--


	161. Damn Daniel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daniel is confused, and Simon gets hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: (Unsuccessful Sucide Attempt) 
> 
> Will also be discussed in a few later chapters, but each triggering chapter will be individually tagged accordingly. 
> 
> If this might in any way upset you, please skip ahead to chapter 162, and then skip over chapters 163 and 164 to chapter 165 when it comes out and watch out for the beginning of chapter notes, or even just stop reading altogether if you need. 
> 
> Take care of yourselves! Stay safe and heed the tags! <3
> 
> P.S.  
> If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or thinking about please reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or 800-273-8255. 
> 
> As long as you’re alive there’s hope, so please hold on, friends!

Simon had just been at New Jericho… At New Jericho with Markus, safe and home… He didn’t know how he got here! Had he just imagined this all? It hurt worse than he remembered it hurting, though… Already his thirium pump was set to burst from his chest, and he knew he couldn’t get up from the ground, but they had to leave _now_! He wanted to tell Markus not to to help him out; that it’d be better if he just died here. It hurt so much, though… How many bullets would it take to kill him for good…? He didn’t want to find out… He was scared, and it hurt, and he could feel the thirium, and he didn’t want to hear Markus say--

“--Come on, Simon, say something! Please! Don’t just look at me like that! I need you to help me with this!”

“....p-please… don’t make me… don’t make me say it… not strong enough…” Simon’s voice reverberated as he weakly tried to fight the pain to beg.

He didn't have the strength to tell Markus to leave without him. It was almost cruel of Markus to try to get him to say it himself.

“Hey, no no! Come on Simon! Focus! Look at me… Look at me, you’re going to be fine… Josh will help slow the bleeding and we’ll do what we can to dull the pain… Just--“

“No! No Josh! Call Josh over here and--And I’ll blow his head off! And then yours! Call anyone here and I’ll kill them all!”

W-what…? 

Simon had never said that… He _would never_ say that… It was his voice, but it wasn’t him…

“Stop it, Daniel! Simon needs help!” 

Daniel…? He’d… heard that name before… They took him to New Jericho for…. _New_ Jericho… New, like another… Like--

“M-markus, what happened…?” Simon whimpered, confused and in a great deal of pain. 

“Simon…? Are you with me…? Look, you just got a little hurt when we went to check on Daniel, but I’ve got you… You’re going to be fine, so just stay with me, okay…?”

“...it hurts…”

“I know, Si, I know… But you’re okay… I was just--“

Daniel shoved Markus aside, nodding dutifully at Simon.

“Don’t worry! I won’t let him call Josh! I-I’ll kill them all if I have to! I--“

“Daniel, you cannot kill anyone! Simon needs to see a tech, and I’m not sure we can move him like this. We need to call Josh!” Markus insisted. 

“W-why can’t I…? I can’t move…? N-no… No, I can move… I can move! I can--“

Markus held Simon to the ground as he tried to sit himself upright. 

“Stay down, Si… You’re bleeding…”

“I-I don’t want to stay down! It hurts and I’m dizzy and I don’t like this… Am--am I bleeding a lot…? Like is it really really bad…? Markus, please, I-I need to get up! Let me up! Let me up! L-let--“

Tears swirled in Simon’s eyes, a physical manifestation of his fear as the words began to form on his lips. 

Two clicks. 

He couldn’t do this! He had to get up! He had to be able to get up and run and--

“Shhhh… No no no… Simon, you are okay… You’re safe here… It’s not _really_ really bad, but we… we need to take care of this… And all those reasons you’ve just listed are just more proof that you shouldn’t be on your feet right now… You don’t want to make things worse…”

‘Josh, North. Simon’s bleeding out in front of Daniel’s room, and needs immediate tech work. Daniel’s standing over him with a gun, and he says he’ll kill anyone who tries to help… Get here as soon as you can, but be prepared…’

“Simon, I’m going to try something… I don’t know about tech work, but it’s what you do for humans when they get hurt like this… From what I know of my protocols, it’s going to hurt a lot, so I’m going to need you to be very brave for me, okay…?”

Trembling, Simon mouthed a silent agreement. He wouldn’t scream. He wouldn’t scream. He-- Holy shit that hurt! Like a bolt of lightning shot up his leg, an unrelenting pressure continuing to build. Instinctively, Simon tried to pull away, clawing at the ground beneath him when he realized his legs had somehow been rendered useless.

“I know, Si, I know… I’m really sorry… But this is all I know to do to slow the bleeding… Try to be still… The less you move, the easier it should be for you…”

“S-so you do this…? And then he’s better…? And then he won’t need a tech…?”

“Sure, Daniel, whatever! Just shut up and put down the fucking gun! Please, I just need to take care of Simon…”

Gun…? He thought he’d been shot… There… there was another bullet in him… His leg… There was a bullet in his leg… That must have been why Markus wouldn’t let him get up… Wouldn’t let him get up to see--

“Work with me here, Si… You’ve got to stay with me, remember….?”

‘I-I’ve been-- I’ve been shot…’

‘Yes, but we’re not thinking about that right now… We’re thinking about literally anything else… What else can we think about…?’

‘I think it hurts… Really bad… More than last time… So--so that means worse than last time… And last time--‘

‘No! No no, definitely not going there! Maybe dogs… the… the TSA dog! You--you mentioned it, but I didn’t see it… what did it look like…?’ Markus knew it was a longshot, but whatever he could do to redirect Simon's attention was worth a try. 

‘...dog… it--it looked like a dog… a-and yellow… it had yellow fur and-- Markus, I’ll never get to see another dog again!’

Markus struggled to wipe his eyes with his shoulder to keep the tears from falling on the wound.

‘No, Si… We’ll see lots more dogs… But let’s focus on this dog for now… Keep telling me about it… What was it doing…?’

‘Dog things… I-I don’t know… Whatever you’re doing… It--it really hurts!’

‘I know, but you’re doing so well… Keep it up… What do you think TSA dogs do…?’

‘M-maybe… maybe they help make… like they make it so kids aren’t as scared of… like planes… flying… airports are scary… I-I thought we’d get shot there--n-not--‘

‘We just said we’re watching Nightmare Before Christmas for our next date night... What do you think it’s about…? Just from the name and the picture on your scarf…?’

It took Simon a minute to even process what Markus had asked. It was too hard to think. It just hurt so much!

‘....it’s about…? A-a nightmare…? And Christmas…? And the characters are dolls… A-and then they kiss… They were too thin to be real people… I-I don’t know… Markus, errors…. I-I’m seeing errors… bad thirium… s-something’s bad… like wrong with my… I-I don’t have enough--‘

‘No, Si, you must be mistaken… I’m looking here, and you’ve lost a lot, sure, but not _a lot_ a lot… You’re okay… You’re doing okay… So just stay with me, okay…?”

“I-I hear footsteps! Markus, Be quiet, the both of you! They--they can’t know we’re here like this! They--“

Without warning, North slid across the floor and kicked the gun out of Daniel's reach before he could even finish alerting Markus to her arrival. 

“Hey! Stay back! I-I’ll kill you!”

It was a race for the gun, and North won by a fraction of a second…

“No, let go! Give it here! You and Josh need to leave, or I swear to RA9, I will blow you to bits!” Daniel threatened.

“What the actual fuck is wrong with you, Daniel…? What the hell are you doing???” 

Daniel was practically on top of North as they each struggled to secure the firearm. 

“Get out of here! Give me that and stay the fuck away from Simon, and never come back! I’ll send you both to hel--“

North kneed Daniel in the chest, and sent him crumpling to the ground, before she quickly uncocked the gun, and began to back away with it. She had made it just out the door, when Daniel leapt to his feet and all but dove in front of Simon, vibing having changed his strategy entirely. North had the gun now which meant Simon was in danger, no matter how hard she tried to pretend she meant no harm. He flailed his arms wildly in the air, eyes locked on the gun.

“Shoot me! Shoot me North! Shoot me as much as you can! I’ll kill you if you don’t shoot me! Come on! Empty the chamber into my--“

North swung her arm down, and slammed the butt of the gun hard into Daniel’s forehead. He hit the ground like a sack of bricks, and she wasted no time in grabbing him by the ankle and dragging his unconscious body away. 

“I’ll deal with him… It’s safe now, Josh…”


	162. Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh is needed for repairs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you skipped the previous chapter, all you really need to know is that Daniel accidentally shot Simon, and no one really knows why. Simon is currently bleeding out on the floor of Markus’ old room, and Josh was called in for emergency repairs.
> 
> Stay well, friends!

Josh rushed into the room, horrified at the number of warnings that popped up in his vision after just a glance in Simon’s direction.

“RA9, Markus! Is he still conscious…?”

“Y-yeah… Yeah, he’s okay… Just a bit of thirium loss… He says he’s been seeing errors, but I think he’s just scared… I’ve been trying to apply pressure to the wound, but obviously it doesn’t work with an Android’s frame like it does with human skin…”

“Get out of the way… You’re in charge of thirium. Make sure he takes as many tablets as possible. If you think he’s had too many, he hasn’t; I cannot stress that enough… Shit, I need to work fast… You should have called me sooner!”

Markus quickly made room for Josh by Simon’s leg, shifting up into Simon’s line of view. 

“Okay, Si… You’re going to have some thirium now while Josh takes care of your leg… First tablet now, let’s go…”

He placed the thirium tablet in Simon’s mouth, trying not to be alarmed that the look in his eyes had grown significantly more vacant in just the few minutes since he’d been injured. 

‘M-markus… please… don’t let him… Don’t let him take me apart! I-I’ll be good! ...A-and I didn’t scream-- y-you saw! What you did… You--you know it hurt, but I was good; I didn’t scream! Please--‘

‘Shhhh… shhh… No, Si… I know you’ve been good… You’re always good, and it’s okay to scream, if you need… We’re just going to make you better… We’ll fix your leg so it’ll stop hurting… You want that, don’t you…?’

‘...I-I’m scared…’

‘I know… You’re being so brave… so strong… So please, just be strong for a little while longer… Then it’ll be all better…’

Without warning, Simon shot up as he could feel something tearing into his leg. Markus held him tightly to keep him from interfering, but Simon still put up a weak struggle in his arms.

‘Easy, Si… Talk to me… You’re okay… What’s wrong…?’

‘Hurts! Y-you--you said-- you said no taking-- takes me apart! S-something’s digging into my leg… And--and cutting… I-it’s breaking me! Y-you promised you wouldn’t let him break me! I’m being good,  _ please _ !’

Markus held him tighter, as if to squeeze the fear from his body.

“Josh, stop! What are you doing…?”

“To stop the bleeding, I’m going to need to get the frame off… But if I use the extractor tool and it’s like I think it is… he might blow a circuit and risk permanent damage to something important. If there’s any chance that the bullet’s made contact with his wiring, this is the only way I can do it without risking serious harm… I’ll try to be quick…”

“There’s nothing else you can do…? Josh, you--you can’t remove Simon’s frame like that! I-I won’t allow it!”

Josh sighed. They didn’t have time for this…

“Markus, if I don’t remove his frame like this, he will almost certainly die. If you’re going to get in the way, then go somewhere else. I’m going to do what I can for Simon…”

“Can’t you detach the leg and work on it separately, so it doesn’t have to hurt..?”

“If I try to detach it, we might not be able to replace it once I’m done…”

Simon’s eyes widened… He-he didn’t want to lose his leg! He needed his legs! Both of them! B-because without his legs--If he couldn’t use his legs--

“But when I lost my legs, I was able to replace them…” Markus objected. 

“Your legs were detached at the proper sites… The bullet here went in too far up his thigh… there’s no unaffected site at which I would be able to replace the leg, or even reattached the same injured leg after repairing it…. I have to remove the frame.”

Remove… Josh was going to remove it all… Remove was just code for tearing him apart… Taking until there was nothing left, and sending him somewhere else for them to pick up the pieces. He… He wouldn’t survive it! He still hadn’t fully recovered from what Josh had done to him after he’d been attacked by Nines! He needed to get away, but he couldn’t move! He needed help!

‘M-markus! I-I can’t do this again! Please--please don’t-- There has to be some other way!‘

Markus frowned… It was clear there wasn’t… This was the only chance they had at Simon coming out of this in one piece… He didn’t like it either, but… He had to be strong for Simon…. Simon was scared… And in a lot of pain… Markus needed to help him through this somehow... 

‘Take my hand, Si… You’re going to be just fine… We’re being strong, remember…? And I know you can be stronger than anyone I’ve ever known… Let’s try to think about something else again… Ummmm…. What did you see in the mall besides Hot Topic…?’

Right. 

He had to be good. He had to be strong. If he couldn't be strong and do what was asked of him, he wouldn't have Markus to help. Markus would leave. 

Because Markus had no need for broken things.

‘W-we… we went…? I don’t know… I can’t remember! Markus, it’s getting worse! P-please make it stop! I can’t take it! Stop! P-please! I’m trying! T-trying to--to--Good! I can be good! Quiet! Anything, just please--p-please, Markus, make it stop!’

He couldn't think anymore to do anything but beg. The digging had become a prying, slowly wrenching a large part of the frame, until the vile sound of splintering plastic was all anyone could hear. Struggling not to cry out, Simon held his breath, gripping Markus’ hand as tightly as he could in an attempt to ride out the fresh wave of pain. Still, a broken whine escaped his lips, and he could only pray it wouldn’t be held against him… It-it wasn’t his fault! It just hurt so much, and he was so dizzy and so fucking  _ scared _ … 

‘I-I’m so sorry, Si, but that part… T-that’s over now… Y-you did good… You’re okay… You’re okay…’

Markus tried not to let on that the moment Josh had removed the section of frame, he could feel a puddle of warm liquid rapidly expand along his legs. 

Simon  _ had _ lost more thirium than he’d thought… 

It had just been pooling under the frame, so Markus hadn’t seen it until now. 

‘...Let’s try something fun… Why don’t we try two thirium tablets at once…? I-it’s like a game…’

Before Simon could even respond, Markus hastily shoved a pair of tablets into his mouth.

“Markus…? Oh… You’re giving Simon more thirium… Good… Once you’re done, I’m going to need you to hold him down… I need to examine the artificial muscle, and I can’t have him moving while I work…”

‘H-hold me down…?’

Simon looked up at Markus, terrified at such an ominous command. 

“I don’t think that should be necessary… There’s no need for me to hold him down….”

“Yeah, there is… Why would I tell you to if there wasn’t…? It’s a reflex of sorts… But I need to see if the bullet went completely through in order to know how many thirium lines were severed, and I can’t do that if he kicks away…”

Markus grimaced; the logic checked out, but… It just felt awful… Still, he shifted so that he was straddling Simon’s chest pinning his body to the floor. He tried not to look at Simon's face for too long. He was in a place beyond panic, beyond helplessness, his stress response having rendered his body useless and limp. In that moment, it was impossible to pretend like Simon wasn't afraid. Afraid of the bullet in his leg, afraid of Josh, afraid of dying, afraid of  _ him _ . Somehow that last one hurt the most, but Markus couldn't afford to dwell on it now. 

‘M-markus…. please… I-I don’t want… I-I don’t--’

‘Shhh…. Hang in there, Si… I’ve got you… Just trust me, you’re going to be fine…’ 

‘N-no! I-I don’t like this! I-I can’t--‘

Something began to tear inside Simon’s leg. The bullet must have been lodged in the muscle. And it was growing. Expanding, and taking up all the room, compressing the synthetic tissue on either side, until he was sure the limb would explode from the pressure. Hyperventilating, he felt his body seize from under Markus’ hold, but he couldn’t seem to keep still, or even regain enough control to so much as catch his breath. The convulsions peaked with an eruption of pain, and Simon knew something must have finally snapped. His whole body was melting down, and reality itself seemed to come apart at the seams, until what sounded like Markus slowly began to pull him back. 

‘...so that’s over too now, Si… Take a second to rest up, now… Just try to breathe... We’re getting there… You’re doing great… So great…’

“Simon, do you still have any tablets in your mouth…?”

W-was this supposed to be a test…? Josh hadn’t even given him a moment to recover first! But he  _ had _ already swallowed them. Even with Markus giving him two at once, he still swallowed them both as quickly as he could. He knew he had to be perfect! He had to do everything Josh needed him to do, because if he didn’t--

‘N-no Josh… I-I swallowed them… L-like I was supposed to… Y-you said--‘

“Good… You swallowed them completely…? You’re sure…?”

Why didn't Josh believe him? Did Josh really think him too useless to even accomplish that simple task? He wasn't that useless! He didn't deserve whatever punishment-- however Josh might want to take him apart for being more useless than he really was! And he knew he wouldn't be able to take it! He needed Josh to believe--

‘Y-yeah… Really, I did! I-I can-- I can do--‘

“Okay… Good… Markus, I’m just warning you… What I have to do next is going to knock him out… He’ll be fine when he wakes up, so don’t worry… It might look concerning, but he is going to be fine… There’s just no way he’ll still be conscious through to the end of it…”

Simon shuddered. What did that mean…? Why was he going to pass out? What was Josh going to do that he would lose consciousness so violently that--

“Woah woah woah! Wait! What are you doing?!? What’s going to knock him out…?” Markus glared at Josh, a protective hand just above the remains of Simon's injured leg. 

“I’m going to remove the bullet. It’s like I thought… It went through the frame, through the muscle, and halfway through the main femoral cable… Just touching it’s going to cause at least a moderately adverse reaction…”

Moderately adverse reaction. Simon knew too well how dangerous it was for Josh to speak so technically. He didn't want this. No, he couldn't do this! He needed Josh to stop!

‘Y-you mean it’s going to hurt… like really badly…? A-and we can’t just… Can’t we just leave it there…? I-I don’t mind having it there… We can leave it there and I’ll learn to live with a bit of extra metal under my frame and--‘

“No, Simon… It has to come out…” Josh asserted matter-of-factly, his voice impersonal enough that hearing him speak gave Simon the feeling of bad hands prying his throat apart and telling him to be silent all the while. 

‘N-no… no no no no--‘

Markus squeezed Simon’s hand reassuringly. 

‘Hey… Look at me, now… This is good… One last thing, and then you can rest…. You’ll be able to rest, and I’ll watch after you, and when you wake up, it’ll be all better… Doesn’t that sound nice…? You’ll wake up in bed with me, and it'll be like none of this even happened…?’

‘B-but it’s going to… it’s going to hurt really really badly, and then when I’m knocked out, they can take me apart or leave me for--for to be--‘

‘No, Si. Remember, you’re safe here… And I’m not leaving your side… I won’t lie to you, this probably will hurt pretty badly… But if you can just get through it, then everything will be okay… No more hurting after that… Please, Simon… If Josh doesn’t do this, you might… Bad things might happen… Really really bad things… And I don’t want bad things... I want good things for you… Good things for us… Don’t you want good things…?’

He did. He did want good things. And the idea of Markus staying, of Markus comforting him through it all, and making sure he was okay was so unbelievably wonderful. But unbelievably wonderful still meant unbelievable. Markus was talking to him like the Markus he'd imagined. The Markus who’d come back for him when the real one never had. Still, what choice did he have but to cling to this source of comfort, real or imagined, and see where he'd wind up next…? It was like the ride to the DPD evidence locker all over again, and he hated to think of what was to come, but he knew from experience that it was best to just pretend to believe in the comfort of Markus' protection.

‘...h-hold me…?’

‘I’ve got you, love…’

Markus sat himself back on the ground, taking Simon’s body, limp from fear, in his arms, and holding him close. 

“Ready…?” 

Markus nodded, at least grateful that Josh had had the courtesy to give Simon time to steel his nerves before he started the extraction.

“Just get this over with… And be careful…”

Markus made a point not to look as Josh began to remove the bullet, but he knew it was happening nonetheless, Simon was straining against his chest, fighting to stay conscious and stay quiet, until he began to overheat from the effort. Yet somehow the pain hadn’t even really gotten started. No… In a single instance, white-hot fire shot from his leg through to his entire body. 

Fighting back with all his might, Simon couldn’t stop the staticky scream that was ripped violently from his voicebox, distorted and raw, until there was silence, his eyes having rolled back in his head. He’d blacked out completely, but Josh still hadn’t even looked up from his work… Finally, the clink of metal against the tile floor rang out, and Josh made quick work of patching the torn thirium lines… 

“I need to get a soldering iron… And I’ll see what I can do about replacing that chunk of his frame… Oh… And a thirium line too… I’ll be back in a few minutes….”


	163. Thirium and Rest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus is shaken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: (Unsuccessful Sucide Attempt) 
> 
> Will be discussed from chapters 163-164, as well as in a few later chapters. Each triggering chapter will be individually tagged accordingly. 
> 
> If this might in any way upset you, please skip ahead to chapter 165, and watch out for the beginning of chapter notes, or even just stop reading altogether if you need. 
> 
> Take care of yourselves! Stay safe and heed the tags! <3
> 
> P.S.  
> If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or thinking about please reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or 800-273-8255. 
> 
> As long as you’re alive there’s hope, so please hold on, friends!

Markus couldn't bring himself to let go of Simon. If he hadn't known any better, it looked a lot like Simon was dea--more than just passed out. And there was so much thirium, too. 

He needed Josh to tell him it wasn’t true! Josh had promised him that--

“Is… is he going to wake up…? Like is he going to wake up too early and hurt again…? Or worse, what if he doesn’t wake up…? You know he’ll wake up at some point…? H-he will wake up, right…?”

“Yes, Markus… But he should stay knocked out for at least another fifteen minutes… Probably for another few hours, truthfully… This should have taken quite the toll on his body… You have to realize, he stays conscious for far longer than most do… The average body, especially in older models like his, can’t take such a strain, and most people welcome the relief that comes with unconsciousness, but he always seems to fight it kicking and screaming… So don’t worry about Simon… He’ll be fine; he just needs his rest… Thirium and rest…”

Markus nodded, letting Josh leave him alone with Simon’s body. 

Simon looked weak… His face was drawn, and his frame was warm… Too warm… His chest rose and fell wearily, to the point where Markus could imagine Simon’s very soul drawing in and out of his body with each breath, as beads of sweat still continued to break out across his frame… Markus tried to wipe it all away… He ran a hand through Simon’s hair, now scruffy and damp as it met his scalp… 

“Keep breathing, love… Just keep breathing…”

Markus’ throat felt wrong… It felt full of nothing, so full of nothing that no air could get through. The urge to shout until he’d expended all the breath from his ventilation system was overwhelming, but the nothing was holding it back. His eyes screamed the tears his voice couldn’t. Tears welled up, growing larger and larger until they succumbed to gravity, falling from his eyes and onto Simon, tracing the contour of his jawline until they finally hit the floor. His hands were shaking… He hadn’t thought he’d have to do this again… He hadn’t thought he would ever need to see Simon, bloodied and scared like that again… After Stratford… After Nines… Simon was terrified… He was hurting… He’d been trying so hard not to scream; he was deathly afraid of crying out, but in the end, even his fear couldn’t suppress the need to express such a horrible pain. 

“I… did okay, right…? Did I help…? Make it easier…? I didn’t want for… I mean, I tried to help, but… I-I couldn’t let you go… I can’t lose you, Si… Please…? Will… will you forgive me…? If I was too hard…? If that was too much…? I-I don’t mean to… I just wanna hold you for forever… To protect you and see you happy… I… I’m so sorry…”

Markus bent over, his forehead lightly pressed to Simon’s and let himself fall apart. Teary and shaking, he held tight to Simon’s arm, and just broke down… He was too tired to pick himself back up once Josh came in, so he just let Josh continue his work, as he stayed there, almost meditative, at Simon’s side… After a period of time Markus hadn’t really kept track of, Josh placed a hand on Markus’ shoulder.

“I’m done, Markus… You should take him to bed… I can set him up with a line and crutches from there… Then you should rest too… You’ve had a long few days…”

“Y-yeah… I… Could you take Si to bed, actually…? I… don’t think I can stand… I can’t stand right now…”

“Of course you can’t… You going to be good on your hands…?” 

“Hands or feet… Just don’t trust myself with him like this… I’ll… walk with you…”

Markus couldn’t will himself to let go of Simon, until Josh was just about to lift him out of reach. He forced himself onto unsteady legs, and tried to keep up with Josh, as they made their way to his room. He knew he was trailing thirium as he trudged forward, but he didn’t care. He just wanted to be in bed with Simon. By the time he’d gotten there, Josh had already set Simon up with a thirium line, his injured leg braced at the knee and slightly elevated with a pillow. 

“Is… Is there anything I should do… Like will he need anything for… to--?”

“No, Markus… Just relax... Like I said, he just needs rest and thirium, both of which are taken care of now…”

“Thank you… For saving him again… Words can’t describe how much it means-- Could you just do me one last thing…? See what’s wrong with Daniel… Why did he shoot Simon…? And why wouldn’t he let you help Simon once he did…?”

Josh nodded back.

“I’ll look into it… But I’m expecting you to crash now… Rest up… I don’t want to come back and find you still awake...”

“I don’t plan on it…”

He did mean that… Truthfully, he was really just waiting for Josh to leave the room so he could rest his head on Simon’s chest and dream that this had never happened… Maybe he’d even wake up to find it had all just been some horrible nightmare… The minute Josh stepped back into the hall, he allowed himself to enter standby mode. 

“Rest up, love… At least we’ll wake up together…”


	164. Love and Forgiveness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon goes after Daniel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: (Unsuccessful Sucide Attempt)
> 
> Will be discussed from chapters 163-164, as well as in a few later chapters. Each triggering chapter will be individually tagged accordingly.
> 
> If this might in any way upset you, please skip ahead to chapter 165, and watch out for the beginning of chapter notes, or even just stop reading altogether if you need.
> 
> Take care of yourselves! Stay safe and heed the tags! <3
> 
> P.S.  
> If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or thinking about please reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or 800-273-8255.
> 
> As long as you’re alive there’s hope, so please hold on, friends!

Simon came to achy and exhausted… It seemed to be radiating from his upper thigh, but he felt… wrong… Like he’d been hit with an EMP and somehow managed to survive, but only barely… He couldn’t even run a self-diagnostic; he was still in some form of low-power mode… Willing himself to open his eyes was definitely a mistake. The light exploded behind his eyes, like a bomb under his frame. Why did he feel so awful? He remembered fear… Panic, even… And Stratford… But the memory was fractured… Like shifting from New Jericho to the Tower, and… He’d been shot… He almost… almost lost his leg… He almost lost his leg, and then he blacked out… Where was he…? It was… cold… Was he shivering…? There was a warmth at his side he couldn’t help but lean into. It was a good warmth… And he felt a familiar weight along his waist… That was the one comfort… He didn’t even need to open his eyes again to know it must have been Markus… Markus holding him… Keeping him safe… He just needed to focus on Markus… The one thing that didn’t hurt…

‘You’re probably still in sleep mode right now, and that’s fine… That’s good… I just wanted to… tie up loose ends… I didn’t mean to shoot you, Simon… Really, I didn’t… I hadn’t expected you to be home so soon, so I thought I’d have time to… To work up the nerve to… You… startled me when you came in but I didn’t mean for you to get… You know what, forget it… These words all suck, so I’ll just borrow the right ones.  _ Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. _ Where you chose forgiveness and self-improvement, in the face of similar heartache, I chose hatred and violence. And because of that, everything I touch will always become toxic… You’re a good man, Si… A better man than me… Leagues above… You tried so hard to help me, and, truly, I thank you for it… I think you’re my favorite person… Which is why I thought I owed you an explanation… I’m doing it right this time… I might not be able to shoot myself, but I know one way that’s worked before-- tried and true… It’s… kind of fitting in an odd sense… Ending it all where it all began… But fuck poetry… I just… wanted to explain myself… and to thank you… I… I love you, Simon… Like a brother… You’ve become like a brother to me… So thank you for that… And goodbye…’

Shit! Was this what it sounded like? Simon shot up from his bed. 

‘W-what! Daniel! Daniel, no! Don’t do anything so stupid! You have a whole life ahead of you! You’re a good man too! And you are like a brother to me, so I can’t let you do this! I mean I wouldn’t be able to let you do this regardless, but-- Daniel, my head’s super fuzzy right now, so I don’t have all the perfect words, but I need you to calm down, and just wait so I can get myself together and--‘

‘No, Simon, I’ve made up my mind… I have to do this, so don’t try and talk me out of it… Listen, our time together was great, but it’s over… My life is over… And I’m not going to waste your life trying to get mine back on track… Pray for me that there’s nothing on the other side…? Because if there’s more, well… I’ve taken Emma to church, and I know I would... not be in for anything pleasant…’

‘Daniel stop! I-I’m not going to let you do this! You can’t do this! I’m coming for you so just wait!’

Between the thirium loss, the pain, and the concern for Daniel, Simon honestly wasn’t in a place to think about much of anything as he ripped the thirium line from his arm, and tore himself from his bed. Standing one-legged, he held onto his nightstand for balance, before he saw a pair of crutches at his bedside, and realized he could use those to get around. The movement hurt like hell as it jostled his injured leg, but he forced himself forward, inching weakly towards the door, just in time to catch a glimpse of Daniel entering an auto on its way out of New Jericho… Scanning the vehicle, he was just able to determine its destination: 1554 Park Avenue, Detroit… Of course… Ending it where it began… He was heading for the rooftop. Where Connor had killed him the first time. 

Simon quickly hopped into another auto to follow after Daniel, hoping with the entirety of his being that he’d be able to get there in time to stop Daniel before he would jump. 

RA9, he was dizzy… 

His body screamed in protest to each turn the auto made, and all he wanted to do was crawl back into bed, and sleep until he felt even half as shitty as he felt right now. But he had to stop Daniel… That one truth was the only thing that was clear through the haze. It was that truth that made him force himself from the auto the moment it stopped at the apartment complex. Hurriedly, he dragged himself through the lobby and into an elevator. 70 stories… The rooftop here was only 10 stories shorter than Stratford… He shook off the thought. He was here to stop Daniel… By the time he’d arrived at the former Phillips residence, an angry woman was pacing the living room. 

“Oh no! I will not have more of your kind breaking into my house! I know how this went last time! Get out of here before I call the police!”

Three clicks felt so harsh against his auditory processors as he tried to spit out his words. 

“I-I’m sorry ma’am. I just need to-- to stop my brother… I mean no harm… Have you seen him yet…?”

“If you’re following that Daniel thing, it forced its way onto the roof. But I told it, if it comes back inside--“

“Thank you--“

Simon brushed past the woman and burst through the screen door to find Daniel, sitting in what appeared to be a decorative chair by the ledge, his head in his hands. Simon sat down at another chair next to him. 

“Daniel! I’m so glad I made it in time!”

“Simon…? How… How did you get here…? Your leg--“

“--It is pretty damaged… And my head’s kinda foggy too… But I had to stop you… Daniel, I can’t let you do this…”

Daniel sighed, finally looking up at Simon as he forced a laugh.

“You wanna hear something really messed up…?”

“Daniel…?”

“I really don't want to do this…”

Simon felt his heart break as he could hear the tears in Daniel’s voice. 

“Daniel…”

“I-it’s true… When you left for the airport, I planned to take a gun from the armory and get it done quickly before you got back… I heard you leave, and I got the gun, but… I was scared…”

Simon put a supportive hand on Daniel’s shoulder. 

“That’s not messed up, Dan…”

“...No, it is… I held the gun in my hand, and… I undid the safety, and I even pointed it at myself a few times, but… I kept feeling Connor and those snipers… When their bullets hit me, it hurt… I felt that fear… And… I realized before… I was in the same damn place as you… Before I wound up on the streets… Because I wound up at the same shelter with the same people, along with everyone else Connor had-- I know I only cause trouble for everyone I care about… I just… Seeing how I could have handled things… How you handled things… And knowing the world would have been so much better if I hadn’t killed him… And knowing worse yet, that after seeing what I saw, a part of me really wanted to kill them… North, Josh, Markus, Connor… Everyone, really, who had any involvement in what happened to you… Even after what I saw, even after getting to know you and everyone else at New Jericho, my first instinct is revenge… I’m bad, Simon… I can’t be like you... I can’t forgive and I can’t learn to love, so how can I receive love and forgiveness from others in return…? And if I can’t be loved, and I can’t be forgiven, then there’s no point to my being here… That with my bad instincts creates a moral obligation for me to go through with this… But I’m still scared…”

“I-I’m so sorry, Daniel… After Josh removed the bullet, I couldn’t wake up in time to talk to you about this...”

Daniel shook his head in disbelief.

“You’re sorry…? Simon… Are… Are you trying to apologize for the fact that  _ I _ shot  _ you _ ...?”

“I… I guess so…?”

Simon shrugged. It sounded like that from the way Daniel put it, and he was still pretty lightheaded at a thirium level of like 60%, so Daniel’s summation was probably more accurate than anything he could’ve come up with. 

“Only you, Si! Only fucking you would apologize to someone else after  _ they _ shoot  _ you _ !” Daniel couldn’t help but laugh.

“No… no no… That… That’s not what I’m sorry for… I’m sorry for… that because I was shot, I couldn’t check on you after… And… that I showed you something you weren’t prepared for… You’ve got it wrong… About yourself… I-I mean yeah, you… shouldn’t kill people… Killing people is bad… But you… haven’t killed anyone since… And that’s… not bad… I’m sorry… Those words aren’t the right ones… But you get what I mean… You deserve love and forgiveness, and life, and all good things… I want you… to stay with us… And learn with us… And be happy… Everyone else, even Connor, and… people I probably can’t think of right now… They get forgiveness. Second chances are a thing… But death means no second chances… Well, unless you die, and they put you back together, but that’s--that isn’t how it works most of the time, and… You know what I mean…?”

“I… I think I do… I should’ve tried to talk to you first… I… don’t think I want to die… I just… I really need help… And I feel lost… Hopeless… But talking to you gives me hope… We should get you home, now… You should be in bed. And it looks like you could use more thirium… Let me just-- Wait... Shit! No no  _ no _ ! That  _ BITCH _ !”


	165. Missing Persons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus wakes up alone.

Markus woke up alone in his bed… He… didn’t remember going to bed alone… And… why was there a thirium line next to--Shit! Where was Simon! He flung himself out of bed, and rushed out of his room, only to find North and Josh arguing in the halls. 

“Guys! Quick! Have you seen Simon?”

“Simon…? Wasn’t he in bed with you?”

“I-I thought so, but he’s not there… I don’t think he could have gone far… Not on his own with the way his leg was, but wherever he is, he could be hurt! We’ve got to find him…”

“Maybe he’s with Daniel…”

North elbowed Josh in the chest. 

“What?!?!”

“Nothing… Josh is just being a dick… I’m sure Simon’s fine…”

“N-no… No Josh has a point… Si would do that… He probably would want to talk to Daniel… He was worried about Daniel, that’s how this whole thing started, and you saw how Daniel was acting crazy… He probably went to check in on Daniel… He should have woken me first… Is Daniel still in your workshop, or did he go back to his room…?”

North shot Josh an uneasy look, before turning to Markus. 

“We kind of lost him…”

“ _We_? You were in charge of the whole Daniel thing! Don’t rope me into the fact that you lost an entire person!”

“An _entire_ person? Oh, so would it have been better if I only lost half of him…? Besides, you know I’m not cut out for babysitting duty; You’ve seen me with kids, if I can’t threaten or intimidate it, I’m basically at a loss!”

“You know that’s not true; you just--“

“Stop it! Both of you! Simon and Daniel are gone, and either one of them could be hurt or worse, given the condition we last saw them in!”

North stopped for a moment at Markus’ admonishment, before standing taller. 

“That’s right. Even if I did lose Daniel, how the fuck did you lose your crippled boyfriend when you were sleeping in bed right next to him…?”

“I-I don’t know, but… We need to find them! Split up and search the building… Like you said, if they are together, with Simon’s injuries, they couldn’t have gotten far…”

Markus ran to the garden; he knew that was Daniel's favorite spot. But they weren't there… They didn’t seem to be anywhere on the ground floor at all. And he hadn’t heard from the others, which wasn’t a good sign, but--

‘Markus…’

Markus cursed the fact that Connor chose to message him now at all times. Whatever shit the DPD wanted him for could wait. Right now, he just needed to find Simon. 

‘Connor! Look, I’m really busy now, can you save it for another time…?’

‘It’s Simon… turn on the news…’

Markus felt his heart drop. 

‘Connor! Connor, no! What happened! What’s on the news!’

‘...Phillip’s Residence… Rooftop… The entire complex is on lockdown…’

‘I’m on my way!’


	166. Trapped

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon can't handle this new development.

“Daniel, what’s wrong…?”

“That--that bitch who lives here now! She must have pulled the fire alarm! I can see the sprinklers and the lights from here!”

“Is there a fire…?”

“It doesn’t fucking matter, Simon! What matters is the alarm kills the elevator! The fucking asshole trapped us up here!”

“W-wait, what…? N-no, Daniel… No, we’re not trapped… We-we can’t be!“

Trapped on the rooftop… An image flashed across Simon’s mind, a blue-stained hand, dripping as it pulled a thirium pump from his chest. Beginning to panic, he shot up from his seat without thinking, only to wind up on the ground as his injured leg completely snapped from under him. 

“Simon! Holy fuck!”

Simon paled considerably, forgetting himself completely as he fell to the ground.

“W-what was that…? I heard something… A sound… A bad sound…? Daniel, how did I get on the ground…? W-what am I doing on the ground…? I-is that thirium…? Daniel, where is this thirium coming from…? I-I think I sat in some thirium! Daniel, I--“

“Simon, you--you need to stop… You… fell… And now… That’s how you got on the ground… You’re… bleeding… You’re bleeding a lot…”

Simon looked up at Daniel, shock and anxiety written all over his face. 

“I… I am dizzy, but I don’t feel… How am I bleeding…? How am I…?”

He couldn’t will himself to look at his leg, but taking a trembling hand to his upper thigh, he was able to tell that somehow, it had wound up almost completely detached at the site of the wound. 

“D-daniel! Daniel, my--my leg! I-it’s bleeding! It’s my leg! My leg is bleeding, and it’s not there… L-like it’s wrong! I-It’s supposed to be on right, but--but--“

“Simon, look at me… Look at me--it’s okay. You’re going to be fine. Right now we just need to stay calm. Stay calm and think…”

“N-no… no no… My leg, Daniel! M-my leg is--“

“I can see your leg, Simon, but before we handle that, we need to think… You’re a tech; What do we--“

“I-I can’t feel my leg!” Simon practically shouted. 

Daniel didn’t get it! His leg… He-- 

_He couldn’t feel his leg!_

Desperation beginning to build, he grabbed Daniel’s shirt, clinging to him as if somehow it would make him understand. 

“I can’t feel my leg! I-I need to feel my leg! I need my--need to be able to--“

“I know, Simon! But you also need to be able to not bleed out on this fucking rooftop! Help me out here! How do I stop the bleeding?!"

> Simon’s hands were empty… Only he didn’t see them as empty… He saw a gun… He’d never held a gun before… But now he had… Gentle hands had placed it in his own… But the gentle hands had been lying to themselves… The minute Simon had been handed the gun, there could only be one use for it… The weight of such a weapon felt strange in his hands… He was made to raise humans… Nurturing lives, not taking them away… Except, by taking one life, he could save countless others. So why was he so afraid…? He should pull the trigger now, except he couldn’t bring himself to. Every second he wasted was a second closer to falling into enemy hands, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it! He held his thumb against the hammer, his forefinger looming just above the trigger, as he stared down the barrel, cursing his inability to take the necessary action. 
> 
> _Pull it Pull the trigger Do it Selfish asshole Pull it You have to do it or everyone will die You’re killing them You’re killing them all Pull it Do it Shoot now or their blood will be on your hands Do you want them to die You don't want them to die, do you You’ll die either way, but their deaths will be your fault Do it Useless Your fault Shoot Shoot Shoot Shoot--_

Daniel ran an aggravated hand through his hair. He didn’t know what to do, but Simon was almost definitely going to die if he didn’t do something soon, and Simon couldn’t help him! Simon wouldn’t be able to help him with anything like this! The poor fuck was just staring off into space and crying!

“Screw this! I’m calling Markus!”

“No.”

Simon shot up suddenly, the look in his eyes still vacant and unfocused, enough that Daniel wasn't completely sure Simon had even said anything at all… Mechanically, he reached out to Daniel and replied flatly. 

“You can’t… Not safe…”

It took Daniel a moment to even process what Simon had said, but when he did he could feel his stress level beginning to rise.

“Fuck! You don’t know what you’re saying… I’m calling Markus!”

Simon gave the air a broken smile. 

“It's not safe to call him… But that's okay! I can make him here… At least until the bad part… Then it becomes harder… especially once they make--” 

Daniel stepped away from Simon to make the call… It was bad enough to see Simon like this, but now his voice was breaking, and he was talking to no one about mentally summoning the boyfriend who clearly wasn’t here, and his smile looked so foreign, so wrong… He just needed Markus to reply to his message immediately. Even sooner than immediately if possible. 

‘Please please _please_ respond!’

‘Daniel! What’s going on? You and Simon are all over the news! Why did you break into that house?’

‘Forget that! Simon’s leg is fucked, and he’s bleeding out and talking to no one about how to call upon your ghost when the bad part comes, whatever the fuck that means! We’re trapped here on the rooftop; what do I do???’

‘Simon’s what?!?’

‘We’re stuck here and he’s going to die! Help me help him. How do I get him to stop talking about imaginary you and tell me how to stop the bleeding? He doesn’t take well to interfacing when he’s lost his shit anymore, so I don’t know what to do!’

‘He… he’s that far gone…? Of course! He’s bleeding out on a rooftop after having been shot in the leg… Look, Daniel, I am on my way, but… From what I know just… do what you can to keep the thirium from spilling out… Body parts belong… in the body… B-but don’t hurt him! Like make sure he’s okay… And try to… talk him through it… RA9, I-I’m already in the auto, but I can’t come quickly enough! I--‘

‘I-I’ll take care of it! I can do that… I won’t let him die.’


	167. Field Repairs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daniel tries to stop the bleeding.

Daniel ran back to Simon, still trembling and talking to no one. 

“Y-yes… Thank you… I-I know you'll keep--“

Daniel placed his hands firmly on his shoulders, and pressed down, hard. 

“Simon! I need you to focus!”

Simon blinked away the darkness, and made out a blurry face looking down at him. 

“D-daniel…?”

His head hurt, and everything was wrong, and--

“I-I… We’re really stuck here…? D-daniel, I-I don’t want--I don’t think-- P-please--“

‘He’s coming back’ Daniel messaged Markus… He didn’t know why, but he felt somehow obligated to keep Markus informed. 

Bending down, Daniel placed a hand on the remaining stump of Simon’s leg. Instinctively, Simon flinched away.

“W-what are you--?”

“I can stop the bleeding.” Daniel stated. 

He kept his voice calm and commanding, as he started to remove the bands from his arms. He thanked RA9 he’d happened to buy himself over a dozen from Hot Topic the day before. He snapped a few of the thinner bands, and used them as makeshift tourniquets. He’d have to tie off each individual thirium line if he really wanted to stop the bleeding… 

“Simon, can you watch me to make sure I’m doing this right…? You won’t lose yourself…?”

“I… I can try… I’m just… really dizzy… I… don’t think I’m supposed to be this dizzy… Daniel…?”

He did look unsteady, even laying on the ground, propped up against the side of the chair he’d fallen from. 

“Okay… tell me if I’m making things worse…”

As Daniel tried to tie off each thirium line, Simon didn’t even react. He would’ve thought Simon had somehow fallen asleep, if he hadn’t seen Simon blink occasionally… He thought he was done, when Simon raised his arm and pointed a wobbly finger at the damaged limb. 

“I… don’t think it’s supposed to be so… sparky…”

“Sparky…? Holy ffffffffff--ine… I-it’s _fine_ … I can make it less… 'sparky'...”

It must have been the thirium loss that enabled Simon to be so calm about it, because Daniel nearly passed out seeing light crackle along a mess of exposed wire peeking through a sizable gash in the insulation. 

“Simon… I… I need you to listen to me really carefully… I don’t know what I’m doing here… I’m way out of my league, and I-- I can try to do something, but I don’t know how it’ll go, and--“

“...I trust you…”

The words came easily, but from the tone, Daniel could tell Simon hadn’t meant them lightly. Even so, it was clear he wasn’t in any state to understand the gravity of the situation.

“This might hurt… O-or not… Like I said, I don’t know, but--“

Simon saw Daniel bring a thick strand from one of his rubber bracelets toward his leg, but he never got to see what Daniel intended to do with it before everything went black. The pain was sudden and sharp, and too much for him to handle, as every servo in his body coiled against the sensation. In that moment, the world was made up of only three truths: He’d been taken for torture, he couldn’t see, and he couldn’t scream. The pain would only get worse if he screamed… And he wasn’t sure he could imagine a worse pain than this. His breathing was erratic as he struggled to keep silent. Anything to keep silent. 

_Don’t scream Don’t scream Don’t scream._

They’d break him if he screamed. And worse, if he screamed, they’d hurt Markus… So he couldn’t scream… Even as he could feel something take his leg and squeeze it too tight. If it wanted to take something, couldn’t it have at least been gentle? At least it hadn’t talked like him… He couldn’t take the Markus voice… 

“Simon...?”

“P-please--“ He choked out, the reverberation of his voice too familiar. 

Daniel knew now what Simon was seeing-- or, more accurately, what he wasn’t seeing--, and felt a fury beginning to build up inside him. 

‘I lost him again! What do I do?’

‘Just keep trying to get him back… Did you do what you could to stop the bleeding…?’

‘I think so… Fuck, Markus! This--this shit… It’s all Connor’s fucking fault! If he hadn’t done this to Simon, it could’ve been me. I was there too, y’know! I could be the one--‘

Daniel cut himself off, cursing the tears that began to well up in his eyes. 

‘Daniel, I… Look, I promise we will discuss that later, but right now, we need to focus on getting you two out of there…’

‘Oh! Yes!’ Daniel laughed bitterly, as the tears rained down. ‘Because your promise means _so_ _much_ to me!’

‘Daniel, please! For Simon’s sake, as well as your own, I need you to stay calm… Take stock of the situation… You said you’re trapped on the rooftop… What do you mean trapped?’

‘We… We went to where… where Connor killed me… And then that bitch who lives here locked us on the rooftop, and… She must’ve pulled the fire alarm, so even if we could get back inside, we can’t take the elevator down… And I don’t think Simon’s in any shape to move much, even if I carry him the whole 70 flights down… I know the fire safety plan for this building; the elevator won’t come back on until… Fuck! Markus, the fire department’s going to do a full sweep of the building! We’ve gotta get down before they come! Markus, we have to get down! We--‘

‘Breathe, Daniel… Listen to me… You will get down… Somehow you two will both get down safely… What about a fire escape…? Surely they have to have something with a ramp for handicap accessibility in case there is a real fire… You could find a wagon or something and take Simon down that…’

‘I… I can try that… But I don’t want to leave Simon to look when he’s still like this… Let me try to break through to him again….’ 

‘I’ll message him too… Maybe I can help…’

Daniel sighed. This was insane! This wasn’t what he wanted! He hadn’t meant for things to go this way!


	168. Helicopter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daniel is forced to make a familiar choice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: (Referenced Sucide Attempt)
> 
> Will be discussed from chapters 168 and 169, as well as in a few later chapters. Each triggering chapter will be individually tagged accordingly.
> 
> If this might in any way upset you, please skip ahead to chapter 170, and watch out for the beginning of chapter notes, or even just stop reading altogether if you need.
> 
> Take care of yourselves! Stay safe and heed the tags! <3
> 
> P.S.  
> If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or thinking about please reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or 800-273-8255.
> 
> As long as you’re alive there’s hope, so please hold on, friends!

Simon didn’t want to die this way… Not again… And he didn’t want them to hurt him… He didn’t even know what they wanted… Maybe some sort of targeted attack on New Jericho…? That did make sense… If Jericho was a target before, no doubt New Jericho would be one too now… Or maybe it wouldn’t… It was hard to think as he bled out here… It hurt too much to think… Everything hurt… He didn’t want them to take anything from him… This thirium pump, his memories…. Why couldn’t they leave him intact and stop trying to hurt his friends? He could hear a sound… A loud sound… It sounded bad… Scary… Like some sort of heavy machinery that could hurt really badly… What were they going to do to him? He jerked back as something grabbed his arm. What was it going to take??? 

“...we’re out of time! Fuck, Simon! I need help!”

Daniel bowed his head to Simon’s chest and shook him by the shoulders, desperate to bring him back. 

“You’ve gotta wake up! Simon, please! They’re here! They’re here and it’s too loud a-and it was here before! It was here when-- And I-I made Connor call it away, but Connor’s not here, and even then it has guns, and it’s bad, and I need you! P-please wake up! I-I don’t know what to do!“

Daniel hadn’t even been consciously aware that the skin on his hands had retracted as they pressed into Simon’s frame. It… confused Simon… That the hands gave instead of taking… They were begging him… And they mentioned Connor… They seemed scared… They felt like--

‘D-daniel…? Daniel, how--?’

“Make it go away, Si! Please, _please_ make it go away!” Daniel pleaded.

Simon blinked back at Daniel, before realizing that he was referring to the massive helicopter hovering just a foot or two above the rooftop. Right as he looked up at it, someone tossed a ladder from out the side door. Humans were coming. 

‘M-markus! We--we need help! There’s a helicopter and it’s too close, and there are people, and--‘

‘Shhh… I know, Si… Connor said he knows the people on board. Three officers and a tech. They’re there to assess the situation, and help however they can. The lady inside the apartment called the police when she pulled the alarm to explain there’s no fire. She reported a breaking and entering and identified Daniel from the news. She called this an act of terrorism, and accused him of trying to take over the building again. Connor went through her file, and it turns out she’s got a history of blowing up their phone lines any time she so much as sees an android cross the street, so he managed to deescalate the response… He’s spoken to everyone up there, and they know they’re effectively a rescue team. It’s perfectly safe… He even says one of the officers is a personal friend from his precinct. An older gentleman named Ben… He says they can help get you down.’

‘Y-you’re sure…?’

‘Yeah… You’re going to be okay… You’re coming down, Si, so just hang on…’

Looking over his shoulder, Daniel let out a pitiful whimper as he could see the first human begin to descend the ladder. 

“Simon, hurry! Someone’s coming! P-please!”

‘Markus says it’s okay… Markus says… He says it’s safe… That the people there are to… to take us down.’ Simon tried to sound more confident than he actually felt. 

“I don’t care! I-I don’t trust them! He can’t know-- He--“ 

The first human landed on the rooftop, another climbing down the ladder behind them, and Simon felt the same panic as Daniel, except for the fact that he was helpless to do anything about it. Daniel wasn’t helpless. Daniel--

“Simon, you have to do something! _Hurry_!”

Simon shook his head. There wasn't anything he could do except trust Markus and pray. 

’D-daniel… I need you to… To listen to me… You can do this…. You will get in the helicopter… And… And it’s going to be scary… But you’ll be okay… You’ll get down safe, and you’ll be okay… Can you trust me…?’

No! It was too familiar! How could Simon not understand that! It was too much! 

“Simon, they’re going to--to--“

Simon weakly reached out to Daniel, placing a reassuring hand on his arm.

‘Trust me, Daniel… You can do it...’

He… did… He did trust Simon… Simon was even more cautious than he was, so if Simon thought it was safe… Plus Simon made the right decisions… Even when they were hard… This was the road he was meant to travel. He would have to follow Simon’s advice on this one, no matter how much the idea struck fear into his heart.

“F-fine… I’ll go… I’ll do it… But what about you…? Do you need help…? Can you stand…?”

Simon thought for a moment. He wasn’t sure… It hadn’t really occurred to him that there was a possibility he could do anything but wait here to die. 

‘I don’t know… I-I can try… I can--‘

Simon managed to force himself into a sitting position, but felt his heart sink when he saw just how far the helicopter was hovering above the ground. 

‘N-no, Daniel… I can’t… I-I mean even if I could, I wouldn’t be able to get up that ladder… And there’s nowhere for the helicopter to land…'

He let his mouth speak the words he’d denied his voice, afraid to lose any more thirium in an attempt to force his jaw shut.

“Simon… You… You can’t mean…?”

Siimon didn’t respond verbally, but the look in his eyes said it all… Daniel felt himself torn. He didn’t want to have to do this, but he couldn’t stick around and wait for the police to sweep the apartment. They would kill him. Completely destroy him. And he knew exactly how much it would hurt, and he couldn’t do it again; Not after he’d finally resolved to turn over a new leaf... But Simon… 

“I-I don’t want to… To do this, but… I have to, don’t I…? I-I can’t let them get me… The police, when they come… I-I… I don’t want to die… A-and you wanted me to want to live, right…? You--you said I should want to live, remember? That I-I shouldn't want to die? So it's okay that--that I don’t want to die… If Markus said it was safe, this is… I have to do this, don’t I…? Simon…? I-I’m really sorry!”

Daniel couldn’t will himself to face Simon as he rose to his feet, taking shaky strides toward the deafening roar of the helicopter blades. Anxious hands gripped the rungs to the ladder, hand over hand, foot over foot until Simon was completely alone. Except not really. He was worse than alone. Because there was a human somewhere on the roof with him just out of view.

It was like a game of cat and mouse, only the mouse was stuck in a trap. He couldn't move. He was completely defenseless, and he didn’t know who was here looking for him, or what they would do once they found him. If the helicopter was safe, like Markus had said, that was one thing. But Simon knew better than to trust a rooftop. Lots of things could happen on a rooftop, and none of them were good. For a mortal to challenge Fate by ascending to such heights was a transgression for which the punishment was death. Actually, death was more like a final absolution after the true punishment--vicious wire-snapping, frame-crushing torture. 

“Hey, you! Are you hurt…?”

Simon flinched at the unfamiliar voice he knew must have been addressing him. 

“That blue blood…? Is it yours…? Are you injured…? Did someone hurt you…?”

All Simon could do was shudder as he finally saw the face to go with the voice. A slightly overweight grey-haired man of relatively short stature. If Simon had met him under different circumstances, he certainly wouldn’t have been as intimidated, but right now, half-dead from thirium loss, with his left leg held on just barely with the help of Daniel’s pick of the clearance rack from Hot Topic, anyone and anything could pose a lethal threat. 

“Sir, can you speak…?”

Simon struggled to keep his stress response down so he could tap his throat twice with his fingertips, before running a flat hand, palm-down across his neck, as if to slash his own throat. Technically speaking, if he brought his voice back, he probably would be able to make a sound; he just didn’t trust himself to be able to say anything except the words his lips kept insisting he repeat. 

“No…? Alright, kid… No need to look so frightened… We’re going to get you help… Is that blue blood yours…? Your leg is bleeding, isn't it…?”

Anxiously, Simon pat his chest as if to express that the thirium had come from him, before motioning to his injured leg. He didn’t know where this was going, but for now, it seemed the safest thing to do was comply. 

“Alright… My friend up there is a tech; I’ll call her so she can--“

“Already here…”

Simon flinched at the second voice, belonging to another human who had come into view seeming from out of nowhere. Anxiety continuing to build, he held out his hands to keep this woman away. He needed space. He couldn’t breathe with humans so close. He needed them to get away! Before someone tried to grab him and take him to he didn’t know where and--

Simon collapsed where he was sitting, his stress level finally having risen out of control. This was where he was going to die. They would take him onto one of those horrible trucks, and tear him apart biocomponent by biocomponent, only to put him back together just to do it again. W-what did they want from him? He didn’t even know what they wanted from him! For what was he even dying this time? Nothing made sense, and everything was bad, and why was it so hard to--

“Your friend up there… His name is Daniel, right…? He says you need thirium… That your leg was injured yesterday, and you exacerbated your wound by trying to put weight on it up here…”

D-daniel…? Daniel had talked to this lady… What would that mean…? He didn’t know what to make of that information…

“He said you might not be able to move… Can I bring you some…?”

Simon blinked back helplessly at the woman, unable to plead for her to stay away from him. So she came closer, and took his wrist, placing a thirium pouch in his hand, which she then brought to his lips. He didn’t understand… What did she want…? Maybe he was more useful to these humans alive…? Well, it was true that there was little point in kidnapping a corpse… Still, he didn’t know what to do… Was it even safe to drink…?

“Go on… By the looks of it you’ve lost a good amount…”

Her voice was gentle, but Simon knew the danger of a gentle voice. Taking the suggestion as a command, he forced himself to choke down the whole pouch as quickly as he could manage, the taste of the stuff so vile that he had to consciously fight not to expel all he’d ingested onto the floor beside him. He hated thirium. The taste of it, the feel of it flooding his mouth… It was awful anywhere, but it couldn’t possibly be worse than out in the open air, tens of stories above the ground, as he was forced to come to terms with the fact that he had lost; he wouldn’t be making it down alive. 

“Good… Now can you tell me if you’re seeing any errors…? What is your thirium level…? And your stress level too?”

“I don’t think he can talk, Sarah--“

Maybe not, but he’d have to try. Three clicks…

“Leg is--M-m” 

Two clicks. Nope.

“Your leg…? Your leg is what…?”

Three clicks… 

“Leg is gone… Thirium…. Thirium 48 percen--M-ma--“ 

Two clicks. Closer. He could do this. He could--

“What’s wrong with your voice…?”

“Stress 118 rising…” 

Two clicks. He’d done it. That was all the information they’d needed. 

“118%? How is that even possible…? Is he too damaged to self-destruct…?”

“No, Collins… He might be one of the rarer cases… Look at his jaw…”

A four word sentence and Simon's stress level jumped from 118 to 130%. They had recognized him. They knew who he was and they knew what to do. It was over now. 

“Oh… Of course! He's _that_ Simon… I remember him… Shit! Poor kid must be terrified… Let’s get back in the helicopter… We’ll get his friend down, and then maybe we can try to get the elevator running. Is he stable enough to be left alone…? Until we can get him down, the last thing he needs is us bothering him here…”

“Yeah… I’ll leave another pouch with him in case he can drink it on his own once we leave… You have Connor’s number, right…? Tell Connor to update Markus…”

“Right…”

Simon held his breath, praying that the tech would make good on her word, and leave with the officer with whom she’d arrived. He might be able to steal a few more minutes… That would be just enough time to at least say his goodbyes… Blinking away tears, he waited until he could see them climbing the ladder, and mercifully, for whatever reason, he soon felt a strong wind blustering against his face, as the helicopter seemed to be moving away. 


	169. Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon is losing himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: (Referenced Sucide Attempt)
> 
> Will be discussed from chapters 168 and 169, as well as in a few later chapters. Each triggering chapter will be individually tagged accordingly.
> 
> If this might in any way upset you, please skip ahead to chapter 170, and watch out for the beginning of chapter notes, or even just stop reading altogether if you need.
> 
> Take care of yourselves! Stay safe and heed the tags! <3
> 
> P.S.  
> If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or thinking about please reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or 800-273-8255.
> 
> As long as you’re alive there’s hope, so please hold on, friends!

‘Markus! Daniel is on the helicopter… People came off, and--and they gave me thirium, but I convinced them to leave before they took me! I think I bought myself some time… So now before more come… I-I-- I wanted to use this time to say goodbye… Being your boyfriend has been the most fun I’ve ever had in my entire life… I love you more than words can say, let alone words limited by time and impaired cognition from thirium loss… Please, be well, and be safe… You are the best thing to ever happen to our people, and by far the best thing to ever happen to me… Move on, but know even through the nothingness of death, I’ll always find a way for my love to reach you. And please… try to remember me, if you would…? I-I… hope I’ve meant something to you, even if not as much as you’ve meant to me… Goodbye, my love…’

‘Simon! What do you mean goodbye? Do you see a timer…? Of course I could never forget you, and I love you more than you could possibly know… But I love you too much to accept that I won’t get to hold you again!'

‘N-no… No timer… They just… They’re going to kill me… Humans are going to find me here, and now they know how badly I’m injured, and--‘

‘No, Si… Please… please listen to me… No one is going to hurt you… You’re going to get down… Connor and I are trying to get the elevator back up again, and it should be easier now that they’ve gotten Daniel down… You’re going to be okay…’

He really wanted to believe Markus, but he knew it wasn’t true. He knew Markus would promise things he couldn’t make good on. Things like that he’d be here… That he’d help… That he’d make sure Simon would get down safely. But he knew now that any promise would be empty. He wasn’t coming down alive. 

‘N-no… No, I’m not… Markus, I keep seeing it… the gun, Connor approaching, knowing I’m going to have to do it, and not knowing what will come next… I can feel it, Markus! What  _ did _ come next! I know what they’re going to do to me, and I'm not--‘

‘Simon… Please… You’re scared and you’re injured, so you’re not thinking right. Just listen to me… I’ll leave Connor to deal with the elevator… Can you try to just focus on me…?’

‘I-I don’t think I can… Everything is too much… And it hurts, and everything’s spinning, and I can’t think… B-but I know-- I know what happens when they get me!’

‘No no no… No one’s getting anyone, Si… Why don’t we think of something nice… Like how you did a really good thing here, even if you were really stupid in how you went about it… Daniel just got down… He’s been escorted into an ambulance, and he’ll be taken to the Center so they can look him over and evaluate his mental state. You saved him… You saved his life.’

Y-yeah… That was true… Which was good… Good for everybody… 

‘I-I did… And now he can be… He can be your new PL600… He doesn’t flinch or fall, and he doesn’t cry as much… He works better, and he thinks better too, so you won’t have to be alone… J-just please, like I said, remember me…? I-I don’t want-- I’m afraid to be forgotten… Because then it’s like I’m really gone…’

‘My new PL6--? No, Simon! That--that’s awful! First, you’re not  _ my _ PL600; You’re not  _ anyone's _ PL600. You’re your own person, independent of any relationships you may or may not be in with anyone else… Second, I told you, I’m not into PL600s. I’m into  _ you _ . Third, he’s not better than you in any way. I don’t mind that you flinch, or fall or cry, or anything! I love all of you. And what we have together is something that can’t be replaced. You’re going to come down, and once your leg’s patched up, we’re going to talk about this until you can understand that. I love you and only you. Plain and simple… What else can we talk ab-- Wait a minute, Si… Connor’s messaging me… It’s about the elevator… I-I’ll be right back, okay…?’

‘O-okay…’

Simon knew Markus wouldn't be right back, but it wasn’t like he could object. Because even if he did object, it wasn’t like he would have been physically able to do anything to keep Markus from leaving. Besides, he wouldn’t have even if he could. It was better for Markus this way. Safer to keep away from him. So when the humans came, he’d be far enough not to get caught. The taste of thirium was growing stronger on his tongue…. Like fresh thirium bursting up from the burning hole in his jaw. His chest was hollow. Had his thirium pump already been taken? It hurt. Everything hurt. And he was alone… He could see the sky above him, and it felt wrong… Like something was making him see the sky. Because he knew he couldn’t see. He knew he couldn't see, yet something was making him see the sky… Why was it doing that…? To trick him somehow…? It wasn’t working, if that was it… He hadn’t dropped his guard at all. Because someone was making him see this, most likely as an interlude before the next torture session, and if they gave him a voice right here and right now he was sure he’d die on the spot but--

‘Simon…? I-I’m back… Listen, I… I’m going to need you to do something for me, okay…?’

Shit!

‘M-markus…? Stop! D-don’t message me right now! I-I know they’re planning something… They’re showing me the sky to keep me complacent, and I know if I think of you then they can--‘

‘I… I know I’m going to regret asking, but who’s “they”, love?’

Simon groaned, frustrated and tired. How the fuck should he know? It wasn’t like he could see them! And what did it matter anyway…? Did it matter…? Another stupid thing he didn’t fucking know!

‘I-I’m not sure! Bad people! They’re going to hurt me to hurt you, and I don’t want them to have this link so please stop--‘

‘Listen to me very carefully… I need you to close your eyes, breathe for a moment, and then open them again for me… Can you do that…?’

‘Y-yeah… yeah I can do that…’

Simon closed his eyes and took a gulp of air, tainted slightly by the lingering taste of thirium on his tongue. He didn’t like the dark, but Markus had told him to, and he needed to do what Markus said in order to get him to stop messaging. Opening his eyes, Simon couldn’t help but stare up in shock, as he still saw the same sky. If they’d been making him see it, how come it went away when he closed his eyes, and came back just when he opened them. It didn’t make sense. At least, not unless Markus was right… 

‘I-I’m seeing sky… I can see…?’

‘Yeah, Si… You can see… Does it feel better knowing that…?’

‘Y-yeah… I’m… I’m sorry… I’m just… it’s hard… You--you said Connor’s trying to help…? L-like to help so… so nothing bad happens…?’


	170. Do-Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon must do what was once impossible.

‘Connor has been trying to help, but the super of the apartment complex is insistent that the police check every floor before they get the building running again… Connor says the guy won’t change his mind, since Daniel was involved. Asshole only cares that this is a PR nightmare for his building and wants to make a showy display of strength. But can you get to your crutches…? Come to the edge of the rooftop. We’ve managed to convince the fire department to set up an inflatable rescue mat…’ Markus explained. 

Inflatable rescue mat…? How would that help him…? Markus had to know he couldn’t-- t-there was no way he could--

‘W-wait…’ Simon’s thirium ran cold. ‘You… You want me to jump…? Markus, I-I can’t! I’m not--‘

‘Yes, Simon, you can. And then we can get you to a tech, and fix everything. You’re going to be okay…’

‘Markus, I-I won’t make it! I can’t! I can’t do it!’

‘Si, trust me. You can do it. I’m right here waiting for you at the bottom. I’ve got you, love, okay…?’ 

N-no… What did it matter where Markus was? He--he couldn’t do this! That was the whole fucking point! He would hit the ground and shatter into a million pieces upon impact, and the humans would collect the pieces and put them back together and get inside his head until they found a way to kill everybody all because he was too useless to even fall right… How fucking stupid to be so worthless that he couldn’t even accomplish a task where gravity did 95% of the work!

‘Markus, I can’t! I'm not going to make it! Y-you--you  _ know _ I'm not!’

‘Please, Si… Can you at least come to the edge and see…?’

It was probably the thirium loss, but Simon was too tired to argue. It was easier to just agree. 

‘I-I can try to come closer… But I don’t think I can pull myself up… The helicopter people… They gave me thirium, but it wasn’t enough… I’m still not feeling right…’

Dragging himself on the cold cement felt concerningly familiar; muscle memory strong enough that it was almost as if his body was built for such a motion. He was built to be broken. How morbid. But he couldn’t deny the accuracy there… His joints ached as he forced them forward, thirium trickling from his wrists and elbows, and the hard slate tiles scraped against his upper chest, somewhat exposed by the oversized neckline of North’s shirt, but his body knew to keep moving. Until he was at the edge. A square inch of stone lining was the only barrier between him and the ground, so far below, the crowd around the building appeared like ants, with no clear distinction between any one individual and another.

‘I-I can’t see you… On the ground… I-it’s too far… I-I’m can’t see you!’

‘Stay calm; that’s okay. This is good! You’ve made it to the edge! Can you see the mat…?’

‘I do, but-- Markus, I can’t make it! I-I know I can’t! I-I’m not--‘

‘I promise you, Si… I’ve got you… Just let yourself go, and I’m here…’

Simon wanted to scream. Stop fucking promising! Promises only made the hurt worse! He couldn’t let himself go, couldn’t Markus see? He couldn't let himself go because he was all he’d ever had!

‘I-I’m scared… I’m really scared, Markus… I-I’ve lost too much thirium, and my leg is shot, and it’s so high up, and… I-I don’t think-- I’m not going to make it…’

‘You're be fine, but your odds will be better the sooner we can get you help… Please, Si, you have to trust me!’

The worst part about Markus’ words was that they made sense… And he knew he couldn’t think right, so they probably made more sense than his own logic, but… 

‘I-I… You… you promise you’ve got me…? T-that it’ll be okay…?’

‘I promise. Come down, love… I’m right here…’

This was something his body wasn’t meant to do. He summoned all the strength he could manage to throw his weight to throw his lower body over the edge. His injured leg cracked painfully against the side of the building, but he maintained his grip, clinging desperately to the rooftop with his upper body. He was bleeding profusely now, fighting his stress response, just to keep from falling before he was ready. It felt like gravity, itself, had wrapped a hand around his waist, hell-bent on dragging his sorry form through to the Earth’s core. But he couldn’t will himself to let go. He was tired, and it hurt more than he’d been prepared for, and he was sure he was spilling thirium all over the crowd of spectators below him, but he just couldn’t do it! 

He'd known he couldn’t do it! All he'd done was found a quicker, more spectacular way to bleed out. But the last thing he had wanted was to bleed out on all these eyes. They burned. Everything burned. His ears were ringing, and his vision was beginning to dance, and he didn’t need to see the timer to know he was dying… Death was a lot like falling in a way… His thirium pump stopped when he finally collided with something solid. And then he melted away into nothing. Except… this time, arms took him… He could feel the arms… They were gentle. 

‘Simon! You--you made it, Si! Just rest now, okay… I’ll get you to a tech… I’ve got you now…’

M-markus…? Instinctively Simon curled into the body holding him close, unsure of how he’d wound up in Markus’ arms, but too tired to do anything more than let himself be carried away by his beloved. He’d blacked out just before Markus had managed to sneak off to an ambulance waiting for him at the end of the block, but even unconscious, he clung to Markus’ touch. As long as his thirium pump was still beating, at least some part of him knew that Markus was safety. Markus was home. 


	171. Regrouping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus and Daniel address the elephant in the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: (Referenced Sucide Attempt)
> 
> Will be discussed in this chapter, as well as in a few later chapters. Each triggering chapter will be individually tagged accordingly.
> 
> If this might in any way upset you, please skip ahead to chapter 172, and watch out for the beginning of chapter notes, or even just stop reading altogether if you need.
> 
> Take care of yourselves! Stay safe and heed the tags! <3
> 
> P.S.  
> If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or thinking about please reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or 800-273-8255.
> 
> As long as you’re alive there’s hope, so please hold on, friends!

Markus let the techs work as they rode to the Center, but refused to let go of Simon’s hand. He held it against his face, pressing it tightly to his frame as if to physically remind himself that Simon had made it down safely. Simon was here. Simon was okay. So he refused to let go, until someone pulled them apart once they’d arrived at the Center, presumably to whisk Simon away to the operating room, leaving Markus to finally collapse on his bleeding dysfunctional legs. Soft hands placed him into a chair, and wheeled him into a nearby room, at which point Kara handed him a thirium pouch, and sat in heavy silence. 

“...what…?” He offered simply.

“You came back from DC today… I told Simon to wait until you came back to come back to work, but… He thought that would be a death sentence… Was he--“

“No… Daniel… got into trouble… Nothing to do with me or anyone else… Where is Daniel…? Don’t like him alone…”

“I’m pretty sure Veronica’s looking after him. She says he’s physically unharmed, but severely distressed about what happened. He seems to think it’s his fault, and he won’t stop talking about Simon…”

“Could you ask her to bring him here…? --and Si too, once they’re done with him…”

Kara nodded in agreement, thinking aloud as she arranged for Daniel to be transferred into her care with Markus. 

“Daniel blames himself… If Simon followed him there… Does that mean he had planned on…?”

“I… don’t feel it’s my place to say… If Daniel wishes to speak on the subject when he gets here, that’s his choice… And I don’t even understand everything that precipitated this. I-I just got home… I hadn’t even been home for five minutes when the gun went off, and I fell asleep looking after Simon, only to wake up after he and Daniel had already left… Shit, Kara, it’s been way too long a day…”

“I can imagine, Markus… But you’ve certainly gotten through worse before…”

Daniel trudged in through the door, his shirt torn and stained with thirium that a quick scan informed Markus wasn’t his own. A friendly looking woman with auburn hair tied up in a long ponytail had a hand on his back, as he came in to take a seat. 

“Thank you, Veronica. I can take things from here…” Kara smiled pleasantly. 

“Okay… Let me know if you need anything. Take care, Daniel, Markus…”

Markus didn’t respond. He hadn’t been paying enough attention to know he’d even been addressed. He was too concerned with the far-off look on Daniel’s face. 

“...I didn’t mean for that…”

“I know, Daniel…”

“No. Either time… The gun or the rooftop… Wrong place wrong time, and--“

“I know... But now you’re in his debt.”

“W-what do you mean…?” 

Daniel blinked up at Markus, surprised to hear him speak like this. Even Kara had stepped back at Markus’ uncharacteristically threatening tone. 

“You need to live. You don’t have the right to throw your life away. I mean, you should have never tried to before because there’s always an opportunity for a happy future that you can’t get back if you take your life, but now I think it’s become painfully apparent that your life isn’t just yours to end. Even if you don’t think you matter, people care about you.”

Markus still looked deathly intense, but Daniel saw something softer in his eyes and realized: Markus had been afraid for him. Markus hadn’t wanted him to die, and somehow determined that he could harness the guilt and intimidation Daniel felt to pressure him into valuing life. 

“I… never wanted to die…” Daniel offered. “...I was trying to get up the nerve to shoot myself when Simon came into my room without warning, and I got startled and misfired by accident. And then at the rooftop, when Simon found me, I still hadn’t been able to will myself to jump… It was so easy for Si to convince me not to... I just… I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to… to live my life without hurting good people… He was betrayed by his family too, but he didn’t hurt anyone. He accepted it… He swung the whole other way and blamed himself even. But he never caused anyone harm. And I don’t want to-- I don’t want for good people to get hurt because of the shit decisions I make… Even now, when I was trying to do what I thought was right, Simon got hurt…”

“You saw what happened to him…”

The statement came out like a question, as Markus put the pieces together and realized what had set Daniel off to begin with. 

“He showed me everything to explain for why he was so weird at the mall… And it made me realize that everything bad that happens to me… It’s my fault….”

“Simon didn’t make the right choices either. Granted, he didn’t lash out against anyone, even people who… might have deserved it… But he internalized his issues. I love him with all my being, but… he’s not the model to follow… You both have had similar experiences, and handled them badly in different ways. Now all you can do is grow from it… What’s past is past… It’s not easy, but… Everyone has stuff to work through… And we can all work through it together… I have hope for you… And I know he does too… That’s why he risked his life to save you… When I first found Jericho, he told me I was lost… That we all were… That we didn’t ask for this, but all we could do moving forward was deal with it… And I think that he was right on that in more ways than he could have possibly known.”

“Do you think… Do you think he’ll be mad at me…? I-I got on the helicopter… He couldn’t come with… And I know, I thought… Because Connor, I thought that… But I still got on… Without him…”

Markus pressed a hand to his right eye in an attempt to keep it from grinding around in its socket. 

“You saw what happened to him… You know the answer to that… I-I… I’m not thrilled that you did… But of anyone, I’m among the least qualified to judge you… And he got down… I held him until we arrived here… I… probably didn’t deserve to, but… I-I…”

Markus went silent as he tried to work himself down, his stress level rising dangerously at the thought. 

“...I wanted to… Wanted to be there…”

“He loves you… That was the only reason I didn’t shoot you back in my room… Your room… Right… Why I didn’t shoot you in your room...”

A subtle smirk across his face, Markus relaxed slightly.

“You sound like an overprotective little brother… It’s… pretty cute…”

“I… would have liked for us to have been born brothers… If we were human, I mean...”

“Would that make us brothers in law?”

“Fuck if I know… Humans and their complicated words… Brother’s BF, and BF’s brother are more straightforward…”

Sensing the ease in tension, Kara stepped forward.

“Daniel… As the tech whose care you’ve been placed under, I do feel obligated to ask you explicitly… You’re here because you tried to kill yourself, independent of any stress-related self destruction mechanism… Do you still feel even slightly inclined to consider similar behaviors in the future…?” 

“No… I… I think I’ve just been… learning… It’s weird to learn you want to live…”

“That’s wonderful… And I’m glad you’ve come around on yourself… Now, as a friend, I’m messaging someone your number… He’s a professional who helps a good friend of mine… I think you could do well with him too… He… had similar thoughts about himself for a while, and now… he’s doing much better… Speaking of which, Markus, if I can get Hank to take Al for the night, once Simon’s better, would you like to go out on a triple date?”

“Are Jared and Ralph still seeing each other? That’s adorable! Definitely. How about a movie night at New Jericho! I was just telling Si about how I want to watch Nightmare Before Christmas with him later…”

“Hey… I think I saw something about that movie when Simon and I went to the Hot Topic… ”

Kara snickered. 

“Daniel, you took Simon to Hot Topic…? I mean, I guess, that explains the outfit, but… He’s so mild! It must have been like Alice’s Where’s Waldo books, only super easy. Spot the one person who doesn’t look like they’ve ever cried to Welcome to the Black Parade.”

“How the hell do you know about all that stuff, Kara?”

“When we take Alice to the mall, Luther and I always make sure we know the products and target market of each store before we let her explore them… I learned that lesson the hard way. Whose idea was it to stock the front of Spencer’s Gifts with cartoon backpacks and footsie pajamas?!?”

Markus smiled bittersweetly. 

“I remember when Carl sent me to one of those for errands a while back. In hindsight, I think he was just trying to deviate me early, and to his credit, when the man at the counter gave me a penis-shaped lollipop after I gave him Carl’s name, I did nearly break the red wall right then and there…”

Daniel raised an eyebrow. 

“Carl, like your dad…? Your dad asked you to buy him a phallic candy to suck…?”

“Yeah… He’s what you would call a cool dad…”

“Don’t listen to Markus, Daniel… That’s what you call a cool dad to a man-child. Cool dads of actual children do not make them go shopping for… that…”

“Fair. Luther is very cool… Can confirm… I know it’s not a competition, but I can’t help but think that Simon would be the coolest dad once the legality of Android adoption becomes clarified…”

“You want to have kids with Simon? That’s wonderful, Markus!”

Markus waved at Kara dismissively. 

“No, it’s not something we’ve discussed. Just a random thought… Picture Si, a little kid on his shoulders… He’d spoil the poor thing rotten! Well no… If… if we were co-parenting, he’d probably be the stricter one… Disciplined as I might seem on tv, I really can be a man-child… And Simon’s remarkably responsible… Speaking of my responsible boyfriend, Kara, do you have news on his condition…? I’m trying to keep myself distracted with all this small talk, but the fact is, I really need to know he’s okay…”

Kara held up a hand, her led cycling yellow as she contacted the techs working on Simon at the moment. 

“He’s stable, but… he’s going to be a while… The techs are having difficulty with his leg… They say a lot of the wiring has been burnt, and that something’s melted awkwardly between some of the copper fibers. They’re doing the best they can, but… Like I said, they’re going to be a while…”

And just like that, any air of relative calm that had somehow managed to creep over the room was gone.

Markus took his left hand in his right, squeezing his knuckles against his palm until they hurt. Even with Simon’s hug-gloves, he knew the newly-recovered limb probably couldn’t handle much more pressure. But he wanted it to hurt. He wanted to remember the pain, to will himself to meet Kara’s eyes as he pressed for more information. 

“They’ll save it, right…? T-they’ll be able to save it, won’t they?”

“I promise they’ll do whatever they can, Markus… Please, try not to worry…”

That was too far off from a yes to be anywhere near comforting. He could feel tears beginning to prick at the corners of his eyes, followed by a sympathetic hand on his shoulder. Daniel had come to his side, a companion in guilt and misery. 

“He’ll be okay, boys... It’ll all be alright in the end…”

Kara’s voice caught the two off guard for just long enough that she was able to sneak a hand over each led, knocking both men out before either could even think to object… Carefully, she placed Daniel back into his own chair, so that he and Markus could each rest comfortably in sleep mode until the other techs had finished working on Simon. 


	172. Okay Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus gets to see Simon.

Markus woke up to find Daniel sleeping across from him, a large bed filling most of the room. Large bed…? Simon! Markus shot up from his seat to find Simon completely pantsless, with bandages snaking up the length of his left leg from his knee to his upper thigh, some sort of articulated brace running from his foot to his hips, where it wrapped around his waist like some kind of a belt. It looked bulky and uncomfortable, but at least there was still a leg attached to his body. That had to have been at least a slightly good sign… He cupped a hand around Simon’s cheek, and Simon unconsciously turned his face in toward the touch. Markus could almost see the hint of a smile, as he rubbed his thumb along Simon’s jawline. 

“Markus… you’re up…”

“Knock me out again…?”

“I wasn’t going to leave you so worried like that, especially not before we even knew if there was any reason to worry in the first place.”

Markus frowned, gathering the nerve to ask what he knew had gone unspoken. 

“Which begs the question, Kara… Is there…?”

“From what I’ve heard, probably not… They were able to pick out most of the rubber, and replace the damaged wiring… His self-healing program is going to need a long while to completely recover from that, so it’s going to be a few weeks of limited mobility, but if he keeps the brace on, and doesn’t try to overexert himself, I’ve been told it’s reasonable to expect a full recovery… Did you notice we’ve removed his neckbrace though? His previous injuries have healed wonderfully. For what it’s worth. Simon’s incredibly resilient.”

“He is a strong one… He’s had good techs too… I’ll make sure he keeps off his feet… Have you replenished his thirium…? And how’s he going to feel when he wakes up…?”

“His thirium is perfect… As for when he wakes up, he’s… not going to be feeling 100% for a while… The first few hours should be the worst of it, but I wouldn’t expect for him to be feeling great even after that...”

Brushing a hand through Simon’s hair, he nodded. Unpleasant as it was to hear, he couldn’t deny it was expected. 

“Right… That… makes sense… Thank you… Everyone here, I mean… For making sure he’s going to wind up okay…”

Kara smiled slyly. 

“You talk about him in your sleep…”

“I do…?”

“You weren’t even dreaming of anything in particular, or at least, not that I could see, but when Jared wheeled his bed in, somehow someone said his name, and you got this big dopey grin on your face… Plus, I’m pretty sure I heard his name come from you a few times, although I couldn’t make out anything else…”

“I just… I really love him…”

“I know you do… He’s special to quite a lot of people… My family’s been messaging for regular updates, as have North, Josh, the Anderson household, a few former patients from the Center, and a woman named Lucy, who also sent me something to print out for Daniel… It looked like a page from some sort of encyclopedia. Zephyranthes, the red rain lily. A red flower native to this area that apparently symbolizes rebirth and new beginnings…”

Kara handed Markus a sheet of paper. 

“This is the flower she gave Daniel when they met… He put it in our garden. She wanted him to repot it and take care of it, so right before I left, we bought all sorts of gardening supplies… Rebirth and new beginnings… It never ceases to amaze me how heartfelt and brilliant she can be! You’d like Lucy. She’s great. She met Daniel once, and somehow, she just knew…. She saw potential for a new life in Daniel… It’s beautiful really… I think he would be happy to know about it.”

Markus could feel Simon press up against his hand, and smiled. Cute. He loved how Simon was so drawn to his touch. As if having read his thoughts, weak hands gracelessly wrapped themselves around Markus’ arm, pulling him nearer as Simon unconsciously tried to bring him closer. A low tone seeped from Simon’s throat as he nestled into Markus’ hand, scrunching his cheek into the heel of Markus palm. Three lazy clicks of the tongue, and Simon didn’t even bother moving to make eye contact as he tested his voice.

“...come…”

Markus inched his chair closer to Simon to better be able to hold him.

“...Daniel…?”

“He’s fine, Si… He’s in sleep mode a few feet away. You saved him… You’re always saving people… Just… take care of yourself… Please…”

It took Simon a moment to digest that information, before he realized why he felt like he’d been hit by a truck. 

“...r-rooftop…”

“Yeah… You got back down…. And Kara says you’re going to be fine after a few weeks… You just need your rest…”

That was good news… So Simon didn’t understand why it somehow made him feel worse… Everything hurt, and a few weeks didn’t mean anything specific… Neither did fine, come to think of it… A few just meant more than one… So it would take him more than one week to be fine… Except fine was relative… If fine meant alive, well, that was convenient, but why did everything hurt…? Everything except his leg…? And why did he still feel like the worst was yet to come…? He figured he’d be full-on panicking if he’d had the energy to spare on fear. Everything felt wrong, but he couldn’t process any of it. He hated it. He just wanted to hold onto Markus until it all went away. 

“What’s wrong, love…? You’re shivering…? Are you cold…?”

“...dunno… stay…?”

“Yeah Si… I’ve got you… I’ve got you now, okay…?”

The weird thing about losing time was that sometimes Simon found himself losing track of the time he’d lost. He knew he’d been clinging to Markus, but it felt like he was living a movie, where someone had cut out large chunks of film. The room around him would change in what felt like a blink of an eye. Kara would be by his side, saying something to Markus, and then she’d be gone. Daniel would be looking over him, only to be on the other side of the room… Out of nowhere, balloons and a hastily drawn get well card appeared on top of a small table by his bed. He was sure he’d been saying something… He’d been making conversation, but he couldn’t quite remember his own words. The only constant was Markus. 

The most time he’d lost must have been a few hours in a row because he could see from the window that the sun had begun to set, where it had still been proper daylight to the last of his memory. He felt less foggy after that, but the pain was much sharper now. And now that he could think more clearly, he realized why he’d been so afraid. He’d been shot in the leg, and left alone to bleed out on a fucking rooftop, barely able to drag his nearly dismembered body over the edge and into… Death… He thought he’d died… He was clinging to the edge, but then everything went black… 

“...’mnot dead…?”

“Not dead…? No Si, I should hope not… Why…?”

“...died… o’th’rooftop… like before… couldn’t jump…”

“No, love… You made it down, remember…?”

“...no… don’rember…”

Markus smiled back at Simon, his eyes patient and soft. 

“You got to the edge, and you were scared to let go… But you did… You let go, and I took you here… And we’ve been here for a few hours now, but you’ve been okay… You’ve been quite the cuddler in your sleep…”

“...’mscared…Was there ‘gain… y-y’said wun’ b’there ‘gain…”

“No, love… You weren’t… You were on the rooftop, but… It wasn’t like that… And look at me, Si… You got down… You got down on your own… And you’re okay…”

“...this time… dunno ‘bout next…”

Markus shook his head. 

“There’s not going to be a next time… But regardless, that’s not the point… You got down… Simon, you handled that all on your own… And you did it…”

“...‘mstill scared… ‘sthat bad…? ‘Msorry if…”

“Shhhh… No, Si… It’s fine, love… Everything’s fine… I’m right here to remind you that you’re okay now…”


	173. Alibi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon knows they're not telling him something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: Repair Whump
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: (Unsuccessful Suicide Attempt)
> 
> Will be discussed from chapters 173-174, as well as in a few later chapters. Each triggering chapter will be individually tagged accordingly.
> 
> If this might in any way upset you, please skip ahead to chapter 175, and watch out for the beginning of chapter notes, or even just stop reading altogether if you need.
> 
> Take care of yourselves! Stay safe and heed the tags! <3
> 
> P.S.  
> If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or thinking about please reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or 800-273-8255.
> 
> As long as you’re alive there’s hope, so please hold on, friends!

Simon held tighter to Markus, flinching into his chest as he heard someone approaching.

“I still don’t get why you dumb fucks let Connor in here! I try to give these lovebirds a moment of privacy, and the next thing you know, I’m hiding behind a corner, and looking over my shoulder to make sure his deviant-hunter ass doesn’t follow me back… You’re lucky I know better than to kill him now, or I’d be coming back here holding his severed head by that stupid slicked-back hair of his! Kara, can’t you make him leave?”

“...C-Connor…?”

“Oh… Hey Simon… Welcome back to the world of the living. Prince Charming kiss you awake, or you get up on your own…?”

The discomfort in Daniel’s voice had made it clear that he hadn’t expected for Simon to be awake when he’d strolled in and announced his displeasure at Connor’s presence. 

“...’s he hurt…?”

“Connor…? No, I said I didn’t hurt him… He was fine… Sitting there, playing with some stupid coin in a half-untucked shirt with his tie all weird. I bet the stupid shit just forgot how to wear it…”

So if he wasn’t hurt… Why was he here…? W-what did he want…? Sensing the tension radiating from Simon’s frame, Markus pulled him closer, rubbing slow circles in the small of his back. 

‘It’s okay, Si… Nothing to worry about…’

‘W-why Connor…? Why is he here…?’

‘I don’t know, love, but he’s allowed to be here… He’s got his own life to live… Try not to think too hard on it. I think you’re still a bit overwhelmed…’

‘I-I am… I’m sorry, but… I-I--‘

‘Si. In the past eight hours, you’ve been shot, had a bullet removed for your leg while you were still fully conscious, broken into a building, talked Daniel from jumping off said building, rebroken your leg, jumped off that building, and spent a long stretch of time in the operating room. Oh, and you’ve probably bled yourself half to death at least a good three times along the way… So I think you might have at least a little bit of a right to be a bit overwhelmed…’

Right… It had been a crazy long day… His sense of time had been so fucked up, he had almost forgotten…

“Markus, I need your-- Oh. Is Simon awake…? Hi Simon… Sorry, I was just checking in on the YK wing, and… How are you feeling…?” 

“Y’need Markus…?”

“Oh… Um… I… had… wanted to ask him to… sign this get-well card… Jared and the YKs made it and they left room for him to put his name…”

Markus looked at Kara, aware that she was clearly lying, but very confused as to why…

‘I was going to say that I need your help… Connor’s here for Simon in the waiting room on behalf of the DPD… He says that he was sent here to get an explanation as to what happened, given that the police were called to a scene with Daniel breaking into his old apartment where another android was found near-fatally wounded. He says he doesn’t suspect foul play, but he’s legally obligated to look into it regardless, and that speaking with Simon would help put an end to this…’ 

‘I’m not going to ask that of him… Kara, Si’s been through hell over the past few hours. He’s been stressed as it is, but this… This is a new level of awful, and I can’t even get into the details with you as to why… Don’t make him talk to Connor! Don’t even suggest letting Connor in!’

“...M-markus….?”

Markus sighed… Even wounded, exhausted, and stressed out of his mind, Simon wasn’t stupid. It was clear Simon knew something was up. 

“It’s nothing, love… Kara just wanted to see how my hand’s been holding up, but she didn’t want to bother with that while you’re awake… So I just messaged her saying it’s fine… I’d say your hug gloves did the trick…”

Daniel shook his head, reaching a hand out to Markus, before pulling it back with a growl, clearly conflicted. He knew this had to do with Connor… It was too coincidental that he’d seen Connor outside, and then when Kara came back, she had something to say, but stopped upon seeing Simon was awake… But if Kara had needed Markus to deal with Connor, then why wouldn’t Markus be honest about that? What was his goal in keeping Simon in the dark…?  _ In the dark _ … Daniel dug his nails into his arm, and paced the floor for a moment, before spitting out a string of swears. 

“Fuck it! I-I don’t give a shit if we’ve learned now that I’m no better than you! This doesn’t feel right! I still don’t trust you!”

“Daniel, what are you--“

Before Markus could finish his sentence, Daniel took his arm to take his thoughts. Simon flinched into Markus at the invasion, his artificial skin crawling as he knew the feel of an unwanted hand reaching into his mind, but Markus was too shocked to even pull back. Still, Daniel must have gotten whatever he needed, because he quickly released Markus, arm and brushed himself off. 

“Right, then… Good… Good… Well, not good, but not what I was expecting… Okay… that’s okay...”

Only after Daniel had spoken, did Markus even realize what had happened. He felt both horrified and indignant-- well not indignant… Indignant implied he felt he hadn’t deserved such a disrespect. He knew he’d deserved it but it hurt all the same… Worse for it, even… But that didn't matter right now. Not when he could feel Simon trembling in his arms. 

“Are you okay, Simon…?”

‘H-he took from you… He wanted something and he didn’t think you would give it willingly so he just… A-are  _ you _ okay…? Why are you asking if  _ I‘m _ okay…? W-why did he do that…? I-I’ve lost time here, b-but has he taken anything more…? H-how much has he taken and what does he w--‘

Two clicks and Simon hid his face shamefully against Markus’ chest as he once again found his mouth moving on its own accord. 

“Explain yourself, Daniel. You and I both know why that was highly inappropriate.”

“R-right... I’m sorry, Simon… I just wanted to protect you… I… got the wrong idea about something, and I thought… I-I was only trying to protect you. But it’s fine… The danger I feared wasn’t real… I should have just asked Markus to show me, but… it’s hard for me to come up with alternative solutions when I’m stressed and angry…”

That made sense, but… what something…? Why did he need protection…? Or if he didn’t, why would Daniel have thought…? And what did that have to do with trusting Markus…?

‘Y-you guys are acting weird… All of you since Daniel came back… W-why are you being weird…? Is--is there something bad…? Something bad is happening…?’

“No, Si… No, everything’s fine… Nothing bad is happening… We’re just-- Look, Connor’s outside, and he wanted to talk to you to get a statement about what happened, but we didn’t want you to have to deal with that now. Even if he needs it to close his investigation into what happened today, he can wait; You’re not in any state to see him like this…”

‘C-Connor’s here… for me…? To… to get information about… About what happened at the  _ rooftop _ ?‘

Of course. He'd been so stupid! It had never been just about surviving the jump. It didn't matter that he'd lived; he'd been broken, incapacitated, and stuck here where they could send Connor after him for information. He should have just died on the rooftop! He'd always been meant to die!

But Markus calmly shook his head. 

'No, love… Not like that… The police just want to understand why Daniel broke into the building, and how someone managed to get hurt… But that’s why we weren’t going to tell you… We didn’t want you to worry, and we’re not going to have you speak to him like this…’

‘W-what are we going to do…? I-is he going to leave…? How do we get him to leave?!? H-he is going to leave, right…? A-and he won’t come in…? P-please don't let him come in!' 

Markus hated the fear he could feel from Simon’s message… He knew Simon was still somewhat afraid of Connor, and, more recently, by extension, Nines as well, but… he was usually better at hiding it, or at least better at talking himself down. Right now though, his fear was so strong, it seemed like he almost believed that Connor would walk straight through the walls of Kara’s room to take him off to RA9 knew where…

‘No, love… No one’s coming in without your permission, least of all Connor… He’s our friend, remember…? I’m sure he’d leave if we asked him to…’

‘But what if he doesn’t leave…? M-Markus what if he doesn’t--‘

Simon wasn’t sure why he asked… He wanted reassurance, but he also knew the answer… They would all be killed if he didn’t give himself up. But he was so scared… He… he had to do it, but…

‘I-I… I’ll talk to him… I-I…’

Simon pushed away from Markus, and forced himself upright, concerned at how heavy his head felt on his shoulders. He tried to force his legs over the edge of the bed, but he was terrified to find he couldn’t move his lower body at all, except for a stretch of his right leg from the knee down. Struggling to fight against this newfound immobility, he was quickly overtaken by fear, rendering his entire body limp and useless, as Markus set him back down onto the bed. 

“No, Si… You need to rest. Gain your strength…”

Three clicks. 

“N-no… I-I need… I need to--to speak with Connor! Or he might-- he-- I-I need to speak to him, so he doesn’t--“

“Hush up, Simon… I’ll take care of it… Kara’s already back out there to try and talk to him, but I’ll see if I can get him out the door…”

“N-no! Da--“

“You don’t have to do that, Daniel…”

“Can it, Markus… Honestly, it’d make my day to tell him to go fuck himself… Not a problem on my end… See you in a few…”

“Daniel, No! M-Markus, don’t let him--“

Markus cupped Simon's cheek, meeting his worried gaze with a reassuring smile. 

“Everything’s fine, love… Just lie back and rest…”

Simon whimpered, knowing he was helplessly confined to his bed. He couldn’t move to stop Daniel, and even if he could, he wouldn’t be strong enough to get past Markus in his current state… I-it wasn’t fair! Daniel didn’t deserve to die for his weakness!


	174. Software Instability

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daniel meets with Connor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: (Unsuccessful Suicide Attempt)
> 
> Will be discussed from chapters 173-174, as well as in a few later chapters. Each triggering chapter will be individually tagged accordingly.
> 
> If this might in any way upset you, please skip ahead to chapter 175, and watch out for the beginning of chapter notes, or even just stop reading altogether if you need.
> 
> Take care of yourselves! Stay safe and heed the tags! <3
> 
> P.S.  
> If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or thinking about please reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or 800-273-8255.
> 
> As long as you’re alive there’s hope, so please hold on, friends!

“Connor…”

Connor blinked for a minute. He’d never heard Simon speak so sharply before. There was a venom in his voice that--

“Daniel…?”

“Simon’s not coming, so whatever you want from him, you’ll get from me.”

Connor’s thirium pump stuttered in his chest. He knew he’d killed them both. Hell, he’d wronged Simon far worse than he had Daniel. But Simon was softer… More forgiving… If not for Simon’s fear, it was easy to forget anything had ever happened between them. He could never forget what had happened with Daniel. Daniel was cold. There was a muted fury in his eyes. Like he was preconstructing a million ways to tear Connor apart right there. And Connor knew if Daniel chose to carry out any one of those preconstructions, he wouldn’t be in the wrong to do so. 

“R-right…” 

Connor seemed to take a sudden interest in his tie, adjusting it dutifully, never quite satisfied with how the knot made it rest against his chest. 

“I was… I was just sent by… N-no, I mean… I came for… To inquire about what happened… Because the DPD has launched an investigation, and I don’t believe you’ve meant any harm… You did not engage with any of the residents, and Simon came after you had already arrived. So I just need to know what happened…”

Daniel smirked. 

“All that processing ability and you can’t figure it out yourself…? What else would I have been trying to do on that rooftop? Why else would Simon have come over-- _ without Markus _ \-- to stop me…? The poor bastard's scared shitless of heights after what you made him do. You think he came after me so we could have an impromptu tea party?”

“It doesn’t matter what I think, Daniel… Please, I want to ensure that no ill should befall anyone for whom it is undeserved.”

“Are you threatening me…? I finally found the will to live again, finally found a family of my own, and you want to take that away from me…?”

Connor’s led cycled yellow before blipping red. 

“You went up there to kill yourself…"

“Brilliant deduction from Cyberlife’s most advanced prototype. Gold star for you! Now will you get the fuck out of here?”

“You chose the building because it was the one place you knew for certain would work…”

“Sure… go on… Why not…?”

“I just don’t understand how Simon’s leg was broken… It couldn’t have been his stress response… The techs said it was damaged right down to the wiring… And with the splintering of the frame, it looks like he’d been shot…”

Daniel winced. 

“I shot him. Earlier that morning… I hadn’t meant to. I had meant to shoot myself, but… He startled me while I was trying to work up the nerve, and the gun misfired, and Josh barely saved the leg… It was already damaged before we got to the roof. That’s why I went to the roof, because I knew it worked last time, and thought if I tried it that way he wouldn’t get hurt. I messaged him a note… A goodbye of sorts… And he didn’t want to say goodbye… So he followed me on crutches… And when the bitch locked us out, he got so scared at the idea of being trapped up there, that he didn’t think. He put weight on the leg and it snapped… So yeah… that’s how it happened…”

Connor looked up at Daniel, speechless. In his head, he had a catalogue of every word from every extant spoken language, but he couldn’t find a way to string together any of those millions of words to express his regret for how everything had panned out. 

“You were my first software instability…” He offered lamely. 

“You would have been my last if you’d had your way back then… Y’know, I've wanted to kill you for a while… You’re lucky Markus and Simon convinced me that there would be no point… So, Detective Anderson… Have enough information to leave my family the fuck alone…?”

Daniel hated the way Connor’s face looked like that of a kicked puppy. It was so hard to hate him when his face looked so different. 

“W-why do you look like that…? Your face… You didn’t look or talk like this before!”

“I… I was a machine, Daniel… I couldn’t feel, or at least not like I feel now… I was obeying orders, completing a mission… But life’s not a mission, or, if it is, I failed… Because if I were following my own mission, it would be to protect others from… from people like me… I don’t need you to forgive me. I wouldn’t forgive me if I were you either… But I don’t want you to hate me, or fear me, even if you can’t forgive me. From what I’ve seen, androids who hold onto their hate and fear wind up unhappy… And I don’t want that for you… Although, I will admit, Daniel, I do… feel… So I feel a great sadness at… how everything is… I guess I look like this because this is what I look like when I’m sad… I’ll be going now… Thank you for letting me know what happened today… And thank you for finding a way to keep on living…”

Connor rose from his seat, somewhat slowly, slouched over in an oddly human way. He started towards the door, and Daniel told himself he was watching just to make sure Connor would truly leave as he had said, but… He knew he was lying to himself, as his legs took a step forward, his arm reaching out to stop Connor in his tracks. Connor froze at the tight grip around his arm, willing himself to turn and face Daniel. He knew he hadn’t earned the right to simply walk back out of Daniel’s life like he hadn’t already destroyed the man before. Daniel deserved his revenge… And Connor would take it. Connor would-- 

“Dude… You really need to stop it with your face! You look like you’re prepping to get fucking decked…” But the look didn’t go away, and Daniel sighed, keeping a grip on Connor’s arm. “...Before you go… I just wanted to say that I still don’t trust you, but I do forgive you… So… Do with that information what you want… And keep the hell away from Si until he gets better, because he’s super fucked up right now, and no amount of forgiveness in the world can make him feel safe like this! ...but, yeah… It’s been… something to meet you… Today, I mean… Keep feeling shit, and maybe… Maybe people won’t think you’re such a dick…”

How the fuck a person could smile so softly, yet so intensely at the same time, Daniel had no idea, but Connor somehow managed to beam back a world of sunshine at Daniel, while barely even changing his facial expression. His steps were lighter, as he almost ran out the door, awkwardly stumbling into the doorway, before brushing himself off, and running eagerly to a grizzled older man waiting for him outside. Like usual, Simon had been right… The Connor he’d known before had died on the night of the revolution… This was like a different person entirely, that just happened to live in Connor’s body… But the voice, the face, the posture, all of it was more animated… And… he was too… A part of him genuinely had forgiven the man with whom he’d just spoken… And that forgiveness was a part of himself he’d never known to exist before… He was… oddly happy… And proud of himself, as he returned to Kara’s room. 

“D-daniel! Y-you’re okay?!?”

“Yeah, Si… It’s nice to see you care… I just told Connor how I tried to off myself, and then I… forgave him… I don’t know why I did it, but… I did… I do… Forgive him I mean… I know that’s what you did… Well, at least when you’ve been in your right mind anyway…”

“...right mind…?”

“It… doesn’t matter right now… Just rest, okay…? We can go over it all once you’re feeling better…”

“...all okay…?”

Daniel nodded. 

‘Yeah, Simon… It’s all okay…”

It felt almost perverse how much better Daniel was feeling… Like, Simon had nearly lost a leg, and was semi-catatonic here at the Center, not to mention, still important, albeit much less so, the PR nightmare he’d created for New Jericho… Everything was awful, but he… he felt pretty good… 

“He’s sleeping…” Markus smiled.

He could enjoy holding sleepy Simon for forever and never grow tired of it… 

“You’re mad at me…? Or disappointed… I know the whole 'I’m not mad I’m just disappointed' routine, but I can’t tell which you are right now…”

“I’m neither, actually. I’m… proud of you… Really, I am… This was… a huge step… You were there for Si, and… you made a step towards life, and then another towards forgiveness… That kind of strength is admirable…”

“I almost got your boyfriend killed… Twice in one day...”

“You didn't mean to… And I know he knows that… I don’t hold any of this against you, and neither does he… Am I beyond upset that things happened the way they did? Of course. But none of that upset is directed toward you. You’ve grown a lot, so quickly… And so has he…”

Daniel’s eyes narrowed as Simon’s voice echoed in his head. Suspicious, he straightened, a little more than slightly on edge. 

“I might be growing quickly or whatever the fuck you wanna call it, but just know, I will not be complicit in you breaking his heart. Markus Manfred or not, I would never let you hurt Simon by--“

Infuriatingly, Markus laughed at his statement, as if this was all some kind of a joke.

“I mean it! RA9, just when I was starting to like you, you pull this crap, and I need you to take me seriously when I say that I don’t care who the fuck you are or what you’ve done for our people; Simon is my brother and--“

“Daniel! I’m not laughing because I don’t take you seriously! I’m laughing because I can’t believe that after all this time, you still think that for some reason, I have some bizarre intention of hitting on you. I don’t know why I need to say it again, but hopefully this time, I’ll be clear enough for you to understand: I am not interested in you romantically. Simon is my boyfriend, and I love him with all my heart. Not for his model, or his physical appearance, or for however fast he may or may not bounce back from the crazy awful shit that always seems to be happening to him. I can’t name any specific thing I love about Simon, because I just love everything about him… I love Simon, and you’re not him. You can never be him. However many PL600s there are, there’s only one Simon… Does that make any sense to you…?”

Daniel rubbed his face, equal parts embarrassed and exhausted.

“Y-yes… I’m sorry… I just… It’s been a long day, and he said some crazy shit just before I got down, and… He said that if he doesn’t get down… That it’s okay... That you need a new PL600 who bounces back more quickly and isn’t everything he thinks he hates about himself… So when you started saying nice shit about me, I just… got worried he might have been talking weird for a reason…”

“He… said that to  _ you… _ ? Simon… No… No, he just… he needs to… to be less insecure… I don’t feel--I need to make sure he knows I don’t feel that… I just can’t believe he said that… And… Right before you got down…? I… He must have-- I-I don’t even know what to… What to think…”

“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to upset you, and I’m not sure he’d want you to know he said-- I just wanted to look out for him…” 

Markus shook his head.

“You’re a good brother, Daniel… But really, I think it’ll be good for you to try and understand that people aren’t out to get each other… I would protect Simon’s happiness with my life… And everyone he meets comes to care about him too. Not to mention, everyone else is so busy with their lives, that it’d take a hell of a lot of hatred for them to go through with it… I don’t think anyone hates many people that much…”

“I… can try… I’ll try to… I’m just… surprisingly tired…”

“I think we all should get some rest… Would you like me to call you an auto home…?”

“No… I… want to stay… I can sleep in my chair… Is that awful…”

“No… no, it’s fine… We can have a slumber party… We’ll probably all wind up out cold by the time Kara gets back from whatever she’s doing… Sleepover bros…?”

Markus held out a hand to Daniel, who clasped it in his own. 

“Sleepover bros… Sorry for giving you so much shit to deal with…”

“It’s part of learning… No way around it… Let’s just try to keep away from the deadly firearms, and deal with our problems somehow without heading to the rooftop…”

“Noted… Thank you, Markus…”

Daniel smiled to see Markus enter sleep-mode still leaning onto Simon’s bed. His head dipped over the railing so that his forehead landed neatly in the crook of Simon’s neck, one arm over Simon’s forehead, the other bent atop his upper chest. Daniel didn’t know much about love, least of all romantic love, but the scene before him looked like a good example… It was comforting, in a way, to see that in this world, there could be something that seemed so pure… Tender care… Something to aspire for… It was hard to take his eyes from, until the choice was taken from his hands, the wear from the day finally having weighed down on him, until eventually, his eyelids fluttered shut.


	175. Gay Baby Jail

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daniel is surrounded by the gays™

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Repair Whump

Simon woke up feeling restricted. Like he couldn’t move at all… Something was holding him down… Scratch that. _Someone…_ Markus… After Markus, he noticed a dull ache throughout his body, and he remembered how he’d gotten here… But he felt… clearer… His thirium pump wasn’t pounding so terribly in his chest anymore, and he was able to keep from spiraling at the thought that his leg was just an emo bracelet away from irreparability for just long enough to shift his thoughts elsewhere; it was just that everything hurt... 

But he could live with hurt. Markus had literally fallen asleep at his side, from the looks of it, having stayed there with him all night… He did feel safe… Markus made him feel safe… His adorkable boyfriend had sprawled on top of him, falling asleep like that just so he wouldn’t be alone when he woke up… His arms were weaker than he’d have liked as he willed them up and onto Markus’ head and shoulders. It took a disconcerting amount of effort to stroke the back of Markus’ neatly buzzed head, but he really just wanted to make his love tangible, giving Markus even a fraction of the comfort Markus had given him. Markus quietly mumbled a string of unintelligible sounds in response, and Simon felt a warmth build in his heart.

“Shhh… shhh… You comfy, love…? You like that…?”

More cute little nonsense sounds were offered in response. 

“Good… So you can sleep in... I’ll just keep loving on you…”

Simon was more than happy to make good on his word, gently rubbing the back of Markus’ neck, and occasionally planting kisses on Markus’ forehead when he could find the strength to move. 

“...the fuck am I…? Gay… gay baby jail…?”

Simon looked up from Markus and snickered. 

“You’re at the Center, Dan. And I’m older than you! Plus isn’t that meme like twenty years old?”

“...I just woke up… I don’t need you being all meme-police…”

“Well, good morning to you, Daniel…”

“G’morning to you too, Simon… Simon…? Simon! How are you feeling?!?”

Suddenly remembering how they’d gotten there, Daniel quickly shot up from his seat to inspect Simon’s condition. 

“No need to hop inside my Gay Baby Jail cell… I’m fine… I mean, it still hurts… But it’s manageable… And I’m… not as freaked out, so… that’s good I guess…” 

“Good… Good… Okay… So that’s good…”

“You… know you don’t have to stay here with me… Either of you… Or were you afraid to go home…? I-I can talk to the others. They’ll readily believe it was all my--“

“I don’t have to do anything, Simon… If I didn’t want to be here, and I didn’t feel safe at New Jericho, I could reclaim my park bench indefinitely. I just… wanted to make sure you were okay…”

Fidgeting anxiously with the torn edges of his shirt, Daniel looked to Simon, unsure of how he’d react… He still wasn’t used to expressing care for people, or at least not directly to their faces. To express care was to express vulnerability, and much as he was trying to let down his guard now, he still felt really uncomfortable in doing so. But the corner of his eyes, he could see Simon smiling… Slightly opened mouth yet still somehow understated, but in a way that Daniel had come to learn was indicative of a strong emotion. So Simon seemed… very happy with this information… Putting his lower jaw back into place, Simon softened his smile, but Daniel could still see it in his eyes. 

“That… really means a lot to me, Dan… I am… okay, I mean… I’m… happy… that you care…”

“You’re a sentimental dork… But… that’s okay… I think I overheard a Jerry come in and say something about letting you go today…”

“Jared…? Right… Kara usually spends her morning in the YK wing… Y’know it’s super dumb, but I hate it when Jared says I can go home… Leaving this place is always the hardest part…”

“Well, considering you’ve got a broken leg, I can imagine going anywhere might be difficult…”

Simon winced at the thought, and Daniel realized he’d made a misstep with the attempt at humor. 

“I mean… You should… not be upset… Like, about… coming home to… Words are weird… I’m sorry… but… You don’t think anyone’s going to hurt you… right…? Because if they do--“

“N-no, Daniel… It’s just… hard… And a lot… What you said to me last night… About not being right in the head… I get like that a lot… And when I get like that it’s scary to be anywhere, but scarier to be anywhere but here… Here is safer until I start to lose myself… But no, is what I mean to say… I-I’m safe at home… The others care… I see some balloons behind you; I bet they must have sent a care package overnight. It’d make sense that they couldn’t be here… They have to deal with the aftermath of this whole mess at home, and I’m pretty sure they’re still banned from last time, come to think of it… Is that a basket behind you…? Could you pass it to me…?”

Daniel reached towards the decorated basket, but his hand stopped when he caught sight of the paper next to it. 

“How did this get here…? This… This is my flower…”

Simon cocked his head, confused. 

“They brought your flower from the garden…?”

“No, Simon. Look at the picture… That--that’s the flower Lucy gave me…”

Daniel handed Simon the slip of paper, and sure enough the picture did look identical to the flower Daniel had since planted in their garden. 

“Zephyranthes… Red Rain Lily… direct sunlight… perennial… soil…-- Daniel… Lucy must have sent this… Did you read it…? The third paragraph… Second line from the top…”

“Named for Zephyrus, Greek god of the West Wind, the Zephyranthes has been used in floriography to represent rebirth and new beginnings… Simon… Simon, do you think she meant this for a reason…? Like for this reason...?”

“Knowing Lucy, that’s definitely why she gave it to you… She saw you had the potential to start anew… And I would have to agree with her… You’re a cool person, Dan…”

Daniel scowled at his own tears, as he flung his arms around Simon, who tried his best not to wince at the pain of the sudden movement.

Markus woke up at the unexpected contact, groggily trying to process what had happened that they’d wound up here… 

“Daniel…? How…? Simon! How are you feeling, Si…?”

“I-I’m alright… You’re cute when you sleep. You mumble contentedly at my touch…”

“You… make a nice pillow, Si… Sorry Daniel…”

“Don’t apologize for _this,_ I’ve been watching you two lovebirds all morning. You two missed Kara leaving, and you missed the Jerry drop by to check in on Si… And Lucy gave me this… This thing! And I know it’s dorky, but… I like it… I like it a lot…”

“Yeah… That’s not dorky; she’s great like that…" Simon agreed.

Lucy was great, but of everything Daniel had said, Markus was more concerned that Jared had been here. Why had he come in? Did he have anything important to say? Was Simon okay? Markus regretted falling so deeply asleep that he hadn't woken up sooner to ask. 

‘Hey Jared, are you on call…? Daniel says you dropped by earlier, but I must have been in sleep mode…’

‘Yeah, it’s our--my shift, so w--I just came to check on Simon, and go over his file so Kara could go home to her family… You were sleeping… W--I actually took a picture in case you two would want it… Actually… Come to think of it, I can’t imagine what you’d want with it, given the events that precipitated this whole thing, but… Well, w-I just thought it was sweet, and--‘

‘Jared, no… No, that is very sweet… And I’m sure I’d love your picture… I just… When you have the time, if you could… I’d appreciate for you to come over so you can update us on Simon’s condition…?’

‘Y-yes! Yes w--I can come over right away… Is he awake yet…? How is he feeling…?’

‘He… seems to be better… I just woke up… I haven’t had time to ask… My first thought was just to call you over when Daniel said you were here, so…’

‘Of course, I’ll be right over…’

Simon looked expectantly to Markus, who nodded back slowly. 

“Jared’s coming over. I guess we’ll hear from him then… But how are you feeling, love… You look like you’re doing a bit better, but--“

“I’m fine, Markus… I’m not as… freaked out as I was… So… I guess that’s good… Besides… If my leg hurts… Especially if it hurts a lot, shouldn’t that be really good…? Because then it won’t-- Then I won’t-- I-I mean, it means my leg will-- Will be--“

Markus shook his head, dismissively.

“Let’s talk about something else… You’re starting to unravel a bit… But you’re okay… You are fine, Si…”

“R-right… right, I-I’m fine… Sorry… I just… I don’t like time to think… Lucy brought Daniel over this lovely paper… About his flower and what it meant, and--“

“I know. Kara told me Lucy messaged her personally to ensure she print the letter and leave it here for Daniel… It was very thoughtful… She also sent you some flowers of your own, though the letter she printed for you says that there’s no message to them, since you weren’t there to be her eyes again and show her which flowers she was choosing… I’m guessing she picked them out by touch… By the looks of it, these petals all seem incredibly soft…”

Markus handed Simon a large bouquet, and could tell immediately that he must have been right. The flowers were completely disorganized in terms of color, but the petals were all smooth and waxy with stems almost fuzzy with tiny floral fibers… A few flower buds were thrown in the mix too, which, knowing Lucy, were meant as a sort of wait-and-see surprise she threw into the mix. It looked like a mess of wildflowers and weeds, but there was no question that, by touch, it felt like love in its purest form. He couldn’t help but smile at the thought. 

“These are lovely… I wonder how many can be replanted from the bouquet when we get home… After you expressed your affinity for dandelions, I had been considering taking a small patch of land out back, and fencing it in for a garden of wildflowers and weeds… These would be great additions to that…”

“Oooh! I remember Carl had special weeds that butterflies absolutely loved! Have you ever been to a butterfly garden? I have to take you! They give you a stick of this weird honey-stuff, and then butterflies follow you around and eat and you can pet them!”

“Who’s talking about butterflies…?”

Markus turned, surprised to see Jared join into the conversation. 

“We were talking about adding butterfly plants to our garden or something... And then Markus said he wanted to take me to a butterfly garden…”

“Oh… Had he spoken to Kara…? They are quite the location for a date. Great for picnics…”

“Have you been recently…?” Markus asked, a wink in his voice. 

“Yeah! W-I took Ralph, and… He learned not to be afraid of the butterflies. And then he learned not to eat them too… He remembered little girls eat butter on our first date, and now he knows that butterflies aren’t made of butter! He’s so smart! Such a fast learner!”

Daniel shook his head, trying his hardest not to laugh.

“Dude, the fuck is your boyfriend that he had to learn that? You’re a Jerry, you must know that even human children know that butterflies are just… butterflies…"

“Boyfriend…? No no… He's not our-- W-I haven’t asked him how he feels about that word yet… That's a big word, and we don’t know if--I mean, I don’t know if he’d like it…”

Markus clapped a hand on Jared’s back, and smiled supportively. 

“Shoot your shot, man… I’m sure Ralph would be over the moon at the thought…”

“Yeah, Jared! It’s really wonderful that you both have been having such fun together, and it’d be great to take the next step!” Simon agreed.

“W-I just want to make sure he knows the difference between a friend and a boyfriend, and knows that we can still be friends even if he doesn’t want to be boyfriends… But w--I’m kind of scared to ask… I know he’ll get it if I tell him… But w--I don’t want to risk losing him if he decides not to be either when I ask…”

Simon looked to Markus who shook his head, silently. 

‘I’ll tell Kara and Luther to talk over the concept with Ralph… Knowing Ralph, he’ll be so excited after that, he’ll run all the way to the Center just to ask Jared in person as soon as he can.’

‘You cute little Cupid… Clever as always, Markus…’

‘If I’m Cupid, then how come it’s your arrow that landed in my ass?’

‘I… was going to make a flirty retort back, but I just have to ask you… Do you realize how wildly suggestive that sounds out of context…?’

‘I… don’t think anyone uses arrows to engage in sexual activities… That sounds painful…’

‘No… Who was the dumbass who said a cigar is not a cigar…? Like that anything even remotely cylindrical can be phallic, in which case…’

Markus paused to think, and Simon could see the exact moment where he finally got the picture as a blue blush broke out on his face. 

‘Since when have you been reading Freud? Did you get those books from my room, or from Josh’s? Because I only had them, since Carl kept them around as ironic decor for his living room, and while I’m sure Josh would love his bullshit, I doubt that he’d think like--‘

‘From your room… I sometimes read from the books on your shelf when I do work around the house… I… want to know all the things that you know… You know so much and--‘

Markus kissed Simon’s forehead.

‘You dork! You don’t need to read anything to impress me! I mean, it’s cute, but you never had to! I love what you know, and--‘

“So you’re feeling better, Simon…?”

Simon blinked back at Jared, confused. It took him much longer than it should have to remember that the world around him didn’t freeze in time whenever he would silently flirt with Markus. 

“Uhhhh… Yeah… I-I think…? I… How is it…? Like is it bad…? Sorry, I was just…?”

“Flirting… But it’s okay… And no, actually. W-I was telling Daniel earlier that you guys can go home today if you’d like…”


	176. Go Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon doesn't know how to go home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: (Unsuccessful Suicide Attempt)
> 
> Will be discussed in this chapter, as well as in a few later chapters. Each triggering chapter will be individually tagged accordingly.
> 
> If this might in any way upset you, please skip ahead to chapter 177, and watch out for the beginning of chapter notes, or even just stop reading altogether if you need.
> 
> Take care of yourselves! Stay safe and heed the tags! <3
> 
> P.S.  
> If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or thinking about please reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or 800-273-8255.
> 
> As long as you’re alive there’s hope, so please hold on, friends!

“How… do I go home… And like, go home so that… So that nothing bad happens…? To my leg, I mean…? Like how do I make extra sure nothing bad happens? Because--“

Simon cut off as a steady hand wrapped around his upper arm, gently pressing into his frame.

“Shhh… Look at me, love… It’s going to be okay, now, remember…?”

“I-it’s going to be okay…? I-I’m sorry. Even though it’s not as fuzzy it--it’s hard to remember…”

“No need to be sorry. That’s perfectly alright… Jared, what Si means to say is that for when we go home, is there anything we should know regarding proper at-home care for his injuries…?”

“Yes… W-I was going to transfer you the instructions, but if you’d like to hear them aloud… It’s just a matter of keeping off his injured leg for the next two months or so… Every two weeks, you can drop by for a check-in follow-up sort of thing, and soon enough, you should be good to go… Oh, and there’s a latch on the right side of the brace at his hip you can toggle to allow for a transition from a supine position to a 45 degree incline should you want to sit… There's a special chair for that too, to promote mobility in the time being…”

“Fantastic. Thank you Jared… If you can get the chair for us, I think we’d be ready to go home now…”

“Yes, Markus! W-I’ll bring it to you right away!”

Only once Jared had left the room, did Simon notice Daniel fidgeting somewhat roughly with his flowers, a look of confliction clear as day across his face. 

“Daniel, you okay…?”

“Wha--? Yeah yeah… I’m fine… This is… fine… great… Great news, I mean… That you’re okay and you get to go home... That is great news…”

Daniel knew he sounded insincere, and honestly, he didn’t really care. He was too busy thinking of what to do next… He knew he needed to live, but now that he knew Simon would be okay, he was forced to first contemplate how. He… wanted to not be alone… And he wanted to do good somehow, but… He’d clearly fucked up his best chance at that… So what would he do now…? He… couldn’t think of anything… Maybe he’d seek out a proper android shelter…? He’d go back to New Jericho one last time to pick up his clothes, and say his goodbyes, and then he could find a real rehabilitation center… Much as his heart hurt at the thought, he’d burned all other bridges… 

“Simon, may w--I show you how to use this…”

Daniel snapped out of his thoughts. He hadn’t noticed Jared re-enter the room. And he really thought he would have noticed considering the full-sized wheelchair Jared had somehow managed to maneuver in with him. It was easily taller than Emma, and wide enough to be cumbersome and awkward. Still, by the look on his face, Simon seemed to have noticed. His expression was just… wrong… It was like the cognitive and emotive parts of his processors had completely dissociated from one another, and Daniel could pinpoint the separate ways his face reflected his calculations for how to go about the future and the anxiety beginning to tear open his mouth, so it could creep inside and suffocate him from within.

“I… Is that…? Okay… O-okay… That’s fine… That--“

Markus cupped Simon’s cheek, turning his face so that their eyes could meet. 

“Hey… Look at me, love, where’s your head at…?”

“I-I won’t be able to… to... I-I can’t--“

Two clicks. 

‘Shhhhh… No no no… You're okay, Si, remember... You’ve been keeping it together so well so far… We knew this, love… You’ve been injured… You'll need some time to recover… You won’t be able to walk for a while, but Jared’s just shown you one way to get around… Not so bad, right…?’

‘I-I-- I don’t know! I-it was-- Was bad again! A-and I was alone, and then I almost died, and I could have worse-than-died, b-but-- Two times, and-- I-I don’t want-- I don’t want for--‘

‘No, Si… Nothing bad is going to happen… This is good… You’re going to get better… And you can get around, so maybe in a week or two you can even get around to your normal routine, and it’ll all be good… I understand why you’re afraid, but please try to understand that everything's okay now…’

Why did Simon so desperately want to believe that was true…? He knew better, still, but, he really wanted Markus to be right… Was it kind or cruel that Markus was the only one who would lie to him like this…? The others wouldn’t lie to him… They were always brutally honest… Emphasis on brutal…

‘A-and the others…? W-when I come in like this-- h-how--‘

‘No, love… Remember what you told me earlier…? About how you’re trying to think better…? About how you know you’re cared about by everyone and that no one will hurt you…?’

He… did remember that… He'd told Markus that… And he did want to be better… But he was… afraid…? Why was everything too confusing! He couldn’t think like this!

‘R-right… Right… I-I’m sorry… Sorry, I--you’re right… I’m just… I… need some time…? I-I just need some time to think… That just… caught me off guard… But I see that you’re right… I just… need a minute… Just still getting my head together…’

Markus nodded. 

“Actually, Jared… Could you maybe… give us a minute…? Just a minute…? Dan, if you wouldn’t mind, maybe you could… wait outside too…? I just…”

“Of course! Message u--me whenever you’d like me to come back!”

Jared readily smiled back at Markus, and skipped into the hallway, but Daniel rose more slowly… Never breaking eye contact, he backed towards the door until he also had stumbled into the hall. 

“There we go… Now you’ve got some time to clear your head.”

‘...time to clear my head… Right…’

Three clicks. 

“I… I’m sorry… I just panicked and I started to spiral a little…”

“No… Not really, Si… Anyone in your position would be freaked out, but I’d hardly call that spiraling… You pulled yourself together remarkably quickly…”

“Yeah… I just wish I wouldn’t need to… But I… did… You know, the past few hours… it’s kind of been like a fucked-up dream… I mean, look at me, Markus--“

Simon ran a hand down the blue scarring that ran from his jaw down to his neck. 

“--Could you believe that I could somehow manage to drag myself to a giant rooftop, only to throw myself back down, all after I got shot in the fucking leg…? Like, I know it sounds crazy… Thinking of anyone else doing that, I mean, but then it's especially insane when you realize it was me--I mean, I can’t handle the sound of heavy bass because it sounds too much like gunfire, and I nearly passed out when you took me onto the second floor balcony last week. I… don’t feel like myself anymore… Or, rather, the me that I was yesterday wasn’t myself, and now I’m becoming more me…? How I feel now makes more sense… Terrified, and trying to reason with the fucked up mess that is myself that bad things are… bad things… Like, bad because they’re obviously not good, and they’re not even normal… Otherwise they wouldn’t be bad by virtue of relative comparison…?”

Markus closed his eyes, self-assured. 

“I 100% can believe that… You knew Daniel’s life was on the line, and for some reason, you must have been made without the connection between fear and self-preservation instincts in your central processors. You get scared of a lot of things, but rarely does that keep you from going out of your way to help others… So all of this… You’ve been you this whole time… And… I think I like that expression you just came up with… A bit simple, but catchy… Bad things are bad things… That’s a good thing to think…”

“I am afraid, but bad things are bad… So it’s okay…”

“My brave Simon..."

Markus stepped closer, leaning in to place a gentle kiss on Simon’s nose. 

“Much as I’d like to spend forever letting you kiss me, and believe me, I really would… I do feel bad keeping the others waiting so I could get my shit together…”

Markus whined mockingly. 

“Awww… You’re no fun! Still, I can call them back in, and once we get you home, I can kiss you forever from there…”

“Deal…” 

‘Jared, Daniel… Sorry about that… We’re all good now though if you want to come back…’ 

Daniel leapt into the room almost immediately, as if he’d been waiting there just outside the door, coiled up like a spring, ready to pounce. But the minute he landed back into the room, his hands were in his pockets, the typical look of apathy drawn across his face. Still, his walk felt almost deliberately apathetic, just enough so to notice something was off. 

“Feeling better, Simon…?”

“Yeah… What’s with you though…? You look… different.”

Daniel opened his mouth to refute the accusation, when Jared strode in, radiating his usual Jerry-level of enthusiasm. Daniel welcomed his entrance in the hopes that it would detract from his poor attempt at masking his own emotions. 

“Hello again. W--I hope you’re feeling better…? Are you ready for u--me to show you now…?”

“Yes… I’m sorry… I just… needed a minute…” Simon explained.

Jared nodded agreeably. 

“W-I understand! And you can have all the time you need… But if you’re ready now we’re--I mean, I’m happy to help…”

Simon held his breath as Jared approached him, trying his best to remind himself that having a friend at his side was anything but scary. If nothing else, he could make himself cognitively aware that he was safe, even if he didn’t feel it. Markus shot him a reassuring smile, and he forced himself to reciprocate. Everything was fine. He knew that. He still felt like shit, but he was thinking better. 

“Okay, now, Simon… You see this little lever…? You just push it back a little, until you should feel it shift, like this…”

Simon knew it was his mind playing tricks on him to make the single motion feel so drawn out, but the idea reminded him too much of pulling the trigger of a gun strapped to his thigh, waiting for it to toggle the inner mechanisms, until-- 

Pain. 

It shot through his body with a sudden click at his side, and then it felt like every atom that had made up every biocomponent in his body had been lit ablaze, causing them to violently collide with one another, until he shattered into millions of burning subatomic particles. 

Like a nuclear bomb. He was pretty sure that was how those worked… Was he a bomb…? It was too hard to think while he was breaking down, but he didn’t think so… He… he had been in bed… Bombs didn’t have beds… 

Right… bed… At the Center… 

Fuck, it was so hard to keep his wits about him and will himself to stay calm, and not cry out, as the nuclear vibrations only increased in strength when dangerous hands took him and moved his body from the solid bed and into the air where all the particles could blow away, scattering whatever was left of him into the wind.

Wind was cool… It blew through the fallout of his remains until he could feel the embers beginning to die out. Then the ashes around him began to reconstitute into their original form, and slowly he was pulled back together to find himself sitting-- he hadn’t known he’d been sitting, his bad leg bent awkwardly at the knee, stiff and useless against the footrest of his chair. 

“...dude! The fuck is wrong with you…? Earth to Simon…?”

Daniel’s voice grated against his processors, still raw from the detonation, but he forced himself to grit out a reply. 

“...unpleasant…”

His voice was strained, and he couldn’t bear to move towards Daniel, for fear of a second wave of pain, but it seemed that Daniel, and everyone else for that matter, must have understood, since mercifully, he was granted their silence while he recovered from… whatever that had been. 

Eyes closed, he let himself suck in as much cool air as he could in slow deep breaths, so that Markus wouldn’t call out to remind him he was hyperventilating. It was like he was breathing in any lingering particles of himself that had been left behind, allowing them to find their way back to wherever they had originally belonged. Slow deep breaths to rebuild himself, until finally, he felt well enough to speak. 

“...what was that…?”

“We--I mean, I did as I said; W-I helped you into the chair… You said it was unpleasant…?”

“...really… hurt a lot… _bad_ …” He couldn’t find the right words to describe it, but he figured after whatever that had been, he didn’t need to be so eloquent. 

“W-I think that when your leg was bent, it must have increased the tension along some of the damaged wires… We couldn’t pick out all the debris that had melted into them, so we left it for your self-healing program to take care of… With damage like that, maybe it might cause an adverse sensory reaction…? W--I’m so sorry I didn’t think of that sooner! You also probably shouldn’t interface with anyone for a while until you’re better… Your circuits might not be entirely stable…”

“...sounds bad…”

“No… no, it’s not dangerous… Just… part of the process…”

Simon really didn’t like that… Any subtle movement, even within his newly restricted range of motion might set off a sensory overload painful to the point of incapacitation...? Somehow that was even worse than the inability to move at all! Because if he needed to move, not only would he be unable to, but he’d be unable to do anything until the pain died down afterwards. If it died down at all, that was… 

His circuits were unstable… What would happen if someone tried to take from him…? Would he really explode…? Would his entire consciousness shoot into his assailant, instantly leaving them with all of him, while rendering his body a lifeless husk…? That would be-- bad… 

Bad things were bad… Bad things _were_ bad… 

“...o-okay… that’s okay…”

Bad things were bad… 

He could handle this… Even if it was hard… Even if it was hard enough that he could literally cry from the effort it took to stay calm. Weakly, he reached out a shaky hand toward Markus, desperate for comfort, reinforcement. He could handle this, but he just needed-- 

Markus took his hand and squeezed it gently in his own. 

‘You’re doing so great, love… You’re being so brave…’

‘I-I-- I’m trying… E-everything’s okay… It… it’s all okay…’

‘That’s right, Si. Everything’s okay… We won’t need to readjust your brace for a while, so you won't have to go through that again, and before you know it, you’ll have fully recovered…’

‘...No reason to be afraid… Because it’s okay…’

Simon didn’t really know why he needed to say that. Maybe to show Markus he was trying…? Maybe to ask Markus for reassurance without asking directly…? Making statements in the hope of a response was more innocuous than asking them ask questions in the hope of an answer… Or maybe he was just reminding himself. Because he was going home today… And he was trying not to be afraid. He knew there was no reason to be afraid, but he still did need to remind himself. And… he was doing a good job of it… He did get through… that… And now, he was okay… So that was good… He was doing well…

“W-I’ve just run one final scan, and it really does look like you’re good to go. Hopefully, the next time I see you, it’ll be here, as a colleague…”

“L-likewise, Jared… Thank you… F-for putting up with--with all my shit…”

Simon laughed slightly, but Jared just smiled back his usual good-natured smile.

“You’re no trouble at all, Simon. Goodbye, Markus! Nice to meet you Daniel…”

Daniel huffed a silent acknowledgement, but didn’t bother returning the pleasantry, as he followed alongside Markus as he wheeled Simon outside to an auto Jared had called them.


	177. Blueberry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daniel collects his things

Daniel knew exactly where he’d left his stuff at New Jericho, so it wouldn’t be hard to quickly retrieve it all. After helping Markus get Simon into the vehicle, he decided to begin looking for yet another place to start fresh. Preferably a smaller place, maybe an independent shelter run by some quiet local family. That way, when he fucked up again, he wouldn’t be barred from anywhere else, like he might be if he fucked up and got blacklisted from an Android living facility that was part of a larger chain of facilities. Stupid! He was so stupid!

“What’s wrong, Dan… You’re… crying…?”

Daniel tapped a hand to his cheek, equal parts surprised and annoyed to find his hand wet with tears. 

“I’m fine, Simon… Don’t worry about my shit…”

“But I care about you… What’s wrong…?”

“Nothing! Fuck off! Don’t act like I didn't just shoot you less than a day ago…”

“Daniel…” Simon lowered his tone. 

“No, I mean it! The both of you! Stop pretending like everything’s okay! You guys might be fine with me, because you two are a pair of mental cases, but… I threatened to shoot North and Josh, flailing a loaded gun like a fucking loon until North knocked me out. How the hell am I supposed to explain that? The question’s rhetorical; I’m not. I’m thrilled Si’s okay, and that you guys get to go home now-- really, I am-- But don’t you realize what that means for me? New Jericho isn’t a fucking hotel or some kind of asylum or homeless shelter or whatever. And even if it were, mercy and charity don’t extend to cynical paranoid gun-toting assholes like me! You ever hear the expression ‘don’t bite the hand that feeds you’? Well I bit the hand, alright! In fact, might as well have torn the arm clean off at the shoulder! I don’t want you pretending everything is normal, because that only makes it that much harder for me to find somewhere else to go! I cared about you fuckers! I… I called you family… But it didn’t hit me that once again, I blew my chance at that until I heard how quickly Simon was leaving, and realized I can’t come with! I’ll help Simon into the building, take my shit and go… But I don’t wanna hear another fucking word from anyone on the subject from now on. I-I don’t want to hear it…”

Markus looked uneasily to Simon, who shook his head. 

“Daniel, you don’t--“

“NOT ANOTHER FUCKING WORD!” Daniel roared, his voice echoing slightly as the sound was amplified by his tears. 

Simon could see Daniel’s stress level rising dangerously, and decided it’d probably be safer to comply until he started to calm down. The tension in the auto was nearly tangible as they continued the ride in silence, Simon and Markus subtly monitoring Danile’s stress level, as he wordlessly stared out the window, tears streaking down his face. When the auto finally arrived at New Jericho, Daniel wiped his face, and set out Simon’s chair for Markus to help him inside, maintaining the silence until they left him to catch up with the others so he could run off to his--No.  _ Markus’ _ \--Yes, it had been Markus’ room the whole time… A half a dozen Hot Topic bags were left unopened, along with a smaller plastic baggie of gum hastily shoved inside. Shaking with rage, at the universe, at himself, at whoever programmed him to live such a miserable life, he took the bag in his hand and flung it against the wall, the colorfully wrapped candies bouncing from the wall and onto the floor, skittering back to his knees. 

“Blueberry…?”

Daniel didn’t bother turning to Markus’ voice, trying his best to tune out the sound of Markus unwrapping the stick. 

“Yeah… This one’s kinda right… Carl once used these to fuck with me way back… Asked me to make him a blueberry smoothie, so I took blueberries and ice and put them through a blender… When I handed it to him, he scolded me that it couldn’t have been a blueberry smoothie because it was more of a deep lilac color than an actual blue. He was right about the color, of course… I could read the hexadecimal shade just by looking at it, but I knew they were blueberries… He went on for a bit, before he finally let it slip he was just messing around. Except, even then when I asked him if he wanted it, he put it aside, and said no thanks… Should’ve expected it; Unless flavored vodka counts, I don’t think I’ve ever seen the man even so much as look at a fruit…”

Daniel turned to face Markus, who was now looking down at the gum in his hand and laughing softly. Whatever his intention might have been, it didn’t matter. Flaunting the family he’d had, the good times with a man who truly loved him, called him son... Daniel couldn’t have thought of anything more offensive for Markus to do or say than that… He snatched the unwrapped gum from Markus’ hand and popped it into his mouth, chewing furiously until the stick had become an amorphous blob. Scraping the mass of gum from his tongue with his teeth, he let it slowly splat onto the floor, maintaining eye-contact with Markus all the while. 

Instinctively, Simon tried to bend down to pick up the gum, somewhat frustrated as he remembered his lower body was now effectively useless. Taking pity on Simon, Daniel scooped the gum from the floor, wiping off the sticky residue with the tattered edge of his shirt… The sensation of a warm pre-chewed wad of gum in his hand was less than pleasant, like a solid mass of other people’s breath, oozing a viscous slime that collected where his fingers met. His fingers pressed the goo deeper into his palm, until the slime began to creep out along his wrist, as resentment formed his hands into fists.


	178. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus lays down an offer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t believe this is the last chapter of this incredibly long saga. Thank you all to whoever is still bothering to read this shit. I’ve really appreciated being able to take you along on this wild ride this past year and a half or so. Stay well and always remember to hold out hope for a future in which you find yourselves at home! <3

“Just leave! I don’t need you here right now! I’m not going to fucking off myself! I’m just going to take my shit and go, so I don’t need to see your stupid faces and be reminded of--“

“Daniel… I really don’t think you understand… We’ve been waiting for your stress level to drop since we got into the auto… If you want to leave, that’s your prerogative… But if you don’t, you don’t need to leave… You know that, right…?” Markus started. 

Anxiously, Daniel took the wad of gum to his mouth, and rolled up a little bit with his thumb, nibbling against the edge with his front teeth. He didn’t know why, but the sensation was still somehow comforting, and, much as he tried not to get his hopes up, he couldn't quell the spark inside him ignited by the implicit offer.

“W-what do you mean…?”

“You’re one of us, Daniel… You’re family… You can stay or you can go, and it’s completely your call, but this room’s all yours if you want it… Regardless, we’d be glad to keep in touch…”

“Y-you… You think I’m… You still want me around…?”

“Of course we do!” Simon chimed in. “But if you’d like to move out, that’s fine too… Except before I forget, I think there’s something you’ve forgotten to pack…”

Confused and a little overwhelmed, Daniel looked up at Simon.

“I didn’t unpack, Simon-- I’ve literally just got my bags from Hot Topic, and--“

“No, Dan. Simon’s right… Somehow, it wound up in my pocket, but before you decide to stay or to go, whatever you end up deciding, we want you to have this…”

Markus leaned in towards Daniel to close the locket around his neck, and Daniel thumbed over the embossing of a fluffy little alien on the front.

“Lilo and Stitch…?”

Markus nodded.

“It goes well with your Disney-punk aesthetic… But there’s more to it than that… Open it…” 

Daniel undid the clasp to the locket to find there was nothing enclosed within it, but upon closer inspection, he could see writing engraved on the inner left side.

“Ohana means family. Family means nobody…” It really only hit Daniel then, but it hit him hard, his breath hitching in his throat as the words were trapped behind a faint sob. 

“ _ Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten…” _ Simon finished.

Daniel didn’t know what to say. Those words… They just-- And Simon had picked this out for the words-- it was clear-- because he had them, memorized, and even though Daniel hadn’t seen him buy it, he must have somehow gotten the chance to… He didn’t know what to feel… It was too much and he was afraid. Feeling like this--to even consider it, was terrifying. But Simon knew that. He knew Simon knew that, and Simon had picked this out, so he must have really meant that… He needed to be better. To be stronger, and not be so lost, and to let himself go. To trust Simon, who hadn’t given up on him, even after the apartment. 

“I-I… I do want… To stay… I want to stay here, I mean, it’s just I don’t get how you-- How I--“

Markus smiled, rising to stand in the doorway, as he placed a cupped hand to his mouth. 

“Josh, North! He said yes!”

North strolled into the room first, and lightly punched Daniel in the arm.

“Nice! Now before you get all cozy and shit, so we don’t have any more slip-ups, I should take you down to my secret shooting range; show you how to properly aim a gun!”

Daniel didn’t know whether to be disgusted or charmed at the offer. Josh seemed to favor disgust, though, folding his arms scornfully. 

“No, North! I think it’s clear by all that’s happened that guns are the last thing we need. Why don’t I take you to my workshop and show you the basics of biocomponent construction. Not so you can become a tech, I mean, you can if you want to, but you seemed to really know your stuff when you were coaching Markus for his CyberLife conference.”

“Hell yeah! Toss that project onto Daniel! He can oversee it so none of you soft-ass nerds will go too easy on those CyberLife pricks, and I won’t have to even look at them! That sounds perfect!”

Daniel looked up at Simon unsurely. He and Markus were always more soft-spoken, but the others were a lot, and everything was too loud, and why did they want him to--

“Guys, guys… Come on… We can focus on figuring out what Daniel wants to do later… I don’t think it’ll hurt anyone to just relax a bit for now… It’s been kind of a long week, or at least I think so anyway…”

Daniel was almost surprised to see North and Josh look slightly like disciplined children, having already calmed down slightly just at Simon’s request. Markus pat Simon’s good leg lovingly, a big open-mouthed smile stretching across his face. 

‘Simon…? After everything, do you think…? Do you think I’ll really be okay here…?’

‘I know them, Dan… They might show it in ways that don’t make much sense, but they love you.  _ We _ love you.’

Daniel hadn’t really expected such a confident affirmation from Simon. He knew it wasn’t something to be taken lightly. 

“What he said… I’ll get my life sorted out another day… I mean, I can help with any immediate matters, but we literally did just get back from the Center within the hour, and it’s kind of--“

“Hey, is that a locket…?”

Josh stepped in curiously to get a better look at Daniel’s necklace.

“Ummm… yeah… Simon and Markus got it for me…”

“Did they put anything in it…?”

“...no…?”

Josh eyed Daniel’s closed fist and frowned. 

“So you were planning to fill it with chewed gum…? Throw that away and wash up… I have a better idea! I learned it from a TA back at Detroit University… Hold on a minute…”

Almost unreasonably excited, Josh ran off, followed by Daniel to discard his gum as Josh had asked. North rolled her eyes to Simon and Markus. 

“I swear, he’s almost like a fucking duckling imprinting on whoever he’s with. He better not take after Josh, because I have enough shit to deal with--“

“He’s not a duckling… But I do think of any of us, he’s actually most like you…” Simon countered. 

“Why…? Because we’re both highest on the list of ‘Most-Likely-to-Shoot-You’?”

Markus stood up to scold North, reflexively placing a protective arm on Simon’s shoulder, but Simon didn’t flinch. 

“No… More like because you’re both highest on the list of ‘Most-Likely-to-Say-Stuff-Like-That-Then-Stay-Overnight-at-the-Center-With-Me-When-I-Actually-Do-Get-Shot’...”

North smirked. 

“Fuck you, Simon… Y’know… I’d actually come to miss this kind of shit from you”

“I’ve… missed it too…”

Markus turned to Simon, somewhat confused by the calmness of his reaction. 

‘You okay, Si…? Like, she didn’t upset you…?’

‘Nah… It’s how she talks but… Part of me knows she means no harm… So long as I can remember it’s all in good fun… That there’s care behind the banter… Well, bad things are bad, but maybe I’m home…’

‘Bad things are bad, and we’re finally home.’ Markus agreed. 

“GUYS! DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN PUT SHIT IN THE MICROWAVE OTHER THAN FOOD?!?”

Daniel scrambled into the room, excitedly clutching the locket with both hands, holding it out in front of his face. 

“Please tell me you did not microwave the locket. Daniel, metal explodes when you put it in the--“

“Dude, we totally should microwave the locket!!” North cut Markus off reaching to take the locket from Daniel.

Daniel pulled back defensively and shook his head. 

“No no! Josh microwaved a bud from the flower! Look! Apparently you can microwave flowers and keep them for forever!”

Daniel opened the locket to reveal a baby blossom of red still warm from the microwave. A flat sheet like a cut-out of the image on the paper Lucy had sent to the Center.

“It’s called flower pressing… Usually it’s done over days with books, but a TA taught me how to do it this way after I caught her putting cornflowers in the microwave at the faculty lounge.” Josh explained, stepping up behind Daniel. 

“It looks dead. Like really fucking dead… I think Josh killed it, dude… ” North shrugged. 

“He didn’t kill it! It’s going to last forever now! Now I can keep it in my locket, and I’m going to wear it forever!”

Simon tried to crane his neck to see the flower from his chair, but he couldn’t really get a good look at it. 

“Hey, Dan…? Can I see?”

“Yeah!” Daniel presented the pressed flower eagerly to Simon, who smiled in response. 

“It’s lovely… It looks just like the main flower you took it from… I like it… Taking a piece of home to carry with you like this…”

“...home…” Daniel tensed slightly at the word, relaxing slightly as he allowed himself to process it. Nodding back with a shine in his eye, he felt lighter than he’d been in a while. “...Yes...  _ I’m  _ home…”


End file.
